#I shouldn’t have complained now I miss them 😔 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the59er · 3 years

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2021: Sep!

1st Sep 2021, Wed Listening: Tonight, We Fall - ADULT

Hi September.

Hi self. How am I feeling so far? Have I gotten any progress in life, at all?

Am I any happier? Healthier?

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2nd Sep 2021, Thursday Watching: Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (David Letterman!)

Wow my eyes are exxxxxxxtra dry this week because of work and stress, I wish I can take them out and dip them in water.

I survive through fun-doodling on the side.

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4th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: After Hours - We are Scientists

Happy birthday to HH!

I miss hanging out with my very few friends..

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5th Sep 2021, Sunday Listening: Strange Condition - Pete Yorn

Im supposed to be done with at least half of my data quality checking thing for office but I can’t bring myself to work this weekend.

Deep in the pit of my stomach I could feel unease. I know it’s not going to be a smooth September.

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6th Sep 2021, Monday Watching: John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch

Recently my bdd creeped back in so I decided to continue ganti puasa. Today I completed ganti puasa day 2 out of 7.

Today’s mood is 👎🏼 That feeling of yearning for something Im not even quite sure of.

The downside of being a girl is the need to differentiate if you’re either having an episode or you’re merely PMS-ing. I think I’ve been successful so far in controlling my mood swings because I am aware that it affects others especially the people I love like my parents who would experience first hand on my switch from jekyll to hyde. I also have this fear of people leaving me especially since I don’t have that many real life friends, so I try my very best to keep my emotions in check. I do not want to hurt my existing little company.

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7th Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: My Moon My Man - Feist

A friend of mine runs hitammanis & I decided to order one shirt/pants combo and it arrived today!

It looked SO cute on her, but on me it looks like Im wearing pajamas 😅 I need to figure out a way to make it look like baju jalan. Right now I’m slowly accumulating the courage to go out and actually SEE people rather than COMPLAINING about missing people. BUT IS IT SAFE ENOUGH THOUGH??

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8th Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: Riot Van - Arctic Monkeys

Happy birthday to my car! But the road tax tak sampai lagi though..

My dream fantasy car would be a 70s mini, primarily for nostalgic reason. Our mom used to have one in the 70s wayyyy before I was born. She got into an accident once with my two older siblings and they were all safe and the mini was unscathed while the other car was badly damaged. Now THAT’s one british supremacy that I agree to. lol.

But I know it’s not attainable. Old cars are very expensive to maintain 😕

On other news, my brother caught a fever yesterday but today his temperature went down. These days we get extra worried and always think of the worst.

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9th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Put Your Dreams to Sleep - Deepset

Today my brother’s temperature spiked up, so he had to do a blood test to check for denggi & also swab test.. Praying very hard for him to be negative :(

Been sleeping at 2am this week because of work. Even when I’ve stopped at 1am, my head would still be thinking about work..

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10th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: Gymnopédie No. 1

My brother is positive 😔 So my parents and I rushed out to get swabbed. When I got back to my laptop for work, I couldn’t focus at all. I’m scared and worried for my brother and my parents.

I also couldn’t help but feel it’s unfair. My brother went out ONE time to send my mom’s car to the workshop and he caught it, while you see others going out socializing MULTIPLE times but still remain healthy. I know I shouldn’t think and feel this way but I JUST CANT HELP IT. I’m sorry. You will only understand if it happens to you.

And it breaks my heart the most seeing my mother sad.

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11th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Sick Sick Sick - QOTSA

Last night I felt overwhelmingly sad, worried, angry, and just generally stressed.

Thankfully this morning I received news from the clinic that my parents and I are negative. Hamdulillah. Hamdulillah.. At least all of us can focus to care for my brother now. Today he has started to lose his sense of smell and taste :(

Spent my day working. This is what I feel:

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12th Sep 2021, Sunday - Happy birthday to my colleague AY! 🎂 Listening: We are all made of Stars - Moby

Brother’s temperature went down, but today his head hurts. We try not ask him how he is too much in fear of stressing him out. All we can do is pray for his physical and mental strength..

I get on and off headaches. There are times when my migraine gets so bad I feel like hammering my head to get rid of the hammering headache, if that makes sense?

Speaking of hammering, today I sneaked into my Dad’s toolbox and hammered my bedroom wall for my ever growing plastic cups of plants..

I was quite proud of it! (considering that I am terrible at this stuff) until I realised I used the wrong type of nail. I thought this nail was for hanging picture frames, but it’s actually the type of nail that you use to nail down cables/wires......

Ah well. Learned something new today.

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13th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: Wishes - Beach House

I need to make a list of things I know I cannot do or cope with. So that I can refer to it before I decide to do something that could lead to disappointment. I wonder if there’s two of me would I drive myself to be better or would we both retreat and sink deeper into the blackhole of self-sabotaging thoughts.

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14th Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: Dont Panic - Coldplay

I do not have the capacity to care about anyone else outside my family at the moment. Am I considered selfish that way? I am just protecting my herd.

I am tired. My parents are probably more so. It is mentally exhausting.

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15th Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: Dry the Rain - The Beta Band

Found out that Norm Macdonald passed away :( What a great loss. Before I had access to Youtube that led to endless clicks of SNL videos, I remember first seeing him as Billy Madison’s friend!

Busy work week until end of September. Thank God tomorrow we’re on leave.

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16th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Heads will Roll - YYY

JT and I ended up working most of today so it felt like it was a normal working day instead of a public holiday. But I did step out to get coffee and snacks from my usual place.

Sooooo stressed.

Aqi also stopped by to drop off my big cookies! I love seeing her face, she always makes me so happy 🥰

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17th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: Crazy - Aerosmith

Today I watched The Equalizer 2!! It’s just as sweet as the first one! I love how they wrote the lead character to care about everyone around him, even strangers. SO grateful that I accidentally clicked on the first movie on Netflix few months ago! I love the fight scenes so much, Im OBSESSED

After work, I had to go to the clinic because of my eye (again). This time it’s my left eye. It’s infuriating.

Anyway, lol to this eye-gouging scene. Damn puas hati.

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18th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Nothing Ever Happened to Me - Deerhunter

Drove mom around for errands. Saw the frame shop open so finally sent my cheap square ikea mirrors to be framed.

Because everything looks good in a frame..right?

I guess.

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19th Sep 2021, Sunday Watching: Good Boys (2019) - a very cute coming-of-age movie!

I was googling stories about caretakers of people with depression / those living in the same house as people with depression. It must be extremely difficult to try and stay stable so that you don’t go spiralling down into the pit and be depressed yourself.

I wonder if I am a good carer. I wonder if I could ever be anyone’s pillar of strength if the situation demanded me to be.

...

Did a bit of office work and stepped out for double coffee at my usual. It rained throughout the day. It’s kind of nice because I got to wear my hat 😊

Sundaze.

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20th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes

I had a really nice “homemade” nespresso iced latte which is surprising because Im not normally a latte person but I think it’s also because of Sproud. For milk made out of peas, it’s actually VERY delish considering I am NOT a fan of green peas.

Masa kecik2, my Mom used to make telur mata & either green peas or baked beans for breakfast. Guess who played with the green peas instead of eating them..

I avoided swallowing green peas like a plague 😂

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21st Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: Luna - The Smashing Pumpkins

My brother is out of quarantine (hamdulillah!) & the first thing he did was call the car cleaner to come and clean our cars lol.

It feels great to see my parents happy to have my brother back on the dining table eating together. They never really show their joy, but you could tell they’re happy when they are chattier than usual 😄

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22nd Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: My Party - Kings of Leon

My morning felt longer than usual. I did a lot of reviews for work. Nothing significant happened. Mood is good.

I’ve recently started listening to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend. I’ve NEVER listened to any podcast on my own will before, usually it’s in someone else’s car. I’ve been working late a lot more these days and I kept on repeating the same Conan videos on youtube for company, until one night I decided to finally click on apple podcast for the first time in my life (the app has been sitting there idle for YEARS), just to look for his episodes.

& he was just as entertaining in his podcast as he was in his late night show. I love his stories & I especially love his commencement speech to graduating students, I find it very comforting & inspiring 😇

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23rd Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: I dont’ know - Nick Hakim

We had a 3-hour long budget meeting today.

I had kimchi fried rice as comfort food. I had an entire bottle of pokka mocha with a scoop of ice cream. I regretted this immediately.

Mood not good. Decided to talk to a therapist bot. It actually made me feel sadder and kind of pathetic.

I have not yet met anyone except for aqi & HH who swung by the house for less than 5 minutes to drop off food. I think my sadness is because I lack social interaction. I want to go out & see my friends but I’m not even sure if they want to see me.

So rather than be rejected, might as well just stay in?

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24th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: On the Sly - Metric

Slept in. Only went out for my second swab test after lunch but had to wait until 2pm because the clinic was on lunch break. Grabbed coffee as usual afterwards.

Work is making me lose steam. But Im trying to fake it just to make it.

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25th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Seven Years - Norah Jones

I picked up my framed cheap ikea mirrors and I love them! Not sure what to do with them yet though.

Mopped the house and did everything else BUT office work even though I have tons to do :(

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26th Sep 2021, Sunday Listening: Carnival Town - Norah Jones

How would you know if the people you are hanging out with are really the ones you ought to be spending time with? I look at big groups of friends and always wonder if they all get along, or do they have smaller cliques within them?

I wonder how I would fare if I am in a big group myself. Even since sekolah I never knew where I belonged to.

Unfortunately I never grew out of it. Not really looking forward to lone lunches at the office pantry again :(

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27th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: Gravity - John Mayer

Did not finish work & went straight to bed at 11pm. In an ideal world, people dont even need to look at their work anymore after dinner. So why do companies normalize working after hours? Why are we, the employees, even agree to this?

Oh yeah, because currently I personally do not have the financial freedom to quit, so...

...no choice but to give in.

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28th Sep 2021, Tuesday Happy birthday Zul! 🎂

Listening: In Transit - Albert Hammond Jr

We had back-to-back meetings & also learned that one of our big bosses is a HUGE conspiracy theories fan specifically on extra terrestrial life. SO RANDOM.

Finished rewatching The Mandalorian and I would probably just keep on rewatching it until the new season comes out this December along with The Book of Boba Fett!!

Also planning to rewatch Star Wars in sequence except maybe the 7 8 9 sequels because I would prefer the legacy to just end at Luke. I am unfortunately NOT a fan of Rey 😬

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29th Sep 2021, Wed Listening: Because of the Blood - Sin Fang

We had a KPI check-in thing at work to track individual progress & the comment / feedback received about me was on my short attention span lol. I cannot deny that sometimes I DO have problem focusing. But to be honest I didnt realise it was THAT apparent until even the office noticed it. I don’t think that’s a good sign :/

OH WELL as long as it doesnt affect work that much, Im safe (I hope).

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30th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Rock the Casbah - The Clash

Banging headache. Everything annoyed me. Sluggish. I went out just to stretched myself out.

Read about the great resignation and wondering if I would be brave enough to leave. What’s holding me back is my reliance towards the company’s health insurance (which is REALLY good, ngl). Need to do a pros and cons list..

Wanted to draw a hand writing a pros & cons list but tak jadi hahaha

Bye September! You’ve been an intense month!

#rubysep2021 #Illustration

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