#I wouldn't call them intrusive thoughts more like... intrusive associations? Like my brain is making these associations and I'm like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

transaurus · 4 years

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any advice about getting over fears about doing anything/owning anything typically associated with my birth gender in fear of everyone calling me a trender? I want to do what I like, but also don't want to feel like sh*t lol

just gonna start by saying transmeds/truscum/TERFs/transmisogynists/generally shitty people DNI

also I got a little distracted by the fact that you censored shit because I forget that people consider shit a swear word, like I think it's just a very desi thing, I was allowed to say shit before I was allowed to say damn so it's just very amusing to me but anyway

okay I know I'm like relatively young but thinking back on it feels like a long time ago because I realised I'm trans about four years ago and it took me a few months at least to be able to even just wear pink without feeling extremely dysphoric (which doesn't make any sense because I've never been particularly masculine in my gender expression or hobbies) so I think part of it was just coming to terms with my transness and just telling myself that wearing makeup or liking sewing doesn't make me a girl and it doesn't invalidate my gender identity

a lot of the time, I did (and occasionally still do) treat my own dysphoric/invalidating thoughts like I treat my intrusive thoughts, like my brain will be like "iF yOuRe A bOy WhY dO yOu WeAr MaKeUp" and I'll just imagine it's a Karen™️ saying that to me so it's a lot easier to ignore and shrug off.

also surround yourself with people who support you!! like for the longest time I'd only wear makeup around my then-partner because I was scared of what my friends would say even though I knew they wouldn't mind, I just didn't feel ready? but just having someone who would compliment my makeup without invalidating me helped so much because then I started thinking that like if they can still see me as a boy, why can't I? and if one of my trans friends did/wore something that was stereotyped as something for their agab I wouldn't think that makes them their agab so why do I do that to myself? it's a lot of challenging personal biases and double standards (which also applies to things like body positivity) which tbh also just makes you a better person

also I think don't throw yourself into the deep end. like three-ish years ago I started painting my nails again and then wearing eyeliner again and then I added lipstick and then eyeshadow, etc. and it is something that is going to take time. like I wore a skirt last week for the first time in almost five years and I looked great and I felt great but I still couldn't shake the whole "if I go out in this, people are gonna think I'm a girl" and it's hard because I have a really "feminine" voice anyway so even when I do pass people just think I'm 12 and I don't think the social dysphoria is gonna go away anytime soon, probably not until I start t at least so it's something I've gotta work on in a not-caring-how-people-see-me way which is so much easier to do for who I am as a person than it is to do for dysphoria. I also started doing more feminine things in a social environment at school because it's an "all girls" school but I'm openly out and a pain in every transphobic teacher's ass so I can do whatever I want and they have to use the right name and pronouns which is affirming in its own way I guess. it is definitely something that's gonna take time so don't rush yourself or pressure yourself, start by doing things just when you're on your own, take pictures for yourself, and only when you feel ready, show those pictures to close friends or family or go to a friend's house in makeup/with a bit of facial hair/anything else that is typically associated with your agab

also like I'm growing my hair out a little, I've wanted to for so long but I was putting it off till I start t but then lockdown happened so I was like I'm gonna grow it out but I'll cut it short before school starts but I've spent a lot of quarantine thinking about my relationship with gender, what I'm comfortable with, what makes me happy and I definitely don't have all the answers but I know that I look cute with long hair and that makeup makes me happy and that I feel confident in crop tops and skirts so I think just thinking about it as "this makes me happy and it's not hurting anyone so there's no reason not to do it." also even with longer hair and makeup and skirts, I'll look in the mirror and see a boy because I am a boy so no matter what I look like, I always look like a boy and I think I can do that now because I spent years telling myself that and reassuring myself so I'm finally at a place where, even when I have bad dysphoria days, I still don't see myself as anything except a boy

I definitely waffled sorry, but tl;dr at the end of the day, take your time and just understand that these things don't make your gender identity less valid, they just make you happier. also (this bit applies to everyone) if you're not out or your friends/family aren't supportive or you're just not ready to show them things you do that are associated with your agab or anything else, I am always here. send submissions or asks or shoot me a message, I am always here to talk, to listen, to shower you with compliments, whatever you need 💛

#long post #transgender #trans #trans advice #lgbt community #lgbt #lgbtq #trans community

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