#DSCaquarius

[triplealysine-blog]

disco space cat

Let’s see. I’m an Aries and I need to fucking analyze everything otherwise it makes me go insane.Or i’m just insane all the time. I mean I used to just add things to my agenda so I don’t have to deal with feelings but I don’t know, I physically cannot focus and do that. Plus, I’m trying to get better so maybe writing things down and taking care of my emotions head on will help me deal with things better. 

So here we fucking go. I mean on Thursday I went along my day knowing that I would intentionally make bad decisions. I was trying to be convinced by my friends to not do any of that, obviously, but you know me. I’m an Aries, if i’ve already made my decision and I know it’s for sure going to get me an outcome that is a “win” then here we go. Even if it’s going to drag me through fire, I’m going to fucking do it. And by winning, I mean like idk...I’m not trying to conquer this person, b/c people are their own people and I DUNNO. When I have a goal, I do everything I can to achieve it, no short cuts (that’s questionable with this situation? hmm). Anways, them. It’s one of those fucking Romeo and Juliet fucking situations. Me and them...We both socially associate and are friends with VERY DIFFERENT groups of people. I obviously feel insecure about it, I already know my friends don’t approve. One of them said “ you slept with that person?!?!” After seeing a facebook picture of them. To give context, my friends care about how they look a lot and I feel like they need to fit the social construct of beautiful, tall, and skinny. 1 of those traits is genetic so that can’t be changed, but you get the drift.  And then i’m that short, one asian friend. How have I assimilated to their group? Who knows. Off tangent. Uhm anyways I’m jumping around here because I’m so frazzled and don’t know how to coherently talk about this story. Uh so this person I’m interested in. I dunno, We like the same random things in a lot of areas of music, books, and movies and just things. Like very specific, not popular things. They’re no bs from what I see and they feel so comfortable in their own skin. They also just seem so invested and have so much compassion and drive for something they want to do. That’s a quality I like to see in people, just seeing someone so engrossed with something and really trying to perfect the nuances for what they’re working. That drive to tirelessly accomplish something they’re passionate about. 

Let’s just back track to when I first met them. It was in an improv class last year. I absolutely abhorred that class, because i’m a classical musician (long story short I ended up liking it even though i bashed on it weekly). First day of class we all did those introduction and ice breakers bullshit....It felt like one of those group therapy sessions. We were all sitting in a circle, staring at each other and trying to take in how each individual is so fucking different and in so many different majors. Anyways, they were there, so //strikingly// different and they just stood out with their newly dyed hair and some getup that was so fucking abstract to me. They introduced themselves with another name at the time and told the class that they were interested in improv but were very shy. They wanted to be in this class to become less shy and perform for an audience with their voice without all the jitters of insecurity, etc. As the semester rolled by they would always intensely stare at me, and I would stare fucking back. These improvs were long, so sometimes it would just be a staring contest. Usually they would win. It was annoying. From what they told me //yesterday// they said they would stare at me because I looked passionate and beautiful >///> when I played. UGH. Slay me please. Back to last year...I dunno, I always felt so drawn to them. I sound like a fucking 14 year old girl (according to my friends and myself). Anyways, I would try to hang out with them during breaks and be down for anything and everything. I accompanied them to Walgreens one time and they just told me a bunch of random things about themselves and I was definitely into it.  I also started to make jokes and mess with them ( I usually don’t do that unless I know a person for awhile). We did hang out like that a few other times, at some point I gave them my number. Jump to the more recent days where I’ve been an absolute mess and they’ve asked me to do an improv with them and a few others (who were also in the improv class last semester) for a performance called TNS (Thursday Night special where people play what they’re working on and get totally shit faced, the shit faced aspect is obviously drawing me bc i’m a fucking binge alcoholic). Obviously I said yes and so I’ve been practicing with them the last few weeks. Oh, did I also say that during this time I was on tinder? I saw them on tinder and swiped right just for fucks and obviously to wonder if they swiped right. AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT, we fucking matched bitches. My first message was “lol.” So fucking smooth right? They sent a message back like a day later with the eyes emoji.  We exchanged a text more or two and then they finally said “So was this a friend or a something else swipe because tbh I am completely fine with both.” I responded all “cool and calm” saying “I’m down for either. I don’t mind.” And then a few minutes later I got the balls and said “ And you’re cute so :P”..They responded with “ OH dramn...so like in that case we should like....hang out more....Also, you are also very cute, fancy that.” We exchanged more texts on tinder and such, very minimal. Onto the second week we started practicing for their piece titled...let’s say “Cassiopeia.” We started to play the improv, and they were conducting me, and the 3 other musicians. Obviously I’m staring at them to perform and just b/c i’m like high-key like crushing on them. During the middle of the improv, for some reason they fucking kept on staring at me like 75% of the time. After contemplation during this improv I fucking winked at them. They basically lost it and their face was so fucking beet red. As fucking red as their fucking firey dyed hair. That blush killed me. Literally. We like giggled and laughed it off during those like 20 seconds. We were all still playing of course, the harpist and the bassist were like into the music and not paying attention to this little fiasco. But i fucking turned my head to the left where the sax player was playing and she laughed and had a very confused expression, mouthing to me “what’s going on???” and obviously I just shook my head and turned. Yeah fuck me b/c AGH. Their blush was...*cries*..reminds me of really gay and horribly written fanfiction. Anways, that week goes by and we have another rehearsal in which I was rushing to leave bc my friend was crying and i had like work to do. As I was leaving somehow I agreed to hang with them afterwards? Skip to me hanging out with them in their room...I forgot they had a fucking cat and I was hella allergic and my eyes were getting so ugly and puffy. THey were coughing so I offered to give them my inhaler (probs a bad decision but ill get another one) so I could run to my dorm and get that plus take some allergy pills. I was so fucking excited so i ran to my dorm (tripping occasionally,) and got the inhaler, plus a strong steroid one to give them and like scarfed down 2 zyrtecs and my strong nasal allergy spray...Anyways, we just hung out and chilled on their bed. Nothing happened, but as the time went on (till like midnight-1am) I progressively got closer to them. Did I tell you they’re warm as fuck?

Onto the next week for TNS (which was this past thursday). That’s the fucking day where I knew I would make very bad(but good?) decisions. OBviously everyone drank and smoked and played music. our improv went so fucking well and I hung out with them and followed them everywhere. THis other dude they’re interested in was there so idk. He kissed her on the cheek and I was like “ should I get the other side” and I fucking kissed their cheek. I was probably drunk at this point and very bold lol. Did I tell you that their cheeks and face is literally so fucking soft. I’m going to finish this later b/c i am sleepy. 

#triplealysine log #definitely a fucking aries #i dont know how to deal with my emotions in a constructive manner so i'm going to try writing #personal #DSCaquarius #trying to figure things out #walgreens fiasco