#Bc like. Idk. Some of the mental illness masking is just Uhhh trying to be a better person. That's not so bad

[ranvwoop]

i am going to be so vulnerable in public for just a second. literally just for lack of therapy and for the love of psuedoanonymity except. it isn't really

#vwoop.noises #It sucks so bad being so volatile #Like I present myself very chill and unbothered but this is. Ahem. A Constructed Persona #Which is like. That's the point + the point of self improvement + I have some feelings on masking #Bc like. Idk. Some of the mental illness masking is just Uhhh trying to be a better person. That's not so bad #It's work and taxing but everything is. If I can't get storebought emotional regulation whatever I've whipped up here is generally passable #But man. It sucks so so so bad #I don't know when I'm allowed to feel bad #Well. I'm pretty okay at Feeling whatever but when I'm allowed to like... Make it other peoples proboems #One would say. I feel what I am feeling A Bit Too Much. All of the time #Just sucks! There's been some headway to at least get to the point where it is Just a me problem #And nobody else has gotta. Yknow. Be subject. but like. eeeeeugh #i am often in some sort of agony. Miseries even. Perhaps even torment and hardships #Eh. It's all just cause y'know. Illness. I don't know. I don't know how to conclude this. The point of the matter wasn't really addressed #I'd like to stop having anger issues this would probably help. It's not even anger issues proper cause it doesn't really. Present like that. #Well. Specifics would be [HORRIBLY STIGMATIZED DISORDER] but I have reservations leading with this because you know. We live in a society

[snorlaxlovesme]

i was tagged by @lieutenantriza to do this ask meme! thanks chloe!! :)

and uhh i tag @ghostzzy @therealflurrin @ailaxolotl @texasdave94 @thehufflepuffshuffle and anyone else who loves to read!

rules: complete the qualities with books you’ve read or want to read (novels, plays, stories, etc.) then tag some friends.

book i love: Monsters of Men. i think up until now i’ve been saying The Ask and The Answer was my favorite Chaos Walking book, but during my reread I’ve found myself getting REALLY into the battle scenes in MoM and also every time viola basically tells an adult to shut the fuck up i wanna stand up and cheer. i’m in love with viola eade, did you know?

book i hate: Dirty Little Secret. i can’t remember who it’s by, but the story is about a girl with a mother who’s a hoarder. no one knows this about the girl and she feels like she’s living a double life trying to keep it a secret. then one day she comes home to find her mom DEAD bc i stack of shit fell on her, and since her mom had health problems she couldn’t get up to save herself and died. the rest of the book is all about the girl trying to slyly throw out all of her mother’s junk bc she refuses to call an ambulance to pick up her mom and have her dirty hoarding secret get out. this bitch leaves her mother’s dead body on the floor for DAYS while she cleans the house, then ultimately decides to just burn down the house instead and claim her mother died in the fire. it was so fucked up.

book i think is underestimated: ummm maybe The Masked Truth by Kelley Armstrong? kelley was one of my favorite authors in highschool, but so was Stephanie Meyer (yikes), so when I saw kelley had written a new book i didn’t know if it would be any good bc i couldn’t remember if her writing was genuinely good or not. plus the book deals heavily with PTSD and schizophrenia and i was worried that they would be played up in like the horror movie-style mental illness. but (from my neurotypical perspective, idk what people with those disorders might say) i think the book was written really well and the mental illnesses were portrayed really respectfully.

book i think is overvalued: uhhh, Divergent, maybe? that was the only one i read in the series, but i wasn’t all that impressed with it.

book i want to see in a movie version: the chaos walking series!!! i’m so excited for The Knife of Never Letting Go to get a movie but I’m still incredibly nervous how the story is going to change since I don’t think either actor can be move-magicked enough to look like believable 13/14 year olds.

last book i read/in progress: currently halfway through Monsters of Men and am screaming a lot

book or saga i want to finish: Blindness by Jose Saramago! it’s a REALLY interesting book about an epidemic of blindness that breaks out, causing people’s vision to just become endless white. no one can discover a cause or even any physical signs of it on victims. it apparently shows the nasty side of human nature, of what happens when masses of people are vulnerable, but i havent gotten that far since the writing style is very difficult. no quotation marks, no linebreaks when a new person speaks, and no one in the book has a name. they are “the doctor” and “the prostitute” and “the car thief” and so on, so i’ve been making up names for the characters and reading chapters in small spurts since it takes so much concentration to decipher who’s saying what

book or saga i don’t want to finish: n/a,i’m not reading anything atm that i don’t want to finish. reading is just sometimes slow-going

next book: maybe The Martian? i just bought that at a garage sale

the worst ending: THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS SERIES. I’M SO TIRED OF THE “ONE CHARACTER’S MEMORY LOSS UNDERCUTS THE HAPPY ENDING” TROPE. FUCK CASSANDRA CLARE THAT ENDING PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH

#i know there's a sequel book that shows what happens after the end of TMI but i havent finished THAT yet bc im still too angry #so i need a break