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shadowjtrev · 3 months

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My hair, ever since I was young, has always been a part of me and who I am. I always believed it carried stories, wisdom, experience, memories, and most of all, trauma.. all the bad things that just root themselves in your mind.

in times of big change I have always cut it, many believed that doing so was a big tragedy, that's to say someone losing their hair was to lose themselves. but I never believed that. I always believed that doing so allowed one to move past their pain, worries, trauma, etc. it was a way of being free while taking all the good you have learned and experienced and letting go of the bad to be able to move forward..

and thats what I wanted to do.. truthfully, these past 3 to 4 years of my life have been the most beautiful yet the most tragic, I have gone through so much, lost so much, driven myself to the darkest parts and moments of my life .. yet everything I've learned and went through also made me the man I am today, it allowed me to grow, it allowed me to solidify my soul and who I am as a person.

I'd be lying if I said this all wasn't about someone.. truth be told it is.. I'll always hate the way things ended between me and her, and I'll always wish to go back and just change so much.. but i need to stop thinking that way, I need to focus on myself and look towards the future, because I can write my stories and my truth, and I can think back on everything and where it all went wrong, I can do all that I can but none of it matters if she isn't here, it wouldnt be safe for me to do so..

now, this isn't a means of letting go of her, or forgetting about her, not that in the slightest.. I'm just allowing myself to move forward, allowing myself to forgive all the bad that has happened and just take and remember all the good, to be able to find my own happiness wether it be with myself or in someone else.

because let me tell you.. despite our tragedy, despite all the lies, despite how she broke me and everything in between.. she still remains the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life, the most sublime woman I ever had the pleasure of knowing.. I am greatful to have just been in her presence, I am honored to have loved her but to have also been loved by her, she was amazing, funny, smart, quirky, I loved every aspect of her, every phase of her moon, I truly adored her in her entirety, I loved her body and soul..

and thats what I want moving forward, to just remember the good, to remember how she loved me, how she cared for me, how she listened to me, how despite everything she still did her best for me no matter what, I know that I was far from perfect during our relationship and I'll always own up to my failings but despite all of that she still loved me and I know I'll never find another like her in this life and as sad as that makes me, I can't help but be thankful that I got to experience everything that she is.

I'll always remember her, I'll always love and care for her, she will always be the girl that did a photoshoot with the cookies I made her valentines day, she'll always be the girl who wrote "I 🖤 shadow" during work on paper front and back, she'll always be the girl who just took a chance on me, who loved me for who I was and accepted me.. she'll always be that girl that gave me a stuffed animal because she thought of me at the zoo, the stuffed animal that still lays beside me every night, she'll always be the girl that found a dice at a garage sale and held on to it for me because she knew I loved collecting them and using them for my games.. every little thing she made for me or got for me, I'll always hold close to me..

if I could tell her one last thing, it would just be thank you for loving me, for being the only woman to have ever loved me and simply got to know me and who I was.. I'll always be thankful

and I hope she knows that I intend to keep every promise I made to her, I'll always be there and she can always count on me..I really hope to find her in these next chapters of my life..

I'll always find her in everything I do, to me, me and her will always be two souls traveling and dancing around eachother amongst the stars until we find our way back to solid ground.. and everytime I gaze at the moon and stars, she'll always be the first thing I think about..

and if she comes back to these words, I hope she knows I'll never stop writing, I say that in the sense of I'll always write about my life, how I'm doing, where I am, etc. it'll all be there for her to read like a book.

I can only hope she doesn't forget about me, and jokingly, I hope she doesn't forget about Marty either.

#she #personal #Spotify

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fictionfromafar · 3 years

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The Silence Of The White City by Eva García Sáenz

The Silence Of The White City by Eva García Sáenz, translated by Nick Caistor, Vintage Crime / Black Lizard 2020

In August 2020 I spotted a review for this novel by "Rough Justice" in Crime Fiction Lover which had been shared onto the Crime Fiction In Translation Facebook group. I'd promised myself I would buy the book as soon as I saw it on sale in a local bookshop. The plot seemed of interest and set in the Basque County it was a new location for me. Seeing a Netflix recommendation for a film of the same name further generated my intrigue and having failed to find the book locally, I ensured it was top of my Christmas list.

Three days after unwrapping it I have read from start to end and since then watched the movie on Netflix! Please don't be tempted to rush to watch the movie though until after you have read the book. Reasons for this are given in my final paragraph.

It may be late December but this is one of my favourite novels of the year and it is precisely one superb example of why I enjoy international crime fiction so much. Not only have I enjoyed a thrilling and unpredictable crime novel with a compelling back story and credible lead character, but I have also been given a fantastic insight into the history, geography, culture, and food of the Álava province of Spain.

Eva García Sáenz de Urturi is a very successful author in her native Spain and her novels are also very popular in Latin America. The Silence Of The White City is set in the historic city of Vitoria-Gasteiz and is the first of the White City triology featuring Unai López de Ayala, known as Kraken. The translation by Nick Caistor, a past winner of the Valle-Inclán Prize for translation who has translated novels by the likes of Juan Marsé, Eduardo Mendoza, Manuel Vázquez Montalbán and Roberto Arlt is flawless. The Basque flavour is retained with use of a few words such as Cuadrilla which refers to a group of friends, the names of festivals and some appetising dishes. Just the kind of things I like to Google between chapters!

Inspired to join the police force after Vitoria is terrorised by a series of ritualistic murders twenty years earlier, Kraken is charged with investigating a new set of double murders using almost exactly the same modus operandi. A famous archeologist Tasio Ortiz de Zarate was convicted of the original murders after being arrested by his twin brother Ignacio, who was at the time a police inspector. Given the former is still incarcerated, Kraken and his colleague Estíbaliz have to discover if these are copy-cat killings or if the wrong man was convicted.

The investigation swings through a range of suspects and motives, while we read about the old town of Vitoria-Gasteiz, the regular festivals that see the killer strike, the surrounding countryside including many abandoned villages. Mystery surrounds the relationship between the Ortiz de Zarate twins and gradually we learn secrets that have never previously been revealed.

The story has a very contemporary feel where mysterious messages are left on Twitter for Kraken apparently by the imprisoned Tasio leading to concerns that he is being unduly mislead by a convicted murderer. Competing media outlets increase the pressure on the police investigation, particularly upon the new deputy Superintendent; while the unknown perpetrator is able to keep one step ahead. In a parallel story we also have a historical glimpse into high society with the interaction between the rich bride to be of a successful industrialist and her doctor from a humble background. Gradually we learn the significance of this with a startling revelation.

This is just the kind of rich novel that I enjoy, with surprises and twists that keep you turning the pages. Kraken is an appealing main pratagonist with a tragic recent history, while there is scope for more focus on Estíbaliz in subsequent stories.

I believe this novel has perhaps not received the attention it merits in the UK, it may have suffered from not getting the correct distribution channels to appear wider in British retail book stores (prices on the rear appear only in US and Canadian currency) and has missed the benefit of a good publicist. This is strange as Vintage Crime /Black Lizard have successfully promoted Henning Mankel, Jo Nesbø et al. Rest assured I've discovered many great authors this year and Eva García Sáenz is certainly up with the best of them. "The Water Rituals" , the second book in the Inspector Unai Lopez de Ayala series comes out at the end of March 2021. I'd urge you to read "The Silence Of The White City" as soon as possible get up to speed before then.

Just a final word, while the book is a whodunnit, this is not the case for the movie shown on Netflix which is more of a "hedunnit". Therefore I would strongly urge you to read the novel before watching the film which reveals so much from outset and misses lots of the charm of the book. It also features an implausible chase over the Cathedral roof which does not occur in the novel. While it is worth watching afterwards, a series would have better captured the detail, feel and cultural nuances of the novel.

#crimeintranslation #crime fiction #spanish literature

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