#I envy the friendships that can somehow be extremely close while also remaining stable

[wholemleko]

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#full of so much vicious envy #envying the people who got to grow up and stay stable #I miss when I could read fast and spell correctly consistently #I envy the friendships that can somehow be extremely close while also remaining stable #I envy the people who can feel safe about other people #I don't even know how to put it into words #I envy the people who can hold a job #and the people who can do it in spite of the horrors #and I'm grateful I still have a roof over my head #but this rant is about feeling weak and pathetic in part #cause last time I tried to do a chore more intense than putting away a couple of dishes I spiraled #how am I supposed to live #i can't afford treatment #and I don't think those who have money they can spend on me see treatment as a necessity that is urgent #so what can I do anyways. rot #I envy the people who can just fucking live and still have a grasp on their own mind and abilities #and who are able to be normal about other people #feel normal about human connection #not be craving it desperately while fearing it violently #I want to be able to write like I used to #but I never want to love the way I used to love every again #I envy people who can enjoy something and not let it take control over their mind to an irrational and stupid degree #where things that at the end of the day do not matter in my life still make me go into fight or flight the instant I wake up in the morning #vent