#BUT ANYWAYS LAST NIGHT (EARLY MORNING) THAT WAS SO FUN BUT FUNNY LMFAO

[unproduciblesmackdown]

even more prompts catchup

April 5th: What was school like for you, or what is it currently like for you if you are still in school? Elementary, high school, post-secondary?

i Hate/d school lmfao......like i do Like To Learn and Know Shit, and of course Sometimes / on some occasions it was like, hey i'm having a good to pretty great time at school, but those were usually Special occasions or teachers going out of their way to give us you know, fun projects / go beyond the Standardized Testing curriculum, which natch they couldn't always do / did require sort of going Above & Beyond, rather than being the constant, guaranteed experience of like hooray for school......it's like, oh hooray re: the Play Scenes my fourth grade english class did that was like, an Extra thing, where we got to audition and i just had a great time like oh right, clearly Theatre in retrospect, or hooray re: the field trips, or projects we did In Class, since i hated homework.......i was always that accursed (i mean, not accursed for Me, but) combination of "really a terrible student but also gets great grades" lmao i forever do things Last Minute but like, when i was At school, in class, i'd just power through whatever work there was then & there usually, and in middle school would sometimes do hw on the bus, as i was the last on the bus route to be picked up in the morning or dropped off in the afternoon, but as soon as i got home i was in Home Mode and yknow. didn't just sit down and continue School Stuff asap. also hardly ever Studying unless it's the night / morning before a test lmfao but i had a great memory for that stuff, so studying that last minute was like "yep, i Do remember this from going over it 2 seconds ago" so yknow, despite hating school / no good Study Habits(tm) or anything, i did fine. i also read a ton, at home or at school and at any other point. so i was also like, quiet and generally ~well behaved~ or whatever lol (the like "how are kids (or anyone) supposed to stay focused and on task for 7+ hours a day..." thing), segue into next paragraph

i also remember like, 3 day a week preschool being the first time i was, you know, in some sort of School and also around other kids that much, i did have this sense that like, somehow there were Rules that i wasn't following, not re: Classroom Rules or something, but wrt socializing with peers, like that everyone else had something going on in how they interacted which i wasn't gonna get right, & i had this sense of like, not really being Allowed to interact lmao, even being 4 years old i have a few distinct memories re: this of like, a) choosing to play by myself in the classroom or when outside, and b) my "best friend" being the one person who just like, chose to hang out with me lmfao, but i was like oh cool Having A Friend lmao, like i didn't Not want to have friends, i was just already aware of like, i don't feel like i can just up and interact w/these people and i don't feel like they want me to, and c) re: that being aware of whatever Rules Of Interaction existing and that i wouldn't meet them / abide by them and thus there'd be some kind of repercussion for not meeting those rules, and not being allowed, i remember that like. there was this other indoor playspace in the lower level and there were toys i wanted to play with but Refrained from, and it was like, why did 4 yr old me get the idea i Wasn't Really Allowed, and most of what i can theorize is that it was like, well other kids might want to play with that, and the Normal / Better kids should get priority lmao, and/or being nervous that it just might otherwise lead to some sort of Interaction i wouldn't feel ready for.....and d) sitting at a table with like whatever 4 or 5 other kids or something and amongst ourselves someone was like "oh put your foot in the middle if you're [x]" and i tried to join in on a technicality lmfao and also just in, you know, active efforts to be Participating with these other kids on their terms, and it did not pay off, something that repeated uhhhhh, forever i guess lol. insert that post like can allistic people be normal for 5 seconds.....

like in elementary school i wasn't really making friends either, incredibly, i was Amicably Tolerated by many people then & like, again also at any point after at least lmao (and it helps that i was generally in teachers' good graces, not that i narced on anyone ever, but i had like, my Niche as the Academically Successful One, and also i was the kid who draws, another shoutout to some post and tweet about how being The Drawing Kid was like, some measure of respect but also disdain lmfao...) and sometimes people would again like. choose to interact with me repeatedly, and i'd sort of be nonplussed at best b/c it's like, okay thanks but in this situation i didn't Choose this any more than i choose [Trying to be in the group but being rejected/excluded], so it's kinda weird, i was friends with someone for a few years in elementary school but we just were Coincidentally in the same class for those years, when we were in different classes in 3rd or 4th grade and just weren't seeing each other it fizzled out, in middle school i made another couple friends where we were all being Funny lmao, but i didn't go to high school, so once again we weren't seeing each other, and [At School] was where i always had most Interactions with people, didn't see people much outside of school even if we were hanging out / being friends During school, for [a whole tangent] reasons, so. guess the good news is i'm still in touch / friendly acquaintances with some people from school from college, but even then, there was Some more social success or whatever, but not all That much, and i was still unhappy like, not having many friends, often being like "i'm going to the cafe a block away b/c i have no social occasions here and i want to get out of the dorm / be around people," that if i was with more than one other person i could end up the third wheel friend lmao or nobody is paying attention when you talk or oh no i put myself out there hanging with a friend group but maybe people thought you were a joke or something, thanks. smh

and that like, speaking of college, i went early but this was, for my part, truly primarily driven like "well i hate school so if i can Not go to high school, okay" and like, while i got in and everything it was still like "tf is college, i've never known what i Want To Do so i wonder if i'll figure this out, but i'm not expecting to last past the first semester / year b/c this is college and i'm a terrible student actually lol" but then turns out i kept doing well enough like A's & B's like oh woops i guess i'm still here, then, hope i can figure out what tf "credit hours" means (finally did lol).....then sophomore year was a bunch of just Agonizing over "what tf do i major in," something i never figured out, wherein i might bring something up & it got parentally shot down like "never heard you talk about that" like what tf Did you hear me talk about? are you thinking i had my life figured out by age 9, b/c i didn't think that, i'm only 15/16 even Now, even being the Regular college age it's like, nobody's figuring their life out then. also i didn't tell my parents things, so. and then i settle on something that sure, Might've been of interest, but also it was like, a) a program that barely existed and req'd taking classes at a like 30 min away campus and also the head of department had Just retired and the most heinous teacher in the related fields was now in charge, brilliant and b) the sort of thing you'd just wanna start taking prerequisites for like as soon as you set foot on campus, like, great. and c) i was like, hardly feeling all the Academic Ambition anyway b/c i never had, b/c i hate/d school, and b/c i still didn't Know what i wanted to major in, and i was stressed n depressed and also realizing oh right, i'm not cishet, and oh right, i'm never going to get along with my family b/c [long tangent] reasons and that's kind of concerning, here i am impending Being 18 and like, how do i get out of this b/c it's becoming clearer that i'm not just gonna start getting along with the 'rents now that i'm not an elementary schooler and also now that i'm realizing the Reasons being at home sucks. guess i learned stuff in college lol but also it was like, the experience of getting to be Away From Home and existing every day without parents literally / figuratively over my shoulder at some point every day, and getting to do shit on my own and figure things out while Not At Home.....i also had a lot of fun taking a couple classes from this one music prof lol. he was this weird really enthusiastic and really knowledgeable guy lmao like great, these evening classes where we go over to the arts building and he plays things on the piano off the cuff and tells a lot of tangential stories while we're learning about like, beethoven technically, or folk music. didn't need those classes but they were great, i've had these teachers who were totally into whatever they were teaching and had a great time with that

also acknowledgment to the fact i was a No Extracurriculars person all through school, k thru 6 and college alike really, although i took dance class for that k thru 6 period, just that was separate from school actually (and another fun "being away from home" thing and Theatresque performance thing i enjoyed) but besides that it was like, how do i figure out what i want to do without committing to joining this whole thing, i don't know How to sign up for stuff really either, and it'd probably entail "asking for stuff" and needing to coordinate more rides and etc and that's just a hassle, and i wanna go home from school asap anyways, and then like, when it came to college, i was again at first thinking like "well idk what i'm doing and i hate homework so i'll probably mess it up in this first year anyways" and figured that doing anything Extra outside classes was just gonna be too much, and also, it's like, i've never been in these kinds of groups before and why am i gonna start in college, where there'll probably be all these people who Have done this stuff before, and are also 18? e.g. even though it was like "hey you're away from home and don't have to ask/tell anyone else anything to do this club stuff or whatever!" supposed ideal environment for trying stuff out, it was like, maybe i'm theoretically interested in auditioning for the fall theatre production, but the last acting experience i had was like, "2 month drama class in middle school" or "that 4th grade [section of a] play" so like, not really Any education or experience or Training re: any of that stuff, and a bunch of 18 yr olds who might've, or [age peers] who were theatre people who had already done stuff so they weren't getting Lead Roles or anything but they were getting cast / taking classes / joining an a capella group while i'm like right on, i'm over here with some sort of Grade Honor Society (??) saying my gpa qualifies me to join and be able to experience some further academic rigor/requirements lmfao and i'm like absolutely not. get away lol. anyways so bit of a chaotique Post K12 Zone Education Experience there lmfao, all kinds of things i'd Like to Learn and even take classes on, but didn't like, right i love learning languages but never took classes, love math and shit but only got to a certain level of calc and even then seemed to miss some Lore, never did anything re: theatre, etc and so on. so you wonder if some advantages re: high school would be like, more chances for those extracurriculars (or regular curriculars) but, as though i wouldn't have the same qualms about getting in on any of it, and as if i wouldn't've still hated school but also still been at home, F. and i think people can be a lot more normal to each other when it's college and you're Not stuck in one building together 8 hours a day lmao, got some gentle "occasional Bullying style attention" in middle school, but had juuust enough like, [that Niche of good grades / kid who draws] and people who Were friendlier to me that it was you know, unpleasant, but didn't have to be that huge a deal, and then i was outta there soon enough. also, in college many people are 18 or older, as opposed to 11 to 13. anyways the rest of my school story was that in the end the problems were "i don't know what i want to major in and also now's a worse time than ever b/c i've realized my existence At Home is untenable, and naturally i am quite depressed & stressed about things, and i gotta say absolutely virtually every adult presence was either totally unhelpful to Counterproductive here lmao, like, not much anyone could do really but it's helpful when someone is like, i'll treat you like a person vs simply just going 'uh why are you not doing the academic stuff good enough'" lmfao like. the whole time Not having friends i'd wanna talk to through class and happening to get good grades in part b/c i somehow Could as easily as i did and also i was afraid of getting C's or worse b/c "tfw i wasn't even yet in a grade that gave you A thru F grades yet but my older sister caught shit for getting a C

like :/" and etc means adults are like My Student Is Fine, and also, what are you gonna do even if they aren't, i guess. i just had to figure out completely for myself Why and How i really wasn't Fine and that was quite difficult and also took a long time. then there was a mutual prank of "i drop out of college at the tail end of things" and "now i have to be at home with parent/s more resentful of your obvious Waywardness (insert: not being cishet, and the fact it occurs to me that my being autistic was always causing 'problem' behavior i was getting shit for like, the whole time lmfao, even if nobody knew / labeled it like oh this is for ND reasons, or if it was both true i tried to come out (smh, thought i Had to b/c that was part of Not Being Cishet) and it was simply ignored / unaddressed and yet it sure fueled further specific resentment of my not Performing Gender properly, or "worse," so that went well, in that i eventually abruptly left and did not maintain contact, in the interest of "the levels to which i was thriving was like, that if i bailed and like died 50 hrs later it'd still be what i want to do," true to that i did not / don't regret it. and what do you know, i was first able to bail to a relatively nearby friend from college's home, whose family also liked me lmao. shoutout to school still being where i made Any friends, except a friend i made who was a coworker of several years. and Online Friends, which, another school connection, that like, i can more readily Connect w/people via talking about interests, something that happened Sometimes at school in person lmao but not much, but also that i Talk About Interests in a way through Drawing, which, well shoutout to doodling in the margins of papers throughout school lmfao, it didn't hurt! that's my saga.

oh and that footnote, i also really enjoyed the "in middle school you either take language classes or 4 Electives you rotate through each year" and those electives sure featured some more varied and hands on activities i had a great time with. shoutout to like, cooking, and to shop class, my Car Designs were great apparently, idk how. shoutout to my Intuition re: engineering or something lmaoo.....very fun to just end the schoolday in that big garage space where you could actually open that garage door right to where all the buses were, beautiful. Oh, and that's another footnote, when my last class of the day in 8th grade was english, i'd sometimes finish work early and my teacher would let me go to our spacious library, with the v nice librarian who'd recommend books to me she thought should be checked out more often b/c she knew i liked to read that much, and also just generally had teachers / other adult staff kinda wandering in at the end of the day, talk about "i don't really relate to other ppl my age" where i did generally prefer to be around adults, so that was fun. oh and also shoutout to hating school lmao wherein during like, middle school when the schoolday started at like 7:30am or smthing disgusting and i just learned to like, view whatever time it was in a "at least it's almost [x]" like well okay, first period is math and that kinda sucks but at least once it's over this hardest part of the day will be over, then next class is kinda more chill at least, and then it'll be the last period before lunch, etc etc etc where i could sort of keep up that stamina like telling myself at any point it was Almost [a more encouraging time of day] lmao like. kinda fucked up to have to be dragging yourself through the weekdays like that, but

Oh! goddamn and i didn't even get into that if i ever got in ~trouble~ in elementary school it was stuff like Not Paying Attention, but where half the time that might be some other kid beside me messing around lmfao and i'm not gonna be like "uhhh follow the rules!!!" (and that even when i was In Trouble like go sit in the chair where you have to be quiet there for like 10 min i might say something to some other kid in that zone and they'd be like "um it's the quiet chair you have to be quiet!!" or "uh we're getting into the next lesson and you have to put that book back asap" like wow these other kids are dweebs about Rules lmfao) and there'd just be times like, it's 1st grade and i know how to read pretty well already but we're going over the alphabet like stoppp i know the Phonics already........or the ways ND people can kind of Intuit some stuff more successfully, like in third grade learning multiplication i neverrrrr studied but just broke it down like, okay i remember the Fives b/c of telling time, i know the 2x table and stuff, i know the commutative property, if we're all the way at the 8x and i haven't Memorized stuff, i can still like, break it down to say, [5 x 8] + [8 x 2] or something when i see 8 x 7, even if it takes a second lmfao.......and stuff like the tragedy of when i Did make a friend in like, 2nd grade, who i think we didn't even talk to each other ever?? i was playing legos or smthing by myself once during Indoor Recess and she just started playing agreeably along with me, aka someone socializing on My Terms apparently as our Introduction, and we just were friends past that but one time, not even during a Lesson Session, we were messing around quietly making each other laugh as the incredibly important process of "put papers in your folders" was going on, and since we were Not Paying Attention for some reason the teacher made a whole example of it where i had to carry my desk across the classroom for the Shaming Element of it and also so that i had to permanently sit way further from that friend, so that was kind of discouragement re: interacting at all. thank you to that teacher, who'd later once Gesticulate to me from across the gym that i should put my arms down at my sides rather than being crossed (we were rehearsing some class performance) & i had no idea what she was trying to convey, so afterwards she told me i had to have Reduced Recess Time or some shit because of Ignoring her instead of putting my arms down lmfao. and i was irritated at having been misinterpreted / my Intentions dictated to me and punished like that, but i was also used to it from adults lmfao and did not bother explaining myself lol like yeah god forbid i left my arms crossed on purpose and now i have to read some more during recess. tl;dr school has so much nonsense & i def had some Times re: being autistic & also just being someone who hated school forever lmao, think it was Also 2nd grade where one arbitrary sunday night i just cried out of frustration at having to go back for another normal school week. classic. oh and that also, while i wasn't like "oooo booksmart people who hate not having a Definitive Correct Answer to things &/or ohhh autistic ppl So Good at math, in a way everyone hates and disrespects, but they suck at Literature/Arts which requires you to reflect on humanity and shit," like, not only was i the drawing kid but i was also apparently ahead of the curve as it were at like, Literary Analysis lmfao where there was a few times in elementary school i'd be the kid providing the Interpretation like "what's this poem about / what's the theme or Symbolism in this story," but from elementary school to college it's like, for god's sake don't ask me to come up with a story / work with some really open ended prompt, i don't Invent in that way, and when i try to draw on Inspiration i'll get stuck on some specific source and be unable to do anything but just rip it off really lmao. but then again i was prolific in "it's 1st grade and you write and illustrate a little short story or smthing in these booklets

that we then have a simple little binding process for" like ohhh fancy, i got a tootsie roll lollipop at Awards Time for writing a shit ton of those lol. but that's like, when you're too young to have that much of a Creative Process anyways lmao. but then, my older sister, whose Thing was writing, has an incredible 2 Volume like, noir mystery saga from those elementary school times, it's a classic lmao. anyways once again so much to say about School lol closing the door after meandering on that one for this long lol

April 6th: Are you able to drive? If so, was it difficult to learn? What was difficult about it? If not, do you use any alternatives?

i did learn to drive, tbh just universally it's like, at any point you're driving there's A Lot to pay attention to at once, even if you think you're Good At That or whatever, which i sure don't think i always am lol, and it's pretty wild we just, you know, let everyone go around as fast as they want in machines that can kill you or someone else, and this is also Unnecessary b/c like, let's have accessible & reliable public transit so that everyone can travel without Needing to have a car / someone else who will drive them. i didn't think i had too much trouble learning to drive, but it had to help that i just took it very seriously from the start lmao like, well, i'm quite aware i could kill someone with this. the driving classes i took were alright, i remember the instructor being pretty chill and friendly lol. rip to the fact i could be tense when driving with parent/s, when driving a manual i'd always like screech the tires when accelerating out of a Stop, until all at once it was like "and i'm driving that manual car alone on a road trip & wouldn't you know it, only literally once did i have that issue of not getting out of a stop smoothly enough" lmao like the Anxiety......really like yeah i had an alright time learning and think i'm solid enough at driving / like doing it, theoretically, but Driving Is Wild just in general and let's have that public transit

April 7th: How are you with sarcasm and/or metaphors/figures of speech? Do you interpret things very literally?

i think i Usually get what people mean with these Devices but i can't really say lol, but anytime you know, someone is being more Implicit in what they say, plenty of times i can infer one implication and only later realize they probably meant a different one, or yknow, i make whatever initial inference i make and can be stuck like "???" and have to like, mentally run diagrams about the interaction lol......meanwhile i'm not always remembering that like, if i'm shifting context mentally that's necessarily able to be inferred by whoever i'm talking to lol, whether it's about getting into some adjacent topic or like, i don't think it tends to be very clear even in person when i've started being sarcastic lmao, like i know that can be true for anyone but it's like well, guess i gotta make it clearer i'm doing a bit......flipside of that or something lmao that people are more Obvious than they think they are sometimes about like, idk, when someone is sort of making some sarcastic remark to you but the sarcasm is also sort of only to themself, aka just like okay i know you mean this more dismissively / disparagingly than re: what you're saying just at face value lol like. just always fun >:/

#30daysofautismacceptance #2021 #you know that Read More means especially a saga even by my standards lmfao

[moononastring]

Just noticed I forgot to send this, but know this has been waiting for me to hit 'send' for about 6 hours:: Fanfic ask!!! Questions 1-5, 6-11, and 12-20 😂😉 oh, and 22, 24, 27, and 46. Or just all of them 😉😋

Oh Krissy XDDD

1. things that inspire you

Music and visuals. I am deeply inspired by those things. The idea for my original story popped up when I heard this specific song and just like that, a story blossomed.

2. things that motivate you

Feedback. I am a slut for feedback. It makes me feel validated lmfao.

3. name three favorite writers

As listed in my bio, SJM, Leigh Bardugo, and Tahereh Mafi! Fandom writers, you are one of my favs dearest, @lady-therion​ and my lovely @howtotameyourillyrian

among the many others.

4.name three authors that were influential to your work and tell why

Tahereh Mafi, Sally Thorne, and JK Rowling. Each of these authors changed certain writing styles and had them come into perspective for me. When I first read for Tahereh, I hadn’t seen her writing style before but I fell in love with it. Sally Throne really made it easy to love her style because it’s funny but without sacrificing the quality of the characters or plot. And well, JK Rowling’s world was the one that made me dive into reading and believe in the magic of words.

5. since how long do you write?

I first started dabbling into fanfiction around 11/12 maybe? It started with Harry Potter fanfiction lol.

6. how did writing change you?

Writing is a safe space for me. It lets me pour out all the scenarios and worlds in my head on paper. It also made me more confident in myself. For the longest time, I hated talking about my hobbies and the things I liked to do. I used to hold back on ever telling anyone I liked to write but in the last two years, I’ve done more and more of it that I’m much more confident to  discuss it with people.

7.early influences on your writing

JK Rowling. Easily the biggest influence because it got me to think, “hey, if she could do it, I can do it too!”

8. what time are you most productive?

It varies on the day and what I’m doing. Before I had my current job, I used to do my best writing at night because I stayed up late. But now, I think the morning time is my most productive.

9. do you set yourself deadlines?

Again, it depends on the piece. For Nanowrimo, I loved having a word goal everyday and for the month. It made it easier to track the progress. If it’s for a fic, I usually like to say I’d have it up as soon as I mention I’m writing it.

10. how do you do your researches?

Googleeeeeeee. But also, I use a lot of the writing reference blogs here on tumblr. There is so much great information!

11. do you listen to music when writing?

I pretty much have set playlists for everything I can think of. Hard yes.

12. favorite place to write

I can write anywhere tbh. As long as I’m in the zone and comfortable, it’ll get written. But I do prefer on my desk in my bedroom.

13. hardest character to write

Amren is a hard one. I feel like Rowan and Aelin aren’t characters I feel too comfortable writing because I just can’t get their tone right.

14. easiest character to write

Elain! She’s a character you can play around with since canon isn’t as set in stone as the other characters. I also feel like I’ve gotten Lucien’s tone down well.

15. hardest verse to write

The smut in Around the World. Not because I didn’t want to/know how to write the smut but because it was my first actual smut piece in forever and I wanted it to be well done and not cringy XD.

16. easiest verse to write

Hm…Forget Me Not. Drunk!Elain happened so easily and quickly. 

17. favorite AU to write

Modern AU for the ACOTAR/TOG characters because it’s fun.

18. favorite pairing to write

Elucien, always.

19. favorite fandom to write

At the time, ACOTAR is mostly what I write for anyways. The inspiration is usually always there.

20. favorite character to write

Drunk!Rhys because he’s a needy little shit and it’s hilarious. But on a serious note, Lucien is always a favorite. I love him so much.

22. favorite story you’ve ever written 

Oh gosh…this is hard. I’ve loved every single one of the ones I wrote so I’ll decide based on pairing: Elucien - It’s a tie between Bouquet Full of Loathing & A Fox and A Flower Crown lol (I’m an indecisive bitch, you’re lucky I picked two) for Nessian - Butter My Muffin and Oh, What a Night (which is bonus Elucien too I’m a little shit I know). I really liked my Elorcan -  Boner for You piece too.

24. favorite scene you’ve ever written

I would say it was the the snippet from Tales of the Fox & the Fawn, Territorial and Proud. Elain being territorial over her mate while being a coy little tease is always a favorite.

27. best review you ever got

Every review I’ve ever gotten was great. I take those reviews and little squeal like a moron. Watching people lose their shit in the tags is always hilarious. Sian is known for saying the funniest things and there was one particular user who used to leave long paragraphs detailing her favorite parts and I would just die tbh.

46. share a scene of a story that you haven’t published yet

I’m going to say what this is from but for those that enjoyed my two Bouquet Full of… pieces, they’ll know lol.

Nesta opened the door to her apartment with a sigh, happy to finally, finally be home. It hadn’t been too difficult of a day but that cockroach dating her sister had taken the day off, making Friday a lot longer than necessary.

Granted, he had taken the day off to spend it with Elain so she couldn’t be too mad at him.She shut the door and placed her keys on the table next to it and then, she noticed her surroundings.

Flower petals.

Everywhere.

Nesta blinked then her eyes followed the trail leading from the door to the couch to the kitchen, to the bathroom and lastly, towards her closed bedroom door. She smiled.

Well. Cassian sure knew how to surprise her.

“Cas, I’m home.” she called out softly, slipping out of her heels. She would need to change before the dinner at Feyre’s they were invited to anyways. But they had time. Time to fuck on every single one of the surfaces that he covered with rose petals.

When a minute passed and Nesta didn’t hear a response, her brows furrowed.

“Cassian?” she called out again. Was he not home? Nesta moved closer to inspect the petals he had laid everyone then stopped short at the sight of the  couch. Covered in petals. But also…clothes?

This took so long you little shit lmfaoooo. THANKS FOR THE ASK

asks for fanfic writers

#ask games #asks #all-we-can-be #about me;

[chityca]

5/365 - 2019년 1월 5일

Today was the day that I was supposed to go to Vietnam for 3 weeks, but I really didn’t want to spend time with my viet gma. And I really just want to stay in Korea for as much time as I can ...

Anyways, my English club went on a MT! This is my first (and last) MT haha. So I had no expectations. Well we had retreats for ASA, but that was just for ~leadership and bonding~

I didn’t get much sleep the night before because we stayed out until 4am, and I couldn’t fall asleep well. The next morning, we walked to the building together. I mainly walked with Brian because the others were putting on their sticker tattoos lol. Why am I always with this boy.

He asked me if anything was wrong because I didn’t sleep a lot last night hahah. So cute. I really didn’t know what to say to him?? I said I was watching YouTube. Then he asked if I listened to the song he wanted me to listen to hahah. I forgot. But I did tell him I saw Joseph Vincent in person live!! Because he and David Choi opened up for BAP that year in 2013 lmao. 6 years ago??? Wow. We talked a lot hahah. Then we walked into the building together and saw Mia, and Kelly. So we walked into the room together. Haha, everyone was excited to see me because I missed a week of ECHO ... then I left Brian’s side to talk to people. We ended up going to put on the sticker tattoos together. Hailey tried to talk to me but Brian interrupted us hahah.

I wanted to sit next to him on the bus hahhaa. But I learned my lesson and didn’t want to be selfish, like I used to with Merton. How I wanted to always be beside him during retreats or outings smh. But I sat beside Owen, Eric and Amy. I tried to talk to Owen and Eric because they played Rich Brian’s Dat Stick lmaoo. But it was awkward so I just stuck to talking to Amy and watching the movie.

We got to the place and rested for a bit. I don’t know why sometimes its so awkward with Brian??? Lmao. Because sometimes he wouldn’t talk to anyone and I would be alone to. But I tried not to hog up his time.

We got put into the same group for our games, and we sat beside each other. He kept helping me translate the game hahah. Mia would sometimes tell him to do so 😂 I think they have a thing for each other 🤔🤔 but I could be wrong .. he just hardly was with anyone but me or Mia lol ..

The day went on ~ I didn’t know what to do for the dinner, so Donna told me to just follow “my friend” Brian lmfao. I felt bad because he was also confused and he really translate all the time for me omg. He told me to take a rest and he’ll come get me if they need me LOL he is so nice. When we were eating, he sat in front of me and Amy. Probably because there weren’t any seats at the other end.

I poured his drink for him hahah. Then he kept showing people his ice cream tattoo. It was so cute. He was so proud of it. I picked it out for him hehe. And then they saw mine and was like “wow! It’s similar!!” Woops. One time, Amy was giving me some noodles but there weren’t much left, so he told Jongwook to give me some of his noodles haha so sweet. He is always looking out for me. I was always giving Amy meat and mushrooms lol. I can be a good girlfriend okie okie.

Amy and I left a little early because she was on her period. We got a prego scare together smh. Then we came back and he was hanging with Mia. We talked with Donna some and ended up going back inside because it was so cold and everyone was cleaning up. We rested a little bit. Actually I don’t remember much here ...

We did the gift exchange and I got Lina’s gift! Eric recieved my gift but somehow it broke lol. He said he is really thankful for it. It’s funny because Amy got Brian’s gift lmfao. We went bag shopping together. Then Evan got Amy’s gift LOLOL. It’s destiny.

Me Evan Amy and Brian are so close now hahahh. I think everyone in ECHO can see it. But that’s good! Because I think they really like when patrons and juniors get close to each other.

Then!!! Began the driNKINGGG GAMES. I somehow ended up sitting beside Brian, again?? Lol. But we played this game similar to move your butt. I didn’t end up drinking any. We took a break and I went to lay in the room with Amy.

After that, they played more drinking games. I think at this point, me and Amy were SOOO tired. But we drank a lot together lmao. I didn’t know how to play most of the games so I was just like fuck it. I got tipsy really fast and Amy got red really fast. Brian was like “is sHe okAy” lmfao. Nope. Anyways I was pretty tipsy omg. She ended up going to lay down and I was checking up on her. But I ended up having to drink because John lost. Lol. Anyways I helped them chug it and went to help Amy hahah. It was gross. I chug drinks, this is why I get drunk faster ..

After a while they stopped the game and some people went outside to look at the stars. So I convinced Amy to come find Evan, and told Brian to come too. But Amy was too drunk. So she couldn’t walk and went back inside to throw up. Evan went with her too. I told Brian we should wait for her but he said NaH let’s go lololol. While we were walking to the tennis court, we saw all the echo members and they were like “WHAT IS THIS !! A SECRET DATE!!!???”

Brian had his phone light on so I motioned him to hide it so it looked like we were holding hands .... lmfao. Fuck. Anyways they all shouted “Congratulations!!! You should hold hands !! You should start dating !!!” Omg so embarrassing lmfaooo. Brian just kept jumping up and down with him and I kept said “noOoooo” in korean 😂 then Mia came up to me and was like “congratulations!!!” But we ended up walking with her to the tennis courts too lolol but it was so cute because Brian didn’t deny anything and was just hyping it up as well hahahh.

We laid down together to watch the stars. But my head was hurting laying there and Brian said something in Korean to Mia, asking how he can translate it to a english lol and it was, “do you want me to put my arm under your head” HAHAHHHA OMG. I really should have said yeah, but after that awkward dating scandel, I was like nah nah. He later offered both his arms to me and Mia LMAO. So I really think he has nothing for me 😂

I kept calling Mia pretty and she said I was prettier lmaoo and then I said nOo Brian is prettier !! Aha. I love us. We somehow all held hands and jumped up and down to 1million ... lol i kept calling Amy and Evan bc I wanted them to be there, together so it didn’t seem like I wanted to be with Brian only.

They eventually came and we walked together somewhere else. “To look for zombies” and I somehow tripped going up the stairs and Brian helped me LOL. Also I invited Mia to my birthday gathering !! Because she was actually the first person that told me she will tell Echo to celebrate it hahha.

I made Brian go in this sketchy place with me because he had his phone light on. And I held his arm because I was scared LOL. But uhm, not awkward right? Because I hold everyone that I’m closed to!

I somehow was very tipsy ... brian and I played with the his phone light and did some hand shadows to this dog lol it was so cute ???

Then we walked more and Brian asked me if street lights in America were the same color and I told him honestly I don’t pay attention bc I don’t walk around, I just drive haha.

I ended up crying on Amy !!! Haha. Because I was sad. I really will miss this and Amy :( we walked back and I held onto Mia and Brian’s arms. It was kind of awkward because it felt like I was third wheeling them.

Idk what happened after we went in. Oh, people played more games I guess?? I wanted Brian Mia and Evan to drink more but they were tired, so I went with Amy. Mia couldn’t drink more because of the medicine she was taking. I went to talk to Donna, Lily and Kelly. Omg Lily and Donna asked me if we were dating LOL OMG. I kept telling them nooo. I told Donna that I like him though. And she asked if I like him, or love him LOL WHAT. I said nO i like him, but he probably likes someone else. And I told her that it was okay because we are the same age and we are close, so that is enough for me.

Then Amy and I went in the kitchen with Selena, Eric, Owen, Ashley, and Ella. I ended up spilling my drink LMAO. WTH !! Why am I so clumsy ??? So I left that and went back in the room to play zombies.

I was just going from group to group to see what I liked. I reminded me of ASA when I would do that and not stick to one. So I decided to stick with one! I ended up playing the cup games with Selena, Eric, Ella, Owen and Donna. And I had to drink, maybe two times?? I saw that Brian joined the other drinking group. One time, I looked over at them (because we were making a lot of noise and looked like we were having more fun lol) and Brian looked over at me too omg .. I didn’t mean to make eye contact with him .. lol but it was kind of cute :(

Sometimes I would go to their group and refill our snacks and John would help me because I was kinda drunk at that point. I really don’t remember how some of the stuff played out but somehow I ended up going outside aGAIN. But this time I went with Brian ??? Alone ???? Lmfao ??? What. I don’t remember, why or how ???

But Brian was really taking care of me ahahha. Did we go alone wth ??? We saw Jongwook and Julie and I hugged them lmao I was drunk ?? We went to the tennis court again because I wanted to see the stars, and I was so drunk when I laid down omg. I was sooo dizzy. He didn’t want to lay down so he stood there talking to me lol poor boy kept wanting to go inside because it was cold. But I was drunk and wasn’t cold. Then some echo members came down and saw us. But they went to talk somewhere else lol. Eventually they left and Donna was laying on the ground so I went over to lay on her LOL. And I made Brian come over to us and I held his hand ????? LOL WHAT. I remember it so well but I DONT KNOW WHY I HELD HIS HAND !!! Anyways he squeezed my hand at some point and it felt reassuring, and cute. Heh.

I told them I had to use the restroom and Mia was actually with us so I don’t remember how she ended up there ... oh yeah she took his jacket velco thing and kept it :( anyways, I went to the restroom by myself and went back outside to look for them but they were gone. So I went back inside and went in the kitchen ... ? They told me to watch the sausages but lmao I left after someone came to take over.

Okay I don’t remember if this is in order or not because I was drunk ... lol

I was with Brian, Eric, Ella, Owen, Selena, Evan and Amy at some point. Brian was sitting against the wall, and I was beside him. But! I’m pretty sure he came over to me because that was the corner that I was playing games with alll of them. I told Owen that his style is really nice and he is really cute hahahah. And he asked what about Eric. I said yeAH HIM TOO. LOL. Brian drank more with us heh. Brian went to put Evan to sleep lmao. And Amy eventually left us to sleep too.

Brian asked if I wanted to eat Ramen and went to check in the kitchen. They made some corn cheese and Brian told me to come over to get some haha he is soooo nicd. Mia ended up feeding me because I didn’t have any chopsticks. I went back to play with the others and Brian came over again too. We drank more.

Then they all left to go outside. I was left with Brian, but we were talking a lot. Mainly about alcohol??? Lol. Like always ... but yeah why are we always together I realized ...

I don’t know what happened after this ??? Lol

Somehow, we ended up drinking with Jongwook, Selena, Jimmy, Ashley, John and Donna. Jongwook said I am his drinking partner lmfao rip. I fed them all sausages hehe. Brian kept telling me to go brush my teeth and go to bed LMAO. HE TOLD ME NOT TO DRINK ANYMORE.

Idk why I kept drinking more but I ended up going to bed. They went outside again. I knocked the fuck out though.

[yang-squared]

i don’t really know how to write this one because it’s a hot mess tm, but i really need to put it down so i can see it later (in the morning probably) and get over it like i need to.

i guess i’ll start at the beginning. or maybe some background info? yeah, that’s probably the best. i know my bro can see this, so if you’re him, please don’t bring this up to me unless we’re alone. i just need to cry about it for now. because it’s three in the morning and i haven’t been this sad in a hot minute.

so i get bored a lot, and feel the urge to consistently have attention or at least feel wanted (refer to previous post) because otherwise i feel like i’m a failure or i start disassociating like i’m not even real because people just don’t care or maybe i should just disappear anyways because it wouldn’t matter (this is toxic, i realize now ok). anyways, i end up on apps like tinder. because it’s easy validation and i can skrt skrt away from people fairly quickly and without problem. also because it’s funny hearing their pickup lines.

usually i end up feeling disgusting after getting said apps, but it’s also fun to swipe on people because it’s either going to be great or terrible. also: amusing to see who’s all on these apps you know.

i ended up talking to this guy first, which is weird. but i only did so because i saw he was in an organization that i know several people in, but they’re in different states (he lives like four-ish hours, i think) and i kind of recognized him as one of their newer members. he was one of the ones i thought was cute when a friend of mine (who is in my organization where we know these guys from). so, like, kinda weird lmao. so i messaged him, double checking even though his name was kind of a blatant sign.

we ended up talking for a while on the app, kind of establishing how we ended up on each other’s profiles considering he’s kind of far. he was in town the weekend for the chapter at my university visiting. whatever. i remember this because he ended up asking me if i was there, which i was not. also because shortly after there was a tragedy and we had already been talking for a day or two. but that was on snap. we had ended up matching fairly early, but i didn’t say anything until later. but he was pretty bad at responding, to which he said, and then asked for my snap (which i’m always kind of hesitant about sharing because it has my last name in my user) and i was sold when he went “bet.” this was january 14th i think or somewhere around there.

we ended up snap chatting for a while, i guess, but i decided to delete snap because i was just getting really tired of it. so we switched to texting (jan 26th, these dates are just so i have a rough timeline for myself). we send a lot of memes to each other, even now, and it’s kind of funny. very nice. BUT whatever.

long story short for this part: we were both interested in each other (i guess??) and talked about it a lot and we hella face timed (which we haven’t really in a while and it makes me sad) but something happened the weekend we actually met (lolz) with another girl and now he’s interested in her (which is ok!! she’s super nice and very outgoing!! and i hope they’re happy!!) but i guess that’s where the “keep me up all night” part comes in.

we’re still friends, probably because i’d like to think it’s because we send each other memes and have a slightly similar sense of humor, and i’m ok with that. it feels a little more like things don’t have to be forced. we’re still best friends on snap (for two weeks lmfao) and text every now and then and send memes on instagram. then he found my stan twitter and now sends me stuff on there (this is true friendship, i guess he’s really in it for the long haul considering i say the Dumbest things on stan twt) and it’s fine i guess. but like. i worry about him.

yeah, he raves and does things involved with rave culture, which ok. fair to worry about. but i don’t know. lately, he’s only really talking to me at night (like late nights, when he has early classes) and while i don’t mind because i never sleep and he knows this, i want to make sure he’s ok. like tonight he even said he wasn’t feeling great bc of feelings and he has the terrible habit of sleeping it off and idk. i feel like i shouldn’t really care that much and like i’m overanalyzing, but i just want to make sure he’s ok.

i also don’t wanna piss the other girl off since she’s in one of my orgs and is also in an org my sorority has *tensions* with. like, she’s really nice. it’s just i don’t know if she even knows i talk to him and while it doesn’t mean anything, i don’t want her to assume something. i don’t know the extent they even talk and it’s none of my business to ask, but i hope he can go to her with some of his emotions too. because i can’t be the girl he only talks to at night because he can’t talk to her about it. i’m just gonna get hurt by it, because i end up investing so much of my own emotional health into people who are just taking advantage of the fact i care about their well-being. like i really hope it isn’t like that, but it’s just bothering me.

#oops #i was gonna make this longer #but it really shouldn't bother me #personal