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caramel-and-pine · 6 years

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06 - Memories and Regrets

David falls asleep immediately, Max is not so lucky. The young man stays there, sitting at the edge of the bed with his hand tightly held by David for a long time. Eventually, he lays down as well, never removing his hand from the older man’s grip.

The window is open but the night is warm and pleasant, and the yellow light from a lamp post streams into the room bathing everything in amber colors. Max takes this moment to see David up close without pressure or rush. It might be the light, but his hair is a lot more on the red side than Max remembers, and now it is a little shorter and parted sideways instead of swept back. Sleeping and a bit drunk he looks quite peaceful, the lines around his eyes relaxed and the sunken area under them not so pronounced. Max remembers David’s words from earlier that night. I am dying to know anything about your life.

Well, if Max is completely honest he is curious about what happened to David on those years as well. First and foremost he is curious about the outcome of Campbell’s investigation and arrest. He vaguely remembers seeing on TV that Cameron Campbell was trying to be extradited to Thailand or something, David would certainly know what happened. But Max is also curious about David’s personal life.

How did he end up as a photographer? What is up with this tiny hipster house? Why did he cut those floofy bangs that Max secretly enjoyed as a child? The young man has many questions.

Why do you look so tired? Why aren’t you so happy anymore?

Max’s eyes drift across David’s form. His long and thin neck disappearing inside the collar of his loose shirt, his legs as long and slim as Max remembers, his arms still thin and pale. Max never understood how David could be so pale when he loved the outdoors so much…

They are laying very close together, David’s deep breaths fan over their joined hands and Max moves a little closer still to brush a lock of auburn hair off his face when something catches his attention.

The yellow light from the street creates soft shadows on the contours of numerous thin, raised white lines down David’s wrist and forearms. Max moves their hands slightly so he can see David’s arm from a different angle, but changing the light doesn’t change the image. Quite the opposite, the new point of view allows Max to see how far the scars go, crisscrossing the slim limb like a spider web.

Max gasps softly, his free hand covering his mouth to avoid unnecessary noises. His eyes fill with tears and his heart sinks. What could have happened to make David, the most cheerful and optimistic person in the world, do something like this to himself?

David must have sensed Max’s turmoil even in his sleep because at this moment he tugs the younger man close and nuzzles his chest making soft cooing noises. Max throws his free arm around David and before he notices he is humming soothingly as the other man falls into an even deeper slumber.

***

David wakes up in the morning to the soft sound of another person’s breathing. It takes him some time to identify the sound. He hadn’t shared his bed with someone else in a long time. Before he fully opens his eyes he is assaulted by memories of the previous night. Oh gosh, darn it! Did he actually pole dance in front of an entire audience? He hopes he is hallucinating but his body aches in a way that suggests that he isn’t. He groans slightly, a headache exploding behind closed eyes.

Now he knows why they are called Red Bombs… he is wrecked and regretting that fifth drink. And the fourth as well.

Cautiously he opens his eyes. The room is very bright with sunlight entering through the window but David’s eyes are thankfully sheltered from the light by Max’s shadow. Max. David smiles when he sees him there, face mashed against the pillow and mouth hanging half opened as he sleeps.

Max not only cared enough to bring him home but he stayed there with him through the night. David’s eyes itch slightly and he knows how emotional he tends to get when drunk, so he just imagines what kind of embarrassing thing he did in front of Max. Whatever is was, it wasn’t enough to drive the young man away, and for this he is grateful. David is craving a tall glass of water and some aspirins more than anything else in the world, but he is so comfortable there with Max’s arm loosely looped over his shoulders and the soft rhythm of the other man’s breathing close to him. He just doesn’t find it in himself to move yet.

Eventually, he can’t ignore his need for water and painkillers so he carefully moves away from Max and goes to the small en-suite bathroom. He doesn’t look as bad as he expected, save from a small redness around his eyes he looks good. Rested. It is impossible to tell how hungover he actually is, which is really great. He washes his face and drinks a few handfuls of water before digging into the small cabinet after aspirins and antiacid.

He doesn’t know what time it is but he doesn’t have anything important to do and the idea of slipping into bed again is truly attractive.

The idea of slipping into bed again is rudely aborted when he comes back to the bedroom and finds Max awake and looking at him with very serious eyes.

“Good morning, Max,” he says lightly as he sits on the edge of the bed, not sure if he should or could get closer to Max again.

“Good morning, how is your head?”

“Aching,” David replies with sincerity. “But not terribly so, I’ve just taken some aspirins so it’ll get better soon. I hope.” Max nods slowly.

“David, I want to ask you something but I know the answer will be very personal,” Mas says in measured words, his eyes slowly drifting away from David’s. “You’ve respected my boundaries ever since we met again, and I want to do the same for you, but I also really want to know what happened to you.”

At this point, he is looking at David’s limp arm where it rests between them on the bed. David follows his line of sight and quickly understands what he means. The older man takes a steadying breath but turns his arm so that Max can have a full view of the scars.

“Is this what you want to ask?” David questions softly, and Max nods and looks away.

This time David moves closer and rests his back on the wall, Max sits up by his side, shoulder by shoulder. They both keep looking at the opposite wall as David clears his throat.

“In these ten years I had three relationships,” he starts, and Max rises an eyebrow questioningly but doesn’t interrupt. “After a few months of the end of Camp Campbell and of you being taken and all, Gwen and I started to date.”

“What?!” Max can’t help but react. Gwen seemed at least as annoyed by David as Max himself back at camp. David laughs at his reaction.

“Yeah, I know, super weird, right?” He shows some good humor as he speaks and slowly the two of them start to move and shift until they are leaning against one another. “We were very close at that time, really focused on searching for you and then we had to deal with a lot of shit due to the investigation on Mr. Campbell’s illegal activities. To sum up, we were lost in the middle of a lot of problems and we only had each other to count on and one thing leads to other… Well, we dated for about six months before we realized that it wasn’t working for either of us. We are still very good friends, we message each other daily and talk almost every week. Curiously, it was Gwen who took me to The Fruit Bowl the first time.”

“Curious, indeed. What the hell were you two doing there, anyway?”

“One of Gwen’s co-workers talked about the bar and she thought it would be a good idea to go there, I think the person didn’t specify the kind of bar it was…” David rubs his neck, a little flustered and Max snorts a small laugh before falling in silence so David could continue his story.

“Anyway, we broke up but continued to be friends. About one year after this I started to work as a photographer, taking pictures of touristic attractions and landscapes for tour guides. That is how I met Tony.”

“Is Tony a weird girl name or…?” Max trails off and David is surprised but how prudish he is being.

“No, Tony is a man. I didn’t imagine this would be a problem for you.”

Max leans away so he can look David in the eyes. “No problem at all, I was just surprised. When I was eleven I asked my mother to send me back to a camp - any camp, but Ron forbid her because he said camping was for fags like that idiot at Lake Lilac,” Max says so with a mocking voice that surprisingly brings a small smile to David’s face. “You did make an impression on him, I guess; he sometimes used you as an example of what would happen to me if I didn’t have a real man to bring me up.”

“Should I be honored?” David asks with a small eye roll that Max finds very endearing.

“I think not, anyway, I guess he wasn’t a real real man because I’ve known I am bisexual since I was twelve or something.” Max shrugs. “I admit I always imagined you as a kind of asexual being, it is…” he looks around for a proper word, “ interesting to know the truth.”

David considers this for a moment but in the end, he resumes his narrative.

“So, Tony worked as an editor in a local guide and he loved nature and camping and we worked really well together. I invited him to go on a trip so he could write an article about the region to go with the photos I would take. And in this travel he admitted he had feelings for me,” David seems taken by some good nostalgia as he speaks, Max once again settles by his side, looking at their bare feet close together at the end of the bed.

“Did you know you are bi at that time?”

“No, I didn’t,” David says while shaking his head. “I was very surprised by his confession and, I am a little ashamed to admit, I was a bit uneasy for the rest of the trip. But eventually, I digested this information and started to analyze my own feelings and, well, we started dating about two weeks later.”

“Yoo-hoo” Max cheers softly, pumping his hand in the air. David laughs sweetly.

“Tony and I dated for two years, we were considering moving in together when he was transferred to Alaska.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, it was terrible. He worked for a public department and I think he got into a fight with a superior and they managed to have him transferred to as far away as possible.”

“And why didn’t you go with him?”

David hesitates, he looks at something by the computer on the other side of the room but the angle doesn’t allow Max to see what it is.

“Well, I couldn’t. I had my own work here, and I don’t think I would adapt to Alaska, I love this region, the nature, and weather and the people here. Unfortunately, I had to decline. We tried a long distance relationship but it didn’t work either so we broke up and just went on being friends too. In January he came here on vacation and we went out together, it was fun, but the feeling is gone.”

“Do you always make friends with your exes?” Max asks with a smirk.

“No, not with all of them,” David says in a much darker tone, his hand unconsciously wrapping around his scarred wrist. Max gently takes his hand on his own.

“Is this how it happened?”

“Yes,” David breathes deeply. “After Tony, I decided to focus on my work and personal life and projects. I moved to this house and my career as a photographer was solidifying, I was very happy. One day I went to a public library to rent some books and the librarian recognized my name from one of those tour guides. Her name was Cynthia and she didn’t like nature all that much but she loved photography and art and she was really cute.

“I started to frequent the library just to have an excuse to see her and one day she gave me her number, and we started to text and talk and I fell in love with her. I asked her out and she just laughed and said that if I had made her wait another week she would have asked me herself.” David snorts a little at the memory and so Max allows himself a small laugh of his own.

“We dated for three years and as we moved in together we found out she was pregnant,” Max quickly looks around for any signs of kids in the room but he sees no toys or pictures or silly drawings and he quickly jumps to a painful conclusion. He almost asks David to stop talking but David’s narrative seems to have gained momentum and he just keeps talking despite the tears already welling in his eyes. “She agreed that if the baby was a boy we would call him Max.”

At this point, the tears are falling, unbidden and Max doesn’t know what to do. He holds David’s hands tightly and brings David’s face to his shoulder so the other man can at least hide his tears. David cries in silence for a few moments before he gains enough breath to speak again.

“On the fifth month she had a big complication that caused a miscarriage, and I just… broke.”

Max puts an arm around him and starts to gently rock back and forth, hand rubbing circles on David’s tense shoulders.

“She left to make an exam at the hospital and when she returned she found me in the tub, already unconscious. Luckily her brother was with her and he got me and they took me to the hospital where they said that I was at the limit. If I had lost any more blood it would be impossible to save me.”

“Shhhh, stop David,” Max says soothingly. “It is okay, you survived, you are stronger now.”

The silence is broken by the soft sounds of David crying. Max’s own eyes are full of tears but he sheds them soundlessly, the tears getting lost on David’s hair as the younger man presses his face to his head in a hug.

“She said she couldn’t deal with the loss of the baby and with me at the same time,” David says after a long time. “I don’t blame her, I never did. She did nothing wrong and when she needed me I tried to bail in the worst possible way. She returned to her parent’s house and changed her telephone number and e-mail, she blocked her facebook page and just any other mean I would have of searching for her. I know this because her brother told me, I never tried to reach out to her because I know how much pain I caused her.”

“She was selfish,” Max says in a low voice, “ you needed her.”

“Don’t say this so carelessly, Max,” David says softly. “She needed to care and protect herself before looking for anyone else. I know my own pain after the miscarriage but I can’t even imagine hers, I can’t imagine what is it like to lose a son and almost lose a lover at the same time. I just wish her well, and if anything I’d like to apologize and say that I don’t have any ill feelings for her.”

“You’ve never talked to her again?”

“No, I didn’t,” David wipes his eyes on Max’s shoulder. “Gwen managed to contact her after a while just to tell her that I was recovering and that I was in therapy and taking medicine for my depression.”

“Losing the baby gave you depression?” Max asks cautiously.

“Gwen says I’ve always had depression, I just had an odd way of dealing with it.”

“I knew you couldn’t be so fucking happy all the time…” Max mutters and David actually laughs at this.

“Yeah, I guess you were right after all. My parents were always busy when I was a kid and whenever I was sad or down they would tell me I wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy, Gwen says those were my first depressive episodes. I just learned to bottle everything up and try really hard to be happy,” David sits up straight and looks at Max. There are tiny tears clinging to his eyelashes and David carefully reaches to wipe them away. “I think if I had started my treatment sooner lots of things would have been different, but there is no point in thinking about what if now.”

“I’d probably have liked you better if you weren’t a walking toothpaste advertisement,” Max says with a smirk.

“Oh, c’mon Max, you loved me.”

“I tried to crush your head with a rock. And lead a revolution against you!”

“But when I was breaking down you were there to help me, I remember the night we made a fire and sang together and you and I shared the staff of the leader of the Order of the Sparrow.”

“That was super racist, you know?”

David laughs, bright and light once again and Max’s own chest feels a lot lighter.

“Yes, it was! It was super racist and just very bad but I had fun.”

“I kinda had fun too,” Max says with a small shrug.

“We all did,” David affirms. “Thanks to you.”

David looks at Max with a smile that, despite being small, is so significant. It is not the exaggerated grin Max hated back at camp, nor the false smile people use when trying to convince Max to do something against his rules. It is a genuine smile and Max can’t help but reply in kind.

“I am glad I told you all this,” David says after a moment. “Only Gwen and my therapist know all of this, but I am glad you do too now.”

“Thank you for telling me this,” Max says, once again his hand finds David’s and squeeze. “I guess it is time for me to repay the favor.”

Check this chapter on AO3.

#chapters #chapter 06 #Memories and Regrets

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