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bluewinnerangel · 3 years

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whenever I think about louis and zayn's friendship I always remember my own friend (obvs idk too many details abt their friendship but from what I do know yk?) we were friends for 8years before everything fell apart, it was really complicated the way things went down and the worst thing was that it wasn't exactly our faults that everything happened the way it did, altho it was our faults that the giant ocean between us remained if not increased in size

we were so prideful, im confident it was one of the reasons that made it so hard for us to even speak abt it and even now 3 years later, we've only talked a couple times bc of work and running into each other thru other mutual friends

looking back on it there are some things I wish we didnt say to each other, I miss her deeply and she was always such a dear friend but the chasm between us feels so very big and so very deep and whilst I dont regret how everything went down I do still miss her and talking to her sometimes - its like these two very conflicting parts of me

i started thinking abt all this because shes getting married nxt yr and i (surprisingly) got an invite and im so incredibly grateful to have but i always imagined that i'd be her maid of honour yk? that I'd be one of the ppl designing these invites with her and panicking abt which flowers to get and telling her she looked beautiful in every dress she tired on, it feels so weird right now to be sitting here with her invite to the left of me as I type this, because we were that close and my throat is already closing up just thinking abt being there - it also reminds me of that one moment when an interviewer asked louis and zayn who their best man was gonna be and louis immediately looked at zayn - like that used to be me and her

i will say tho these invites make me very emotional because 5years ago when she had been with her now fiancee, less than half year we joked abt a wedding and we lowkey planned a half assed one, and the invites match the colour scheme (lavender and white and yellow I swear it looks nice i'd send a photo but it wont let me send the ask w/ one) and that could just be bc she liked it like we choose that together but im scared that there are gonna be sunflowers and gardenia's at the wedding I think i'll actually burst into tears if there are bc those were my idea and like i think it would look lovely!! and im defs not one of those 'i was saving that for my wedding!' or whatever it'd be lovely it'd just make me very emotional bc I literally remember the moment i suggested them and the way she looked so suspicious of it and I had to show her and its ingrained in my mind that memory - this is one of the friendships that quite literally shaped me, i've know her since i was 16 (so literally same as louis and zayn)

it just made me wonder if zayn will be invited to louis's wedding yk? and if he'll go thru the same emotions im going thru rn bc it feels like part of my heart is gone yet I feel this insane and deep happiness for her and how far shes come and whilst I've been watching from afar for so long i probably dont even know her anymore it still feels so weird to be going as smth other than next to her and i'll probably be sat at that table of old friends/ppl she hasnt seen in a while and it feels weird, very weird

im sorry for sending u this so randomly, u can defs 100 ignore it, bc its sooo damn long but i remembered ur zayn/louis post that nearly was and just had some thoughts - not that u ever hv to drop it or anything!! no pressure darling

Hey sorry I missed this ask when you sent this but I've read and digested it this morning and I just wanna say thanks for sharing, this is actually very relatable and made me tear up a little. I'm thinking of my 16yo self with my highschool BFF at the time with a friendship that didn't make it out of hs, my ex, very good friends for years that just drifted off once they got a partner, people I talked to every day for years and then not at all, people that moved away, the one that got away, or even people that just were completely toxic. It's different when they're still kinda in your life a little bit but at a distance because you can't really let it be the way it was I guess, dealing with that dynamic shift can really just fuck with your perception of those memories you have with them, but my mindset (in the end) is always that I'm grateful for the time we had, even if it ended horribly or they hurt me or I hurt them or just stopped caring about them for whatever reason, and you know still I'm just fond of the way they "enriched" my life? Idk how else to put it. And even when our relationship was nothing but positive but we still drifted apart for whatever reason I almost never have a need to try and pull them back into it either like I'm just.. grateful they were there at some point. And I'm content with that. For the time we had. Whatever happened, those good (or not even but.. granting life experience I guess let's put it that way) memories are still there. Same for people that are currently in my life, I want them here and I'm so so grateful that they wanna be here that they wanna share a bit of them with me but that's just.. it. Like I don't expect them to stay and this sounds horrible I'm also just not trying to make em stay? I'm just kinda like if you're along for my ride and I'm along for yours, good, if this choochoo mess uncouples detaches goes off to different stations then it was fun while it lasted. I'm not saying it's not a terrifying thought to part ways with for instance my partner for a decade that I still very much want in my life but these 10 years worth of memories and growing together no horrible conscious decoupling for whatever reason is gonna take that away from me, idk if this was an appropriate response but it's where my mind went hah

Another absolutely random thought but this made me think of me and my friend when we were maybe 14, and we told each other that if we were still single by 30 we'd marry each other. He got together with one of our other friends not long after and they married eventually (I'm talking a decade later). I don't talk to them anymore, it would be strange to go "hey congrats on getting married remember we said we'd marry each other hehe!" Ajakskskaka and yet still it's nothing but great looking that that was our friendship once.

Then for our dear zouis, its very hard to figure that out from a couple of interview moments and lyrics that might or might not be about something or not, the idea I have of them is thanks to some links in some of their songs that could be intentional, and it's pretty sad? But then again a song isn't an accurate reflection of every and all sides of a situation/relationship whatever. Will I ever post that leeeeeellll nobody knoowsss.

Oh the rambles.

#long post #just rambling man

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