#[ my aunt who unalived herself in December was an august bday too ]

[feretra]

I tried to watch Annihilation as a birthday treat and instead I cleaned my windows, laid on my couch, and had terrible anxiety.

THAT ISN’T EVEN ADJACENT TO WHAT I WANTED

#ooc #[ tomorrow is the start of The Bad Months of the calendar ] #[ my birthday is when my mom developed sepsis and went into a coma for two weeks ] #[ and then her cancer diagnosis that we got five fucking days to process ] #[ three of which she was conscious for ] #[ one of which she was coherent for ] #[ and she had refused to talk to me about what she’d wanted in a situation like this ] #[ literally watched my mom will herself out of the world ] #[ 6/24 is when my grandfather died ] #[ and he was my favorite person besides her ] #[ august is the anniversary of when I survived the murder attempt ] #[ my mom’s birthday is in august ] #[ my aunt who unalived herself in December was an august bday too ] #[ there’s a lot ] #[ my mom on her birthday though ] #[ shit haunts me ] #[ my mom wasn’t my mom I don’t know what lived in her that day but it was not her ] #[ the things she did and said the anger she had because I was so scared ] #[ that the paramedics wouldn’t help me ] #[ two years now but it feels so fresh ]