#I'm not adding him to the simp list tho- 1: not putting his name anyways and 2: that list is for fictional characters only

[billygoat26]

Guys- moots who know me well enough kind of-

I'm not simping solely for fictional characters anymore-

...

I hate this, it's weird, I wanna say something to them or at least one of my other irl friends but I'm too scared that 1: they'll judge me and 2: they'll TELL HIM. Dear god I do not need that-

BUT IT WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE (aka it's been on my mind for a few hours too long)

Yesterday, pool party with friends, right?

I knew that he did some workout stuff but I still was NOT prepared- (me, who was fully expecting him to wear some form of his normal outfit but for the pool- noooooope! Shirtless- very unprepared)

And listen, I knew I at least sort of like-liked him before cuz you know, personality and all that stuff, but come onnnn- like- what do I do now??

And then they were playing chicken fights in the pool or whatever the game is called, and after that they were standing on each other's shoulders and pretending to walk on water (We all had just endured a bible unit in our English classes)

He had offered for ME to stand on HIS shoulders- and for that to happen, you know, they gotta swim under, right? Well, we both have the dirtiest of minds (I also just have shitty balance so I was not about to try that anyways. That was the main reason on my mind but I thought of the other stuff after).

I don't even know if I have blushed since elementary school, but if I did then, then thank god for the sun because sunburnsssss

And then he couldn't find his shirt after we had all gotten out, and one of my other friends said that he didn't need the shirt (jokingly) and dear god I wanted to agree (verbally) but I'm too worried about my whole bullshit being too obvious if I did, so I just had to stay quiet. (He ended up not finding it and just having to leave cuz his parents were there)

But that- that day- just... that. It's not. Leaving. My. Mind. Alone.

#billygoat talks #Look ma- I'm not simping for only fictional characters! #I'm not adding him to the simp list tho- 1: not putting his name anyways and 2: that list is for fictional characters only #Wait- what day is it now? #Fuck- it's only Sunday... #Should I say something? Cuz I only know him because of the IB program but I'm not gonna be in it next school year #And I think the only time we would see each other is either during lunch and after school going to the buses or just buses #But I'm worried that- if I do say something and he doesn't feel the same- our friendship will be fucked up and awkward- I don't want that.. #Besides- I've never had good luck with these things #And at the start of the year I had come out to my friends as gay- mid-school-year one of my friends and I agreed I was pan #<- that was only one friend... and the one who made the joke I told y'all about #But he still thinks I am gay- we joke about it a lot- so how would I even start? #I've never been in a relationship- can't say I've never been kissed before only cuz of a weird thing in elementary school- #Believe it or not- even if I can give others advice- I don't know what to do for myself... #I guess I'm scared of rejection but I should be used to it by now- #Oh yeah! The other thing- we've only known each other for a whole one school year- his friends have known him for much longer- #I feel like it's wrong to even think like that after only one school year and say something about it- like it's too soon #Believe me- I do wanna say something but I'm just scared that our friendship will be ruined or he'll ask questions I don't have have answer #to- more than likely one of those would be about my sexuality #I feel like I have to stick to that- like a limitation- but I don't want to- #I have so many wants but I feel like I'm not exactly good enough for anybody and those wants will just be wishful thinking forever #Fuck- just bombarded y'all with my shower thoughts... sorry- #Ummmmmm- #Yeah-