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limesub04-blog · 7 years

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I only have words left

Always awkward, scared to death of everyone and just wanting to crawl out of my skin in every social situation. I started smoking pot and dating my classmate’s older brother in 8th grade. I was forbidden to see my tattooed, pierced man with whom I shared a love of sublime, red hot chili peppers, Ramones, counting crows, cake, bush and on and on. When I refused to give him up, i ran away from Tulsa ok to Denver co. With him. I was found and shackled and awaited my father and his punishment. I was sent away…..to the wilderness (sagewalk). I was hiking every day with a 75lb pack for 86 days in the mountains just outside of bend Oregon. I was 16. On the blindfolded 2 hour drive into the mountains I was asked if there was anything I wanted to hear before I began my trek. I said swiftly, SUBLIME! They laughed and told me I was too young to listen to that, but did play Santeria for me, although I would rather have heard steppin razor. After those crazy ass three months wherein I spent my 17 bday, my father sent me to an all girls boarding school. A cruel joke, as I didn’t get along with girls very well. I’ve had 3 friends who are girls in my life. Anyway, I was sent away for a total of nine months. A residential treatment facility from which I ran away jumped on a train and ended up in a holding cell, another wilderness program (ascent) and the fore mentioned places. When I got back to Tulsa, I was pregnant by my love within three months. We must have bought 50 pregnancy tests. So I had my son and made a go of a family with this guy. It didn’t work out for reasons I’m sure he would appreciate me omitting. When my son was about 5 or so I was hit by a car while walking, resulting in 4 back surgeries, one every year for 4 years. I got hooked on the oxy, started shooting then graduated to heroine. After several years of addict life my son was taken from me. I went to rehab, walked out the door and hitchhiked home (a two hour ride) with these guys I promised a hundred bucks to but upon arrival, ditched and met up with my dealer for a front. Two days later, my cousin offered to take me back to rehab, so we loaded up and smoked kind all the way and I completed the 60 day program. I came home and relapsed within 48 hours. A bit later, I tried again at another facility with success. Id like to be able to say I haven’t done anything since then, but it’s not so. My father has a lot of money and clout and still has guardianship of my son. I’m working toward getting it terminated, have been for 6 years now. I finally started moving forward, having attained a CNA certification and trying to get all the pieces to fit together all at the same time….all while being bipolar with a panic disorder. So that’s the synopsis. Now that I have settled down somewhat, I’ve had a little time here and there to discover current music that maybe I don’t hate. I didn’t dislike AAR but didn’t have an affinity for you either. Now, I’m jammin to something made after 1996. I’ve also discovered Law. I feel like such a fuck stick bc Bradley Nowell’s son Jakob has been putting music out there sounding SO much like his dad and I’m just now hearing it!!!! I’ve been admittedly disappointed with Long Beach dub allstars, short bus and sublime with Rome, but now, Jakob…. sublime lives on!!!!!! The artwork I used to do paintings and charcoal I gave away. Several to friends, a couple Dali replicas to teachers in boarding school, so I don’t have any of that to share and journals and poetry are abundant and difficult to sift through. In summation, I guess I’m trying to say, I haven’t had the time I’ve needed to find and love music beyond my 70’s to 90’s interest, and now that I do, I really appreciate your very obvious deep appreciation for music and incredible talent. Thank you for sharing it with the world. Oh ya, I may just be over analyzing as I do but it seems almost all of your songs seem to have two meanings, or some songs, anyway, you get one message from it when really it’s something so different. Like dirty little secret for example. Most would probably assume it’s about a dude keeping a girl a “dirty little secret” while really its about not being made to feel as though you can’t have things to yourself good bad or indifferent. Just my interpretation though. As I struggle to stay clean, work, get my 12 year old back full time and save for a home, I have a new band to carry me on my way thanks to you guys. I know you’ve been around for a while now so I’m sorry to you I’ve not been listening all this time, but honestly more sorry that I haven’t had you all this time. Music gets me through. It’s the only thing that can light my soul up and fill my whole body with euphoria (beside the things I can no longer do 😜). I know I didn’t submit my artwork, poetry, photos or other media, words are what I have.

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