#How am I supposed to grow w/o critique

[goldenuwuswriting]

Siren's Song: [Miyoung's feedback part two of two ... sorry]

I hope this isn’t coming off as mean or anything because I really did like the story ://

You had a question over the study guide that Johnny had handed out, so naturally you went to office hours to ask before heading to your next class. (1)

 I think there should be a few more details here, like introducing the question (background info) or why the question was hard - this can also be move down later to when the reader asks the question

¶ There (1) was something magical about the voice you heard coming from Yuta’s office. It was so pretty and drew you in. Your feet kept moving towards the door, as if they weren’t controlled by your brain. You reached out for the door handle and turned it. Something compelled you to keep walking into the office, where Professor Nakamoto was sitting in his chair (2) and singing under his breath. 

There should be a transition sentence either at the end of the (new) previous sentence or a thesis statement sentence at the beginning here so that the subject changes fluidly

But was he turned around and didn’t see you walk in? Was he distracted by his work? Did he stop singing immediately when you saw him or did he finish his song (probably not finished his song because Sirens die once their song is finished, otherwise they are immortal … yeET)

Yuta was shocked. You weren’t supposed to hear his ‘true’ voice. He quickly cleared his throat and asked you what you needed.

¶ You were frozen for a minute, as all of the gears in your brain started to move again, you remembered why you were there. 

“I have a question on the study guide that Johnny made. Do you know where he is?” 

“I don’t know where he is, but I could probably help you since I am the professor.” 

You wanted to laugh at yourself for being such an idiot. (1) “The question asks for the differences between harpies and sirens. Is it for the modern idea of sirens or the original idea of them?” 

Does the reader have any other thoughts? How does embarrassment word for this reader - just an awkward laugh and nothing more/they move on? Or is their exterior an awkward laugh but the interior is a face palm? Or maybe the interior matches the exterior? Please don’t be afraid to add small details that gives the reader more life!

Yuta looked at you confused; shouldn’t you be questioning him on the fact that he is a siren (the answer is yes but you are too tired to realize it).  He looked at you for a moment before answering, giving you his perfect, healing smile. “It’s for the modern idea of sirens, Y/N. You’re the only student who caught that.” (1)

Maybe have an extra sentence to indicate that they do have feelings for each other? Or at least that this is where his feelings start to develop? This entire paragraph is about his feelings and thoughts so maybe the reader’s feelings towards the very attractive professor is not included, except the healing smile part probably.

“Alright, thank you and see you in class.” You took off towards your next class, (1) mind still piecing everything together. Professor Nakamoto can’t be a siren because they don’t exist, right? (2) Your next class went on for what seemed like hours. 

Maybe describe some of the features how the reader dashes off? Like actions or reasons why or thoughts.

A transition sentence might be nice to add here, to indicate that this thought is why the next class dragged on for hours.

Yuta was freaking out, so he called Johnny, hoping the sentient tree would answer the phone. (1)

Describe Yuta’s internal panic? - i.e. “Come on, come on, Johnny, pick up, pick up, come on.”

“Hello?” Johnny’s disembodied voice flowed through the phone.

“I, uh, may have done something stupid and exposed myself.” 

“Nakamoto Yuta, What did you do?” (1)

Maybe indicate how Yuta perceives Johnny coming off - Angry? Done? Amused?

“I may or may not have been singing under my breath, and Y/N may or may not have gotten captivated with my ‘true’ voice.”

Johnny sighed, and Yuta could picture the taller man rolling his eyes.

“You want me to convince them that their mind is playing tricks on them, don’t you?”

Yuta just hummed in response. 

Johnny hung up on him, not before telling him that he should be more careful. 

You were finally dismissed from class when Johnny had texted you and asked if you want to meet up at a café near campus. It was about a 15-minute walk from the building you were at. The only thing in your head was the sound of Yuta’s voice. The voice that mesmerized you, the one that belonged to a forbidden object, and the one you couldn’t have. The more you thought about your professor’s voice, the more it dawned on you that he might be a siren. You walked towards the café, pulling your jacket closer to your body, trying to get as warm as possible while walking into the wind. The fall weather was your favorite, but it still had its downsides. You pushed the door open and took a deep breath, taking in the scent of fresh roasted coffee beans and fresh baked goods. 

Johnny waved you over to the table he was sitting at. Your TA had two cups of coffee in front of him of which he handed you one. You gladly accepted the bean juice and took a sip. The two of you exchanged greetings and talked about random topics. 

“Johnny, how much do you know about Professor Nakamoto?” 

“He’s like my best friend, why?” Johnny was concerned about what you were going to say, and it showed (1).

but how did it show?

“I want an honest answer. Is he a siren?” you whispered those sentences. Perhaps you were going crazy with all the credit hours you were taking and the disturbing amount of sleep you were losing due to it. Everything about the professor seemed to match the exact creatures he was teaching about, obviously there were small differences though. 

Loud laughter broke you from your thoughts. “You honestly can’t believe that, Y/N. Sirens don’t exist, and he is not one. I think you need to take a break from your course work or take a long nap.” 

“I guess so (1), but no one should have a voice that pretty.” 

I think that there should be a pause here, like “I guess so,” you say dejected, reclining in your chair. Then you perk up slightly, another thought crossing your mind, muttering, “No one should have a voice that pretty though.”

Johnny helped you with a few questions on your study guide before it was time for him to go help Yuta get set up for the introduction to ancient civilizations class. You decided to head to your dorm and sleep as Johnny suggested. 

The nap was just what you needed. Your roommate woke you up and asked if you had notes from your English class that they could borrow. Your phone’s screen lit up displaying the current time and a message from your best friend, Kun. Kun is the mom friend. He brings you food and takes care of you, so it’s no surprise when he texted you asking where you were and why you weren’t in class today. 

Johnny had met up with Yuta and practically clowned him for letting you catch on. 

“I didn’t know that they was there.” 

“Well, it would (1) take a genius to figure out that students are going to stop in during office hours.”

“would” or “wouldn’t”? Is Johnny intending to be sarcastic or is he explicitly making fun of Yuta - say the two sentences and hear the difference: “Well, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that the students are going to stop in during office hours,” Johnny stated sarcastically. VS. “Well, it would take a genius to figure out that students are going to stop in during office hours,” Johnny stated, rolling his eyes at the man with a full PhD.

“If you’re so smart, Johnny, then why aren’t you a professor?” Yuta was becoming dramatic. He picked this habit (1) up from a few of the first-year students. These students called themselves the dream team (2). 

The habit of being dramatic?

I know that this foreshadows Renjun’s cameo later on lol

You weren’t prepared for class on Monday (1), knowing that you had to take the chapter test. Johnny had warned you that the professor had a project planned but he was picking the partners. You asked him to put in a good word for you, so that you would hopefully get paired with Dong Sicheng, who goes by WinWin and happens to be the professor’s favorite (2). WinWin was a cutie and very babie so you understood why he was the favorite. A plus to working with WinWin was (3) that he was friends with Kun as well, so study snacks would be made for you both.

 When did a weekend pass? What about the paper? I didn’t even realize it was Friday in this timeline.

I  just really like how this part was written lol; it reads so pleasingly

Keep tenses consistent

The test was easy, probably because Johnny had explained everything to you when he asked you to get coffee. Yuta had waited for everyone to turn in the test before explaining the project, which was to come up with and market a product as business entrepreneurs (Johnny’s idea after writing an essay at 3 am and drinking red bull). He started to call each pair.

“Dong Sicheng and Mark Lee.” There goes your chance at a decent grade, Mark was the only other student who wasn’t a freshman and had a great work ethic.  “Y/L/N Y/N and Huang Renjun.” You have heard that Renjun was a responsible boy who loved art from Kun constantly talking about him and Sicheng. Kun also said that Renjun and his three other friends referred to themselves as the dream team and they did everything together (1).

 Why add this part if Renjun is the only Dream member (sorry Mark lol) to appear?

Said boy came up to you, and introduced himself and gave you his number. When class ended, you marched up to Johnny.

“I thought I asked you to make sure I was partnered with Sicheng.”

“I tried. Professor said no multiple times.” Johnny was trying not to smile at the memory of teasing Yuta. 

“What would he say if I ask him? I really don’t want to work with a member of the self-proclaimed ‘dream team’.” 

“He would most likely say no and to get over it, but you can try. He’s in his office.”(1)

Find  balance between words and statements! I think you could describe that the reader stalked over to Johnny or appears mad through micro movements.

Johnny was sending you to war with a dangerous (read: Soft) enemy. Johnny immediately texted Yuta a heads up after you stormed out of the classroom. Yuta had anticipated someone was going to be upset at the partner choices, he just didn’t think that it was going to be you (1).

 Okay but why not?

You furiously rapped on the door to Yuta’s office and waited for him to tell you to enter.

“Y/N, what can I do for you?” The male had asked in a sing- song tone. The cadence of his voice quickly quelled your anger. 

“I wanted to know if I could switch Renjun for either Mark or Sicheng.” You smiled at him (1), silently praying to whatever gods or goddesses existed that he says yes. 

I suggest describing how the reader’s disposition changed and why - the why part being explained with vague words to symbolize that the reason for the change is unknown

“I’m sorry, but partner pairings are final unless one partner is doing more work than the other.” 

You exited the office in a slightly better mood than before, which Johnny noticed when he passed you in the hall. 

“Yuta, was Y/N just here?” 

He nodded.

“They were furious after you assigned partners and then is suddenly in a better mood after talking to you. What happened?”

“We had a great conversation, that’s all.” 

Johnny shot him a look that conveyed his thoughts. Yuta was slightly annoyed that the elder could read him that well. 

“I just charmed them a little,” Yuta smiled at his friend. “Y/N might be short but they’re kind of scary.” He shivered with the change in topic, recalling your furious demeanor. 

“I know, but we’ve had this discussion. What happens when they figure out that you are in fact a siren. Y/n already asked me if you were.”

Yuta knew that Johnny was right. He should probably stop while he was ahead. You were too pretty to die, and he really didn’t want to move again (1).

WHAT???!!! EXPLAIN PLEASE 

You messaged Renjun and asked him to meet you at Kun’s after okaying it with him. Kun was already working on snacks for the three of you. Three hours later and Renjun never showed up, Kun tried calling him but the boy never answered and Kun knew the boy didn’t have class until tomorrow. You already texted Johnny and told him what happened and that Renjun hasn’t shown up. You made sure to ask where the professor was, hoping that this would get you a new partner. Your favorite and only teaching assistant informed you that the was hour left in Yuta’s office hours. The walk from Kun’s dorm to the office to you about thirty minutes compared to the usual hour. The anger boiling in your system at the freshman kept you warm and was what caused you to practically slam the office door open. 

The Japanese man had heard angry footsteps coming down the hall, so he started to sing in order to calm the anger. It worked after a while and you could feel the anger melt away as waves of relief washed over you. The song continued and something about it compelled you to start walking towards your professor. You closed the distance between your lips and Yuta’s. The kisses (1) were filled with passion and need. 

This part seemed abrupt to me, tbh, because there was no obvious buildup of even one-sided feelings, or at least no buildup that I outwardly saw.

“Get a room!”  

That phrase startled you. Yuta grabbed your waist, not ready to let you leave, and looked at the source of the interruption. Johnny was standing at the door, rolling his eyes. You didn’t even notice the glare that Yuta shot him.

“Get Out, Johnny. Office hours are over.”  (WiNk WoNk)

#Princess Miyoung #sweetie its fine #How am I supposed to grow w/o critique #thank you again #im really glad you liked it #submission

[roxilalonde]

[S]:Collapse

mayhaps im just repeating what someone else has already said and said better but [S]:Collide needed to be way smarter than it was 

like. i genuinely think hussie wrote the scene and its prior framing around the striders, terezi, vriska, and john and/or roxy, and then tossed in the rest w/o regard to what could reasonably be deemed a satisfying ending to their arcs.

here’s what could have been tighter:

jake and karkat

so we get jake and karkat in what is ostensibly the most disappointing of all possible ends to their character arcs as people who idolize & emulate their cultures’ respective cults of war - neither a) recognizing that said cult is bullshit, a la the infamous Dave vs. Heteronormativity pesterlog, or b) fulfilling the ideal, i.e., actually doing something heroic requiring combative/physical strength. they take out the Felt. which, ok, sure, but there’s a narrative misstep in pitting your two characters with most aspirations to prove themselves in the field of battle against your weakest enemy for their final portrayed conflict.

put it this way: when karkat talks to meenah he’s clearly still putting a lot of onus on being The One, the guy who fights the big bad, so he can justify his own existence to himself. this is a big problem for karkat - he perceives himself as weak, because of alternia’s unreasonable standards of strength and bravery, so to face LE is to prove his dead planet wrong. he makes a point of it. and then, right before he’s supposed to - nope! he’s fighting a bratty green smuppet. or jake: built up as ultimate superclasspect, in the game-over timeline the big powerhouse in the session: also fighting a bunch of green smuppets! 

and yeah, you could blame it on vriska, but her rant was never narratively treated as bad strategy. even though your most powerful classpect is hitting your least powerful enemy. 

vriska

first of all, see previous: vriska isn’t a good strategist. she puts her weak players (which is vriska. vriska is a weak player, compared to the other people on the battlefield) against the strongest enemies, and her strongest players against the weakest. her arrogance gets in the way of critical thinking. nobody has a problem with this. 

she and terezi don’t get a resolution. vriska isn’t held accountable for the shit that she’s done to the other members of her party. she’s not held accountable for her relationship with terezi (how did that evolve? what changed about them? is she less reactionary? the wonders of a retcon that makes defunct three years of character development) the only place she gets closure is in a dream bubble, and even then, that’s (vriska).

finally: vriska deploying the weapon against lord english is interesting. it fits her, as the person who’s always trying to shove herself into plot developments headfirst. on the other hand: vriska shouldn’t have succeeded. it validates her previous efforts to shove herself into the action - it’s like the narrative is saying, “yes, vriska is so good at this, look at how successful she is when she tries to be the protagonist.” ignoring that a critical part of vriska’s character is that whenever she tries to do something like that, people get hurt. because vriska’s mistake is assuming her importance comes prior to others’ safety. throughout the story we’ve been told “vriska should under no circumstances be allowed to play protag,” and here she is, successfully playing protag.

jane

i would probably have written some pretty scathing analysis here if there was anything involving jane to fucking critique

in all seriousness: jane is sidelined (big surprise) and gets a brief, decent moment with Nannasprite about her issues adjudicating how passive/active to be in her own life. it’s a good moment for the Jane Collective. 

but she doesn’t kill the condesce. i can see why - she’s needed to run around healing people. but if nannasprite can do the exact same thing, there’s no reason that jane, who has the best reason to resent the condesce, shouldn’t be the one to fight her. and yet here we are. jane is the “main” of the alpha session. why is her “big moment” having another version of herself telling her how much cooler she is and then going off to be a passive aid? shouldn’t jane’s conclusion be, “wow, I should involve myself in battles that have personal value to me,” and go off to fight up the condesce?

then dad comes back. which, for a story about growing up - the point is that the kids are learning to live without their parents. there are a lot of allusions in homestuck to the game accelerating maturity: forcing them to “parent” a new world, develop extraordinary skills, growing as a person in accordance with the demands of their classpect. dad coming back alleviates jane of the need to do that: every other parent in homestuck dies. let that sink in. jane’s dad is the only parent who survives, and it’s not clear why. jane should be allowed to mature with the rest of her friends. it’s a feel-good moment, of course, but it’s a regression. what’s driving jane is no longer her dad’s welfare (we should hope); it’s the fate of the new universe. jane’s father should not be her reward. jane’s reward should be her friends’ safety, and the ability to progress as a person - i.e., leave the game. 

kanaya

the thing about strife animations is that we don’t have much time to actually see what’s going on. so for all i know, kanaya and rose were really critical to that battle. and it was really lucky they were there. but for the most part, they were side characters in an animation that concluded with roxy’s triumph. 

kanaya is interesting because the bounds of her mortality are not established. she survives eridan’s blast to the torso but not an incinerating laserbeam, so where does that line fall? pitting her against the condesce is on the one hand, a good decision, narratively (condesce comes from kanaya’s planet, kanaya’s problem; also, it’s clearly established that the condesce is capable of killing kanaya, raising the stakes); on the other hand, it’s hampered by the format. the GO timeline was told mostly in panels. that way, we felt the emotional impact. in [S]:Collide, kanaya could have come close to dying multiple times! as could rose have! our only definitive moments are her pausing in the middle of a battle to apply lipstick or read a book. which is, y’know, pretty funny, i admit! but also not conclusive.

meh, but not critical flaws:

rose: rose’s main power has always been as a strategist, informant, and manipulator of outcomes, and even though she’s formidable in battle, her time to shine should’ve been negotiating how things worked out. which is why i’m baffled that of everyone on that meteor, neither of the seers was the one managing strategy. amazing

terezi: her one-sided pesterlog with vriska was good in the same way the striders’ was good, but unlike the striders’, it’s never resolved, because it’s one-sided. the subject of her idealization is not there to disconfirm her idealizations. she also should have taken over strategy, she is far better than vriska at it

jade: i wish jade had a better-built arc. i’m not saying jade is unlikable or even a bad character it’s just that she does not have notable internal conflict or any struggle against societal norms to motivate her. her main problem is loneliness. but does she discuss that? does she get a resolution?? does she have personal problems derived from loneliness as a child that make her struggle to interact with people in person??? who knows, not the reader

here’s what did work:

roxy vs. the condesce. the condesce is the one who screwed up roxy’s planet; the condesce fucked with roxy’s friends in the GO universe, which only roxy remembers; the condesce subsequently killed rose, right before roxy’s eyes. roxy has reason to be in this fight. we establish early on in her story that roxy and the condesce are direct antagonists to each other and here we close that arc. good writing!

the striders. their chatlog was a detailed and satisfying ending to the strider brothers’ struggle with heteronormativity and flawed role models. “fuck being too cool for that” is a beautiful line in the context of their stories and their affirmation of being awesome without being ‘cool’ is fantastic. the way they work together in the last battle is touching and nice to watch. good writing! could have used more of it.

john. john’s role all along has been to be a friendleader, not a warrior. his minor role in the fighting coupled with his (debatably successful) speech prior makes for a decent finale. (later then we get john ft. Depression in the credits, but i’m not tackling the credits). i have no objections, but maybe that’s because the audience is never supposed to care about john’s development in the same way we care about the strilondes’ and the patron trolls’.

does it matter?

there’s an answer to all this that goes along the lines of “homestuck always defies convention, that’s why it’s lovable,” and while i can see the argument, a) this is really just me outlining why i, personally, am annoyed as fuck, which is to say that i, personally, do not always find it lovable, and b) convention exists for a reason. “convention” isn’t always an antiquated set of constraints aiming to to weigh down fresh creative thinkers; it can be a useful framework for building a good story. and if you reject that framework without maintaining some of the fundamental parts, you get a sloppy narrative. parallels, story cycles, foreshadowing: all of these things should be used conjunctively to set the stage for your conclusion. the stage was not properly set for [S]:Collide. i’m all for subverting obvious foreshadowing, but there’s a difference between “maybe this character will do X in the future, the text alludes to that possibility” and “it would make logical sense, given this character’s current development, for them to do X in the future.” subverting the former is fine. subverting the latter is messy.

and:

claiming dramatic realism does not alleviate you from the restraints of narrative structure and general good writing you shit

then the writer tries to subvert/avoid critique by giving dave’s spiel on “we aren’t characters, rose, we’re people, we don’t have arcs.” but. i’m sorry, but yes, they are characters. yes, they do have arcs. dave’s declaration of “we’re people” is made obsolete by the blatant falsity of what he’s saying - it’s more darkly funny than a legitimate response to criticism. so, yes, the author has a responsibility to tell a coherent narrative within the confines of his chosen medium. which means that yeah, maybe it’s “realistic” to leave their development dangling somewhere in the middle of Act 6, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.

#my meta #homestuck meta #alpha kids #beta kids #karkat vantas #kanaya maryam #vriska serket #terezi pyrope #hs critical