#RIP everytime i see sun of my life i scream a lil

[mama-montgomery]

Don’t Wanna Be Your Girl No More

Word Count: 2265

Warnings: ANGST, a lil fluff

Summary: Maybe Dacre’s just too perfect?

AN: Listen to Don’t Wanna Be Your Girl No More by Wet while you read this, like have it on loop.

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Atelophobia:

(Noun) A fear of imperfections; the fear of not being good enough

Origins: Greek, atelos ‘imperfect’

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It’s just not right, its

       I can’t explain why I’ve been feeling this way. I don’t even know what brought this sudden epiphany but I can’t keep ignoring it. Every time I see you, it just nags at the back of my mind. Every time you smile at me my heart breaks a little more. Its like small cracks in fine China. How I managed to hold it together this long, I’ll never know. The guilt leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I can’t remember the last time I tasted the sweetness of your lips.

       Everyday you wake up and run your fingers through my hair. You whisper sweet nothings in my ear until I wake up. You smile at me and your eyes shine brighter than the sun through our window curtains.

       Every day you go to work but you never leave without telling me how much you’d rather stay home with me. You kiss my forehead and hold me in your arms before you reluctantly pull your arms away. Our elderly neighbor says she hasn’t seen a boy that head-over-heels in love since she met her husband.

       Every night you lay with me in bed and we talk about our day. You lay your head on my chest and draw little circles on my hips while I play with your hair. I still don’t know if you like listening to my voice or the sound of my heartbeat. Eventually, you fall asleep and I stay awake, staring at your face. I always get so lost in the peacefulness of your face. Every time, I stroke your cheek and every time you smile in your sleep. I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve shed at that scene alone. I can’t tell you how many silent tears I’ve wiped away while you slept peacefully on my chest. You thought you were listening to my heart beating when really it was the sound of my heart shattering over and over again.

I don't wanna be your girl no more, no more I just wanna see your face at home, home, home

       I remember when we first started dating. In the beginning, it was so surreal. I remember wondering if this was all a dream and if so, I never wanted to wake up. I used to think about our future together. I already planned out our wedding and picked out possible names for our kids. Our wedding was going to be fairytale themed because you said I was your princess, “far more beautiful than Cinderella.” I always prayed we’d have a daughter so we could name her after our mums and our son, Kayd, after you. I even pictured our first house together. I already knew how you’d design the furniture and couldn’t wait for all our trips to IKEA.

       That dream is still here but it's now become a nightmare that I can’t seem to wake up from. It's like I’m in sleep paralysis and you can’t hear me screaming. I’m clawing at myself from the inside, begging you to wake me up and you don’t even notice. Maybe you were just as stuck as I was.

You can't do me right So I... decide that

       We can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep going on every day knowing I’m not good enough for you, knowing I’ll never be good enough for you. You deserve the world and so much more. I can’t give you the world, the moon or the stars. I can’t even give you the street I live on. I can’t keep living in fear of the day you’ll wake up and realize everything I’ve realized. I can’t keep waiting for the day you’ll wake up and see me the way I see me. My heart can’t take the idea of you slowly pulling away. It can’t take the idea of you realizing you don’t love me the way you thought you did. I had a dream you met someone better, someone good enough for you. She was gorgeous with bright colored eyes and model long legs. She had a perfectly flat stomach and curves like waves. She had cotton soft hair and a pearly white smile to die for. She wasn’t me. 

I don't wanna be your girl no more, no more I just wanna see you up and out, out of the door, no

       I’ve felt like this for awhile now but I just can’t seem to leave. I just can’t be the reason you’re all alone and crying. I just can’t be the reason you no longer smile when you wake up in the morning and my side of the bed is empty. I wish there was a way I could leave and take all the pain with me. I don’t care how much pain it gives me, so long as you never have to shed a tear. But I never get what I want. So I watch you leave for work every day and hope. I secretly hope you get up and walk out the door on your own. I’d rather watch you leave a million times than have to listen to you yell my name as I walk down the driveway and out of your life. 

I'm not living right So I... decide that

       The guilt is eating me alive. Everytime you smile at me, it's another dagger to my heart. I’m not worthy of your sweet sentiments. Every time you hold my hand in yours, it burns my skin. I don’t deserve your tender touch. Every time you hold me in your arms, my lungs ache and I can’t breathe. I’m not good enough for your ethereal embrace. Every time you say you love me... I don't wanna be your girl no more, no more        Don’t waste your time looking for me. I’ll be long gone before you even read this letter. I made my mom promise not to tell you where I’ve gone. Just move on and for my sake, fall in love.

-Y/N.

I won't hide the ways, I've tried It's just not right It's killing me tonight So, so

       Dacre collapsed on his knees, sobs violently raking through his body. He pulled at his hair and yelled. He had gotten home to an empty dark house. You’d normally let him know before you went out so he was immediately alarmed. He walked around the house expecting the worst but nothing could prepare him for the piece of paper on your shared bed. Suddenly remembering you weren’t home, he looked around and realized all your stuff was gone. He ran around the house, it looked as if you hadn’t even existed. He rushed to grab his keys stopping when he saw pictures on the table. One of the pictures was on old polaroid ripped in half. He remembered it was your favorite picture of you two. You didn’t really care too much about how you looked in it but he remembers how cute you thought he was in his beanie. It became his favorite beanie afterward.

     Dacre was in his car speeding through the streets. He had checked your old apartment but you weren’t there. He tried the park you used to love and again, you weren’t there. His thoughts were running a mile a minute. He tried to think of all the places you could’ve gone and if you were all right. Tears blurred his vision and as if that wasn’t enough, it began to rain violently. Dacre suddenly remembered the motel not too far from town the two of you had seen on your way home from one of your many road trips. He remembered you saying it was “cute” and that you guys should stay there on your next road trip. Not bothering to check the roads, Dacre made an immediate u-turn his car sliding on the slick roads.

      You had just gotten off the phone with another one of your friends who had called to check on you. After you told your mom you had left home for a bit, she became worried and asked them to make sure you were alright. You huffed before falling backward onto the bed. The room was exceptionally clean for a motel. You noted all the little details around the room that added to the vintage theme of the motel before you realized you were simply trying to distract yourself from thinking about Dacre. He had to be home by now. Had he read the letter? Did he even notice you were gone? No calls or texts. Did he even care? Maybe he secretly wanted to break up and was happy you were gone. Is he happy now? You were torn from your thoughts when someone began to bang on your door. You had already called your friends to tell them you were fine so who else could possibly know you were here? You don’t remember telling Dacre about the motel so it couldn’t possibly be him. Hesitantly, you got off the bed and headed for the door before opening it.

       The moment Dacre saw you through the slightly open door he rushed in, trapping you in his arms. He didn’t even wait for you to open the door all the way or bother to close it once inside. He could feel your body stiff in his arms, you hadn’t even tried to hug him back but he didn’t care. “What the hell is going on? What are you doing? Why would you leave?” Dacre pressed his face into your hair as he spoke his voice cracking. You stayed still for a moment before pushing him away staring at him with wide eyes, “I left you a letter-” “Yeah, I read your fucking letter, y/n. How could you possibly think that? That what? That you’re not good enough for me? That you don’t deserve me? Y/n, I don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you right now, but I am! You think I could do better? Y/n, unless the heavens opened up right now and a literal fucking angel came down, I could never do better than you! You’re all I ever wanted, no fuck that, you’re more than I could’ve ever imagined! You’re more than I ever even knew I needed! The sight of our apartment without you almost fucking killed me and you think it's best if you weren’t in my life? I know what’s best for me and that’s you and that’s why I’m here.” Dacre paused, his breath heavy from raising his voice. Tears streamed down his red face but he didn’t bother wiping them away. They were the least of his worries. You blinked away your tears away, taking a deep breath as his words finally hit you. Dacre had never raised his voice at you before. “Dacre, I can never give you what you deserve! I can never be that model chick who looks perfect on your arm! You and I both know that! Everyone knows that!” Your chest heaved from the strain of yelling and trying not to break down in a mess of sobs. Dacre had barely let the words finish leaving your lips before he yelling back at you, “Who said that was what I wanted!” Dacre quickly closed the gap between you two, holding your face in his hands. “Babe, I want you. I want all of you. I want only you. You’re perfect, not because people say you are but because I love you. Because I love every part of you, from your eyes down to each and every single birthmark on your body. You’re perfect because you’re mine and I’m yours. You’re perfect because you’re the only person I want to be mine and because you’re the only person I ever want to belong to. I can’t even begin to describe the love I have for you in my heart. I can’t even begin to describe how much it hurt when I thought I lost you.” You gripped onto his shirt, balling the material in your fists. “Dacre.” Dacre pulled your face to him, pressing a kiss to your forehead before squeezing you in his arms and resting his face in your hair. “Y/n, baby, please, please, please, please, talk to me next time. If you’re ever doubting my feelings for you, tell me. I’ll never get tired of telling you how much I love you. I’ll tell the whole world, the moon, the sun and the stars if I have to but darling please, don’t ever leave me like that again. Okay? Princess, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m in love with you, okay?” You could feel his tears falling onto your hair as his body shook with sobs. You nod your head unable to will yourself to speak. Releasing his shirt, you pressed your hands against his stomach. He released his hold on you and looked down at the floor tears still pouring down his face. You grabbed his face making him look at you before you pulled him to you, your lips colliding in a passionate kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into him as if the two of you could merge into one being. Nothing else mattered in that moment. Not the tears still streaming down your faces or the open motel room door. Nothing but the man you held in your arms and the woman he held in his. Nothing but love.

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omgomgomgomg please don’t kill me for this, I cried writing this y’all. 

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