#and 2) in all those locations... I do beling there!!!!!!!! not even in the sense of point 1 where it's a retail location but like!!!!

[monster-noises]

I love second hand book shops, I got to them frequently and always leave with Something and have a good time just peakin around

But i gotta say

It's one of the Worst spots for me in terms of imposter syndrome

I feel like everyone's uneasey with my presence as though i'm a stranger who just stumbled into their inner sanctum and they're.. they're gunna let me stay but they're gunna be weirded out the whole time and breath a sigh of relief when the Strange Unwelcome Freak Leaves

It also happens at record shops and sometimes at small antique shops or cons+festivals

Just this immediate foreboding of being Angrily Tolerated in a Space I Don't Belong

#monster noises #it's Incalculably stupid because 1) it's a store. anyone can go in there. #and 2) in all those locations... I do beling there!!!!!!!! not even in the sense of point 1 where it's a retail location but like!!!! #Book shops Record shops Antique malls Cons... are all like super 100% right up my alley nerd shit these Should be like '''''my people''''''' #which is i think a strong contributing factor to this pervasive feeling like #there's an underlying current of not just being in there to Shop but that i want the other people there to Like Me? I guess? #in our limited interaction? #i want them to see that i'm One Of Them and it makes me nervous #because whenever i am trying to be a Part of something i Immediately feel like some kind of isolated hollow fraud #like i'm worried that i not only Look like a poser #but that i Am #secretly #a Poser #so secretly that I don't even relaiE i'm a poser #it probably doesn't help that i also always have The most off-kilter interactions with the staff in these scenerios #it's never anything truly embarassing #but it's always like i try to be as nice as possible but their reaction is never what i expect #and it throws me off #it's a hard thing to pin down in words but like.. it feels like they are more than anything just Waiting for me to leave #if not from the get-go then from the moment i open my mouth to answer a question #and like idk !!! i'm trying so hard to be open and friendly and not just use canned response but also not be Too weird or too loud #and be engaged in conversation but it never works! #it's like i ooze some deeply unpleasant vibe and it turns everyone off me immediately when i enter their space #i'll see other customers having lovely conversations with staff and stuff and then when it's me it's like Cold #truly it does nothing for my self esteem #not everyone has yo or is going to like me but i really don't think it's too big an ask to not be scrutinized by store staff Constantly ;<;