#after she gets into college. like they would’ve worked i think the doppelgänger and her. but bc damon was there that’s what she got

[freezing-kaiju]

mechaphilosophy in the snack aisle

an AsuRei and KawoShin fic. Fluff and meta stuff.

Summary: While running an errand with Rei, Asuka discovers, to her horror, that she agrees with Rei, Kaworu, and Shinji on something: none of them like mecha anime. Nightmares are discussed, hands are held, Kaworu stands on things he shouldn't.

(au detail: modern au, set during community college, no evangelions, au to be named soon)

September. Saturday afternoon, about three-ish, Asuka didn’t bother to check. One of the handful of friends she’d made at the community college had invited her to a movie night at five. Of course, like everything in life, an escape like this came with a catch. This catch wasn’t the worst, though; if she was picking snacks, then she could pick her favorites. 

And like always, Wonder Girl decided to tag along.

That was both a problem and a benefit. Benefit, because Asuka knew there was gonna be someone there she could talk to, someone to start a petty fight with, someone to sneak out a window with if shit got rough, someone to make sure she didn’t touch any booze, and someone to back her up and deck a motherfucker if this turned out to be some shitty prank.

Problem, because she couldn’t for the life of her think of a topic to argue about while they bought snacks.

“Well?” Ayanami asked, as she plucked a microwave popcorn package off a shelf and swept it into the cart.

“Gimme a sec.” Asuka’s eyes scanned over the rows of chips, as if bags would give her an idea that wouldn’t be insipidly tumblr-ask-game-y. And she already knew Rei didn’t know a thing about discourse, be it Doctor Who or Voltron.

Wait. Voltron.

Asuka snapped her fingers, yanking a bag off the shelf in a dramatic flourish and lobbing it in the cart. Stopping and checking is for wusses. The chips landed with a satisfying crunch.

“So!” She felt Ayanami’s creepy stare boring into her neck like a vampire who missed the whole ‘teeth’ memo, and whirled around to meet her gaze. “I’ve got our topic.” Hands on hips, smirk in place, Asuka gave herself a dramatic pause. “Mecha!”

“Mecha,” Ayanami echoed, stare flickering away from Asuka to a glance at some shelf. A couple years ago, that would’ve pissed her off to no end. Now she knew better; that was Wonder Girl’s sign she was thinking. She’d learned a lot over the past years. Her signs of discomfort, of happiness, what not to touch (neck), what not to call her (doppelgänger, fake, tool most of all). She liked to hope Ayanami put the same effort in for her.

“Mecha!” Asuka repeated, then added, “Because it’s stupid, and it’s lame, and I’ve never liked it.”

Ayanami remained silent. The corner of her mouth twitched down; frustration, or fear, either of which was...weird, especially for her.

After what felt like forever (but was probably just a minute), Asuka broke the silence. “Uh...hey? Earth to Wonder Girl? This is where we argue? Did ya forget our whole thing?”

Ayanami blinked, slow and deliberate. “I...agree.”

Those two words felt like a slap to Asuka’s face. “You...you what?!”

“I agree. I... I don’t like mecha.” Ayanami’s stare snapped back to meet Asuka’s, and for some reason there was fear in the depths of her red irises. “I hate mecha.”

The two of them were, in a word, shook. In all twelve years of knowing each other, this was the first time Rei’d ever agreed with Asuka. Well, they’d agreed on some things, but never their Specific Argument Topics. And Rei felt stronger on it than Asuka! Jokes about Wonder Girl finally growing a spine, about how “the robot got sentience,” about how the irony of it all had slipped through Asuka’s fingers, and she grasped for a single word:

“Why?!”

Ayanami lifted a hand in the air, and Asuka tensed. Was Wonder Girl going to punch her? Over a stupid anime opinion? Sure, let’s go, let’s throw down! In the grocery store! Because life is already that goddamn crazy! She could feel herself getting fired up.

...but then, Ayanami’s wrist went limp. Her hand twitched back and forth, a motion that practically short circuited Asuka’s guesses. What was she doing? Was there something seriously fucking amiss?! She directed her glare at the hand, then at the Rei attached to it. “The fuck’s wrong?!”

“I,” Ayanami began, still making the weird hand motion, “Can’t explain why.”

Asuka let out a sigh of relief, and immediately cursed the fact she was holding one in at all. “Well! Nice to see I’ve stumped you for once, then!” She let out a laugh that curdled in her mouth when she glanced back at Ayanami, whose face was a mask (well it was ALWAYS a stupid mask, a stupid blank pretty doll mask) of concentration. “Wait, is it, like... serious?”

Ayanami shook her head ever so slightly, and Asuka found herself wishing for the nine thousandth time that her rival could maybe find the guts to express herself more. It sucked a little, being the only one who could read the book that was Wonder Girl, but hey, take pride in all she can. “Your reasons?” Ayanami asked, more pointedly towards Asuka this time. 

“Well!” Asuka put her hands back on her hips and took a few moments to parse her thoughts, rattling off each one whenever it popped into mind. “It’s always some military bullshit, first off! Colorful space military, come join, fight the good fight, all that shady shit. Feels like propaganda for a thing that doesn’t even exist!”

“Japan does have a military,” Ayanami said.

“Do they have mechs, though?!” Asuka shot back.

“Fair, continue.”

“Right! And it’s always kids, or teens! Which, I get it, power fantasy, I love that shit sometimes, but like! That responsibility? On someone like, 14?!”

“That’s the conceit of most shows,” Ayanami pointed. Back and forth, good. Asuka craved these kinds of volleys.

“Yeah, but think about it! Superpowers, magic, both of those are usually, like, accidents? Or self-accepted, or born with? But like, a cool mech was built, designed, approved! Someone at the top of the line had to say, oh yeah, put a kid behind the wheel of that big stomping deathbot! What could go wrong?!”

“Much,” Ayanami conceded.

“And sometimes I...” Asuka paused, practically screaming at herself ‘GENUINE THOUGHTS, ABORT, ABORT, SHUT YOUR FUCK’, but her traitorous mouth kept going, “...get nightmares about like, me being in one, fighting all these other mechs, and the dream always starts out fun and perfect and like I’m doing something, and then--”

“And then?” Rei cut in, and Asuka didn’t know whether she wanted to deck her or collapse in her arms, but the words kept going either way.

“And then the mech gets hit, and I fall over, and everything hurts and I’m bleeding all over and I... and I fucking die, every time, I always die screaming and I always die alone!” Asuka hugged her arms to herself, winding down from her rant. She refused to look at Rei. “I just... It’d suck, to die in one of those. To die alone.”

Rei didn’t respond, and Asuka didn’t look... at least, not until she felt Wonder Girl’s cold, soft fingers, ghosting across the back of her left hand. She let go of her own arms, hands dropping to her side, and Rei’s fingers lightly caressed that hand again, then laced with Asuka’s longer, rougher ones. The grip was loose for just a moment, before Asuka gripped on like a lifeline. 

“Like this’ll help,” Asuka scoffed, voice barely above a whisper. “Like I need help. I’m fine! I’m-- Just gimme a moment, I’ll be fine.”

Rei gave a slight nod in response, and Asuka stayed quiet. Shallow breathing gave way to proper rhythm, and Asuka put her smirk back on. Everything’s fine. Can’t lose my grip. Thank fuck I didn’t cry. She refused to let go of Ayanami’s hand, though. “Your turn, Wonder Girl,” she prompted, bravado almost regrown.

“Dehumanization,” Ayanami responded. “In two forms.”

“...huh?” Asuka raised an eyebrow. Maybe Wonder Girl’s stance on it would be interesting after all. Especially given her whole... ’tool’... thing. “What d’you mean?”

“First form.” Ayanami held up her index finger. “Mechs are masks.”

Asuka tilted her head. This she wanted to hear.

Ayanami continued, “A person steps inside a mech enough, they stop being a person. They’re a computer, running the mech. The mech becomes them. Like a superhero, but...” She paused, waved her hand again. “But a hero sees their foes are people. If the two of us were in mechs...” Ayanami averted her gaze. “I wouldn’t know it was you. You’d just be a part of a big robot. Just a target. Easy to kill.”

“... yeah, that’s fucked up!” Asuka laughed nervously. How the fuck did it get this heavy? 

Ayanami nodded again and returned her stare to Asuka’s face. Her loose hold on Asuka’s hand tightened, almost imperceptibly, but Asuka felt it. “Apologies. Losing you is my worst-case scenario.”

Asuka felt her whole face erupt into a massive blush. Scheiße! What kind of stupid, pathetic, desperate, sweet, romantic shit is she pulling?! What do I SAY?! “You too!” Asuka blurted out, regretting it instantly. “Idiot!” she added, as if it’d sharpen the admittance into a stab rather than a confession.

It didn’t work; to Asuka’s sheer fury, Wonder Girl cracked the slightest of smiles, and... and blushed.

Rei could blush.

Asuka felt her heartbeat ramp up at just that sight. Desperately, she tried to reign the conversation back into direction. “But about the mecha! Your second reason?!” she asked, though she already had a pretty good idea of what it was.

“Second form: pilots are disposable,” Ayanami said, and Asuka dabbed inside her mind. “Anyone can pilot a mech if the pilot dies. Through replacement, or… cloning. The ‘same person’ could be one in a series. That gets internalized. I… would internalize that.” Her gaze grew distant. Scheiße. 

“Hey.” Asuka tugged a little on Rei’s hand, and maneuvered around so Rei was leaning on her. 

Rei didn’t respond. 

“There aren’t any more of you, dummy,” Asuka said. “You’re Rei Ayanami. The only Rei Ayanami.”

Rei responded only to nudge Asuka. Keep going, got it. 

“And...and even if there were more! Even if there were a thousand fucking Reis, you’re the only Wonder Girl.”

No response for a moment, two moments, three… then Rei began to hum. It was soft, tuneless... familiar, though. Rei’s hum. Her special weird way to say she felt safe, or happy, or content. Asuka didn’t really know which. Maybe it was all three. She knew, though, that she could listen to it forever.

Unfortunately...

“May I intrude?”

In an instant, the two rivals ripped away, Asuka with a shriek and a jump aside while Ayanami sidestepped silently. As her fury ratcheted from 1 to 14, Asuka’s gaze whipped over to the intruder on their moment.

Perched atop one of the shelves was the lanky, white-haired weirdo Asuka recognized as Kaworu. He was new in town, but he had made a fucking impression; not many people go door to door to tell everyone they’re new in town without being on some kinda list. He flashed a grin that struck Asuka as a little too wide. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Creep! Dummkopf!” Asuka hurled a string of further insults, finishing with, “And what the fuck are you doing up there anyway?!”

Kaworu’s grin remained. He spread his arms and seesawed his shoulders, like he had never shrugged before and was trying out the concept for the first time. “I climbed. Overheard your discussion and felt like joining.”

“What?” Ayanami asked before Asuka could tell him to go fuck off. 

“Mmm. What you mentioned, about... de-human-ing, was it? I find it even more tragic, from the unarmed foe’s perspective. Some powerful creature that,” he made strange air quotes, “‘must be dealt with’ is fighting tooth and nail against something made with the most perfect engineering humanity can figure. It’s...sad? Futile? I’m not sure of the proper word...” Lost in thought, Kaworu slipped off the shelf he was perched on and tumbled to the ground, landing on all fours with a hiss. 

Asuka burst out laughing, but it turned into a groan when she heard the frenzied patter of sneakers approaching the aisle. Great. Another person. And with my luck, it’s--

“Kaworu! Kaworu, are you okay?!”

...Shinji. Asuka rolled her eyes towards her currently-out-of-breath former classmate, who was scrambling to help Kaworu up, rambling on about workplace safety or something. Lots of things to call Shinji. Tryhard. Lab partner. Sorta friend. Rebound “crush.” Asuka decided to skip any polite pretense. Not a classroom, not Ayanami’s house, Shinji didn’t need to be her problem. “Hey, moron.”

“O-oh!” He seemed to notice the other two and waved a little. “Hey, Asuka, Rei, nice to see you two?”

“Brother,” Ayanami offered as her greeting for the moment. They had been officially siblings for awhile now, ever since the trial, but as far as Asuka knew they were still on shaky ground with each other. All the better, she didn’t want to deal with Shinji’s bullshit any more than she had to. 

“How serendipitous of you to arrive! We were just discussing an intriguing topic,” Kaworu announced, as if he were bringing up the obvious instead of grandfathering Shinji into his interruption. “Mecha? Mecha anime? Are you familiar with it, and what are your thoughts on the topic?”

“Uh...” Shinji’s eyes flicked between them, and shrunk in on himself a little. Asuka… okay, she had to admit, that was kind of a worrying way to take an easy question like that. He shrugged. “I-I’ve seen some Robotech, some Gundam, a little of Tiger and Bunny? Saw all of The Big O and really liked it, but... I stopped watching them, I guess.”

“Why? Ya get scared?” Asuka smirked. She refused to even think “mood” in relation to Shinji.

“Kinda? I mean, I-I--” he stuttered, stumbling over his words as ever, “I just, it stopped being fun? I started... I dunno. Thinking about the pressure I’d be under, if I really was in one of those. Can’t pretend I’m a cool robot pilot once I think of it like a responsibility.”

“And the responsibility could be so cruel,” Kaworu added, leaning on and over Shinji. The moron blushed pomegranate red, and Asuka clapped a hand over her own mouth, trying not to burst out laughing.

“I-I mean yeah, I--” 

“Let’s go.” Ayanami nudged Asuka, and she made an effort to tune Shinji out. Not like that was hard. “We’re running late.”

Asuka let out a sigh of relief and grabbed the shopping cart again. “Thank fuck. Let’s get the fuck outta this idiot stand... zone... whatever!”

“We had a good moment,” Ayanami observed, not commenting on the mangled insult. Who knows, maybe someday she’d get Wonder Girl to laugh. “And they ruined it.”

“Ugh! Yeah!”

“That moment. It could happen again.”

Asuka laughed. “In your dreams, Wonder Girl.”

#asurei #reisuka #asuka langley soryu #rei ayanami #neon genesis evangelion #nge #nge horror au #my fics #soryu asuka langley #ayanami rei

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 57 yesterday

I came in and sat down on her couch after using the bathroom. She asked how I'm doing and I said OK. She sat down and ask how my weekend was and I said this was not my week. She asked what happened and I said I wrote a list but that I would try to be quick about it. I first told her about the situation yesterday with the noise machines. Lynn was confused and kind of like what the heck noise machines everybody just gets used to it once you hear them and it's like they're not even there anymore except for they block the sound. I was like I mean I get that I don't know why they don't get that. I told her about how I almost had a panic attack thinking I saw Erin and home I realized that at some point I seriously need to deal with that because I don't know what I would've done if it had actually been Erin. I told her about Thanksgiving and how I was looking forward to it and being able to have a few days off but that now am I'm not as much because of what my husband's mom said and that I hate feeling like I'm a burden to his family and that there's pressure on me simultaneously to create traditions and enjoy it. I asked Lynn if it was bad that I wanted a traditional Thanksgiving meal and Lynn was like no but basically that I need to recognize that there are some solutions here because we can always do Cracker Barrel Thanksgiving with his mom and then have our own Thanksgiving meal at home after or just not go or invite his mom to our apartment which I was like there's not enough room and she was like well you can still do it basically LOL. I explained how I felt like it would be easier if we had a house because then I could say that we could host it for a change since it's too much work on her but also that his mom doesn't really like coming over the mountain to visit.  Lynn explained that this is something that my husband and I probably really need to get on the same page about because all of this becomes exponentially harder once you throw kids into the mix. She said once I have kids she knows me and she knows that I will be a mama bear and it will be good to have talked through these things ahead of time. She said that she's had several clients and friends over the years who essentially given ultimatum their husbands and say either we have it here or I'm not going. She explained how I bend of the day my husband's mom just wants to spend time with us and we can still do that and do the Cracker Barrel thing and do our own meal and enjoy the traditions elsewhere or after. She also explained home basically this is something about his mom's personality that will probably never change which is why it's so important for us to be on the same page now and that ultimately he should be defending me as his wife because if I'm saying that I'm feeling like I'm burdening his family that's not OK. She said how her dad is still nitpicks about her husband and it's been 23 or 24 years and I was like wait you don't know and she laughed and was like 23 I think 23 it will be 24 years next year I'm just getting excited for 25 and I'm rushing it but I want to get to 25 and go on a fun adventure. She explained how she has a different perspective than me because she's been married for so long now and that when she looks back she wishes she had done things differently when she was my age and was young and in her 20s. She pointed out that when she was young she was terrified of divorce so there was things that she would never have said but now she wishes she had and that they could've worked through them then. She said now at this point in life she is quick to be like here's what's going on and if this doesn't change I'm OK with leaving because at this point she was like when you hit my age you realize that half  of your friends are divorced and you don't deserve to put up with certain things and you realize divorce isn't the end of the world and what are men in middle age most afraid of? Being left. She laughed and ask if I am have ever worked with any middle-aged men and she said how funny it is how it kind of changes because middle-age men really really struggle with this idea of being left in mid life and that's probably part of why they get remarried so quickly is because they don't want to be alone. She explained how while me venting about it might help me feel better in the moment it really won't fix anything long term and she brought up how it would be great if I could get my husband to go to therapy with me for couples counseling and just talk about how we need to get on the same page, not necessarily that we need to talk about the eating disorder or his anxiety or his issues with his mom or whatever. I explained have a check would be actually getting him to go because he does not want to go. I also told her about how we ate at Moes and he got super anxious and then I was glad that he recognized that he was being triggered but that it was hard and I told her that I'm also at the end of My period And she laughed and said she was wondering if that might be the case making me more sensitive to some of these things and I said yes and I've taking the Prozac every day, which she laughed and said good. She pretty much just said to try to suggest counseling again and to wait on good timing to bring it up and hopefully he will be receptive so that we can work through things together and be on the same page about some of the big things like finances and holidays and whatnot. She pointed out that as I'm sure I've seen in my practice to, there are a lot of couples that struggle with figuring out holidays and family situations especially being a family therapist. I said I knew she was right and it'll be fine it's just frustrating. She brought up the idea of compromise and I said that my idea of compromise was the fact that I'm running a 5K on Thanksgiving instead of watching the parade LOL. She mentioned that this is something that if we married for life then I will be dealing with for the rest of my life and I was like thanks Lynn and she laughed and was like well it's true. She also mentioned something about cooking and I was like do you not like to cook Lynn because she said how she cooks for her in-laws and she was like well I think I just normally have so many rods in the fire that it's hard to keep track of everything and I always end up burning something so not really but she said she used to like the top Chef shows and Food Network which I was like oh my God do you know who Chef Alex is? She was like no I don't think so and I was like hold on let me just show you because she's totally your doppelgänger and I pulled up a picture and she was like oh yeah I can see that and she did remember who she was she just hasn't watched in a long time. I told her that she's my favorite chef and always has been and that she reminds me so much of Lynn. She also mentioned town at some point Thanksgiving becomes more about the kids and then eventually she hopes that she will continue to do Thanksgiving and what not even when she slows down for when she has grandkids. I also told her about my dad texting me about natural remedies for the thyroid. I explained how I felt ashamed and how my parents would be so disappointed knowing I take Prozac once a month, let alone if I had to take a daily pill for my thyroid. Lynn was basically like you could just not tell them, which is true, but I explained how I would still feel guilty.

At some point Lynn's phone went off that she got a text and she was like why is that your phone or mine and I was like that was definitely yours and she was like hold on let me turn it off. She was like otherwise I'm probably going to get a whole bunch. She asked if I had heard about the ACT blunder and I was like no and she was like oh well they are in validating my sons high school scores and also another county and basically saying that there was a cheating situation and how it is just really bad because it affects scholarships for people. She said that her son is one point away from a certain scholarship and she was like but honestly even if he doesn't get his test back because this is the last time that he can test for it he would have the ability to apply for loans and have those resources but there are some people who are completely out of options and they are literally waiting on the scores to see if college is even going to be an option for them because of the scholarships. I told her about my client he got a 34 and she was like well what county are they and she was like well don't tell them but there's a potential that nobody's test scores from that time would count. She said the Washington Post just got involved so they are hoping for some national attention. She said that she hopes that they will just do away with the entire AC T and SAT and make it optional and that way the people who get 34th and 35 can submit and everyone else can just ignore it LOL. I told her if it made her feel better, the equivalent of my ACT was a 19 so there's some evidence that you don't have to necessarily do well on the ACT to succeed in life LOL to my surprise Lynn said that she only got a 20 so I guess I was in good company and I laughed and said oh so you weren't really good at it either and she was like no but didn't you have anxiety or something and I was like yeah and two of my sections didn't even count. She said when she took it everybody only took the test once and that was it or is like with her son this was his sixth time taking it and they hired a tutor for him and everything because they were hoping to get his test scores up that one point so that he could get scholarship. She said she thinks he will be OK either way and he's looking at I think she said Sarah Lawrence College which is kind of an art school and they will probably accept him either way. I think at that point she kind of realized that she was off on a tangent and she was like well anyway back to you and I was like well I hope that they validate your sons scores and that he makes the higher score for scholarships. She said thanks and she hope so too.

I told her about how I went to that luncheon and how you could tell that everybody there was looking around at what everybody was eating and just being Judgy and how I held my bladder because I didn't want to go to the bathroom and have anybody suspect that I was purging and then I finished my plate even though I didn't really like the squash because I didn't want there to be any room for anyone to think that I was restricting. Lynn was like is that really what you're supposed to do in that setting and I was like no ideally you would practice mindful eating and stop when your fall or if you don't like something and go to the bathroom if you have to go to the bathroom and under most circumstances I would do that, but not in that type of setting where I know people are going to be looking for behaviors like that. I told her about the good conversation that I had with my old therapist and how it felt so good knowing that he was treating me like an actual professional instead of like how that nutritionist made me out to be somebody incompetent. She pointed out that this is a really interesting phenomenon that I've described with in the eating disorder community where she was like this would never happen with something like alcoholism where that would be like if a alcoholic had gotten sober and became a therapist and if all the other treatment providers were treating them differently because it's like oh you were one of them. She mentioned the idea of writing about it and trying to get something published with in their journal about how difficult it can be having recovered from an eating disorder and being in those settings. I explained how I think what is hard and makes it unique from other  addictions and disorders is the fact that with drugs or alcohol you can just stop and then you are considered sober but with eating issues everything is so gray that I mean you have to eat and there's not a very clear definition of what recovery is in the field can't really agree on what recovered means and whether or not it's just the absence of symptoms and to what extent those symptoms need to be gone and whether or not if you have an occasional thought of purging with that mean you are not recovered? It's just very up in the air. She said that made sense and she hadn't thought of it that way but that it's still a very interesting phenomenon. She pointed out that as she said many times she isn't an eating disorder specialist and won't ever be and has no interest in pursuing that further and I was like LOL I mean thanks? And she was like you know what I mean not that I don't care but that you can only really focusing on so many areas and then have general knowledge of all the other ones which is why we don't focus on the eating disorder stuff in here and I was like yeah I get that it was just the way yo and won't ever be and has no interest in pursuing that further and I was like LOL I mean thanks? And she was like you know what I mean not that I don't care but that you can only really focusing on so many areas and then have general knowledge of all the other ones which is why we don't focus on the eating disorder stuff in here and I was like yeah I get that and she was like you know I specialize in trauma and so that's why I focus all of my conferences and studying in. She questioned about recovery rates and I was like honestly recovery with eating disorders is pretty low anyway. She mentioned that Merrick every story is really unique and she laughed and said that I need to figure out how to treat eating disorders and how EMDR was sort of created on a whim and it has revolutionized how we treat trauma so I need to do the same with eating disorders LOL I was like no small task here Lynn and she laughed and said that someone's got to do it. She mentioned feeling that with the way that I am it makes her think that at least for me the eating disorder is sort of a branch of obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorders and I was like yeah and not being able to tolerate difficult feelings and she was like well but I think it's more than that she started talking about plasticity and children's brains who are more from birth on inclined to have those obsessive compulsive traits. She said how her son actually has OCD and that he's always had those obsessive-compulsive trades even as a baby and they were wondering if he was going to be on the spectrum and she was like and I mean I don't know maybe he's a little bit on the spectrum now but he's always been that way and she was saying how I've probably also always had those patterns developed into my brain as a little kid. I said that made sense and I told her that that was the end of my list of things going on.

She said that she didn't think we had much time left which I was like fuck I wasted all that time on my stupid list but it is what it is. She asked me how I was feeling about the stuff we had worked on last time. I explained how when I think about it briefly probably like a one but if I like really think about it that's probably more like at four and she was like well that would be the goal though because if you have to really think about something or to prod emotion that's not good. Which I didn't mean necessarily that like if I sit there and ruminate about it and really try to put myself in it, I just meant more or less that if I just casually think of it it's not like terribly overwhelming but if I actually pause and think about what actually happened it does bother me more but whatever the case I said that being in the car would be at four but the initial thing we were working on which would be when I was actually sick and I'm asking my mom if I can, grandma, that's a one. So then she asked what keeps it at one and I was like honestly I really don't now and she was like do you get a feeling in your body and I was like well yeah anxiety in my chest and she was like well then she was like what do you think would make it go down to a zero and I was like honestly I don't really know. I said that I wished I knew and she was like well you know the process and how this all works and with blocking believes and what not and my guess would be if we keep getting all these memories down to a one there must be some sort of blocking believe they're so help be out, what is it? And instantly I felt like I was going to cry and I asked if she was frustrated with me. She said now and that she was just trying to figure it out because sometimes as a therapist she isn't always on the right track and she just wants to figure out the best direction to help me and she asked why and I said I don't know I just thought that you were getting frustrated with me for a minute and she was like no i'm really not. I said OK and we talked about can I be OK with the one and I was like I mean I'm not but I can learn to deal with it and she was like well the goal would be to except it eventually or to figure out what stopping it from being a zero. I was like yeah and she was like what is it that makes it feel like a one and I was like I don't know I guess just that like when I think about it I do feel sad and she was like well then we can start with that next time and I was like OK. I ended up explaining how I don't deal with conflict well and how like after the sound machine issue yesterday now I just want to check out and not talk to any of them ever again which I know is terribly unhealthy and I was like I don't know I just like don't really do well with conflict and when people are upset and Lynn was like yeah I know you don't LOL and I was like I know but I don't know how to fix that. She wrote something down and I was like OK and she said we would work on these things.

I paid her and I scheduled the two weeks out session. I told her I need to find my debit card and she was like oh no that's not good and I was like yeah common struggle for me. I told her that I wished I was better with the float back and she told me to remind her of that next session and we can try to work with it. I explained how I've just literally never been able to do it and I have a teenager who is able to do it with literally every single negative belief. She wished me safe travels and a happy Thanksgiving and I was like dear Evan Hansen will be in the parade and she was like oh my gosh really well I'm going to watch it and I was like yes! She said that her daughter tried out to be Zoe last week and they don't know if she'll get a call back or anything but it was cool for her to get to try out an audition and I was like what that is literally the coolest thing ever I'm so jealous so cool and she was like I know I'm so excited and I was like ugh lol and I headed out.