#I want to bawl when I see an elderly couple shopping together. I want to choke myself out when someone mentions their grandma

[lessy-my-depressy-and-stressy]

According to the Encyclopedia of Elderly Assholes, I’m empty inside and a raging bitch.

My aunt just died. I drove my grandma down to their house and I’m staying with her to ground her. I’m two months shy of 18 so I’m not excatly a little kid, but the other people there were ranging from like 36yrs to 90yrs. There were only 2 kids. One 7yr and one 10yr.

Everyone is completely devastated and giving off some wicked bad vibes. There was probably 30ish people in like a 1200ft sq house and medium-sized yard. (I also have bad social anxiety) I only knew like one person and that was my uncle... well... he was a fucking mess...

Anyway, everyone is throwing around boxes of tissues and breaking down in each other’s arms and I’m just kinda standing there with a (hopefully) reassuring hand on the small of my grandma’s back.

SMALL BACKSTORY —— I just got back into town from picking up my little sister and going grocery shopping so I had on casual clothes. A black t-shirt that has a cartoon ghost that says “BACK ON MY BOO SHIT” and some green jeans with fashion tears in them. I also have my tri-colored-blue hair in a messy man bun. No makeup on. And Jesus-sandals that show my foot tattoos. ...

Anyway... I pull up to the house and go in with my arms full of groceries and my grandma is in the living room just bawling her eyes out. My sis immediately goes to her so I put the bags on the counters and make my way to her. I got her calmed down enough to tell me that : “Your Uncle ____ came home about 10mins ago and found your Aunt ____ dead.”

So... I should’ve been sad... but I didn’t feel anything... All day I had been feeling like something BAD was gonna happen and I’ve been kind of void of emotion, but I figured something was gonna happen to me.

I didn’t have time to change because I put my sis to work putting up groceries and I left her with her grandpa. I loaded my grandma up and drove her down to the house (about 15 mins away). I looked like crap, but I was only focused on getting my grandma to their house. —— BACK STORY OVER

Well, we saw them put Aunt ____’s body in an ambulance and go, so I had a hysterical grandmother to watch out for. Then the forensics person came out the house with the camera equipment and evidence bags (whenever someone dies at their house, especially with a spouse present, homicide has to be ruled out). He went to his truck and was about to open his door when he waved at me. I couldn’t help myself, (I want to be a forensic scientist. I’ve already got an associate’s) I asked him just a couple simple questions about the job and the lifestyle. Nothing incriminating or what I thought was too dark. He happily answered, then was on his way.

A-fucking-pparently... that was like a major no-no. I got called “heartless” and “bitch” and, get this y’all, a freaking “psychopathic Bitch”. That was a pretty good one. I hadn’t been called that before. I didn’t even ask anything about how my aunt died or when she died or what the cause of death was. I just asked questions like: “is this job fulfilling” “do you think they pay-per-work ratio is fair” “does your department and others work well together” “does this job ever get to be ‘too much’ ”... I just wanted to ask benefitial questions, but according to some of the elderly woman, I was just being a psychopathic bitch.

This whole time my face has just been void of emotion because I wasn’t feeling any. And also, at this point, I didn’t even try to put a mask on cause everyone seemed to hate me anyway.

I got so many nasty glares and even some comments. Apparently I was just another “unempathetic gen-z Bitch”. Like... what the heck. I’m just here as an anchor man. I wasn’t even causing trouble. I kept my grandma grounded and (kids always flock to me for some reason) I kept the kids happy and mostly-tear-free for the 3.5hrs we were there. I pretended to be locked in a cage (the 7yr was a genie and the 10yr was a prison warden) for 45minutes out in the heat and mosquitoes to keep THEIR kids/grandkids happy and they had the AUDACITY to poke the bear - bear being me.

I have this rule that I do not fight the elderly, I do not fight the fatally ill, and I do not fight respectable people. Basically, I have some morals. Oh, but my word, I have never wanted to knock a granny’s dentures out so badly. I get it, Karen, for some reason I just don’t really care. People die all the time. Hell, I don’t really care if I die at this point, but I came here to show my respects and offer what comfort I can and I’m getting bullied for it.

At one point another woman I notice came in with a 3mnth old and handed him off to me and went inside, and guess what? .... I just got EVEN MORE and EVEN WORSE looks.

MORE BACKSTORY —— I’m on antidepressants. I have been for quite some time. Sometimes I just have days where I don’t really feel that many emotions and there’s nothing I can do. I just usually sleep a lot and read on those types of days. So, I already knew there wasn’t much I could do. Maybe a couple days down the road I would breakdown, but probably not. —— MORE BACKSTORY OVER

Even though I was in a bad place, I took care of the kids and fought off my social anxiety, dislike of people, bugs, and heat and tried to care for people in anyway I could... Am I really that bad of a person?

At one point just about every person there, including my grandma and two of the three kids, started praying at one time. And for the first time that day, I felt real emotion (besides anger)... that emotion... was fucking nausea.

I was already semi-freaked out because the whole day I couldn’t really feel anything, then I started getting panicky because it’s like the whole mourning house was RADIATING with grief to the point I swear I could almost SEE it, TTHHEENN I felt nauseous when the room full of people started collectively praying.

(I don’t pray and I don’t really believe in anything I can’t see first hand. I’m not religious. I wouldn’t say I’m an Athiest or anything. I’m just not a religious person. Spiritual, yes. Open minded, yes. Religous, no.)

I’m pretty sure I’m like a demon or some shit. I was standing off to the side probably looking somewhere between uncomfortable and confused and how-the-hell-can-I-leave-without-causing-a-scene. I still had the fucking baby in my arms. The baby had his head on my shoulder asleep and I was lightly bouncing him and the mother practically bolted over to me and snatched him out of my arms with disgust written clear as day on her face. I almost socked her for waking that baby and scaring him really bad. He screamed and I thought she hurt him.

I just don’t understand why people were so mean to me. I tried to understand they were grieving and I went around offering cold waters and tissues but people would either turn away with disgust or pretend like I wasn’t even there. Only one person took a water bottle and two people took tissues.

...Was I wrong? Did they have a right to hate me? I’m just so damned confused. I nearly spoke a paragraph of words the whole time we were there. Did I deserve their unkindness? I’m so done with life. This is why I don’t do shit for people anymore.

Can someone PLEASE explain what I did wrong? I wasn’t trying to be heartless.