#I don’t get anxious rly on it anymore. it just chills me out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

emotionalcello-makefanfics · 5 years

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WARNING : Graphic description of BLood and Violence. A Mild description of Panic/Anxiety attack ....

And Not Beta Read. Sorry if there’s a mistake.

Click link to read on AO3. Click Keep Reading to read on tumblr~~

Chapter 1 3

Chapter 2

Word count : 2.4 k

From time to time their hangouts on Fridays become less frequent. Tim had already made meeting with Jason -a regular civilian- hard enough with his lifestyle. Back then, Jason would always seek Tim, just taking him out of that busyness for a chill night out. Or just because he misses Tim, and wanted to see his face.

Jason doesn’t do that anymore.

They used to meet once a week, that turned into once in a while, and it’s been two months since Jason saw him last. They would still text regularly though, because even though it’s hard to meet Tim face to face, Jason never wanted to cut Tim off, never. So texting and calling it is, and it’s so much easier than seeing the person physically.

Jason loves when Tim sends him pet pictures. Tim would send a picture Titus the great dane snuggling with Alfred the cat, and it was the cutest sight he’s ever seen.

Sometimes he would check on Tim, asking if things are well. They would call and chat about petty things at work or things they’re mildly annoyed with. Or sometimes just banter about politics. None of them know how they got into that, but they did.

Jason would ramble about novels and Tim about a newfound manga. Talking and chatting like that is easier than meeting Tim, but it gets less and less easy for Jason.

Sometimes their call will be interrupted by someone. Sometimes Tim sends a couple of pictures with Superboy. Sometimes Tim didn’t reply for a month because of a mission, and Jason can’t do anything but to pray to the void and the universe that he’s alive at least.

He hated those days without hearing from Tim. There are times that his hands will start to shake whenever he was reminded that he hadn’t heard about Tim. His mind just whirls into the worst possibility ever and it’s swirling down too fast for Jason to stop.

It gets dangerous when he would drop heavy things in the middle of work. A car engine, a box of tools, his phone, and as a bonus, sometimes they land on his feet. Or when he sees bad news from a villain on TV, the world would spin a little and it’s harder to breathe.

He wanted to check up. He just wanted to walk to Wayne manor and demanded to know where he is.

To calm himself, he reminds himself that Tim has superheroes friends on his side. A Kryptonian as a soulmate too. Tim will be fine.

But sometimes those train of thoughts backfires.

They really have grown up after all. Jason promised himself that he’ll never let Tim grows away from him, but knowing the path he takes, and the soul mark on his body, some things are inevitable. Even so, Tim will be fine. With or without him.

As ridiculous as it sounds, Jason is anxious because there’s nothing to be anxious about.

“Jason!”

The ground is so close to his face. When did he get down on his knees? No, not on his knees anymore, he’s sitting on the side of his hips. He sees his open hands on the grease-stained ground, and they started to double into four.

“Breathe, Jason. Come on, follow my lead.” It’s Mrs. Knope’s voice. Feeling her hand rubbing soothing circles on his back and following her commands to inhale and exhale.

Jason is getting his composure back, enough to look back to the TV hanged on the wall.

A swarm of robots attack in central Gotham. Red Robin is the first to respond. Tim’s bleeding, thrown to the ground, but he keeps getting back up. Jason wanted to run there, to help, to do something.

His friends came in. Superboy carries Red Robin away.

And Jason sighs at ease.

Tim is safe.

Tim will be fine.

++++++++

[Two Months ago]

Tim

Saw you on tv todya

Today

I rly thought you gonn die if not for your bf saving your dumbass so many times

Get back to me after you’re conscious you mad lad

[One Month ago]

I hope you’re on a mission rn and not purposely ignoring me

Or are you still recovering? you better be having some fingers cracked for not replying to me

Jk tho heal faster bitch I need some Alfred’s fluff belly pics

[Three weeks ago]

Tim what’s going on?

[Two Weeks ago]

Hey, dude, I’m just checking in

Saw you in crime alley

You’re dressed as a girl but you ain’t fooling me

[Two weeks ago]

Nvm it’s not you

Where are you tho?

[Yesterday]

Tell me you’re okay at least

Just something

Anything

Tim

++++++++

It struck like a bad feeling. Like a ghost going through your body, sending chills down your spine that can only mean nothing but bad. He’s started shaking like a scared rabbit. The ground under his feet feels like moving like a boat through a storm, he lost strength in his grip and his legs.

He lands himself on the side of the car he was working on, leaning there until he gets his ground again. From far away he can see Mrs. Knope coming over to him.

“Jason, it’s okay,” she turned the TV off, knowing it’s one of Jason’s trigger.

It’s not. Not this time, and the reason is something Jason couldn’t explain. He holds on to her, and regain his breath like the practice she taught him.

“Mrs... Mrs. Knope,” Jason said after finally catching his breath, “I have to go, right now, I’ll work on weekends in return.” Then Jason takes off without looking back.

“What- oh you better!” she scolded before she’s out of Jason’s hearing range.

Running aimlessly, Jason found himself in the depth of Crime alley, trying to look for Tim there and it is as crazy as that sounds, but his mind is awry from rational thoughts to think any differently. So, there he goes running like he’s a scared tourist. Then, after regaining some of his sanity, he calls and texts Tim even though his chat from two months ago hasn’t been read yet. Unsurprisingly, Tim didn’t pick up.

Bearing no fruit from running around, the only reasonable place he can look for Tim is the Wayne manor.

He has absolutely zero fucks at the moment that it’ll make Batman know that Jason knew about their identities. That’s a problem he’ll deal with after he calms his sudden anxiousness. It sounds like a petty reason but currently, Jason feels like dying.

There’s no public transport to the rich residential area, but there’s a stop near there so he takes it. Annoying the people on the bus with the tapping of his foot. He calms himself, thinking about good things, positive things. That maybe he’s just imagining things, that Tim is fine and maybe on a prolonged mission, and he’s making a fool of himself.

That must be it. He just needs to know that Tim is fine, even though going to his home is stalker-ish, it’s just something Jason needs to do. His embarrassment will have to wait.

Jason runs there as soon as the bus’ door open, powered with adrenaline and anxiousness. Soon, Wayne Manor came into view, and he spams the bell by the gate until someone finally speaks from the speaker in a British accent.

“Wayne Manor, state your business.”

“I need to see Tim,” Jason demanded.

“I’m sorry sir, but Master Timothy is still at work.” Oh, that’s good, now he just needs to go there.

“Where? Tell me the adress.”

“And what is your business with Master Timothy?”

“I just need to see him, he’s not returning my calls and texts the past two months. So, just tell me where he is!” Jason is getting impatient.

“Pardon me, but I don’t like your threatening tone, please contact Master Timothy himself if you’d like to meet.”

“No! Mr. Pennyworth I’m sorry just listen to me,” Jason called his name, and the static noise means the butler hasn’t disconnected yet.

Jason felt like his breathing is getting hard, but, oh god, not now...

“I need to see him,” Jason’s breath is getting shallower, he doesn’t want to do this, but Pennyworth is stalling, deflecting, now Jason knows something is wrong. “I know you know who I am, and I know...” Jason gulps, “I know.”

There’s a pause from the other end, and the gates open.

“Please come in Mr. Todd.” The speakers say before it’s off.

Jason runs through the pathway to the grand 4-meter tall door. A butler opens it before Jason has a chance to knock. Face stoic and head high. A balding drey hair, matching thick mustache, judging eyes and dressed in a pristine black suit and white shirt. The old butler moves away from the door and gestured Jason to come in.

The room inside is warm and cozy, but so big that it feels uneasy for Jason that used to tight spaces. Carpeted floor, a high ceiling with a chandelier in the middle of it and a massive family portrait at the end of the wall. Tim is in it, along with Bruce Wayne, the first adopted son Richard Grayson, the second adopted daughter Stephanie Brown, and the blood son Damian Wayne.

“Master Tim had gone off-grid for an hour,” Pennyworth informed, “The others are trying to find him at this moment, we could wait together if you’d like, to calm yourself from having an attack.” The butler eyes him knowingly, eyes fond and understanding.

Jason grits his teeth, impatient, “No, where is the last point he’s offline.”

“If you have any intentions to find him, I’m afraid I can’t tell you.”

“You have to,” Jason stares down at the butler with fist clenched, “Depends on the area, he may not make it.”

“I assumed you knew about Master Timothy’s capabilities, I guess I assume wrong.” The butler shows his deprecating face towards Jason, and he’s not having that.

“Oh I know Tim can kick-ass, but I know these people even more, and their reputation underground. You don’t know how deep those villains connection runs. The people down there will do anything, only for a few bucks, or just something to eat. And you bet they would kill and conspire, and they won't care who they kill.”

Then, the butler’s expression is finally something else than calm stoic, but he stays silent.

“You don’t need to tell me anything else, just what his alias is, and the last time he’s visible. Please,” Jason begged, and it’s hard to control the croak threatening at the back of his throat.

“He’s last seen on Fulton street,” that’s near Crime alley, “his alias is Cal Corcoran.”

Jason sighs a relieved breath, “Thank you, and one more thing, don’t tell them that I’m looking for Tim.”

“Why is that.”

“Because he won't like my way, and I don’t want him to hold me back.”

Pennyworth’s face twisted in regret, but before the butler can say anything. Jason holds his arm in a firm grasp, eyes sharp the other’s pair of old wise eyes.

“I know you don’t trust me, but you have to believe in me. I’ll find him.” He’s filled with unshakable tenacity, newfound courage and an absolute determination to do anything. “Even with my life on the line.”

Pennyworth doesn’t move even a muscle on his face, then he holds the hand on his arm.

“Please bring him home,” the butler finally says.

Jason nods gratefully and runs towards the city. He knows exactly who to see first.

++++++

Jason had never been back here for years. When he left, he never looks back. How many years has it been? Yet everything is still the same. Still so easy to pick the door open. The room still smells foul, and the furniture is just as old and scarce.

An old man sprawled the couch, a beer on his hand and the tactical gear on his body means that he just returned from ‘work. He looks even older as if that’s even possible compared the state Jason last seen him.

“What are you doing here,” his dad slurred in his speech, not even bothered to stand up.

“You are going to tell me the list of your friends and where I can meet them.”

“And why do you think I would tell you?” He smirks, and he laughs, like a drunk. Then he throws the bottle of beer, aiming for Jason’s head, which he gives credit to his dad it was pretty close.

But he avoids it with ease, and the bottle breaks on the wall behind him.

“Get out! Get the fuck outta--” His dad finally shuts up, thanks to Jason’s knife against his throat.

His dad twists his face in outrage, “You don’t have the balls to--” Jason takes the knife away, leaving a red mark on the neck, and sink that knife on his dad’s right hand and through his thigh when Jason sees it grabbing into something in his pocket. The man only screamed for a millisecond before Jason shoved a bundle of cloth on his old man’s screaming mouth.

There are tears rolling down his sunken eyes. Jason never saw him cry before, not even when his mom died.

Jason left the knife there, and pulls another one and place it on a red line on his neck. His dad twitch away, he tried to, but Jason’s knife presses his neck hard against the couch. There’s no compassion left in him for his dad, not ever fear or guilt when looking at the man’s terrified and pained face.

“I will and can kill you if you’re not useful. I can get the names from anyone else, but I figure... You’d like a chance to do your son at least one favor, wouldn’t you?” Jason doesn’t frown, doesn’t show any expression. He doesn’t want to grace his dad with any expression. The knife sinks into the think fled on his neck, and Jason mercilessly drags it towards his Adam's apple like cutting a cake, leaving a trail of red that leaks blood.

“Wouldn’t you?” Jason says more firmly, pressing the knife even deeper.

His dad is shaking, eye blown wide in terror, and finally nods.

“Good, and along with the names, I’m going to need your guns and stash of drugs.”

#jaytim fanfic #emocel's #jaytimweek #jaytimbingo2019

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loveaominedaiki · 7 years

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uHMMMM could I have Kise, Aomine liking this girl who has really low self confidence but never shows it and they think she's like this rly bold girl whos super sweary but they realise one day she's actually rly fragile inside when it comes to body perception or when she has to participate in social gatherings etc and how they react and stuff thxx

I’m guessing headcanons? Sorry if I got it wrong >-

Kise:

When he first met you he thought you were really cool because you were really confident about yourself and in whatever you did.

And you were pretty chill, occasionally letting swear words slip out of your mouth during conversations like it was normal.

He liked that you had this laid-back personality and that you stood up for what you wanted.

And we all know Kise doesn’t like girls who tie him down, so you didn’t give him a hard time because you definitely didn’t restrict him from doing anything.

Despite all of that though, it was only what Kise saw from the outside.

He didn’t really know you that well, all he knew was that he had a crush on you.

When he did take the step forward to talk to you and get closer, he realized that you were a different person.

You opened up to him about how you felt like you needed to act brave to hide how much you were scared inside.

You were insecure about yourself in many ways and that your heart always raced internally when you had to talk to other people.

Kise thought that he was stupid to think that someone didn’t have any insecurities or flaws. He then knew the real you.

“I’ll help you. Whether you like it or not. I can’t stand seeing the one that I love living her life away like this.”

He felt happy about it. He felt happy that you told him about everything.

He felt happy that you trusted him.

From then on he’d do his best to encourage you, compliment you, and help you through whatever you needed.

Being a model, Kise knows what it’s like to feel nervous at social gatherings, or be anxious about looking good enough in front of other people.

“[F/N]-cchi, you don’t have to be scared of what others think of you. Be strong, bold, love yourself, just be you.”

He knew how you felt.

But he also knew that there was no reason to feel that way because you shouldn’t try and be someone else for people to like you.

If you do then, your life is basically a lie.

That was what he taught you.

“So what if you aren’t curvy enough? So what if you don’t have the perfect height? So what if you can’t mingle? It’s these idiots who are setting expectations out there and you’re giving in to them. Don’t. Set your own rules, [F/N]-cchi. It’s your life not theirs. You don’t have to be someone that isn’t you. It just isn’t right.”

Soon you were a different person, a much braver, stronger, and more confident.

You felt like you didn’t have to act anymore, and that you could just be yourself.

You were surprised that Kise didn’t leave you when he found out that you were completely different from what he thought.

And that was why you loved him.

He sure as hell did love you too.

Aomine:

Ok so in this aho’s case, I guess he’s attracted to bad girls.

BUT, that’s not always the case.

When Aomine first met you, he was intrigued by your boldness to talk back to him and even start playful banter.

He liked that you had a personality almost as similar to his, which was what caused him to fall for you.

But then, as soon as the two of you got closer, you opened up to him.

When he confessed to you, you had to warn him about the person that you truly are.

Aomine, in these situations would usually yawn and probably fall asleep.

But he listened.

He never knew someone like you was so fragile.

You seemed okay on the outside but you actually weren’t.

“Wait, why are you telling me all this?”, he would ask.

“Because I can’t let you love me when I’m not the person whom you actually want to be with. I’ve lied to myself, I don’t want to lie to you too.”

Angsty.

anYWAy....

After opening up to him, Aomine felt this bond that was formed between the two of you.

He didn’t know if you felt it or not, but he did, and he was determined to help you.

He would force you to accompany him on the rooftop, and he’d tell you about how you shouldn’t give two shits about being cool, and just be yourself.

“You only have one life, [F/N]. Unless you believe in being reborn or whatever crap but still. You’ll only have one life being [F/N] and you need to live it being the person that you are. If you’re not confident enough, we’ll work on that. Just don’t change who you were meant to be. You were meant to be someone that’s fucking awesome, why are you meddling with that?”

After that being said, you couldn’t deny that you fell for him a thousand times more.

Aomine really helped you to build yourself as a person, and bring back all the good that you’ve lost, and added more value to yourself.

“If you can love a nobody like me, what’s going to stop people from liking an angel like you?”

Okay, that’s enough sappy dialogues for today.

But really, he meant it.

He basically made you found your true identity, and he loved you even more when he found out about your true self.

You were yourself, but ten times better, thanks to Aomine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you like it! Thank you for requesting

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royalblurryfacedbastard · 7 years

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Today was.. decent enough.

I hung out w ES and OG and LM a bit in the morning and I got a lot of fun outta seeing people’s reactions to my face a the bruised up makeup. CG and cigarette dude came up to us when we were outside smoking and she didn’t notice it wasn’t real and she /knows/ how bruises and stuff on the face looks. So that’s a success I guess.

Now I was gonna lie to the teacher and say I got into a fight in class and then after class tell her it wasn’t the truth (I only planned to tell her it was real bc my classmates were there and I tried to prank them) but then I kinda forgot to tell her.

Anyway, I didn’t do much during English class (I p much just finished our PE assignment and then played CAH with DV, A and DG) and then I went to lunch w LM and OG. They had this plastic bottle of soda they threw around and then it just kinda exploded when it landed in the middle of the road. Me and OG drank out of it after it exploded and it wasn’t bad. Just regular soda.

After lunch I washed the makeup off and cigarette dude got sooo offended that it wasn’t real. He laughed about it too though so it was fine. Z got a bit sad I washed it off but my mentor. Oh boy. She was really mad. She isn’t really one to show anger much but I saw she wasn’t very happy when she noticed the bruises were gone. And during ensemble she even said she was very mad at me for lying and betraying her trust and stuff and yeah. She definitely has the right to be mad.

I wanted to say sorry in class but I couldn’t bc she left after a while so I’m most likely gonna send her an email saying I’m sorry and stuff later.

Ensemble class was horrible by the way. It went well first and we played thru our song twice, but then AS and A just got really loud w their guitars and the others left bc of that and yeah. It fuckin sucked and I got so mad bc I couldn’t talk to them and i didn’t sleep last night or eat breakfast or much lunch so yeah I got mad. And frustrated. And rly anxious lmao. So I left early (around half an hour early) and took the earlier bus home tho it won’t get me home early. No bus rly does that. Hah.

It struck me when I was waiting for my bus that I don’t really feel like I’m truly living anymore; I kinda feel like a zombie honestly. I constantly feel I’m running out of time which is very, very bad to combine w my existential anxiety and all that. There’s not much I can do about that, though.

I saw the skater dude I haven’t seen in probably months today on the bus! We kinda awkwardly looked at each other from time to time and he was talking to someone he sat with so I couldn’t ask for his Snapchat or somethin. Dangit. Hopefully I’ll see him again sometime so I can maybe try to talk to him.

I’m home now and I’m gonna eat and watch IASIP and then sleep. And hopefully I’ll wake up early so I can chill and email my mentor and stuff.

#personalstuff

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pussymagnate · 7 years

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7->37

Oh man.

7. Talk about your biggest insecurity.My biggest insecurity is probably either my body (mainly my weight, I rly wish I was more in shape/generally more attractive) or my personality. I always feel like I’m kinda annoying no matter what & I wish I could, not feel like that.8. Talk about the thing that you’re most proud of.Just, whenever I find out I’m doing a job well I’m mad proud that other people think I did it well. Also, pulling my grades up at the end of highschool, and speaking @ graduation.9. Talk about the little things on your body that you like the most.I like my back b/c it’s fairly muscular & looks nice. I dig my eyes (sometimes). My hair is really soft and that’s nice. & My jawline is good.10. Talk about the biggest fight you’ve had.In 10th grade I got in a bunch of fights with the person who I called my best friend at the time. I won’t go into huge detail but the friendship was a bad situation for both of us and I’m glad I don’t speak to them anymore.11. Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.I don’t remember good dreams that much? Usually I’m j chillin & ppl are being cool and nice and it’s good.12. Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.Stress dreams. When I get stressed I have these dreams where something happens and some shit goes VERY wrong. It varies from me getting fired from my summer job to me finding out that a bunch of people actually hate me. They’re just generally rough.13. Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.The first time I had sex was New Year’s this year and it was with this guy that turned out to be an absolute slime man. I was incredibly drunk & it was bad and b/c of that I’m kinda realizing I’m not that into dudes. But, yeah, it was trash.14. Talk about a vacation.I’m on Summer vacation right now and it’s been pretty good. I spent some time with my pals before moving out to Virginia, checking out my college, and now I’m working my summer job at a camp. It’s p nice.15. Talk about the time when you were most content in life.Probably right before I left. I finally stopped feeling anxious when I was hanging out with friends and they did a lotta small stuff that made me incredibly happy. All of it was stupid stuff but it kinda culminated on my 18th birthday n I shed a tear or two on my way home b/c they made me so happy.16. Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.I’ve never rly been to a big party, I just tend to get drunk w/ pals and chill, which is always rly rly good. My birthday was Premium.17. Talk about someone you wanna be friends with.I’m pretty much friends with everyone I wanna be friends with right now! I’m sure I’ll wanna make more when college starts but rn I’m just hoping to stay in contact w/ my pals back in Colorado.18. Talk about something that happened in Elementary School.I was homeschooled during Elementary School.19. Talk about something that happened in Middle School.I started public school, I went to camp for the first time, I moved to Colorado, I was bullied a bittie in 8th grade, n my dad passed away.20. Talk about something that happened in High School.Most of my life happened in Highschool, I met amazing people, I did a lot of dumb shit a lot of times, I made mistakes and fixed them. There’s not enough room in tumblr for me to say everything that happened.21. Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.Already answered!22. Talk about your worst fear.Finding out I don’t mean anything to those around me. Also, not being able to improve any situation I’m in.23. Talk about a time someone turned you down.Any girl I’ve ever asked out lmao.24. Talk about something that someone told you that meant a lot.A lot of the stuff that means a lot to me is small stuff. People really tryin to make plans work is really nice, and people including me in small jokes is rly meaningful. I try to put myself out there to help anyone I can, no matter how close they are to me, so the personal stuff doesn’t stick with me as much as the small acts that show me the person rly cares.25. Talk about an ex-best friend.See question 10.26. Talk about things you do when you’re sick.Eat a lot and lay in bed lmao.27. Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.Eyes are really amazing, so are lips. Also, freckles are really cute, and some ppl have rly cute shoulders. Tbh the human body is just rly pretty in general.28. Talk about your fetishes.I’ve kinda always wanted to have sex outside where it’s really pretty, just in theory b/c god damn man it’s pretty outdoors. Also, I’m not gonna go further than that b/c that doesn’t belong on my sfw blog.29. Talk about what turns you onEnthusiasm. If someone’s excited to be intimate or romantic it’s amazing.30. Talk about what turns you off.People being untrustworthy. People being uninterested. Bad senses of humor. Bad hygiene.31. Talk about what you think death is like.I think it feels like nothing when you actually die. While dying though it’s probably pretty peaceful.32. Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.A park by my house in Indiana. It was named pretty poorly but it was a nice park.33. Talk about what you do when you’re sad.Recently I’ve been letting myself cry. Also I eat or sleep.34. Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.Tbh no physical pain I’ve been through is that bad. I’ve broken my arm n dislocated shit and been mad sore and everything but that’s all just temporary shit. 35. Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.I wish I could stop being such a sadboi sometimes. Also, I wish I would stop crushing on ppl way more attractive than me.36. Talk about your guilty pleasures.I don’t really have guilty pleasures, I just tend to like shit. I guess ironically bad clothes? Who knows.37. Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.I guess all of my exes? That’s kinda a boring answer tho. I tend to think I’m in love with anyone who says they’re in love with me, and then I realize a little while later I’m super not. I did like this girl from my Highschool but uh, never pursued that feeling b/c it never would’ve happened.

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