#Im disgusting on main again but like personal hygiene is a major thing

[mrfoox]

It's insane how much shit I don't do unless I actively force myself, it's concerning

#miranda talking shit #Im disgusting on main again but like personal hygiene is a major thing #I can go weeks and even a month without showering and for me thats not really an issue #I dont have own thoughts that are like 'im dirty i need to clean myself or even i want to' #Like i just tell myself 'aw man its been two-three days i better do it or people will find me disgusting' #I keep myself clean for others mainly tbh. If i would know i wouldnt see any other human for weeks id let myself go #And then theres many if not most people who shower almost every day without fail and enjoy it ... I feel like an dirty alien #Csnt discuss it with anyone either bc then others are just disgusted with me whelp #Now ive learned its pretty common for people with autism to have problems with this sort of thing but for a long time i just thought i was #Sick in the head. I mean i guess i am but like... Knowing why makes it easier to manage and accept i guess #The only things i have an internal clock for that tells me i need is bathroom breaks. Sleep and eat. Everything else i need to remind #And force myself to do and its uh.... I never talk about it bc its weird. Majority of my friends think im... Well not normal but ya know #Not super sick or whatever. But these sorta invisible things are really a big struggle for me and i can never discuss them lol #Most of my friends know i got autism but 95% of them have a limited knowledge of that diagnosis so they are usually like 'oh social things #Are hard for you ok' but then i also have an entire suitcase with basic things i struggle to manage bc my brain is like this and no one #Know about it. Im sure many of my friends wonder why im not... Studying or working or doing something productive #Bc i dont... Sound sick or look sick. How the fuck does one explain you struggle to function on a basic level to normal people #Part of me hates... Being able to fit in at an glance. Like i am odd but unless i explain anything i can pass for normal #Always feel like i need to explain and justify myself bc of it i guess... And i cant or dont dare #Many of my friends are well... I guess positive which is cool but being told you can do things you cant is maddening #If i ever get work it wont be 9-5 and it wont be 5+ days per week ill never be able to do that and keep myself alive #Some of my friends are like... Oh you can be anything you want (: and i mean nice thought and sentiment but very untrue #Im genuinely banned from doing some careers with my diagnose and since i dont have the drive to persue anything im uh yea #Sure people like me can have pretty normal life and learn to manage it well but um i cant see myself doing that #I'll learn to manage better as i age but I'll never have a stable job or/and get married and have 2.5 kids and a house #And having an friend whos becoming an doctor. One whos an dentist surgeon and another who's studying high level of things its like uh #Im the garbage gremlin of any friend group and anytime someone tries to talk about what i want in life when it comes to career im like :) #I wanted to be a debtist wgen i was 8 and after that ive had no genuine want for an career. I thought driving a train would be cool but im #Not allowed to do that bc i got add/autism and not 20/20 eyesight uuuh... Also had an idea to become an watch repair person but i cant with #My tremor. Those have been my three ideas for things my entire life then i got nothing. I dont have any plans i just try to stay alive