#Wasurenagusa Okita Souji x MC

[syneilesis]

[fic] as one spring piles upon another

as one spring piles upon another

Shinsengumi Wasurenagusa | Okita Souji x MC!Reader | T | 859 words ao3 link

Okita Souji, and the letter that he will never answer.

A/N: I've always wanted to write for an obscure fandom, and here I am! If you're unfamiliar with Shinsengumi Wasurenagusa, basically it's a drama cd (or situation cd) series by Rejet revolving around Shinsengumi members. Each volume focuses on one character, whose story is intertwined with the main character -- you, the listener. It's a romance filled with angst and pain (Hiyokuroku, while lighter, does not escape the angst lol) and gets a little spicy at some points. Here is the TV Tropes page for the series.

This ficlet is set in Kekkonroku timeline, during Okita's health break. I mimicked the narrative format in that the character is talking to the MC, so it's a 1st person POV. Here is a fan translation of the volume for your reference. As for the audio itself ... YouTube took down Rejet's uploads, which is a shame. I think you can find bits and pieces in Soundcloud, but Hiyokuroku is the complete upload there.

CW: mentions of desire for death and allusion to non-con.

Dear Okita-san,

I hope you are better now than the last time I sent you a letter. I want to visit you but you never replied to any of my letters, so I thought you don’t want me to. That’s all right. Just thinking that you’re reading this letter is enough for me. Your health is the most important, after all.

Spring is ending soon, and the verdant leaves of summer are upon us. Weeks before, I watched the petals of the cherry blossom tree near the headquarters fall like a spiral dance, and it made me think of you. Do you still remember that night when we went to the festival, when we watched the fireworks together? You said that you wanted to become a strong and brilliant flower that keeps on blooming, but like fireworks yours may be fleeting, scattering in an instant. Cherry blossoms bloom and fall, quick and fleeting, but, Okita-san, you must remember that they bloom again the next spring. They bloom and fall, bloom and fall, again and again. And when you look at it that way, it seems as if they live continuously, don’t they?

I have faith that you’ll recover completely, Okita-san. You’ll return to Shinsengumi and to Kondo-san and Hijikata-san, like you’ve wanted. And by the time you come back, I’d have already mastered folding paper cranes and goldfishes!

So, please, take care. We’re all waiting for you.

Yours always,

Summer has arrived, and the mountains here are covered in vivid green. It is quiet, peaceful. The air is fresh, which is good for my body. The caretakers of this place are kind, and aside from them I rarely see other people. But that is fine.

I am well enough, considering. There are days when I feel like I can take up the sword again, but then there are days when I cannot even get up from my futon. During those days, my body is too exhausted from all the coughing and the blood. There are times when I wished it would all just end. What would be the point? I’m no longer useful to Kondo-san and Hijikata-san, to Shinsengumi. I failed as a captain. I failed them all.

I failed you.

But you wouldn’t stop hoping, would you? You keep sending me these letters that I have no plan on answering. You tell me things – inane, silly things that I wonder if you’re doing it to annoy me. You’ve annoyed me so many times throughout the years, and even now that we’re separated by so much distance, you still manage to find some way.

Yes, I remember the festival and the fireworks. I remember a lot more than that, you know. 

I remember the sweet taste of mizuame on your skin. I remember the glow of festival lights against your ruddy cheeks, your half-lidded eyes watching me as I licked your fingers, chasing the thick sweetness that dripped down your slender arm. I remember our kiss that night, you were so pliant and good to me, like my own little flower bud unfurling only for me. You were so embarrassed, but I know you were happy.

I did remember what I said – that I want to become a flower that always blooms. But I know now that it will never happen. Even if you tell me that cherry blossoms bloom and fall repeatedly over the course of their lives, it doesn’t change the fact that they fall. They bloom. And they fall.

It’s all right, though. Here, where it’s quiet, it feels as though everything is so far away, and nothing can touch me. In the back of my mind, I know that’s not true.

I still try. The hot springs here take away the pain in my body; it gives me relief. Even if I am still racked by severe coughs, eventually I’ll be healed … right?

During nights when the moon is visible, I sit on the veranda and watch. The moon is beautiful, and I imagine you at my side. Your face illuminated by moonlight. Your smile pretty as fireflies. I want to catch it with my hands. I can still feel the weight of your sighs when I laid with you that particular night, my remorse so unbearable that I decided, then, that I at least want to make you happy. That way, the wounds I left you that night would be bearable in your memory.

I don’t know if – when – I’d return. On easier days I wonder about you, if your cleaning skills have vastly improved. Do you still cry a lot? How many paper cranes and goldfishes have you folded? Are you still easily embarrassed by physical affection? Will you stay the same as I’ve known you? You write me letters, but there may come a time when you’ll stop.

Will you still love me, even after many seasons have passed?

My only wish is that I live long enough to return, even if just to get a glimpse of you. It won’t matter if I succumbed to my illness right after. It will be enough for me.

It will be enough for me.

‘The cherry blossoms Have already faded away,’ Simply that Cannot contain my grief, As one spring piles upon another. —Fujiwara no Teika

#fic #Shinsengumi Wasurenagusa #Wasurenagusa Okita Souji #Wasurenagusa Okita Souji x MC #Wasurenagusa Okita Souji x Reader #Wasurenagusa Okita x MC #Wasurenagusa Okita x Reader #before writing this i listened to kekkonroku again #and i remember why i rarely listen to wasurenagusa #all it gives me is pain #but it's a beautiful pain #but still my heart can't take too much pain lol #okita my wounded boy let me wrap you up in a blanket