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aethergate · 7 months

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I decided to do one of these :] !! The list is just. The entirety of the Mandela Catalogue. Chell , Fleetway Super Sonic, Jack from Bioshock 1 ( the main character ), Eurydice from Hadestown, and Kris from Deltarune!

The Mandela Catalogue is there because I take a lot of inspo in the alternates from that series for her. She's kinda a mandela catalogue alternate of Sonic.. and there's pretty heavy inspo from Adam Murray from that series. Chell is there just because the tired hater energy. And if she ever got fully free of the Empire, she'd end up a lot like Chell post Aperture Science. Fleetways there cause. uhhhhhhhhh. Her natural progression joker arc build up.. bioshock dude is here cause well. Gestures at the entirety of the would you kindly conditioning. That's her for real. Eurydice cause she's been through a lot of shit, doesn't trust easy for it, and the entirety of her arc of being in Hadestown is kinda like how Mari is working for the Empire. And Kris is there for the entire lacking personal autonomy thing. Kinda translate inspo from "player controlling all their actions and they hate it" into the entire deal she's got going with the chip she's got where Eggman can sorta just bodysnatch her.

#never ending overtime [ mari musing ]#mun in the moon [ ooc ]#for characters like. From Sonic Media I take inspo from #surge is sorta on there for having the imposter syndrome with sonic #internalized differently of course but y'know #and theres this one character in archie whos forced to work for the empire as well #who sorta is just forcibly mindcontrolled all the time. i think shes a rabbit?#but i dont know her super well. but thats big mari energy #also if the quality on the image is shit. we aren't talking about it i'm bad at this.

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dross-the-fish · 4 months

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Thoughts on AI I was talking to some people about AI and generally I've been pretty neutral on AI as a tool. I've seen people bring up that it could be used as a good way for disabled people or people who generally aren't good at art to bring their ideas to life and honestly I'm pretty ok with that on principle. I am pretty firmly against AI being allowed to indiscriminately scrape the work of artists without their input or say so and I'm against Ai being used by the entertainment industry as a replacement for actual artists and writers. However what I really want to talk about is the use of AI as a tool, assuming it can be used ethically. I really hate the argument of "It's soulless," or "It's cheating" (used ethically it's just anther medium like photography or collages. Art is not measured by the amount of effort or the tools used. I am really tired of that take) and a particular scaremongering argument I've had directed at myself "It will replace you."

Because I do draw that's the one I get leveled at me the most. That AI will do what I do and do it better so there will be no point to me or what I make. They like to paint artists vs AI as John Henry vs The Machine and I just do not care for it. I think it's reductive to art and to artists to frame the value of art as a matter of effort vs quality of product. AI cannot make what I make because it's not me. It won't create my characters, it can only output what it's fed. The work it creates may be of better quality, more complex in texture and composition, more precise or more detailed but it can never build my characters because it doesn't know my characters like I do. I got curious and tried to use an AI image generator to see if I could make art with it and I could not. I have no idea how to input the fucking prompts in a way that makes something worth looking at and I lost the motivation to learn how to do so very quickly. As a creative outlet there was something so joyless about it. I felt like I was doing paperwork or coding and that's the shit I regularly get paid to do at my soul killing day job. I don't want to do it for fun. Also the intimacy was gone? I didn't feel like I was spending time with my creation and there was no sense of bringing something to life. None of the pleasure of watching a face take shape line by line and filling in the details until my character was looking back at me, imperfect due to the limitations of my skills but still fully realized and in some strange way "alive". Working with an AI generator felt so tedious. Even if I could learn how to use this tool and do it properly so that I get "better" looking results I don't want to. I feel so disconnected from the end product that I can't envision it ever bringing me any kind of fulfillment to make use of this tool. But I think, again, assuming it can be used ethically, as just another tool for making art it deserves to exist and be accessible to people who might enjoy using it to be creative. It's not the process or the software that's the issue, it's the way it's being abused and no amount of people trying to scare me with "AI could do it better than you" is going to frighten me away from preferring to draw by hand.

The point of art is not to be good, it's to create, it's to make something and to bring ideas to life. As much as I have my criticisms about AI I feel like a lot of the language used to condemn it presents a narrow view of what makes art "worthy" and it sets a goal post where none should exist.

Everyone should be allowed to create, and they should have access to whatever tools they are comfortable using and when we talk about AI vs Artists we should focus less on the quality and ease of use and more on the dilemma of using other people's work without consent and the potential for mass production of cheap and lazy products for profit from the entertainment industry at the expense of employing writers and artists.

#Ai discourse

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background-character-341 · 2 years

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Okay, so I've decided to finally write this analysis that's been kicking around my brain for way to long.

Also, just a note before we start: I wholeheartedly believe that byler is endgame and Mike loves Will. Therefore this analysis was written with that in mind. If this bothers you for some reason, keep scrolling.

So, without further ado:

Stranger Things 4 and Romantic Monologues

We all love to shit on Mike's monologue and how it was a complete and utter failure as a declaration of love. We also love to heap praise on the van scene as a romantic moment. But these two aren't the only two romantic monologues in season 4, and if we take a closer look at them, there's a pattern regarding which ones work and which ones don't.

Mike

So Mike's monologue is objectively bad as a declaration of love. There are a million analyses on how bad it is. And it's very bad. Mike is lying the entire time, uses words that are a direct callback to things said to El by her abuser, and has to be prompted by her brother. Not to mention the fact that the entire thing was in response to Will's feelings, not hers. Mike barely pays any attention to what El actually wants, instead giving her what he thinks she wants. Yeah, Mike told El that he loved her. But it was never really about hearing him say I love you. I won't dive too deep into that; go read this post if you want to know more. But the general gist of it is that the only reason El wanted to hear him say I love you was because Mike wasn't making her feel loved. And his monologue didn't fix that because it didn't come from his heart. It was fake and riddled with romantic cliches and had to be wrenched out of him by the image of her choking on the table in front of her. It's very bad.

Steve

So Steve's monologue is technically two monologues, but I'm going to treat it as one for the purposes of this analysis. I absolutely despise these monologues. But we're already off to a better start than we were with Mike, because Steve is being genuine. You can tell because he isn't falling back on romantic cliches or what he's supposed to say in a moment like this. His six little nuggets speech feels genuine because that is how he feels. It's all coming from his heart.

The problem with his monologue, and the reason why I hate it, is that it doesn't take into account what Nancy wants. And we know that she doesn't want any part of the future he's envisioning for himself because she goes out of her way to tell us. She says, "That sounds like a nightmare". She is very clearly not on board with this plan and the writers make sure we know that.

So while Steve's monologue is genuine, we have yet another romantic monologue that ignores what the person on the receiving end actually wants.

Jonathan & Nancy

This one's a bit of an outlier. Technically, it's two monologues: one from Jonathan and one from Nancy. But they're set side by side like a dialogue, so it makes more sense to look at them as one.

Unlike the previous two declarations of love, these two actually take into account the person on the receiving end. They're about their qualities and strengths and what they see in them. We already know they love each other before they ever say it because you don't talk like that about someone you're not in love with.

But this is also the first time we've seen an endgame couple say the word love in relation to each other. And after they both say they love each other, Nancy insists that everything is fine in their relationship, and you can hear the bitterness in her voice. She's lying. And we find out later that everything isn't fine in their relationship, and they are in fact having communication issues. Their monologues did nothing to change that. They did nothing to fix their problems.

The monologues are genuine. We can feel that. We never doubt that they actually love each other. And we can see that in their reunion in episode 9. But they don't address the actual problems they're having. Something's still missing.

Lucas

As they're walking to skull rock, Lucas and Max have one of the most important conversations for rebuilding their relationship in season 4.

Lucas in this scene is reassuring Max with this monologue. Telling her that she doesn't need to hide anymore because he understands that she's going through something hard and he's here for her. It's a monolgue that's tailored to Max's insecurities. When Max tries take on some of the blame for their relationship falling apart, Lucas immediately shoots her down because he knows that she has so much guilt over what happened to her brother, and what she needs right now is someone to tell her that it's not her fault. Lucas tells Max that he sees her because he knows that she has been feeling invisible.

I see you aren't inherently romantic words, but they do more for Lucas and Max's relationship than any I love you ever has for any other relationship in this show, because they are the words that Max needs to hear.

And that's the crux of it really. This monologue works because it's what Max needs to hear. It's about acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her insecurities. It's about bridging the gap between the two of them.

Joyce

Joyce and Hopper have two romantic moments after they reunite: one right after, and then one at the church. The first one is basically Joyce telling Hopper that they missed him and the second one is her telling him that he was worth that whole trip. Unlike Lucas's monologue, they're both much more romantic moments, but they still follow the same basic formula. Joyce is telling Hopper what he needs to hear.

Hopper's main insecurity is that he only brings sadness and death to the people around him. But here Joyce is telling him that that's not true. They missed him. They want him around. She even brings in El as proof of this. And she's telling him that he's worth it. He's worth all that money, he's worth getting captured, he's worth crashing a plane in Russia. He's worth it. And they missed him.

Will

So, finally, the van scene. This scene has been analyzed a million times. I have gone from thinking that Mike is an idiot with rocks in his brain to being convinced that he knew exactly what Will was talking about here. This scene has so many layers, so much to be looked at and analyzed, and there's no way I can do it justice. This is where I direct you to this analysis. Just go read it, it's amazing.

But from the perspective that we're looking at, from the perspective of romantic monologues and why they work in Stranger Things, this one follows the same formula that the last two have. Will in this scene is doing the same thing for Mike that Lucas did for Max and Joyce did for Hopper: he's reassuring Mike. Mike feels insecure in his relationship with El. He feels like he's not important. Like he's nobody, and nobody needs him. And Will is telling him, "No. You are somebody. You are important. You make (El) feel like she's not a mistake. (El) needs you Mike."

The reason Mike is so moved by this monologue is that this is everything he has ever wanted to be told. And for the first time he feels loved. And Will never once said those three words.

I see you, I missed you, I need you. On the surface those words aren't nearly as romantic as I love you. But that's the point. I love you is too general. I love you could be about anybody. But having the ability to look at someone, see the parts of them that they hate, and say that they don't need to feel that way because you're there? That's specific. That's love.

Grand declarations of love don't work in Stranger Things because they don't actually address the relationship. They don't get to the heart of it and tell you what it is about these two people that makes them compatible. And they don't address any of the underlying problems in a struggling relationship. All the I love yous in the world can't change the fact that Jonathan is lying to Nancy about Emerson. They can't bridge the huge chasm between Steve and Nancy. And they certainly can't make Mike and El's relationship less toxic.

#once again byler parallels all the endagme couples #meanwhile milkvan is paralleled to steve and nancy #i've been thinking about this for a while #and i think this is one of the reasins i actually like relationships in stranger things #they actually put thought and care into them #and why the two people are compatible #instead of just shoving them together because they're both hot #lumax #jopper #jancy #byler #independent el #mine

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duhragonball · 2 years

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If you dont mind me asking about Super Hero, how do you feel about the new animation after you've watched the movie? For me, I think its still pretty awkward in slow parts but on the flip side it did make the fights feel really fluid.

I just got back from watching the dub in IMAX, so yeah, feel free to ask me about this movie! And that goes for all of you out there, too. (I'm pointing at you right now through the screen.)

Okay, so this movie was done in all 3D, CGI, whatever people call it. I've been hearing people gripe about it for a long time now, because there are a lot of people who worry about the future of 2D animation, and also there were fears that the quality would suffer, because a lot of animated shows make the jump to 3D thinking it'll be easier, and it ends up looking like crap.

All I know is that this movie looks pretty hot-damn amazing. I kind of wish the final battle wasn't so murky, but we're talking about animation, not color palettes. As far as the importance of 2D animation, I'm not qualified to speak on that. I'm just a dumbass consumer, but it seems to me that if traditional animation is such a precious, valuable thing, then it can survive the advent of new technology. Television didn't obsolete radio, and e-mail didn't kill the post office. I don't see how complaining about 3D animation does anything to help 2D flourish.

As far as quality concerns go, I think the fanbase was particularly concerned because Dragon Ball has tried dipping it's toe into 3D before, and it hasn't gone well...

It's hard to convey in a still image, but these particular shots from Res F and DBS Broly were very conspicuous, because the characters' movements looked very stiff and uninspired compared to the footage surrounding it. I think Battle of Gods had a little CGI in the Goku/Beerus fight, but it's harder to spot, at least for me. With Res F and Super Broly, it's like Toei felt more comfortable using 3D for longer, more prominent parts of the movie, and I remember them getting some flak from the fans about it. These look like screenshots from the Raging Blast games, not feature-length films made years after the PS3's heyday.

The thing is, okay, I can't speak for everyone else, but my beef wasn't with the quality of the 3D in these shots. My problem was with how awkward it was when they switched back and forth. The 3D assets looked noticeably different from the 2D models, and there was no sense of a "rule" to it. Like, if all the fight scenes were in 3D and the rest of the movie was in 2D, I'd go like "Okay, this is how the movie works." Instead, they just sort of picked a few seconds and decided to animate it differently from everything else. That's what made it jarring. That's what took me out of these two movies.

At the time, I thought to myself, "If they made the entire movie like these brief segments, then it wouldn't be bad at all." To be sure, the CGI characters in Broly aren't as appealing as the 2D animation we got. I'm not saying the movie would have been better if it had been all 3D. What I'm saying is that it would have been less disruptive than switching it up late in the film.

To give an example of what I mean, in the late 90's, Toonami had a show called the Real Adventures of Johnny Quest. There was a lot of 60's nostalgia in the 90's, so the idea was to do a "modern" version of the old Johnny Quest cartoon. It was mostly 2D, but they had a gimmick where the characters would go into some virtual reality world and fight bad guys in there. And all the VR action looked like this:

And yeah, it looks like shit, but in the 90s, this was cutting-edge, and they made it the selling point of the show. The point was that they knew they couldn't animate the whole show this way, so they came up with an in-story reason for the change in visuals. It doesn't matter if Race Bannon looks different from his 2D model, because this is his avatar in the virtual reality system. But if they could have animated the whole series in 3D, that probably would have worked too. I mean, that's what Reboot did, and Beast Wars, and people loved those shows.

So yeah, when I first found out DBSSH was going to be all 3D animation, I wasn't too surprised, since the previous three movies seemed to be practice runs for something like this. And I wasn't too concerned, because at least they were fully committing to it. If all the characters had looked like Goku, Frieza, and Broly up there, I would have still enjoyed the movie. Hell, if they looked like Race Bannon and Ezekiel Rage, I would have dug that too. I'm not that choosy when it comes to Dragon Ball. That's probably because a lot of the classic episodes look like this:

But before some OG DB purist tries to weigh in, let's check out an example from pre-Saiyans Dragon Ball, back when it was """"good"""

I'm not trying to be a smartass with these gifs, either. These are clips taken from a couple of episodes I really enjoy. I liked them so much that I made these gifs, but I'm not ashamed to admit that they're not exactly sterling examples of 2D animation. People have been making cracks about Yukio Ebisawa's art direction for years, but every 6th episode of Dragon Ball and DBZ has his name on the credits. If you're into Dragon Ball, you gotta admit you enjoy some crap animation. You like good animation too, but it's pretty much impossible to skip the goofy shit and just watch the really good stuff.

That's why I've never understood the animation snobbery in the fandom. At its core, Dragon Ball is a franchise that is not afraid to cut corners from time to time, and even make jokes at its own expense. The Super Saiyan form was invented so they could draw Goku's hair faster in the comics. They could do a movie with sock puppets and Clutch Cargo mouths and I'd be like "Yep, typical Dragon Ball."

And yet, I think there's a genuine sense of pride in the franchise, too, a desire to surpass limits and try new things. The first several dozen episodes of the DBS anime were disappointing, but they turned it around by the end. And these movies seem to represent a sincere effort to really do something special with the characters. I think that's why they dared to make an all-3D movie starring Piccolo. It would have been easier to just stick to the formula and have Goku fight Frieza some more, but they wanted to do more. And the bet paid off. Super Hero is a visually stunning movie. If those wonky moments in the previous films helped them get to this point, then it was more than worth it.

One of these days, they might screw up royally, and I'll probably join in on complaining about it. I'm still sore about DBS Episode 5. But my biggest complaint about DBS 5 was that it was badly animated and it was just retelling a story we already had from the movies. If it had been a badly animated episode with new material, I would have probably accepted it. In the end, I'm more concerned with the story. Tell me something compelling, something good, and I can deal with substandard visuals.

#dragon ball #dragon ball super super hero #ask duhragonball

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chubbletea · 3 years

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Why I think Shuichi is TRANS

I don't believe Shuichi is trans coded, but he has many trans male attributes that I noticed and highly believe he's trans because of it

I know it's a popular-ish headcanon in the fandom, and a lot of the time I just headcanon characters as trans just because. why not

I'm also elaborating on this because I can and want to, and I would like other people to see my perspective on it

Also please don't debate with me on this unless it's a joke, since I haven't seen much of Shuichi outside of ndrv3

anyways strap in folks this is gonna be a long one

1. Feminine looks

Every afab (assigned female at birth) person tends to be described as feminine

and, especially when it comes to men, Shuichi looks very feminine, even so much to the point where a few characters thought Shuichi was a girl in the manga (see below)

Alongside the manga panels of those few characters thinking Shuichi could possibly be a girl, even the wiki says that his eyelashes are feminine, and it's not only that, he just looks feminine in general.

And I'm not saying that men can't be feminine, they can be feminine as much as they like, but it's not things that Shuichi could change that are just feminine, it's just him in general that's feminine too. As in, his body (no not genitals you dirty-minded bitch /lh)

Anyways here's some images of Shuichi incase you need reminded of visuals

(focusing on Shuichi in these pics. And no, I'm not calling Shuichi feminine for expressing emotions)

See, it isn't really as visible as it is in his sprites, but that's what I'm about to discuss

2. Baggy(-ish?) clothing

I've seen some stuff about transmasc/trans male people, and heard from them that they tend to wear baggy clothing to hide their femininity, typically their boobs but it can really be anything when it comes to baggy clothing

And you maybe be thinking- "Shuichi's clothes aren't baggy"

Well, let me show you this-

See? It's slightly big on him. Plus, he's wearing two layers; his shirt and his jacket

I've seen multiple trans boys say that they like to wear multiple layers or baggy clothing to hide their femininity, and Shuichi is doing both; wearing more than one layer and his clothing is slightly baggy

Bonus points since he rarely takes it off

Even MORE bonus points since he wears a jacket on his swimsuit sprite! (sorry for the shit quality)

3. The ahoge jokes

Okay.

You might be thinking- "It's just a joke"

Well, yes, it is so, BUT! We should still consider it for this analysis

(for those of you who don't know the joke, here it is-)

It's a design gimmick the Danganronpa artist(s) use(? Is that the right word for it?)

Shuichi's ahoge is slightly spiked, if you squint

Either way, Komaru's debut, Danganronpa Ultra Despair Girls, came out before ndrv3, and Kaede was introduced before Shuichi was as well

So do you think it's normal to switch the consistent design of the male protag's ahoge to look more like a female protag's one?? while the designers know of this change??? mmmm I'm lookin at the trans flag!!

4. Stereotypes

Well, he has two gender-aligned stereotypes that go along with him

He looks like a stereotypical tomboy

He's a little associated with the "trans male uwu soft boy" stereotype

Shuichi's only partially stereotyped with those, but I will still elaborate on them

The stereotypical tomboy look is a girl with short hair while wearing a jacket, no skirt, and usually a hat and enjoying more "masculine-aligned" activities. While I don't believe that any activities are masculine or feminine aligned, it's just what society says and we're talking stereotypes here soooooo

The second stereotype, the one about trans men, is that they're shy and "soft"

While Shuichi can speak up and get serious if he needs to, and has done so before, he tends to avoid doing so when he can, and it's clear that he's shy and a bit stuttery, which is a trans boy stereotype (the stereotypes aren't true btw they're just rude)

So!

Yeah, this is why I think Shuichi is trans

Feel free to add on if you'd like, I'd love to see more evidence! Like I said, I haven't seen much outside of ndrv3!

Also, I apologize if this is a bad analysis, I haven't done one in awhile if I have ever even made one lol

I have never elaborated so much on a headcanon good GOD *slams my head on a desk*

Reblogs appreciated!

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impulsivelycontentious · 3 years

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No one reads this or connects it with my other online identities but since I've removed personals involvement from my other social media stuff, and I feel like bitching, I am jsut gonna go ahead and do it.

So I have brain damage. Yeaaaaars ago I threw up so hard I actually ripped open the inside of an artery in my neck, and it threw a clot, and that clot did some nasty shit on its way on through and out.

No doctor noticed for two weeks.

Everyone else did.

Good times.

Anyway.

So now I have a damaged brain. Brains don't grow back. Some areas can regenerate a few cells - notably the prefrontal lobe - but mostly brains fix themselves not by regenerating like skin does, but by rearranging the cells we have to fire to fancy new configurations.

This has been quite the ride. Because shit, it changes things.

I don't even know how much of my personality is consistent. No idea. Let alone everything else.

I have memory loss my nurologist won't akowledge because it falls short of dementia. That was the bar. "You don't have dementia, you know what year it is." Gee thanks there chief.

Anyway.

My brain wasn't too stable to begin with. I have always been prone to logic leaps that occur very quickly and not necessarily in ways other people would make them. My mind is jumbled and a little random and things collide all the time that probably shouldn't.

This has become much worse since the brain damage. See, my brain keeps wiring shit together. Shit it really shouldn't. It changes who I am, what I think, what I can think.

It's actually quite terrifying to realise you're a sack of geletine misfiring lighting at itself.

So anyway. To the point. Yes - I have one of those. Probably. It's somewhere in here.

Oh right, no, another detour. I'm autistic. "Oh yeah, they definatly didn't screen girls when I was a kid because how the fuck did they miss this otherwise" autistic.

Back to the point.

Recently I had this sensory processing ... Whatever the fuck that was. I call them.idssocistive episodes. I don't know how accurate that is. But my mind unhooks from my sensory data. Everything feels muted and unreal - sound, sight, touch, heat. Name it. It's wrong.

I hate these.

It gets particularly nasty because there are nurologicsl consequences. See, my concious mind ramps up it's interpretation of sensory data. It goes all in and leaves the rest of my existence stuffed in this tiny little box without enough space to do dick.

One effect of this is I suddenly become highly obsessive. I think it's a comfort mechanism, I require the same stimulus over and over again or to somehow mentally connect it to the same element. Of course, it could also jsut be that obsessive behaviour towards interests is part of who I am. I am autistic. I DEFIANTLY go all in when something fascinates me. But not... Not like this.

Do you have ANY IDEA how many times I watched starwars 8 in 72 hours? Any clue? Holy fricking ... Something. I watched it fast. I watched it slow. I watched it skipping ahead 10 seconds every 10 seconds. I dissected that thing in micrscopic detail.

It gets better. Because mere hours before I got hit with this episode... I was not a starwars fan.

Nope. I watched it. It was ok. I wasn't going out of my way for it.

And suddenly. Wham. Episode 8. All the time. I watched some 7 and 9 as well but it was like it was entierly because eit was connected to 8.

I cannot even.

And while this is happening, *I know*. I know. I really do. I know this isn't my normal behaviour. I know this isn't my wheelhouse. I know something is deeply, deeply wrong in my brain.

I think it might actually be an ok movie, honestly. But not THAT good. And now it's one of my favourite things. Forever. I have no idea if it's actually good. Did I not give eit a chance the first time? Is my obsessive brain simply emotionally hooked up how? Fuck, I don't know.

So that's why I'm posting today. On this day. May 4th.

I'm seeing a lot of star wars today and it's making my brain tickle with it's own ridiculousness.

Not the whole point though. Because it lasted 72 hours (I watched dit one more time after that and if wasn't near as intense).

But what happened AFTER my 72 hours as an obsessive raylo (oh yeah. I went there. I'm not even ashamed. I am also compeltely content with the end they got, because I do not see that shit working out).

Brains don't regrow. They rewire.

And suddenly, I'm drawing. Like... A lot. I filled pages of doodles. Sketches. I redrew a peice I'd been working on for about a month in a few hours and damnit, it was good. It's not professional quality but I'd never down anything that well before. This goes on for another day. And then I started a story, and I wrote 2000 words all at once.

I'm dyslexic. And words are severely impacted by my brain damage to the point it can cause me phsycial pain to force my thoughts in to words.

And here I am. Going nuts on my phone. The words just spilling out and again - damnit, it was good shit.

My brain was abstracting. Where the concious sort had been shunted, it wasn't directing the abstracting aspect of my mind.

And I was making cognative leaps. My brain was wiring itself together for creativity.

For another 24 hours.

And now, dear reader, we get to now.

I have written 200 words in the last 2 days. They feel wrong.

I started and stopped a dozen images. None of them feel right. And there are objective quality differences.

I can still draw a bit. If I'm not tired. I'm almost always tired - it's neural fatigue, it comes with surviving a brain damage.

I have somehow brain damaged my way in to better skills.

And it's... It's not a good feeling.

Doing it the first time and watching something take place in front of my eyes I don't recognise was like magic. It was euphoric. Amazing. Exciting.

Realising as time wears on that the ability to do this is intrinsically tied in to the way ones brain handles brain damage and sensory processing issues?

Not a great feeling cats. Not at all.

I find myself staring at a document willing words on tot he page that just aren't there anymore and feeling so frustrated I could scream.

Whose idea was this anyway? Why can't I keep my rewiring?

It's so hard dto explain the feeling of loss.

It's not me who did these things. A version of me, yes. But not the one we are keeping.

The one we keep struggles to hold a narrarive in her head and the narrator's tone took 3 rewritten to preserve for a single paragraph.

I don't want to stop. But how do I keep going? I'm not the author anymore and I've always struggled with adopting the tone of others.

So yeah. That's where I'm at. And I wanna talk about it. Because I don't want to be alone. But I can't escape the feeling I'm being dramatic. Terribly dramatic. And so talking about it is hard. How much is my own spin and perception and how much is real?

Did this really happen?

I think it did. But like every story I tell, I don't know. Memory loss. Cognetive issues.

I just wanna tell stories and draw. But the words hurt and the art makes me tired.

It's frustrating is all.

I hate being lighting geletine.

In case you're wondering what kind of cognative leap happened:

That one is april 4th.

And that one April 28th.

🤷‍♀️

Fucked if I know, really.

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