#'you should be miserable while you sit safe in your home--' i am actually ive been picturing stabbing myself so hard im going to throw up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

onkey-bedtime-stories · 6 years

Text

EUNOIA - chapter 2

Chapter 1

----------------

“I met Donghae yesterday.”

That’s how Taemin greets his sister on a random phone call one afternoon. As hard as she tried to be chill about it, Eunsook cannot help but shake in panic, intrigued by his words. She ran to the closest bench she could find and put her camera safely on her laps.

“You know that we’re adults, right? We don’t need to inform each other anymore like when we were kids and used to match our scenario to lie to Mom and Dad.”

The tremble on her lips seemed readable from the other line, making Taemin snickers on his bed.

“And since we’re adults it means now we lie to each other instead to our parents? Wow. Just wow, Lee Eunsook.”

“As I remember you were the one who banned me for weeping around on anyone whom acquaintance with him. Am I right?”

“You are. You’re always right beside this particular choice on men.”

“So?”

“I just let you know that yesterday I met Donghae.”

“Just let me know? You think I didn’t know how sneaky you are telling me stuff just because you are childishly curious on how I would react? Well, try harder, baby boy.”

“My smart lady. I always knew you went to Milan not for nothing.”

“Ha. So funny.”

“Do you want me to tell you what happened or I need to wait for another year until you gather up your guts to ask me how it went?”

“Actually, I don’t really care. That wouldn’t change anything, would that?”

“It depends, though.”

“On what? On how I handle stuff? On how bad my mood right now? Or maybe, just maybe, on how bad I weep last night?”

So she still cried miserably at night?

Taemin sighed and Eunsook regrets raising her tones, unveiled her unstable mind unconsciously. However, she didn’t lie when she said she doesn’t really care since she would still be broken hearted and desperately wants to turn back time hoping she could fix any mistake they did during their relationship. Or more like what mistake she did.

“Donghae asked how you are doing.”

“You can tell him that I’m fine, having a really nice summer escapades and eating lots of good food. Really, I think I will gain at least five pounds by the end of the trip.”

“Unless it’s not really Donghae who asked.”

“I know.”

“No you don’t.”

Eunsook scribbled on the ground with her shoes, making random pattern on it, “Yes I do, Tae. Because he texted me two days ago and I kept writing and deleting my rant until this morning on how I’m doing now after he decided not to be in the same page with me anymore. Believe me I know, because this is the first time I didn’t reply on him right away after I saw his name appeared on my screen.”

Taemin doesn’t say anything and just listened to the sound of the wind, trying to not make everything more complicated for his sister.

“Maybe he overestimated me.. thinking that I would be just alright after everything. Having a blast in Netherlands, enjoying summer, going shopping and meeting my best friend after a long time. You know I always this ‘his strong woman’ or.. or ‘his only iron lady’ you know.. So this trip, couldn’t it be better than that?”

“Don’t resent anyone. You’re the one who said to me that this is the best way for both of you to be happier.”

“I told you maybe.”

“Anyway, I said that you’re fine. A little tired and overwhelmed but you’re good now.”

“Should I thank you for giving the wise back up and being the best brother in the world?”

“Not really. Because I told Donghae as well how you’re calling me every day at 3 AM mopping around threatening people you’d kill yourself if tomorrow you’re wake up and everything is not only in your dream.”

“You should have added the part I didn’t eat anything for a week and ran into the emergency room when my coworker found me passed out at the toilet.”

“Ah, if only you did a proper briefing before.”

She’s really grateful for the fact that she might really have the best brother in the world. Taemin never fail making her laughed. Though he had this ice prince exterior, his heart is the warmest, far from all the cold and mischievous image people around him familiar with.

“Now that I told you what to do, can you fix that when you met him again?”

“Let see. I got studio schedule again tomorrow and he will be the producer assistant the whole week. Yeah sure, I will tell him everything until the IV shot part.”

“Good boy.”

“I know I am.”

“And stop texting or calling Minho behind my back. It’s embarrassing.”

Now it’s Taemin turn to burst into laughter. It’s still stuck in his head how he decided to call Minho instead of his wife because Taemin couldn’t stand the idea of being yelled or interrogated by Junghee. That girl can speak two hours nonstop without giving break the other person.

“I’ll go to sleep now, it’s almost midnight here. Be good, sister.”

“Don’t wet the bed.”

“I’ve had my diaper on, no need to worry. I love you!”

“I love you, too!”

The second she put the phone down, Eunsook feels lonely again. Actually, she prefers having endless argument with anyone rather than swimming in her own thoughts. Inevitably, she checked the phone again. Rereading the text Jungsoo sent two days ago.

‘Good morning, sunshine! How’s the vacation?’

Ah, sunshine. It was nice to be sunshine for someone, a thought cross Eunsook’s mind. It was. She was sunshine. Night star. Moonlight. Making her questioning herself, is it not enough being her for he needed her to be something else? Was she not beautiful enough for he had the urge to always comparing her to something else?

“Eunsook?”

She lifted her head up and found a face she expected the least.

“Kibum?”

The latter smiles and tell the other guys walking with him to leave first. He then casually sits next to Eunsook, looks like a supermodel he is, swiping his hair back. When he looked to his left, Eunsook almost stoned, left him chuckles nervously again, a habit he developed whenever Eunsook’s around him.

“What are you doing here? Don’t tell me you joined this group tour with the guy poking his umbrella to the sky!”

She squinted her tiny eyes, which in Kibum’s mind was too cute to handle.

“Oh, I was walking around doing some sketches taking photos and then my brother called so I gotta sit here and listen to him ranting about unimportant stuff.”

“You like taking photos?” Kibum almost jumped from his seat when he turned to face Eunsook completely.

“Just for fun. I love looking back to all the pictures I took while traveling. Give me lots of nice nostalgic feeling and of course a smooth slap on my head to work harder earning more money for the next trip.”

He cracks to her words, “That is actually hella true. May I see the camera?”

“Of course, Mr. Photographer.”

She smiles so bright while handing the camera, Kibum flustered involuntarily turned his ears all crimson red, “You always use 35mm film?”

He lifted the analog camera a bit.

“Mostly. Or Polaroid. One time I had the 120mm camera but nowadays it’s so hard to find the film.”

“Oh, you have no idea. It’s also freaking hard to find a place that can develop it. Tried to do it by myself, but I ruined it. There it goes all my memory in Hongkong. Gone in flash.”

Kibum cursed himself for convincing himself that Eunsook is the only girl in the world that makes a frown look that beautiful and amazing on a face. Before he embarrassed himself, he checked the camera again in his hand.

“By the way, this is nice camera. My friend had another type from the same brand. Where did you get this?”

“Actually, I bought it accidentally. It was from Porto. We were lost when tried to go back to the hostel and we found this street while wandering around with my friends.”

“Porto? As in Portugal?” she nods, “AH! I know that place! They sell cheap black and white films!”

“You really are a photographer, aren’t you?”

She cannot help but teasing when Kibum got so excited just on the thought of knowing the place she found the treasure. At this rate, not only his ears that rushed by blood.

“Only when I need money to pay my rent.”

“Hahaha!” she slapped his forearm lightly, he flinched silently, “And what brings you here?”

“We just finished a session with local teens. They’re quite having this too-cool-for-school attitude but fashion spread’s always interesting, isn’t it, Miss Designer?”

Eunsook secretly took out her imaginary good-deeds-book. Wits and jokes, checked.

“Anyhow, what are you doing after this?”

“Hmmm, nothing.”

“Fancy grabbing some sweets?”

“What kind of sweet?”

The way her eyes almost popped out her skull brighten Kibum’s day faster than when he received the first print of his magazine, “Pancake, waffle, crepe, anything you prefer as long as it can help with my sugar level.”

“Pancake sounds good.”

“Pancake it is! Let’s go!”

Kibum made a mistake almost embraced her by the shoulder then quietly pretending to push her to walk faster before the circumstance became more awkward.

Her phone beeps once again, she shook her head when she caught a text message arrived on the screen.

‘Eunsook, are you alright? Seems like the vacation is really great, am I right?’

This time she didn’t wait anymore.

‘Indeed, it’s the best summer escapade! I’m okay, by the way.’

***

“I told you not to touch her!”

Kibum massaged the back of his neck for the ten times, too tired for this silly confrontation.

“So, you said it’d better if I just left her alone there at the café while it was drenched outside instead of offering her a ride?”

“I’m tired of your excuse, you sweet mouth! You should hadn’t dragged her to the café at the first place!”

“I’m the one who tired of your accusation! For God’s sake, Kim Junghee! I was just being nice! We lived under the same roof and I’m not allowed to cheer up someone I know who looked upset?”

“Not with such an agenda behind!”

“What kind of agenda are you talking about?!”

“Oh, don’t you dare testing me!” Kibum’s jaw dropped a few centimeter, disbelief with the whole sentence he just heard, “If you’re just being nice, you take her home right away after both of you finished your afternoon snack!”

“That’s the plan! But she said she needs more films for her camera! Am I wrong if I offered to accompany her looking for some?”

“Ha! You just saw your chance to slide in! What a little sneaky head!”

Kibum restrained himself not to raise his voice, he just didn’t want Minho finished his shower and found his best friend yelling to his wife.

“Look. It was raining. I offered her a ride to go back. She asked if I knew a place to buy films! I drove her there and it was still freaking rain. I got called by the people at work on the way. I said I’d get drop her off first at home before I headed to the studio. She said she could grab a taxi. Since I considered it’s not polite to let her do that, I asked her to come with me. That’s it!”

Junghee stomped on the kitchen floor so hard, “You could just drive her first!!!! You have no idea how stressful I was when I couldn’t contact her?!?!”

“Who knows her phone was dead?! She didn’t say anything to me! Had I know I would give her my phone to call or text you! At any rate, if she did find it necessary, she would ask me to make that damned call!”

“Stop it right there, it’s not Eunsook’s fault!”

“Neither mine!” he rolled his tongue inside his mouth trying to control himself, “I know she’s your best friend, Junghee, but she’s not a kid! She’s a grown up and let her be one!”

“Don’t talk like you know her!”

His fist getting harder on his side, “I didn’t. Look. I know you care about her. A lot. I understand. I’m aware that she’s somehow became more vulnerable after everything happened, but you shouldn’t treat her like this! She took the flight here to heal herself if you kept hogging her, when will she be able to heal?”

Kibum got his point but Junghee is too busy protecting her friend she doesn’t even try to swallow all the words from him.

“I don’t need you lecturing me how I treat my friend! Just.. just keep your hand away from her!”

“What if I refuse?”

“What did you just said?!”

Kibum hesitated to say something more, so he just stood there, lips sealed together, his eyes drilling a hole through the air. Junghee flustered and doesn’t know what to do, she expected him to give some counter attack harsher than before. Not a serious answer like that.

“Listen, leave her alone or I would never speak to you again!”

She left him standing by the island counter and paced to her room upstairs. When she passed Eunsook who just went back inside the house after called her partner in Milan at the porch, she purposely darted her eyes away. The latter confused but knowing that her best friend has such a temper, she decided to let it go.

A small smile formed on her face when she saw Kibum’s by the kitchen.

“Is everything alright?” Kibum turned his head and just shrugged, “Kibum?”

Eunsook sensed something’s wrong by the flat expression on his face.

“Nothing.”

She’s the least person he wanted to encounter at the second, he tried to avoid her but the look she gave him just made everything more uncomfortable.

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty much.”

“Hmm.. I don’t think so.”

“No, really.”

“Come on, you can talk about it.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“Eunsook, I’m okay. Let’s just shake it off, I’m tired.”

He told her the truth, actually. Kibum’s just exhausted and he needs his time to compose himself after the heated conversation with Junghee.

“What’s wrong with you? Is Junghee okay?”

“Why don’t you just ask your best friend, huh? She’s the one who started! Why should I am the one who feel guilty here?!”

It seems like that was his final giveaway. His pitched showed up, startling Eunsook a little bit. The stern look he put is not making it easier for her. Inside, Kibum wants to kick himself on the shin for being such an asshole just now, helpless under the invisible spell Eunsook sent him.

And feels guilty he is, indeed. She had nothing to do and he just exploded ridiculously in front of her. So he dropped the glass he hold to the sink recklessly, the loud clank on its metal surface dropped a frown on Eunsook’s face, and just went to his room, leaving strange stagnant on the air for her.

Confused and a little disappointed, Eunsook just swallowed back all the sentences she prepared to thank him for the nice afternoon they shared.

***

Thirty minutes passed with Kibum paced back and forth behind his closed door. Sometimes he sat at the edge of his bed, tapped his foot on the floor restlessly, and stood up again, repeating the monotonous anxiety attack.

Seriously, he felt awful not only because he snapped on a girl that supposed to be his current major crush until this morning, but also because he realized how helpless he was in front of the girl. And all those feeling had taken him sunken deep on ocean of guilty.

Junghee might be right, the way he treated Eunsook just now could cause huge mess. This is the first time since almost forever Kibum does care about his image in front of other. Suddenly he’s afraid she might think he’s the biggest jerk on earth who had this hot and cold attitude, once a very nice and kind guy then yell on her face for something she didn’t even know just for the reason he lose control on stupid stuffs.

He doesn’t want that.

“Why are you so stupid, Kim Kibum…”

He threw himself on the mattress and kept staring on the ceiling for solid ten minutes before he jolted to the door, took one deep breath, and carefully pushed it forward.

The living room is empty, leaving only small aquarium at the corner being the source of light. However, when looked across the room, dim light seeped through small gap between the floor and the door of Eunsook’s room.

She’s still awake.

“Eunsook?”

The soft knock on the door didn’t reciprocate. The drumroll banging inside his chest became louder each second passed in silent.

“Lee Eunsook? Can I come in?”

He waited again but nothing happened.

Is she mad at me? Shit.

Various scenarios flashed on his mind and not any single of it makes him comfortable. He might regret it later, but his guts are so much makes sense more than anything.

Slowly he opened the door, but the scene welcomes him is way more unpredictable.

On her bed, Eunsook’s sleeping like a five years old, blanket tucked until her chin and hair splattered here and there but somehow framed her soft jaw as if someone did it on purpose. And Kibum, Kibum just stiffen right on the threshold, hand glued to the handle.

How come a girl can turn someone defenseless without doing anything?

She just breathes, her shoulder moves in a slow rhythm. Kibum knew he’s crazy but he swear in such distance he can see how her eyelashes intertwined each other hiding the beautiful eyes she had, kissed her cheeks in silent melody. If he had camera in his hand, he would had already taken hundreds picture of her sleeping.

Creepy, he knows.

But in Kibum justification, everyone should be creepy once in a while when they’re in love, shouldn’t they?

Ah. In love?

Kibum gripped his chest for a moment and decided to turn of the light before he closed the door cautiously.

“Forget it, Kim Kibum..”

***

Chapter 3

#onkey #jinkibum #eunsook #kibum #onkey fiction #onkey fanfic #onkey scenario #shinee fanfic #shinee fiction #shinee scenario #eunsook fanfic #eunsook scenario #bumsook fiction #bumsook #shinee #onew #key

8 notes · View notes

ts-nightingaleislands · 4 years

Text

Episode #10- “Is Cheatham actually high regularly or is it just a figment of his imagination?”- Sara

that was such a HARD tribal for me. i loved having noah on my side and stuff but also i know he would be one of the ppl to make a big move on me if he stayed . its getting harder and harder for each vote . i just gotta stay focused and hope my alliance stays strong another round or two . tumblr survivor gods i hope your pulling for me!

Austin and Vincent have to be testing me. I dont get why Austin is playing dumb with me or why he act like he didn't know. According to Vincent Austin was in on it. I mean regardless I know who Im just wanting to stick with but yeah, the weird jumped out. Cheatham is also saying this was a week or so then went MIA so thats cool

(LATER)

Austin and Vincent are coming off super sketchy. I mean it is nothing new with Austin, but Vincent oof. I dont mind it all that much because of who I prefer to go with, but it is interesting. If these guys are coordinated then, well, seems uncoordinated

(LATER)

So right now Austin, Cheatham, and Vincent have added me to a chat I guess to work together. I actually worry I am not Natalie Anderson, but Sierra Dawn Thomas Worlds Apart. Nonetheless, I think its smart for me to wait til F7 or so to make the move against Austin/Cheatham. I can't allow enough time to pass for the idol to bite me in my butt!

(LATER)

I now see that Austin probably thinks he can manipulate me, so I have to time when I vote him perfectly. Him feigning ignorance on the Noah vote tells me he likely feels I'm naive enough to believe him and hey people do prefer to keep the ones around they feel are lesser than themselves!

(LATER)

Ive had a change of heart- I think now Kyle is going to get dragged by people, however, I strongly believe he would choose me over anyone so its just a matter of navigating 6 tribals

Inane ramblings from Vincent's cf, dated 3 AM on December 26, formatted terribly bc this cf is dated 3:06 AM on December 26: >i'm looking ahead to the future >austin is likely going to want liam out >bc when he said he wanted to make a move he'd have to mean one of them >them being liam/am/sara >and as far as i can tell liam is being perceived as the glue >so if he goes then am/sara become lone wolves who are easier to manipulate >however if liam stays then the other one, maybe am, is linked with them and they will be mad at austin for doing this >so those are numbers on our side >my previous boot order (EDITOR'S NOTE: never discussed in a cf, but will be discussed at length later) changed due to the unexpected development that austin is willing to flip on his group >however i'll note now that there is a very good chance he's faking >although if he is i can't imagine why he'd put his true allies in such blatant danger when kyle is literally right there as a vote >*person to vote >so let's say 5-3 vote up next >me/cheatham/austin/chris/kyle all against liam's trio >ideally voting out sara >bc she is the messiest and the one i trust least >my goal will be to convince the others that this is the best vote >liam and i are good and he is my decoy f2 >too early for goat stuff but am is a better goat than sara imo >just keeping my options open >liam/cheatham/annmarie could easily each be in my f2 >but not in a "ideal f4" way >so if austin is with me for this vote then he should at least appear to establish further connections with me >he can't do anything without one of chris and cheatham >or kyle i guess >kyle is easily the most expendable of those 3 >so to limit austin's options we need to vote kyle >we >my old boot order is more or less the same >just kyle vote goes from getting austin's trust back to weakening him >then at f6 cheatham chris and i stick together >vote out am unless liam becomes dark horse threat >f5 austin goes >f4 chris >f3 liam >then maybe i win >wow this seems so real >like usually in orgs when i'm at the merge im like'well maybe it's still possible that i could maybe end up at the ftc but lmao imagine getting votes' >oh no i'm becoming overconfident >wow meeting noah in jury again is going to be awkward huh No matter how I place this is honestly one of my better confessionals. Either full of dramatic irony and I look stupid or I win and I look good. One outcome is significantly more likely than the other, of course. But neither isn't so bad, is it?

God I feel this challenge is gonna stir up so much shit! I just hope my target dont get bigger because of it.

Where I stand now is that Austin is very willing to have Kyle go this round quote unquote, but what is to say he may not actually want somebody else? It is interesting seeing him discuss his perception and everything. I guess he cannot help but try to downplay himself, but I feel the ship has sailed for him and now it is only a matter of time. Watch him pull a W

(LATER)

I can't wait for someone to get offended by this Touchy Subjects challenge. I know I won't. If anything, I'll just adapt with it! I also feel like now, it's important to see how AnnMarie and Sara handle things from here on out- either they're willing to try and go for Austin/Cheatham/Vincent, or they'll settle for Kyle. If this happens to go the way I think, I may end up as a potential swing in F7, but I sure as heck am not about to be like Miss Sarah Lacina Cop-Turned-Criminal in Cagayan. No Ma'am! I'm not ever feeling safe until I'm sitting in the Final 2

(LATER)

So Austin asks me for a name and I am like ok I dont mind if it is Kyle unless you guys are up to do someone else. Austin proceeds to say he wants to have options and just wants a name and I'm. It really feels like a bit of a bait just to go to X to say I said their name. I could be wrong but its just weird becaise I haven't heard him say a name yet

(LATER)

Austin! Do not think that Ive forgotten your leaky faucet ways! Like that's the odd thing about it- Austin has shown what he is capable of and it is just weird of him to press about this when I know he has lied to me before. Like right now I literally told him I am fine with anyone going and his response was to know who I actually want out. I really don't know what he wants me to say other than a name to implicate myself but nuh uh! Not I!

(LATER)

The way it looks, I can make the move to get Liam out but I highly doubt I will last much longer. All it will take after that is to say Chris did X lets do him and so I want to try and wait at least to chat to Kyle. I also want to see how willing AnnMarie and Sara are willing to talk about this vote instead of waiting. I definitely do not want Cheatham/Austin/Vincent all in F6 or at worse F5 however that is easier said than done for this lot

Wowza, Cheatham is playing hard now. SO, basically the votes are supposed to go 6-2, Chris being voted out. Now I do not wanna go any further with Sara, AM, and Liam bc they will take out me and Austin first. So I talked with Chris and now there is a 4 person alliance with Austin, Me, Chris, and Vincent. Im going to use my idol on Chris and then Chris and Kyle will vote out one of the others. Kyle is a wild card and we don't wanna tell him EXACTLY what's going on because he is kinda crazy. So we are thinking about having Vincent vote with Chris to ensure that one of the others go home. This is yet again ANOTHER big move on my part. Im getting worried that people will think that I'm the biggest threat with MORE idols in my hand and doing all the big moves. All I can do is wait. If I keep winning individual immunity like this week then I'm golden.

I think I've had an epiphany and it took talking to Cheatham to figure it out. Apparently I am the vote for tonight, though he wants to do something I've been wanting Cheatham to do in this merge and that is take advantage of the idol system- in doing so he gains a lot of leverage and I felt disppointed that he wasn't optimizing it. Having that said, I think I got a little sad because he told me people feel like I never give a name and truth be told I don't and it is a mistake on my end. I feel like I'm so scared to say a name because it failed miserably for me in the first half of this game and now that I don't do it anymore, people use it as a reason to vote me out. I do feel like its like I can't win with these people, but I want to change as much as I can to give myself a chance

(LATER)

HI am seeing that Austin, Cheatham, and even Vincent legitimately want to work with me and so perhaps I should consider going with them. The question with this vote is how I do I go about it. I've already named Sara because I have the most reason to do her AND I know Austin/Cheatham lowkey wanted her so its a win win for all of us, but it would be interesting to split it if the idol were used on me. Regardless, I just want this to end greatly for me, be that new start to a Chris that has what it will take to make it to the end and win.

I have...lots of questions right now... Am I being voted out tonight? Wouldn't surprise me. Does AnnMarie have a f2 w/ Austin? Cuz I accidentally caught her in something the other day where she told me she knew Austin was asking others for finals. But it might have been an accident because I mentioned that Austin asked for us 2 in a f3 with him....never said f2. Is Cheatham actually high regularly or is it just a figment of his imagination? Why do people get weird and quiet when they're planning a blindside or change loyalties? I literally brought this up to Liam last night a while after results. Gwen/Rizo/Chris did this exact same thing. It's Survivor. Lie and make a move if you have to. I'd respect that a whole lot more. Ignoring people is just shit jury management and I'll totally call Cheatham out at tribal now if I go! At least Vincent gave me an ANSWER! *Giggle* And also...is Austin actually that nice or is it game? Cuz I lit dunno if I'll ever be able to write his name down if that's really his personality. x)

Cheatham wants to invent a situation in which he would play his idol and gain full access to two others. This really feels like a resume padding thing more than a legitimate move out of necessity, because we have the numbers to vote out our target now, and there's no reason that would change any time soon. To me, this solidifies that Cheatham really can't make it to the end, just like Austin. Ideally I want to be able to choose between Liam and Chris because I think I have an ok shot against them both, and it's reasonable for both of them to make it very far. Of course it's the final 8 so it's still way too early to think about the end, but I definitely can't take Austin or Cheatham with me bc they both have a good shot at winning against me.

Sara me and Liam are apparently a strong group so there are plans to usurp our place on the throne! I'm watching a documentary about Queen Elizabeth while writing this. Cheatham apparently wants us gone as well, which hurts. I thought he was with me. I guess not. That is all.

So this round is insane, originally it was gonna be Chris but apparently Cheatham is gonna idol him so we’re having to take out the biggest goat in this game, which is so annoying, but if it must be done to save Sara so I have a shot at making it to the end then so be it. There’s still so much game to play so I need to make the most outta it.

youtube

5 votes Kyle (w/ self-vote), 2 votes Sara, 1 vote Chris (negated by idol.)

#announcement

0 notes

gracewithducks · 5 years

Text

Like a Tree (Jeremiah 17:5-10)

My family recently returned from a trip to Florida. We went primarily to visit family – my grandparents are in the process of moving out of their Florida home there as we speak – and we wanted to visit them, to enjoy some sunshine together and to swim in their awesome pool, one more time before they sold. Unfortunately the weather didn’t cooperate. Our visit was overcast and cold – not “polar vortex in Michigan” cold, but still, Florida cold, 50-and-drizzly cold, too cold even for little girls to go in the pool. Fortunately, even though the girls missed the pool, we had a lovely visit with grandma and grandpa, and we also had a surprise in store: the girls didn’t know it, but we were going to Disney World. So there was this one beautiful day. It was one day when the sun actually came out – and I tell you, I think I am at least partly solar powered, because when the sun came out that afternoon, it was like my soul woke up – and the sun was shining and it was in the 70s, probably the most beautiful day of our whole trip. And I remember so vividly sitting that afternoon on a bench in the sun, with my eyes closed, the light on my face, letting the crowds bustle right on by, taking a break in the sun in the happiest place on earth... and my hands are like this (up in front of me, fists almost closed), one hand tightly wrapped around each wrist of my four-year-old, who is in the middle of one of the most epic and out of control temper tantrums of her life. You see, Disney is a wonderful place. And my kids got to go on a lot of amazing rides and meet a lot of fantastic characters. Along the way we learned that both of my girls love roller coasters. They love the thrill rides, the dips and the swoops and the big drops and the wind in their faces... they both love the roller coasters, but many of those rides for safety reasons require you to be a certain height to ride. And for a lot of those rides, in order to be safe, in order to get on the ride, you need to be at least 44 inches tall.

I can now tell you with absolute certainty that, with her sneakers on, when she stands up as tall as she knows how – B is exactly 43 and 3/4 inches tall. And sometimes life is hard when you’re 43-and-not-quite-another-whole-inch tall. Sometimes it means your sister and daddy go ride Space Mountain, and you get left behind.

B and I did a lot of fun and special things while daddy and big sister stood in line. We rode the People Mover – which is a really nice ride, but it’s not Space Mountain. We met Buzz Lightyear – and he’s a really cool guy, but he’s no Space Mountain. We went on the Carousel of Progress, which has the voice of Tom Hanks and a catchy song and lots of educational value and a rotating theater and absolutely no waiting at all... but it’s no Space Mountain. And now we had to wait just ten more minutes, ten more minutes for daddy and sister to finally ride their ride and come meet us. Ten minutes until our family was back together and we made our way to dinner with Cinderella. And those ten minutes were the longest ten minutes of our lives. I told B how lucky we were; we did all those things while daddy and sissy just stood in line. I reminded her we were at Disney World, and the sun was shining and we were on our way to meet Prince Charming. I explained to her about lap bars and rules that are meant to keep her safe. I told all the things that were right. I told her why. But all she could see was that it didn’t feel fair. And she screamed at me. And she cried. And she stomped. And she kicked. And when she started hitting, that’s when I held her hands and didn’t let go. We were past the point of reason. We were neck deep in the disappointment and anger of a not-quite-44-inch-tall four-year-old who was hot for the first time in days and who was tired and overstimulated and who didn’t want to be the little sister any more. And all I could do was hold on. It’s easy in those moments to let it get to you. Too often, I do. Too often, I forget that’ I’m the adult, and when the kid starts yelling, I yell right back. Too often, I start thinking: we never should have come. This is why we can’t do nice things. I start to feel like a lousy mom. I should have found a better way to keep her happy. I should have taught her how to manage her feelings. And when she’s yelling, “You’re mean” and “You’re a bad mom” and “I don’t like you” – sometimes, it feels like she means it. And in that moment maybe she does. So I hold on. I hold on to her, literally, so she doesn’t hurt herself or anybody else. And I hold onto the knowledge that this too will pass – and the amazing thing is, it does. And I hold onto how much I love her, and how much she loves me. And the sun shines. And the tantrum ends. And life goes on. B probably doesn’t even remember that tantrum. But I do. And what I remember most is the calm that I had – which isn’t like me at all – the calm, the peace, that helped me hold on.

At a recent gathering of moms, a speaker talked about grace – specifically in the context of marriage and parenting. They said, grace as a state that you’re in, a state that God puts you in, a state of being where you are loved and valued just as you are now, with no conditions or changes – and if you’re in that state of grace, if you know who you are, and you know that who you are is someone who is beloved and valued by God, and you know that nothing can change that – then you can weather the storms that come.

And the speaker never used this imagery, but I wish they would have – because that’s what comes to mind when I read our scripture for today:

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD, whose trust is in the LORD.

They shall be like a tree planted by water,

sending out its roots by the stream.

It shall not fear when heat comes,

and its leaves shall stay green;

in the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit.

Blessed are those who are rooted in the LORD – who are planted by deep water, who can weather the drought and the heat and the storm. Blessed are those who know that your value doesn’t depend on whether or not your kids throw tantrums, or if they get into the best schools, or your house is a mess, or how your job is going, or if you’re married or single or widowed or divorced – your value doesn’t change when you have a bad day, when you mess up, when you get completely overwhelmed… you can keep going, because your roots run much, much deeper than that.

There is something powerful about being rooted in God’s love. There is something powerful that comes from knowing that you are beloved by God, that God values you so highly that God would trade God’s own life for yours – and nothing that happens to you, nothing that you do, nothing that you don’t do – nothing can change who you really are: you are beloved by God.

It’s a powerful truth. It’s a powerful image, and it’s one I need to hold onto more often – I wish I could tell you that every time my day spirals out of control, every time my kids lose their tempers, I manage to hold onto mine. I wish I could tell you that I always draw on those deep roots, that I turn my face to the sunshine until the storm passes. I don’t. But I’m working on it… and the good news is that, even when I blow my top, those deep roots of God’s love still don’t let me go.

But this imagery, this scripture, runs even deeper than that; it’s about more than just the strength that helps us get through our lousy days. Even in the middle of that miserable tantrum, when B was fighting and screaming and railing with all her might, part of the reason I could keep holding on is because I knew: I was right. I knew that, no matter how much she yelled, she couldn’t go on that ride. And even if I broke all the rules and found a way to smuggle her onto that ride, even though it might make her happy for a few moments – it wouldn’t be the most loving thing I could do for her. She couldn’t go on the ride, because she wouldn’t be safe on that ride; it wasn’t made for her, and as much as she wanted it, it wasn’t right for her. And no matter how much, in that moment, she screamed that I was mean and life was unfair – I knew that I still loved her, and eventually, she’d know that all I was doing was acting out of that love.

When you know what you’re doing is right, when you know it’s rooted in love – even when that love doesn’t look the way people want it to, even when those decisions are hard and your voice is unpopular – when you know, then it’s so much easier to keep holding on.

There’s a reason that this image – of the tree, by the water, that will not be moved – there’s a reason that it became an anthem for the civil rights movement. Because when you know what you’re doing is right, you can weather the storm, you can weather the drought, you can hold on through the violence and the hatred and the anger – because you know, deep down, love will prevail, and if you keep holding on, if you just don’t give in, sooner or later, justice will roll down.

I’ve been thinking a lot about temper tantrums and the deep roots of justice lately. We find ourselves, as a nation, guided by leaders who are willing to bend the rules and abuse their power and manufacture a crisis in order to get their way. And sometimes it seems easier to just give in to the tantruming todder – but in the long run, all that does is hurt them and everyone else. If our leaders want to address a real national emergency, then let’s talk about the 1 in 5 children who go hungry in America.[1] Let’s talk about the 1 in 5 Americans who can’t afford or access the health care they need.[2] Let’s talk about the 100 Americans who are shot and killed every single day – and the hundreds more who survive being shot and have to live with the trauma and the fear.[3] Let’s talk about the fact that our national infrastructure has been reviewed by the American Society of Civil Engineers and given a grade of D+.[4] Our airports, our dams, our water pipes, our roads and bridges are literally crumbling out from under us. Let’s talk about the real global threat of climate change, and the reality that we are running out of time to do something about it – if we haven’t already.[5] Let’s talk about the fact that, here in Michigan, hate crimes are on the rise,[6] and the people of Flint still don’t have clean water three years after a federal state of emergency was declared.[7]

One of the other scripture readings suggested for today is from the gospel of Luke, from Jesus’ sermon on the plain. Jesus sees the crowds, the multitude who have come to him for healing and for hope, and he goes down to a level place – he goes and stands with the people on level ground. And Jesus says,

Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you will be filled.

Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh…

But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation.

Woe to you who are full now, for you will be hungry.

Woe to you who are laughing now, for you will mourn and weep.[8]

Jesus’ words challenge us – but this, this is the root of his message, and this is where we are meant to be rooted, too. Are we content to be a people who speak comfort to the rich, who stay silent in the face of abuses, who rob from the starving to fill the pockets of the powerful? Or do we, like Christ, put ourselves on level ground with the community around us? Are we proclaiming good news to the poor? Are we healing the sick, and feeding the hungry? Do we weep with those who are weeping – and work to bring them peace?

It’s a lot. But Jesus never promised that discipleship would be an easy road. And it’s more than any one person can do together. But if enough of us keep holding on – if we refuse to be silent – if we don’t give up the fight – then there is always hope.

Holding on is exhausting. But I keep holding on, because I know what’s right, and I am rooted in God’s love, and I believe that – if we keep speaking up, if we keep holding on, if we refuse to give up, then we will keep bearing fruit – and in the end, when the chaff is withered and blown away, justice will prevail and love is going to win.

In the coming days, the United Methodist Church is going to make some important decisions. They’re the same decisions the church has been facing since the very beginning: are we going to be about laws, or are we going to be about love? And many of us are anxious, because those decisions are going to impact the kind of ministry we do, together. But here’s the thing: I may be anxious, but I am not afraid. I am not afraid, because I know what God has called me to do. I know where God has called me to serve. I know that God’s love is for everyone, everywhere – and the sin that God is calling us confront is greed, is the love of power, is injustice and prejudice and racism and fear. And I am going do all I can to keep speaking hope, to keep speaking truth, to keep following that calling God has given me, regardless of what the General Conference decides. I am going to keep doing justice, and loving mercy, and walking humbly with God – no matter what.

I, for one, by God’s grace, am going to keep holding on. I’m going to choose what’s right, even when it’s hard. I’m going to turn my face towards the sunshine, and I’m going to put my roots down deep. I am going to trust that the truth can set us free. And I am going to trust that God’s grace is sufficient even for me.

Oh God, help us to be trees planted by your waters. Give us roots that run down deep in your love. The icy storms around us are turning us brittle and cold; give us tender spirits and warm our hearts again. Help us, even in dry and difficult seasons, to bear fruit of your grace. Make us people who do justice, who love mercy, and who walk humbly by your side. In Jesus’ name we pray; amen.

[1] https://mashable.com/2016/07/14/child-hunger-united-states/#7uhoiUr0jaq3

[2] https://abcnews.go.com/Health/Healthday/story?id=4509618&page=1

[3] https://everytownresearch.org/gun-violence-america/

[4] https://www.cnbc.com/2017/03/09/engineers-give-americas-infrastructure-a-near-failing-grade.html

[5] https://www.usnews.com/news/best-countries/articles/2019-02-10/climate-change-isis-seen-as-greatest-global-threats-survey-finds

[6] https://www.hollandsentinel.com/news/20181114/fbi-michigan-hate-crimes-on-rise

[7] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flint_water_crisis

[8] Luke 6:17-26, abridged.

0 notes