#AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

CYM’s final posts

Ali: So, White Diamond, eh?

I don’t even know for how long we were assuming she was a person that existed. Probably since Peridot arrived on Earth in her hand ship for the very first time and we got to see the logo on the floor of her ship made out of blue, yellow and white triangles. 

When we finally had name dropped in the show and then we got to see her for the very first time, she truly appeared to be somebody completely alien. Seeing her for the first time in Legs From Here to Homeworld left me truly terrified. She was radiant, she was bright, she was scary, she seemed to know everything and for the life of me I could not figure out what was her deal.

But then it turned out she wasn’t all that alien and unknown at all. What she was - and probably still is to a degree, gonna get into that later on - was “just” narcissistic and extremely abusive. The archetype of “mother knows best” turned to extreme. She was convinced that she was the only person in the whole world who knows what is the right thing to do, what is the right things to think, what is the right way of living. So full of herself and so sure that she is a perfect being that doesn’t have a single flaw. And if somebody disagrees with her? If somebody has a different mind-set than her? Well, they are clearly insane! They have no idea what they are talking about! At least that’s what she though. Because to her - since she is the only one who looks at the world in the right way - anybody who cannot see things the same way she does, must be flawned and even simply stupid. 

She was also so sure of herself, that she was convinced that all her plans will always go right no matter what and sooner or later everybody will fall into the line that she envisions. From the little dialogue we got from her on the matter of Pink Diamond, it sounded like she knew - at least to some degree - what happened with Pink, that she had at least some idea of Pink turning into Rose and the whole rebellion being staged. And then when she addressed Steven - convinced she is talking to Pink - she was actually quite dismissive of those events. “Did you have fun? Did you get everything out of your system?” . Like if to her it wasn’t really all that big deal actually. Like if to her it felt like “her child” throwing a tantrum and playing some dumb game, and once they are done with that, they will crawl right back to her. I imagine that if you are this full of yourself, so deeply narcistic, when you have this big ego, it’s not hard for you to think “I just need to wait a bit, and everybody will realize I was right”.

In all honesty, people like that disgust me. I think it was pretty evident from the moment I stated that I hate her during liveblog, and honestly, that was first time in a very very long time I felt such a strong negative feeling towards anybody, either existing or fictional person. I just really could not stand her manipulating Steven in such a awful and cruel way. And the fact that she thought she was helping “her” made it all that worse. For the record, I do not hate her anymore, that feeling faded away, I am gonna get into my personal opinion on her later on in this post. 

Anyway,  still, I think she did love Pink. I think she genuinely loved her and continued to love her even after she was gone, but repressed that until Steven flashed her with love. And I think she was “better at” loving her before everything with Earth happened. I don’t really have much to go by, but I keep clinging to that line that Blue said, how all FOUR of them played together, how White took part in guessing songs sung from the bottom of the pool. And there was also that one drawing of all four of them that Steven found in Pink’s room, drawing in which White was depicted in rather positive way. 

I am not saying that before events of rebellion White wasn’t abusive and narcistic and egoistic. But I think she wasn’t as far gone as we got to see in last episodes. I think that Pink’s “shattering” messed her up just as much as it messed up Blue and Yellow, just in different way. Whetever she knew what happened from the start or not, in her eyes, in her opinion, she got to see how truly flawned gems and Pink are. And since I think she did care about Pink - just in her messed up way - she blamed herself for what happened too. She probably thought that she wasn’t enforcing her rules well enough. That the rebellion happened because she was being too soft. That she should repress all the feelings and “flaws” even harder and be even more demanding and even more unreachable and then something like rebellion will never happen again. Of course those are all the wrong conclusions. But I really think what Pink did really made her spiral into who we got to meet when Steven went to Homeworld. I think she misjudged WHY rebellion happened and totally lost the touch with reality - among other things. Obviously that doesn’t excuse things she did. 

So then this happened.

Steven went and radiated love and trust and joy all over the room she was in. Pretty much flashed her with self-love and self-respect in their most healthy and pure forms. You can hardly keep supressing your feelings when somebody gives you performance like that. 

But another thing was that she was wrong. She ripped that gem out of Steven, 100% sure Pink is going to come back and that didn’t happen. And there was no denying it. There was no way for her to deny it, no way for her to not accept what just happened. For the very first time in millennia White Diamond - somebody who saw herself as perfect, flawless being who is never wrong - was faced with an undeniable fact that she was completely fully wrong about something. That had to hurt. That had to be scary and confussing. 

That combined with Steven doing his thing must have broken all her dams, must have made all the feelings flew back to her, every single thing she was repressing, thrown back at her in that one moment. No wonder she had quite a mental breakdown at the end.

And I also think she was embrassed too. I mean, she was still trying to cling to this idea of herself she had, of being perfect and amazing, and then this little organic throws back at her her own words and accuses her of acting like a child just after she threw quite a childish tantrum. 

It all really got to her and it all really worked. And I can’t find it in myself to hate her anymore, when I would much rather give her a chance. And she is already waaaaaaaaay different! 

Faced with off-colors, she is the only one who actually attempts to greet them. You know, those gems who she would shatter without a thought just a day before this? And really, the main reason she is trying, is because Steven introduced them, asked them to say “hi” 

I have a feeling that from now on for a longer time White is going to be really impressionable and maybe even easily steered - so hopefully nobody gives her any bad ideas. I mean, she was just wrong about this whole thing with Pink Diamond! Totally, utterly wrong! That had to be scary and even - in a way - traumatic experience. And White is not a moron. If she was wrong about that, then what if she was wrong about everything else? What if she is still wrong about dozens of stuff? I would not be surprised if she is thinking along those lines. She is having a time filled with self-doubt coming for her. You can see how confused and even a bit scared she is during the montage at the end of the episode. It’s all good for her though. She is going to need a lot of help with her family now, but it’s going to be a great time for her of figuring out better outlook on the world, on people around her and on herself. 

But this is by far the most glorious moment with White Diamond. 

Remember how 2 and a half word was a record? How Yellow was mad that she never talks with her? How she pretty much zombified everybody for speaking their minds? 

JUST LOOK AT HER NOW! Blue is giving her some long monologue about something and White is listening with pure interest. She is so interested! So shocked! Blue has her full attention. IT’S AMAZING! Sure she still seems confussed and somehow scared, but that’s great! SHE IS CHAAANGING!

And honestly, it feels like White went from insane narcistic egomaniac to socialy awkard confussed lady who really loves her family, but doesn’t really know yet how to go about showing them that. 

Really, can’t we have Steven in the real world, so he can figure out a world-wide peace for us? Please? 

Honestly, that few seconds of them three sitting there and talking is one of my favourite scenes of that episode. 

I don’t think I would be far off thinking that in past Blue and Yellow always did their best to be 100% serious and professional around White, in fear that any behaviour that’s not part of “what they are for” is going to be criticized. 

And here Yellow is sitting with huge smug grin and Blue is laughing like a total dork. White looks like she has no idea what the hell is even going on, but she is clearly not negative about it! 

And this little expression. “I am willing to try your way. I want to try your way.” She is putting trust into other people, she is trusting other people to know better what to do than she does. 

The amount of change that happened is enormous and the crazy thing is that it doesn’t feel rushed. And I am sure it won’t be the end of it yet either.

She will still make mistakes. She will still mess things up. She will still say things or do things that will hurt others. But now she is willing to try. She wants to have her mind changed. 

And I am willing to give her a chance. As crazy  - and even wrong to a degree - it sounds, I already like her as a person. What she showed me after she got to Earth, was enough to change my mind about her.

I still didn’t forgive her, nor Blue or Yellow. Although, Blue and Yellow are somehow even more excused now. Seeing how terrified they were of White, how clearly abused, I am somehow more willing to forgive them all the awful things they did over the galaxy. I mean, if somebody is pulling a gun to your head and gives you a second gun and tells you to shoot somebody, how much blamed you can be for pulling the trigger? If Blue and Yellow didn’t do what White wanted them to do, eventually she would just zap them with her eye lasers and there would not be Steven and Crystal Gems in the past to help them. 

Still, some of the things that Blue and Yellow did, didn’t happen because of White. Blue clearly showed us what she thought of fusion before the ball. So, I am somehow conflicted still, and I will need to see how Blue and Yellow will proceed from now. They are gonna stay in “Loved but pending forgivness” for a bit longer.

Really, there is only one thing I can forgive all three of them right now. I can forgive them how they treated Steven. Just because he is the one forgiving them that too. And I can hardly deny him his choice. ... Althought White is getting that forgivness still a bit begrudgingly, seeing how she really went far with her manipulation and abuse. 

But god damn it, people can change! And so can the diamonds. If they want to be better, if they want to learn how to love and how to let people be who they are and how to just let go and relax, and if Steven is willing to show them and teach them and love them too, then I am definitely not upset about that. I am happy about that.  And they are clearly trying. And they are really doing great so far!

So, I don’t know how they will make up for all the planets they destroyed. For all the organic life over the cosmos that’s gone because of them. For all the gems that were shattered for fusing or being wrong. For all the gems who had to hide for being off-color. For all the suffering of the fusion experiments. For the Cluster. 

There is so much wrong they did. So much pain and suffering they inflicted. And some of those things can’t be ever fixed. You can’t bring back those who died because of them. 

But if they are willing to truly and fully change, I am more than happy to cheer them on.

#su #steven universe #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4 #CymFinalPosts

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: AAAAAAAAAH, JUST LOOK AT THEM! 

I feel like I am watching this whole show encapsulated in one moment. 

Sure there all bad times. Nothing is perfect and you can’t get through life without suffering every now and then.

But then, there is joy and happiness and self-appreciation, and love and all the warm and great feelings, and family and friends and so many great and beautiful things. 

HAPPINESS AND JOY IS RADIATING OFF MY SCREEN!

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: So I am gonna ramble some about human Steven and gem Steven. 

The rambling was inspired by me laying in my bed, trying to digest everything that happened and then one question came to my mind “So, can Steven reform?”

The episode clearly shows them as two halfes of a greater whole.

Gem Steven being the half that holds all and any abilities to act and exist. Not  only just the “magical” abilities  that being a gem gives you, but also the things that normally humans can do. Walking, talking, thinking. Without his gem, Steven was reduced to a trembling pile overtaken by one single need of reuniting with his gem. I am pretty sure both his hearing and vision was also negatively impacted, probably along with all other senses. I am  quite doubtful that Steven can exist in this separated state for a long time, as his own brain seemed to not be working optimaly anymore, which could eventually let to his organism shutting down. 

And then human Steven is what makes him human, but not on the level of what specie he is, but on the level of who he is. His emotions, his feelings, his desires, everything that makes him who he really is. His love, his hopes and dreams, his insecurities. 

But then, trying to draw a clean cut line between those two strikes me as extremely wrong.

Gem Steven isn’t just a blank gem and human Steven isn’t functional human. 

Firstly onto gem part: This is the... “mechanical” part that holds all of the functionality. It lacks emotions and humanity. But it doesn’t lack Steven. Would this be a fully empty gem, it should reform as the most basic humanoid model there is. A factory state mannequin. Or as the most possible early Pink Diamond form, the very first she was born with. One way or another, the point is that it’s not empty and devoid of any data gem as it still reformed looking like Steven. That means that whatever connection there is between Steven and his gem, it’s a connection that allows him to “store” his own “data” on it. Pink Diamond wasn’t just simply “deleted” from it, but she was replaced by Steven. So not only Steven can draw from the gem - by having acces to gem’s abilities and old memories - but it also works in the opposite direction. I would assume then that it’s possible that the gem not only posseses “data” on how Steven looks like, but also his memories or even character traits, which it simply can’t acces due to lacking the psychological component of being. 

Secondly human Steven: That part of Steven is not a human. And now, don’t get me wrong. It is human on psychological level. But it’s clearly incapable of fulfilling a lot of biological functions. I suppose we could wonder whether Steven was in the state he was because of the trauma and eventually he would get better, but I am so certain he would not. I feel sure that without his gem he would never get better. So that means that his gem is essential for him existing as living being. It seems that the gem took on the role of properly  processing - or aiding with them - functions that normally our brain does mostly automatically, like moving around, talking, higher brain fuctions. 

In the end, a little bit silly sounding conclussion here is that Steven is not a human without his gem, and his gem is not a gem without Steven. 

(Also, I went as far as wondering how much Steven’s body is altered by being born as human-gem hybrid. I toyed with the idea of some of his organs or even parts of brains being made out of light projection so when his gem was removed all that went away leaving him damaged/mortally wounded. It seemed like a bit of a stretch though. 

But then, two random things came to my mind. 

First that at some point when he was pretty much dying on the ground in CYM, I got that one very short moment when I thought to myself that he looked like if he is melting, like if he lost some kind of frame that was holding him in shape from the inside. 

Second being how when gems used destabilizer on him it kinda... uh, well, you could interpret those yellow lines going through his body not as some random yellow lines infecting him, but as the destabilizer highlighting hard light frame inside of him. Buuut that was late night thought that I am not myself much confident it. So  that’s why it’s in a bracket, I don’t believe this whole idea much myself.) 

Coming back to initial question that sparked this of whether Steven can or cannot reform, I didn’t really come to any concrete conclusion. 

Assuming that as I said he got his “body shape” stored on the gem, he could probably get his whole self stored there too and reform from that. After all gems are just as much capable of having emotions and feelings as humans. Pearl being a great prove of that. 

But by now it just would not make sense to have Steven ever die and reform as fully gem in the show. It just got even more enforced how much his human part is important in all this. A lot of symbolics and morals would become deeply  ruined would that happen, so whether it’s possible or not, I am pretty sure we will never witness it. 

#su #steven universe #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4 #CymFinalPosts

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: And so, Steven wrote a song about self-love and self-respect. 

The most important lesson, the most important grow. Something we all should always remember. To love ourselves for who we are. 

... and I am trying to write something meaningful here about Steven’s struggle. About how he went through so much to arrive at this conclusion.

But I find it so very hard when I am choking on my sobs. Because hearing this song is both hurting me and healing me at the same time.

Because I gave up finally, when I realized I can’t do it by myself, so I started seeing therapist. That ever single day when I wake up, I lay in my bed for half an hour, wondering what’s my life is going to amount to. And every time I study for university I remind myself of  how dumb and stupid I am. “What are you doing it for, Ali? It won’t change anything”. And sometimes I am so excited to liveblog something and then I spend rest of the day willing myself to start because it’s not like I have anything interesting to say, it’s all so boring after all, why would even anybody read it. 

And there is so much more little moments here and there. When I tell myself that something I did was stupid. Or that other thing is pointless. Or this is getting me nowhere. And it piles up and up and up.

And it spirals like that all the time. When I can look somebody in the eye and genuinely say “ I am happy”, just because I always make sure to forget how little love and respect I have for myself. 

But I try so hard! Every day! And when people come and say “You are funny!”, “you are kind!”, “you are wonderful!” I am begging myself so hard to just believe them. And hearing people say things like that is too both hurting me and healing me.

I so badly want to believe it. I so badly want to feel it. I want to love myself. I want to respect myself. 

Steven put in this song every single thing I wish I had. 

Well... this post kinda spiralled out of my control. 

I guess the point is that I needed to hear this. I needed to hear Steven sing this. So now I can sing it to myself whenever I need. To remember that no matter what happens to you, you can always eventually find that love and respect inside you. 

This is important to me on deeply personal level. And I am greatful to Steven for sharing this song with me. And I am glad kids are going to hear it. Everybody should hear it. SU gives us such important messages. 

And I can’t convey that without sharing with you all those negative feelings I have, so even though I am gonna feel embrassed and ashamed of myself later, I am gonna post it anyway. 

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: WHAT THE FUCK! THIS ESCALATED TOO QUICKLY! WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON!

I AM SHAKING

....

Quite a powerful voice if you can break freaking ground with it! 

THE FUCK! THE FUCK IS... HE! THIS THING! HE! NO IDEA! 

I was trying to be nicely compossed and analytical before, I was really trying. 

But then Pink Steven decided it would be nice for his almost very first words to be “She is GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE” and then freaking break the ground with the power of his voice itself. 

With a deadpan expression. Kinda. But the voice. It was INHUMAN. Like. It sounds human. But it’s inhumaly unsettling. Creepy. Scary. 

What is he thinking!? Why is it screaming!? Is he devastated by feeling Pink gone? Is he angry at White? Is he upset about her not understanding? Like, what even is he. Like... I don’t even know what this being IS. How can I figure out if he is upset if I don’t even know if he has feelings? 

This is surreal. 

Like... You know how I feel? You know how there are those movies about robots gaining sentience? So, you have a robot going about their chores and being compossed and calm and always talking in static monotone voice. But then one day they “awake”, realize they are not just a machine and they go “I AM ALIVEEEEEEEEEEE”. This is the same level of like... uncanny valley. 

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: HOW CAN  YOU BE THIS ADORABLE, HOW CAN YOU BE THIS CUTE AND SWEET!

This is breaking some laws, really.

Did I already say how much I love her in this episode? I mean, Connie is always great and every time she is in the episode, it makes it so much better.

But here she is especially great. Her dorkiness keeps shinning through at all times, whenever something crazy happens, even everybody is shocked, she is just  there with a huge grin on her face, happy to witness it and be with gems.

But more importantly, she is just so strong. All the time there for Steven. Even when things were grim, when they were locked in the cell, she didn’t lost her spirit, kept cheering him on and being positive about the situation. And not even once she was afraid to address diamonds and call them out on their shit. 

And even now, sure she cried, and that’s perfectly understandable, how else would you react to this situation? But the second Steven woke up, she did everything in her power to help him, acting fast and compossed. 

She is just amazing. She deserves all the praise and love in the world. In the galaxy even.

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: So. The second I hear Steven going “Where -- Where’s my...?” in the most weak, just so weak, so weak voice, like it was never this weak, never this broken, never this cracked, never this distressed, hurt.

The second I heart it, I smashed pause button, flared my arms while making unlegible high-pitched noises, covered my face, uncovered my face, unpaused, covered my face again, whined some more and then started crying. 

I am far too attached to the well-being of this boy. And I think we just established record we will never beat on this Tumblr. Ali crying about 5 seconds into liveblogging session.

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4 #this is so not fair #why does Jean gets to livblog episodes where #he can just analise stuff #and have fun #and all i get #is pain #and suffering #and anxiety #what did i do to deserve that #almost makes me feel like failing #where i should analyse stuff like Serious Liveblogger #but all i can do is break down

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: SHIT, DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING, OH MY GOD.

God, that shield. That’s probably default state shield. What’s actually programmed on the gem. And then Pink Diamond went and personalized it, that’s crazy. Or maybe when she summoned it for the very first time, it was already round and with the symbol on it, but it was because her personality influenced the way it was going to look. And now, this is like factory settings shield.

Oh my god, you know what? This is exactly what White Diamond wanted. A perfect gem the way she sees it. No feelings, no emotions, nothing to get in it’s way. And it’s on Steven’s side.

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: aaaaaaa, I don’t think there are any words in the human language that could make this shot any better. 

EVEN THAT ONE CLOUD ON THE LEFT IS SHOCKED!

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: WELCOME BACK, STEVEN! WELCOME BACK IN ONE PIECE! IT’S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK AND EVERYTHING THAT LET TO THIS MOMENT A SECOND AGO WAS GREAT AND WONDERFUL!

Oh my god, I need to jog, because for once I have too much happy energy. 

Can we like...

This is Steven. 

Back together.

And I’m never going to stop fighting for you.

Because I have so much love.

And every part of me is saying go help them.

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4 #okay well that doesn't go well with the music #i don't know what i am doing

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: FUCKING BANSHEE STEVEN, OH MY GOD, JUMPSCARED ME, THE HELL IS GOING ON

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: It feels so much like The End.

And I am looking at them and so much is flashing through my mind.

That time Pearl yelled “you didn’t even know her!” at Steven. And how he hugged her then and told her that he thinks he is great.

How Amethyst leashed out on Pearl over Kindergarden and Pearl realized how she was hurting her.

When Garnet wanted to bring herself and Steven closer together, but didn’t realize through how big crisis she put him by the way in which she told him about her Future Vision. 

When Pearl sung “It’s over, isn’t it?”

When Garnet sung “Stronger than you”

When Amethyst learned her “number-name” from famethyst. 

When Steven went into his room to talk to fake Rose. 

This. So much stuff happend. So many changes. So much grow. And it was such a glorious adventure. Every single feeling always counted for something and every word was important and every gesture. It all had meaning, it all taught us something and taught them something. 

They all grew in so much ways. And liveblogging SU from the start with Jean makes it just so much more visible. When I feel like characters I am watching there are somebody completely different than those four sitting here. But still the same though. 

Now, this truly feels like beginning of a new Era. One that’s not going to be ruled by fear, but by love. 

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: At some point they probably lost hope. They keept collecting those gems for years when Rose was still with them. Maybe there were times when they thought they will never heal them. And looking at all those bubbled gems in the temple was like looking at graveyard. 

And now suddently they are all here. Healed by Steven and Diamonds. What even is life.

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: Let’s be serious for a second now.

If we are not going to get a new intro with this as one of the frames, I am going to be extremely upset with SU.

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: um, White, I think something you always had to repress is showing on your face.

Oh my god, I can’t believe they flustered her. 

Well, they did more than that.

... Okay, there is no hidding it.

I AM FREAKING OUT AGAIN.

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: CONNIE IS DAMN STRONG! GO, SAVE YOUR BOYFRIEND! GET HIM BACK TO HIS OTHER HALF! 

#su #steven universe #liveblog #liveblogging #AliEp156 #AliEp156P4