#... but im just sad is all...... ive been mutuals with them for awhile now and theyre nice

[atroubledoll]

im trying to figure out the next move. because i need a bit of distance if it is this reality. which it is. i want to be happy. eventually. this year has been so intense. i can't find a comforting song either. it feels weird to feel this alone. this is only one night though. maybe tommorrow i will have a more linear plan and an idea of the upcoming. hopefully something works out. i still have dreams, i can remove myself from this area and scene. be someone else. i once was. i can work on my issues out there. and not have to be here and dwell in what was, and cope with the loneliness the way i do now. i have no idea what that would look like. it is a scary concept. im afraid to let go of all that was, but im going to.

i am a mess of a girl. not a woman. but there are some truths ive held quietly, reaffirmed from people who loved me this year. and who have known me for awhile.

im not ugly. i know it. i do know that and nothing anyone could say, would make me feel otherwise. i actually am pretty proud of my ridiculous loud, colourful, drag queeny style. im creative. it manifests in my entire being. i don't have a huge chin. lmao i don't. i am doll faced you motherfuckers lmao.

im creative. im an artist. i make things. ive always drawn. i like to create when i can. everything ever needs to be personalized. it isn't childish. i dont know how to not make everything uniquely mine. that's what i do. im not good with people. conversations. but i am a great listener. im not loud I'm too quiet. but i am a decent friend. the friends i make, i tend to really get to know. on a pretty deep level. i cherish those friendships. i love the ones i have with my family. im not a writer. but i can't stop writing. i crave understanding. it is easier to lay it all out in long, overwrought, rambling, expressive ass letters. my writing is full of hope and flinchworthy affection. i really think like that. im not very grounded. i need a layer of probability. kawaii glittery goddamn possibilities. that kind of hope for something amazing to happen over a weekend, like you are predestined for some distant, foggy just enough. an almost its alright in the world. I filter life through this lense and i get its a coping mechanism. but it is really inspiring. I'm a Lisbon girl. I am Cecilia. I am "ti jean" looking at dean moriarity. I admire and its enough to incite an inner passion. overwhelming, nonsensical, unfiltered, ravenous seeking. unabashed over romanticization. a not giving a fuck that most don't get it. i am often crash and burn but i never sought any kind of conventional societal confinement. it has lead me to ridiculous and new experiences. a no set goal destination. the goal is a feeling. and a community. im okay with not really knowing. i just need to reignite the want to discover. ravenous for new experience, books, obscure music, all of the things that inspired me when I was a teenager looking outward for something more. i can feel it. i contain a scary unbalanced, uncouth yearning that spirals me forward. i have definitely been able to reel it in easier. but its existence is essential and makes living way harder than it should be. everyone can line up for the spectacle. grab popcorn while im here. that is acceptable. i don't live in that realm though. i can't contain all of the pitiful, indecipherable too much of my thoughts. i lived in a world for so long where no one is willing to speak on it. I like letting the people i admire know. people deserve to know the good in them. i don't need to look cool. im unabashedly unfuckingcool. I am aware of most of my fatal character flaws. I can admit them I just really need to find some way to work on them and isolate my toxicity.

I guess that really makes my love empty ultimately. feelings without action. something I need to learn how to do. because we shouldn't have had to live in our sad, insanely viotale whirlwind of a relationship. we were in love though. a ridiculous, high strung, passionate affair that burned out fast in a tristessa kind of way. a seemingly unworkable, i wish. the too potent, unhealthy way two people who are outliers and have insanity as an interest would. 70s era NYC punk rock. beat poetry on amphetamines. a mistake you can later romanticize over in a sad way. i put you on a pedestal indeed. because I didn't communicate, stood silent out of my fear. the only way you felt my love was out of actions, nothing substancial or you'd have stayed. just physical touch applied carefully, intently. moon fan girl eyes , an audience. it isn't enough for an actual adult relationship. letters of admiration were bizarre. but just know you really are a transformative lover. I didn't expect you. you are a rarity, and full of indescribable depths. I don't care if my fangirling is looked down on. I meant the things I've said to you. you're a poet with something important to say, you are altruistic and your other good traits are annoying. you're a remarkable person who I will always remember. I wish you didn't spark a ridiculous, unexperienced, steady passion in me. I have been aching for awhile now. this will definitely be a painful , long undoing for me to process alone. the emptiness is a constant. if I could recall more of the hurt to the forefront I'd be easier. but I was worse. and my memories are soft and full of your precise love. the things we experienced together noone would ever know of. a shared tenderness, and an actual soul recognition that was rare. I love youi know thats not enough. but you actually know me. I can be a demon to the outer world. but at our heart I hope you remember the letters. "achin' to be" cued up for this sad girl sitting cross legged on your floor, when we felt what it was like to be so indespensible to eachother. countless other memories that proved this was once a mutual, encompassing felt rare thing. one where we were both hurt because it really meant something. I'm a naive lil asshole but i loved you at a shrine i errected in my heart devoutly until it was obvious you never visited anymore. o couldn't be more remorseful that I hurt you. you deserve so much good. thank you for your radience and unreal care. that's it.

[theweapingwonder]

Where do i start

A little back story we had met through a mutual friend of ours (no longer his friend) (yes me and her are still friends to this day) she was pissed when she found out what happened (read to find out) Yes it was a long distance relationship big mistake on my part for trusting someone like this I apologize if this story is all over the place or may not make much sense but i left a few things out that i didn't want to share Lets go back a few years to July 11th of 2016 the day that i started dating the guy i thought loved me the guy i thought i was gonna spend my life with i don't date just to date i date for maybe one day the hope of getting married....but anyway a few months went by i was in love (I fall hard and fast i can't help it) in those few months i was the happiest i have ever been i couldn't stop smiling, laughing feeling like I've never felt before skip ahead a few more months i say about 6months in i felt him pushing me away i asked what's wrong why are you pushing me away the answer was im sorry im just having a bad day...i knew that wasn't it but i didn't wanna make him mad by asking over and over so i just put it to the back of my mind after that everything was okay at least that's what i thought in my mind but i was wrong fast forward to 8months later (it would be September) this is when everything just started to crumble September 7th or 9th i can't remember which but he had gotten a phone call while he was at work that morning i had no idea what was going on i didn't hear anything from him til late that night it was on a Thursday he had lost his little sister idk what happened and to this day i still don't know what has happened (i forgot to add we had been dating a year and 2months by this point) back to the story anyway.. He was mad, sad, basically all kinds of emotions i didn't know what to do i never lost anyone close to me like he was close to her and yeah ive lost family but we weren't close i didn't know how he really felt but i know it torn him up he talked about wanting to kill himself that scared me the most i never been in a situation (idk a better a word or situation for this i appologize) i didn't know what to do i cried for weeks i talked to other people i was beyond scared i felt hopeless i couldn't sleep i was scared of going to bed and waking up to a message or a phone call saying he was gone the total amount of sleep i had gotten in over of what felt like weeks was maybe 6 hours of sleep i was a complete mess i stayed in bed all day except the occasional bathroom breaks of course, a few more weeks went by it seemed to be getting a little better i know you really never get over something like this i don't know how hard it really is i did the best i could to be there for him through all this i sent him a good morning message everyday to let him know i was there for him and how much i loved him, now skip ahead to January 9th of 2018 a year and a half later the day he broke up with me it started out normal day or what felt normal to that night he sent me a message we need to talk i hate those words but i knew what was happening i knew he was breaking up with me so many thoughts came to my head was he mad at me did i do something wrong and here came the over used speech its not you its me by this point i was in tears i didn't know what was wrong i called my friend Dixie (no its not her real name) told her what had happened i was confused she was confused it was a mess at this point she was the only one that knew so me and her talked for awhile then we hung up i cried myself to sleep Hoping this was all a dream ( i was wrong of course) i didn't want to eat, smile or be around anyone but i acted like i was happy so no one knew what was wrong, i can't remember but the next day or the day after i told my other friends i tried to keep my mind off it after i had told them i felt numb i had no more tears nothing really happened over the next few days or weeks so lets skip ahead to 5months later i found out the truth and about the lies he told me 1) he told me he didn't have Facebook ( no i didn't care either way i was just curious) but he didn't have to lie about it 2) i happened to be on Facebook when it came up under the people you may know part there it was with his new girlfriend just wait! 3) they started dating 7 months before he broke up with and no i didn't know i wish i would of known i just couldn't believe it 3) the excuse i laughed this is what he said "I didn't know if we was still together or not" THAT WAS COMPLETE BS 4) i was under the impression he told his parents and everyone about me ( i was wrong) he didn't tell anyone i had told everyone and told them how much of a great guy he was (again i was wrong and stupid by this point for believing what he had told me) 5) i also learned that he played me the whole entire relationship all because he said he felt sorry for me for being single for as long as i was when i told him from the beginning while we were just talking that i didn't care that i was single and that i would find someone one day but i guess he just took that upon himself to do that to me i also said that i hate players and people who lie 6) i didn't hold back i told him he was pathetic and a lie anything i could think of came out of my mouth i was pissed and hurt at the same time i felt really stupid i just wish i would of known before it had gotten that far i wasted a year and a half with someone who i thought loved me and cared about me.

[notallpotatoesarefrenchfries]

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

I was tagged by @yoshifics, which was a nice surprise!!!

Tagging: I won't specifically tag anyone because this one is a doozy, but I implore you to try and do it if you want to do it!!!

On to the show

the last …


1. drink: diet mountain dew ((my mom is addicted and well...the apple doesn’t fall far))

2. phone call: most phone calls are forced upon me, but the last one was my mom telling me to take another important phone call i was unwilling to pick up

3. text message: my friend Sarah

4. song you listened to: Not about Angels by Birdy

5. time you cried: uhhh. I know it was recent but I don’t know specifically what day. I really cry for no reason sometimes idk. 

6. dated someone twice: I’ve never dated, and I don’t think I'm willing to start either at this point in my life

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Never been kissed

8. been cheated on: never dated

9. lost someone special: My grandpa and friendships that never worked out.

10. been depressed: I’m not diagnosed because I don’t talk about my issues to a very extreme degree, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been depressed.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never had a drink of alcohol

favorite colors

12. Blue

13. Purple

14. Black

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yasssss! Every new friend I’ve made has been a blessing! I’m looking at you, mutuals!!!

16. fallen out of love: Never been in love 

17. laughed until you cried: yes, it is a beautiful thing to experience. 

18. found out someone was talking about you: nah

19. met someone who changed you: Again, looking at you mutuals

20. found out who your friends are: I found out that a friendship I'm in is toxic, but I’ve not yet worked up the courage to break it off yet. Other than that, nah. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: never been kissed

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: uhhhh. I don’t really get on my Facebook so I don’t know how accurate this statement is, but I’ll say yes!

23. do you have any pets: My family has a miniature dachshund. And my sister has two king charles spaniels so I count them too since she is over all the time. When I am old enough and living alone (( I don’t think I’ll have met someone/ect by this point but we’ll see where God takes me)) I want a king charles spaniel((they were breed for cuddling)) and maybe a black cat but I’ll have to think about that one since I’m allergic. 

24. do you want to change your name: I like other names but I’d never change my own. 

25. what did you do for your last birthday: My last birthday was Fathers Day so it was really just whatever he wanted to do. I’ve not really done anything for my own in awhile. Bright side is that I told my Dad I’m his biggest dad joke. 

26. what time did you wake up: 10 because I’m being lazy as much as possible before that turns into 5 for swimming.

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: well I was talking with my friend, pattonpending. If the deer thing had happened to thomas I was off making puns on his twitter posts. 

28. name something you can’t wait for: Is it sad that I can’t think of something. Maybe going back to school so I can see my non-pocket buddies. 

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: Today

31. what are you listening to right now: Somebody That I Used to Know cover by Christina Grimmie

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes. My ((evil)) high school swim coach was named Tom and some guy at my campus is named Tom and although I’ve talked to him, its really just saying hi to him. At my campus, everyone greets everyone. Its a very social atmosphere which is good for when Ive got a full introvert battery and want to talk. 

33. something that is getting on your nerves: Myself 24/7. I really need to treat myself with more kindness.

34. most visited website: I don’t think there is ONE website I visit the most. It really depends on the day.

35. hair colour: Dark Brown ((It has red in it but you can’t see it))

36. long or short hair: Long. I’ve not had a haircut in awhile.

37. do you have a crush on someone: does a friendship one count? Like I really value our friendship/ want to be your friend. I don’t have any romantic ones and don’t think I ever have

38. what do you like about yourself: well I can draw, and people say my mannerisms are cute, Im tall(6 ft), I have a gold ring around the middle of my eye, and I give good hugs :)

39. piercings: none at all

40. blood type: no idea

41. nickname: Tator tot, Tay, Tay-Tay

42. relationship status: single wondering if I really want to mingle or if I just want cuddles.

43. zodiac: Gemini

44. pronouns: She/Her 

45. favourite tv show: So many ugh. I’ll give a few: Merlin, Doctor Who, Hetalia, Star Trek ((DS9 is my fav)), Teen Wolf, Supernatural, and Parks and Rec

46. tattoos: Im too indecisive to choose, but no. 

47. right or left handed: Right-handed.

48. surgery: nope

49. piercing: none

50. sport: I’m a swimmer and I swim the mile((1650 yards)). It takes around 20 minutes to finish it. 

51. vacation: I went to Germany and Poland in May. It wasn’t to visit happy locations, but I really wanted to visit Germany in any way. I took German years ago, and love the culture. I am sad to say I’ve lost a lot of it which is why I follow some German blogs on here.

52. pair of trainers: ((Tennis shoes?)) Yes. The sport of swimming doesn’t let you get away with one type of training. We do land training ((we call it dryland)). So, I have a pair for that

more general

53. eating: Nothing yet today. Pasta is my fav food.

54. drinking: usually diet dew. During the school year coffee is a sunday thing and I drink lemonade instead of soda. 

55. i’m about to: Eat.

56. waiting for: nothing atm

57. want: Uhmm. I want to be hugged by someone taller and stronger. I was so touch starved going into college I actually prayed to Jesus to give me someone who will give lots of hugs ((thats a little sad looking back)). I just wanted the kind of hugs that dean would give cas or the one hug merlin got when he was found coming out of a bog. I found someone who gives hugs, but not the hug where you feel protected and engulfed in. Im usually the one giving that.

58. get married: My idea of any sort of romance is like the New Girl situation where you have someone who totally understands you and all your quirks but still loves you. Not really looking for anything sexual, just cuddly. 

59. career: looking to be an art teacher.

60. hugs or kisses: Hugs!! Idk anything about giving/ receiving kisses sooo...

61. lips or eyes: uh....

62. shorter or taller: I don't mind either (( are we talking about friends or...?))

63. older or younger. I dont mind either

64. nice arms or nice stomach: People usually use me as the shoulder stomach thing so idk. I really do want to be in the other role at some point. 

65. hook up or relationship: Relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant. Last time someone asked me out I panicked so hard I cried. 

67. kissed a stranger: Nope.

68. drank hard liquor: never

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: yes. When you lose a contact lense, they go off into the void to be lost forever.

70. turned someone down: yes ((see 66))

71. sex on the first date: Never had sex and never dated

72. broken someone’s heart: Not that I know of

73. had your heart broken: nah

74. been arrested: Listen buddy if I am like that spongebob moment where he’s crying and saying I'm a good noodle. So getting arrested is hardcore not something I plan on doing.

75. cried when someone died: yes

76. fallen for a friend: nope

do you believe in …

77. yourself: no but I am trying to work on that

78. miracles: yes

79. love at first sight: yes

80. santa claus: nope

81. kiss on the first date: idk

82. angels: yes

other

83. current best friend’s name: I can’t choose. 

84. eye colour: Blue/green ((it varies)) with a gold ring around the middle

85. favourite movie: I can’t choose. I have such a soft spot for Rise of the Gaurdians though. 

Thanks for tagging me @yoshifics! This was long and hopefully I overshared something about myself to the internet! Be kind to yourselves!!!

#me #tagged

[chickenfetus]

softly whispers all for the flower ask

baby’s breath: 5 things you associate yourself with

chickens/eggs

lance lol

cereal….. everyone in class is stealing my trademark…

water

memes

bleeding heart: what makes you heart go mushy?

fuck,,, my fav characters?? and if i like someone then them i guess? but rn my heart belongs to 2d

bell flower: what’s the title of the song that makes you want to jump around out of joy?

mm it changes?? right now its either this cover (its in japanese) or this song (english but its a tad bit scream-y)

evening primrose: what’s your sleeping playlist (give me 5 songs)?

its all soundtracks from anime lmao,, 

from kimi no na wa’s soundtrack we have this, this and this 

from free!’s ost we have this song that killed every mh shipper lol 

and lastly, not from an anime ost, its shelter 

none of these actually help me fall asleep but i like them,, hell i dont think theres any song that can help me fall asleep

forget-me-not: who is your favorite blog who isn’t following you?

miyu//keis does this ensure it doesnt show up i hope it does i recently followed them while lurking in the mi//sawa tag lol theyre a good graphic person??? idk what theyre called;;

daffodil: what is one plant that you want to have but can never get?

the succulent things but i wouldnt be able to care for it bc i succ (perfect match)

calla lily: are you more of a sunny day or a rainy evening?

im a sunny day and rainy evening person… ok maybe sunny day if im not directly under the sun because i do enjoy the sun’s warmth rainy days are nice too,, only if im indoors.. rainy evening is perfect,, as long as no bugs can get it im safe and secure and chill

foxglove: what is your favorite color and in what shade?

blue!!!!! is sky blue a shade

lavender: what is something that you’ve always wanted to be/have/get but can never have?

a cat…..

love in a mist: what is the latest dream that you remember?

ok ive had dreams every night this week but now i cant re oh wait i do remember last night’s dream but only the lame part,, ok so i dreamt i had a 4* hina on bang dream..,,, i dreamt of another thing but i forgot :-( the 4* was indeed a dream though sad i havent gotten a single 4* yet lmao my luck is awesome oh but i did get a 5* and two 4*s on enstars so thats cool

daisy: what is your favorite flavor of cotton candy, ice cream, and juice?

cotton candy,, has flavours????? 

cookies and cream!!

i like water juice

painter’s palette: are you more of a singer, dancer, painter, or instrumentalist?

none??? i guess i paint when i have to although i rly wanna paint but im just a lazy fool

tulip: what is your most favorite make-up product? do you like it more natural, dark, or etc?

i dont use make up i am a youngin also what does the second question say i dont understand

waxflower: are you a bee or a butterfly person? a dog or a cat person?

neither lmao i have a fear of butterflies and bees… bees fear me i fear bees its mutual fear i like cats better but i like dogs too

sugarbush: do you have sweet tooth? if yes, what’s your favorite sweets? if no, why?

yes,,, i was gonna ask if it was even possible to have a favourite but then i remembered i do actually one although its more of a jellybean thing its poifull!!

sunflower: would you like to be a fairy or a mermaid?

mermaid bc i wanna live in the water

sweet pea: what would you like to call your significant other?

ok i just finished acca so naturally i still think abt it and jean called nino his ‘partner in crime’ so nnow i want one (a partner in crime i mean not a nino but thatd b cool 2)

sea lavender: can you swim? which strokes can you do?

yes i havent been in a pool in like 3 years oh boy,, breaststroke is the easiest lmao i forgot how to do any of the others

windflower: list 5 of your favorite blogs and explain why you like them

softshouyous, well i followed her bc she talks in her tags so thats one thing,, shes also super nice?? and helpful!!! a good friend and mutual!!!! im also comfy enough with her to like,, be sarcastic and we can shame each other freely.. without worrying abt offending one another,, theres also the fact that she understands me (ok this may b what i like 2 think and falen actually doesnt get me but its COOL) idk man i just love her,,, my bud whens our one year friendsivary i gotta search that up :0

(i almsot forgot to do the rest go me anyway) next is,, youhavebeentraceyd bc shes one of my first mutuals (sorry to the one who was actually my first) who i actually talked to!!! we both watch daiya and i didnt rly follow anyone who liked daiya previously and oh!! we had the same notps LOL i love tracey’s art and hell i think she dragged me to mochi hell kudos to u tracey idk i jsut enjoy her presence on my dash and get v excited to see her art on there we may not talk as much anymore but i still appreciate her a lot!!! bless u tracey and thank you!!! (for being alive i wish u all the best in life)

alpacarara i like her bc shes basically my tumble mum,, the mum i actually talk to and ask for help/advice she gives good advice too and shes v approachable,,,,,,, a v good friend,,,,,, u r appreciated by me,,,, yes........... shizu chan also appreciates ur existence momther,,,, thakn u 4 all youve done 2 helpme a good pal.... bless u,

clearly these r  getting hard bc my mind is goddamn empty rn but ill manage,, kacchan whose url is not spelt like that but thats ook bc one day it will be but now im starting to think i shouldnt leave it as that bc someones bound to stumble upon this extra post in the kacchan tag goddammit,, annYWay i like kacchan bc theyre friendly! and also v relatable,,,, theyre also kinda scary but thats ok bc its the good kind of scary idk man kacchan is just, great?? we dont talk but thats cool bc ik we’re still friends even if we dont have full blown convos!!!! id b 2 nervous 2 talk 2 them not bc theyre bad or anythign im just a ??? a bad conversationalist and also v lazy ok  thats besides the point i like kacchan bc kacchan is kacchan so??? theyre a good friend and we tag each other in things and i like that friendship its a good type of friendship,,, idkdkdk?? theyre just. chill not literally chill but just chill. this doesnt make sense anymre gomenasorry

lAST ONE uh hhhh every one of my mutual’s blogs why i like all of them?? bc theyre not problematic!! they post good content trademark and r lovely even if we dont talk much!!! i love everyone period

golden rod: are you more of a baker or a cook?

i am more of a Disaster in the kithcen

bloom: what is something that you would like to tell your children?

u guys shld b surprised yall even exist (if i am the True Parent)

if not,, then itd b u guys r with me and my partner in crime,, who is actually a real person,,,,,, be shocked idk im just trying t o make it clear that in the event i do get married id surprise myself bc me/?? have a good and lasting relationship????? impsossible 

peony: what is something that you wish your parents could’ve told you?

they shouldve told me to stick with cereal

prairie gentian: do you have a significant other?

doe s lance count

september flower: are you more of a sunshine or sunset person?

was this supposed 2 say sunrise,,,, anyway sunrise i guess bc im a morning person (when i WILLINGLy wake up by myself) on hot ass days sunset bc then i wont b sweating 24/7

bird of paradise: do you wake up early? do you sleep early?

yEAH LOL i wake up early on weekends bc i want to and i have to wake up early on weekdays so,,, i prefer not to sleep later than 12am bc i am Fear and in the event that i do sleep later than 12 its bc im talkin 2 a friend i like a lot

marigold: what’s your favorite tea?

water tea english breakfast,, havent had that in awhile tho

peruvian lily: what are the names of your pets?

i have non

hyacinth: do you name your plants?

i have nnone but i dont even nickname my pkmn so 

lilac: would you rather sleep and be cozy or hang out with your friends?

depends? on the tme??? if its late at night id rather b asleep and cozy if its in the day then maybe.. .. .

poppy: do you like to dip your fries or do you like it as is?

i like all of my food plain and dry (cereal) unless its noodles,, i need my noodles iin soup

dandelion: any special talent that you have?

drinking water

#softshouyous #asks #this got long #tHANK U FOR ASKING i did it!!!! #its been so long #since i properly answered one of ur asks memes #feels good