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raphaelbrcoks · 4 years

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RAPHAEL’S TWENTY-SEVEN HOUSE PLANTS (pt. 1)

PRESENTED IN ORDER OF APARTMENT APPEARANCE

1. devil’s ivy

horticutural fun fact: not only are devil’s ivy pretty to look at, but they’re also actively purifying the air around them, even when you cut off one of their stems and propagate them.

background: “up first is henri with an i, who’s a gentle soul with a love of 70’s disco. he’s had a lot of pressure on his back to live up to the devil’s ivy title, but the truth is there’s nothing demonic about him and he’s never even dabbled in satanism (except for that one time in college, but he was just experimenting, really). it’s ostracized him from the greater devil’s ivy community, but i’m happy to offer him a loving home with lots of diana ross. he’s a great dancer too - come over sometime when it’s windier, he knows how to shake those leaves like nobody else.”

2. chrysanthemum

horticultural fun fact: both the flowers and leaves of the chrysanthemum are totally edible.

background: “this is jeanine, but you can call her jeannie. she’s a city girl, but she loves to romanticize quitting her office job and moving out to some ranch in arkansas with the cowboy boyfriend she’d pick up along the way. with that being said, she’s never actually seen a farm in her life, and i don’t think she even knows what a plow does, so it’s hard for me to be totally supportive of her aspirations sometimes.”

3. euphorbia ingens

horticultural fun fact: even thought the euphorbia ingens looks like a cactus and has the pricklies to match, it’s actually a succulent in disguise.

background: “greg thought it’d be cute to grab onto my favorite sweater the other day and rip it up, so he doesn’t get a fun backstory again until he learns how to apologize. no, greg, stop, i don’t want to hear any excuses. honestly, your habit of gaslighting is starting to feel really toxic.”

4. sword fern

horticultural fun fact: sword ferns are also commonly referred to as the “christmas fern” due to a large amount of its fronds being used for wreaths each year.

background: “next up is vienna, who’s named after the billy joel song and not that measly city in austria, thank you very much. they’re weirdly into swamps, so if you’ve got any swamp-related trivia you need checked out, feel free to run it by them. i ask them sometimes, i’m like ‘hey vienna, if you like swamps so much, why not look into some swamp-based real estate? there’s gotta be some good stuff left after ‘08, i’ll find you an agent’, but they brush me off every time. vienna thinks some things are better left as just a pipedream, you know?”

5. orchid

horticultural fun fact: even though orchids have been cited as one of the more difficult houseplants to care for, they can live for up to a hundred years if properly looked after. this plant was the only one raph ever got from his brother, and he’s managed to maintain it for the last sixteen years.

background: “piper’s very into the grunge scene, she loves to tell anyone who’ll listen that punk’s not dead. she’s a star on the bass guitar, and while she’s fine rocking out on her own, what she really wants is to find an all-female punk band to shout about the patriarchy with. piper’s also been trying to grow out a rainbow mohawk for the longest time, but her delicate leaf structure is making it hard to follow through on that.”

6. peace lily

horticultural fun fact: the peace lily is named for its flower, whose white color symbolizes peace for many.

background: “reese is really trying to get a law degree and get involved with environmental diplomacy down the line, but they just can’t afford to go back to school right now. in the meantime, they work a lot of jobs to make ends meet, but they can’t seem to keep one for more than three weeks - something about being easily distracted with a bad temper. they’ve also got a small crush on piper, which i blame entirely on frankie and murph bringing over their simp influence.”

7. english ivy

horticultural fun fact: when the english ivy is left to grow in the wild, it usually latches onto trees, which it then climbs and shades out the leaves of, killing the tree within a few years. raph’s made sure to keep this one away from all his indoor saplings.

background: “lina is the youngest of four, but she’s the only one who consistently remembers her siblings’ birthdays. she bugs them a little about it, too.”

8. anthurium

horticultural fun fact: both the flower stalk, which contains calcium oxalate crystals, and the sap of the anthurium can be anywhere from mildly irritating to poisonous when ingested.

background: “juno’s just trying to law low for a while, if she’s being honest. she went a little crazy in her early-twenties, became involved with the wrong crowds, got some blood on her hands that she can’t take back now. when everything finally caught up with her, she got off with two years behind bars after a messy plea bargain. these days she’s taking it easy, just baking a lot of bread and embroidering sweaters in her free time.”

9. fiddle leaf fig

horticultural fun fact: unlike the common fig, the fruit that the fiddle leaf fig bears, when grown indoors or outdoors, is not edible.

background: “here we have carmen, who isn’t paranoid, they just have a lot of important questions. like, isn’t it peculiar that those footprints on the moon were so well preserved, despite the lack of moisture? and how the denver airport is so incredibly large for no explainable reason? and that jet fuel only burns up to 1500 degree fahrenheit, which isn’t nearly enough to burn through melt steel? carmen's just got a lot on her mind.”

10. rhapis palm

horticultural fun fact: the rhapis palm is a strange breed of fan palms that actually doesn’t exist in the wild, but was created by chinese cultivators to exist as indoor plants.

background: “richard’s prone to being a bit cocky about how tall and green he is, but with how hard he’s worked to get here, he doesn’t think it’s arrogant to be a proud of his appearance. what’s his secret, you may ask? he’s about to release a self-help podcast this upcoming fall, but in short: cardio three times a week, cross-training with weights every day in between. plus a well-balanced diet of sunlight protein, high-fiber carbon dioxide, and lean chicken breast.”

11. lemon tree

horticultural fun fact: the latest addition to raph’s plant collection via eddie’s birthday gift, the lemon tree can grow up to 600 pounds of lemons when grown in the wild, but raph’s lucky if he gets a few teeny fruits.

background: “growing lemons isn’t just amelia’s profession, it’s her passion. she carries an advanced certificate in citrus cultivation from the university of toronto. she can talk all day about the ideal conditions for lemon development and the exact amount of sourness that separates an amateur lemon from an expert one. she even painted her entire home in a very specific shade of lemon yellow - somehow her wife puts up with it.”

12. monstera deliciosa

fun fact: the holes in the monstera’s leaves actually serves an important purpose, which is to withstand heavy rainfall and wind as they let the elements pass through the holes. this is also the priciest plant in raph’s possession, clocking in at nearly a hundred dollars for this high-end monstera.

background: “ludwig likes to think he’s a tough guy, something out of a holywood sweatshop, but the truth is he’s a huge softie. like yeah, he rides a motorcycle and he’s got a dragon tatto on his back, but he also still sleeps with his childhood teddy bear, loves the smell of fabric softener, and is a sucker for jennifer aniston movies. his favorite is that one with adam sandler in hawaii, which i personally think is in bad taste, but ludwig won’t hear it.”

#muse.#what the fuck is this #why am i now a subscriber of urbanjunglebloggers.com

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