#The Dizznees would be Irish | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

squishmallow36 · 2 years

Text

An Piorra Sásta

Word count: 4.1k

TW: food

Notes: I know Shannon addressed this in canon but I disagree and I strongly believe that Amy would use both Amy and Natalie so she can feel connected to the person she used to be before Sophie was erased and the person she became afterward. Also there's a healthy cooking youtube channel that directly inspired the Dizznee Triplets' channel in this fic and then I just translated the name to Irish because then it's different.

Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed! You signed up for the long fic so you get to see this one too): @stellar-lune @ichor-on-my-hands @kamikothe1and0lny @nyxpixels @snowflakewolves @poppinspop @crystallinewalker @uni-seahorse-572 @tiergan-andrin-alenefar @books-over-boys @florida-llama-46 @when-wax-wings-melt @k00laidcrush @bowlcut-boyfriends @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizznee @jamesdeangf

On Ao3 or below the cut!

Amy snuggles her head deeper into the crook of Bex’s neck as though cuddling on the couch, TV softly playing an episode of Somebody Feed Phil they’ve both seen a thousand times, isn’t enough physical contact already.

“Who are you texting?” Natalie asks her girlfriend, watching her type in a fancy script that looks almost like Thai if you aren’t familiar with the Lost Cities’ runes.

“My horrible siblings,” Bex answers.

“Who started the memes this time?”

“It’s just an idea for another video. You know how it is.”

Amy plants a kiss on her cheek. “Do tell.”

Bex gestures to the TV. “Obviously I’m stealing that.”

Phil is eating seaweed tempura in Kinsale, Ireland, and the fact that Natalie knows where he is without having to check is a sign that she’s seen this episode a few too many times. Not like that’s gonna stop her.

“I didn’t think you were allowed to use a deep fryer.”

“Air fryers exist, sweetheart.”

“I didn’t know you had those in elflandia.”

“We don’t. I’m going to be borrowing ours if nobody’s come up with a better idea by tomorrow.”

“Borrowing or stealing?” Amy asks, already knowing the answer.

“I paid for it. I can’t steal what’s already mine.”

“Using the credit card I signed up for.”

“That’s only because I don’t have a human birth certificate. Or a social security number. That makes it a bit difficult to pay for things without drawing attention.”

“I know. I just wanted to hear you say it.” Natalie smiles.

“I hate you,” Bex says, smiling, and goes back to texting her siblings. Amy’s not sure which of the three are on that group chat, but it’s not important enough to ask. And Dex has probably blocked all of them anyway, so it probably isn’t xem.

“I hate you too,” Natalie replies automatically, watching the last five minutes of the episode, the absolute best part of the entire show. Other than maybe “that’s not chicken” in Mexico City. Not sure what it really was. Not sure she wants to know.

Amy’s phone buzzes with a text, and checks it, expecting to find one of her friends sending her some dumb thing they found on tumblr five minutes ago and apparently she didn’t check her DMs soon enough.

However, it’s not any of her friends. It’s her mother. She curses under her breath.

Bex makes an inquisitive sound.

“My parents have decided to drop in on us. Again.”

“How long do I have before I have to hide this time?” Bex sighs.

“Eh, you got like forty-five minutes plus any additional traffic.”

“So, considering California traffic, it’ll be like…three hours?”

Amy laughs. “You’re finally learning!”

“I’m not an idiot, you know.”

“Well, some days you’re clueless.”

To that, Bex says something in the Enlightened Language, and while Amy knows a little, she doesn’t know this exact translation. However, she does know her girlfriend well enough to get the jist.

Amy suggests, “You might want to text Lex and Rex and let them know you’ll be bothering them later today.”

“Actually, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking,” Bex says, an idea etched into her features.

“A dangerous pastime.”

“I know. But we’ve been living together for…how long?”

“What day is it?”

Bex has to check, answering, “April 30th.”

“And the second semester started in early January so,” Amy counts the months on her fingers, “it’s been four? Months? Ish?”

“Plus, your parents haven’t dropped in unannounced for several weeks because of spring break and all that fun.”

“Okay…” Amy says, already knowing where this is going.

“So maybe I don’t go into hiding this time.”

“I don’t know.” But what Natalie does know is that once Bex’s gotten an idea into her head, there’s no such thing as changing her mind.

“Hey, in the words of the one who started the whole queer elf movement, you’ve tolerated me this long. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Excuse me, perhaps you’ve forgotten, I was at fault for xem realizing that xe’s gay, so clearly I have a hand in starting the movement. And you do too. You egged Fitzy’s tunic. None of this would’ve happened without us. Xe brings this up at least once a week. It’s been eight years. Please give xem a new conversation starter.”

“I have tried.”

“Not nearly enough.”

Bex pauses, taking a breath. “So what do you say? About meeting your parents, I mean.”

Maybe it’s Bex asking nicely or maybe it’s her ever so slight smile that makes Amy’s heart start beating faster every time it shows itself, but Natalie concedes, “You know, it would be really on brand for us to throw this together. Why not?”

“Because then I won’t have a good reason to tell my parents ‘no’ the next time they want to meet you.”

“Shut up. You brought up the whole freaking idea.”

“That doesn’t prevent me from arguing.”

Amy kisses her, because that’s worth a shot. Also because bedhead Bex is adorable.

“I see what you’re doing,” Bex whispers.

“No, you don’t.”

“So you’re not doing this to make me shut up?”

“Nope. That’s just a natural byproduct.”

Bex doesn’t believe that for a second, but kisses her again anyway.

Natalie pulls away after not even close to long enough, saying, “Okay, I’ve got to go get the fastest shower I can manage. Don’t want my parents to think I’m a disheveled mess.”

“But that’s exactly what you are.”

“It’s all about appearances, honey.” Amy stands up, beginning to walk towards their bedroom. I mean there isn’t a built-in closet, so legally it’s not a bedroom, but it’s used as one. There’s a bed in a room.

“Do you have any pre-planned plans for dinner?” Bex asks, and Natalie swings back around.

She sighs. “Oh no. That’s your ‘I have an idea’ look.”

“Come on, it’s not too bad. On a scale of one to Squishmallow Adventures, it’s only like a three.”

“What’s your idea?” Amy asks dejectedly.

“Considering my YouTube channel, I think it’d be pretty pathetic if I didn’t make dinner for us,” answers Bex.

That’s…actually a good idea.

“I’m not cleaning up after you if you think you’re gonna strike that deal.”

“Fine.”

Natalie takes a moment to think. “That was my only counterargument. Just don’t make something weird.”

“If you don’t want weird, why do we bother living together?”

“You’re cute,” Amy says, turning back around. She takes the fastest shower in her lease’s history, throws on her favorite magenta jean jacket, and hair still damp, she ventures over to the small almost-kitchenette to see if she can help or annoy Bex with anything.

She finds Bex dicing a tomato, while something is boiling in a pot and something else is cooking in a saucepan on the only two burners that actually work.

Natalie slips her arms around her girlfriend’s waist, planting a kiss on her cheek, causing Bex to laugh.

“If you want all my fingers to stay attached, you’ll let me cut the tráta without distracting me.”

Amy smiles at Bex’s language slip. “The word is tomato.”

“That’s what I said,” Bex snaps.

You go on believing that. “How can your favorite sous chef help you today?”

“You are certainly more tolerable than Lex and Rex. Stir the noodles for me, will you?”

Bex’s Elvin accent doesn’t slip through too often, but when it does it sounds almost Irish. It’s difficult to hear considering that most of the time Natalie’s hiding from the kitchen to make sure nothing gets burned by her sheer presence.

Amy stirs the fettuccine noodles around, not losing her security deposit in the process.

“So, what are we making today?”

“Fettuccine Alfredo. I’m sure you could’ve guessed that from the sauce but I guess it could be fancy mac and cheese. Which, you know, it kind of is. Except it has no mac and no cheese. At least the sauce is usually cheese-based. This one isn’t but, you know. I’m not gonna tell you what’s in it because it’s one of your favorites and telling you would ruin all of that.”

“And the tomato?”

“Salad course, of course.”

“And why are you prepping the salad now? We still have a good fifteen minutes.”

“Because everything else is cooking and I still have to get dressed. Also, can you stir the sauce for me?”

Natalie does as asked.

“Plus, if I asked you to make the salad, you would chop off your fingers and then give everyone a mountain of croutons and call it good enough.”

“There might be some dressing on them…”

Bex sticks the salads, noticeably without croutons or dressing, the best parts of a salad, into the fridge, and asks, “Can I trust you to make the garlic bread if I go throw some clothes on?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” Amy answers, knowing full well that she shouldn’t be trusted.

“And don’t let the cauliflower in the oven burn. I’ll know if you throw it away.”

“I’m only agreeing to this because I love you.”

Bex smiles before running away, and Natalie is left trying to grow an extra arm between stirring the noodles, keeping the sauce from burning to the pan, buttering the garlic bread, and a beeping oven.

She takes the cauliflower out of the oven with a hot pad, and places it on the back burners so it doesn’t brand a pan-shaped divot in the laminate countertops.

She’s garlic powdering and parsleying the breads when Bex says, “Okay, I’m back,” and Amy feels more relief than she should to be supervised again.

“Cool.”

“Does my hair look terrible?” Bex asks.

Natalie turns around, fluffing the back a little bit. “Nah.”

“You wouldn’t be messing with it if it didn’t.”

“And you’re gonna keep messing with it so I don’t know why I even bother.”

“Me neither.” Amy brushes a loose strand of hair behind Bex’s ear. “You’re very pretty today, honey.”

Bex smiles before pulling away to stick the garlic bread in the oven.

Ungrateful jerk.

“I didn’t know how long or what temperature, so…” Natalie says.

Bex sighs. “You make me do all the work around here.”

“Well, it does take a lot of effort being this cute.”

“Yeah, you go on believing that,” Bex mutters, and Amy chooses to have not heard that.

After setting the timer, Bex notices that our time before we’re invaded is almost up, so she goes to clear and set the table, cursing about how Dex’s gadgets have somehow made their way into our apartment.

Meanwhile, Natalie wanders over to the door.

Bex takes this moment of calm before the storm, asking, “Wanna place bets on whether or not they hate my recipe?”

“Five bucks says they’ll love it. And you.” Amy laughs, mentally running the conversion from US dollars to lusters, and it becomes all too apparent that it’s nothing compared to the immense wealth every elf has.

Someone knocks on the door behind Natalie, dragging her out of her thoughts, and she sends a death glare to Bex, begging her to behave. She doubts it’s very effective.

Taking a breath, she opens the door and barely manages, smiling, “Hi Mom and Dad,” before getting pulled into a group hug.

Amy sees Bex wave awkwardly out of the corner of her eye, and it’s enough to get a little bit of breathing room.

“Who’s your friend?” Mom asks me, fully aware this is not a platonic relationship.

“This is Bex, and she’s my girlfriend,” Natalie answers, causing her poor girlfriend to get swarmed and absorbed into a hug midstride. “Sorry, not sorry.”

She glares at Amy, and she knows she’s gonna be hearing about this later. Bex is allowed to breathe again after like twenty seconds, just so Mom can ask, “So, how did you two meet?”

“Her brother is a friend of mine,” Amy replies with their pre-decided answer so they don’t get into the messiness of elves.

Bex still chooses to argue. “Yes, but xe still refused to give you my number so you came over and asked me out in person. Magnate Leto was so mad.”

“I’m convinced you thought I was losing my mind.”

“You say that like I don’t anymore.”

“Well, the feeling is mutual, so…” Natalie shrugs.

Bex escapes and finishes setting the table with silverware without threatening Amy further, to everyone’s, including her own, surprise.

She asks, “Can I have everyone’s preferred dressing for your salads? We have ranch, Italian, French, and maybe red wine vinegar in the back of the fridge somewhere but I make no promises.”

Natalie looks at her, nodding. “I think you know me well enough.” Amy has drunk ranch directly from the bottle before. And once, it wasn’t even on a dare.

Mom orders French while Dad orders Italian, and it’s barely a minute before Bex comes back with their salad plates.

Natalie watches her walk back and forth, praying she remembers not to phase through the little kitchen island. She and her parents sit down in the seats they were unintentionally assigned.

Mom takes the opportunity to ask, “So how long have you two been together?”

Amy and Bex make eye contact, trying to remember if that’s what they just calculated and proceeded to forget not even an hour ago. Natalie saves the both of them by saying, “We met near the end of last year. I don’t know how many months that is and I can’t count that high.”

Bex smiles. “Yeah, although she didn’t come and get my number until like August. I’m surprised she wasn’t able to annoy my brother enough for xem to give her my number, because xe was able to get rid of both of us at the same time.”

“I asked Soph and he said Dex regrets all of xor life decisions.”

“That better not include FedEx because some of us are emotionally invested.”

“Literally all of us are emotionally invested,” Natalie corrects. “But I will ask Soph because as the creator of the ship name I am the official president of the fan club.”

“Biana’s not going to be happy about that.”

“Biana can shut aer mouth. We had an agreement.”

“That doesn’t mean ae is happy about it.”

Amy turns to her parents. “I’m sorry. You have no idea who any of these people are.”

Bex takes the salad plates once Natalie’s finally done eating the mountain of croutons she was given, and drains and sauces the noodles back in the kitchen.

Amy explains, “Dex is Bex’s brother, and, yes, their names rhyme on purpose. Her other two siblings rhyme too. Her father thinks he’s hilarious, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. I haven’t been allowed to meet her parents yet. And then Soph is her cousin and the reason I was introduced to these people.”

Bex brings out the garlic breads, and Natalie tries to take one and only succeeds in burning herself.

Rude. I make you and then you betray me like this?

“And then Dex is dating Fitz,” Amy continues, “and we are all watching their relationship like it’s a reality TV show. And then Biana is Fitzy’s sistaer. Eventually you learn to keep track of them. I’m not sure when that will be but I’ve been told it’ll happen eventually.”

Bex brings out steaming plates of food, smiling and saying, “Amy always says her favorite dinner is your fettuccine alfredo, so I did my best.”

“Sit down and stop groveling. I’m sure it’s delicious and not just because I already taste tested it,” Natalie says, digging into her dinner.

“Amyy--”

“You can’t just enlist me as your sous chef and expect me not to eat your food.”

Bex can’t formulate a response. Or at least one that isn’t laced with expletives. So she sits down to try her own cooking.

Holy crap, this fettuccine alfredo is really freaking good.

“And just like that, two Dizznees are regretting their life decisions. Wonder if I can make it all four.”

“Well, the other two are straight and aroace so I’d like to see you try.”

“Challenge accepted,” Natalie says. “Also, Lex is liking aroace right now?”

“Yep. Although I’m not sure if it’ll last any longer than grayaro so don’t get too attached to it yet.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but this is very good, Bex,” Dad says, and Mom nods in agreement.

Amy looks at Bex.

“Oh, I know that look,” Mom says. “Someone just lost a bet.”

Bex slides Natalie five dollars she stores in her pocket because that’s kind of helpful in San Diego, undoubtedly with a mental monologue ranting about how this is a rigged system.

“My parents literally put a bet on whether or not my brother was gay,” she says bitterly.

Dad snort-laughs, and tries to cover it, unsuccessfully, with a cough.

Amy adds, “At least that’s what we’ve been told by Lex. Not sure if I trust them that much though.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s fair,” Bex justifies.

Natalie gets up to refill her glass of water--the fancy kind that gets taken out only for special occasions, which allows Mom to stare into Bex’s soul and ask, quietly, “How did you get her to willingly eat C-A-U-L-I-F-L-O-W-E-R?”

“I can spell, Mom,” Amy says as she comes back to the table.

Bex, however, laughs, answering, “It’s a daily struggle. Most of the time hiding the vegetables works best. Or bribery. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose.”

“I’m just saying, chocolate covered raisins count as fruit.”

“And they’re also coated in sugar.”

“Dark chocolate has health benefits. I don’t remember what they are but they definitely exist. I read it somewhere.”

“Don’t even start with that. You like the milk chocolate ones. Because you like to be difficult.”

“I beg to differ.”

Bex smirks. “Then beg.”

Natalie buries her head in her hands. “Why did I give you a tumblr account?”

“You and I both know I would’ve figured out how to make one even if you didn’t.”

“Exile, some days I hate modern technology.”

“And so does everyone else on that hellsite. What’s your point?”

“I…have completely forgotten. But speaking of modern technology, Bex here has a YouTube channel with half a million subs.”

“Wow. That was such a smooth transition,” Bex remarks sarcastically.

Amy ignores her. “And as the PR person she never asked for, it’s An Piorra Sásta and if you want more recipes like this one, you should subscribe.”

Bex is completely focused on her plate, blushing softly.

Both Mom and Dad aren’t sure how to respond to that either.

“She also has a website and a Facebook page,” Natalie adds.

Bex looks at her. “I knew about the website but Facebook? Since when.”

Amy’s phone is out under the table, setting the page up. “...Yep. As of five seconds ago…And I’m your first follower. Is that even what you call it? I should know, but I don’t.”

“You have my facebook password?”

“Uh, I set up your account. Also Google stored it for me.”

Bex smiles. “Now that makes more sense.”

The oven beeps again, and Bex whips around to see why. Amy can tell she’s wondering if she remembered to turn it off, and because the results are inconclusive, she stands up to go check.

Meanwhile, Natalie is laughing silently because her master plan is all coming together. And it didn’t get noticed when Bex opened the oven to put the garlic bread in or take it out.

Bex turns around, glaring at Amy with her hands on her hips.

“Well don’t let it burn,” Natalie says, making Bex sigh before taking it out and double check that there aren’t any more surprises in the oven.

“I’m gonna let this dump cake cool for a second so someone doesn’t burn herself on it.”

Dump cake is a family recipe, and it is the easiest recipe you’re gonna find. Step one, you find a can of apple pie filling and dump it in a relatively flat layer into this incredibly specific pan that broke Thanksgiving before last. We got a new one last Christmas from eBay so everything’s fine now. A 9” x 13” or 9” round pan will also work.

Then you take a box of cake mix, and open it, making sure to struggle with the kitchen scissors because you’re left-handed until you give up and just stab it with a knife. Then you’re gonna dump the cake mix on top of the apples and put some pats of butter on top because it wasn't unhealthy enough already.

This is when you realize you should’ve preheated your oven to 350F, and once it’s ready, you stick the pan in the oven. How long to cook it is anyone’s guess.

“There’s a reason it’s also known as done enough cake,” Amy says, and stands, bringing her empty pasta plate with her, up to get herself some. “And that reason is because I have no self-control and I need my dump cake.”

Bex doesn’t attempt to stop Natalie, because she knows from experience that if she does, there’s an increased chance of getting a fork in the eye.

She was bitten once by Amy while playing spoons, so there’s no guarantee. You would think she would be used to that after growing up with Lex and Rex, but apparently she has retained some instinct that says ‘getting bitten is not ideal’.

Natalie jams her plate into the dishwasher, and gets a little bowl from an upper cabinet, stuffing it with dangerously hot dump cake.

“If you overfill the bowl, you know there won’t be any left for breakfast tomorrow,” Bex warns, barely out of the danger zone.

“Unless I make more.”

“Do we even have that many apples?” Bex asks, concerned for Amy’s sanity.

“Not in the slightest,” Natalie answers, trying the littlest bit. She mostly succeeds in burning her mouth, but other than that, it’s really good.

Amy decides to be nice and get everyone else some instead of just squirreling all of it away.

When she tries to give some to Bex, though, Bex says, “Can you stick mine in the fridge for tomorrow?”

Natalie argues, “There is always room for dump cake.”

“I meant for you. Do you know how much sugar is in there?”

“Oh, come on, honey, you have to enjoy eating sometimes.”

“You and I both know that much sugar will not be good for me. I’ll be real hyper in like an hour. You can cite as many studies as you want, but I will not be able to sleep this decade if I just blindly trust you.”

“Fine then. More for me.” Amy becomes immediately protective of her newly acquired breakfast, storing it in the back of the fridge for safety purposes.

The rest of dinner passes without any disasters, which is to say it went wonderfully. At sunset, the attempts to leave begin, and it’s nearly an hour later before everyone is actually standing with a foot out the door.

“Bex, may I have a word?” Dad asks.

“Ooh, threatening Dad speech,” Natalie taunts.

Bex smiles, agreeing.

They step as far away as they can manage in this little 500 square foot apartment. They’re still very within earshot, but Amy and her Mom choose to pretend like they aren’t.

“She seems lovely,” Mom says.

Thank the stars. Why was I worried about approval in the first place?

“I know she takes a little getting used to.”

“I can tell you love her. Now. When can I expect your wedding invites?”

“Mom!”

“Kidding.” She scoops her daughter up into a hug. “Mostly.”

Dad sees he’s missing out, and makes this into a group hug, dragging a mildly unwilling Bex over in the process.

It’s a good minute before it unravels. After another two minutes of goodbyes, Mom and Dad leave, while Amy and Bex wave from the doorway.

Natalie’s parents turn down a hallway, and she closes the door. She makes eye contact with Bex, and they both let out a delirious laugh.

“Exile, how badly did that go?” Bex asks.

“My mother is countering down the days until she gets an invite to our wedding, so I’d say it went fairly well.”

“Oh stars, you and I both know mine would be too. And I’m sure Biana’s already planned it.”

“Yeah, we just have to agree to tolerate each other for the rest of our lives. Which, you know,” Natalie shrugs.

“‘Til death do us part’ says the human.”

“Hey just because you have that fancy infinite lifespan or whatever doesn’t mean I’ll be the first one to go.”

“Thanks.”

“I didn’t say it was a good outcome, just that it was one.”

“What are you, a Technopath?”

“As someone who did one drag and drop hour of code thingy five years ago, yes.”

Bex fakes a gasp. “Such qualifications.”

Amy smiles and pulls her into a kiss. “I love you.”

“Love you too, sweetheart.” Bex kisses her again. “Even if you do taste like dump cake.”

#i actually finished this in time #and I didn't have to release it on April like 32nd #Got two and a half hours before May #on my time zone at least #The title means 'the happy pear' but that sounded wrong #i didn't put much thought into it #but it's 'the happy pear' in irish bc Irish!Dizznees my belovaed #okay maybe I should start tagging this with coherent tags #kotlc #Amy Foster #kotlc amy april #amy april #Bex Dizznee #a couple other people are mentioned but not seen #exile this thing is so long

3 notes · View notes