#(like sh-ing and showing him after as a guilt trip thing)

[reginaofdoctorwho]

trying very very hard to not want to break up with my boyfriend

#i love him so much #and i know he loves me #but my anxiety or depression or both or whatever it is is fucking me up again #and i don't want it to fuck him up too #i can't talk about it with him because yeah he already knows i have problems with it #and he's told me before to tell him if it starts getting bad again #but also his ex would do that shit to guilt him into not breaking up w her #(like sh-ing and showing him after as a guilt trip thing) #and his grandpa shot himself and he was really fucked up by it #and like i don't think i'm gonna do THAT #but i don't want to bring those memories up for him #i just feel like shit all the time my eating and sleeping is getting affected i'm getting migraines more #i failed out of my college program by 10 points on the final (or 4 on final and 1 on every other test) #i just feel like shit #i already had to fucking ask him to keep a bag of shit i could sh with so that i couldn't get to it #which is gonna be a fucking trip trying to get back #and YES i will eventually need to get it back since half that shit were gifts #and if i break up with him i'll need to get it back before then #like my fucking emotions are getting fucked too #he got covid a couple weeks ago and we had to miss a concert i was looking forward to since september #which is fine he's fine everyone is fine #but i was close to fucking crying and my mom made me go out with her and my brother since she needs help with him sometimes #so i had to fucking numb #which i'd been trying not to do #and today he mentioned that he was hanging out with his friends NYE #he forgot we had plans for NYE to be together #kiss at midnight all that shit #and he was like 'i'm so sorry i thought you were busy i forgot we made plans i can still hang out with you' #but mentioned how he'd have to pick me up and then drive home super late after #zel starts to dwell