☾ book recommendations: *✲⋆.
my all time favorites:
the brothers karamazov by fyodor dostoevsky
notes from underground by fyodor dostoevsky
the picture of dorian gray by oscar wilde
frankenstein by mary shelly
the plague by albert camus
we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson
others that i'd recommend:
break the body, haunt the bones by micah dean hicks
tomie by junji ito
uzumaki by junji ito
berserk by kento miura
the haunting of hill house by shirley jackson
i have no mouth, and i must scream by harlan ellison
the tell-tale heart by edgar allen poe
the cask of amontillado by edgar allen poe
rebecca by daphne du maurier
wuthering heights by emily brontë
dune by frank herbert
a shadow over innsmouth by h. p. lovecraft
the color out of space by h. p. lovecraft
the dunwich horror by h. p. lovecraft
crime and punishment by fyodor dostoevsky
demons by fyodor dostoevsky
the idiot by fyodor dostoevsky
jane eyre by charlotte brontë
animal farm by george orwell
do androids dream of electric sheep? by philip k. dick
a long fatal love chase by louisa may alcott
the stranger by albert camus
the metamorphosis by franz kafka
the trial by franz kafka
dragonwyck by anya seton
discipline and punish by michel foucalt
the castle of otranto by horace walpole
faust by johann wolfgang von goethe
the fall by albert camus
the myth of sisyphus by albert camus
the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde by robert louis stevenson
blood meridian by cormac mccarthy (do look into the content warnings though, there's heavy violence/depictions of 1840s-1850s racism)
the death of ivan ilyich by leo tolstoy
the dead by james joyce
the overcoat by nikolai gogol
dead souls by nikolai gogol
hiroshima by john hersey
useful fictions: evolution, anxiety, and the origins of literature by michael austin
no exit by jean paule satre
candide by voltaire
white nights by fyodor dostoevsky
notes from a dead house by fyodor dostoevsky
the shock doctrine by naomi klein
the 100 year war on palestine by rashid khalidi
blackshirts & reds by michael parenti
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They Both Just Gotta Be Dicks - a Malevolent fic
WARNING: Intermezzo spoilers
Not much surprises Kayne anymore.
A melting Arthur manages.
AO3
-------------------
This is try number six hundred and forty-eight. Or maybe forty-nine? Sure, forty-eight, and who cares, because I am absolutely sure it does not matter at all.
Who would even bother counting? What would be the point?
There isn’t a point, and that is the fucking point.
Yeah, yeah, you two, get your morning started; share the coffee, drop the sugar (seen this eighteen thousand fucking times and how’s that for counting), and here comes the mail courier!
This part always goes fun. Sometimes Parker dies right away; sometimes there’s a Battle For Supremacy! in which proto-John wins every time and then Parker dies. Sometimes Arthur gets killed in the process, and proto-John gets a maximum of sixty-eight seconds (I did count that) of life outside the Dark World before oopsie-whoopsie can’t kill your host and he goes screaming back. Sometimes—
A man comes out of the shadows (did I see that right?) wearing an absolutely filthy anachronistic hoodie and jeans for a guy twice his size, fucking cold-cocks the mail courier over the head, dumps his bag (yes, I’m just standing here staring, and who wouldn’t), finds proto-John’s book (The fuck! Proto-John’s book!), and then steps back into the shadows and is gone.
Well, I…
I can’t help laughing, screaming it, because what the actual hell was that? I’ve done this five million and eighty-nine times and I have never seen that before!
The door opens, and the detective besties are fussing over the mail courier, but they no longer matter because the book is gone. Arthur’s just not as effective without his little friend.
Silly weird filthy criminal. Did you really think you could slip through shadows and I couldn’t follow?
#
So he’s pretty good with portals! Nice! Took us all the way to the woods outside Innsmouth (fucking nasty place), and breathing like he’s fucking dying, he goes loping through the woods, unconcerned about shoggoths or any other dreadful thing, clutching that book like it’s everything he’s ever wanted, tripping over his boots, which are also too fucking big, and I just gotta know.
I gotta know… and I don’t! Do you know how rare that is?
He’s done something to himself, this gasping-shambling-winner-of a human, and I can’t see his thoughts. Ooh, ooh, ooh, I’m excited enough not to just explode him and take the fucking book back.
He stops. Drops to his knees. Holds the book out. Is clearly about to open the fucker.
Nope, sorry, proto-John spoken for. “Yyyyyyallo.”
He doesn’t jump. Goes real still. “I knew you’d be here,” says Arthur Lester who sounds like somebody put him through a meat grinder and then stuffed him into sausage casing and then smoked him halfway and then popped him in a microwave without poking holes so he blew up in there and then scraped him out and squished him back together in the shape of a man.
Gotta admit, I didn’t see all this coming! “That’s a neat trick,” I say, walking around to the front. “How’d you know?”
That sure is Arthur Lester looking up at me, though he’s missing teeth, and you could just slice meat on those cheekbones. “Because that’s how lucky I am.”
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. “You must be lucky, Artie, because I don’t know you! How about that? Looks like somebody sure put you through the wringer, though!” Closer, kneeling down, making eye-contact.
His eyes are that funky color of repeated and unaddressed subconjunctival hemorrhage. He’s just breathing like a bull, clutching that book, looking like he wants to bite me.
“You can see!” I tsk. “That just isn’t fair, is it? We should fix that.”
And he says, “I know where your fucking black stone is, you fucking monster,” and just like that, it stops being funny.
I may not know him (conundrum!) but he does know me, and as the smile slides off my face, he starts to shake, so he doesknow me well enough to know he’s in trouble.
“Do you?” I say, high and light and kind of tight. “Do you? Do you? Because that’s important information, Artie, that I would like to have right now! You wouldn’t go claiming something like that if it wasn’t true, would you? Where is it? On you? Did you swallow it, Artie? Am I gonna have to go digging for gold?”
And he says something else he shouldn’t know at all! “It’s on Earth one-two-four-nine aspect B8, you filthy dickhole.”
Yeah, sooooo… this just got weird? “How’d you know that, Artie?” I say, calm, soft, soothing. “That’s not a designation you ought to know.”
“Because you told me, or part of you. The one you fucking killed,” he snarls, spitting, and his hood slips back.
Oh, that ain’t right. Most of his hair is gone. He looks kinda cancerous, definitely grody, really not socially reassuring. I can’t read his mind, but I can peek at other things, and boy-howdy. “Hey, you’re gonna die, Artie!” I say with great cheer.
“I know.” He clutches the book. “It’s okay now.”
“No, I don’t really think it is, Artie, in fact, I’m getting the idea you don’t really understand the stakes here—”
“I know you promised him to me if I got your fucking stone!” Arthur just screams at me, and there’s blood with bile in it flying out of his throat and that just tastes deeee-lightful. “I got it! I had it! You were supposed to give him back!”
Oh. I tap my chin.
Behind us, a couple of roaming shoggoths spot us, feel me, and run yipping away into the woods. Yeah, yeah.
“I get it,” I say. “You were dealing with another me. Well, good news! I killed them all.”
“I know!” He screams it, and his voice cracks, and he is sobbing all over the book and himself and there’s blood and snot everywhere.
“You’re so juicy,” I tell him.
“You killed him before he could do it,” Arthur says in that tiny voice he gets when he’s all they won and I can’t and all that weakling bullshit.
“So… you actually got the black stone?” I say. “Without John.”
“No. With him.” Such a brittle tone! But at least that detail is consistent. “Then we weren’t going to give it to him. He was going to wake the Dreamer.”
Pfft. Well, I know which one of me that was, and good riddance. “That old chestnut?”
“We weren’t going to do it, and he took John, and… and I…”
“Were you gonna trade, Artie?” I all but sing at him. “Trade John for waking the Dreamer and ending everything including John?”
“No,” he says, spraying more blood. “We were going to trick him. But then you ki… you… you showed up and you… you…”
“I killed him!” I remember that one. Suicidal version of me? No, thanks. “I ch-ch-chopped him to bits, and then I stewed the bits, and then I ground him into meat and I ate the whole thing!” And I laugh.
He doesn’t laugh. Artie never does have a good sense of humor.
“Just let me have this,” he suddenly says. “You don’t know what I’ve done to get him. Let me have him, and I’ll tell you where the fucking stone is.”
“Or I could just torture you for it,” I say with a shrug.
“Go the fuck ahead. There’s nothing you could use anymore, and if you do, you won’t know the trick we did. You’ll lose. Even if you get your stone, you’ll lose, because it won’t be the whole fucking thing.”
I laugh again because eh? “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I open this book. I take John into myself. You get what you need.”
“Or I just take the book, and take what I need, and we’re done!”
His laugh is just crazy, grating, crackling delicious, and I lock it away in my head for future use. “You can’t.”
That’s fucking insulting, so I reach to pluck out his defiant little eyeballs.
I…
I missed?
I stare at my hand, outstretched, and at him. “Huh?” I say, as one does.
“You can’t,” he says. “The trade. I get John.”
“Not your John. Not even a John yet,” I point out.
“He will be. I’ll tell him who he is. It’ll be fine. It’s going to be fine.” He’s rocking back and forth now. “All of it will be fine.”
Wow. “You’re a special kind of crazy, ain’tcha?” I try again. I… miss again? I have no idea how that’s happening. I could just cook his cells and do it that way, but I’m so curious! “Okay, this is pretty neat, and all,” I say. “But that book is due elsewhere right now? I mean, we’re already off schedule, and also, my guy, you’ve missed an obvious out. I can just take you with me and make you show me the stone.”
That laugh, Artie, wow! “No, you can’t,” he says all wetly. “Because if I cross another world-boundary, or even step through time at any pace other than normal, I will fucking die.”
I whip out some pince-nez (like you do) and pop them on to try to see him clearly.
Still can’t see his thoughts. Can see a whole lot else. He was not lying. “Oh, Artie, what’d you do to yourself?” I say, already laughing, because this guy is worn so fucking thin that I think rain would tear him apart.
“I hunted,” he says. “I found a way. And I found my way here.”
“You know, most humans who get into magic of this kind do not generally suffer organ jello-ification? Seriously, what’d you do?”
“I only needed to get here,” he says, and his voice is soft, and he strokes the book cover, and wow, Artie, wow.
“Buddy. Pal. You’re that frail, you can’t take him inside you.”
“I know.”
“I mean he’s gonna kill you. At once. Not even on purpose.”
“I know.”
“You’re gonna pop like a cheap condom.”
“I know.” (He would.) “And if you let me, you’ll get what you need.”
“How in fuck will that get me what I—” And all at once, I get it. My laugh is almost as crazy as his. “What’d you do, Artie?”
“I put it here,” he says, pointing to the most egregious bald-spot, the most cancer-looking area. “Yes. I did. You can’t touch me… and you need this piece. If you don’t get it, your stone won’t work for whatever the fuck you’re trying to use it for.”
And it’s so daring and so wild and so stupid? Not like I can’t kill just him and find it in the corpse? “Grammatically heinous, my boy!” I say, affecting a Brigadier General for a moment. “Seriously, though, you shoved part of my stone into your skull?”
“I do this. I tell you where. You let me have this.”
“This… proto-John.”
“He’s in there.” He curls over the book. “And I’ll make sure he knows… he knows everything.”
“He’ll die with you.”
“With.”
Oh, Artie, Artie, Artie. “You know that doesn’t work? He wouldn’t be tied to you after death.”
“I know. I made sure he would,” he snarls like some snarly thing, and that’s when I decide to let him do it.
He’s tried so hard, and he’s got information I want, and just look at him! Obsessed! Gross! Melting! How in fuck will proto-John even respond to this? Oh, I missed you so much that I fucking killed us both and bound us somehow in the Dark World? Yeah, that’ll go over great.
He’s still trying to sell me.
“Let me. You’ll get what you want.”
Oh, fuck, this is gonna be a ride. “He’s not gonna thank you.”
“I don’t care.”
“You know what? You’ve surprised me, Artie. That’s worth a cup of coffee. Go ahead. Steal your John, then trap him after death. I’ll take the li’l stone-bit when you’re gone, and all will be right with the world.”
And he tells me where it is. What year, exactly. What landmass. Even what region. He can’t get closer than that, but that’s okay. That’s okay.
It’s one of many places those three idiots found. I would’ve gotten there eventually, I tell myself, but let’s be real here: Artie just saved me a whole bunch of pointless Arthur-wasting. I know where to send the good ones now. You know. The ones that don’t get flushed.
He’s not even aware I’m here anymore, I think. Cradling that damn book. Does he even remember he had a daughter? I fucking’ swear, this guy… “Hope Faroe likes your new add-on.”
He doesn’t answer me. Wow, Artie. Wow.
He opens the book.
I’ve seen this a thousand times. That blast of power, that wildness of desperate fire, that light reaching for him like a drowning man for a swimming one and pulling them both under.
He chokes. His eyes go from bloodshot blue to bloodshot gold. “John,” he sobs.
Then he pops like a ripe cherry. Good spread, too! Those bone-bits ain’t never coming out of those trees.
Honestly surprised he lasted that long, given the mess he was. How in fuck did he even get that way? It must have taken years. “Oh, oh, I’ve got chills. Years of looking for John? Of ensuring you’d go to the Dark World together? Ahahaha! Ridiculous! Only you, Artie, only you… oh, yeah, you’re dead, you can’t hear me.” I rummage around in the mess.
Know what’s annoying? I can’t see the sliver.
Fuck.
#
It takes me a month to gather all the goo (thanks a ton, Artie), trick someone into touching the gray stone, and then getting them to tell me where the sliver is, and then I can finally fucking touch it.
Sort of.
Gather it, we’ll say.
Fuck. It’s not that small. Things would definitely not have gone right if this were missing. I don’t even know how I’m going to repair the damned thing, but at least I have the sliver.
Thanks. A lot. Artie.
At least I know where to go.
Gotta go find me a new Arthur. This one is no longer interesting. Without a John—proto or not—it won’t fucking work, as I’ve learned through trial and tribulation, though not my own.
I could just kill this now-pointless-Arthur, but eh… I don’t care anymore. His lucky day.
Before I go alternate-Artie-hunting, though, I just have to go take a peek into the land of the dead.
Well, well, well… whaddaya know. It worked. They’re together.
And shouting at each other. Wow, that is some conflict! Figures that even when dead, even after all Arthur did to pull this off, they both just gotta be dicks.
Music to my ears.
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