#All my life's a circle; But I can't tell you why; Season's spinning round again; The years keep rollin'

[lunawings]

For long-time followers who may wanna read

So I’ve been more or less hiding the past three years. I mean, so has most of the rest of the world but in addition to the pandemic I’ve also been struggling to redefine my adult life and find my place in the world again. Now that things are opening up again (for real? maybe?) I’ve been feeling more emotionally ready to both take on new challenges and rediscover my old self. To go on adventures again. To go to new events. To get back into itabag making and maybe even cosplay??(!)? (if I’m ever able to afford it lol) 

I kinda have been doing that for the past year on a smaller scale. But I have a couple significantly bigger events coming up on my horizon. (One in particular is a HUGE dream come true sort of thing for me that I couldn’t accomplish in Japan.) And it’s made me feel really conflicted about what I want to do with this blog. 

When I was in Japan, this blog was my main outlet for sharing my various adventures. Because a lot of the time I would have no one to share them with, and seeing as I was (or in some cases, my group was) the only foreigner(s) at any event I visited, the likelihood I’d unexpectedly run into any followers of this blog was so extremely miniscule to the point where I felt safe posting most of the time.

But now that I’m in an English-speaking country, even though that chance is still fairly low it’s not impossibly low anymore. Funny or rather awful thing is, I think I’m equally if not more scared of meeting potential new friends than I am of meeting stalkers. Because I am THE absolute MASTER of destroying relationships, often before they even start.

Case and point two incidents that happened in the past year:

I was at a small, local con looking at merch in the dealer’s room. It was a dealer I had been circling all day before finally working up the courage to ask questions about the merch and make a purchase. I don’t remember what was on my mind, but I was really intently overthinking something about what I was going to buy when someone came up from behind me and complimented some of my PriPara badges pins. She was like “Oh it’s so hard to find people who like PriPara” or something like that. Fucking amazing opportunity to talk about one of my niche interests, right? But instead I panicked was just like “Oh thanks” and turned away because I wasn’t in the right headspace to handle a conversation at that time and didn’t consider until the moment was already long passed what I had done. 

A few months after that I was at an arcade. I’d finished playing a game but was still sitting at the machine watching someone else play. I’m not sure which came first, but a girl came up to me to both compliment the Ruby stuff on my bag and ask me if I’d move so she could play. She was perfectly nice about it, but I was just so mortally embarrassed that I’d been caught committing a cardinal sin of Japanese arcades (sitting at a game when you’re not playing it) that I was like “Oh sorry thanks” or whatever and just RAN away as fast as possible. Fuck. 

So... while I really doubt either of those two people follow this blog (if they do OH MY GOD IM SO SORRY), the idea that I might meet someone that does and if I do that I’ll absolutely ruin it is terrifying. I’m really attached to this blog but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea anymore. But I don’t really want to start over either. I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear and see what I feel comfortable with and/or quietly move some of my adventures elsewhere?

#All my life's a circle; Sunrise and sundown; Moon rolls thru the nighttime; Till the daybreak comes around. #All my life's a circle; But I can't tell you why; Season's spinning round again; The years keep rollin' #every so often when that circle comes around #i seek out improving myself and becoming better at making lasting relationships #only to burn bridges and end up right where i began #i was the most serious about it when i left japan #i even went to therapy for a while #but ultimately #i always come back around again #to trying to just accept myself the way i am #as a person who gets too overwhelmed with real world relationships #and thrives on parasocial and fictional interactions instead.........