#ITS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF!! AND BY JOBE I WILL BE PROUD EVEN IF I HATE IT. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sluckythewizard · 16 days

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BUT IM NOT A WRITER. something strange possessed me to write my first proper fanfic in maybe a decade. be niceys to me but also grill me so i can get stronger. this one is a stupidly self indulgent bit between Soda and Emizel, a day or so after emizel was sired. CW for gore descriptions, but thats about it i think. image below is a snippet of the start. the rest of the whole dang thing will be under the cut. ive never posted fanfic ever in my life. read my tags for secret behind da scenes commentary

"Oh shit… I think hes dead…" It was another night, another patrol, another fight, and another win, for Emizel and Soda.

Under moonlight, under street light, under interwoven wires above, the two stood here in a quiet and damp alleyway. The air was drenched with the smell of a previous rain, and the puddles of said storm remain huddled in corners and pot holes.

One splashed as soda found himself stepping forwards into one. The residual adrenaline of the fight had left his body shaking, his heart still pounding, his wounds still throbbing. They had still won; or more-so, Emizel had won. A particularly nasty blow to the side had Soda reduced to the side lines for most of the fight, left to watch as his newly vampiric comrade had absolutely eviscerated the competition.

Emizel had only been turned a day ago, but it was impossible not to notice how it had changed him. He already acted so goddamn confident, so on top of the world, and this newfound power, newfound speed and strength, only built upon his insane ego.

The Fangs that they encountered here on this night stood no fucking chance. Emizel was too quick, too strong, and he easily chased off the rivals. It was only now, as the final unfortunate opponent had turned to flee, a clean clock in the jaw sent the human tumbling to the ground with a dull thump, and it did not move afterward.

Soda shifts his shoe out of the puddle, the cold seeping into his sock being one of the few things keeping his mind in his body in the moment. Is the guy breathing?

A low laugh bleeds from Emizel as he stretches his arms, licking his sharpened teeth as he stares off in the direction the remaining Fangs went. Soda knew that look on his face, the look of a tiger pondering on its next kill, he knew well that Emizel wanted to chase them.

But the guy on the ground.. It was one punch to the face, and the wicked crack sound that came from it had planted a seeding dread within Sodas chest.

As he steps forward, around the puddle, the resulting sound made Emizels attention click back over to Soda, the snap of his gaze making Soda flinch.

The two lock eyes, and Soda weakly gestures to the limp body on the floor. "The uh.. I think.. Is that guy dead?" He finally asks, having a hard time keeping contact with Emizels intensely red eyes.

Emizel turns his attention to said body, tilting his head as he goes to kick at the thing, turning it over. "Man no way hes dead, I punched him once." He mutters.

"Well, yeah, but his head almost twisted all the way around when you did.." Soda steps up to stand beside Emizel, the two boys standing with their hands in their pockets, down at this unfortunate, limp body.

"Should we hide it?" Soda asks, glancing back over at Emizel, who had.. An odd look on his face. He was clearly pondering something, but Soda could only guess whatever was going on in that brilliant head of his. He knew and trusted that Emizel was smart. If anyone could figure out what to do about this, it would be him.

But the lack of an answer had anxiety chewing at the back of Sodas rib cage, and after a second, he speaks up again, compelled to fill what he perceived as a tense silence. "Like.. I dunno, I've never uh... killed a guy..." He shrugs, prompting Emizel to let out a big sigh.

"He's not dead man, just out fuckin cold." Emizel kneels down next to the body, putting an ear up to its chest, and pondering on that for a moment. An uncertainty twists his expression, as he decides to instead place a hand on the victims throat, checking for a pulse. A moment passes, and seemingly finding nothing, he pulls back.

"Uh... Okay, so he might be dead."

Something about the confirmation from Emizel made a shiver run up Sodas spine. That, or maybe it was just the breeze agitating the cold water in his shoe.

"Huh… Damn.." Was all that Soda could really get to leave his mouth. Which was hardly a splash compared to the torrent that was slowly churning in his head. They just killed a guy. Or, Emizel just killed a guy. And it was so easy. They had to hide the body now, right? That was the usual progression here? Getting caught for murder was way more extreme than getting caught for breaking mailboxes with soda cans. It was so, so disturbingly easy. It really was just one punch. It's not like the Fangs are weak by any means, so just one punch? And this guy is dead? Forever?

Or, perhaps by human means, their rivals were fairly tough. But Emizel was on a whole other level. No mortal could stand up to him now...

"Hey, are you okay?"

The question had pulled Soda back from his head, his gaze flicking back over to Emizel, who was looking up at him with those eerie, piercing red eyes. Soda felt another shiver.

"Uh, ieah man, I'm all good." Soda nods, swallowing down whatever anxiety was bubbling up in his throat.

But Emizel didn't seem satisfied by his answer, standing back up and staring down his human comrade. Soda couldn't meet his eyes, his gaze instead traveling downward, and pausing on Emizels red, cut-up shirt. There was something off about the color, the way it seemed darker in some spots, brighter in others.. Wait, wasn't Emizel wearing a white shirt before all this?

The vampire boy seems to pick up on Sodas expression, following his eyes down to his shirt. "Oh, yeah! While you were on the floor, the knife guy got me a little" He says, a stupidly simple smile on his face. Soda was about to let out a laugh at how unbothered his friend seemed by it, but it gets caught in his throat when Emizel goes to pull his shirt up.

The sound of the bloodied fabric peeling away from skin made Sodas own skin crawl, but that wasn't nearly as bad as the sight of the intense gash running from his collar bone, down to his stomach.

"Oh, fuck dude!" Soda gasps, but Emizel laughs it off. Even despite knowing Emizel well, Soda was still surprised by just how much Emizel could shrug off. "Shit, doesn't that hurt, dude?"

"Oh yeah this fucking hurts!" he says with a laugh, his smile big and toothy and proud as he presents this egregious wound. Swollen and angry, pulsing with a slow heartbeat, and still oozing with thick, dark blood.

The sight of the split flesh, and the glints of bone beneath the dark, dark red all tugged at Sodas gag reflex, and yet he couldn't pull his eyes away. So Emizel's just been walking and talking so normally this whole time with his chest just cleaved wide open? Soda felt just as impressed as he felt horrified.

It wasn't until Emizel reaches down to poke at the abhorrent wound that Soda snaps out of it. Watching his friend press his fingers into the bloodied flesh, and slowly pulling it apart, allowing more ichor to seep from the gash, it was too much to watch at this point.

Soda reaches up to put a hand on Emizels wrist, the vampire boy stopping, and looking up at his friend.

Soda found himself freezing again when he locks eyes with Emizel. He was going to say something now, right? "U-uhm.." Is all he really chokes out, giving Emizels wrist a gentle tug. "D-do you. Uh. I suppose a hospital Isn't a place you can go anymore..?"

Emizel just smirks at that, letting Soda pull his hand away from the wound. "Oh, yeah no, but it's fine. I mean, I don't think it's gonna kill me" He shrugs. It was so, so impressive just how unphased Emizel was by all this. Fuck he's actually so cool.

"Well yeah man but it's like, still a bleeding hole. Like you're soaked in blood dude, I'm pretty sure that even a vampire needs that stuff on like, the inside." Soda rubs the back of his head, still unnerved by the sight of it all. "Vampires have like, super healing, don't they?"

"Oh yeah like, regeneration powers. I know I heal faster sometimes but I dunno how to just, activate it on command.." Emizel hums, his eyes narrowing down at his own injury, as if trying to will it into mending. Soda looks away, unable to watch that vile gash ooze any longer.

"I dunno man, how do they do it in like, video games?" Soda tosses the question out, trying to click together some sort of solution in his own head.

"Uhhh.. Huh, video games.." Emizel repeats to himself, chewing on the thought while idly poking at the laceration; until an idea audibly flickers to life in his head. "Oh, I just gotta refill my blood meter. Or whatever."

"Oooh yeah, blood meter!" Soda perks up, "Of course, see this is why you're the brains, man" Soda smiles, glancing back over to his cool friend, but immediately needing to look away again when the sight of that egregious gash tugs bile back into his throat.

While Soda averts his eyes, Emizels eyes wander back over to the body, and that classic 'Emizel has a bad idea' smile creeps across his face.

"Well, if this guys dead, I'm sure he's not gonna need all that blood.." He grins, kneeling down next to the body again.

The word 'wait' had hardly gotten the chance to crawl from Sodas mouth, before Emizel lifts up the arm of the unfortunate body, pulling the sleeve back, and immediately sinking his teeth into the exposed wrist.

The sound and the sight of blood gushing around Emizels teeth made Soda cringe, his hand impulsively coming up to aide his own wrist. An empathetic phantom pain made his wrist ache, his imagination simulating the feeling of shark teeth cutting into skin, sinking deep into the flesh, and clacking against bone. That was a lot of blood, that was streaming down the arm of this fodder.

A low growl bleeds from Emizel as he adjusts his teeth, cutting into more flesh, opening the wound further, and allowing a pulsing torrent of red to stream down his chin, onto his coat. It was an annoying thing, to clean blood out of clothing. Most of the Demons deemed it easier to just let the stains remain. But the night that Emizels throat was torn open, and liters upon liters were granted freedom from his human form, the unbelievable mess had practically changed half the color of Emizels iconic coat.

That was the first time Soda had ever seen that much blood from one person. And well. This would probably be the second.

The sight was unnerving, but it was impossible to look away. The alley was quiet, save for the distant bustle of a distant city, which made the noisy squish and squelch of teeth gnawing on flesh all the more apparent and nauseating.

Emizel had become a monster for sure, and watching it feed on something was… thrilling, in a way. It reminded Soda of feeding a pet spider, or lizard. A mouse for a snake.

It's a heavy thing to witness, the end of a human life. The fear of death is a primal thing, and Soda was no different from any other living thing. He figured everyone else feared death just as much as he does. Well, maybe except for Emizel, of course.

It made sense. Emizel was such a cocky and noisy kind of guy, but hes always had the power to back it up. Even when he lost, or seemed at his lowest, Soda still saw this sort of fire in him, one that Soda admired.

Of course Emizel would be the one to become something like a vampire. Something that Soda had always figured was just a fantasy creature thing. He wondered; if vampires were real, what else was real? Werewolves? Zombies? Unicorns? Are there real demons? Like from hell? Is hell real? Is he going to hell?

The sudden ttteeeeaaaaarrrr of flesh rips soda from his wandering thoughts. Emizel was tugging his head away from the arm of his kill, his teeth clamped down into the chewed meat, and pulling it apart. Soda had seldom seen so much of the inside of a human arm, and the sight of spilling threads and squirming veins was hardly something he ever wanted to stomach again.

"Oh fuck, dude, hey-" Soda steps forward, raising a hand, but the way Emizel snaps his head back over to him, twisting to an unnatural degree, Soda cant help jolting back.

Reddened teeth glint menacingly in the low light, a threatening growl thundering from its clenched, dripping jaws. Emizels eyes were focused, yet wild, glowing with whatever light they could reflect.

Sodas eyes were wide, and his body was frozen in the thick, electric tension within the air. It was like staring down an angry dog.. Suddenly a light bulb in his head flickers to life. It was kind of like an angry dog, right? One hunched over a meal it didn't want to give up. Memories of old encounters and unfortunate dog bites resurface in Sodas head, and with that experience, and with those lessons learned, he gathers the courage to react.

He shuts his eyes, keeping them closed for a few seconds, as he slowly pulls back his arm, and slowly steps back. It was an eye contact thing, wasn't it? Eye contact makes dogs angry, right? That was how you dealt with an angry dog? As he pulls back, and takes in a breath for composure, he finally dares to peek at the angry vampire before him again.

Its snarling had died down, but its eyes were still trained intently on Soda. After a tense, and agonizingly, slow pause... It blinks back, lowering its head back down to its meal, but keeping its anxious stare on this potential threat.

A relieved sigh falls from soda as the tension finally melts. He didnt realize he was holding in so much of his breath. "O-okay, man.. It's yours, you uh.. Earned it.." Soda mutters, stepping back further, until he was standing in a sufficiently dry enough space to sit down in. Now that he wasn't standing, he was finally taking into mind just how much his hands were shaking.

It's odd. Soda couldn't really describe this feeling thrumming in his chest as something like fear.. Nausea? For sure. Disturbed and rattled? Oh absolutely. This was certainly a sight he would have a hard time scrubbing from his eyelids when he sleeps tonight. But he wasn't scared. The memory of the night that Emizel was sired still coated the inside of his mind like an unwashable film. Even in that moment, when the unnatural teeth from the unnatural maw of an unnatural thing hovered over his throat, he couldn't say with confidence that he was scared.

Emizel really is his best friend in the world. And he knows with his whole heart that Emizel feels the same. He knew and trusted that his best friend would never hurt him. Not too badly at least. He loves Emizel, and would give anything to support him.

Like a mouse to a snake.

This really is an incredible power that his comrade had come across, and Soda especially felt a sort of pride in his friend. He felt it was worth it to help him feed it.

The bile in his throat had made its point, and Soda agreed, that watching someone die, and get torn apart and drained might be too much for him. Despite how much he hated the Fangs, the end of any human life seemed like such a jarring thing. To have such an intense fear finally get confronted. Would he go to hell?

Maybe he couldn't just feed people to his friend. So an alternative could be donated blood, right? Soda wouldn't mind giving up something like blood. His body makes it for free, after all. Maybe some other Demons would agree to give up some blood too. But they shouldn't have to take on such a burden. Soda wouldn't mind being the only one. The only one. The only one.

His hand comes up to rub at his neck, as his imagination conjures up what it might feel like to have teeth sink into his flesh. He's been stabbed before, is that sort of what it would feel like? Would he have to get stitches? He didn't really want to get stitches, so maybe there could be a more effective way to get the blood out of him. And there was so much vital stuff in his neck too. There's' a vein that's safe to cut into somewhere, right? He would have to look that up later.

A STARTLING RINGING;

Splits the moment,

Prompting both Soda and Emizel to jolt in shock,

As the phone in Emizels pocket rings away.

Acting as if nothing abnormal had taken place, Emizel pulls out his phone, and answers it.

"Heyy, Johnny! Yeah we chased em off, I don't think those bastards will be infesting this street again anytime soon. Yeah, ieah we'll be heading back soon. Oh fuck yeah dude, save us some!"

Emizel covers the speaker of his Nokia, turning back to Soda with a big smile on his violently bloodied face. "They got some pizza waiting for us back home, dude!" he whispers out to him.

Soda does his best to crack a smile, and to suppress the look of unease that probably stained his face, as he stares at the literal murder scene that's been splattered about in front of him.

"Oh, yeah, hell yeah man.." He swallows down the bile again. "What kind of uh.. Soda did they get?"

Emizel ponders that, before turning back to the phone to ask Sodas question.

"Sprite and a big pack of that one strawberry mountain dew" Emizel tosses the answer back over to Soda, who gives a nod, and thumbs up.

Mountain dew is so neat, Soda really liked all the wacky flavors those guys come up with. The thought of going home and opening a can of soda was certainly a comfort. After witnessing all this blood and gore and viscera, Soda absolutely needed to get back home and get a nice cold glass of something bright red .

As Sodas mind wanders off to soda, Emizel wraps up the conversation on the phone, before hanging up, and standing up.

The movement had pulled Sodas mind back into the moment, enough for him to timidly voice a concern he's had since the start of this debacle.

"Uh, hey, so.. The body, should we… Uh.." He gestures vaguely to it, and Emizel grants it a nonchalant glance.

"Eh, I can toss it into a dumpster or something, I dunno. I'm sure its fine. I'll handle it."

The vampire boy goes to pick up the corpse, the wound in its mangled arm no longer even dripping with blood, the flesh pale from the absolute absence of red in its veins.

"Go ahead and meet me by that one mailbox, the one with the bullet hole in it." Emizel casually instructs, tossing the drained body over his shoulder. "I'll catch up."

"Uh, yeah, okay.." Soda musters up a nod, and the strength to rise back up to his feet, wincing as that bruise on his side makes itself loudly known again. He still felt anxious, but even despite it all, he knew he could trust Emizel to take care of things. He always does. "Just stay safe man, I'll see you there." Soda assures with a smile, and Emizel matches it, tossing him a wink. And then suddenly- -He's gone! If Soda had blinked he would've missed it, but he was fortunate enough to just barely catch the glimpse of Emizel darting off at an inhuman speed, probably looking for a place to dump the body. Right, he would take care of it. Emizel always makes sure his crew is taken care of. Well... Guess all that's left for Soda is for him to walk back to that meeting spot. He looks around the alley for a moment, taking in the sight of that enormous pool of blood in the middle of the concrete. Or whatever the floor of this alley is made from. He ponders on the present moment a little longer than he meant to, the shock of it all leaving him aimless for just a few, soothing moments of just, decompression. The night is quiet, vast, and cold, but the stresses of just the past 5 hours had left his body radiating with fiery aches and pains, so the chill of the occasional clawing breeze was welcomed. Except for when said breeze agitated the cold water still soaked into his sock. He should step in another puddle on his way back to even it out. The smell of rain still rested heavy in the air, heralding another storm on the horizon. There was that, and then, well, there was also the blood. The stench of it felt far too intense to just ignore it, the metallic miasma making itself maliciously unmistakable. Maybe the impending storm will wash this mess away... He looked forward to putting this unfortunate night behind him. With one last rattled, but deep breath, he stuffs his hands in his pockets, and turns away, strolling back over to the mailbox that Emizel had described.

He couldn't wait to get home and drink some soda with his friends.

#NO TAGS ON THIS ONE BC WELL. IM SHY. IM TAKING A BIG LEAP JUST BY ALLOWING U TO REBLOG THIS. IF IT BREAKS CONTAINMENT THATS UR FAULT.#i unfortunately suffer from the disease of 'i hate everything i write the day after i write it' BUT IM GETTING TREATED #I WILL NOT BE HAUNTED BY THIS WEAKNESS FOREVER. AND HEY LOOK THIS IS THE FIRST ACTUAL FIC BIT IVE EVER FINISHED..#ITS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF!! AND BY JOBE I WILL BE PROUD EVEN IF I HATE IT.#i dont always need to be the one who likes my art bc i know Someone out there will always enjoy it.#and to that someone i say: omg thankyou i LOOOOVEE YOUUUUUU!!!!!#JUST DELETED A WHOLE RAMBLE I JUST HAD ABT NERVOUS DISCLAIMERS FOR MY ART BUT I DONT NEED EM!!#GET CONFIDENT GET CONFIDENT GET CONFIDENT. ANYWAY. so emizel and soda huh #THEYRE SO CUTE TOGEEHTERRRR TEEHEHEHEHEEEE they are the homies that kiss eachother goodnight like CMON #but uhh so hey your bestest friend in da world just got turned into a freaky creature thing that eats ppl #ieah yknowthe guy that u care about alot that u had to watch get bled out by another freaky creature thing in an alleyway #yeaaah and you were super hurt and weak and stupid and u couldnt do jack nor shit to help him #what was i talking about again. RIGHT so hes even cooler now bc he cant die n hes super strong n his arms can be knives. sometimes.#but also he can eat people now. and sometimes he cant stop himself from eating people. and thats kinda scary. but in a cool way.#but also in a disturbing way. but also in an interesting way?but also in a freaky way.the feelings ARE MIXED!!!ATLEAST I THINK THEY WOULD B #okay again i havnt listened to the suckening ina bit. so its been a minute since i absorbed their personalities. i could be misreading or #misremembering or misconstruing or mischaracterizing or WHATEVER. i think the confusion carries its intended effect #LOSING MY TRAIN O THOUGHT. anyway i love soda n emizel i hope they get locked in a saw trap together or somethign. for enrichment.#TALOS GRANT ME THE STRENGHT TO POST MY CREATIONS ON LINE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHH!!!!!!!

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flyhigh-studying · 5 years

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Birthday Studyblr!

August 23th of 2018 must be the day that my desire to improve my English and writing skills struck me. On this day, one year ago, I created this studyblr; I was starting my internship and I was needing to do something to inspire me to study more and improve my skills to be able to find a fix job as fast as I could.

I didn't realise that this would become not just an inspiring tool for my studies but a hobby too.

I believe one of the reasons why I got my current job is because of this studyblr because I like to write here (even when anyone read my texts lol), and now I write about my degree course and I get paid for it, awesome!!

But in this one year, I learned somethings about what is being a studyblr, that I want to share with someone that maybe is reading this

1- Studyblr it is about the aesthetic - I know that this is not to true, but is at the same time is if you understand. Much of the studyblr have already reblogged something like "Your notes shouldn't be aesthetic for you be a studyblr" I agree, but how many of us reblog or like that "ugly" note pics? The dark ones, with truth, not the aesthetic, mess study table? When I started and posted my first pic I and saw my dashboard filled with aesthetic notes, on white tables and cute stationery I felt insecure and started to make my notes more "aesthetic" and cute, but that was a fake I never really used those notes, I just did to post. The thing is I learned that the thing here is aesthetic, but doesn't mean you should follow this standard to be a studyblr, you can post pictures and texts that would please you. And of course I can have fun trying to improve my pics and text to be more aesthetic, but the standard doesn't define the relevance of my posts...

2 - It's not about the notes - When I realised that my texts, my pics were for my studyblr, for me to getting track on my study journey and not to be on the most popular topic, I stopped to worry about notes and likes, because like I said the pics with big number of notes are the aesthetic and cute ones, its just a fact. In this process, I stopped to look at the number of notes on my posts and focused on what I wrote and what I could take from it in the future when I revisited.

3 - The blog is my - For a moment I just reblog things that were related with studies and studyblr-ish but I start to think that this blog is an inspirational space for me, is my online room that I can getter everything I like and inspires me. Thinking about what people would spect from my studyblr, or what will make people follow me made me not reblog things that I truly like, but the blog is like your desk that has different things, not just papers and pencils, but have that little quote you like, the plushie you adore, so it's what makes you comfortable so reblogging gifs of my favourite groups or the tv programs and currently binging makes this place comfortable for me, and because of that I start to wonder if this is actually a studyblr sometimes... And yes, I'm the part of the ones that reblog aesthetic notes because it's pretty and some inspire me, but my main point is reblogging posts that inspire me being "pretty" or not.

4 - Do it for me - Not be a studyblr to be famous and have hundreds of followers, but to have something to look back and say: "hey I'm improved a lot, and I have so much more to do".

I learned so many things in this one year, but I think this three are the most important for me.

Anyways I wrap up this year and I made list, just for my future me read and be a little nostalgic:

Posts from this year that I'm proud of:

Careers in Cybersecurity - I love this one!!

I regret choosing a Tech career? - I put all of my frustrations about looking for my first job in IT on this post, an important one to me.

What is Cyber Security? - Was so fun creating this analogy lol

We need to talk about sextortion - Such a heavy topic, but I think is not enough discussed and it should

English + Narnia Chronicles - I didn't finish the project yet, but I finish the two first books in the first semester, I'll have patience and hope with my self

Friends

I didn't talk to anyone here except the sweetest @linguavert that correct many of my posts, I can thank you enough, I hope you can see some kind of improvement on my writing after this year lol... So she is friendly and everybody should follower her and get really good posts about her german studies.

Playlist

I listened to music all the time, but the ones that I mentioned and followed me through my studies this year were these (and more):

Never Give Up - Bang Yongguk & Zelo

Lily James - A dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Tomas Newman - Road to Perdition

James Newton Howard - The Mockingjay

Hillsong United - Scandal of Grace

Infinite - Bad

B.A.P - Goodbye

EXO - Heaven

CNBlue - I Don't Know Why

Kari Jobe - The Garden

McFly - Smile

I'm so pleased that one year ago I get the courage to create this studyblr. Happy Birthday, flyhigh-studying!

#studyblr #study inspiration #study #brazilian studyblr #studyblr birthday #flyhigh bday #original.doc

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themothermary-blog1 · 5 years

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really truly think about it

ladys i suggest you think thrice befor you become a proud mans wife

that pride runs deep and if his pridefullness ever gets pissed because you ever just want to be you he will turn on you and dirty your name because you nolonger want to be a part of his life game

see he thinks who you be is because of he so if you are a part of his big picture and you distroy your corner of his painting he feels you have distroyed the intyre thing he will not let you have anything but the clothes you came in with including your kids he will allow all of society to think you are a horrable person not a woman desporat to get out of an narsisistic situation trust me he will play the victom in it and play you as a ungreatfull bitch and worthless

so he will set out to distroy any kind of picture you try to paint for your self my ex uses my kid he has costody and suppervises my visatations this gives people the impression that there is something horrably wrong with me

well the truth soon will be i got a attorney and he moved my visatation to a place where people can see the real me a loving and carring mother who was willing to tolerate her narsistic ex husband just to see her kid

the problem with my ex husband is he failed to see why i gave worth to me

i had meny jobes befor i married him

i sucessfully raised my daughter

i had a collage degree

i owned my property

i had done a lot of charity

i knew i took good care of my family

i was well rounded and worldly

i had a unbeleavable amount of life experence good and bad

i do understand that my mental illness unlike other people is a testamony to all ive been throw not something i was born to

i say this to all of you my mental illness is a testamony and warning to you i usto be as nieve as you when it comes to the things humans do

i reolize i have been trying to protect you and save you ive been trying to educate you now i reolize for all my efforts is you see me as crazy well crazy to me is you not heeding the warning of what has happened to me

nobody warned me nobody protected me nobody educated me

so you wont appreciat this because you dont know you deserve it im sorry im calling it quits in trying to help nieve peces of shit that see my mental illness and talktiveness as a problem insted of a gift

i have been gifted into into the knoledge a nieve person can not handle or understand

i have a new plan i am putting my life experence in a book when you want to know the truth take a look when you are ready to give up your need to beleave that i am crazy and that i am a bad person you might save your self a lot of pain and missery that i was not spaired from see some of that misery is how you treat me when i attempty to help you not be me

i can only hope my children read it and are all the wiser from it

know the truth of it

my biggest warning is of wolves in sheep clothing and from my experence humans are not emanantly good thay are enenimatly selfish and when you recognise it in others its bad enought its when you recognise it in your self that you can change something about it i did attempt to but now when it comes to what i know about the likes of all of you i have decided not to save you from your selves you dont know how mean that truly is for i have seen the likes of how cruel you have all been to me

i am a serviver i am strong i am experence you all look so nieve to me i have see the worst of humman behavyour it does not matter if i brought the worst of human behavyour onto my self its the fact that i saw it some of the behavyour was my own and for the most part mild when compaired to what i have seen so i can see how my mild bad behavyour has effected you i cant amagin how you will do if the real hard shit hits you i was a naturally tenderharted person who wanted everybody to be happy everybody to be safe and now in my final days i am bighting off selfish too and the selfishest thing i can ever do is not warn you of the likes of all of you and your nievity to it too i do know what i have seen and been threw would dismantal all of you the only thing you got going for you in this isolated situation is you life experence is limmited and when bad things happen nobody talkes about it so you fullishly feel safe in the inviroment your in unfortunatly because i am ohonest people do disclose the truth to me in cleaveland the dirty is in your face you know to keep safe in noble county its just the opposet you all white wash it i the cops and the tharapist know the truth of it we call noble county the white washed sest pull to me you are the eppity of nievity and the fact that you easily blame me is so funny to me the problems are so much bigger then me i do get it is so much easier to blame me than bight off reality

expecially when it comes to my ex husband for if you were to beleave me you would have to take a look at everything you know and beleave to be good

your water colored glasses that protect you sanity will be off and you will act like me well maby you might just keep the information to your self out of selfcenteredness or the feer of being called crazy like me because nobody wants to beleave you so im going to take a shot at this noble county white washing thing i cant wait till sombody really screws up so i can blame them for maring my pretty picture with there what ever it is bull shit god i hope its a zwick and it bad real bad i only pray its not my son

im sure that everybody will blame me olwhen he acts like his undercover narsistic daddy but he looks like me i will only decree the apple did come from me but that demon seed is brians his good behavyour comes from me if he smoaks pot ill bight that off if he has a beer thats me if he loves fun i take that one but the really bad shit if it hits thats his fathers undercover bull shit that you assholes didnt know about but i did and nomatter who he is he will always be my kid i was the dumbass that married that pece of shit

if my son ever bights off ass hole just remember his father is raising him not me my daughter shannon is a good person inside and out i do know i lived with her i consult with her sister i asked people what she was like when she wasent around me the answer was nice she is kinda backwards about some things but jenuenly a nice person i would trust her with my kids and in my house and shit i am so glad i got peoples opinion of my daughter i did ask several people the biggest thing people seen about my daughter is she is too nice to people and thay worrie about her so her sister and i agreed for now she needs to live with sombody older then her and got there shit togethor her big sister with the blessing of her mother and befor she goes anywhere she is going to have her own shit togethor including that generosity issue the first person you take care of is you and do it good too well its time for me to go to tharapy and talk about whit washing in noble county im so glad i admit to my dirty keeping it real in noble county even if its only me

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