#I just don't know why I'm so sad rn

[sagau-my-beloved]

Death At The Hands Of A God

Warnings: general sagau, imposter au, light descriptions of violence/gore, you die/are killed (by Venti), angst

-

It seemed as if the rain was particularly heavy, almost unusually so as it fell in sheets, occasionally catching the light of the moon, making it look no different than strands of silver.

That should have been a sign, the rain, the fog, the agitation of the weather. Mondstadt hadn't faced a storm this bad since before their current Archon, even the winds of Dvalin paled in comparison.

Venti was so ignorant not to pick up on the clues laid out before him by his own nation as he trudged through heavy rain, his bow at the ready and a sinking feeling in his chest.

He would never say he disliked the rain, despite what unpleasant memories linger in the back of his mind from those times. But everything carried a harsher weight when was faced with his current task, one assigned to him by no other than his creator.

Venti stopped to rest a moment, leaning against a tree for partial coverage, though it did little to shield his already soaked clothes. He felt something heavy and unpleasant in his chest as he reflected on the situation, an unshakable sense of wrongness, one that clouded his mind and dulled his senses. You were what he was after, you who posed a threat to the divine order simply because of your face.

He thought back on his creators’ honeyed words, a sickeningly sweet tone that he had never heard them use before, not that they very commonly addressed him at all, which made this particular summons out of place, a mixture of excitement and worry bubbling in his chest as he walked through their temple. To kill someone impersonating them, that is what they ordered him, hinting at the possible consequences his nation may face if he didn't comply with the utmost enthusiasm, the threat of which rang particularly loud when faced with what they had done to other nations in fits of anger.

He knew deep within him that this wasn't remotely justified, that he might as well be punished alongside you if the crime was simply stealing a face. If only you chose to look like another human, or even an Archon, he would have taken your mimicry of him as a complementary. But alas. Those feelings were pushed down and covered by the vow he made to his nation, one born of nothing but love and a promise for a brighter future.

Venti had considered alternatives, confronting you with your motive, begging you to make yourself scarce, making his own judgement on your reasons and framing his response accordingly, but those were all fleeting thoughts, quickly pushed away as soon as they arose. He couldn't get attached, he couldn't afford to think of you as human, and he certainly couldn't afford it getting back to his creator that he failed them.

He had heard about your existence from other sources, apparently being so bold as to walk directly into Mondstadt. You weren't met with pitchforks and torches, his people were more civilized than that, but the hostility was as sharp as a knife. You had left of your own accord after having no luck obtaining food or a place to stay, he had only heard after the fact from gossipers drinking late into the night, the faces of which were forced into his mind as he once again thought of his creators’ threat.

Venti was pulled from his thoughts due to a subtle noise, one almost unnoticeable through the heavy onset of rain, but it was there. A branch and a pile of leaves, something big enough to break them, and no one in their right mind would be out in this weather, except...

He swallowed what little apprehension he’d not already buried, reverting his mindset to something it had been five hundred years ago with the quick draw of his bow. The Archon saw you in the distance, just as soaked as he was, clothes tattered and foreign, scared. A quick death was the least you deserved, one free from suffering, and maybe your next life would be more forgiving.

He aimed for your head, a clear shot even now, but it seemed the moonlight that glinting off his bow caught your attention as you quickly turned your body to face him in a defensive stance, eyes wide, fearful, as if you could see what was about to come to fruition.

Your mouth moved, only fragments of the noise it produced were carried to him, broken syllables and muffled notes the very wind urged him to listen to.

You had said his name.

Venti faltered before the arrow released, for the first time in centuries, its' path no longer as steady or sure as it had been.

It hit your throat.

Venti's legs were moving before he consciously realized, forcing his body to where you fell, as if collapsing in on yourself, until he could finally see you clearly, drenched in rain and golden liquid, mixing together indiscriminately as they soak into the ground below.

There was a feeling of shock, which developed in his throat first, spreading evenly throughout the rest of his body, as if it were in his bloodstream. He looked at your terrified expression, a pained and now lifeless one, holding only fragments of the fear you felt.

What had he done.

Venti felt himself fall to his knees, hands immediately going to where his arrow lay firmly lodged, feeling for a pulse in an act he knew to be worthless.

"No. No, n-no— no. Please!" His voice cracked as his mind caught up with what his eyes were forcing him to behold.

You were the divine creator, Teyvat's one true God, and he had—

No. He couldn't even think it, the word that was on the tip of his mind carried nothing but pain, anguish and insufferable heartache, the likes of which he hadn't felt, well since...

Without thinking, Venti wrapped his arms around you, laid his head on your stomach, forced his eyes closed, and prayed. For your return, for forgiveness, and if not for any of that, then simply for a form of retribution.

He hadn't realized he'd started crying, tears and rain alike falling from his face onto your form, pooling at his eyes until the world around him became harder and harder to see.

The position you both rested in was not unlike that day long ago, forever etched in his memory and resurfaced through reflections.

Was this simple his fate? To find himself holding in his arms the corpse of someone he loved so dearly, over and over again. Was it written in his very being that all good things would be torn violently from him with little care to how it left him shattered, scrambling for the pieces of what little piece of mind he had left.

There was no coming back from this, no form of atonement. He could feel the shackles encasing his wrists, invisibly tying him to this moment, to where you had stood alive moments prior. His days of living freely died with you, forever encased in the space between where your souls had briefly met, and it was no more than he deserved.

It was only a moment later that your body was gone, dissolved into the stardust it was born from, slipping through his arms and carried by the wind that no longer obeyed him. That didn't stop him from reaching desperately, gasping and clawing at the air for what remained, heart in his throat as he begged for mercy, for anything but you depriving him of your vessel even after death.

You couldn't really be gone, not fully, you who so powerfully morphed this world from willpower alone, who disappeared for an infinite stretch of time only to descend again. Even if your vessel may have been no stronger than human, your soul was as old and powerful as existence itself, it would linger on in whatever form it had existed before, watching, waiting.

He would be ready for when you decided to give this world a second chance, he would wait an eternity and more to see your face again and repent a thousand times over, bear any hardships in the time between only to fall to his knees in complete acceptance at whatever you deem an acceptable punishment when faced with your light again.

But first...

It seemed as if there was a loose end to tie up, a deceiver bearing the ultimate sin, one much more deserving of his arrow, and one that would suffer a fate worse than death in your name.

Venti roughly brushed the tears from his face, eyes darkening as he shakily pulled himself from his knees, feeling as if his body couldn't decide between flying or collapsing.

His ‘creator’ would soon face all the fear and pain that was forced upon you, the wrath of a god who had lost everything for the second time, a goal he planned to pursue till his dying breath.

#genshin impact #sagau #genshin venti #sagau impostor au #genshin angst #my attempt at imposter au cause why not #I didn't realize there was like no dialogue until editing whoops #kind of set up so that I can do a part 2 where you come back and we get that fun dynamic #don't know if i will tho #also hi #it's been a minute #how you guys doing #school sucks that's how I'm doing #despite that I'll probably be posting another oneshot tomorrow #not as sad thankfully #anyway yeah this was more just a self challenge to see if i could do imposter au without breaking the characterization I've got going rn #luckily he's just so full of trama that i can make constant references to that to help tie things together #anyway lantern rite how we feeling

[maddy-ferguson]

people on twitter falling to their knees because celebrities are posting pro-israel insta stories how old are you that this matters to you

#and how and why are you shocked when supporting israel is like. the status quo... #if they're not smart but have morals or whatever some of them will have posted something in support of palestinians in 2021 because they're #just like: people dying is sad. which it is! if they don't have morals they're probably saying something like we stand with israel forever #and always like they're the actual us government or something #like i'm sorry how are you shocked that western and especially american celebrities are pro israel #like if you know enough to be disappointed that they are how do you not know enough to expect them to be i'm confused #and also idk being like omg noooo look at me x this isn't you is so weird like. what. again how old are you #anyway this is just like i was saying this summer #like rn doing a thread of celebrities you should unfollow because they posted something pro-israel is kinda pathetic #and the thread has 4.5 million impressions and it's just people going omg nooo sitcom background actor number 3 is cancelled now...like i #think it's so weird #it's probably going to get even worse for palestine and that's so sad #and like i say: brf slt

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

hey hey when Paul (or whoever that was writing the book of Hebrews) tells us not to complain or God might strike us dead, how do we separate that from toxic positivity

#I'm kind of struggling rn guys #being at a *insert denomination here* school full of people who are all trying very hard to appear more or less perfect all the time #is killing my nerves #because see I have just begun to truly break out of my own perfectionism #I wanna put it to death SO badly #but how am I supposed to do that when I constantly feel like I have to perform all the time???? #or else be considered a 'bad example'???? #there are people here who know me. from years ago and only like 3 of them but still. #I don't enjoy sensationalist preaching #at all. and I feel like there's some of that going on here. #sensationalist and also like. massively dragged out of context in order to make a point. #hhhhh. #gurt says stuff #delete later #I have worked SO HARD to get to this school!!! WHY am I suddenly feeling terrible about the decision to come here!!!!!!!! #just... say some prayers for me plz. I'm exhausted and sad and I miss my family right now. #and it feels like all my friends are out there doing Real Stuff (joining the military; getting married; learning hard skills) #and I'm just over here wandering around campus and feeling alone in a huge crowd of people

[sensazioneultra]

i love my mum and i love my cat but he's clearly not gonna get better which we knew would be the case it was only a matter of (very little) time but my mum keeps trying to buy him new different food to get him to eat and again i love them but this is breaking my heart

#he looks so so sick.. #i don't know if there's any point in trying to get him to feel better #when we know it's terminal and they gave him 35 days over 35 days ago #obviously the number is not exact i know that but it is a fact that he's so so sick #and it breaks my heart to see him like this bc if he's pain i really don't think it's good to #keep him around for our own selfish reasons #i wish so badly we could enjoy his presence for longer #but... it's. idk. it might be cruel. if he's in pain it's cruel to not end his suffering #i understand my mum i really do i was the same with our previous cat when she got old and was clearly not gonna last #and in the end i regretted waiting til it happened naturally bc i know i just prolonged her suffering #which was entirely for selfish reasons bc there was no way she'd get better #and it's the same for ripy now. it hurts so so bad i'm crying my eyes out rn #but i can only imagine how much HE is hurting. and what is the point when we know there's no chance #for him to get better #he might die later but having been in more pain for longer. why should we do that to him when he could die as peacefully as #possible with us by his side and so he can rest wherever good sweet cats go after death #idk. i feel so sad. and im here alone crying while church bells ring. and while everything feels meaningless

[sonego]

can i complain about my life again promise you all won't hate me

#(i know everyone already does most likely so i'll do it and just feel bad about it but) #it's not that i don't love my family and i'm not happy to go back home to have dinner w them and all but #god after like 3 hours i'm already exhausted #i feel bad about it but they're just SO exhausting and this house is SO suffocating #i did it i left i did it. why do i still feel trapped #quite literally can't even stomach watching football rn bc i just wanna sit in the dark under my blanket and fucking. idk. cry maybe #and it makes it all so much worse that it's so painfully obvious my mum is tired and probably sad and surely fed up w my father (and my #brother to a lesser extent) #every time i come home i just wanna say sorry. sorry i left you. sorry you're alone. you're not alone but you're alone against the world #and she dismisses my worrying bc ofc she does and i do the same with her worries we've played this dance all our lives #it's just. how do you let someone worry about you when you both know there's nothing you can do to make it better #when you both know the source of the misery and exhaustion is inescapable #god i wish it was. like. i wish this was a movie. where people actually help you in these situations. where there isn't that BIG big big #obstacle that feels wrong to even call an obstacle but it will always forever make it impossible to do anything about the problem #i wish the people who said they'd help gave even half a shit and actually did (it was their fucking job) #going from sad to angry to hopeless to exhausted every 4 seconds i'm so #the thing is i'm not gonna stop coming back home you know? i'm not i can't #i don't even want to #but i wish it wasn't so fucking soul crushing every time bc i don't wanna keep having tiring tiring weeks #and then go back home on weekends and feel the opposite of rested #ok. i should shut up. sorry. i really don't know why i'm even alive atm #delete later #i never remember to delete these (when i remember to tag them in the first place)

[theoculus124]

Life isn't going too well rn-

#Why is everything so much more painful rn #it might be cause of the heat idk #I'm just so sad and I don't know how to fix it

[daz4i]

need a boyfriend but also romance is disgusting but also I'm obsessed with it and want to feel it but also i don't want to commit or feel constricted by a limited relationship but also sometimes the idea of belonging to one person is nice but also no it doesn't i am a person not an object but also yes i am or at least i would be if i could but also i would never trust anyone enough for that but also i wish i could but also

#being arospec and having bpd sure is an interesting combo let me tell you that #sometimes i wonder if my identity in that regard is tied to my bpd. like the belief i won't be able to handle a relationship #bc i know no matter how well i could ever manage my symptoms it won't be enough to make me love someone enough for a steady relationship #so i just conditioned myself into not having romantic feelings in the first place. or something #i guess. i want the good parts of a relationship. but I'm not capable of handling the other parts #which is kinda sad bc i really do want the good parts. but i don't wanna hurt anyone and ik i would #anyone includes myself bc ik if i put too much work into someone I'll absolutely get tired of at some point i will end up feeling robbed #why am i even thinking abt this rn. idk i was perusing some tags and the romantic posts on them made me 😬 #do i need to tag this as a vent. is it even a vent. ig? just not a negative one? eh jic then #vent #i should've been asleep an hour ago oof 😳

[clerk427]

Tags rant

no general theme i just want to yell about stuff

will delete later i think

Upd. I am doing better but won't delete it because archiving purposes and I like to reread stuff like that as diary entries and think "haha what a feeble minded fool i was"

#i think i am now extremely unhappy with my art #all i do is doodle or draw stuff for college that i don't really like #and i mean #it's fun and all #but i don't feel like it's art #and i think i started dreading doing full rendered art #because it will take so long and i need to make sh*t in 5 minutes #i don't know if it's an adhd thing or i'm just impatient i don't know i don't #and i'm sad my faith hyperfixation is fading away because it was so fun #i want to draw john but i don't know what to do w him anymore #i was never good with fanart #fanart is so freaking difficult how do people come up with good ideas all the time #all i can think about is oc stuff but it's almost never pretty and #i don't knowwwwww i am dreading i'll have to work with art #why did i think being a designer is a good idea i want nothing to do w it #i am so afraid of the future i am afraid i will have to work till the day i die #it's scary i am scared i want to do nothing i am tired for no reason at all #i have no idea where to even... live? #i should save up and try to leave this God forsaken country #but i am mortified of living on my own #i am just #i'll be fine i'll cry for a bit and everything will get better #but i am not very happy rn i'm sorry #that's about that i'm really sorry i am just scared #I WANT TO FEEL GOOD FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES AT A TIME PLEASE

[boxwinebaddie]

hi friends, from whatever time it is where you are <3

i just wanted to say really quickly that i am sorry if all of my ask memes are coming out a little slow; to be honest, it's because i spend a lot of time on the answers to make sure they are thorough / put a lot of thought / heart / soul into them, which often results in them being...very long...so posting them takes me a second.

i also apologize if you've been waiting on an ask meme for a long time ( and i do mean long, like multiple months ) i promise that i see it and am stoked on it, i just get rlly distracted by the asks at the top of my box ( me actin all surprised when they diagnose me w/ adhd )

bc theyre so shiny/relevant to the content i am posting usually ( ie. something that has to do with a drabble i recently posted that needs clarification ). i also...x2 have over 90 of them in my box ( some of them are asks i answered but didn't post / repeats...anyways, )

that is not to say that you should not send me asks because i love them and i will answer them even if i have 200, but due to the volume of them, my lack of time, my poor fingers and how much ( lowkey criminally insane ) effort i put into them, posting them is slow goings.

( i also love them so much, i srsly do not care that there is a fuck ton of them, getting them is like christmas to me, i mean that lmao when i wake up in the morning and see them in my box i am STOOOKED )

however, i know you have all told me multiple times you are willing to wait for my content and enjoy it ( tho my brain tells me otherwise ) so thank you for that and know i will get back to all your ask memes as quickly as i can. again, i just take my answers very seriously because i feel very seriously abt responding solidly to all of you. <3

-uncle nina

#my therapist tells me i'm not supposed to apologize for things #but uh i cannot help it #bc i am weirdly inactive on my twitter and tbh don't like it at all because the sp fandom on twitter is so gnar #i prefer to post my updates on here #but yeah i'm sorry they are taking a second it takes me really long to answer them bc i put a lot of effort and love into them #and they ( i hope ) are very thorough #like oh my god rn i am attempting to answer one abt why jersey kyle cant say i love you and its so complicated #bc his brain is soooo complicated and its also really sad and upsetting so my chest hurts lol #but please know its gonna be good when its out and its gonna give you a lot of good information #it will also hurt ur feelings #cheers! mazel <3 #p.s. the asks getting sent to the box provide me a lot of comfort and validation also #bc it reminds me that people are reading them and care abt me and the content i post and stuff #so pls do not ever feel like you are spamming me i like to know how you are doing and if you are enjoying or being traumatized by my work #so sorry abt that and also if it seems like i'm not responding bc i want to there is just a lot of them haha

[yurimage]

It makes me so sad that Soul Hackers 2 got such mixed reviews bc like. This could very much mean the end of non-Persona, non-mainline MegaTen games :/

Like it was the first non-mainline/Persona game in 11 years (since Devil Survivor 2 in 2011) which means the other branches are already not a big priority for Atlus; so, having the first game in a long time from one of these branches not do so well just totally pushes it off of Atlus' radar completely. I worry that they'll just stick to mainline and Persona now bc it seems like anything else isn't profitable for them :(

#Devil Summoner is my favorite MegaTen branch too so like :((( #tbh the original Soul Hackers might be like. my favorite viddy game ever. #very devastating for me if I am right and we never get another Devil Summoner game again #I don't know why I'm thinking about this rn I just randomly got sad thinking about this #zelle.txt #devil summoner

[saintedbythestorm]

Not dad trying to tell me about some big fallout news he heard about from some work colleague 😂 oh what the poor man just subjected himself too.

#it was about that leak from weeks ago. dad got quite the details about it. he walked right into that one. #and that dear sir is why we do not try to bring news about the hyperfixation. i will know about it and you will hear about it. #dude even got the history of fallout 3 as a bonus. since that was the one he mentioned 😂 #he also got a very veeeery long version about why i would necessarily get so excited about the leaks. #you know age of the document. the whole company sale thing. how much the time line clearly has already gone to shit. etc etc etc. #yeah... yeah i think he really came to regret that one 😅 #listen i have only slept 5 hours. am high on caffeine and painkillers- almost had a migraine ok. #which means i have like 0 filter rn and am quite brain tired. i will not realise how long i am going on for once i get started rn. #the info dump has started and it will end when i brain says so. i sure af won't notice I am doing it cause I'm just excited to share #not until i manage to like finish my long ass story do i realise i went on for like a good 20-30 minutes... oops. #and that may just be a generous estimate cause i got really going on the infodump ok. it was a blast. ngl. #i am very passionate about fallout ok. this is what happens when you fall asleep to fallout lore most days of the week. #yes i lost the plot ages ago about this hyperfixation. it makes me very happy. so i don't even care. i will keep doing it. #til the hyperfixation dies and bring great sadness to the lands... til we find something else. god knows when that is though. #i am very ok if fallout hyperfixation just... doesn't go away actually. i like hyperfixation. brings many a solution when upsetty. #.... i really need to stfu up now. hi. 👋 why are you still reading this??? these ramblings of a madman. 😂 #ryder speaking #i got this far before i realised i did not in fact write wouldn't get excited... well i aint fixing it now 🙃

[bewby]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

#can i just move on why am i sso fucking sad and sick oh my god #like of course i worry still if my ex likes or hates me but i wisj it didn't occupy my mind to the point wjere i start questioning my entire #fucking life again #like wjat am i to you. of course it cjanges all ghe time because our relationship was complicated #but i could never hate you no matter how terrible things were #god. idek. idek i'm so sad rn HAHA . fuck my fucking life!!!!!' seriously #i miss you i know our distance is good but i hope you're okay and i'm sorry #i wanna send you my package so bad but i'm scared of hitting you up . . Jahaha. bdbfjxjdh #i don't wanna disrupt your peace

[chrisbangs]

.

#i missed chan so much i burst into tears when he messaged on bubble #i've been crying all evening #i don't know why i'm getting so sad but #i just wish i can hug him and tell him i love him #i feel so gutted rn #he's making me want to make him soup and just cuddle him #i just 😞😞😞 #i love him so much what the fuck

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Living with her is such a weird limbo now I’ve decided to go no-contact when I move out, like I’m sad and annoyed all the time about her bs and her attitude and her gaslighting, but I also know there’s an end in sight so I don’t feel... anything about it at the same time.

Idk I’ve got all these weird feelings/non-feelings going on and I just want to reach that end date so I can get on with my life, I’m feeling very weird lately...

#gs rambling again #like rn she's asleep (yes it's 6pm here) and i had to get my sister up because she's got dnd online with her friends #which is fine but like... she's 19 and doesn't get herself up and i'm sick of it being my responsibility #and mum got snappy at me for daring to wake her up at 4pm because i was going to do food because she was tired and needed more sleep #like why tf are you snapping at me you're nearly 50 years old you should know how to communicate with ppl by now #so i just went back to my room because fuck that and had a cry because it's exhausting and i'm exhausted but i also just feel... empty?? #like i don't feel any type of way about my decision to cut her off i'm not sad i'm not angry i'm not relieved i just... am. #idk i've had enough and i want it to be august already so i can get out and stay out and maybe then i'll feel something about it #just praying sfe doesn't fuck me over again this year 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 #also i really need to talk to my friends about this but i know theyre in a great place and i don't want to bring my sad shit into it #i feel bad for needing them which i'm aware is not a rational way of thinking and i need to open up etc etc #but i'm... i just got so used to keeping it to myself that i don't know what to say or how to open up #and now i'm just spiralling and feeling bad for not talking to them but also bad for even considering it #*gently thuds head into wall*

[noxtivagus]

hflaksdjflsdkhf

#🌙.vents #okay i shld rlly be more mindful of like my warning signs bcs talking a bit w one of my irls rn with apollo in our gc n #TIME IS REALLY NOT ON MY SIDE RIGHT NOW BUT #tmrrw i rlly want to write smth more for them bcs i think she's not rlly doing well rn n we touched on that a bit earlier but #i want to say more. i really do #usually i still manage well on my own but i'm human too n i really realize how my mood gets. like. i feel sad n all when i #don't talk to ppl for a while. #NOT THAT IT'S ANYONE'S FAULT THOUGH OKAY 😭 #wait my mind is rlly a mess rn bcs i'm both distressed n at peace right now n it's confusing but i'm #genuinely fine n i genuinely don't have resentment towards anyone even though it may seem like it. #i hate idolizing others or being too idealistic though sometimes i get caught up in it but i'm aware when i do n try to fix it? #so. from my perspective #though i try to be objective n. separate n be aware of what is subject to me #i'm aware of my own self so. i think i'm decently aware of my own friends too #like their faults n strengths but i love them as a whole n want the best for them. if that makes sense #i really don't know how to describe it right now n that incapability to word it well enough distresses me in this particular yeah but #in my head i really do know n that gives me peace at least n #I'M SORRY I'M REALLY JUST RAMBLING A LOT RN I'M DUMPING N I'M NOT THINKING TOO MUCH OF IT I CRIED A BIT N THEN #it's so hot here i don't know why i'm not turning on the fan n then sorry to my friend ily /p but my energy is low rn n #yk what i'll just do more tmrrw. but my responsibilities w school r fucking me up i think weekends shld be 3 days fr so i can rest #rlly comforts me though when i think of. the complexity of life n. how humans are like. like. more like on how #yk normal stuff abt being human like we all have struggles n i rlly love thinking of how each of us loves differently w different ppl n #how we think i want to learn of all my friends' beliefs n philosophies n ideals n i want to just understand sm okay hdfaljsdkf #i find each of them so interesting but yk personally i have struggles w actually initiating that connection bcs of anxiety n then #it's rather comforting isn't it knowing how others have their own struggles too right? but we still connect. n. yeah #but i shld sleep soon so i'll shut my thoughts off now n priv these posts later bcs i am Genuinely just rambling i'm not thinking too much #GOOD NIGHT <3 ILL FIX MY TUMBLR TMRRW 😭

[daz4i]

i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore

#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth #it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression #hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13 #which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place #at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since #i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it #even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway #i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly #there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt #i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone #and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry #i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig. #nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating #i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could #wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over #nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop #vent #suicide // #negative // #ask to tag #i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that #(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse) #tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐 #sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche