#IS THIS A FUCKING ABE SAPIEN MOVIE WITH OCTAVIA SPENCER??

[twenty-words-or-less]

Top 5 Worst Films of 2019

It's been a while since I gave you something from the vault, so you can have something, as a little treat. Best of 2019 and Best & Worst of 2021 to be interspersed throughout the next few posts.

IMPORTANT: There will more than likely be spoilers, because I do not respect these films enough to calmly articulate my feelings for them. Also there is way more swearing in this post.

5. Glass

It is a second sequel that shat on the second wind Shyamalan had after Split. David Dunn suffered an undignified death in a puddle and Dr. Staple is a member of an evil organisation that suppresses the existence of superheroes. The latter comes out of fucking NOWHERE and does NOTHING for the film, let alone the trilogy as a whole. Also, the last act is lifeless and I haven't felt this patronised by a film since 2017's Ingrid Goes West.

4. Hellboy

The 2004 movie is in my all-time top 10. This 2019 disaster of a multi-genre whiplash didn't have a chance from the off. Everyone was wasted in this, actors AND the musicians who contributed to the soundtrack. It was lazy, it was unnecessary, and the post credits scene - namely, them finding Abe Sapien - was so optimistic about having a sequel, it was cute. I'm glad it bombed. Hard.

3. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Yep, the one I saw just yesterday. Whilst I wanted Kylo Ren to fucking die, the film also fucking made Reylo canon immediately before, which is the one thing I didn't want them to do. It's soulless, it relies too much on the original trilogy, it's too long for its own good, and oh my fuck is it a elevator plummet in general from TFA. And yeah, I know 'elevator' is American. In this case, it's more effective than 'lift'.

2. The Goldfinch

Proof that a film being based on a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel does not make it good. Every scene felt disconnected from the previous one, the plot likes to pop in for a cuppa every now and then, and it has more endings than a clitoris, none of which are anywhere near as pleasurable. Also, dear Hollywood: please stop giving Ansel Elgort work. Thanks.

Dishonourable mentions:

The Intruder: not as rage-inducing as the top five entries here, but still pretty crap. The character motivation is weak as hell and is never explained in a reasonable way.

Ma: Tries to be a hybrid of Carrie and Misery, fails at being both, can just wastes Octavia Spencer (and Diana Silvers, coincidentally in Booksmart).

Annabelle Comes Home: Straight up fucking boring. The best characters are only in it for about 9 seconds (proportionally speaking). Not much else I can say on that front.

And finally, the worst film I have seen this year...

1. Burning

Oh fuck me, where do I begin?This film is based on a short story, and at 2.5hrs is about 45mins-1hr too long for its origins. The protagonist is a gormless moron (GM), the love interest is a wet blanket (WB) and the third party is basically a Korean Gatsby (KG). WB disappears, and the film makes it out to be like KG didn't murder her (which he did, movie). The film treats us like we're stupid, some shots go on for far too long, there is no plot AT FUCKING ALL, and worst of all, I didn't care about the protagonists. GM wanks in WB's empty flat and then pretends to be sad when WB goes missing. GM also stabs the shit out of KG to death at the end of the film, and honestly, I wanted to jump into the film and stab the shit out of GM himself. [REDACTED] put this as their 2nd worst film of the year, and as much as I love them, 2nd place is far too generous. Foreign language films do not get a theatrical release in the UK very often, so this was an insult on multiple levels. I wanted to like this film, I did, and I want to know more about Korean cinema beyond I Saw The Devil, but this burned me in that respect and I do not understand the praise it got from critics. Fuck this film. Fuck it to the depths of hell and back. And fuck you, whoever decided to give this a theatrical release in the UK, for that decision. I hope that you will be forever tormented by mice living in your walls that eat your food and cannot be removed, no matter what. Fuck. You.

Thanks again for reading, and happy New Year, everyone! See you soon! Hopefully for a year that is better for films than this one! ❤

~Mikey

#worst of 2019 #2019 #mikey #glass #glass 2019 #hellboy 2019 #star wars the rise of skywalker #the goldfinch #the goldfinch movie #the intruder #ma #annabelle comes home #burning #from the vault

[symphonyofmars]

It’s a little stupid that Octavia Spencer is such an amazing actress, but because she’s black for some reason she’s always a side character and never the lead. But my personal irony is that this woman is my Sci-Fi QUEEN, and I will watch any Sci-Fi movie if she’s in it (fortunately for me she tends to have good taste in the movies she chooses to be in).

But like, I would love to see her be the heroine in a movie and be the lead. 

I love her so much.

#her and doug jones #if I find out either of them are in anything #I need to see it #so yeah #this was obviously about the new Abe Sapien movie #I don't even know the lead actress' name #but I saw Octavia and Doug and was like #AHH! AHH! #OCTAVIA SPENCER! #DOUG JONES! #IS THIS A FUCKING ABE SAPIEN MOVIE WITH OCTAVIA SPENCER?? #AHHHH! #I NEED TO SEE THIS!! #I would know that man anywhere #no matter how much sfx makeup he's wearing #and I would watch anything she's in #but I like her scifi stuff so much better #she's so good at scifi