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brooklyn-queer · 7 years

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Alright, below the cut is a long thing that I want to put somewhere in the web abyss but since I don’t really use my tumblr anymore/don’t really know anyone on tumblr I figure this is as fine a place as any to put it

Some people knew I used to get too fucked up at parties but did they know about the constant weed smoking, the straight everclear shots alone in my room, the Valium, the keyboard cleaner, the paint sniffing, the LSD, the binging and purging, the sex and love addiction, the Adderall, the snorting caffeine pills?

How every other Friday, I would spend my entire bi-weekly paycheck on booze and drugs?

How I pawned my camera, my most prized possession, for drug money?

How I borrowed cash for food and spent it on booze?

or the nights i drank rotten hooch stored under my bed when I didn’t have money?

the nights i drank vinegar because I didn’t have any more hooch?

the nights i drank vanilla extract because I ran out of vinegar?

the nights I drank hand sanitizer because I ran out of vanilla extract?

Did anyone know that I hadn’t had a sober conversation with them in years?

Who am I kidding? plenty of people suspected I was an addict. the only people bold and caring enough to address it with me had to face my drunken angry tantrums.

I was sick. I was so fucking sick. In highschool, my friends nicknamed me “Sunshine” because I radiated joy and optimism. I laughed until I cried, I was always there for my friends, I was a good listener, I was kind. I had many skills and I worked tirelessly to perfect my crafts. Once I started using everything began to unravel. I desperately entered competitions to prove that I could still perform. A blue ribbon meant I wasn’t worthless, right? I obsessively sought romance and sex in places I shouldn’t have because I needed to prove I was still lovable. I compulsively badgered my friends to prove that I wasn’t isolating myself in my using. All the things I did before for enjoyment or for others became about Me and gaining validation that I wasn’t losing my fucking mind.

I thought about my rapist and my rape every minute of the day. Everything triggered the thoughts: cars, mens bathrooms, belt buckles, Owl City songs, glasses, haircuts--it was fucking insanity. When I wasn’t reliving my rape, I was mentally playing out future rapes,

dreaming about my loved ones assaulting me,

obsessively imagining my loved ones dying over and over and over and over

picturing my cats mangled squished dead body

imagining my fathers death over and over and over and over

walking along the road I was terrified I was going to jump infront of a car without thinking about it and I replayed my death over and over and over again

every morning i checked my body for bruises or signs of a rape, every night i made myself listen to that Owl City song 8 times in a row even though I always had panic attacks during it, before sleeping I would lock and unlock my door over and over and over at least 10 times until i could get my brain to shut up for 30 goddamn seconds

I see now why I wanted to hide from my brain. I see now that I only made it worse by doing so.

The closest I got to a quiet moment was when I was high, but apparently the thoughts didn’t stop after using. All I did was shove the burden of my broken brain onto whomever was my caretaker for the night. If I was blackout drunk someone else had to take care of my brain for a while which is a pretty fucked up thing to do to someone else. Since I spent so many days blacked out, I’m sure that the worst pain I have caused others I have absolutely no recollection of.

I was simply in a lot of pain. I had a lot of trauma and resulting mental illness that I refused to deal with. I wonder how I got addicted but when I think about it, someone who treats their body and problems like I did was bound to seek comfort anywhere. Weed was my drug of choice but alcohol was right behind along with pills and self harm and sex and unhealthy relationships and extreme risk taking.

Who knew that within 5 years I would have morphed into a complete monster entirely unlike the person I was before? I wish I could adequately describe the horror of addiction, how it is a disease that eats who you are, that it is a sickness that attacks your soul. That the person I had become last year had nothing in common with the person I was before using. How in hindsight it is so fucking obvious I am an addict but in my active addiction it was impossible to see.

I used to devour multiple books a week--I took pride in my love for knowledge. By my rock bottom, I hadn’t finished a book in over a year. I could barely bring myself to skim the articles I had to read for school. My brain was so fried I couldn’t read for more then 5 minutes at a time. I once cried because I got an A- in an honors class but a mere few years later I used so much I lost the ability to read.

Not saying that I was a great person before using because I still had a lot of shit I was working through but the addiction dug out the worst disgusting parts of my brain and brought them to the forefront. All of the good qualities within myself were masked by the addiction. By the end, I didn’t do anything other than use. If a person in my life didn’t want to get fucked up, they didn’t matter. If an activity didn’t involve drinking, I wasn’t interested. Anything or anyone what didn’t feed my addiction was disposable.

Now I’m in recovery. I’m drawing. I’m painting. I’m writing. I’m baking. I’m cooking. I’m listening to my friends and supporting them. I’m gardening. I’m sewing. I’m reading. I’m meditating. People want to be around me. I know how to give them space because I’m not afraid of being alone with myself. I just moved in with an amazing friend. I walk our dog daily. I care for our cats. I cook dinner for us. I am able to support their dreams and aspirations the same way she supports mine. I laugh. Genuinely. I smile in real life and not just in facebook photos. I go to meetings and listen to the stories of other addicts. I do service. I am learning how to be confident without being arrogant. For god sakes, people are paying me to create art! What??? How lucky am I? None of this would have been possible without my sobriety. I have a hell of a long way to go and a lot of catching up to do but I am so grateful to be sober today, in this moment.

I believed that I had to be cruel to the world before it could be cruel to me. I thought being mean and brazen meant being tough. I’m now learning how wrong I was. I was an immature hurt child who played myself off as threatening and mean because I was so scared and insecure in myself. I am learning now that true strength comes in gentleness. It comes with a firm and calm “no” when a boundary needs to be set while being open and understanding of others. True strength speaks for itself. It does not need bravado.

If you think you might be an addict, you are not alone. The first step is walking into a 12 step meeting. The first step is just considering that you might have a problem. You can stumble into a meeting shit faced if need be. If not using seems impossible, its okay. It seemed impossible to all of us in recovery and we are here for you. Getting clean is hard as hell but I guarantee it’s worth a shot.

If you love an active addict, you are not alone. Please remember to take care of yourself. Addicts are sick and they need to be treated with compassion and professional help but that does not mean that you have to destroy yourself to save us. Alanon meetings are a great option to consider--they are support groups for the loved ones of addicts. They can help you work through hurt and resentment. They can help you come up with tools to protect yourself while supporting the addict in your life, or if necessary, give you the strength to walk away from them.

Trauma is hell. Addiction is insanity. Most people I have met in meetings are trauma survivors like me. We are sick and scared people who are afraid to be alive. Unfortunately most of us can’t break the habit until we have lost everything. Luckily, recovery is possible and for that I am endlessly grateful.

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

12 step programs are saving my life right now. I am currently on Step 2 and I am really taking my time with each one. I’m not at the steps where I write out my character defects, resentments, and make direct amends to the people I have hurt--that will come later when I have enough sober time to make sure that I can actually back up my words. In the meantime, this is a prelude that no one will probably read. I needed to get it out there though. I’m grateful for my clean slate, my new name, my new home, my fresh start. I think a huge change was necessary but I am aware that I left my old life violently and full of anger. Luckily those resentments are starting to melt away and it is making space for forgiveness and understanding. It is giving me the space to reflect on my mistakes and the pain I have caused others. When I get to Step 8, I will need to make amends to just about everyone who ever got close to me during my active addiction. For some addicts it takes years to get to that step so in the meantime please know that I am sorry, I am changing, and I genuinely wish joy and happiness in your life.

#cw: addiction #cw: rape #cw: trauma #personal #cw: alcoholism

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hgfstreamchats · 5 years

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127 Hours

Hello! Hello, night human! Wow, that sure is a, uh, UI change, there Terrible, isn't it? Not to be all "it's different, now I hate it", but it's different and now I hate it MOB Hi It's complete trash. Gosh, I JUST started watching this show ((am I supposed to only be able to read half of every post? Seems to be a little... jerky, too. It does, doesn't it? I''m *hoping* it won't do it during the movie proper. ((I'm seeing all of every post, I think. )) Hmmm. Bad. What's this garbage down in the corners? Why is the chat intersecting the screen? I hate everything about this.

Ah, there we are. Hmmm... it isn't for me. Maybe it's a browser thing? Got it. Still jerky though. Yeah. Gosh, I WONDER if this has anything to do with rabbit's new, terrible, bloated design ew, the text entry thing is hiding half my last post Between this and tumblr's new look, can't one thing just stay consistently right? Apparently not! I wonder if I can change my background color... I can't I'm a simple mech. All I ask is for a roof, a cube of fuel, the occasional street race, and to watch a human lose his arm in passable quality. Can humans regrow limbs? Have you noticed the text ad thing in the upper right? Definitely not. This one can't. Well then it's going to get depressing Ugh, it mangles the chat archive, too. Damn it, and it was doing such a passable job before, too. There should be some kind of law about companies making their sites unusable They should at least have to give users a warning I'm not sure where to migrate from here. After this movie, of course. Right, I'm up for changing venues, but probably not right this second. Let this be our last rabbit showing. It'll be symbolic and appropriate. Yes. Unless everywhere else turns out to be worse. Which it absolutely will. Surely they can't all be as bad as this Twitch seemed alright last time I was over there, but apparently they get all... aggressive... about copyright. Charming. How many of these people die? Preferably soon. Preferably in 40 seconds. This seems super dangerous And why are there no safety precautions love 2 hit my head on a rock wall and fall unconscious into cave water What if she had landed on him? He proceeds to do weird things to the bodies. What if they couldn't swim? Gosh, look how perfectly dry they all are now, somehow what if one of them is a mass murderer who wants to use the others' skulls for a drinking cup/ ...It also seems kind of bad to take a route like that where you can't get back the same way, when you don't know the area. And if it is a dangerous area, why split up? This guy is asking to lose his life Since, you know, none of them can leap fifty feet straight up out of the water to get back up that chasm thing Whoooops unfortunate but not unexpected Apparently this inspired other people to go climbing there Of course, because when I want to go on an adventure, the first place I think of is where someone almost died and spent 127 hours trapped It's all fun and games until someone loses an arm! Sorry. (Not sorry.) then it's hilarious They should have left the remains of his arm. I would have gone to see it. This is why you go with at least one other person Or better yet, stay out of holes in the Earth. Yeah, that too This whole venture reeks of Smokescreen. You got that feeling too? Also why you might want to take a cell phone. And pain killers, in case you do have to cut your arm off Take a salt tablet. a what? "Sweet, this is gonna come in HANDY later, for the autotomy" Oh. Really I'm only joking to keep the nightmares at bay. No matter how dumb I am, I have never had to cut my own arm off because of my stupidity, so that's a bonus I guess ((ah shoot, I have to go "Look at it, family. Look." ((Goodnight!) Good night! ((thanks for the stream "maybe I'll just cut that in post" Hah! gaaah Have this play over the scene of him chopping his arm off. I am ABSOLUTELY going to mysteriously vanish for a few minutes when that starts. I don't blame you in the slightest. You think? oh man ... Well, that's something ...and that's something else. Isn't it just? ...Imagination, right His imagination's very cruel. Imagine finding this video I'd be the worst to find it. I have no grace or tact. And it wasn't selfish, going off on his own without telling anyone. Just intensely stupid. Yeah. Half an hour, huh So is, uh This is it, huh 😐 Or is it gaaaah Ugh. ...Wait, he recorded that? Did they KNOW he was recording that? Okay, I guess so. Please tell me we're not going to have a scene of him whacking off. He might have done this sooner, when he had more fluids and spare blood in him. ...Also that pun was unintentional. Excellent. "Also, I don't know how to play and never did." Oh, shut up. I guess after days of this, a lot of people would start hallucination about rocks being out to get them, destinywise. I mean, what's to say the rocks aren't? Why are there gunshots? Okay, brb! Well, that was unpleasant. This was probably how that bone infection happened. oh gosh, looks like I coincidentally missed That Scene! And, uh, the rest of the movie, I guess. Scene missing, scene missing, the end. Was there anything after.... that? Nothing terribly important. I assume he got rescued hello! That was the only worthwhile moment. Let me dig it up. It's amazing he can even walk Briskly, too. And hello there! hat was the only worthwhile moment. Let me dig it up. It's amazing he can even walk Briskly, too. And hello there! "And THAT'S why we always leave a note!" Worthy of video day at the newspark complex. Trying to get out of minding them, eh? At least their arms detach efficiently. Now, let's see. Note to end on, note to end on... Uh Of course it's from Australia Of course. For Australia is the mother of all monsters and the father of all night terrors There's a full episode, but No Fun Youtube took it down, of course. So we can't see a hyena cub suffocate inside its mother's psuedopenis. yeah, and it's not on any of the other upload sites I frequent. ugh, hyenas nature was ESPECIALLY awful to them Nature's a hate filled being. Especially organic nature. Hmm, anyone have any closing recommendations? well, after that... there's a guy who wasted hours of his life ranking Castlevania's monsters by sexiness and he had to discard all the 'obvious' choices like, y'know... most of the humanoids oh hey, y'found it right off I applaud his brave work. Oh man. /me settles in to judge his choices PFFFF Little does he know... ikr Oh, yeah, let's all take a moment to remember Sexy Gremlin ... Please, Mothman is just an owl seen by a drunk person That's worse than any demon. Really? 'cause that's the origin of the Greys, too! creepy owls seen by drunks Ehehehehe. Was Duke Mirage doing the tits-and-ass pose? Probably To be fair, I've read things that, uh... There he goes. Take to the sea. He's home. Ha, your recommended video list looks like mine. Tree only was fun. Maybe a little long, though We'll add it to the list of things to watch in the future. Hopefully on a better streaming platform. If one exists. *dramatic sting* good night! Good night! My pleasure! Thank *you* for coming! Oh, you know I try never to miss these. : ) Anyway, night! Good night!

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