#Hanzi 2017 Birthday Depression Conspiracies Loner Future Death Life Secrecy Drained Energy Family Friends Love Hate Howard Stern Show

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The Real Birthday Blog

So it’s another year that has gone by. The last several birthdays that have passed by, which have never been strong since my inception, there has always been horrible birthdays for me, whether it is just people not making a big deal, or arguments breaking out, leading to months of awkwardness and tension consistently building. I have already done a periscope, but I figured since I wrote a blog yesterday, then deleted it, and I don’t know why I do that, because anything I have written or thought about, they are fully aware of it. I can’t be too much of a wildcard for these people, because they can’t afford to have my thoughts wandering, without them keeping a careful eye out on it, and again this could be true, but there are no facts to pass it up, so just assume this is just some delusional theory I have concocted from out of nowhere.

I hate this time of the year, and if the curse of my birthday being shitty every year wasn’t enough, I am currently in a position where it is extremely difficult to out maneuver these loops they keep throwing me and I constantly feel like nothing will be resolved, and the fear of the future and what has transpired behind my back, mixed with the potential of people I know who will try to politic their way in my life and I feel have never forgive me for whatever I have said or done. I would much rather not be here to see all of this take place, and if I am completely off the mark, then what is the point of being here? I am not being malicious? If there are secrets that exist in my world, and I constantly have to act sane and not lose my temper, because they are waiting for that so they can use my mental illness against me.

It has come clear that I am not important to some people anymore. It is mostly my fault, but the distance has driven me further down the depression and now realizing the elite association that people in my life have and I have been reduced to be being a discredited loser in his mothers basement and because part of that is by design and the other part is this self defeated mentality, I have to deal with what is presented and what is presented has made me seem like a delusional piece of shit who is extremely narcissistic and egotistical because he thinks the world owes him something, and don’t buy into the industry type who spew out how the worlds owes no one anything, and then you are told to be a man. It sounds simple of enough, while they withhold the hidden rules that they claim doesn’t exist, and they use it as a way to push down mentally ill people who have to cope with the sad reality that this world is.

I only ask for death for my birthday present. Nothing malicious, just a simple send off. I know I will not get that wish met, but it would be so much easier on people I know. They can live openly and honestly and not worry about my childish tantrums, and if they system was ever to give me power to accumulate at the end of all this, it could go amongst them, because you know that if I have power, I will be forced to do the same things that the older generation have done to keep the power, and I am not sure I could be that person, while also realizing that the more power you have, the more it is likely you will be that person. It scares me. I am scared to try and succeed.

I don’t know what anyone’s agenda is. I can write these thought out blogs, but the stuff these trolls, who claim they are fans of mine, will focus on the extremely negative and lie about what my social platforms entail. It really makes me sad that these people could be known, paid or maybe they just locally know me, and the fact they would partake in this behavior makes me question what is the point. You can just fucking end me. I am sick of having one good night for a year and then being put back in the basement. I know this will never end, because it is too fun for the ones who hold the power over my head and pretend it is just a normal life we live.

I will always be bitter and insecure and will always be haunted by the mental torture that has been bestowed upon me, and what is scary about it, is that it comes in such a subtle form where it makes people look like they are the sole problem, and not that there is a system in place to fuck with these people, then you wonder why so many people out there have problems and are blamed for things they never even did. There is never real justice. I am too scared to go out and do anything. I am not worthy enough to be here. It is becoming clear as each birthday passes. I thought I could enjoy this “fame” things for my 20’s and early 30’s and now I am 34, and even though people think its still fairly young, I still feel like I am 50, and I feel like it will never go back to being at a satisfactory level. I will constantly haunted by these memories, and the envisioning of how this all plays out, and the potential political moves behind the scene. Why even be here to find out how this plays out? Just give the people who want it all, everything and guess what we don’t have to ever talk about it.

They have teased me over the course of the last several years about getting to know the answers, and me having to make changes, and I obliged, but not enough to the point where the next phase in their plan has stepped up and it is like they are testing my irrational behavior and making a mark mentally to make lose my temper. They capitalize on my anger, and due to me being an attention seeker, I give in because it has been difficult, when you were on one of the biggest radio shows ever and now I am ranting on periscope about sex cults and politics within social circles and industries that exist.

Every year I put on a tough exterior and say I don’t care about my birthday, but the truth is I do, but I am smart enough to be aware that nothing will ever be done to make it a good day, because I have been set in my own ways and pushed everyone away, and now I am afraid of knowing what the reality in what is going on, and who is associated with who, and it has made me just sit in my basement regretting everything that has taken place. I waste my creative energy on these blogs, but I need to get these thoughts out. It feels like I will never be able to shake this trauma, and as far as I can tell, they have plans to continue this. I think their goal is to try to get me to snap. I just want to sit back and cry to myself like the pussy I am, because you can’t be emotional, and it is considered being a sad sack all the time, but guess what that is the reality of mental illness.

I know a lot of these trolls would rather troll with their negative behavior to make themselves feel good, than actually deal with their real emotions and how they are even more miserable than me, even with the perks they are awarded, or the benefits they reap, but they will constantly come towards me to make me feel less than, when I am better than most of these people, if they need to constantly harass me or make me feel like shit just to test my mental stability. It is tiresome. I wish I could leave. It will never get better.

Look at how I am spending my birthday, I am writing a fucking blog. This is probably where the summer for me peaks, I know it doesn’t beat private gatherings, perks to go to concerts and sporting events. I get it, I am living a pathetic life, I am getting high off the likes on face book and likes on my social media platforms, and those well wishes. It is sad that is what is considered a highlight in my existence. I know it seems pathetic to put it all out there, but I am willing to be vulnerable and I can do it on the surface, because anyone who tries to make it seem like a horrible thing, and I admit it isn’t a favorable thing at times for my image, but what image is there really? So it is easy for people to judge someone like me for speaking my mind, and being irrational and analyzed the thought patterns, while you sit behind anonymous accounts and chastising people about safe spaces. It angers the fuck out of me. I guess that is the point.

I don’t know what this blog accomplishes, but like the many that came before it, it will probably make matters worse, no one likes when I rationalize myself, even if you don’t believe me or buy into anything I type, you at least know I come from a genuine place. I know I will never have vindication, and I know they will continue with these tactics. It makes it even worse to know that without any remorse they will continue these actions. I have been fucked with this technology and have been addicted to all of it because you have to know what is going on and what the latest trend is, even though I don’t follow trends completely. I have dated clothes, I don’t know what money I should have access to, I don’t know the overall plans of what will happen. I know the common misconception that seemingly everyone doesn’t know what will happen, but I don’t believe that, because I think if you are an enlightened one, you have some idea where to go, and what to do, and when to prepare for your demise. It is just me. and there is no proof to all of this officially.

Anyways, thanks to the ones who wished me happy birthday. It sounds sad and pathetic, but those are probably the highlight of my birthday because I am so alone and can’t trust anyone ever again because I have been screwed over too many times, and it will keep continuing. So as much as  I never wanted this to be my outcome of life, I have to deal with it, and that people in your life will constantly lie, whether its for my protection or for their own agenda. It hurts and it will continue to hurt, but these people at the top thrive on it and they love people suffering in agony, because they can manipulate them and no one will believe a fucking word.

Enjoy the perks, enjoy everything you got. I will try to enjoy my birthday but quite frankly I will just escape to my alternative reality in the form of a dream and its extremely pathetic I concocted a theory that my dreams are where things take place, but we are told a limited story because they are afraid to tell us how powerful our minds are. So that is what I have. It will always sit on my conscience. I am forever haunted. I think I have to accept it. No one really gives a fuck about me, or at least it feels that way.

#Hanzi 2017 Birthday Depression Conspiracies Loner Future Death Life Secrecy Drained Energy Family Friends Love Hate Howard Stern Show