#actually byan admitting to any of their trauma with someone they're close to would be huge

[byanyan]

ㅤbyan has killed someone before. it's only happened once, and it was entirely in self-defense.

they were 14 when it happened. assaulted on the street by a grown man with no one around to step in, there was no real choice. they tried to fight him off and run, but he was twice their size and stronger than them. fortunately they've been in the habit of carrying a minimum of one knife on their person at all times for most of their life, so it made fighting back more possible. still, they hesitated at first to deal any lethal damage, opting more for warning swipes than stabs, but the man didn't relent — if anything, it only made him angrier. it quickly became clear that if they didn't kill him, he'd kill them, and byan sure as hell wasn't going to let themself die at the hands of some random asshole on the street.

ㅤso they did it. they just started stabbing until they could pull themself free and get the hell out of there.

they'll never admit it, but the whole thing really fucked them up. after the initial fear and anger of the situation wore off and they were able to clean themself up, they couldn't stop thinking about it. the whole scene kept replaying in their head over and over, even when they wanted to stop thinking about it. they couldn't sleep that night. couldn't sleep properly for well over a month. uncharacteristically quiet and subdued for days, even weeks afterward, they never told anyone what happened. over and over they told themself they did what they had to, that the guy deserved it anyway, yet they never managed to truly feel okay about it, could never manage that same level of indifference they felt when they seriously injured people in fights.

they've come to accept it, to an extent, with time, but they still don't like to think about it. they'd love to be able to brag about it, to use the fact that they've killed someone for street cred and an extra layer of intimidation factor, but... they've never been able to feel okay with doing that. which is something they genuinely hate. it should make them feel stronger, yet they only feel weaker when they think back on it. so they try not to. they try to forget it ever happened and thus have still never told a soul about it. the glimpse they caught of his body over their shoulder as they fled, limp and bleeding on the ground, still haunts their dreams every now and then.

#been thinking about this for days tbh so i'm finally writing it down #tbh i used to hc they've actually never killed but liked to make it seem like they had #then i realized the trauma of the opposite was a little more interesting #anyway i now need them to admit it to someone one day #gonna need that painful scene in my life for sure #actually byan admitting to any of their trauma with someone they're close to would be huge #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ HEADCANON ⋮ DANGER IN THE FABRIC OF THIS THING I MADE. #death cw #assault cw #violence cw #uhhh lmk if i should any any other cw tags