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739337369137371082 · 3 years

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Hey so I found u thru the Halved Live Funnies and I gotta ask... whose Leon? What series these dudes from?

i got this ask and then forgot about it for like 2 days. anyways.

IVE ANSWERED THIS BEFORE BUT. GOD. LEON. ok so like....... long story short last year was when i first played resident evil........ bc we got a copy of re2remake in and.... jesus christ. i hyperfixated so fucking hard for the better part of a year going on into this year. and then i watched hl/vr and well. we know where that went. but now i am once again hyperfixated and now im back to where i was in like.... june of last year LMAO. but anyways i am once again going to ramble under the cut about them <3 (seriously. its very long and doesnt go much of anywhere. also spoilers)

tl/dr:

OK. SO. resident evil. the last time i answered this ask i either hadnt played some of them or just completely forgot the plot of others LOL but now upon beating/playing a large majority of them (besides 6 which i have not touched yet, and 7 is first person and im not rly interested in it rn)...... well others have said this as well but if you like cheesy b action movies you would love resident evil!!!

the orig 1-2 are more survival horror which is what i like the most. 3 is where it starts branching into more actiony stuff but is still survival horror. but 4 and after is just like..... cheesy action stuff which is fine but not really like.... my thing. altho i do think that they are fun in a “this plot is hilariously bad” type way because i do enjoy horrible things. but people who like resident evil dont like it for the plot they like it for the characters. and for me i latched the fuck onto leon kennedy and tyrant t-00 aka mr fucking x

listen.......... you guys know me relatively well enough to know that i have a type......... and i would define leon as not really fitting under it usually because he is 1. under 6 foot 2. human and 3. very much not a villain. but something about (mostly remake) leon hits fucking different!!!!!! hes kind and means well, thinks about others constantly, looks like an actual fucking person in the in game graphics instead of being some manufactured perfect model, nice voice, etc....... i fucking care him so much. also gameplay wise i find his weapons to be more enjoyable than claires so i always end up playing his route/2nd route the most compared to hers. but i do also like claire :) shes nice and epic

i dont really like the newer leons (4 and afterwards) as much.... i mean a lot of it has to do with trauma and general “growing up” after what happened in re2 but hes just so constantly... snarky? jaded? constantly spouting lines to make him seem cool? when in my head hes very much like... a loser LMAO. i mean dont get me wrong hes a badass. he survives a fucking zombie outbreak and nearly gets murdered dozens of time. thats the definition of badass. but also you cannot change my mind that hes also a anxious loser twunk. there is literally nothing you can do to convince me he is “cool” like the games and movies want to think. this is probably heresy to re fans but this is my truth

https://youtu.be/aVZWuSfGStk?t=129

here is a vid of his cutscenes. obvious spoilers in there but you can skip around and see how cute he is. also yes in his first cutscene he is listening to butt rock. i switch between thinking hes just listening to it because nothing else is on the radio or his taste really is that terrible

also you literally CANNOT convince me that he is straight. the games try SOOOOO hard to get you to ship leon/ada or leon/claire but like...... i cannot see it. he has one of the gayest run animations i have ever seen in re2 remake and i mean... he just radiates gay trans man energy to me. also please look at this small scene from one of the animated movies where a licker jumps on top of him and he wraps his legs around its hips and lifts it off of him to not die. gay king

https://youtu.be/d-VNikxYBPw?t=9

but yes ive basically decided to ignore all characterization from re4 and onwards regarding leon at least. every leon after that is not my leon (except in special cases when im thinking about something like leon/jd from re damnation..... they did jd so dirty and they should have fucking kissed. or how cute he looked in vendetta sometimes)

ANYWAYS. MR X

so basically there are these enemies in resident evil called “tyrants” that are manufactured by the evil capitalist company umbrella that are near indestructible save for like.... rocket launchers or super heavy artillery that youre not buying at your local gun store. and in re2 one of them get sent to the police station where leon and claire are and is told to wipe out all witnesses. (i also do think that 2 or more were sent there... or at least in the area when this happened due to some very obvious plot hole stuff on each route no matter how you play, even tho the devs have come out and said that only 1 existed in the game and that each route is like “a parallel dimension” to each other. i wont go into it more than that but i choose to ignore that)

and well. when i first played it i knew of mr x but didnt like... know much about him other than that he was a monster and Tall (like 7 or 8 feet tall) and that he chased you around. that already sold me on him but then. well. you first encounter him because he lifts up an entire goddamn helicopter and then proceeds to chase you. and it was then that i knew i was in deep shit because he fucking stomped his way into my heart and never left.

mr x basically has serious Side Character Disorder where (even tho the remake made him very cool and epic and did him really well compared to nemesis in re3 remake which is an entire different can of worms) he has LITERALLY no personality or like. thoughts. or anything. hes only there to chase you around and be on screen for like 10 seconds for a couple of cutscenes and then not show up again until the very end of the game for you to fight on leons route. but god. he means so fucking much to me.

you know how people latch onto random side characters that have no personality and essentially flesh them out more than the creators ever will? thats me with mr x. its gotten to the point where certain songs come on on my spotify and i actually get EMOTIONS or even TEARS because they remind me of him, but its not even really HIM, its the fucking ideas that ive come up with regarding him because all he ever does in game is chase you around and punch you and then die and is never brought up again

but anyways. mr x is a tall monster who chases leon and claire around in their routes but mr x is leons main monster in the game (claire has a different one). he chases leon around, literally never stops looking at him as he chases him, gets hit by an entire fucking car which then explodes BUT THEN chases him down into the sewers and into a secret underground lab just to get to him like a fucking bloodhound who, once he has the scent, will never stop chasing him

(you can see why this made me kind of insane)

just. AGHHH. the tyrants in this series get treated so dirty. i desperately want capcom to give us some sort of tyrant that can actually fucking like.... go against orders and brainwashing or whatever and actually have emotions and thoughts!!!!!!!!!! but capcom would never do anything with it cause its a rough and tough action series and people arent here to see tyrants have some sort of thought process beyond punching and killing and people only want to shoot guns at them instead of thinking about the possibilities of a tyrant that goes against its programming.

i so desperately want an au where mr x got the transmitter shot off of the side of his head (and while capcom never mentioned this ever many re2 fans have since decided that it is what feeds info/orders to him. i flip flop between thinking that it either is near controlling him and prevents free will and thought or that its just giving him orders and that hes just burying/hiding/not showing free will and thought in fear of being killed. either that or someone at umbrella is “piloting” him but also the whole point of tyrants is that theyre supposed to be smart enough to think for themselves somewhat so... eh). GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive explained a bunch of this stuff in my other ask about it but just...... xleon means so much to me when it should not and will never be actually canon

anyways please play re2 remake at least, you dont have to know everything about re1 to like it, just go into it knowing that a few months ago in the mountains outside raccoon city claires brother chris and a few members on his team went to a mansion where they discovered umbrella doing shady zombie shit there. re2 remake was hyped up for years for a reason and it is really good, even if its short (altho i do appreciate short games in this day and age cause not every game needs to be like 60 plus hours long).

maybe one day when its not late and i can actually think i will explain all this better but todays not that day <3

(EDIT: ALSO RE DAMNATION TYRANTS ARE 14 FEET TALL. AND CHASE AROUND LEON AND ACTUALLY FUCKING RUN. FUN FACT! anyways while i do think jd in that movie and leon should kiss i also want leon and a tyrant from that movie to kiss. bye)

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pinksweatergettingbetter · 7 years

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//siblings bein’ siblings :’)

boy theyre really piling on the dick with roger. and yet, it somehow feels kinda forced. not quite as goofy-forced as ‘matt swirl my brandy and show off my scratched eye engarde’ but still...

he’s so obnoxious that i wanna hold up a hand like “chill, chill, youre the villain, you dont have to try so hard. yeesh.”

In spite of everything, it's still (Tr)u(cy)

Did Godot also ghost write the gramarye creed?? We didn't need this man

I love that she's "magical girl Trucy"

That is a HUGE ASS SWORD. Trucy must be ripped to balance that shit with one hand

(Cries) the judge bravo’d her my heart

And Apollo asks her to be careful I fhfhfhggg

JUDGE! Don't call her a butt!! - Bonny: a fan of mine took some footage of the me in the show. It's kind of creepy but it might help.

Me: ok well it can't be any creepier than the normal show footage which focuses on her quite a bit anyway---

(Footage is shot from backstage)

Me: BODYGUARD. DEMAND A BODYGUARD IN UOUR NEXT CONTRACT.DO NOT PERFORM WITHOUT ONE.

"What a waste of time"

I know, sadmad, it is a waste of time hinting And blabbing on when the contradiction is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS

To this games credit, I actually looked thru the footage to check for the edit and it's actually there. You can see the screen skip ever so slightly. I mean it's a little improbable that Trucy was still in the same position after twirling but that's a neat little detail. Not bad, SOJ, not bad at all.

- (Snerk) sexy pan up shot for mr retinz

- I know everyone loves the 'what's crackalackin homie" line but it stinks of pandering to me

It's like mr grossberg saying his hemerhoids were doing the Harlem shake. But I don't even think they were referencing the meme back then.

Also something about the way they write Nahyuta feels like the equivalent of a foreign character saying "it is-- 'ow you say..."

Burger barn sounds like the shittiest restaurant on earth. I wonder if it was the Ramen Ranch in the Japanese version...

"It's pretty long so I'll just show you the part with.." OHHH NO. We learned our lesson in dual destinies. We watch ALL the footage, damn it.

That must be Trucy! ... Six seconds after she runs in the opposite direction, also shown rising up into the rafters. ‘kay. Sounds legit. Prosecutor sadmad, please call me a moron and threaten more insignificant reincarnations...

"It threatens to disrupt the karmic course of this case" You mean it's so bullshit that you're obviously going to lose, right? It's ok, you can just come right out and say it. Nobody will mock you.

huh. retinz just called sadmad ‘pretty boy’

gee whiz guess theyre gay for each other now. c’mon fandom work your magic.

I'm starting to really not know what the victim’s last rights actually are. could you be a lil more clear on that sadmad

“My OBJECTION.... is NOT FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!”

but it sure is for mine [snicker]

also gr8 excuse there, roger

“every industry has its own way of doing things, just as we in the legal profession focus exclusively on evidence and testimony’

really? for some reason i thought you were more interested in The Magic Pool and The Screams of the Condemned.

i can see theyre trying to write sadmad funny but its just not.... funny???

even with roger’s obnoxious persona i find him funnier. his texting sprite is hilarious. he just looks so fuckin pleased with himself.

Lang Zi says... Nahyuta needs a different schtick.

( well this numbskull has a thick skin, so there )

-holds back tears-

phoenix, drunkenly, from the gallery: DEAD PERSON... PUNISHING SOMEONE THROUGH A SURVIVING FAMILY MEMBER..? APOLLO GEDDOWN THE FUCKIN GHOS’S ARE COMING AAAHHH

“not bad for a shitty soap opera twist”

yeesh, that was a very sudden bout of self-loathing from the writers.

poor manov. somehow i feel more sad about his death than the entirety of the victims in DD (apart from Clay that is)

i mean he was just some magician tryna make it big.

(sigh) they tried to do the ‘are you high’ joke again and yet they still dont understand what made it funny in the first place.

“Strange are the karmic threads before me...”

is that Koorahneese for ‘shit, I'm losing!!’

NOW I FEEL EVEN WORSE FOR MANOV

i love when villains do that thing where it’s obviously fucking them and a jury would haul their ass to jail in 2 seconds but since it’s the bench trial system theyre like :3c I'm not admitting to anything! I just revealed something incriminating and suspicious as fuck but since my name isn’t carved into it you cant punish me~~~

im not being sarcastic either, at this point its just funny

apollo: AHH, HOW DID YOU READ MY MIND?!

roger must have assistant’s blood in him; all of them can do it

ohhhh. ohhh. i think. i see how he did it. if so, shit bro; that’s fucked up. but actually a pretty good sneaky murder method, with some pretty good foreshadowing that really stuck in my mind.

Not bad, SOJ. Not bad at all.

‘do you think the audience will let you get away with the twins schtick twice in a row?’

alright writers, your self deprecation is making me a little uncomfortable now.

i like picturing manov’s soul sitting on he judge’s head.

“could you hurry it up? I'm tired of listening to butterfly over there banging on about last rights. i just wanna see retinz get his ass kicked.”

wait did i completely miss something

what the fuck is with the random tuna boat joke

did i miss a reference to it before

is it a joke on turnabout: tuna-boat ??

hang on. is this a half-case?

they did this in dual destinies with the two last ones. i guess they can’t fit five full cases into a game after all... for some reason.

i was right! well done. thats a well written twist. anyway, most importantly:

IM STILL CRYING OVER MANOV. HE DIDNT DESERVE THIS

as much as i appear to like ragging on these games, i really hope the rest of the cases are as good.

sadmad: you f––

writers: [shake heads vigorously and make cut-throat motions]

sadmad: ..! ..uhh... [opens up a thesaurus] dim-witted... ignorant... imbecilic?

writers: [nod and sigh in relief]

sadmad: putrid red pepper.

“just some good old fashioned logic”

oh look at that they just admitted the ‘rethinking the case” mechanic is just an off brand logic rip-off.

wow that was the most over-the-top prosecutor breakdown I've ever seen. how did that even work? physically, i mean

maybe the soul butterfly is getting its revenge

NOO!!! NOT VALANT!!!

also holy shit that was one helluva hallucination. I'd like to think Magnifi was responsible from beyond the grave for one last feat in dickery.

Trucy’s absolutely right and murder is 99% never justified, but Magnifi is heavily implied to be a bag of dicks.

“Wow trucy, i never knew that being the best could be so tough good for your dating life’

“do you think I'm a naive greenhorn?” “No, she's not...”

don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing, don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing, don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing––

Ff fffffuuuuck

god dAMNIT

what is japans obsession with smiling thru shitty times??? its, like, ok to cry when you feel down, you know? its admirable to be strong in times of distress but your worth isn't based solely on how well you can pretend not to feel like shit

why not present that quick-ass thinking she did to get around Bonny’s mistake? THAT is the mark of someone who’s ready to be on stage. somebody who’s ready for any eventuality; that’s the mark of a clever performer. she kept a cool head and let the show go on; thats impressive!!!

get this shoe-horned in shit outta my face.

alright alright... theyre trying to have an emotional moment between siblings. ill calm down... for now.

Apollo: You’ve really changed Edge––– eh h I mean, Nahyuta.

Nahyuta: fuck you.

trucy: you don't like to talk about your past, do you? because you always change the subject!

apollo: its not so much that i don't like to talk about it as that it’s constantly being rewritte–––

[shotgun cocking sound from capcom]

apollo: I-ITS PARTY TIME, ITS PARTY TIME, EVERYBODY’S GETTIN DOWN BECAUSE ITS PARTY TIME

phoenix: you're a full fledged lawyer, apollo

apollo: aww gee thanks

phoenix: do you know the definition of full-fledged, in the bird world

apollo: uh

phoenix: it means they fly the coop. leave the nest. go to a completely different country, shall we say

apollo: ah

phoenix: just putting that out there apropos of nothing.

PHOENIX TALK TO YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER. CHRIST. shit. sigh.

apollo is now fucking dead, and living up to the title “Spirit of Justice”

#sulking over SOJ #ooc #just a reminder that the reason these are under cuts is the spoiler heavy nature #also because I'm a big whiny mcwhinerson

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dahniwitchoflight · 7 years

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Something kinda disturbing in Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice that I feel the need to talk about

Not something I usually talk about I know, but there’s a certain character in case 4 I think, the one about Rakugo stuff (spoilers btw if you havent played it and care about the ace attorney series lol) that just.

has so many disturbing implications and when playing it with my boyfriend I got Very Upset about it cuz the actual reveal was very sudden and all like all the stuff before suddenly made sense to me all at once and i was like oh god and now I feel the need to make a post about it to be like I’m not the only one who noticed this right???

but basically warning for talking about disturbing content like severe child abuse and multiple personality disorder and sexual abuse esp so if those things upset you just warning there in here

but yeah lets just dive right into it holy shit Uendo Toneido what the hell happened to you???

theres SO MANY THINGS that point to disturbing things that happened to you when you were a child, but I have no idea if Capcom really intended to make this connection or make this that dark since in the case they never really go into his backstory at all at any point, not even why he has Multiple Personalities in the first place, and its not relevant to the murdercase at all, so its just, never touched upon or outright said but like, all of it fits together into a coherent narrative if you care to actually put the evidence side by side so theres no way it wasnt 100% unintentional but jesus christ.

Uendo was traumatically raped as a child. someone got him drunk and violently raped him, maybe even repeatedly, and thats where his MPD/DID and all of his alters come from. thats the only conclusion I can come to after everything about him that we know.

for one, this is a character that has multiple personality disorder with 4 alters:

Uendo, the rakugo performer, Patches, the jester, Kisegawa, the female courtesan, all adults and can share memories and front at the same time kinda, and Owen, the child who has separate memories and can’t front unless all 3 of the others do not

the first 3 are ones that are revealed when Uendo first reveals that he has MPD/DID, and for most of the case hes being accused as a murderer, with the first 3 protecting/hiding the fourth from the court at first

and firstly MPD/DID is already something that cannot exist without some kind of severe trauma happening in very young childhood, with the most common cause being severe sexual abuse that a child cannot handle on any level forcing the mental split into an alter that can handle it, so already just from that i know something bad happened to Uendo.

and one of the alters is a female Courtesan. aka a prostitute. so theres another point to the trauma and abuse being of a sexual nature, and I ain’t even close to being done with evidence pointing to something like that happening to Uendo as a child.

nextly in the case, the defense originally thinks 4th personality must be the murderer, since its a point made that they know Owen exists from other evidence and Owen’s memories are cut off from the other 3 Memories (with the first 3 all able to front at the same time and memory share, but Owen being a totally seperate one from the others)

but when he’s forced to reveal his 4th personality, its because the court mandates that they prove the defenses theory about Owen being unable to front unless the other 3 are unconscious by forcing him to consume alcohol to get pass out drunk since hes apparently a ridiculous lightweight, like he claims licking some off his fingers would make him pass out that much of a lightweight

its actually a baked good without about half a shot of uncooked alcohol in it thats apparently enough to make him pass out drunk, but the thing is its physically impossible to get pass out drunk from that amount, especially from a baked good which likely lost its alcoholic content anyway, especially because alcohol works on a physical level with your blood and brain and stuff, not a mental one and Owen the child showed no signs of being drunk at all immediately after, which highly suggests to me that hes not a lightweight, its just the taste of alcohol severely triggers him back into his trauma-child state.

thirdly, then its actually revealed that Owen isnt the murderer, but the witness to the murder, and god, the way that Owen is portrayed as absolutely scared and traumatized by watching his sister figure forcibly suffocate his father figure is awful, especially because hes so upset he cant remember all the details properly and is crying and shaking about the whole ordeal

and then exactly which details he blocked out over the course of the in-court therapy session just prove my point even more

A) like first he remembers standing somewhere, and merely seeing his dad also standing up with blood dripping on his face

B) then after some therapy digging, he remembers they were both lying on the ground and the blood drops make more sense

C) then after that is when he remembers that his sister figure is actually on top of his father figure straddling him and shoving dough in his face to suffocate him while bleeding on him because she accidentally got cut with a knife the dad guy was wielding

like the amount of blocking out to get from point C to point A is tremendous, and the fact that all the things being blocked out were the existence of another person in the process of straddling and murdering another person by pushing something into them, like when you ask why he would mentally block out those details and not other ones its becomes clear if you add the fact that as a child something very violently similar was done to him

and the only reason it was the inner trauma child that witnessed that and not Uendo the main fronting alter is because Uendo accidentally consumed alcohol from those very same baked goods I mentioned earlier and passed out in the same room, murderer just didnt think that this would cause Owen to come out, she just thought he was actually pass out drunk

but like, godamn, all of it is so, directly pointing to that one conclusion.

the fact that he has MPD/DID at all in the first place

the fact that one of his alters is a female prostitute

His unusal triggery reaction to the taste of alcohol, not the alcoholic content itself because there really wasn’t physically enough to do that

the way he blocked out certain details of an unrelated traumatic event because they were so similar to his original traumatic event/s

and I say possibly eventS because MPD/DID is what can happen after severe trauma. and one of the alters was a prostitute, suggesting that his brains way of eventually coping as a child was to create an alter that could handle what he was going through, aka repeated sexual encounters, something a prostitute’s whole job description entails

like holy fuck that is a seriously dark backstory for a character we never see before or after this one case that’s mostly unrelated to the larger ongoing plot of the game in the other cases

like Ace Attorney is not a game this dark and I have trouble believing Capcom really intended this, but its fits too perfectly to be pure coincidence and they HAVE made M Rated Ace Attorney games before. its just, never gotten to this level of dark, they only ever deal with murders and the occasionally theft, we’ve never had any dealings at all with any kind of sexual assault and even in this game its not delved into or relevant at all to the case Uendo is in

but anyway yeah I got really upset when Uendo’s 4th Alter was suddenly revealed to be a traumatized child and not the True Murderer like the whole case before was implying and hyping up because that was just too real too fast yknow. I was totally expecting the whole hollywood “mentally ill people are dangerous” narrative not something actually accurate to MPD/DID

edit*

prideandprejudiceandkittens replied to your post “Something kinda disturbing in Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice that I...”

ok this is very insightful and likely, BUT kisegawa and the japanese idea of the "courtesan" (like geisha) IS NOT sexual. it isn't, really. japanese oiran (which is what kisegawa is clearly evoking) are sexual workers but their main role is to perform, they are trained under classical instruments, tea ceremony, calligraphy, etc. it's like a traditional display of femininity and much less centered around the whole "prostitute" part. just had to clear this up.

? I never said they were a Geisha or an Oiran, I said they were a courtesan/prostitute? I mean, they clearly are evoking the image of a prostitute with Kisegawa, but I never implied that that’s what a Geisha is. I never even said the word Geisha anywhere here

those performers like you said are elegant and perform femininity to entertain, Kisegawa is coarse and rough and female with harsh language and not presenting any skills like an entertainer (other than Rakugo like they all do) therefore Kisegawa is a female courtesan/prostitute?

#Ace Attorney #Uendo Toneido #spirit of justice #aa:soj #a lot of triggery content in here reader beware

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pinksweatergettingbetter · 7 years

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MAYA I TRUSTED YOU

WHAT WOULD WILL POWERS SAY

ok he'd probably be like ‘hehe; guess I'm falling further into obscurity thats cool i was never amazing in the first place’

“theres only one!”

...that is rare

“i traded my watch to my kooraheenese friend! it plays the steel samurai theme when it goes off!”

I SMELL A CHEKOVS GUN

“it sounds just like the steel samurai theme”

“no it doesn't!”

mayas right, it doesn't sound like the steel samurai's theme.

it sounds BAD.

seriously i feel like my soul is physically rejecting it

put your arms akimbo at me again young lady and ill push you into your magic soul pool.

“that whole séance thing makes trials completely different”

meh

speaking of trials, we’re back to trials! ya–– i dont want to deal with nahyuta

“you have to pitch your terrible crossover!! i won't let you down”

as much as i disapprove of the crossover let it be known that phoenix is a sweetie pie.

“The sacred murder dagger was used to murder someone?!?!??! BLASPHEMY!!!”

“The lowest level of hell; the Hell of Tickling” IM KINKSHAMING KOOORAHEENISM

“They shall not escape on their /redtext/ Freedom Express today!”

she did it yaaaaayy!

U R DIARHOEA!!! KOORAHEEN!!!

well i

i cant argue....

oh god no t voice acting again

LOL YOU CAN SKIP IT AHAHHAHHA

AND THE DANCE TOO HJDSJSFAKJ

guess its not *that* important eh

the entire court just called phoenix a shithead.

i mean people say “Polkhunka” when theyre surprised, and the term is “polkhunan”. so yeah. either hellion, or shithead. nice.

phoenix: this makes no sense

me: ooh i cant wait for the bullshit excuse!!

Well ill be damned to tickle-hell. Rayfa’s a television aerial.

oh i see how they did that. i guess spirit visions have steady-cam?

.........he ran right into it

dude why

i just love this. “yes he ran directly at the killer, to fight them! with his arms flailing in terror!! it might look stupid and fake but actually it’s kooraheen’s biggest martial art, RonDeliteFu!”

every time Rayfa does her hand-flinging-out pose i mistake her sash for a stick and i keep thinking she’s a muppet

“we can’t let the special fires go out, so we make sure to remove the glass around them every year on top of a window mountain so that a woman can um...... walk around it i guess.”

i hate to admit it but these stupid pond vision things are really stumping my blind ass

i stg pohlkunka is the stupidest sounding made-up expletive ive ever heard

id rather heard cowabunga every time something shocking happens for godssakes

“wow he really does care about ema”

hey show dont tell lol

“i cant believe he's come to understand their value”

uhhh well

they stated that they still hold investigations despite their magic pool parties, so uhhhhhhh yeah???? forensic investigators are usually pretty helpful??

since Sadmad’s catchphrase appears to be ‘putrid’, i keep reading ‘purification rite’ as ‘putrification rite’

i cant believe they did a “what if... (EXTREME CLOSE UP ZOOM) PLOT TWIST?!”

STOP SAYING PUTRID

oh hey its dirty hobo man! ...also i guess the ‘sexy pan up shot’ is for every new character :/

hobo rangers go...

...Nahyuta named him A’nohn Ihmus. A’nohn Ihmus.

Well that just cements my idea that Kooraheenians are just a bunch of Americans that stole a landmass and made up a phony baloney culture.

It has been confirmed that they are legitimately just taking english words and ‘kooraheenifying’ them.

“i used my binoculars to spy on the rite at the inner sanctum”

A’nohn is just as perverted as his namesake from Tuhmbl’r

“Feh. I knew you were a fool...”

Cue Franziska crashing her plane into the court room to yank on Sadmad’s braid to scold him for taking her word.

“shall be reborn as a witless sea urchin with barbs limited to your posterior”

ok well sadmad, sea urchins asses are next to their mouths... on the bottom of them. completely opposite to the, uh, you know. Spiky part.

So I’m not sure if that serves to strengthen your point or just make you look like a moron

i mean i guess it served to enhance sadmad’s point since phoenix’d be totally smooth and unprotected, but then he wouldn’t even reach adulthood so that sea otter wouldn’t come in too early and...

...he just said phoenix will be reborn as not only mentally slow but also physically deformed.

...uh... nice one, sadmad.

AND MAYA PULLED A REACHAROUND ON THE PRIEST

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FROM THE HOLY MONK, GUYS

to be fair, she could have stabbed him with a reverse-grip or not; one doesn’t have to hold their hand at any particular to perform a reach around

oh well at least the contradiction is incredibly obvious

at least hobo ranger has an excuse to use words like “bucko”

i hate that,,,, theres a rule against climbing the mountains during the rite. that means that there have been perverts of yore who tried to spy on the lady changing

hes gonna see her shad–– (sigh)

yknow, i dont think shadows are detailed enough to know which way someone is holding a knife.

also moonlight isn't that bright

DWAAYYYYMMMN

sasquatch’d!!

ok so... does happiraki mean “hello” or “hooray!” because its been used it both contexts

i just realized that the Plumed Punisher theme song sounds like one of those posts where someone takes a recognizable song and fucks with it in a silly way, like pitch shifting it at awkward moments or changing the key

i cannot believe i have to use a fucking walkthrough for this game. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm better than this.

“no one was allowed in there and the only way up were the stairs!”

ah yes, the unguarded stairs surrounded by people who had their heads down. in prayer.

totally impenetrable.

“What?! This is insane!!” no no, phoenix, youre doing it wrong. you have to say “this”, then sadmad has to say “is” and then the judge has to yell “insaaaaane!!” because its funny when one person says one word of a sentence each!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘rah rah sis boom bah, fight, fight, phoenix wright!!”

um excuse me maya who gave you the right to be cute

why does sadmad only have one hand-guard-glove thingy

“my bag of bluffs” is an interesting and long way to say “ass”

they put... a maximum security prison... on top of their holy mountain. they put their criminals... on top of their. holy mountain.

they put a jail. in a church. in fact they put it higher up... closer to... god.

what the fuck. the fourth one. only accessible by helicopter.

who was smoking what when they decided this???

(sigh) mmmmm id been waiting to use that patchwork quilt

“hell of hangnails”

not as fetishy but still pretty–– actually you know what that sounds kinda fucked up. isn't that just kinda G rated torture anyway

wow that incredibly obvious lie deserves the terrible pursuit theme??

maybe its the last one (i hope)

“are you the rebel hunter!!??!?!?!??”

um well no, unless the rebel hunter is a criminal. jackass.

...cutting dirty deals with criminals, are we, sadmad?

“haha, the fact that the third person at the scene was a wanted criminal destroys your theory that it was the rebel hunter Keera that killed the high priest!!”

...wow... gosh i was wrong... and the fact that a wanted criminal was actually at the scene... doesn’t help me at all... because once i said that one person didi it, it couldn’t possibly be someone else... oh no... i guess it was Maya who did it... for reals... not the.... wanted criminal....

...hang on, his little power rangers dance was the defiant dragons dance? how... did nobody notice this?? sadmad really was colluding with criminals wasn’t he. gosh. what a trustworthy guy.

phoenix: oh no!! his testimony was a lie!!

oh no! the testimony that did nothing but damage your case was a lie!!!

??????

sadmad: get him!

hobo ranger: (does a little hop and daintily scurries off)

sadmad: ... (takes a good five leisurely seconds to stop the background music) put everyone on high alert. i want everyone after that guy

that guy who just. skipped out of a courtroom. past hundreds of crazy people and several bailiffs.

haha... the kooraheenes police. to quote phelous... THEY’RE THE BEST!

“what was the point of all that, anyway?”

search me, phoenix.

“well, i cant help but feel that entire episode was an enormous waste of time”

hey capcom? hanging a lampshade on it doesn’t make it better. it just amplifies how much it sucks.

“yes! i recognized that piece of paper because it looks exactly like the piece i have! thats covered in blood and unrecognizable!!!”

...nice

OH AND ITS THE PERFECT FIT TO COVER THE BLOODSTAIN WELL ISNT THAT JUST FUCKIN SERENDIPITOUS

“the ignorant lawyer has not bothered to learn out language??”

well A) he's not an international attorney, B) he was on vacation, not studying abroad, and C) fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. you’re all speaking english all the time anyway, you bunch of fuckin phoneys

i stg sadmad if you say putrid one more time i’ll cram a rotten egg down your pasty white gullet and show you the meaning of the word

“the criminal could have only escaped if the high priest helped him out, so why would he kill him?”

hey sadmad? remember that thing about using your putrid brain? yeah, doesn’t take too big a leap to realize that you might’ve just proved phoenix’s ‘idiot theory’ right. maybe the priest um... was a rebel??? who was going to do just that??? and the rebel killer offed his sorry ass?

perhaps, o foolish prosecutor, you should think before you open your rancid lips... lo, in your ignorance, you will be cast down to the hell of those who are kind of stupid....... the hell of perpetual fart smell. there you shall inhale the decomposing winds of ten thousand and one accursed mihtama, while fart fetishists gaze on in envy...

oh wow i didnt even need to go on that spiel, he just admitted it straight up. but yeah, apparently when Lady Kee’ra impersonator kills a rebel, it’s A-OK. But when Maya kills a rebel, well, fuck, she’s a foreign bitch, execute her!!

also the way he said it seems to imply that he knew all along so uh

maybe people should start suspecting this guy. he seems to... know a lot of rebel criminals.

every time sadmad shakes his head i wanna break his neck

man i remember being annoyed at edgeworth in the first game and wanting to hop my desk and rough him up, but never wanting to physically maim or kill him. you suck, sadmad.

WE GOT IT, FOLKS!! WE GOT THE ASSAULT!! IT’S UM, IT’S SUPERNATURAL FORCE ASSAULT THIS TIME.

FUCK BIRDS AND SWORDS, I GUESS? ACTUAL MAGIC IS THE WAY TO GO?

hey sadmad; tickling? bondage? can we... keep that out of the courtroom please?

also “oh no! i can’t point my finger!!” phoenix cries, forgetting that he has two arms. i guess capcom won’t spring for more than one sprite tho haha

“the keera we saw was the statue draped in the sacred robes!”

with a... knife sticking out, apparently. ok..?

also gosh, maya’s really fast, tiptoeing around the abbot, draping the costume just so, then tiptoeing back around? like lightning she is!!

he just cut off his own theme song.

“she used her fiendish tricks to fool the court room”

which didn’t work at all if you remember the beginning of this court so fuck you?

“she sought to use the divination seance to mislead us!”

good going, pointing out an absolutely massive flaw in your country’s legal system, sadmad.

i cant believe we had a flashback for absolutely no other reason than Sadmad to gloat. I FILE FOR A MISTRIAL ON GROUNDS OF MISUSE OF FLASHBACKS.

please oh god just let it end i dont have enough space in my stomach for any more ulcers

i can’t stand hearing him say let it go one more time please I'm begging you

oh no... phoenix has failed... he’s going to die... it’s really going to happen...

just get to the surprise witness or whatever already

oh thank god. love you, headband guy

“the dagger bears the finger prints of maya fey!”

wow. the police suck major ass at catching running people, but their finger print checking speed is second-to-none. ...either that or they waited a while before telling people about a dead body.......

oh gosh!!! its totally maya!!! she arrived 2 years ago and so did lady keera and

yeah no. it’s not her.

but even if it was, kinda awkward there, sadmad? she’s um. kind of a hero to you.

i dont get it why is everyone freaking out. i thought the keera impersonator was considered some kind of vigilante hero? why is it suddenly bad when they “find out” it’s maya? is it because she isn't kooraheenees?

I'm honestly really confused. everyone was rooting for the masked defender one moment, but now that its maya, it’s murder??

seriously what the fuck. like the gallery was legit going “ah!! lady keera has come back to save us from the rebels!”

and then its like “its not divine its some foreign bitch in a cloak” and now its like SERIAL KILLER. also, nice. we’ve never been allowed another day in court because there was a second charge racked up. awesome. (with the possible exception of Ron Delite, tho he was changing his charge)

sadmad can go choke on his own braid and the gallery can lick their own hypocritical asses. i can’t believe i stayed up till 2 am to finish this section.

#sulking over SOJ #soj spoilers obvs]#it just keeps getting better........ and better..........

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