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honeylikewords · 5 years

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Anon Asked: Ok so i’m curious: if you can, could you rank your favorite Oscar boys from least to most boyfriend material? they all seem very charming and sweet but i can’t figure out who the cream of the crop is!

First of all, THANK YOU, I L O V E making lists of my favorite things. You guys know that. Listicle formats are, like, my lifeblood. Thank you for enabling me.

Second, I’m going to rate these on MY personal scale. Now, I also should point out that “husband” and “boyfriend” mean two different things to me, and that I instinctively value “husband” material more than “boyfriend” material. The “husbands” are going to be the winners of this list, because I can see them having long-term, fulfilling, happy and mutually beneficial relationships with their partners. So, without further ado, here is my list, from LEASTboyfriend-able to MOST husband-able.

1. The Unmentionables Category.

These boys don’t even get to be part of the discussion because in their roles they are either misogynistic, evil, assaulters, or something else to prevent them from entering the race. A little villain apologism here and there is okay sometimes, but only to certain degrees, and these boys exceed it. Blue Jones, Nathan Bateman, En Sabah Nur/Apocalypse, and John, King of England all exceed my limitations. Begone, thots. You’re disqualified for the Boyfriend Campaign Race. (I do still like them as characters, though, or for Sexy Oscar Gifs, but they’re just… un-boyfriend-able!)

2. The Low Tier Boyfriends.

These boys are boyfriend-able, but come with some problems. Can we sort them out on here and make them into better boys on this blog with careful re-writes? Maybe! Are we doing that in this list? No! We’re just taking objective looks at these Oscar-boys as they stand. So, here are the low tier boyfriends.

Laurent LeClaire: He’s sexy, but he’s also, like, a murderer. And a bit of a playboy. Could we make him better on this blog? Absolutely! But, as before, we’re just looking at them as they are. So, sexy French boy or no, he’s a pretty low-ranking Oscar for the murders and the philandering.

John “Jack” Johnson: Kinda dirty, kinda rude, also a murderer, but nice to dogs and pretty darn intelligent. He’s sure somethin’. Only slightly higher on the list than Laurent simply because I liked him and he made me laugh, and he was good to a dog, so I suppose that’s a tick for him!

Bud Cooper: A bit of a sneaky boy! I like him a lot, but his trickery and sneakery place him lower on the list. Still, points for looking good in a weird mustache, and points for being clever!

3. The Middle Tier Boyfriends.

These boys are much more boyfriend-able, but still have baggage. Could you work around it? Hypothetically, sure! But we’re still just discussing canon behavior, so let’s rock and roll.

Llewyn Davis: Llewyn is shockingly low despite how much I like him, but he has a LOT of issues. Besides his inability to hold a stable job and the couch surfing, Llewyn struggles with attitude problems and relationship issues, apparently having to deal with the issue of terminated pregnancies with two women. We could certainly gloss over that for a more romanticized Llewyn on this blog, but I think it’s important to address that while he holds a place in my heart, he’s a difficult person and a little hard to love, maybe because he doesn’t know how to love others or himself yet. So, he’s higher on the list because at least he isn’t a criminal, but he’s low-ranker because of his life issues. Maybe if he sorted himself out more…

Basil Stitt: Basil’s got problems. I mean, just… a lot of problems. But I like him, and I like his scars, so I think we can work with him. Having a paranoid breakdown after sustaining an injury isn’t the worst thing that a person could do, right? We’ve all been there; scared, alone, afraid. I think, with time, Basil could really make steps in the right direction and be quite a cute boyfriend.

Shiv: Shiv’s a sweetheart. He’s doing his best in a world not inclined to allow him the freedom to do so. Sure, he’s a criminal, but he has a heart of gold and wants to make his son happy. He wants to do better. He’s kind, if misled, and a little dumb, but, hey, morosexuals stand up, ya know? He’s a cutie, even though he’s involved in some shady business. With a cleanup and a fresh start somewhere else, who knows? Maybe he could be a much better boy and end up in the husband range!

4. The High Tier Boyfriends.

Oh, now, these are some boys. These are some cute boys. Oof. Yeah. Let’s see these boys!

Rydal Keener: Poet, dancer, thinker, and sometime scam-artist, Rydal is a Grecian romance just waiting to happen. He’s not perfect, but he’s passionate, he’s sweet, and he’s doing his level best to try and get himself out of a sticky situation. He’s young; let’s find him some young love!

Standard Gabriel: Oh, Standard, how my heart beats for thee. I love Standard, and the only reason he’s lower on the list is because he’s got a lot going on in his life that makes it hard for him. Cheating wife, creepy people following him around, prison sentence sitting on his shoulders from the past; things are hard for our baby. But he’s resilient, he’s loving, and he’s loyal. And if given a new chance in a new place, I fully believe that Standard would be a great boyfriend, and, someday, a great husband.

Reeves: Sentimental, sweet, and a sumptuous songwriter, Reeves rings of a great boyfriend. He’s soft and tender, but firm when necessary, funny, relaxed, and witty. This guy has it all, and when he finds love, he hangs on tight. Ten plus years, tight, apparently; he’s still chasing the girl he had a crush on in high school! How sweet is he?! A beautiful boyfriend, no doubt.

5. Husband Tier.

These boys are the peak performance. These boys bring it. These boys aren’t just boyfriends, they’re partners, fiancés, and, one day, husbands. These are not just boys… they’re Men.

Kane: Loyal husband and dutiful soldier, Kane’s endured a lot, but still did his best to come home to his wife, even if it wasn’t “him”. Kane deserves to be a husband with a woman who will love and appreciate him as he loves and appreciates her (which I assert is NOT Lena. Lena did NOT appreciate that man). The only reason he’s lower on this list is because of the unfortunate nature of his storyline, and because he’s part-alien now. Actually, that last one isn’t that bad. He’s a cute alien. We stan.

Santiago Garcia: This man has been through so much, and I want him to be happy. He’s kind, great with kids, funny, generous, protective, and strong. I would rant and rave about him, but then this post would be a mile long. I love you, Santi. Brave boy. Husband.

Orestes: Orestes was in love with the same woman since he was a young man and advocated for her freedom and equal status in society, trusting her as his sole counsel consistently through his years as a public servant. The dude took a stone to the head for defending her. He went on stage to declare his love and play her a beautiful two-flute solo, for God’s sake! This man is husband material.

Mikael Boghosian: Actual angel. Has endured the depths of hell. Deserves all the love in the universe. My words are not enough for his goodness. Please, someone, fill this man’s life with joy and light. I am begging. This is a husband.

Abel Morales: I would fucking die for Abel Morales but he’s so good a man that he would never let me. My love for him is as boundless as the stars and twice as bright. May God’s light shine forever on his perfectly coiffed hair. Holy angel of the heating oil industry.

Miguel O’Hara: SPIDER-MAN, SPIDER-MAN, DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN! FILLS MY HEART, UP WITH LOVE, AT OUR WEDDING RELEASE SOME DOVES! LOOK OUT, I LOVE YOU, SPIDER-MAN! But in all seriousness, the guy’s great. A goober, yes, but nevertheless, his fangs have pierced my heart and I am paralyzed with love for him and also venom.

Poe Dameron: I betcha all knew he’d be at the top of this list. I betcha knew. He’s… Poe Dameron, you know? What can I say that hasn’t already been said? We know he’s wonderful. He just is. He carries his mother’s ring, searching for his future spouse. This man is a husband. I love him. I will not change my mind.

6. Honorable Mention Husband.

Peter Malkin: Since Peter Malkin is based on a real person, I feel hesitant to talk about him. However, since the movie was juuuuust enough divorced from reality and his character changed juuuuustenough to call it fictionalized, I’ll include him. I love Peter Malkin. He’s a good good Jewish boy who visits his Mama for Shabbat and wears his kippah and that man is a primo husband. N*zi hunter, loving son, honorable soldier. We have chosen to stan forever. And wed, when the time is right. Mazel tov!

There are some other boys who didn’t make the list simply because I didn’t wanna go too overboard and make a too overwhelming post, but here’s my general take on the order from least to most boyfriend-able, and then husband-able. This list also shifts around depending on my mood, and the order in which some of the husbands are categorized can change from day to day. I love them all! I will not be silenced!

I hope that helps, and if anyone is curious about where a non-mentioned boy falls on the scale, lemme know and I’ll either add him or explain his spot in a separate post!

#let's hope this posts clear and clean jeeeeeeeeeeezus #non fic #messages #reference #multi

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