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miranda july / hanif abdurraquib / natalie wee / august rodin / neil hilborn

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Hi Julia.

I miss you.

You’re so far away these days. Sometimes I feel like you were never even here…. The part of you that fought and conquered and was fearless- it’s all gone.

I tried to hold back my tears as I continued my sad, 25llb dumbbell squats. It’s been 7 months since my injury and the pain is still here. Why? Why am I going through this again?

I took a deep breath and sat down on the bench. I let it out slow and long, trying to focus on my breathing so I wouldn’t implode in the middle of the 5 o’clock gym crowd.

Where did I go? I am so afraid of my own body. I can’t trust it. It hurts all the time. How do I fix it?

I looked into the mirror at my weathered reflection. I was small. I was weak. I wasn’t confident… I didn’t like myself anymore. For the first time in my life since I had started lifting, I felt like I may throw in the towel. Maybe this just isn’t FOR me anymore?

But the insecurities will still be there. The longing to be better will be there. The drive will return… I hoped.

I breathed deep, and started another set.

“I’m happy I can at least do this” I sighed.

[strongenoughtocare]

Brandt

What a guy.

I’ve never met someone who is so kind and fun and thoughtful and smart. He is so incredibly smart. He makes me laugh harder than anyone and makes life so wholesome and fun.

I miss him so much and I’ve only been away from him for a few hours…

EL SALVADOR!!

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Will I ever stop being the way I’ve always been?

distracted… I feel like a lioness who’s hungry. I want meat. I want fresh meat. I want the thrill of the hunt and the fear of the unknown coarsing through my veins. life is too monotonous. It is easy, but it is exhausting living the same day over and over. 3 more weeks and we’ll know, just 3 more. You can do it. You can hold out.

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26 1/2

I’m 26 1/2 now which means I really should have my shit together, and from the outsiders perspective, I do. I have it all. I live in a beautiful condo on a river in a canyon in Colorado with a handsome boyfriend who’s a doctor all while I have an amazing career. Sounds like it’s figured out, right?

unfortunately, wrong.

I love my life here. But it’s so… normal. It’s so PG and quaint and wholesome. I know that if I broke away from this life I would miss it, but I’m constantly longing to run away from here. I miss the version of myself that walked herself across the country without giving a fuck about what anyone thought. I miss the part of myself that lifted truck tires and could do weighted pull ups. I miss the version of me that existed in intensity…. But now all I have is tranquility. Peace.

I longed for this. I know I did. Why do both versions of me exist so deeply? I long to be a mother with a farm and a healthy relationship and a beautiful home, but I also long to be the single, headstrong one woman show- career driven and free to go wherever she please. Sexy and free.

I never feel sexy anymore, that’s for sure. I love what I have, and I would never trade it… but some days it feels like I want to run and hide from all that I know… love is blinded by the pressure of forever, I know that to be true.

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I’m getting married

thats a wild thing to type. 

6 months ago i was still quarreling with my ex, hoping that i could figure out how in the world to get away from him without crushing him.

now i live in Yosemite again with my boyfriend whos proposing this month

love is wierd.

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Hawaii - the quarter life crisis continues

I sat on the beach listening to the rush of the waves and drenching in the afternoon sun. I sat quietly- no music to listen to or person to call, just me and the waves on the shore. A large sea turtle lay next to me, basking in the sunlight as I was. I was curious about him, but wouldn’t dare disturb such a sweet creature.

I tried to understand why I felt out of place. I came here for answers, and all I felt was solemn. I didn’t belong here in this moment, but I didn’t belong where I came from either. 

I came here on a whim to escape my current reality; living with my parents, jobless, and aimless. I didn’t know who to be or where to go, but the worst part is- I don’t even know where to start. Maybe that’s why I felt so lost. I craved for someone to just choose something for me, send me down any path and tell me that this was my only choice. I feel lost because I sit at the crossroads of thousands of paths, all of which lead to destinations I’ll never know.

I tried to breathe, to soak up the warmth from the sun and have it calm me. I thought about everything happy and warm I've ever known. I thought about conversations around a fire deep in the backcountry. I thought about Bilbo making me cake pops and singing happy birthday. I thought about sitting at glacier point with Ava, dreaming about the future... 

As I walked back to the Trembles, I thought about how when I was dreaming about happy memories, surprisingly, I didn’t think about Christian at all. Christian was convinced that I was the One. That we would get married and move in together somewhere down south... I wasn't convinced at all. 

I made the call that afternoon.

It was hard, to say the least.

The next day, I walked down the beach to a local shop. They sold many Hawaiian snacks and trinkets. Macadamia nuts, cocoa beans, dried mango with Lihing Mui... Lihing Mui. 

“Hi Daniel, hi Kayla, hi Connor.” I thought to myself as I picked up the Lihing Mui candy and walked over to the register “ I hope you feel loved today”.

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isiah

when we met you were nothing i wanted

or was interested in

two years ago i was such a different person

you are afraid

i know you are

but just dont let it effect you

i love kissing you

and i can feel that you need someone like me

even if im not the one for you

i dont want to be

but you need to know what its like to be loved

[strongenoughtocare]

for Michael

im sorry i let you down

im sorry i didnt show

i am so afraid

i am not enough for myself, how could i be enough for someone else?

i know you say you love me

but i pretend to love so many men

maybe i’m just empathetic

maybe i can feel that they want to be loved

but i dont love you

im sorry

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25

here we go: all the boys, all the small details, an how i felt about them.

9/30: Jordan House-Hay

- millionaire, real estate tycoon, 6′3″ built like a greek god. kissed 8/10. Drinks at Union Station, wanted to see me the very next day.

10/1: Jordan House-Hay

- dinner at union station, hot tubbing on the roof, really good sex. Didn’t snuggle much. woke up to him reading at 6 am.

10/2: Chris Gurule

- financial advisor, 6′5″, nice green eyes. wore a sweatshirt for drinks at Schoolhouse in Arvada. Was so incredibly funny. Kissed me goodbye and asked for a second date- I didn’t pursue it.

10/3: Ben

- Don’t know his last name. We met at Retrograde and he was awe-struck by me. Had a hard time talking until he was a few drinks in. brown hair, green eyes, very sweet. I shook his hand goodbye - he asked for a second date and I respectfully said no. “the bar was aflame”

10/4: Adam Farmer

- 36 years old, sandy curly hair with blue eyes. Met in the DTC for old fashions. I picked at my salad. didn’t really like him from the get-go, but we had a great conversation about investing. Kissed me goodbye and asked to see me the next friday. I respectfully said no.

10/5: Channing

- aerospace engineer. big nose, but cute face. met near sloans lake brewing. good conversationalist, and we talked about the theories behind the universe and space for hours. He kissed me goodbye and called the very next day.

10/6: Sean Foley

- handsome as hell. Jaw line that could cut glass. brown hair, green eyes, mustache. private buyer for tv and movies. no idea what the fuck that meant. went to a SoFar event on Pearl street, then got dinner. He said I was his dream girl and kissed me goodnight. didnt hear from him again.

10/7: Andrew Whitney

 - another incredibly handsome man with yet another chiseled face. ex-marine, studying aerospace engineering. Wants to build rockets. got dinner on Pearl and then played pool at the pub. stayed up until 3 AM and i met his cat.

10/8: Steven Sorenson

- 6′4″, mustache, blonde hair that fell like a disney prince. Owned real-estate and plays alot of hockey, from Minnesota. we met in golden at new terrain. We talked about Minnesota for a large portion of the evening and I drove home sad, thinking about Connor. I miss knowing him. Steven asked to see me the next day, but i declined.

10/9: Joe

- blonde hair, blue eyes. Had these cute, nerdy glasses on. from New Jersey, wants kids as soon as possible. we met for lunch i downtown arvada and he kissed me on the cheek goodbye. also asked for another date, and I lied and said i was sick. nice guy though.

10/10: Christian

- i missed him.

10/11: Reid Bevrik

- One of the sweetest and silliest humans I’ve met in a long time. is writing a book. Tall guy, built like a complete string bean. we walked along the river in Golden and kissed in the moonlight. He made me laugh so hard I cried. He wants to see me again, I’m unsure of how i feel.

10/12: Bradley

- sweet guy, 32, blonde curly hair and green eyes. took me to SushiDEN and spent 350 dollars on dinner. was pretty funny but is definitely a mysogynist. tried to kiss me, and i purposefully made him kiss my cheek. asked if i wanted to go to Louis the Child that friday and I declined.

10/13: Connor

- HANDSOME. Found it funny that his name is also Connor. light brown hair with a mustache. Made me giggle alot. has cool tattoos. we met at american bonded and went back to his place and madeout. I liked him and he seemed to really like me.

10/14: Christian

- ran into andrew at the pub. christian was hurt. i slept over at christians because i wish he never messed up in the first place.

10/15: Isiah McCarthy

- old flame. tall, blonde, blue eyes, extremely well built. Im the only girl hes ever wanted to date. I told him i dont want to be serious with anyone, but that I am open to seeing where it goes. we talked on his couch for hours and then made out for hours and then talked and then made out. best kisser to date.

10/16: Alex

- was so incredibly silly. Very southern. very normal football-dude-guy-bro. tall, built, brown hair, green eyes (lmao i have such a type). was obsessed with me. wants to see me again tuesday.

[strongenoughtocare]

My dearest love,

I wonder if you’re laying in bed late at night as I am, listening to the whirr of a fan or the sound of crickets out your open, bedroom window. I wonder if you’re reading a book, scrolling through emails, or writing your feelings as I do now.

I wonder if your hair is long, and if you debate on cutting it soon. I dream about the things you love, the things that light up your face. I hope I can be one of those things some day. I think of you often. Recently, though, I’ve had no idea who you are, but I do know some things you must to be.

I know you are kind. I know that when you see those in need, you feel you must help. I know you call your parents regularly, and you love them with your whole heart. I hope they’re healthy and well, wherever they may be.

I know that you are strong. Not just in a physical sense, but in a way that can be maintained in the face of adversity. I know you are not fearless, but refuse to let fear stop you from reaching your dreams. I know that in times where I am not so strong, that I will be able to lean on you, and I will do everything in my power so you can rely on me to do the same.

I know you are smart. I know you’ll be able to plan and be reliable. I know you will be a problem solver, and your heart for those you care for will drive you to want to solve others problems too. Some things you won’t be able to solve, and I’ll be here when you feel discouraged that you cannot help.

I know you are witty. I know you are like able and trustworthy and will think things through.

I know you will love me with your whole heart, and I will love you with all of mine. I know that you would do anything you could to protect me from danger or pain, and that as long as you are near, life will be ok. I know you will love me so much that the mere thought of me suffering, makes you suffer.

The thought of you hurting, hurts me. The idea that I won’t be able to take your pain away some times will be one of the biggest struggles of my life, I already know.

I love you so much, and I don’t even know who you are yet… and It’s amazing to think that someone out there feels the exact same way. Beautiful, really.

I want to let you know that to me, loving you means supporting you. Caring for you. Protecting you. I want to see you do great things and be the first to cheer you on. I want to stay up late with you preparing for a big presentation, or be the first person you call when you get your dream job. I want to encourage you to be your best self, and I know you want the same for me.

I know you’ll celebrate all my successes. I know you’ll cheer me on until you lose your voice from the noise you’ll make in the crowd. I’m your biggest fan, and you’ll be mine.

We will love together, struggle together, we will fight and find resolution. We will make big decisions with both of our best interests in mind. I’ll cook you dinner, and you’ll bring me flowers. I’ll hold you when you can’t stand, and you’ll pick me up when I can’t muster my own strength to stand. We will stand together.

Partners in life, we will struggle together, and we will succeed together.

We will stand together.

I want you to know that I am imperfect, but I’ll do everything that I can to be the best version of myself every day for you. I am broken and bruised, an individual who has been through hell and back and tried every day to be strong. Ive walked across the country, summited many mountains, fallen down many times and gotten back up time and time again.

I know I will have good days and bad days. And I know at some point in the future I will fall again, but I also know that you will be there to catch me and help me recognize my own strength to once again, stand.

I’ve got you. I love you. I have your back and will never hurt you.

I hope you are sleeping soundly wherever you are, and that life is kind to you.

I hope to know you soon.

Julia

[strongenoughtocare]

I sat on a big grey sofa across from the psychiatrist.

The room was earth toned, with random calming decorations scattered throughout the room. There was an old sand timer that was held by a bronze base, and a book shelf that looked as if it hadn’t been touched since the practice first opened. There was a box of tissues and a clock that ticked loudly to my left.

“I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 19. I’ve been mentally well, and off of meds, since then. Only recently have I been headed down a difficult path. It’s been years since I’ve truly considered killing myself.” I breathed heavily.

I was still high from the night before. Time passed very slowly. I had slept 10 hours that night and just barely made it to the appointment.

“You think about killing yourself regularly?” The psychiatrist asked.

“No. Only when I can’t sleep…. There’s nothin more debilitating than going an entire night without sleep when all you desperately want and need is a good nights rest.”

“When was the last time you thought of killing yourself?”

“About a week ago.”

I suddenly became highly aware of all the emotions I had felt that night. I was angry, frustrated, overwhelmed… everything. I had decided early that morning to call my ex on my work phone. It took a few tries but he eventually answered.

“Mister Smitherz died” I sighed on the phone “and I’m extremely suicidal. No one understands.”

I sounded like my worst enemy from when I was younger.

When I was 13 I dated a boy who would call me crying about committing suicide to get us back together. That wasn’t why I called my ex… I didn’t want to be back together. All I wanted was to be heard.

“Jules you should get some sleep” Connor sighed.

“You hurt me. Really really bad. You hurt me more than anyone ever has.” I went on and on about how hurt I was, spewing my emotions that I had bottled for the past year.

It was hard knowing he was with someone else. It was even harder knowing that she had truly replaced me. For a long time, I couldn’t imagine anyone could ever replace Connor- and then I met Christian.

Christian was this tall, built, mixed Mexican. He had jet black hair and eyes, with a pointy nose and a big smile. He had a big brown Marylyn Monroe mole above his lip with a thick mustache that surrounded it. He was smart and hardworking, responsible and loyal. He never cleaned up after himself though and played golf religiously. He was an interesting individual for a free spirit like myself to fall in love with.

“He doesn’t understand me and my anxiety. It makes me feel hopeless” I cried on the phone “I know you understand.” That sentence was the last time I ever put weight in Connor Jorgensen.

I proceeded to let him know how I felt. Hurt, frustrated, confused… everything. I hated him for how he hurt me. I never realized how angry I was with him until this moment when I chewed up these words and wanted to spit them onto him.

“I don’t want to be with you. But I wanted to get this off my chest… in case something happens to me.” I was being dramatic. But then again, I was running on no sleep and talking to my ex for the first time in 9 months. I felt like I had the premise to be so.

The psychiatrist looked up from his computer “you have a significant other?”

“Yes” I replied.

“How is that going? Well?”

“Yeah… yes. Well… yes and no. I guess. We just hit one year.” I was unsure of how to respond.

“Can you elaborate on that for me?”

I tried to think of why I was so hesitant. Christian and I were happy. Nothing short of perfect from the outside. He had a good job and was making a good deal of money. I had a good job and was moving up in my field. We had just moved our stuff out of our studio apartment in Boulder, to a brand new one bedroom apartment in Broomfield. It was spacious with a grey stainless steel kitchen and a balcony and built in laundry. There was a pool and a game room and other amenities at he complex and it was right across from a million restaurants and bars that were brand new. Clusters of young couples were moving in each day.

Christian and I had spent the evening before in the jacuzzi watching a storm move in.

“We’re happy. Long distance is hard. My mental health has been tough to navigate too.” I replied.

It was true. My spiral of mental health issues that I had recently fell into was a point of contention in the relationship at the moment. All I wanted was for the two of us to be ok, but it felt like one step forward two steps back. Trying to get Christian to be tender with me was like pulling teeth.

Christian himself is smart. He can figure anything out, and I can trust him to properly plan things. He was good with people, and how handsome he was definitely gave him a leg up on his colleagues at work. Everyone liked Christian. They didn’t love him, but they liked him. He was easy. He was trustworthy.

Why we fought was beyond me. Maybe that’s why my answer was slow.

[strongenoughtocare]

what if i don’t like cats?

what if i never climb the mountains?

what if i get pregnant?

what if i never feel like i can be me?

what if you cheat?

what if I sometimes wish you would?

to be attached to someone who is so different from me

its scary.

sometimes i dont even want to be here.

i feel unloved

sad

defeated

you dont love me the way i need to be loved

what if i always feel like this?

why are you so mean to me?

is it just something ill have to accept?

something that will never change?

i miss being lonesome 

i miss being alone

there are people who would be nicer to me

and men who like dogs

[strongenoughtocare]

i miss me

I miss me

the old me

the Julia who sat on tall ledges with wonder

the one who laid by the Merced and melted into the banks

the girl with stars in her eyes

and wonder in her heart

I miss that Julia.

I miss the girl who watched the skies with wonder

and felt the grass between her fingers.

I miss the girl who waded in the alpine lakes

and stopped to admire the meadows.

I miss me.

I’d be lying if i said i was happy here, because I’m not.

its not that there aren’t happy things

happy thoughts and moments...

but I don’t feel like me here

I don’t feel like I belong here

I belong amongst the pines and the firs

watching trout scurry behind rocks

listening to the leaves billow in the wind

thats where I belong

I often feel as though i’m torn into two parts

the person I am,

and the person I grew up being told I’m supposed to be

successful, beautiful, smart

those things i’ve been reaching for my entire life

those things fade away when I am in the mountains

the mountains dont care if im successful

they pay no mind to the wrinkles and blemishes on my face

forget about smart

the mountains will whip and howl no matter ow clever you are

the mountains dont care 

the forest doesnt care

the animals and the dirt and the mushrooms in the ground

no matter who I am to the world

none of that matters to nature

nature doesnt care who you are

the environment doesnt discriminate

you can be exactly who you are here

and none of it matters in the end

the mountains dont care.

I miss me,

i miss her

but ill find her again when i return

[strongenoughtocare]

I can’t lie that I am sad.

I am sad that you blocked me on everything. I am sad that i can’t call you. I’m sad that I can’t ask you how your day was, or have coffee with you. I’m sad that I can’t pet dogs with you, or jam out to headbangers in your car.

I’m sad that I am finally letting you go.

I love Christian. I love him more than I have loved so many people in my life... And he loves me so well. He listens, and he tries. He holds me when I cry, and cheers me on when I do well. He buys me flowers and makes sure they stay alive. He writes me notes and snuggles me to sleep. He is truly one of the kindest, most loving men I have ever known and I am so lucky to love him.

I would have never been able to love Christian if i held onto you. I gave you my all, put everything on the table, and you didn’t want me. That was really hard for me. For a while I felt like i’d never be enough for someone. I felt like no matter how much i tried, no man would want me for exactly who I was... And then I met Christian. He loves me for every little inch of me, and I can’t thank him enough for that.

I just want you to know that I am still thankful for all of our memories, and wish you all the best. I am very happy and healthy and deeply loved. I hope you are too, wherever you are.

Jules