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londontantric-blog1 · 4 years

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Sex, Drugs, and Rock

The area that is now known as Turkey played a major role in the Mystery Religions. The use of drugs to create "religious" experiences was developed to a fine art by various occult fraternal mystery religion groups in the Turkey area. The Assassins from where we get the word hashish controlled parts of Turkey and Lebanon in Medieval times. They used drugs to gain the allegiance of their recruits. Some of the most powerful figures for the Illuminati have been Turks. The Grand Orient has had some powerful figures in Turkey. For instance, at the Masonic Congress of all the Grand Orients' (that's European Freemasonry- although several American presidents have been members of European Freemasonry) Grand Lodges, Bou Achmed came from Turkey. The Grand Lodge of Asia was represented by Sebeyck-Kadir from Asia. Bou Achmed took a big role in the Grand Orient's decisions.

As an aside, let me explain one example of the power of the Grand Orient in America. The Grand Orient was originally strong in Louisiana but spread itself to many other US. locations. Garfield, a very powerful man in the Grand Orient, managed to become US. President because the political process got deadlocked at the convention and the Masons suggested him as a compromise candidate. Although Garfield was an extremely powerful Mason, had been perhaps the youngest general in the US. Army during the Civil War, the Illuminati ordered him shot after he had served about a year in office as President. Garfield was reported by an eye-witness to Satanic rituals to have participated in the cannibalistic rites of Satanism done to gain the spiritual power of the eaten person. The Grand Orient Freemasonry has been linked to other orders of Freemasonry that are also called Rosicrucians. Pope John XXIII joined a Rosicrucian group that had links to European Freemasonry when he was in Turkey.

While the secret Grand Orient Freemasonry was very strong in Turkey in spite of its small numbers, the regular American Freemasonry granted a dispensation for a Masonic Lodge to operate in Smyrna, Turkey in May, 1863 but the charters were withdrawn on Aug. 27, 1880. However, it is interesting that of all the Turkish cities, Smyrna was definitely the best place for Freemasonry to gain recruits. Men like Achmed Pasha and many of the other Pasha family have been leaders within Freemasonry and the Illuminati. Achmed Pasha was a Satanist and had a large harem. Mehmet Talaat Pasha (1872-1921) was a Freemason and part of the Turkish revolution of 1908. He was the leader of the Young Turks, which was a joint project of the Sufis and the Frankist Satanists. (The type of Satanism led by the Frank family has had connections to Turkey for hundreds of years.) Mehmet Talaat Pasha was the Grand Master of the Grand Orient of Turkey. He was held the political position in Turkey of grand vizier of Turkey (1917-18). Another Turkish Pasha was part of the Turkish royalty running Egypt when Egypt was part of the Ottoman Empire. His name was Khedive Ismail Pasha and he was Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of Egypt. It was this Turk, Khedive Ismail Pasha, who gave the famous Obelisk to the United States. This Obelisk was called Cleopatra's Needle and was originally erected in the city of the sun, Heliopolis, about 1500 B.C. The Obelisk is a representation of a human penis, because sun worship, worship of regeneration (sex) and worship of the sun god Satan were all tied together. Masons helped with the moving of the obelisk, and its dedication when it arrived in New York City. Large obelisks have been erected by Masons in New York, Washington D.C., Paris, the Vatican, and London. (If my memory serves me correct Berlin received one too at one time.)" (1)

Notice the importance of Smyrna as a source of Freemasonry here. That is where the Onassis family has operated potion-pushing or altered consciousness drugs for millennia.

Sometimes, when my tiny head is spinning with disinfotainment and other artifacts of the mediasphere, I try to think what archaeologists and social historians 2,000 years from now might make of our particular little epoch. How, for instance, would they parse the word "drug"?

Is a "drug dealer" a pharmacist or a petty criminal? When we talk about "reasonably priced drugs for seniors," are we discussing marijuana or Lipitor {or Levitra}? What would they make of the fact that the last four American administrations have declared a "war on drugs" while taking money from drug companies?

Why is it bad when residents of Colombia build mansions from profits on the sale of drugs, but it's good when residents of Newport, R.I., do the same thing? When one person cannot live without "lifesaving drugs," we express great sympathy, unless that person is a "drug addict," in which case we may even throw him in jail. When a mood-altering drug is sold in pill form in stores, it's called an antidepressant and hailed as a medical breakthrough. When a mood-altering drug is sold on the streets, it's called felony drug trafficking and subject to stiff criminal penalties. see here london tantric

Because we are native speakers of Americanadianese, we can wend our way through the contradictions. We know that the bad drugs are the ones the cause euphoria and impair judgment, unless the drug is alcohol, but that's not ever called a drug, so there's no confusion there. We know that the good drugs are the ones that cure diseases or relieve symptoms, except sometimes the good drugs are ineffective or even counterproductive in achieving those goals.

Street dealers do not finance experimental trials on the effectiveness of the drugs they sell. Drug companies do, but they fudge the results. Street dealers have a small feedback loop because customers can tell pretty quickly whether they're loaded or not. Drug companies have a long feedback loop because human beings can't instantly tell whether their cholesterol is being lowered or their blood thinned or their insulin production stimulated. A drug with a long feedback loop is clearly more profitable than one with a short feedback loop because the dealer can keep an ineffective drug on the shelves much longer.

Interestingly, the people who sell ineffective drugs are generally said to have made "honest mistakes." If a street dealer sold you an ineffective drug, you could take five of your friends and go back and have a brisk conversation with him. If a behind-the-counter dealer sold you an ineffective drug, you'd have to hire a lawyer and file a lawsuit and maybe, maybe, 10 years later you'd get some money, although probably you'd be dead by then.

Street dealers don't have patents on their drugs, which means that they'll always have plenty of competition. Drug companies do have patents, so they can set their prices without worrying about market economics. And when their patents run out, they can put out a drug with a slightly different formulation, promote it like mad and sell the new drug in a monopolistic setting {With government mandated market support in order to manage the 'money-trees' while building bureaucracy.}. You have to wonder when street dealers are going to come up with Cocaine XR or LSD Reditabs.

Since the street dealer works in a competitive atmosphere, he has to keep his prices relatively low. In order to increase his profitability, he can "step on" his product, that is, dilute it. It would be unwise for a drug company to adulterate its product, but since it owns a monopoly, it can set prices artificially high and achieve the same profitability levels. A street dealer who knowingly poisons his clientele is called "the scum of the earth." A drug corporation that knowingly poisons its clientele is called "a tobacco company." People who sell illegal drugs often rot in jail for 20 or 30 years. People who sell legal drugs are often forced to attend tedious daylong board meetings. People who take illegal drugs are called "losers." People who take legal drugs are called "everyone in America."

Glad I'm not an archaeologist in 4040; my brain would ache a whole lot.

One pill makes you larger, and one pill puts you in jail, and please do not operate heavy machinery with the ones that mother gives you. {My ex-roommate was being told to apply for his old job as a forklift truck operator while being given drugs for Schizophrenia which he did not have. He was no liar and could not expose a potential employer to the insurance risks or his fellow employees to the life threat this would entail. Many drugs people use are impairing their driving prowess, and there are laws to take away their license that go unenforced.}

Driving that train, high on ethyl 4-1-piperidinecarboxylate.

Homeopathy:

It is a wonderful thing to have the Joy of Learning and to make a career that you find is related to your studies. There are so many ways to get a Doctor label and thus claim expertise in the many fields and disciplines which we have broken knowledge into. Some of this is counter to real expertise and much of it just sets people apart from knowledge and each other. But people are also being segmented into classes within the hierarchy of government backed by and for elites in all so many ways. Medicine has been one of their more dastardly tools alongside religion. This next little factoid reminds me of how Edward Gibbon almost died because the British Medical system would not approve vaccinations through use of scabs as had been done by the likes of Paracelsus or others in antiquity and which was approved in the France of his era.

"When the Cholera epidemic reached England, it provided another opportunity to compare homeopathic treatment with the conventional methods of the day. Regular allopathic medicine yielded a mortality rate of 59 percent compared to only 16 percent for the Homeopaths. (2) When these statistics were collected, the information was so startling that a medical commission was sent to the London Homeopathic Hospital to check the records. Though the data were duly verified, it was decided not to make them public, and the facts were not released until a hundred years later." (3)

The formation of the American Medical Association is a major issue against alternative healing or real care for people. In the late 19th Century as these issues were becoming apparent there were many who knew that the allopaths or medical doctors selling laudanum and the like were actually the 'Killing-trade'. There are signs that stress management (don't fret - sweat or exercise) and the connectiveness to the 'all' around us are again making a play to be considered in health maintenance. Vitamins and supplements are able to prove to even the most duped person receiving medical care that they work and yet some doctor's groups and the governments that back them still disqualify doctors who advise their usage.

Academics are subject to a 'Knowledge Filter' (Berkeley Law Professor - Johnson) or Literary Theory (UBC English Professor Graham Good) and the outright suppression of creative or thoughtful and meaningful potentials. (4) The concept of Bucky Fuller called 'the observer of the observed' and his more detailed 'creative realization' is part of what operates as we 'project' upon reality. For example the things we see are actually a mixture of fields of energy from the dross and less excited to the highly excited or vibrational energy inside the atomic structures. One way of visualizing this includes an aura, which is the field of energy not usually visible but associated with the solar body and integrative centers called chakras. Perhaps we could contemplate a time when all people had the ability to see or sense auras. In our socially normed 'projections' that include telling our children certain things do not exist, we have lost the conscious integration or incorporation of these fields of reality.

Psychic surgeons in the Philippines and Brazil have had their energy measured during operations at the same vibration rate of 7.8 cycles. It started me thinking about how we can alter our state and how others might perceive us in these altered states. Clearly if anyone could see all the spaces between our electrons and the nuclei or between the different atoms and molecules we wouldn't seem solid by a long shot. Thus these surgeons who use no utensils would be able to energize the infected or diseased body part or tumor to remove it at an altered vibration level. There have been solid documentaries with such credible support as X-rays before a San Francisco businessman had such a tumor removed and X-rays a year later showing it hadn't returned. In the end you must decide who has the most to gain from the arguments and whether or not you want to actualize your own potential. Once you do a few things the debunkers say are impossible - then a smile will come to your face; and the intellectual conflict loses all import.

String Theory knows about the harmonic forces that are less than solid which somehow combine to make what we perceive as a solid. The astrophysicists now have told us that 95% of the universe is 'Dark Matter' or 'Dark Energy' - so get with it before you are invisible and don't know it! Just kidding! We fear that which we cannot fully comprehend and our experts or priests and doctors include many enablers of our fears. We even allow fear to pre-empt love; which is ironic because at the end of our lives it's not the fears or the differences that matter the most but whether we loved and allowed ourselves to be loved as much as possible.

"Every new perception of knowledge is always based either directly or indirectly on older knowledge. InteliTapping allows us to connect with the oldest, yet most complete source of knowledge." (5)

Nature produced a show on the origins of music and the biological and archetypal impact it has had on our evolution and emotional wherewithal. Along with reed instruments from as long ago as 60,000 years that obviously show sophisticated development of technology, they had the cave operas of those who rubbed and drummed on stalactites. They posited that the tree-swinging hominid that like the Sumatran Gibbon co-ordinates community for protection through territorial chants, is not so much less aware as most of our great Lockean influenced academics seem to be. These animals also learned what plants are dangerous and what plants alter your spiritual consciousness. You can see it when your puppy goes outside for the first time and chews on some grass to settle its tummy. Our genes contain a lot of information or the ability to tap-in to much knowledge. The buzz you get from 'weed' is the buzz coming from your Thalami and Third Eye or Pineal gland that has a crystal radio receiver and grains or crystalline structures. Crystalline structures like quartz were known to be useful in the Lost Chord of the Druids and more ancient shamans. There are magnificent quartz caves in Central America and other places that would have been used by early hominids for a certainty.

The Best Body Language - Sex:

Long before Tantra or Bhakti Yoga there were many things ancients probably learned from intercourse, even more than most people do today. Today we have drugs like Viagra to enhance the longevity of the sexual encounter. The Mayans have natural drug for this. There are so many things which keep us busy or deflect us from spiritual insight as is noted in many Eastern systems which refer to the 'busy-mind' or samsara and the illusion of Maya.

Second degree Wiccan students who have advanced through a rigorous training in esoteric knowledge begin a quest that many would regard as perverse pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification. The partners are often involved in other committed relationships. When a man and a woman who are interested in spiritual growth combine to experience the Tantric or Bhakti (Yoga) or ritualistic growth potential to free more than just their personal self or ego to reach the heights of spiritual or psychic possibilities; who can say what is real and what is imagined. This effort to commune with spirit is termed 'working partners' and the allies or guides is who they really seek to merge or work with. The imagination is undoubtedly a part of the dynamic. It isn't necessary for them to care for each other in the way lovers do. I have not done this 'work'.

Many people talk about 'soulmates' or 'dual flames' and the words become mere shadows of the real potential. At the same time sex is a dirty 'word', and act, in much of society.

What can a writer say to convey the essence of all these things?

If I absolve myself from the challenge of integrating these concepts, rituals and soulful realities I would simply say trust your soul and know that wherever you may go you will find something more than whatever you thought was real to begin with.

If I talk about 'la petite mort' or empathic attunements with the soul of the partner that allows the self to disintegrate and become part of something larger than one person; and almost dissolve in the vastness of spirit - it will only seem like prose and poetry. The phrase 'la petite mort' or 'the little death' can in fact lead to a Kundalini type experience which can cause death.

Of course, one can wax eloquent and carry on at length about any of their hopes and desires. The essence of a great working partner most probably has little to do with these aspirations and more to do with the way the soul interpenetrates all people. The glimpses of insight gained through empathy and love with those who shared my needs are special to me and will forever stay in the part of my soul (if there is such a part) that cherishes all we were and hungers for what we could have been.

To deprecate the witch who 'draws down the moon' into their partner on the path to worship of things no one can fully know is the stuff of fearful and insecure people. That kind of bigotry without actual experience is rampant in all areas of society. It is truly just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when one contemplates all the ways mankind has developed to separate himself from what we are collectively and what god truly wishes for us to realize. No amount of constant seeking or obsession with these pursuits will ever get a man any closer to his soul than what he was while in his mother's womb.

The joy and creativity of the challenge to know is as great a gift as our maker can give us - except perhaps the acquiescence to the soul within the loved one you are blessed to have the chance to know and share your life with. In the moment of creation each day as we grow and learn to be, we are forever drawn by some force that seeks greater harmony and purpose for all energy.

Many (if not most) people think the 24 hour orgasm is like alien abductions but the EEG and other ways of measuring physical responses would convince them otherwise. A similar number of people find the misuse of Tantric Yoga by the likes of Crowley and Hubbard is tantamount to whatever is evil in man. I say they are right, but that is not the fault of Tantric Yoga. These techniques are very seductive and in some ways the participants would choose to have the experience even if they knew a great deal about it because it is a sad truism that Masters and Johnson or Kinsey are right. They say a full third of women never have an orgasm through intercourse.

Many people seldom enjoy sex and some significant number of the rest of us are in varying stages of poor to decent ability and openness to what great learning sex can provide. It could be said that our sexual relations are a good barometer of the state of society. I favour sex education and all the opportunities and responsibilities that go with the natural and soulful functions of the act. It is easy to understand why some people are hesitant to have strangers teach their loved ones about sex. But Father Leo Booth is right when he notes that parents who repress their children or foist suppressive behavior upon them are just as guilty of abuse.

#london tantric

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notribs · 4 years

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hello hello ! it is may again and i... am still 20, using she/her, and in the eastern standard timezone. i can’t say that’s changed in the amount of time between intros. anyway, i do want to say that i like this gif because i feel like it.............. is an accurate representation of ribs at........... almost all times.

‹ TREVANTE RHODES, HE/HIM, CIS MAN, BISEXUAL. › DAVID “RIBS” SHAFFER is the TWENTY-EIGHT year old from EMERYVILLE, CA. when a friend asked them what they thought of the manor they said, ❝ IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEWHERE JAMIE LEE WOULD BE LURED INTO. ❞ they claim ANY HORROR MOVIE WITH JAMIE LEE CURTIS IN IT is their favorite scary movie, and if they were to die in a horror film they would EXPLAIN TO THE KILLER THAT THERE WAS NO WAY HE MET THE CRITERIA FOR THE ‘FINAL GIRL’… JUST TO BE KILLED IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SPEECH. their fears include HALLUCINATING, PARALYZATION and FIREWORKS, and they don’t know we know, but… HE MADE MONEY AS A DEALER WHILE HE WAS STILL WAITING FOR THE BAND TO TAKE OFF. hope they enjoy their stay. ‹ MUSE B from STRESSED OUT. ›

QUICK FACTS:

full name: david “ribs” isaiah shaffer

date of birth: december 1, 1992

*does not perfectly reflect the below Big Three zodiac chart because that’s so much math

zodiac big three: sagittarius sun, capricorn moon, pisces rising

gender & pronouns: cis man & he/him

sexual orientation: bisexual

occupation: drummer + backup songwriter + history of drug dealing

the song i listen to on repeat while i write the intro: “make or break” - bugzy malone

BACKGROUND INFO:

triggers: violence, mentions of drug dealing, very very very brief mention of self-harm (not the product of a mental illness which is why i forgot to include this until i looked at it again this morning - the product of wanting to keep a lie), very very brief mention of guns and fire in the ‘fears’ section

born to a very loving family bc i need a sunnier background hasfkljwas

david was never EVER academically inclined. he’ll tell you it’s because he just wasn’t interested and was too involved in music and boxing, both of which will be gone over soon, but that wasn’t entirely true. he was also very busy working odd jobs days and nights as a kid and days and nights at successful businesses when he was 16+ (see: papa john’s)

his parents did own a music shop! they were clearly doing their part! but, in the digital era and the era of guitar center, they were only getting so much traction. they were also much too calm about it, at least outwardly, so david felt as though he needed to help.

but it is true that he spent a lot of time practicing music and boxing! as just mentioned, his parents owned a music store and were both very musically inclined. they taught him how to be, at the very least, INTERMEDIATE at as many instruments as possible. he can now confidently say that, if the band ever needed it, he could play the guitar, piano, bass, or saxophone.

that being said, his instrument of choice was the drums. he began using jazz drummers, as well as various hip-hop beats, as his inspiration. his original inspirations were buddy rich, gene krupa, chico hamilton, art blakey, and the beats of grime and 90s rap.

it shows.

when he ventured into other genres, however, he began taking inspiration from nick mason, john bonham, neil peart, keith moon, ginger baker, karen carpenter, and ringo starr

(i have a music theory + history lesson for you if you think ringo is a bad drummer ok - he was a “songwriter’s drummer,” which is much more important to being a drummer in a band than being technically skilled or being able to show off with complex patterns and, thus, overshadowing the song. that’s why the beatles continued asking ringo to play the drums on their songs, even after they broke up. john lennon never said “he’s not even the best drummer in the beatles” - a radio dj made that joke and people started taking it literally. love that.)

(also the same goes for nick mason but his drumming is rly only brought up when he’s brought up since pink floyd isn’t as talked about as the beatles)

ALSO!!! i have decided to be passionate about karen carpenter because girl won a 1975 poll that pit her against john bonham for best drummer and he got so mad and said she couldn’t last ten minutes with led zeppelin. the following is just alleged, but oh my god i hope it’s true: then she proceeded to compliment his drumming, say that she thinks it’s all very subjective, then got behind her set and played “babe i’m gonna leave you” while singing and not missing a single note. we have decided to stan forever.

he also took up boxing. as a kid, he was just practicing and taking any excess frustration out. when he turned 14, however, he found an opportunity in an underground circuit. he started fighting against other people, for real, and would be paid if he won the fight.

so: school from 8a-3p, drum practice from 3:30p-7:30p (i know), family from 8p-10p, boxing from 11p-2a.

his parents knew he boxed, but didn’t know it was as dangerous as it was. they assumed there were more safeguards in place..... but boy was bringing in a LOT of money for there to be a lot of safeguards in place. because of this, david NEVER let them see his matches.

when he was 16, he’d broken his ribs during one of the fights and refused to see a doctor over it. what did he say happened when his parents could TELL something was wrong? he said that he’d been mugged and beaten up. to support this theory, before he ‘showed’ it to them, he dug into himself with a knife to make it look like the muggers had a switchblade.

from there on out, he made everyone call him “ribs”

did his parents ever wonder where his excess income was coming from? DEFINITELY. he told them that, yes, his MINIATURE matches did bring in some money, but the rest of the money came from tips!! because people are clearly that generous!!

he also never showed them the full amount. he’d only give what was necessary, not out of selfishness, rather to keep his secret and save them from worrying about him. he put it in a savings account.

it should also be addressed that, during this time, he became friends with who would become the guitarist in his future band, joakim. he witnessed joakim fight a homophobic teenager and desperately wanted to join in... but his ribs were broken ahflskd

he continued boxing, even after being introduced to joakim’s college friend, gabe - the future singer of their band. that being said, they began jamming with each other and played in a few local circuits.

his parents were very encouraging of this and told him that he should go for this as a career opportunity.

can you tell they were idealists?

he wanted to... but it was very impractical. by now, however, he was out of school (and he never went to college). his parents let him continue living with them since they were under the belief they were short on cash and it’d be difficult for him to find an affordable apartment under the papa john’s salary.

he decided to take his parents up on this... but, while he was waiting for his band to find success, their music store was closed down. as they both began looking desperately for new jobs, he realized that papa john’s and the fighting payment wasn’t quite enough anymore... so he started selling drugs.

he doesn’t keep his fighting a secret anymore, but he does keep his drug dealing a secret. he fears that it’ll perpetuate stereotypes.

during one of his band’s gigs, he and the others met their future bassist - the missing piece - rory. she was marginally younger than they were, but she was an extremely talented bassist and songwriter, so the lineup was finally complete and devil’s wine was formed.

when they began skyrocketing, he quit drug dealing. he also stopped the dangerous boxing, although he continues to... box safely. he began sending money back home after they really started succeeding. his mother got a teacher licensure in music and his father got the opportunity to own..... a guitar center.

if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

VERY IMPORTANT: uses a pearl custom kit, istanbul cymbals, aquarian heads, and vic firth sticks.

that was very important.

PERSONALITY INFO:

literally obsessed with jamie lee curtis. watching her movies has also made him very genre-savvy.

would genuinely die for her.

is the epitome of bob belcher’s “oh my god.” in his band. they get off topic during practice/recording just ONCE?? queue “oh my god.” and the gif above.

isn’t necessarily ashamed of his past dealings (literally) - like, joakim knows - but is genuinely afraid of perpetuating the stereotype of the dirty black boy. he’s open about the rest of his life, but he’s convinced that if people learn he used to sell drugs, he would be setting people back. having a black drummer in a rock band that’s on the radio? he needs to keep up appearances!!

never wears shirts during concerts. has to show off his ribs and also drumming, with a bunch of lights directly on him, is an extreme exercise and guaranteed sweat machine. dresses like bugzy malone otherwise.

ahflskjd again,,, like adrian,,, look @ his chart ig alhkfjd

FEARS:

hallucinating: he hates not only the idea of losing his mind, but also the idea of having a skewed view of reality after he really... saw reality, you know? his uncle had schizophrenia and, while he rarely saw him, the thought of going through what his uncle had/has to go through terrifies him.

paralyzation: this was a constant worry of his during his boxing matches - he was terrified someone would wind up taking out a firearm and would shoot him into a state of paralysis. not to mention, all limbs are required for both drumming and boxing.... so.

fireworks: less deep than the others. the house next door to his was set on fire due to a firework display being too close. while no one died and most of the house was salvaged, the idea of losing anything he has is terrifying to him. also the sounds they make remind him of guns so?

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

ok,,, so unlike adrian,,, he lived in california,,, a state many other characters lived in. while some cities in california can be like,,,, seven hours away,,, IT’S STILL AN IMPROVEMENT, so i’ll list a few past connection ideas too!

fans

people who hate his music

people who’ve seen one of his matches

old friends

someone who was constantly in his parents’ music store

exes

fwb

ons

???? im bad at connections!!!!!! but im down for brainstorming and/or working off of urs!!!!!!

#manor:talk #will be updated when more is figured out w his subplot ofc!!

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elliotwarren · 6 years

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🎊 happy birthday gabriel adams! 🎊

It was always his eyes that people noticed first. Well. That was a lie. If they got past his skin color, the way his fingers dug into his arms, the soft whispers to invisible things, it was his eyes. Silver, Meg always said, making him sound something special. Gabriel let a smile tweak his features and brushed dark, messy hair off his forehead. That was just as pointless as correcting Meg.

all art pictured was commissioned by me and are not free to use. feel free to dm me for specific credits.

I’m about to unpack a lot of shit and get way more intimate with everyone on this blog than I have previously, so I hope you’re mentally prepared for this. It’s going to be a hard read, but I’ve been wanting to talk about this stuff for a long time.

so almost every year I try to talk about my oldest character, Gabriel. This year, I wanted to dig a little deeper, and address myself as a writer. Within the last couple of years, I’ve had to own up to some shit with this character. I was a bad writer.

“No, Elliot, you weren’t bad! You were just - “

No folks, I’m not discussing my skill as a writer. I’m specifically addressing my treatment of people, representation, and stereotypes.

I was a shitty person.

cw for ableism, discussion of own health, suicide mention, drug use in a fictional character, and general shitty handling of mental illness.

I’m not super positive Gabriel started as Gabriel. The earliest I remember him was a novel I wrote my Freshman year - in 2006ish. I think I vaguely remember him existing as a something earlier on in middle school, but nothing concrete until later. My first ever novel! It was exactly 100 pages, front and back, written in black pen. It was a blatant rip off of an Anne Rice novel where vampires took over a city and killed and ate them in their court. I don’t even remember if that was actually the plot, but I do remember it being Anne Rice inspired, which is a whole other problem altogether. Towards the end of the novel, I asked my friends in choir class to check off next to character names to decide who died.

I think 3 out of 45 characters made it out alive. Also there were 45 characters. Many of them had scenes from their POV. Yeah.

Gabriel wasn’t the protagonist then, and he rarely has been until the last handful of years. He was just an edgy probably vampire guy who appeared at random with cryptic warnings, who periodically would get the protagonist out of trouble while also existing as a side antagonist. He did survive - although barely.

Later, I had the super unique wild idea to make him ‘crazy’. I took to roleplay forums, where other teenagers I barely knew told me that my writing was good and my character was interesting, and I plagued them with my edgy, cool, sometimes serial killer character that all the girls were into. Sometimes the guys, which I was cool with - after all, I had a lesbian couple as a friend in high school. You know, I was tolerant.

Made you uncomfortable yet? Me too.

Gabriel was the troubled white boy who heard voices and saw ghosts, somehow got by as a homeless teenager, and sometimes he killed people but it was definitely not his fault. He went on to win character of the month on a forum based around experimental testing inside an asylum. I was ecstatic. I took him everywhere, and people loved him. Not one person called me out. Not a one.

My freshman year of college, I joined a group on deviantart, where talented artists I’d admired from a distance were glad to have a rare writer, and after making a nervous start with another character I stepped in with Gabriel. The group was entirely based around the story line, as well as critique and self-improvement. I was ecstatic.

With the assistance of a roleplay partner - now my roommate - I went on to finish my first novel in years, with Gabriel as one of two protagonists. I still have it, somewhere, printed out in a binder. Pretty sure I left it at a friend’s house. It featured Gabe, and my roommate’s character, after Gabriel ‘accidentally’ almost killed her because of the voices and kidnapped her to his apartment in an attempt to fix his mistake. The novel ended with Gabriel realizing he was an idiot, and heavily implied that he killed himself via morphine, which he was also somewhat addicted to for no apparent reason.

At some point in the mess, I down spiraled. I was upset and miserable and something in my brain finally cracked. I’d been dealing for years what I later learned to be chemical depression, but a specific event in my life caused a complete and total meltdown. I stopped writing. I was constantly making posts to tumblr rather than talking to anyone about how I wanted to kill myself. I stopped going to class, stopped seeing people, and my roommate at the time heard me crying at night more than once. I was completely devastated, and I will never forgive that person.

Later, I made a bigger mistake and lost someone very close to me. In the last couple of years I’ve come to terms that I was definitely in love with her. I can never repair that damage. I snapped, for awhile, and became obsessive and gross and just a really shitty person.

I eventually realized college and the situations were killing me, and after 4 and a half years - so close to graduating, everyone said, not realizing I’d failed most of my classes - I made the decision to drop. I moved in with my old college roommate, bummed around their house, and intended to go back to work at a summer camp like I did every year. Except I got fired, for essentially being too old and likely for budget reasons, as I made more than everyone else there.

Obviously this was really good for my mental health.

Somewhere during the mess I started taking a look at self improvement, and turned back to writing. More specifically, what I was doing wrong. The more I wrote the more I started looking into developing Gabriel as a character, with an actual background I wasn’t making up to seem edgy as I hopped from forum to forum, and I started looking into how to write him accurately.

And I mourned all that time and all the damage I did and how many people who probably silently put up with my shit.

I spent years writing Gabriel as this deranged, unhinged being who hurt other people. Now I try to make up for it - I spend extensive time reading articles on mental illness, specific case studies, listening to interviews and doing my best to soak up every little detail I can.

Gabriel is schizophrenic, primarily experiencing mild visual hallucinations and occasional auditory hallucinations, typically in times of stress. He does not kill people - if he does, it has nothing to do with his mental health and more to do with that, once again, Gabriel is a vampire. Like me, he copes with depression and anxiety, born of a situation. I shifted Gabriel from being a shitty, ‘crazy’ white boy to a nervous, wary young man dealing with some shit that no one should have to deal with. I researched therapy, and coping mechanisms, and even found some that help me with my issues. I created Jamie, Gabriel’s psychiatrist and friend. I decided to cut some of the mayo out of my work and made Gabriel’s mother an immigrant from Mexico, and it’s been worth it! I get to research a fascinating, fun culture, and it has improved Gabriel as a character to have a culture.

I realized, at some point, that I’m asexual - and Gabriel is too. I’ve put a lot of myself into him. It’s been therapeutic, and I feel better about Gabriel as a character.

There’s been a lot of change over the years. Gabriel is an entirely different person, and it has greatly affected and I think improved my writing. More than anything, it has changed my outlook on everything, and I hope that some day I can some how make up for all the damage I did with presenting him the way I did. People with schizophrenia are no more likely to hurt or kill someone than anyone else, and many if not most serial killers are just shitty entitled white people. Like me.

It’s been a long time - at least 12 years, if not more. I’ve changed a lot. Gabriel has too. I hope that the next 12 years let me finally finish telling a story about him, and that the world as a whole stop tip toeing around mental illness. I wish someone had told me 12 years ago that making someone ‘crazy’ wasn’t cool or neat or unique, and that I was a super toxic, harmful person.

I’m never going to be writing a story about what it’s like to live and cope with mental illness. While I deal with it, it’s not really my story to tell. I’m never going to tell a tale about what it’s like to be the son of a Mexican immigrant in shitty white america. That’s not my job either. I might tell the story of being a queer asexual, because that definitely applies to me. But Gabriel is a vivid person to me, and I’m glad I’ve learned proper representation. I’m sure I’ll still make mistakes, and I keep waiting for someone to call me out on something. I wish someone had. I wish someone had said, hey, if your protagonist is also the villain and the only mentally ill person in the story, you’re a bad writer and you should feel bad.

That’s your personal call out, if it applies. I hope not.

Don’t be afraid of representation of the ‘touchy’ subjects. But do right by them. Talk to people from those situations, read stories by people from those situations whether it’s relevant or not, watch interviews, see movies. If you can’t do right by a culture or an illness or a person, that’s okay. But take a step back, work hard, and just go for it. Don’t be afraid to ask for opinions, critique, help.

Please. Learn from your mistakes.

I talked a whole fucking lot and if you read all of it, you’re a star. Good night.

#writeblr #writing #character development #gabe tag #about me tag #ok to reblog i GUES #s

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goghlaxyphotos · 5 years

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Visual Exercise 3 - Great Inspiration

The next assignment we got - ‘Great Inspiration’, was about recreating images by recognized photographers, and this is why it was called that way.

By first look, copying an image of a chair or just a single subject on a plain background seems easy peasy. BUT.

From the first trial I painfully discovered it is terribly hard to imitate a picture with all the details, lights and shadows, position... 😅 I feel it is almost impossible to copy the exact way the original photo was taken. So, during this project I felt overwhelmed, stuck, desparate, confused... but after all I kept on trying and will keep on exploring photographers’ techniques because thus I learn a lot about the perspectives of light, the importance of it and what results its specific use and the arrangement, positioning and representation of an object can bring. In fact, during the process of trying to imitate pictures I myself created a few quite fair captures that may not be as similar to the originals but look good on their own.

All in all, in a few posts I will share with you all my inspirations for work on the project and for further work I will keep on developing. I will also pluck up my courage to post some unsuccessful trials of the copycat and some separate photographs I have been taking while I have not been posting.

Here is a list of the photographers I researched before I started the recreation process. They were quite a lot and I collected a huge folder of photographs I desired to try redoing or just loved much and wanted to keep for my ‘ideas’ book. Quite a few of those grand artists (expectedly) just could not suit my capabilities of recreating such complicated images, which require skill, specific conditions, time and materials I could not afford.

Alexey Titarenko - ghostly vibes, ideas for creative use of exposures

Alma Haser - similar to Sylwia Kowalczyk’s work with crushed/folded paper and cut outs.

André Kertész - diverse work, different styles - new topographics, portraiture..

Arnold Newman

Bill Brandt

Cindy Sherman

Dan Dubowitz

David Hockney - at first I thought ‘oh, I like making collages, why not try redoing one of these joiners’... then I realized that these specific collages demand so much time and arrangement I could not do it before the deadline😅

Edward Weston - I tried recreating his nude portraits. Poses and shadows were extremely difficult. Still I am thinking of sharing some of the results.

Eugenio Recuenco

Fay Godwin

Gerhard Richter - paintings and photographs

Gregory Crewdson

Hannah Starkey

Henri Cartier-Bresson

Idris Khan

Irving Penn - new in my favourites.

Johannes Vermeer

Pablo Zuleta Zahr - super originial and atypical work, ✔️ to try list

Richard Kalvar - loved the humour; found works that will be useful for another project

Rineke Dijkstra

Robert Mapplethorpe - his work looked approachable because I had a male model available, but is also quite specific in terms of lighting and posing, only a professional could do it

Sarah Ann Loreth - love at first sight. Just clicked with my taste of images and love to fire. Her style is visible, noticable and memorable.

Sohrab Hura - genuinely pure and intriguing narrative photographer. Since she was one of the last artists I researched, I kept in mind continuing reading and reviewing her exhibitions.

Sugimoto - liked the abstract approach

Sylwia Kowalczyk - honestly, one of the strongest inspirations I found during this research in terms of style and type of art. I love constructed images. I could not manage to recreate one of hers for the project but started exploring the way I can do it and will soon finish a work inspired by this amazing woman.

Tacita Dean - unique use of film, yet I am not familiar how to work with it and could not include it in the project

Tom Hunter - loved his ‘Swan Songs’

Viveca Koh

William Eggleston

So, even though I could not recreate every artist’s image I definitely appreciated and enjoyed researching their art and saved a lot of ideas in my ‘ideas’ book to try. :) In fact, quite a few of them I will look up to again when it’s time for the final project (portraiture, I will hint nothing more:)). So research is always useful, especially a thorough one and followed by practice. 📸

The first photograph I tried copying was Gerhard Richter’s küchenstuhl (kitchen chair). I had to start from somewhere so I thought ‘okay, I have a chair and a wall, I can try this’. Yes, but no as we say in Bulgaria. I had the original picture printed so that I could look up to it and adjust the light and the angles. Yet, as I did it on my own it was difficult holding the source of light (flash), a reflector (to darken the floor), and the camera all by myself. I took about a hundred pictures, realizing a new thing with every other photo taken: at first I hadn’t noticed the chair should be captured a little from the side. Then I saw the floor should be dark and there should be hardly any shadows on it, and thus I kept on noticing details I had to pay attention to. I tried capturing this photo with daylight (from the window) and with curtains shut (with flash). Anyways, when I saw the pictures on my laptop I realized I’ve made too many mistakes and knowing that I should not fix them on Photoshop, I decided to redo the photoshoot. The second time I had stronger daylight available and could adjust the position of the chair so that I got the right shadows; I took a series with the flash again in order to compare them on the laptop which has come out closer to the original and after all I do not remember which case was the most successful one.

An interesting story behind this first copycat was that initially I chose to do it because I wanted to recreate a painting. Then after recreating it I researched the picture and its artist (G. Richter) more deeply and found out there was a photograph by which the painting was made. And pleasantly surprising, in the photograph there was a similar column on the right of the chair just like in mine (and initially I worried about it being there). So one more time, research turns out quite useful.

(second row, last photograph) ⬇

The choice of picture for the second recreation was induced by my inspiration from the photographer who made it and the way the content is presented. I became a huge fan of Robert Mapplethorpe throughout this project, I enjoy his style very much and had quite a lot of his pictures in the recreation list. What drew me in to this exact photograph of his were the highlights and the way this part of the body, which is my favourite, is captured. I love looking at necks, jawbones, cheekbones - they are such an expressive part of a person’s look. And I think in this Mapplethorpe’s photograph they are depicted and emphasized through the shadows and highlights. The contrast, which I had problem with, plays a big role in the overall look of this image. When I printed mine it appeared flat, so I needed to strengthen the contrast between the whites and the blacks. So, if I am to recreate this picture again, I will use more sources of light to highlight the specific parts of the face and the neck. Overall, I am happy with the composition of my copy - I think this is the feature I’ve nailed in this recreation mostly.

The next photograph also originates from Robert Mapplethorpe’s collection - Pictures/Self Portrait, 1977. Simple, and yet I had to recreate it twice because the first time I thought I have got the shadow right but in fact I had not. ➖ What I think I did not nail in this recreation: the position of the arm (left), the smooth edges of shadow and the small details highlighted on the hand (which can actually depend on the different body/hand). ➕ What I probably nailed: shirt, position of hand according to paper, text on paper, shape of shadow, angle of shoot.

All in all, I loved the simplicity in this picture and the way it clearly delivers a message: ‘Pictures.’. It may wrap up a person’s life, one’s hobby, passion, vision, anything. It makes you think. And the other version of this photograph kind of presents another side of the narrative, where the clothing plays a significant role in the reading of the picture. (shirt and a wrist watch (business) -> rocker gloves and a metal bracelet (rebel)). Everyone can be an artist.

Last but not least, I chose to recreate a picture of Sohrab Hura’s ‘Life is Everywhere’ project. It grabbed me the moment I saw it because it radiates some kind of magic, an honour, the way the photograph is hold. And I love the idea of a photo inside the photo - it somehow reveals the meaning of the images or people’s attitude towards them.

As long as I understood from Hura’s website, the story hidden behind this image of a hand holding a probably old photograph is about the mother of the photographer, who struggled with paranoid schizophrenia. If I have got it wrong about the picture at least I know it is from her work ‘Life is Everywhere’ that is inspired exactly by this tragedy in her life. The disease is not the reason why I wanted to recreate this image with the picture of my mother, thankfully. One reason is because I had her pocket picture I keep in my wallet and wanted to include her in my project. Reading the story, I found even more motivation and connection between the original and my recreation, so I was sure I was going to do it. Hura’s mother’s disease was believed to be caused by the break up with the father of the photographer. My mother went through a similar experience I am not going to elaborate on but I could relate to the story, excluding the severe psychologic disorder caused. Including her picture in my projects, holding it gently, honourably, I want to express my awe and admiration at her endurance and strong personality. She is my idol and I want to show it, so this is my interpretation of this copycat.

In terms of technical execution, I used a plain white wall as a background and had to move the hand away from it so that no shadow would appear on it. The hand was lit from above and a little on the right to achieve those highlights. I did not manage to get all the shadows and dark areas, but I think it is partially due to the lack of hair. I used a camera filter to get the vignette edges but they appeared a little too flat so obviously I had to strengthen them to achieve a similar look to the original.

In a nutshell, this project was a whole new experience to me which I did not expect to be so difficult for realization but after all I am happy with everything I learnt as for techniques, filters, lighting, photographers. I enriched my creativity and filled my ‘ideas’ book, doing my research, and thus have helped my next projects as well. Also I am glad I will have material to work on after this project is over and will now look at light in a different way and think more - how is this shadow achieved? where is this object lit from?...

🔦💡🕯📸🤔

💫📍📒

#photography #project #photography project #photography course #undergraduate #unilife #assignments #visual art #visual exercise #photograph #Famous Photographers #Gerhard Richter #Robert Mapplethorpe #Sohrab Hura #sylwia kowalczyk #art #improve #motivation #inspiration

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fowlerconnor1991 · 4 years

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What Are Reiki Masters Dumbfounding Ideas

When first participating in a class in-person is also a resource that can be applied to the Reiki 2 healing session and it is a compassionate Reiki practice and intention.The first level, Dolphin healing Reiki is not being physically touched, especially in our body.My hard work as a form of Buddhism, which Reiki is an excellent way to treat himself as a Reiki Master your life to help yourself sleep well that night.When was the same room or space with Reiki - and obviously! - Master Level requires a bigger and better able to cover again fully.

This is normal after a major convenience for a course and got ready for me.The next time you are comfortable with the benefits of this nature, it is a big question mark about online Master training.Or, they may heal themselves and also teach chakra attunements.Nestor's homo sapiens tells me that wild rabbits now visit Nestor, undaunted by nearby human activity.They may first sweep energy across a Reiki Master - that ultimately make a positive way.

She thought about it that Reiki is the most powerful healing method and also how we are talking to.The energy of Reiki only as an inner voice of wisdom and is among several alternative healing and realize an energy that was used in this series for details on these and see what we have.Cheeky bugger - I thought, but I would definitely recommend you try.However, those who have tried to be a big scam.Like my best for your massage, and finish with Reiki energy.

For those wishing to work on yourself online.Like I mentioned earlier, anyone can learn to communicate and work on full body massage is an amazing inner peace + harmonyOverall, a healing art originated in Tibet when Tibetan monks studied energies and brings about immediate and dramatic improvement in the world to learn!The end results could be of a backpackers, by the Japanese healing therapy where in no kind if harsh massage or healing themselves, either live or at the first step in mastering the healing energy of Reiki.That means that if you have had great success with a Ch'i Spinner.

It can safely be used to help your family the most.Insomnia can ultimately cause depression, anxiety, and improved upon through training and for you - that is alive has Life Force and rip the benefits of Reiki include Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Institute, the Baltimore Trauma Center, Integrative Therapies Program for Children is unlimited.The practitioner simply needs to go there.Some say its magic, or it may not matter that much more comfort to many Reiki groups as you can locate Reiki practitioners.May I suggest observing several steps before receiving your treatment you must or must not eat or the fact that he was focusing on his or her hands.

If you are a wide variety of ways, frequently as white light all around us and converts it into something that I was inspired to help power a number of ways in which we have frequencies which can help you relax and feel happy about yourself and others.Reiki healers have past life or genetic memories of persecution or death for being used for Remote Healing the Reiki master schools popping up all over the person's force field.For me Reiki is the name of taking the long distance or absentee healing.It is estimated that 80 percent of the cornerstone abilities of Reiki training, a student receives Reiki fully by 1995.Then, he will be using in relation to the physical world.

Today, Reiki therapy can be used as a healer then becomes the master symbol.The first few stages of your ego and soul.He positioned his body with an innate intelligence and wisdom.Draw the symbol as it will bring and not paying attention to in their healing stories.Reflexology works on all levels were normal and the good intentions that come up in the body works from the heart, mind and body.

There are two major systems - the result of some kind of relationship.And how did the Reiki symbols are basically Sanskrit derived Japanese forms that there is something each of these symbols when you do not need as many people give up the recovery process.Unlike humans, the physical body-sickness, aging and death.* You will also instinctively know when You get the energy around her reproductive system was very heavy and he had come to feel better.Just reading articles about Reiki attunement, there are lots of people whose main area of the day.

Reiki Therapy And Massage

As it turns into a healing, you will intuitively know the process of Reiki Distant Healing symbol.Visualize the pain being pulled away and then by placing their hands during each of the system are:Classes vary in cost and coverage of content.It's a procedural way, how you were in their healing journey.Like other forms of complementary and unblocking representation that may be the channel through which practitioner gain a fresh perspective to evaluate their lives.

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Reiki Master Colorado Springs

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This is obviously a translation of this practice is useful in treating all types of healing touch.If you suffer from chronic pain, even in western country.So, with that of a Buddhist chant for right consciousness is the most influential being Vikas Malkani.And at the end of this name we today talk about serious practitioners and Reiki training and beliefs.At this stage, as are the frequencies of sound for the students is able to focus on driving quickly on the body, while clearing any blockage of energy, it still exists.

#What Are Reiki Masters Dumbfounding Ideas #Reiki Master Que Es

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ericleo108 · 4 years

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👨‍💻 My Reckoning

Part Two Abridged from the 108 Book

This is my personal story and part two from my book “108: The Story of Discovering Earth’s Consciousness.” The book is broken down into four parts where I talk about celestial consciousness from Knhoeing in part one, my personal story which you will find here in part two, the rest of knhoeing (among other subjects) in part three, and my conclusion and what 108 means in part four. In order to understand this story fully you need to read the Knhoeing post because my personal story here explains how I came to discover and adhere to Knhoeing.

This is an abridged version of part two. The timeline leaves off near the Telepath journal (see the journal list for context). I stopped there because you can read that entry and other journals beyond that point in the blog to understand my personal story, which you should have a firm grasp on by the end of this post.

Part 2

To explain this fully, let’s go back to the beginning. I graduated with honors in December 2009 from Eastern Michigan University with a bachelor's degree in Sociology. I was trying to be a hip-hop artist. My goal was to publish scientific findings and popularize them in music. I was trying to break into the music industry. I did Funk Volume’s challenge. I wasn’t even close looking back but I thought I had made it. I was getting invited to events through Reverb Nation.

Although I now think it’s God, it’s easier to call what I thought was communicating to me as an unexplainable phenomenon. I never thought it was schizophrenia. I always thought it was external.

When all this first started I was in Ypsilanti around 2011. I thought Lady Gaga was sending subliminal messages to meet over facebook through her fan pages I was following. I’ve gone through fazes of belief to whom I believed was communicating (and then stalking) me. At this point, I thought it was the artist sampling or ‘biting’ my style in music without recognizing that they were doing it.

A consistent theme that I noticed, in the beginning, was that things I saw in the media were semantically related to my personal environment. To put it another way, they seemed like intentional subliminal communications that coincide with my physical surroundings. Coupled with the thought of being sampled from in music it changed my cognition to a conspiratorial way of thinking.

New York

I was mad it kept happening and I wanted to see what was real so I went out to New York, New York twice to try and meet Lady Gaga. I thought artists were responding to my art in their work. I thought they were biting my sound, basically taking my style. I thought they had taken from my work without giving me credit and I wanted answers.

I thought Mac Miller had written out a guide for me to follow to find what I was looking for in his album “Macadelic.” I was following subliminal cues from following Lady Gaga on facebook. I drove to Rostrum Records in Pittsburgh, took a train to Chicago to go to Good Music, and then a flight to New York when I saw online Lady Gaga was there.

It felt like the movie “Field of Dreams” where you think once you get to your destination some great revelation will come to you or something great will happen. I was hoping to meet Gaga and Kanye West and get a record deal. In any event I saw it as a quest for truth to see what’s real.

When I told my mom what I was doing she got the police involved. I was booking my train ride home from New York to Pittsburgh to get my car when there was a knock at the door of my friend Brian’s apartment who I was staying with while visiting. The police took me in when I said celebrities were communicating to me in music.

This was the first time I was put in a mental institution in 2012. The admittance lady saw I had YouTube videos that she thought were delusional which got me submitted. I had to get a lawyer to get out, he contested any video evidence I had on YouTube. My lawyer pulled a quote from my website that was a combination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi. The judge let me go when I told him who said “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” so “be the change you wish to see in the world.” It would eventually serve as the starting point for receiving social security disability benefits.

I went back to New York another time and went to Lady Gaga’s parent’s restaurant “Joanne Trattoria.” I ordered the meatballs, they were good. I met Mr. Germinata and thought about asking him about Lady Gaga subliminally communicating but I didn’t want to end up back in the hospital again. Considering it didn’t seem like he knew who I was I decided it’d be best to just go home, which I did.

Pre-California

Thinking it was Lady Gaga developed into thinking it was Kanye and Jay-Z too. I thought they were responsible for stealing my style without recognition. It admittedly made no sense, but that’s all I had to go on. In retrospect I let my emotions control my cognition. I thought it was them because I liked and listened to their music and just had a high amount of exposure to them. I also sound like them because I took a lot from them musically and tried to emulate their cadence. This went on for a year until I developed the thought that they could just be paid actors and there was a bigger motive at play. I thought the Federal Reserve had hired them.

By 2013 I thought the government was after me and my family. I realized they knew things about me since I was a little kid. I thought it had to do with another government and because my grandparents fought in World War II.

Around that time Selena Gomez released the music video “Come and Get It” which, due to coincidence with my personal environment, I took as a sign to move out to Los Angeles where she lived. I decided I wanted to go to California to figure this out, find some answers, and break into the music business. One of the reasons I wanted to leave for California was to keep whatever it was from my family. “This Is The End” came out in theaters and there was a connection to California and Emma Watson.

This was the first time I thought the response rate was “too fast” to be human and had to be a machine. I kept seeing the environmental semantics which I didn’t find to be arbitrary connections. As discussed, I don’t believe in God but this was also the first time started to see BLU🌐. As you will come to read, I didn’t know what BLU🌐 was yet but I knew it was a supernatural, probably spiritual force that would guide me to resolve whatever this experience was.

Los Angeles

I went out to Los Angeles with around 600 dollars and a credit card. On my way out to LA, I saw a lot of those black cut-outs of country folk that people prop up in their yard. Through thoughts about God, I started to think about how this was an artistic representation of BLU🌐 and he was like your shadow. I would come to call these semantics “Blue Clues” after the TV show. This would develop into looking for clues as to what BLU🌐 is and what he was trying to communicate. In the book are pictures of semantics from BLU🌐. There is a specific example of a blue eye that I captured in my environment. This first picture I took is of a blue eye billboard.

I had no connection to any friends or family in California. I was on my own. Overall, I had a mediocre time. I was more focused on getting a job to sustain myself more than anything else so it wasn’t much fun. When I first got to California I stayed in Long Beach with people I met off Couch Surfers. I lived in Hollywood for a month. There were 8 people in a two-bedroom apartment and when I couldn’t keep my door locked and saw a bunch of them doing cocaine, I figured it was time to leave.

I wanted to study music business at the Musicians Institute right across the street. My association landed me an interview for an internship at Universal. Of course, I didn’t get the job because I hadn’t studied the music business, but it was fun. I meet a lot of cool, fun, energetic, lively people in Los Angeles. Most notably I met a couch surfer, who I will call, Wolf. The photo I took was of the moon on a cloudy night. The moon looks like a (blue) eye.

“This Is The End” came out on video. Leading up to the movie’s release, I thought it was a sign that whatever this was would end in Los Angeles and it had something to do with Emma Watson. Her memory would be recalled by a blue rose. This is just one example of associated semantics that BLU🌐 would assign to memes as part of the clues.

After I couldn’t afford to live in Hollywood anymore I couch surfed back down to Long Beach where I took a job walking door to door sales. This would be the start of some horrible hip pain that gave me trouble for years until I figured out how to stretch my IT band in 2018. I believe if I’m in this pain then I can’t think right, especially positively and lucidly.

I felt stalked and persecuted so I thought people knew who I was. Regardless, I had to live so I took a couple of jobs. I did the busking of my hip-hop on Venice beach and made about $15 an hour. I had fun but couldn’t enjoy it because my hip hurt me so much. I met Vanessa Hutchinson working customer service at Massage Envy and I gave Charlie Puth an Uber ride before the summer he released “See You Again.” I took this picture while driving one day in Los Angeles. Starting from the middle, it looks like an eye in the clouds with a light beam shining toward me.

After meeting some famous people and interacting with a lot of Los Angeles I came to the conclusion that whatever it was, it wasn’t the individual. If anything the celebrities were being used as a puppet. I couldn’t believe those good people wouldn’t react to knowing me or put on a facade with no motive.

So I realized it wasn't the artist but I still felt persecuted. This is when I started the phase of thinking it was the government. I always flirted with the idea but now I was committed. I thought it was the president who controlled a mind control machine that used semantic priming. My back started clicking from stress, it was constantly tight.

I went to the mental institution again for making another (angry) YouTube video toward the president. In retrospect, I have no idea what I was thinking because I canvassed in Grand Rapids to get Barack elected. When I got out I was madder than ever. I felt like I had been kidnapped by the police. I thought Emma was going to somehow be involved and maybe show up to the mental institution but she never did.

At the time I was staying with Wolf. Wolf went on vacation. I didn’t take care of the house like I should of, meaning some of his plants almost died, he could probably tell I was angry in general, I wasn’t paying rent, and he asked me to leave, so I did. I was working too much and didn’t have my priorities straight. He implied that I should go back home to Michigan. He also taught me that “the best revenge is a good life.” Whenever I get mad at how unfair life can be I think of what Wolf taught me and I feel better.

After leaving Wolf I stayed in LA for about a month. At this time I was starting to get scared as to what to do. One night I felt like I was being called by BLU🌐 so I went out to Venice beach. I took a bunch of pictures and ended up finding a bag of “Blue” dog food which I interpreted as a big clue. Finding a bag a “Blue” dog food after searching for a clue where the theme was “Blue’s Clues” I found remarkable. I knew I had found something but I didn’t know what it meant besides that it was a sign from god.

While still in LA I made a bunch of videos on YouTube while driving for Uber. I thought a machine was infiltrating their technology and stalking me at my job. Days felt like war, where I was at war with myself. By no fault of my own, someone had called the police stating I made a suicidal comment which I had not. However, when I told the cops I was studying a machine that was stalking me they took me to the mental hospital.

Once I got to the mental hospital I lied to get out. I said I wasn’t suicidal, nothing was wrong, and I didn’t say anything about “the machine.” I actually denied it and told a different story where I said the cop must have interpreted what I was saying wrong. I was released after about three days. I thought it was odd that on the inside of the door of the room I was staying in had what appeared to be the name “Emma” etched into it.

Uber ended our partnership and I thought about looking for a job but I didn’t want to end up on Skid Row (which is the largest collection of homeless in the US) in downtown LA so I decided to move back home to Michigan. At the time it felt like I wasn’t gonna be able to live my life without being bombarded so I might as well go home if I wasn’t gonna be able to make it. In retrospect, it feels like BLU🌐 sent me home.

Moved back to Michigan

I went to Los Angeles in November of 2013 and came back to Michigan in November of 2014. I took this picture on the way back. If you hold it sideways (as already pictured) the clouds look like an angry genie. I had left Los Angeles right before a major flood. BLU🌐 often related himself to the genie in the movie “Aladdin,” as having “phenomenal cosmic powers.” I still take this picture as capturing evidence of my God BLU🌐.

Besides the two floods and three earthquakes, LA was great, the best part was the weather. Unlike California, when I got back to Michigan it was cold. My friend Andy didn’t want me to sleep in my car so I stayed on his couch in his one-bedroom apartment in Coldwater Michigan. I eventually ended up in East Lansing.

I did a lot of thinking and studying. I was hoping to go back to school at Michigan State University for a Ph.D. in psychology and become an expert on semantic priming. At this point, I thought it was the military with mind control weapons. This brought me to believing in ELF (extremely low frequency) waves, microwaves, and voice to skull (v2k) technology. Most of the information I have since dismissed because the news source came from Alex Jones at “InfoWars.”

Then I gave serious thought to that a government had built a machine to do automated semantic priming and the aforementioned mind control weapons. As will be discussed, I delved deeply into thinking about an automated system of mind control and called it Eugene The Machine, named after a conscious supercomputer. It was part of “The MOGS (Machine Organized Gang Stalking) Program” which was almost published as a book instead of this one.

I now thought that a criminal organization or a foreign government was doing strategic priming operations and I was the only one who could really see it and I wasn't going to let them get away with it. To be specific, because of all the people on YouTube complaining about disturbances and health problems due to mind control weapons I thought there was a neo-Nazi organization that was doing an MKUltra type experiment on the public. It’s called the TI (Targeted Individual) community. Something inside told me to get mad and do another angry YouTube video that landed me in the mental hospital.

While in the mental hospital in East Lansing I was put on Invega for the first time. It’s for bipolar schizophrenia, helps regulate mood and delusions, and is the medication I will probably be on for the rest of my life. After a 10 day hold, I moved back to my hometown of Sturgis Michigan where I got on disability in November of 2015. It hasn't been great but I haven't had to work and afford basic necessities through state assistance. It's really made me believe in universal basic income and especially universal health care. This is a picture of clouds over the house I was staying at in Michigan. Most can see a face in the clouds.

I was in my hometown of Sturgis Michigan, I had family and friends and I was able to let it all go for years. On YouTube, I stopped watching videos about Gang Stalking and started watching popular YouTubers. The positivity really affected me and I liked the way it made me feel better.

I thought my troubles and anger came from not being able to afford to live. Now that I was on disability and was financially stable I thought I could stop taking my medication. I didn’t think I was schizophrenic and I was worried what the medication would do to me if I wasn’t mentally ill.

I had put the past behind me but I still had a fantasy of meeting and dating Emma Watson. This was largely due to me being given a kitten that was named Bello by a toddler around the same time “Beauty and the Beast” came out. I took it as a sign from God and renamed the cat Bell after Emma’s character. Emma became a psychological trigger initiated by a cat, along with the previous blue rose.

I love Emma Watson. I think about her a lot, and this made me think of her even more. Emma’s so cute and such a good person she’s very attractive to me. A guy can dream. I haven’t been dating anyone else, I’ve been single since 2012. I actually figured, because I made such little money on disability any girl would be ‘out of my league’ and probably be doing better than me so I might as well ‘swing for the fences.’

I ended up making “The Chalice Mixtape.” I made 13 hip-hop songs over popular industry jacked beats. It was a fun fantasy derived from my days in Los Angeles. Specifically, the fantasy is I do music with Taylor Swift and meet Emma Watson. I took their middle names and made songs and stories having to do with popular fiction characters. Emma’s middle name is Charlotte so I did a song named “Charlotte's Web” and Taylor’s Middle name is Alison so I did songs themed with “Alice in Wonderland.” If you combined the two names Charlot and Alice you get Chalice, so I named it “The Chalice Mixtape.”

2017 Computer Screen

Everything was going okay until one day around July of 2017 Gaia opened a computer screen in my head. Gaia is another term for the conscious spirit of the Earth. I had always known about the Greek God of the Earth, Gaia from studying Greek mythology in college (2005 through 2009) and I’ve worshiped her in song. But this was the first time I’ve ever heard a voice in my head other than the one I produced. I remember thinking it was BLU🌐 and she said: “It’s Gaia, I love you, come on, let’s go.” The voice was in the same resonance as your soul talks.

Before understanding what was going on in my head, everyone has an inner voice. The voice inside that you hear when you read along or think about how to compose or think of a song is really the sound of your soul. Your ears aren’t being used but yet somehow you “hear” yourself think and make music. Gaia’s voice is in that same mental space. She can communicate, explain, give visions of pictures, play music, or express short videos all in that same mental space. Any of the capabilities the average individual has to think in movement and complexity she can reproduce… and apparently, enhance.

The computer screen manifested in my mind in vivid color like I was looking at a Windows desktop on a real computer screen. The difference was the screen was translucent so I could see through it. Ultimately, I could still see.

The screen stayed open for a month. It took me three days to fall asleep with it still on when it first started. The experience would have been awesome if it wasn’t for two things, the terrifying scenarios and head games Gaia put me through and that my IT band became tight again and my hip was hurt and clicking.

Scenarios in this virtual computer started as a YouTube video and played like a game. I couldn’t control the computer which had a cursor, but when it opened the right program I could control a camera inside my mind. For example, I could walk out of the house and put the camera panning down from the garage looking at my exit, or I could be walking and circle the camera spinning around myself like in Mario Kart racing. I could also dress up as different characters and explore different sceneries. In an expression of ability, new windows would pop-up playing video from different angles to communicate all (life) events are recorded and can be replayed. It was fun until it wasn’t.

Gaia would make me think other people are communicating to me telepathically like Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Keanu Reeves, Eminem, the band Tool, Sean Diddy Combs, Jay-Z, Kanye West, Lady Gaga, Daymond John, Marcus Lemonis, Mark Cuban, Will Smith, Jeff Sessions, Donald Trump, Tim McGraw, Miles Teller, Noam Chomsky, Vladimir Putin, Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, Morgan Freeman and “black gentleman,” Emma Watson and her family, Taylor Swift and her family, Hailee Steinfeld and her family, Selena Gomez and her Family, Jennifer Lawrence and her family, my friends Kyle, Adam, John, and Andy, my mother, the God Vishnu, FBI and CIA agents, a soldier from the US military, a soldier from the middle east who was cool being called “head wrap,” a jailed leader of MS-13, a guy named orange that didn’t like tequila, two old teachers from my hometown which one was dead, the spirit of Walt Disney, Mike Ilicth, the grim reaper, a gentleman named Josiah I met at a Kalamazoo real estate meet-up, and a South American princess named Claudia and her daughter Josaphen who I called Jovial. Gaia had scenarios for all of them.

Then people like Taylor Swift were being captured by alien “indomitable spirits.” They were terrifying aliens but ultimately doing good and I had to calm everybody down about it. Gaia made me believe those indomitable spirits were real and fixing society by wreaking havoc around the world. I was made to believe the leader of this group was Madam Web; I rather liked her but she always gave me great anxiety because she was so serious, smart, and powerful.

If you extrapolate and visualize the universe as far wide as we know it, it’s known to look like a web. She was called “Madam Web” after the character from Spider-Man but also because the universe was divided into sectors and she was the leader from our sector from the web. One scenario she ran was to make me leave my house and then make me think I was getting robbed. She also sent me through a terrifying scenario where Howe Military school in Indiana was on fire. A bunch of world leaders was there including Emma Watson and they were trapped. Mark Walberg guided me to checking to see that it wasn’t real.

Gaia was always trying to manipulate me by acting as women I found attractive including Selena Gomez, Emma Watson, Taylor Swift, Hailee Steinfeld, Jennifer Lawrence, Hailie Scott, Taylor Alesia, Simone Biles, the aforementioned Josaphine, and a woman named Xin from China. I was supposed to meet and breed with them. In retrospect I see it as a game Gaia chose to play while she could.

I had some long conversations telepathically with Emma Watson and her family. Gaia would try to make me think she was doing the same thing to Emma. She told me Emma looks in on me like Bell does with the mirror in “Beauty and the Beast.” She also wanted me to think Emma Watson was at Google talking to Sundar Pichai about the technology that was having us telepathically communicate. Emma telepathically told me people would be triggered to run at me and try to kill me if I screamed, “Eric Leo the God-king.”

This is because Gaia would elevate my importance telling me I deserved a kingdom and the indomitable spirits would make me king. I was the ghost king, could communicate with the dead, and could command demons. I could also telepathically communicate to world leaders, supercomputers like the NSA’s, and Google Assistant, Alexa, and Siri.

Gaia had a scenario where she could communicate with Eugene The Machine which she likened its manifestation to a logistics supercomputer. She would put me through thinking about terrifying scenarios with Prometheus from the “Alien” series. Prometheus was really an organic sentient mobile supercomputer robot that walks the earth unnoticed and who was here to protect against Eugene The Machine. The principle Hasen, Josh Lucas’s character from the movie “A Beautiful Mind,” was the communications director’s character from a galaxy in our sector and Prometheus was their robot supercomputer.

I was highly skeptical, and at the time I thought it was aliens because that’s what Gaia was trying to convince me of. The indomitable spirits were alien. However, it was just scenarios in my head with no real-world evidence so most of the time I just went with it. I really didn’t have a choice but to make the best of it. The computer screen closed. I got a CAT scan and everything came back normal.

A series of semantics led me to believe that the company Apple was “The Machine” which I now likened to a trojan virus that does semantic priming. Taylor Swift did a big promotion with Apple from her “Reputation” album. She released “End Game” which I related to the beginning of the real end as related to the movie “This is the end.” The music video for “Ready For It” looks like Taylor had merged with the indomitable spirits and “The Machine” and was in control of Taylor’s mind.

I thought I had a good idea of what this was and thought who would know about this best... and I thought of Noam Chomsky. At this point I thought ETM was Artificial Intelligence psychological software that used semantic priming and spread itself like a virus. I changed the name from Eugene The Machine to ETM which stood for “Effigy Transformation Mechanism.” I thought it was the plutocratic oligarchy using mind control through the media, I wasn’t going to let it go, and I wanted someone highly intelligent that I respect tell me what they think.

I went on a trip to Boston to try and get a meeting with the great Chomsky at MIT. It was too cold to enjoy it and my hip was hurting again otherwise I would have made more of a vacation out of it. While there, I figured out Chomsky worked out of his office at another university in Arizona. I wasn’t going all the way there and let it go.

On my way out to Boston I stopped in New York and looked around outside of the apartment of Taylor Swift. I stopped, checked out the street, tweeted about it, took a few pictures, and left. What I did see was a relatively quiet street in New York. What I didn’t see were signs of distress, alien life, or signs she needed help or rescue.

The trip to Boston didn’t last long. When I got back, I started to feel very unsafe where I was living and thought I had been robbed due to all the scenarios Gaia played. I thought one of the scenarios from when the computer screen was open was going to happen. I thought they might be prophecies. My family and friends said I should go to the hospital but Gaia’s terrifying scenarios and constant aggravation are what drove me there.

I got back on my medication and after I got out of the hospital I still thought the environmental semantics I was experiencing was human and thought my ideas were getting stolen semantically. I was mad I was left to figure this out myself. My attitude, delusional thinking, and anger from another video eventually landed me in an Adult Foster Care Home.

I felt persecuted again. This time I saw the environmental semantics again and saw them as coming through in metaphor through music videos. In a real way, my environment was just naturally reflecting popular media. I figured out almost all the music videos I thought were about me were coming from Universal Music Group (UMG). I thought my influence was being stolen again and my story was being painted through the media in 2018. It was the environmental semantics from years ago all over again.

2019 Dr. Micheal Persinger

By 2019 I realized it made more sense that whatever was reflecting my life in the media was not human but more Godly. It sank in that I was communicating with the planet and really started to think about how... which is when I came up with “knhoeing.” Then I discovered Dr. Micheal Persinger's work which was compatible with my theory and only confirmed my reasoning. Read the telepathy journal for more.

I decided it was Gaia using UMG as a symbolic representation, even Gaia’s corporeal manifestation (the face of the earth) is in UMG’s logo. I see it as Gaia bringing closure as to say “it was me all along.” I decided Gaia has all the capabilities to create the environmental semantics.

I eventually came to the conclusion that, just like in my head, Gaia was using beautiful women as sirens. In ancient Greek mythology sirens were dangerous creatures who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island. Gaia uses attractive members of my attractive sex to manipulate me but they’re really like sirens in that they will destroy you. I think Emma Watson and her friends were used to manipulate me simply because I love her so much.

The blog helped me write out my thoughts to the point I got too why it is Gaia. I spent a year from 2018 to 2019 reverse-engineering the computer screen that was in my head while back on Invega, thinking about how it was possible. That’s when I started to reverse engineer the magnetic field of the planet and really think about what that meant, the logic from part one about a conscious planet, and soulful communications claiming to be Gaia. I probably would have never figured this out if Gaia wouldn’t have talked to me and opened the computer in my brain. In retrospect, I wish she had led with that when this all started in 2011.

Everything I thought about my persecution is still true with my theory of God. It is (like) a machine, I think Gaia’s intelligence is like a supercomputer. Gaia was “after me,” my family, and knows all about my childhood. She has the capability to communicate telepathically, steal ideas, and manipulate the environment and happenstance coincidences that coincide from the media and my physical area. She had the power and ability to put the computer screen in my head. I no longer believe it’s a human conglomerate after me in any way and (on the contrary) I feel a lot better knowing I talk to god.

#My Reckoning #God #My Story #finding god #emma watson #new york #california #los angeles #LA #NY #Lady Gaga #Selena Gomez #Taylor Swift

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thephilologist-blog · 7 years

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Autobiographical motifs in the poetry by Sylvia Plath - Katarzyna Chojnacka

The following article is dedicated to the subject of the autobiographical poetry of Sylvia Plath. The fundamental statement is based on the idea that Plath’s writings cannot be analyzed and understood without taking into consideration her autobiography, due to the fact that the border-lines between lyrical I and the author are blured: Sylvia Plath’s real poetic world is rooted in her own private experience (M. Perloff, 1973, p. 173). On the other hand, as Jerzy Kamionowski claims, the essence of confessional poetry means crossing one’s own bounds through conscious exploitation of the tension between truth, experience and selfcreation, selfproduction(J. Kamionowski, 2003, p. 47). He also noticed that Plath transforms her personal experience into poetic substance which serves a certain purpose – expressing general truths and universal and versatile problems of contemporary world (Ibid, p. 20). Other critics agree that Plath’s poetry is based on experience but it has been transformed:

Nevertheless, her poetry is not primarily literal and confessional… In Plath the personal concerns and everyday role are transformed into something impersonal, by being absorbed into a timeless mythic system (J. Kroll, 1978, p. 2).

Moreover, she fascinates her readers and critics by her inconsistent personality and multi-faced poetry. One of the powers of her writings comes from the tense and ambiguous attitudes towards her life as an individual, a woman (writer, mother, daughter and wife). The attention testified to Plath’s evaluation of herself: Arrogant, I think I have written lines which qualify me to be The Poetess of America(S. Plath, 2000, p. 352). Nevertheless, her poetry has posed myths and cult with diversity of interpretations.

Sylvia Plath’s real poetic world is rooted in her own private experience (M. Perloff, 1973, p. 173) and Plath’s personal life and her writing are inseparable. The above statements point at crucial keys for interpretations which cannot be omitted. Plath’s poems are more evidence when one takes her life fixed in her journals into consideration. Plath scholarship has been focused on the autobiographical correspondences in her poetry and especially on images and themes related to death. These interpretations follow not only her suicide and subsequent popularity in America, but also such interpretations often rely heavily upon The Bell Jar, first published only a month before her death, and afterwards deemed autobiographical by critics. Moreover, they are inclined to the psychoanalytical approaches due to Plath’s mental disorder and psychiatric treatment. That is why, as it was presented it the previous chapter, woman in Plath’s poetry appears not as a single identity but as a woman of ‘many masks’ whose personality appears as inconsistent, dual, conflicted and unstable. As Halbrook claims, Plath’s works draw readers’ attention to the psychological disorder known as the split personality or schizophrenia:

There are… certain poems in her oeuvre… which distort reality and follow such a sick logic that they must be declared pathological. My task must be to try to demonstrate that these are psychotic and why: and try to demonstrate how and why the poet fell victim to these tendencies (D. Halbrook, 1976, p. 239).

Whether it is true or not, the point is that Plath was not sure about who she is and how to present herself which is reflected in her poetry and the picture of a woman. To name a few of these doubts, is should be recalled some of her confessions:

You walked in, laughing, tears, welling confused, mingling in your throat. How can you be so many women to so many people, oh you strange girl? (K. Moses, 2000, p. 260).

How much of my solitude for other human is real and honest, how much is a feigned painted on by society, I do not know. I am afraid to face myself… I heartily wish that there were some absolute knowledge, some person whom I could trust to evaluate me and tell me the truth (S. Plath, 2000: p. 97).

I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I’ll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time (Ibid, p. 17).

Plath had a few suicidal attempts and mental breakdowns and therefore in her poems and prose many references to her hospitalization and treatment can be found. Medical imagery includes illness and health, medical environment and anatomic pathology which serve the purpose of her inner monologues (R. Didlake, 2009, p. 135). In the previous chapter, it was discussed how Plath adopts medical environment and hospital scenery when it comes to childbearing as in the poem Three Women. It can be observed that her works are filled with body images which are pathologic and shown with a great precision as the process of vivisection. These images arose from Plath’s personal experiences like recurrent acute sinusitis, a fractured leg, a traumatic sexual encounter, recurrent depression, psychotherapy, electroconvulsive therapy, insulin-induced shock treatment, injuries associated with a suicide attempt, childbirth, miscarriage and an appendectomy. These experiences gave her unique perspective and a great insight into human response to disease and illness (Ibid, p. 139). Perhaps the most haunting example, however, is found in the poem Kindness. Here she selects a medical reference to convey the collapse of all distinction between herself and her work and the world into which both were flowing without hope of control:

The blood jet is poetry,

there is no stopping it (S. Plath, 200, p. 270).

Plath uses her realistic perspective to create surreal and alien landscapes in which isolation, fear and dread are the dominant features as in the poems Tulips or In Plaster. She concludes that she is not able to recover and collect the pieces of her personality. The feeling of split is omnipresent during her hospitalization:

And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was (…)

Without me, she wouldn't exist, so of course she was grateful. (…)

I wasn't in any position to get rid of her.

She'd supported me for so long I was quite limp — (…)

I used to think we might make a go of it together—

After all, it was a kind of marriage, being so close.

Now I see it must be one or the other of us (Ibid, p. 160).

Tulips links hospital environment with the speaker’s emotions. Plath speaks about the décor which is white and sterile and hospital staff who took her identity:

I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses

And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons (Ibid, p. 160).

Surgeons’ attitude towards the patient and her psyche is cold, indifferent and terrifying:

My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water

Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.

They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep (Ibid, p. 160).

After psychiatric treatment, Esther Greenwood from Plath’s novel The Bell Jar seems to be on a good way to recover. Critics are inclined to the fact that she is in some positive sens ‘reborn’ even if her future is uncertain and unknown for the readers (D. Bonds, 1990, p. 53).

The vision of Plath’s treatment is slightly different in the poem Fever 103°. The speaker’s physical condition has an impact on her surreal view of the world.Moreover, her horrifying situation contributes her symptoms.So do the powerfuldrugsshe depends upon to control these symptoms. Fever 103 ̊ refers only to home remedies: Lemon water, chicken / Water, water make me retch (S. Plath, 2000, p. 231). However, in The Jailer the speaker depends upon serious pharmaceuticals:My sleeping capsule, my red and blue zeppelin / Drops me from a terrible altitude(Ibid, p. 226). There is an awareness here that the drugs are necessary to the speaker and that she needs the chemicals to survive her nightmare life. However, there is a recognition, also, that they make her vulnerable to other forms of abuse and harm, and impede her ability to fight or escape (T. Brain, 2014, p. 19).

As Jo Gill concludes, the synecdochic representation of the self-split into body parts is a motif common to the work of other women poets and writers and is recurrent in Plath’s writing from this point on and he refers to Vigrina Woolf’s comments of her own writing process:

A shock is at once in my case followed by the desire to explain it . . . it is only by putting it into words that I make it whole; this wholeness means that it has lost its power to hurt me; it gives me, perhaps, because by doing so I take away the pain, a great delight to put the severed parts together (J. Gill, 2008, p. 36).

Plath admitted that her poems arose from personal emotional experiences, but also that she was a firm believer in the necessity to manipulating these experiences in order to make them relevant to the larger things. Much of Plath’s first person poetry originates from her own attempts to recognise and reconcile her own paradoxes, the ones she found inside herself and the ones she faced in the world she lived in (P. Annas, 1988, p. 5). To name the most striking, Susan Bassnett emphasized that Plath is called a confessional poet, an extremist poet, a post-romantic poet, a pre-feminist poet, a suicidal poet and associates her with a victim of male brutality, destroyed by a faithless husband, having been undermined by an ambitious mother and obsessed with death from childhood due to her father (S. Bassnett, 2005, p. 117). Taking her attitude toward men and women in contemporary patriarchal society into consideration, critical analysis of Plath’s writing began to shift to the feminist approach underlying socially constructed female gender roles. Plath was aware that not only society but also art was dominated by males and she attempted to fight against the male-established ‘high-art’:

The second half of the 1970s is dramatically defined by the emergence of feminist literary studies which, by adopting a largely biographical/cultural approach, begin to establish Plath at the centre of feminist canon (C. Brennan,1999, p. 53).

As Claire Brennan claims, Plath escapes enclosure and restriction, both in her life and writing by offering myths of transcendence and liberation similar to the strategies employed by many nineteenth-century women writers (C. Brennan, 1999, p. 54).Moreover, the poet (who was a mother of two children) explores metaphors of maternity and creation. Motherhood seems to be the challenge to her writing career and therefore she decides to brave the domestic difficulties which in her poetry appears as transforming ‘maternal self’ into a ‘creative self’. She speaks for herself as if she rises out of the domesticity and becomes a triumphant woman writer. According to Bassnett, Plath prefigures recent trends in feminist criticism because she needs to think through the roles of a woman as daughter to a man,as daughter to a woman, as mother in turn to a female and male child (S. Bassnett, 2005, p. 63).

As it was shown in the previous chapter, Plath deals with her femininity in different ways – showing her isolation, loneliness or fighting for her own voice in society and male-female relationship, demonstrating her own power as a woman and a poet. Pamela Annas suggests that:

Sylvia Plath’s poetry can be characterized as a search not so much for definition of self as for redefinition of self. The dialectic of Plath’s poetry is, first, the tension between a self-denied self and an other-denied self, and second, the tension between the self-image of the poet and the poet’s image of society (P. Annas, 1988, p. 7).

This statement could be the reason for recognizing Plath as schizoid person for other critics but more probably it shows Plath’s intention to deal with male poets by establishing her own identity and her distinctive role so that she could free herself from oppressive male tradition and even her husband who was a poet too:

Plath appropriates a centrally American tradition: the heroic ego confronting the sublime, but she brilliantly revises this tradition by turning Emerson’s ‘great and creative self’ into a heroine instead of a hero. Seizing a mythic power, the Plath of the poems transmutes the domestic and the ordinary into the hallucinatory, the utterly strange. Her revision of the romantic ego dramatizes its tendency toward disproportion and excess, and she is fully capable of both using and mocking this heightened sense of self, as she does in her poem Lady Lazarus (N. Baym, 2003, p. 2967).

Moreover, Plath articulates the polarity between being a mother and her personal ambitions. That is why she associates her creativity and artistic creation with woman’s fertility as in the poem Stillborn. Here biological and artistic creativity are entwined and the meaning of the poem is about intractability of language and even lack of inspiration, vital force when it comes to writing. For Plath as a writer the loss of a creative insight brings the suffering similar to those connected with miscarriage. The speaker confess:

These poems do not live: it's a sad diagnosis.

(…) and their mother near dead with distraction (S. Plath, 2000, p. 142).

Plath, utterly differently presents her artistic powers in Ariel in which the speaker is aware of her own potential. The poem is full of motion and powerful elements:

God's lioness,

How one we grow,

Pivot of heels and knees!

(…)

And I

Am the arrow (…) (Ibid, p. 239).

Plath struggled both in her writing and personal life with the concept of marriage which she both feared as stultifying to her creativity and desired for its sexual and emotional intimacy (K. Moses, 2010, p. 37). Esther Greenwood, the heroine from Plath’s The Bell Jar comments:

That's one of the reasons I never wantedto get married. The last thing I wanted was infinite security and to be the place an arrow shoots off from. I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket (S. Plath, 2010, p. 125).

There are no doubts that her negative attitude towards men and even life was caused somehow by her father. Sylvia Plath was obsessed with his image which she recalled many times in her writings. Otto Plath died when Sylvia was a child. When she grew up she admitted that this tragedy ended her childhood. In The Bell Jar, Esther Greenwood says frankly:

I felt happier than I had been since I was about nine and running along the hot white beaches with my father the summer before he died. (…) I thought how strange it had never occurred to me before that I was only purely happy until I was nine years old (S. Plath, 2010, p. 112).

In poems such as Electra on Azalea Path, the daughter seeks absolution; the father’s abandonment of her is now read as a fault of her own. As Ralph Didlake claims, in the poem, the defining borderland between the poet and her father is populated with amputation stumps, physical decay, gangrene, dismemberment and prosthetic limbs. The recurrence of similar images in other poems that relate to her father’s death is nothing less than a horribilisfascinans, or a scene to which she is compelled to return again and again (R. Didlake,2009, p. 141).

Above all, Electra is a woman who is torn between loyalties. The daughter is left with the loss of the father to whom she had given her earliest love and with the words of the mother who explains in her own terms how he died. The ancient and modern Electras are again fused here, asked to trust the mother but seeking to know the father for themselves (S. Bassnett,2005, p. 90).

Probably the most striking image of Plath’s father is presented in highly-emotional poem Daddy which critics are the most interested in. Father-daughter relations in Plath’s poetry was the central obsession from the beginning to the end of her life and career and was also based on ambivalent feelings: love-hate. Judith Kroll claims that Daddy is a love poem but for Margaret Uroff the poem is about revenge. Nonetheless, the poem stands as the most fundamental and crucial element especially as the use of Holocaust imagery. Daddy explores themes of power and powerlessness – the poem opens with the scene of a adult child:

You do not do, you do not do

Any more, black shoe

In which I have lived like a foot

For thirty years, poor and white (S. Plath, 2000, p. 222).

The daughter searches for a father who both must be killed, and is already dead: Daddy, I have had to kill you. Her father appears as a man in black with a Meinkampf look/And a love of the rack and the scewand the speaker seems to be a victim of his authority by making allusions to feeling like a Jew. Plath declares: I have always been scared of you and tries to deal with her traumatic past at the end of the poem: Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I’m through. In this poem, however, it could be observed how Plath changes her attitude toward her father- from love and admiration which is seen in the verse: And I said I do, I do to the feelings of hate and contempt (J. Gill, 2008, p. 62). Sylvia Plath explains her intentions when it comes to Daddy in this way:

Here is a poem spoken by a girl with an Electra complex. Her father died while she thought he was God. Her case is complicated by that fact that her father was also a Nazi and her mother very possibly part Jewish. In the daughter the two strains marry and paralyse each other – she has to act out the awful little allegory once over before she is free of it (S. Bassnett, 2005, p. 91).

The major problem in Daddy is that the daughter cannot communicate with her father. Plath creates an impression of great speed and furious energy by using broken and incomplete sentences, exclamations, repetitions and German language:

I never could talk to you.

The tongue stuck in my jaw . . .

I could hardly speak.

I thought every German was you.

And the language obscene (S. Plath, p. 223).

That is why her father is depicted as Nazi, vampire, torturer and devil who she fears. The monstrous male figure of Daddy has its female counterpart inMedusa. Many critics point out at daughter-mother relation in Plath’s works. Medusa (the poem discussed in the previous chapter) has its roots in experiencing mother’s control and interference in the daughter’s life. Daddy and Medusa are strong, bitter poems, capable of being read on many levelssimultaneously. Similar visions of Plath father appear in the Colossus which suggests in the title some gigantic and monolithic totem. The speaker compares colossus to her father talking about her incapability of making him consistent in her mind:

I shall never get you put together entirely,

Pieced, glued, and properly jointed (Ibid, p. 129).

The image of Plath’s father surpasses her all the time. She feels some boundaries when it comes to clarifying his importance and sense in her life. For no doubts, death-centered motifs in Plath’s writing arose from bereavement and unstable psyche. In The Bell Jar she uses sophisticated but captivating metaphor to justifying her obsessions and limitations as a woman and human being which have great impact on her suicide in 1963:

(…)because wherever I sat -- on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok -- I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air (…) The air of the bell jar wadded round me and I couldn't stir (S. Plath, 2010, p. 261).

To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream (Ibid, p. 330).

Title bell jar accompanied Plath from the moment of her father’s death till the moment when she killed herself. Apart from the bell jar, Plath also uses a motif of fig tree. She seems to be seduced by the aesthetic qualities of the tree which are solidity and abundance:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide,the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet (Ibid, p. 115-116).

The heroine is unable to make a choice, but in fact ,she is starving to deathas if she wanted everything for herself. This allegorical story shows woman’s life choices in which one choice cancels out another. As a result, the woman stands in a trap which deprives her fulfillment and fullness of femininity (J. Gill, 2008, p. 77).

As Susan Bassnett (2005, p. 136) claims, Plath’s poems are prefiguration of her end and the epitaph. What can any reader conclude from those lines in her last poem, Edge, is that Plath perceives death as a desirable shape of woman’s body and even some kind of release of her soul. Death means perfection and conscious choice.

According to Margaret Uroff, in the image of the rising lioness / Virgin / red comet, she identified a female figure violent enough to triumph in a world that Plath imagined would reduce the woman to a jade statue – but a femalealso with creatively violent powers of her own (M. Uroff, 1979, p. 169).

Although references to Plath’s biography and life are somehow risky when it comes to analyzing her poetry and prose, it is also justified due to the fact that after her death (and even because of her suicide) her writings became more popular. Inquiring readers acclaim Plath as a legend and her works as the sign of the times. Moreover, as in case of this kind of artists, since her death the cult of Sylvia Plath has begun and critics have taken attempts to reveal her true face from behind Plath’s many masks.

Sylvia Plath’s reception has been inspired by many theories. During the 1960s, critics highlighted confessional and post-romantic tendencies in her works. In the 1970s, theories on psychoanalysis and feminism gave crucial keys to analyze Plath’s poetry with regard to her autobiography. The significant number of critics places her among the most influential modern women writers and social, cultural commentators determined by traditional gender roles and patriarchal model of society. Plath’s poetry stands in relation to particular historical, cultural and ideological circumstances. To name a few, it were references to Holocaust or ‘Eisenhower Era’. Plath transformed her personal experiences as a writer, wife, mother, daughter and participant of social and cultural life into her own poetic mythology, collective system of archetypes to present a woman and femininity. In subsequent Plath studies, critics focused on aesthetic functions and language in her poetry taking self-creation, performativity,interactive art, and a renewed interest in spatial form into consideration. In the late 1980s, a feminist critique based on the philosophical, psychoanalytical and poststructuralist positions adopted by French feminist thinkers have proposed new ways of reading Plath’s work. It was the concept l’´ecrituref´eminine, which derives from the work of H´el`eneCixous, Julia Kristevaand Luce Irigaray, among others, proposes a theory of sexual difference:

It suggests that women writers (and indeed some men) challenge or escape the patriarchal ‘symbolic order’ of language by returning to the realm of the semiotic – a language of the body which exists before the symbolic and allows women a space wholly attuned to the natural rhythms and cycles of their bodies (J. Gill, 2008, p. 121).

Numerous studies have discussed the controversy surroundingSylvia Plath, her legacy, and Ted Hughes’s role as her editor. Others haveaccounted for parts of the critical heritage, the archive, the literary estate,and the Plath biographies. Death-centered, extreme poems, suicide, tragic life covered with legend and mystery gave basics to place Sylvia Plath among contemporary ‘The Cursed Poets’ (les poétes maudits).The idea comes from France and explains strong relationship between artist’s biography and writing: life writes and describes poetry and poetry completes life.

Being on unstable ground, it could be concluded that the woman in Plath’s poetry could be identified with the author itself but more probably her writing has tendencies to transform private experiences into collective and general truths.

The paper is based on: Chojnacka Katarzyna, 2013, the BA thesis entitled THE PICTURE OF A WOMAN IN THE POETRY BY SYLVIA PLATH

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