#HOLY GUACAMOLE I WASN'T READY | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kaleuh · 1 year

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I got a free cheesecake today.

So I go to this little deli all the time, run by this sweet woman who's always there. She has an entire section of cute Japanese snacks that she imports in, but they also have this dessert case above the deli meats where there's all these cute little Japanese cakes. One day, I thought, "You know what? I'm trying one of these. I don't know if anyone ever gets these, and they look absolutely delicious, so I'm getting one." So, one day, I order this vanilla Swiss roll that's sitting behind the glass. And the lady told me that she personally loves those, so I made sure to let her know that I was excited to try it!

Boy, let me tell you, that was the best packaged cake I've ever had.

It was like someone made freshly baked Angel Food Cake. It was soft and light and creamy, and not so sugary that it could outshine the vanilla flavor. Not processed, not stale, not oily. It's the perfect cake.

So every week I go back in to get that same cake with whatever bacon-egg-and-cheese, BLT-thing I decide to have for lunch that day. Last week, there was a plot twist: there was now a STRAWBERRY version of the cake I've been getting! She even pointed it out, as if I didn't already have my debit card ready. Obviously, it was perfection. I thought, "Holy shit, does anybody know? That this little lady at the deli has the best cakes in town? Imported all the way from Japan, yet somehow still perfectly fresh?" It's madness to think about.

So I go in today. Funny enough, I was actually just stopping in to get chips for some guacamole I made. While she's ringing me up, I thought, "Oh! I've got to let her know how the strawberry Swiss roll was!" So I do.

"Oh, I loved that strawberry cake, by the way!" "Ah, I'm so glad you liked it!" "It was so good!" "Well you know what? Here!" And she gives me a miniature cheesecake that I don't even think she had for sale in the dessert case yet. And I couldn't believe it, and I was like, "For free??" And she laughed and nodded and I told her that I always tell people this is the best deli in town, and she said something so sweet.

"I love how you're always trying new things!"

I smiled and let her know that I'm a big dessert fan, and thanked her VERY much (and as always, would let her know how I liked it, as such exchanges have gone.)

And as I left the deli to go back home, I should have been thinking about how reminiscent that scene was of Belle in the bookshop with the nice librarian at the beginning of Beauty and the Beast. But I knew that, with all the goodness it brought, that that three-ounce cheesecake was going to become an all-consuming weight on my mind for the rest of the day.

I wish I could be normal about these things. She probably didn't know that during that entire counter interaction I was screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, in my head. Every time something like this happens, there's a sense of - and it can be small and fleeting or big and timeless - dread.

I used to work at a diner, where I was supposed to be a waitress, but I was so bad at it that they should have fired me. Instead, they kept me as a busgirl. For years. I was told, "Hey, the waitressing thing isn't really working, but we all really like you and nobody wants to see you go, so do you wanna just bus instead?" And that's how it happened. I was hired because I was liked, not because I was good at anything. So, I made sure to always try to stay liked. I wasn't trying to be liked when I first got there, I was just trying to do a job. But now there was a precedent: you're here because you're liked. It felt like I had to work within that frame, so I smiled as much as I could, made as much conversation as possible, and tried to do everyone's side-work. It felt like my actual bussing services weren't needed as much as my emotional services were. But within that frame, I was wondering, "What did they see in me when I first got here? I don't think I was trying to be liked more than any other regular person on the planet tries to be liked, so what was it? Would they have done this with any other trainee? Am I giving off some kind of aura that tricks people into thinking they like me?" My dad told me once that I have a "face that makes people feel sorry for me" so maybe it was that? But there's a bigger fear, beyond all of this, and it eats away at me, when something like this little cheesecake happens.

I start freaking out about things like this, because of one very specific thought. "Was that nice lady stocking new desserts specifically because of me? I couldn't have made that big of an impression, right? All I do is buy a BLT and an Arizona Iced tea, every few days. Sure, I make small talk, but doesn't everyone? Everyone smiles and says thank you, I'm not special. There's not a shot in hell that anything I do is that big of a deal. I go there, get something to eat, compliment the food, and then come back another day and do the same thing. Doesn't everyone do that? And doesn't everyone try new things? Unless, oh god, no they don't. Is the world such a cruel place after all? That no one will make small talk with the counter lady? Oh god, oh my god, no, please don't let it be true, it can't be that mean. The world can't be that bad, that no one else compliments the food she makes, that no one else asks the waitresses how their days are going, it can't be. Is that why? Is that why they kept me at the diner? Is that why I got a free cheesecake? It can't be that the bare minimum is special. It can't be that there's proof of a cold world."

I don't try to be remembered. Do people just project what they want to see onto me? Am I just extra-projectionable? An extra-projectionable face? I think about all the times something like this has happened, and I wonder how many people see my true face, and how many of them are projecting what they might want me to be? It always feels like I'm conning people - if only they knew how messy I really am. Or that I've got to work to live up to be the kind of person worthy of that free cheesecake.

But then, who is that person?

*This post is sponsored by Koriyama's Deliciously Light Cheese Cake: 'Fabulous cake that melts in your mouth'

#Kayla's personal life #it's still in the packaging and i'm afraid to touch a good thing

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