#But it was always painful because i wanted to be oworthy enough that the people would like me too

[freebooter4ever]

ive been considering my options, and started looking into moving - not all the way back to washington (where admittedly a little shack house at the base of mt rainier somewhere is sounding better and better)(but if i left california now i dont think i'd ever return and even if imag*n**ring is no longer in glendale im still clinging to the notion that being here still means something) - but somewhere in the more 'rural' areas of socal (if desert can be considered rural?)

My friend here who owns the house on the brush covered hill in the city also has a cabin up in big bear so im imagining something like that. Somewhere to hole up in for a year or so to just escape everything for a while. I can work remotely, as long as i have internet, and rent is certainly cheaper outside the city. And right now just disappearing for a while seems like a relief when i feel like i keep hitting walls and rejection from all corners even people i thought were friends. And the one friend - parent like - figure i have here, i am clinging harder and harder to and i am terrified of the day i push them over the edge and they stop talking to me too. Hence hiding until i feel confident people are no longer sick of me.

But then i think about how i very nearly went crazy house sitting in the artist's house alone on the canyon ridge for two months straight (and called nick way too many times to stomach it)...and i dont know if i could do it. Live alone in the middle of nowhere. Nick did it - moved to the canadian wilderness after a traumatic period in his life. Maybe a part of me wants to try just to prove that i can. Cause for all our similarities that was our fatal flaw - his introversion and my constant tendency to cling to people. He could - and did - pack up and leave at a moments notice, move to a new city, and start over again fresh. I kinda can too, its why i dont own any furniture and anything i want to keep i make sure it can fit in my little car. But instead of cutting ties i hold onto people until i suffocate them.

But thats why i worry i wouldn't be able to actually handle living hours away from anyone i know - no matter how appealing it might sound as a solution to the emotions dogpiling onto my back these past two years. If there was one theme between nick and i the entire time we were together it was always me going out - dancing, music, art events, parties - and asking him to go with me and him always saying no - he'd rather stay in rather be alone. And its not that i minded going out alone - i was used to it and there was always naeem hanging around events and the burgh was small enough i was bound to see someone anyone i recognized. It was the realization that what attracted me to a certain type of personality was almost incompatible with my own. Nick had all the charm and charisma and magneticism i so admired and which i never had any of...yet i was the one who liked people, i liked being around people. And he really didn't. And i guess i never really understood having this type of urge to cut off all ties, disappear, leave without a goodbye and without looking back till now. There's a lot of shame involved in my case.

So I'm looking through ads for weird secluded woodsy cabins and wondering if i would be able to survive a year disconnected except by internet, or if maybe i doubt that i could and that maybe i should be able to - learn to. at least once. to understand better? and maybe i should try now while it seems possible.

anyway im also pretty sure the pandemic has regressed me back to like...middle school levels of social anxiety because im terrified of everyone including any of you guys on here reading this - if i stop messaging you there is a good chance ive convinced myself that you hate me, im sorry in advance. I asked my coworker to lunch the other day and he said no and i havent been brave enough to ask again cause now im certain he's finally realized what a non-artist loser i am and its more productive to work through lunch anyway right? \o/

#Journal shit #Then theres also the possibility that i just need to take a really long car ride this weekend lol #And shut the fuck up #Fun fact in high school i would go to parties and then my dad would pick me up after #And he would force me to drive home bc i was supposed to be learning how to drive #And halfway through the ddrive i would burst into tears and dad would have to have us pull over and switch places #And id be crying the entire rest of the way home #It baffled my introverted dad who didnt understand why i went to these things #If i was just going to be upset by them #He never understood that i loved the parties i loved the people so much #Even though none of them would probably have considered me a friend #But it was always painful because i wanted to be oworthy enough that the people would like me too #What im saying is ive been battling this shit since i was young #The pandemic just resurfaced what i thought i had at least somewhat buried