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#(ive never self harmed i know i won't that's why it's just a fantasy)
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10 months
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#i have a light feeling that my mom might be hinting at something
#with the whole. mentioning my mood swings and sensory issues and poor social skills and such
#i say i'm unsure because she's not one to be subtle in situations like this? so i feel like i'm projecting
#but she did suggest (partially related) going to a psychologist
#and the thing about me is that i'm very self aware about my many flaws and therefore have decided
#that i can't fix them or that it's not that bad as long as *i know* the issue is there
#which is starting to sound like an issue in itself? but i feel like im being way too dramatic every time
#i know i'm just in a stressful spot in my life and that it will pass in a few months
#but i am starting to seriously consider getting an outsider's perspective. just in case
#im feeling down *all* the time lately but there's always a reason to blame so i feel like it's just rotten luck and not something within me
#there's not enough time but also too much of it for me to make excuses for not being able to do Anything at all and i feel paralyzed
#but isn't it just the everyday terror of being in charge of yourself
#i wish i could come up with a definite answer but there isn't one and the childish part of me is so frustrated with it
#i have a fantasy of violently breaking my arms that doesn't lead anywhere i just feel the urge consistently enough that it's a pattern
#(ive never self harmed i know i won't that's why it's just a fantasy)
#i crave complete anonymity i crave deep genuine human connection and i don't want to talk to anyone. ever again.
#ive talked with at least three different people partially about those thoughts
#but talking about it is difficult and like pulling teeth
#im clumsy with my words. can't quite find the precise meaning i want. i stutter and hum and mumble
#i hate talking but if i don't i will explode
#i want to be taken seriously but saying things outloud makes them sound so harsh and i don't know if it is that serious
#but it's a pebble of thought that i can't stop turning around in my head over and over and over until im sick
#never! ending! story! jesus christ
#vent post
#← tagging just in case
#pretend you've never read it
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