#I'm literally that one meme guy who's like 'I've looked at this for five hours now'

[celestialholz]

Surrendering fucking Sunflora.

Oh Brassius. Brassius, Brassius, Brassius. I'm going to have to murder you with my bare hands for this one. Don't even need to wake up the Armarouge - you take an extended nap, king, keep those cannons fresh.

Did you know guys that there are thirty-three Surrendering Sunflora in and around Artazon? I do, because I've just spent forty-five minutes of the only life I will ever have working it out. And then another twenty ensuring I'm not wrong, which I possibly still am because this bitch has hidden these things everywhere! Arceus has placed me on this earth only to suffer.

But in spending over an hour on this, finally my soul can rest, because I have confirmation. Confirmation of what, exactly?

... Well, every single Surrendering Sunflora location is representative of what Hassel means to Brassius, in one way or another.

Might want to get your popcorn for this one, friends, maybe grab a blanket...

First though, before I attempt the frankly ridiculous task of explaining all these locations and their meanings, corporate needs you to find the difference between these two pictures:

They're the same picture.

Hassel is Sunflora in human form and with more dragons, right down to his mostly-green-and-yellow colour scheme and sunshine personality. And we know from this little extract that he is the direct inspiration for Surrendering Sunflora, because after Brassius tells you Hassel saved his life, he adds:

Much like The Harvest is part-Arboliva, part-Brass and part-Hass, as seen here in respective shape, spikiness and dragon colour...

... Surrendering Sunflora is part-Sunflora, part-Hass and part-Brass, in form, representation, and mood at the time of its creation.

Anyway, with that established, a map that took me another forty minutes to put together:

This is the location of every Surrendering Sunflora in and around this goddamn hellscape of a town. (/j, it's very pretty, but I am a salty girl.)

Now, some of these are notably easier to figure out than others, but just for clarity's sake... one to thirty-three, a breakdown. (Of the numbers, not me. Although you pull any more of this shit Brassie, it will be my personal breakdown.) I would screenshot every one, but Tumblr's 10-pic limit is having none of it, so I'll show off the more interesting ones at points and note the rest in text. I will also be looking at them from the perspective of being the Sunflora - the direction the sculpture itself faces.

Now, bear in mind... these are allegorical. I've had to surmise what they mean in most cases, but... that's what an artist does. Art asks you to consider the artist's intent, to interpret what they meant by location, form, colour... whatever the piece entails. It's why we have art critics, why we have museums and art galleries - and all of these point to one singular conclusion: Brassius? Super fucking gay. If you've ever made a fic or a piece of art that hides small details or leaves things just a little to one's imagination, you've been Brassius with these sculptures.

... And frankly, why the hell else are they where they are? These are chosen spots. Most of them aren't even central, or helpful where they are, without an alternate dialogue to them.

So, let's begin!

One: just across and to the left of Two, and directly facing Glaseado Mountain. Hass leading him upwards, to literal higher heights. Doesn't get any grander or higher than Glaseado.

Two: atop a cliff face, and it's already pic time!

This one has a few things to say. First, it's overlooking the gym, second it's pointing directly south if you look at my mini-map. This is one of several that faces south, which is valid - most of Sunflora's dex entries tell us that it loves facing the sun, and in terms of planetary orbit, south is the direction in the day where the sun is at its height... which is telling, when Hassel led Brass out of depression, being his literal sunshine.

Three: right beneath the centre of the maze. Hass guiding him to the heart, his 'core' - helping him find meaning in life.

Four: also in the maze, but near the entrance. A guiding hand when one is lost, at a genuine 'dead end'. A little girl in another dead end of this maze comments how lost she is.

Five: is actually hilarious.

Sir are you fucking kidding me I will fight you in an Every Wich Way parking lot right now

Six: facing local small cliffs. Climbing the smaller hills first is a notable method of depression recovery, and given that Brass' health issues also seem physical, this is a small, easy-to-climb hill - a step to feeling healthier.

Seven and Eight: greeting you as you walk into town for the first time from the direction of Mesagoza. A feeling of comfort and homeliness, which two men with such a connection clearly have.

Nine: has a similar vibe - straight ahead of Seven and Eight, the first thing to greet you in the central plaza. The kind of welcome feeling Brass gets from Hass.

Ten and Eleven: are very obvious. These two directly face the maze, and are facing one another on opposite sides. Trust, warmth, familiarity. Interestingly, one faces east, and one west - where the sun rises and the sun sets. Hassel's always there for him.

Twelve: faces the way out to Levincia beyond, because welcoming works from either side of town.

Thirteen and Fourteen: are both either underneath the gym arena, or very nearly underneath, and Fourteen looks straight at the gym. What did I say about these two taking one another into battle?

Fifteen: is facing the pool... for a man who cries a lot. No further explanation required, but this is one of my favourites for how adorable and accepting it is on Brass' part.

Sixteen, Seventeen and Eighteen: the first of the climbing frame Sunfloras, and all of them are in a line, facing the gym. See Thirteen and Fourteen, but... these ones are also elevated, as though Hassel is watching over him during battle. Another gesture of support. They also happen to overlook a Heterarchical Loop, which we'll revisit in a mo...

Nineteen: is on the side of the climbing frame, staring at the Sunflora field used during the gym challenge. Given that it's also staring at said field's house, this is one of two things - emotional vigilance, or home comforts. It's also beside a version of The Harvest, which we know is part-Hass too.

Twenty: climbing frame, above Sixteen, Seventeen and Eighteen - an even higher guardian, and also one that can see the arena. This is also directly across from the Paradoxical Popper, and coupled with what I just mentioned about the Heterarchical Loop... well, this brilliant piece of meta that you've probably already read (top job, fellow theorist <3) shows us that yeah, these old pieces by an unnamed artist are probably also Brassie's, which makes this completely adorable - we know from Art (4) that Brass considers his old pieces 'shallow trash'. By his masterpieces overlooking them, they act as a reminder - that Hassel believes in him, that he can do brilliant things - that his new work has a purpose. Even if they aren't his old works, the fact that he places them literally higher up shows that he has more respect for something inspired by Hassel than any other works.

Twenty-One and Twenty-Two: the last of the climbing frame ones, and again, at height, and directly facing the gym. Just behind these is a climbing wall, which heads up towards a dragon-coloured Harvest. Considering that we can infer that Hassel influenced Surrendering Sunflora first, as Brass tells us that he created it directly after Hass saved him, having to head up to a Harvest coloured with Hass' type is really quite sweet as it was likely a result of their connection later down the line. But regardless of order, these two are again indicative of Hass' care for him.

Twenty-Three: is... well, at the back of someone's house. What's fun about this one is that A. there is literally no reason for this to be here if it's simply about showing off an art piece, and B. even in the daytime, as you can see, this spot? Perpetually in the shade. Even when Brassius feels dark, there's Hassel - his permanent sunshine, making sure he never feels too alone, or abandoned in a place no one would look for him.

Another of my favourites - the symbolism here is gorgeous.

Twenty-Four and Twenty-Five: greet you if you walk into town from the Levincia side, which is very much along the same lines as Seven and Eight - a warm, sunshine welcome, a peacefulness of spirit.

Twenty-Six: stares directly at the side of the Go-for-Broke Grill... which just so happens to be where one finds Encounter Power: Dragon food. Goddamn gay people and their apples...

Twenty-Seven: is behind the Grill, and looking straight at the Sunflora field. The Sunflora field is not only a core part of the gym test, but the specific direction of this one points at the house attached to the field. So not only is this field full of sunshine, it's overlooked by it, too. Anything directed towards a house also speaks of hearth and home - a comfort, a feeling of literally being 'at home' in someone's presence.

Twenty-Eight and Twenty-Nine: stand as guardians to the Sunflora field, right on either side of its gate. Now, for this one, I would like to draw your attention to a piece of dialogue Hass gives you during the League:

"I am Hassel, the dragon guarding the final fortress of the Elite test."

Whilst this field is no fortress, these ones nevertheless stand taller than any other Surrendering Sunflora in the town - the 'protectors' of the field of sunshine, the warmth and the light Brass has experienced beneath Hass. Now, given that Hass also tells you in the League that his job as a teacher is to guide students and watch them grow... well, here we are. He's helped Brassius grow, prosper, and find his inner light, and he'll protect him at all costs from that darkness. And size matters, here - these are big, they stand out, therefore they are deliberately important. This is Brassius' greatest impression of his love - as a protector, and a guide to the light.

Thirty: stands in the Sunflora field itself. This one is notably smaller than the gatekeepers, the usual size of those around town, and is just across from a dragon Harvest in the same field. Again, why not put your emotional sunshine in a field of your actual ones? (And why not do it twice, y'know, because you're massively dramatic...)

Thirty-One: sees our final return to the climbing frame - this is one of the ones I missed originally, because it's directly beneath it. There's another one down here too, right beneath the Popper, but as they mean the same thing as Twenty-Three, we'll count them together - a location always dark and in shade, illuminated. They're also hemmed in by the wooden walls of the climbing frame - they are, quite literally, trapped - like one might be in their own mind, during depression, without a source of light.

Thirty-Two: is probably my favourite of them all. This harks back to number One, overlooking Glaseado, except...

Well, this looks at another mountain, and it's literally not in Artazon - it's the one I showed you in the very first photo of this post. The location box for Artazon doesn't even crop up. It is, however, facing direct south, but... what's it doing here?

In facing the sun's peak, this one exists to show us that there isn't a mountain Hassel can't help Brassius overcome, however high. Look at where you end up, if you follow this cliff directly from this Sunflora:

The highest peak you can see all of Artazon clearly from, considerably overlooking every other Sunflora that already overlooks core parts of the town important to Brassie. You know what they call that level of symbolism? Fucking love.

And finally, we end on Thirty-Three, which... well. I think we all know what a Pokemon Center does. It heals, it brings your Pokemon back from the brink of death - and who do we know, who's done that for Brassius?

... Pokemon Centers are free, and in this generation, even feature a kindly Nurse Joy who will offer you guidance and assistance through the big, wide, open world of Paldea from the goodness of her own heart.

... This whole town is a love letter. At every turn, you run into a new page of narrative through these Sunfloras: you slot together another meaning, you see the hearts of two men woven into every little stitch. And whether or not this was Brassius' intention, it was almost certainly the intention of those who made him. This is what art directors do, this is what devs hide for you to find. This is Pokemon's ultimate Easter egg, and it is fucking beautiful.

I don't know any more than you lovely people do if they're ever going to officially confirm Hassius as a romantic duo - in love, married, whatever. And I'd love to see it as much as you all would, but... well, I already have. Here it is, right in front of us, if only we're willing to look. Of all the meta I've posted on these two so far, this... yeah, this is the most gay and glorious of them all. And I've still got more to say, just... not on this. We're good here.

... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do that killing thing I mentioned earlier, though maybe after a nap... sir you must die by my own hand for CRIMES AGAINST MY FREE TIME. (jk, king. Love you, keep doing what you're doing. I am but an average poster without your delicious homosexuality. xoxo)

#ephemeralartshipping #hassius #brassel x hassius #brassius #hassel #pokemon scarlet and violet #I have sunk about five hours of the ONE LIFE I have into this and I regret absolutely nothing if I'm honest lmao #it's the most goddamn beautiful thing I've ever seen #I'm literally that one meme guy who's like 'I've looked at this for five hours now' #... fuck. Just... fuck. #meta #gay gay homosexual GAY. #how are you going to give me the most wholesome love story in the canon and not even officially TELL ME it's the most wholesome love story

[kjmellow]

I posted 429 times in 2022

That's 428 more posts than 2021!

14 posts created (3%)

415 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@dyonisia96

@nightscavalry

@johannesviii

@alyona11

@lelelego

I tagged 391 of my posts in 2022

Only 9% of my posts had no tags

#yes - 5 posts

#babies - 4 posts

#wow - 4 posts

#also op your board game q made me sad bc i've literally never played any of those and only heard of like two this girl had no childhood - 3 posts

#doctor who - 3 posts

#owo it's all of dem space-time blorbos!!!! - 2 posts

#the stars don't come out because they never left - 2 posts

#omg - 2 posts

#except i didn't play fnaf but have binged playthroughs from like five different people aaaa - 2 posts

#why am i in love with leela's outfit - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#if anything they barely interact with the tardis in what i've been reading and i've read like twenty-five books all about different doctors

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Seeing Sandman posts on my feed is so confusing because for such a long time the only Dream I saw shit about was that Minecraft guy and every time I see Dream my first though is The fuck that smp guy did this time and my brain takes a fucking minute to process that it's a wrong fandom

3 notes - Posted September 23, 2022

#4

WAIT DID THEY REALLY JUST

Did they just take THE SAME Bee and Puppycat and make it LONGER for Netflix??????

Does that mean I didn't have to rewatch it twice in a row to comprehend at least a lil bit what tf was going on???? I had to just wait for a normal show?????

Not like I mind, the cartoon is gorgeous either way (I'm on ep one btw and I think at least the first of Bee's weird dreams looked cooler in the og show) BUT MAN

I never thought I'd actually see the day

6 notes - Posted September 11, 2022

#3

Petition for Dana Terrace to leave our boi Hunter the fuck alone. Our blorbo has suffered enough.

7 notes - Posted October 16, 2022

#2

Hey hermits of tumblr here's a fun challenge for you:

Describe your character quirks i.e. list out habits and traits you have that would make you stand out if you were a character in a work of fiction. This is an exercise in finding something unique about each of us. And also a possible help for writers looking for something to add to their characters ;)

Here's my ✨ character quirks ✨

Hates wearing makeup but likes the process of someone applying makeup on her or doing her hair

Actually uses a set of like a hundred aquarelle pencils instead of eye liner/lipstick/masquerade makeup when she feels extra fancy (usually ends up making rainbow eye liner)

Sometimes acts like a cat around friends she's comfortable with (rubs head, lies with head on knees, purrs when receives pats)

Has a comedic amount of cats (four) and wants more

Has zero coherence in clothing style a bunch of fandom clothes being the only constant thing

Wears exclusively converse spring through autumn (as long as the weather is good enough)

Carries a book around most of the time; in fact spent her prom reading and tuning out the music (which she is extremely proud of and will tell everyone at the first opportune moment)

Swears a whole fucking lot

Quotes memes/films/TV shows a lot or at least really wants to with the only thing stopping her the fact that she knows a quote she has in mind is too niche to be understood

Absolutely cannot sleep with the lights on or during the day; will wake up at dawn if the curtains aren't drawn

Grandma friend: will try to feed you everything there is in the house if you come visit

Some people spend tons of money on clothes; others can't walk past a make-up shop; this bitch has no self-control when entering a bookstore (in fact she would refuse to spend too much on food but then she goes near a bookstore and wakes up an hour later with two bags of books)

Compliments friends in fairly smooth pick-up lines at any given opportunity

8 notes - Posted September 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

19 notes - Posted November 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #love how I actually suddenly became super active here #like literally out of nowhere lmao

[a-lil-strawberry]

I know I have anxiety and depression, but something more is definitely wrong with me. I think I have ADHD or some mild mild mild form of like.... Autism. Idk. Or even ocd. I can't stand being touched, white noises that don't belong or are too loud, people being on my bed. When my mom talks to me for more than like a minute I zone out and can't understand what she's saying anymore and it frustrates me and makes me angry. I can't plan ahead, I literally can't picture a day in the future; it's just now, or not now. I can't use a top sheet because it separates from my other blankets and feels wrong. I can't sleep with certain fabrics. If I've gotten home from work and I'm hungry, I can't eat until I've showered and changed my clothes. I stay stuck on my phone at night when I know I need to go to bed and I'll be thinking "I need to get up" but I'm just frozen, like for hours. Like five hours sometimes. I cannot keep my room tidy. When I was younger and we went to a large church, I couldn't sit in the room when they were doing the music because it was too loud and dark and I would get physically sick. If a guy who I'm attracted to is in my general area I start physically shaking from nervousness and I can't stop shaking for like an hour after they've left. At work I'll start a task and then move on to another task before finishing the first one because I forgot I was doing it. The forgetting! I forget so much. Especially when it comes to planning or talking about the future, or at work if someone's trying to tell me how to do a certain thing, I not only forget it, but during the conversation right in the middle of it I just my brain just goes like old tv static. Or I start thinking about something else and I suddenly realize the person is still talking to me. I have a coworker who plays music from her phone and if I'm nearby I can hear her music plus the music from the store speakers and I literally can't handle it. Even if it was just her phone even, the sound of music coming out of a crappy phone speaker. I cannot stand. If someone touches me like on my skin, and my brain thinks they're dirty, like anybody who I don't know and see as "clean", the feeling of them touching my skin stays with me on that spot until I can wash it off. I bite my nails, I chew and pull at the skin around my nails, I scratch my head, I pick at my face, I pluck hairs just because I like seeing them come out. If I stay over at someone's house and when I come back home my stuff smells different, like their house, even if it's a good smell, I have to wash everything. This is kinda a weak one but I relate to almost every meme or post I see about ADHD experiences. It's just that the physical symptoms of ADHD and anxiety can look the same a lot of the time, so idk if I'm just incredibly anxious and it pushes out these sensory issues, but idk. Idk. I have like literally a million unfinished arts and crafts projects, and projects in general that I've started and lost motivation to finish. At the end of a work day if I think I'm done and suddenly some other task is sprung on me, even if it's small, it feels catastrophic.

Friends with ADHD, if you read all this; what do you think? Am I just clinically anxious or do you think this sounds like ADHD?

[tamiddyinyourcity]

11:30pm.

It feels just like the night I broke up with Patrick #2 tonight.

You know how specific smells bring back memories?

Like how weirdly enough, random smells around my house remind me of the summer fling I had. (Universe, stop reminding me of Patrick #1. He blocked my number. And sure, in the history of me getting my number blocked, thats never stopped me from talking to someone. But alas, somehow my other number never worked.)

Anyway.

Kinda got out my uber and looked up at the full moon, the dark blue sky in contrast to the eerily ginormous and bright full moon, and thought....

"Reminds me of the night I dumped Patrick."

....

I think I did the same thing.

After telling him that I didn't think I wanted to see him again, and exiting his car, crying behind the opposite apartment to mine, and saying some very not so amazing words to a not so amazing girl.... (Her art still sucks, can't lie. Its not atrocious, but its two steps up from a 10 year old's DeviantArt page in 2004, so.)

I think eventually I just looked at the moon, felt the wind blow on me. Cool, crisp wind. Pretty, dark, astoundingly large and vast huge blue sky.

Kinda just letting me get less out of my head and more in the moment.

I'm 90% sure one of my thoughts were, "God, I'm so fucked", due to a planned night of a dual hangout back to back with Patrick, night walking, and WingStop, lead to.... me leaving him.

I'm not sure how to feel.

Earlier tonight, I thought, "I should have left it at that."

But no.

I don't know?

It definitely was not the most mature reaction towards that paranoid ass girl, but to be fair.... bitch made herself look bad. All i can do is say, "I've changed since then and can at least say i tried everything i felt i could", and leave it there.

Otherwise.... He just kept brushing off my concerns.

Valid ones.

To this day, everyone i know still calls him a simp for his actions. Literally a fucking simp.

And.....

I loathe the way things had went down.

But what else was i to do?

I was trying to befriend or at least speak to a girl who I was hearing nonstop shady shit about, from the guy I liked. She refused. He refused to tell me WHY she refused, or even any sort of detail to why she doesnt like me... even when blatantly asked, "so you wouldn't tell me even though it could potentially resolve everything?", more than five fucking times that night.

And he definitely was doing the opposite of making me comfortable; or trying to bother a resolution himself. I wasn't saying they had to stop being friends! Not at all! That was his childhood friend, im not gonna tell him he's gonna lose pussy if he doesnt drop a friend hes had since, what, middle school? Elementary? What?

Then again, he is kinda weird for not having friends outside of two or three people from his old middle school days.... Bro, get social skills--

It was literally just "id be more comfortable if you didnt hang out at extreme late hours with her solo, without me knowing, just until i meet her and know she's chill."

Since I never had a problem with him and any other girl or guy. Chris? Thats his buddy. Amikalae? Yeah, literally birth friends, thats adorable. Audrey, Jasper, anyone? Nah. And you know whyyyyyyy i never had a problem?

1) Since they're all friendly.

2) Since Patrick never actively told me any gossip said about me from them. And definitely not anything thats like, "Oh yeah, we dived through all your tweets, tumblr posts, and are overall fucking weird for no goddamned reason."

That bitch is WEIRD.

I am definitely weird, I know that already. I literally started a relationship with him since it was, "Who is this somewhat attractive nerdy hipster dude following my page?", DM sliding, a meme about peeing in a butt, texting him my phone number, and from then on, boom, somehow that turned into a three month relationship.

Its an unusual meetcute, but not uncommon for the new generation.

And its not tooootally absurd to dive on ONE page.... but, only if you're the person TRYING TO DATE THE INDIVIDUAL, and not their weird best friend.

Like how a guy looking at my photos from 2018 on my Instagram? Cool. My highlights? Yeah. Thats just him, being a healthy amount of nosey and horny for a new girl he likes.

Its a..... completely.... weirder vibe..... to.... do that..... as someone who is.... not.... involved....

Unless Azalea wanted to pull a Mr. Steal Yo Girl, then I don't get the point of post diving me?

On one page? Fine.

On..... several pages, even ones that literally NO ONE ELSE IN MY LIFE know about? (I only have one person from the real world following this blog, and the other 25 followers are just bots, or hypergamy blogs, since they never follow my side blog.....)

Thaaaats when it gets weird.

Plus the additional information of her:

Sending him tumblr posts ive made. (Patrick already knew about Other Patrick, my exes, open relationship, and more..... fuck you azalea, go wash your hair and get a hobby.)

Supposedly complaining about my twitter posts about Patrick, including a horny one i made. (I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe it showed up in her timeline from him liking the post or something, but jeeeeez. Before i knew twitter did that, i thought "how did she even find that post?????", since i scroll heeeeella far down my own page.... and didnt find the specific tweet until miiiiiiiles down. So, extreme lurking def was sus.)

Still checking this page, a month after me and him seperated, just to mock me to him.... Girl, clearly your homeboy wants to move on, and/or fuck me senseless, what good comes from sending him my posts? Homie already knows i over share into the void. Weirdo.

Her randomly reading my blog/twitter/more, even when it wasnt necessary.... and holding onto whatever shit she learned from lurking, or assumed herself, as something to "not trust me over" several months later....

I see why Patrick would assume telling me MORE would have added wood and gasoline to the flame the night we broke up.

But.... by then, it was literally all i asked for.

Since nothing makes a girl less comfortable than seeing the guy she thought liked her, go, "I plan to see her whenever, and wherever", and can't even agree to a hypothetical ass situation that would rarely even happen, and more.....

God, ill have a stroke if i need to reexplain my upset.

No girl wants her boyfriend to keep secrets from her, and be more prone to honesty with the girl who hates you blindly, than with you.

Been there. Not going back again.

Left since it was the only way I could avoid a lifetime of him doing that.

Placing me second.

You arent King Arthur, nigga, and she aint Anne Boleyn. Fuck you, i will leave instead of bother with tons of paranoia, just for you to not so much as make an effort for a resolution, nor her.

It reeked of immaturity and a lack of trust in all areas.

I.... knew i shouldn't have dated him.

Thats all.

Peace out. Unless ur name is a bush.

[dearchuchu]

Long version.

I'm going to assume anyone who wants the long version is going to read the short version. So I'll skip what was covered there and go into the details.

I had mini bottles, but I drank them all by dinner time with the idea I would just pick up some more for the long flight in San Fransisco. The closest liquor store was about a mile and a half away from our hotel out by the airport, and Mandy, who didn't know my plan didn't like my plan. She also didn't like that I drank my mini bottles that were for the big flight. I always planned on this, but neglected to tell her.

An Uber to the liquor store was 7 dollars one way. Man San Fransisco is expensive. I told Mandy, who was not happy with the idea of spending 14 dollars to go buy mini bottles that I already had (and drank), to go spend MORE money on MORE mini bottles. I, however disagreed.

I decided, it's only a mile and a half, I'll walk. 50 minutes or so, no big deal. Mandy wasn't keen on that idea, but it was much cheaper than Uber. Then I remembered, "Wait, didn't bird start here?" Yes the scooter company bird is in San Fransisco. I said, "I'll just scoot up there!" Alas, no bird scooters out by the airport hotels. Then I remembered I have lime on my phone too! So I loaded up the lime app, and sure enough, there was a lime scooter on my way!

I located the lime, and it's a bike. I think, "that's fine, biking will still cut off at least half the time!" I unlock it, and the lights don't work. It's night time now, so it's dark. I thought, "Wow, this isn't very safe. You'd think lime would have lights on their bikes." I ride up to the liquor store, which ended up being in a nice section of suburban San Francisco. Once in the well lit area I noticed the bike said "ebike" on it, and I saw the motor for pedal assist. It turns out the lime I got was a lemon. It did have lights, the bike was just broken.

I get my WAY overpriced mini bottles, and then look for another bike, this one, hopefully not broken. I find one quickly, and it works great, lights and everything. Let me just say this, pedal assist bikes are super fun! I flew on the way back to the hotel! If you get a chance, ride one, the motor does all the work for you! I even made Mandy try it when I got back to the hotel. She had to admit, even as someone that doesn't enjoy riding bikes, it was pretty cool.

We both get a crappy night sleep, then eat a pretty good hotel breakfast, then off to the airport. Customs was stressful, as it always is, but the agents were in good spirits, because the TSA in San Fransisco is ran by a private company, so they are still getting paid despite the government shutdown. We find our gate, and get the last few things that we need to do online done before leaving the country for a while. Mandy doing work, me looking at cat memes.

Finally we board our plane, we're all set to go, and we sit. Then we sit. We sit some more, then we sit. Then Mandy points out it's been an hour and we haven't moved. No word from the captain, no word from the crew. Just an hour straight of sitting in a tarmac. The guy next to us, which was clearly flying internationally for the first time asked a passing stewardess, "Hey, what's going on? When are we taking off?" And she said "10 minute." Which is obviously bullshit.

We have a friend who works for Delta, and since we're still on the ground in America, we could still contact her, so we gave her the old "What's going on?" text. She looked into it, bad wind off the coast, Delta flights are delayed by 45 minutes. We watched several planes from several other providers take off, or taxi right behind us. We just sat. It was an hour and fifty minutes before we started moving. The FAA says that after 2 hours they have to provide you with a meal. They got in JUST under the buzzer.

I have no idea why we sat there. There was no work being done, no repairs. Delta got all their flights out in 45 minutes. There we sat. The captain never said a word. The staff said nothing. The only reason we knew anything is we have a friend in the industry. We flew China Eastern, for the record. This was strike one.

We get up in the air, and about two hours later they served our meal, 4 hours after getting on the plane. I could tell the service was going to suck, so I asked for a glass of wine, and a beer, and the flight attendant looked like I just kicked his dog. TWO drinks at the same time? Impossible. He did it, but you could tell it bothered him. I'm personally super glad I did.

The food comes after the drinks and the same guy starts handing us food, and we are like, "Woah buddy, what are the options?" This is when it becomes clear none of the staff speaks English. I mean enough for one to two words here or there, but clearly no real grasp of English. Strike two. He responds "Pork fried rice." Now if any of you are unaware, I haven't been eating pork. It's actually been well over a year, almost two now. I've made one or two exceptions, but those were always my decision.

Mandy says, "What about chicken?" He says "No. Pork fried rice." Luckily for me, I already decided I was going to eat pork on this trip, because the Philippines LOVE pork. In fact, in the first hour of being here we already saw a whole pig roasting on a pit in someone's back yard. What's important here is that I had already decided I could eat pork. I didn't want to on the plane, but with a 12 hour flight (14 with the delay), I had no options. Literally. Now the vegetarian behind me... He had quite a bit less options. I think he just didn't eat. Strike three.

It's important to note when we asked for our wine, he used the small cup, and poured a half pour. He also just had a sour expression on his face when he delt with us. I say "he" because we only delt with one guy for the whole flight. He then turned to the Chinese people across the row from us chatted them up enthusiastically, got out a big cup, and filled it up with wine. To the top. Mandy and I looked at each other like, "Are you seeing this shit?" First overt sign of racism, and that's a strike four.

After lunch, they got our trash, and no staff was to be seen or heard of again for four hours. No water. No snacks. Nothing. So in the 8 hours we were on the plane so far we got one shitty meal (did I mention it was horrible?) One glass of wine each, and one can of beer. At the 8 hour mark they came around with water, and we got yet again, the small glass, and a half pour... Of water. The Chinese people got full pours in big glasses. Strike five.

Two hours after our water (which after that first water, they came by on the hour with water) they brought out no doubt the shittiest sandwich I've ever seen in my life. I'm not exaggerating. This sandwich was, a half a piece of bread, with a meat we couldn't identify, no sauce, another half price of bread, then a wilted piece of lettuce the size of a half dollar, that I would have definitely thrown away in my kitchen, no sauce, then another half piece of bread. We were pretty sure this was going to be our last meal on the plane, and we debated eating it or not... But decided we would risk food poisoning because WE HAD NO OTHER OPTIONS. Strike six.

Two hours after that, about an hour from landing they come around with another meal, much to our surprise. Our dude comes up to us and just started to put a food tray on Mandy's lap (I was in the bathroom) she had to ask, "what is this?" And he said "pork" and she said, "Do I not get any options? Is that all there is? Just fried rice pork?" I'm walking up as he goes, "omelet." She says in her SUPER sweet "Fuck you" voice, "Yeah I'll have the omelet then." As I sit down I say, "Yeah I'll have the same. Also can I get a beer?" He just says "No." And pushed the cart away. Ok. Strike seven.

The omelette was covered with greasy soggy bacon. I thought to myself, "good thing I'm ok with this. Poor vegetarian behind me." My guess is, he just didn't eat. For 14 hours. Also, they made Mandy and myself raise our seats to upright while we ate, not the people in front of us, or any other other Chinese people. Outright racism. When they were breaking down the trash, our guy walks by me with an empty beer can from a couple rows up of, you guessed it, Chinese people. It dawned on me he never said, "No, we're out of beer" which is what I assumed. He just said "No." Blatant racism. Strike eight.

Had I not brought mini bottles, I would have been provided with one beer, and one half of a small cup of wine (about a quarter of a glass) for a 14 hour plane ride. Fucking ridiculous. Unacceptable. I will never in my life ride on China Eastern. I will tell everyone who will listen to me to never ride on China Eastern. Don't ride on China Eastern. Don't give them money. Their staff is racist towards white people. It's understandable if you have a domestic Chinese flight to have your staff not speak English, but if the flight originated in the USA, they should at least be able to answer simple questions.

If for some reason this should end up in front of someone at China Eastern, I don't want free rides, just fix your shit.

So we land, we're at the back of the plane, and our bags are no where near us. This is because the plane is full of people that are carrying 3 to 4 carry on "bags" and cramming shit in the overhead that doesn't belong. We decided to just wait it out and keep an eye on our bags until everyone gets done. The Chinese in my experience push and shove, and don't make lines. This is exactly what happened. They push and shove to be the first to get off the plane, to push and shove to be the first on a bus to take us to the terminal. Mandy and I calmly collect our belongings, and get on the bus patiently, and then the doors close, and we head to the terminal. Golf clap for the Chinese. Well played.

Even though we aren't leaving the terminal, we still have to go through customs in China, which consists of 1 getting your finger prints scanned. 2 scanning your ticket and passport, and 3 going to the terminal. There are self finger print scanners at the beginning of the airport, but literally no one uses them. I say "hey Mandy, shouldn't we scan our fingerprints?" She says, "nobody else is, there's probably more further on." There weren't. I said, "Just because everyone is passing it up doesn't mean they are all right." We debated for a second, then just went on with everyone else. Not ideal.

Meanwhile there are passport control people running through the crowd shouting "MANILA MANILA 10 MINUTES THEY SHUT GATE MANILA MANILA!" See, since our plane was 2 hours late, everyone going to Manila was going to miss their flight. This led to the unorganized shit show we expected in China. People NOT going to Manila started running behind these people. Everyone followed into the self serve line, none of them had their fingerprint scans. You can't use self checkout without the receipt from your fingerprint scans. Manila was being let through without it, because they were literally missing their flight. Quickly the agent figured out the entire line eventually was just people blindly running after them, none of them had the correct information, and none of them could go through.

One by one, after waiting through about 30 minutes in self check out, people were sent back to the back of the line to check in with an officer. The fingerprint scanner was in a section that once you left, you couldn't go back in there. It seems logical if you don't think about it.

The check out by a person line takes about an hour. They were randomly letting people skip the fingerprint just to keep the line moving at self check out, that line was shorter, so we tried to see if maybe they would randomly let us through. They did not. They scanned our face, scanned our passport, scanned our ticket, then pointed to the back of the line.

At no point did anyone try to explain what was going on, in English, or Chinese. This could have saved people (read us) at least an hour. "If you have fingerprint, line here, no fingerprint, line here" is that hard? When we finally get to customs (again) they... Wait for it.. take my picture, scan my ticket, scan my passport, and then tell me to go in to the terminal. They did NOT get my fingerprints. They did NOT stamp my passport. Seriously. You can't make this shit up. They made me wait in line for an hour to do the thing they already did, but then just wouldn't let me in.

Now for security. First, we notice no one is taking their shoes off, and Mandy asks me, "Do we have to take our shoes off?" And I go, "I don't think so" and when we get up she asks, "Do we have to take our shoes off?" And the lady said "Yes. Shoes off." Literally a Chinese couple in front of us is going through the metal detector with shoes on. Mandy goes, "They're wearing shoes" and this woman from the people's republic of China looks Mandy in the eyes and says, "No they aren't."

"No they aren't." Let that sink in.

So we take off our shoes. I have 2 of my 6 mini bottles left, which they pull out, say something to the other people in Chinese, and then laugh. I think it was good hearted, but, I don't know the language. We make it through, or so I think, until one guy goes, "Take out power pack." I'm like "Oh, yeah I forgot that in my pack. Sure here." He looks it over, flips it around, and says, "No. You can not take." I'm like "Seriously? Why not? I flew here with that. I've flown all over the world with that!" And he says "I can't tell how strong it is, it's not printed." Which is true, because it's been rubbed off from use. The technical info isn't on there. I used that battery 5 days a week for work. It's been on 4 continents. I've flown with it countless times. Now it's stuck in China.

Mandy got super pissed and started to go off, and I stopped her and said, "It's not worth it. We'll have to get another one." China is not a free state. They don't have freedom of speech. The last thing I want is for this to escalate at all. I just said, "Keep it." And we left it. There was no reason for him to confiscate it. At all. I've never had anyone ever even glance at it. Ever. In any country. Ever. Except racist ass China.

At this point, we just wanted to get the fuck out of China. So this is my final point about China.. I kinda wanted to go at some point, Mandy kind of didn't want to go. Traveling with the Chinese, they are rude, pushy, inconsiderate, don't follow any local customs, they let their kids piss and shit in the street (I've seen it multiple times), and they just suck in general. These are my observations from traveling with the Chinese abroad. Traveling with them on their home turf, turns out they are racist against me as well. That being said, thanks but no thanks. China is officially off my list of countries I will visit. I now have absolutely no desire to go to China. We will never ride any Chinese airline ever again, no matter how good the ticket price. I'll never pay someone to treat me like a piece of shit.

Anywho, we have a bit of a panic getting on our last flight to the Philippines because our gate had only our flight on it, and they randomly closed it. We didn't know what time it was in China, and there were no clocks in the airport (which is insane). We went to get a drink, and our flight was a 9:20. At the restaurant we went to they said, "No food, just drinks" we said, "Ok we will do drinks." She said ok, the we ordered two Johnny Walker blacks, the lady then said, "No. Only beer." And I'm looking at the bottle with my eyes, and we're like, "uhhhh" she then said, we "We close at 9. Only beer." Which were 6 dollars for VERY blah Chinese beers. No thanks.

Well, now we're thinking it's like 5 till or something, then we see our gate is closed, and they're people going dowm an escalator towards our gate, towards our plane. We panic a little, then a bilingual girl comes up, and she straight up goes into full panic. "The gates are closed!" Then some Chinese. She takes off, we follow, she finds someone who works at the airport, hurried Chinese speech, then she takes off, we follow her. She's trying to find a way to that escalator, we are too. She gets us pretty worked up... Finally I'm like, "I'm just going to turn on my phone for a second for it to update to Shang Hai time." it connects... It's 8:18. After running around.

Yet again, we close at 9, so we can't serve you anything but beer... At our restaurant. Racist bullshit.

We get on the plane, no TV on this one, so 4 hours of silence. Everyone tried to sleep anyways. Everyone on this flight was on a similar ordeal as we were. Everyone used China as a layover, so they are all as exhausted as we are. When we land the plane erupts in laughter and applause. We made it. We fucking made it.

Well, to the Philippines. We still had a bit to go to get to our island... For sure. I'll post the rest of the long version later.