straykidsland

[straykidsland]

1:30 pm (lmh)

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 | lee minho x gender-neutral reader

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄 | lovers to friends, timestamp, suggestive – 18+ is strongly advised!

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 | lots of kissing, grinding, love bites, reader and minho are desperate (aka horny) for one another

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 | 0.9k ~ (923)

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 | song inspiration for this lil piece below ! i hope u all enjoy ‹3 tysm for reading !! ‹3‹3

♡ m.list — ♡ you can also read it on my ao3

dont repost. dont translate. minors, ageless & default blogs; dni! feedback and reblogs are highly advised and appreciated!

bodies pressing against each other. hands tangling in each other's hair. your fingers rake along his scalp whilst he tangles the strands of your hair around his fingers.

heavy pants and moans swallowed by one another. the desperation for more kicking in slowly but surely. you both pull apart for a brief second to allow oxygen to enter your lungs. 

minho’s kiss bitten lips attaching themselves to yours once again giving you little to no time to gather your thoughts. the small space of the closet makes you both feel small and claustrophobic. the heavy bass of the music outside ringing in your ears.

all you care about is him. the man that is currently taking your breath away. his hands slide down your sides to hold your waist where he soothes and strokes you from over your clothing.

his body is pressing against you. his chest against yours, one leg between yours to keep your legs parted as you hover over his strong thigh. you grip onto his shirt, hot breath mixing together with saliva.

skin hot and sticky. the air is humid and suffocating from the small space. your heart thumping so heavy and hard, it rings in your ears and drowns out the background noise.

minho's hands dip under your clothing. his hot yet soothing and gentle fingers caress the skin of your sides causing goose bumps to rise to the skin. 

it makes him chuckle. it makes him love that he still has that effect on you. his head tilts to the side to allow himself to deepen the kiss even more. his tongue gliding along your swollen bottom lip. as you part your lips to allow entrance for him, he pulls away slightly to speak

“missed you.” he mumbles against your lips. you whimper softly, unable to speak because he doesn't give you a chance. he takes advantage of your parted lips to slip his tongue past them to meet your own wet and hot muscle. they both collide and tangle, a battle for dominance which you loose. minho swallows every breath moan, every drop of saliva that spills from your lips.

to him, its like honey. you taste and sound so sweet to him. it makes him tingle with excitement and adrenaline to pump through his veins. his shaky hands move from your waist to the small of your back where he pulls you even closer to him.

you'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't miss him. since the break up (which was on healthy terms), you've missed him more than ever.

right person, wrong time. the stars were just not quite aligned back then. both of you have different aspirations and goals. the beginning of the relationship was good but once the honeymoon period was over, you both found yourselves fighting over anything and everything due to stress and the pressure to maintain the healthy relationship, so when it turned unhealthy, you both mutually agreed to break up.

you'd rather have him as a friend and still in your life than not at all. the same applies to minho.

“minho..” you gasp as you feel his lips peppering soft and gentle kisses on your neck. he sucks and gently bites the skin, leaving small love bites. his crotch now pressing against you which allows you to feel how excited he is for you.

and if that was enough of a tell-tale sign, he slowly starts to rub himself against you.

“‘m sorry yn. it's been a while and i’ve missed you so much.” his hot breath fans against your hot skin, making you feel shivers.

he vowed to never get attached to you. he promised himself but one touch, one kiss was all it took for him to fall deep in love with you. you're all he ever thinks about. after the break up, he thought he'd be able to spend more time focusing on his dreams and goals but instead, his mind was preoccupied with thoughts of you causing him to become severely distracted and desperate for you.

he slowly grinds and rubs against you. his head dipping and forehead resting on your shoulder as he pants heavily and desperately. like an animal in heat, he grips onto your waist with a small amount of force and his moans soon turn deep, long and frequent as he fluidly lets them slip past his lips.

you grip onto his clothing, desperation kicking in for the both of you as you grind and rub against one another. you match one another's tempo, moans mixing together and becoming one. minho kicks his head back a little, exposing his neck to you as his eyes flutter shut and lips part, hair sticking to his forehead and back of his neck.

“yn.. fuck, yn.” he moans softly. you close your eyes slowly, lips parting as you allow the pleasure to rush through your veins like adrenaline.

his touch, his sounds. it's all making you feel tingles. his nimble fingers that's caressing your skin is setting your skin on fire. his moans ring in your ears. the butterflies fluttering in your stomach make you feel giddy but also nauseous. everything about minho right now is making you feel dizzy. but strangely, you've missed these feeling. 

as you open your mouth to speak, to beg and ask for more, to take this elsewhere due to the intense amount of lust and desire you both have, you're rudely interrupted by a knock on the closet door.

“five minutes is over!”

#minho;oneshot #minho;fluff smut

[straykidsland]

A Modern Love Story

m.list

WC: 3.6k words

Characters: Lee Minho X Fem reader

Genre: Fluff

Triggers/Warnings: Mentions of nightmares

Entails: Established relationship, pet names, hugging, they're in love.

You’re not a writer, but if you could compile all the moments you were so deeply in love, you would do so. And it would be messy, imperfect, blunt, and out of order, but it would be yours. It’s no grand fairytale, but a modern love story, just as you like it.

i. Thank you for looking at me when you needed comfort.

Words of affirmation are your love language, and acts of service his, but you feel utterly helpless when he's so broken. You don't know what will help ease his hapless cries, but you want to be there for him.

“Hey,” you call out softly. No answer. You go further and plant your feet in the middle of the room.

You and Minho had been together for a short time, a little over a month. It is still a delight whenever you're reminded that he's yours now. The both of you were slowly warming up to each other, but there was still a considerable distance between you two. As though you hadn't dared to go near a line that meant you were truly in it, together. It would mean you were vulnerable and bare, unguarded around the other.

But that changed when you came home to a very tired-looking Minho on the couch, who was utterly drained from the day's events.

Your first reaction was to give him space and time to collect himself. But then it dawned on you that the way you want to be given comfort is not the same way he would expect it.

Carefully, you tread across the room till you reach him and with the tenderness you reserved only for him, you hesitantly card your fingers in his hair and whisper his name.

Minho was so out of it that he failed to register you coming in. He was just lying there on the couch, too tired to even take off his jacket. He was so exhausted, he felt like he could lay that way for hours on end and suddenly he felt your presence.

He feels your fingers in his hair and the caress of his syllables on your tongue. He doesn't know how to react.

He never expected that you'd catch him in his messiest state. He wants to brush this off, play off his embarrassment as nothing and just when he opens his mouth, you beat him to it and ask

"Want me to stay or give you space?"

His lips part at your words. That was the first time you’d spoken to him without stammering. He always thought it cute. But then, if you were going to speak to him like that, in clever but thoughtful sentences, he was going to think you were running after his heart. You give him a small but reassuring smile after and he just…breaks.

Maybe it was the gentleness you handled him with or the considerate question you asked him. The answer to which lay within his choice.

Either way, he can't stop it when fresh tears spring to his eyes and trail down his cheeks before he can stop them. He ducks his head in embarrassment.

He was sure you'd look at him in a different light, and distance yourself from him. Although the logical part of his brain assures him that you're way too kind and understanding to do that, his emotions get the best of him and he cries more.

You concede by wrapping your arms around him and laying his head on your shoulder for now. You were in quite an uncomfortable position. Your office chair was not the most comfortable, and your legs were feeling the impact of it then. But that wasn’t important.

Right then, you simply hold him, knowing that he's capable of picking himself up but being there to help him share the burden of his weight. You tighten your hold around him when he takes in deep breaths, only for sobs to wrack him. You lightly run your fingers on his scalp, until he calms down and you're both sitting in silence.

"You okay now?" you ask him softly, and he almost says yes.

But he doesn't, because he's too warm and cosy in your embrace. He goes with the truth.

"M’better, will be okay" his words come out muffled due to his face resting on your collarbone.

He sighs happily and nuzzles his face in further. You smile. Even though you can’t see his face, you’re sure he’s blushing. You understand and lay your head on his shoulder, and he wraps his arms around you. The both of you stay there for a while, in each other's arms.

After a few minutes, you make a move to get up but he holds you, not letting you go. He looks up at you, and you're at a loss for words.

You'd always known Minho was beautiful. He'd taken your breath away completely multiple times, like when he took you to his home for the first time and you melted at the way he looked at his cats. Or the time when he'd monitored his performance in the camera, eyes unblinking as he analysed himself. His gaze had always left you breathless, evident by the way you could not hold eye contact with him for long.

But the way he was looking at you now, you had no words to describe it. His eyes were soft and raw, begging you to stay. His pupils were dilated, and he looked at you with such intense affection and love. You wanted to capture this moment forever. But instead, you brushed his hair back from his eyes and told him that you were going to be back. He pouts and you almost relent but he loosens his hold on you.

"Come back soon." he pleads and you nod.

You get up from the couch and go into the kitchen, looking for a clean tumbler. Once you find it, you fill it just below its brim with water and hurry to the living room.

You thought he'd not want to initiate more contact, but the moment you're within arm's reach, he pulls you in until you're sitting in his lap. You yelp, precariously holding the glass so no water spills out.

He pays no mind to the glass and simply rests his shoulder in the crook of your neck.

You suddenly feel shy at the action, feeling like hiding away until your cheeks are no longer burning. You were no stranger to physical touch, but it was the first time he was touching you so much and it made your heart race.

"Drink up" you tell him, holding out the glass of water.

He makes no move to take it. He just tilts his head slightly and you understand. You bring the glass to his lips and he takes sips, and then gulps of the water until it is empty. The entire time, he never once loosens his grip around you. Suddenly you feel warm all over, especially in your chest.

When he finishes, he licks his lips and looks at you. "Thank you" he says, and you reply with an automatic

"You're not welcome."

You don’t register the words coming out of your mouth. You’re too busy tracing his now-dried tears. His eyes crinkle with a tiny smile at your words, amused at the way you phrase your words. Even distracted, you never fail to banter with him. You look up and grin, feeling a bit giddy at the fact that you made him smile. Out of all the people in his life, you were the one who got to make him smile.

“Now what?" He asks, eyes no longer sad, but bright. You breathe a little easier.

"I dunno. What’d you wanna do?"

“Hmm” he makes a show of thinking loudly.

You just stare at him, not bothering to cover the awe in your gaze. He looks at you, a single eyebrow raised.

"What?" you grin wider and before you think too much of it, you place a peck on his lips.

He stops moving entirely. You think you've overstepped your boundaries and go to apologise for kissing him without his consent first, but he stops you when he places his lips on yours.

He kisses you softly. His cracked lips are rough, but welcoming on your own. The sensation of kissing him is like soothing a wound you didn’t know you had acquired. He kisses you until you have to break apart for air. He makes no move to stop until you push him lightly. You feel like your entire body is aflame.

"We don’t need to stop." he says, despite his ears turning scarlet. Heat rushes to your face and you lightly hit him. He makes no move to dodge it, and you see a familiar glint of mischief in his irises.

"I almost forgot how to breathe." you say while fanning yourself, eyes not meeting his.

He just smirks, hands still on your waist. He feels great at having made you shy.

Minho makes up his mind on what he wants to do.

“We have two options" he says, and you pause your movements.

He waits a bit more for dramatic effect and says "Option one: I'll make dinner and you can help me" and you grin, nodding.

"Option two: " he drawls out slowly

"We eat each other for dinner".

You blanch and remind him, “I’m not into cannibalism, you know?”.

He pays no heed to your words. his mind is somewhere in a place filled with your eyes and your soft touch, and his eyes are on your lips. It still amazes you, how he can switch up in an instant. You roll your eyes, even as you hold up one finger.

"One." you say, moving away from him. He pouts in reply.

"Only option two is available. It's irresistible." he says earnestly grabbing your hand.

He can’t believe you didn’t choose option two. You're not charmed by his attempts. But you're very endeared, both by his pout and his now-red ears. You go back and grab him by the fabric of his shirt. He stills in place.

"If you want, we can choose option two after dinner.” You say nonchalantly as possible and make your exit. He just blinks and his ears burn. You drive him crazy. He wanted you to keep driving him crazy.

A moment later, he’s hot on his heels, chasing after you. With his heart in tow.

ii. Thanks to you, I’m looking at myself for the first time through your eyes.

“Baby I’m going to get groceries. You want anything?”, you call out while writing your grocery list. He comes into the kitchen and looks over your shoulder. “No?” he questions, more to himself than to you. You’re momentarily distracted by his face, but you snap your head towards your list before he notices. You were still way too flustered around him.

“Do you have ingredients for if you decide to cook?” you ask, still writing down stuff, except your grip on the pen is now tighter. Thanks to him, your Adonis of a boyfriend.

“Your handwriting is nice.”, he claims, as though it is a fact as true as time, even as he ducks under the cabinets to cover his flushed face.

The world stops, then resumes spinning on its axis. You exhale softly.

“Really?”

The words come out a minute later than you intended. Lots of people had said the same thing to you before, the same words thrown around lightly.

But coming from him, you feel as though your handwriting is actually nice. You were used to your slants and the cursive, the font as familiar to you as the back of your hand. Nothing special about it. Now, you fall in love all over again with your own lettering, delighting in each form of the alphabet. With him, everything was new, even parts of yourself that you had grown used to. Loving him was coming back home, in the truest sense of the word.

“Thank you.”

He nods.

A moment later, “Can you get me pudding?”

iii. I like your company

Minho is sulking around the house, for reasons unknown to you. This is the fifth time he’s sighed so loudly in the last three minutes, the sound. And as much as his pout is adorable, you don’t want him to be upset.

Turning the television off, you get off the couch and make your way to the bedroom.

He sits there, nearly engulfed by the pile of blankets he’s surrounded himself with. The visual makes you smile.

“Why are you sighing baby?”

“Because you left me when I decided to watch a movie.”

“You were the one who declined my company remember?”

“I didn’t think you’d actually go. I wanted to watch it with you.” He says it like a confession he didn’t intend to make, one he’d hoped to keep in the secret chambers of his heart.

Your self-satisfied stance softens entirely.

“Baby I didn’t know you were teasing me. I thought you wanted some alone time.”

He just presses his lips into a line, and says, “I don’t want to be alone, even when I say so. I just want you with me.” He looks at a distant spot above your head, everywhere except your eyes.

Your eyes crinkle at that, all faux smugness gone. “I won’t know until you tell me, love. Unfortunately, I’m not inntinsic-“

“What’s inntinsic?” he interrupts, and you just give up on what you were going to say, the words forgotten.

You were a goner from the time he took interest in every word you said and carefully listened. You loved to use new words you’d learnt from reading, and every time you mentioned a new one, Minho would interrupt you mid-sentence to demand to know what it meant. It was cute, the way he didn’t want to wait until you were done speaking to understand it, like he wouldn’t miss a fraction of a second with the knowledge of you.

However, thinking back on your words, you just realized that whatever you used was not a real word. You just quoted a book,…and he didn’t know.

“Oh um, never mind. I meant to say telepathic. Inntinsic is…not a real word.” You want to bury yourself in a burrow at the end of the world and disappear.

“You’re using fantasy words now? What about all the times you tricked me? My reputation is at stake, Name.” He’s now sitting up, sounding all cocky at your little slip-up.

Minho knows that you’re meticulous about your grammar, and he hopes to tease you enough so you grant him a shove, a touch, anything. He acts like you’re at his mercy, when really he’s at your mercy, a puppet with the strings entwined in your fingers.

You tsk “I take it you don’t want to watch a movie with me? Great thanks. I’m off now.” Giving him a mock salute, you attempt to bolt out the door.

He laughs and catches you before you can get away. He grips your waist from the edge of the bed and you come crashing into his chest. He tickles you relentlessly, and you squirm in his hold, tears leaking from your eyes. “STOP, stop, please-“

Your shared laughter spills into the air, as the invisible stars in the evening sky bear witness to your glee.

Damn him and his strong arms, you think. But then again, if you’d exercised a little you wouldn’t be in this situation. He was big and warm in his blanket fort. Who were you to refuse?

After you finally catch a break, his eyes rove over you, full of affection. You look away, the eye contact too intense. He smirks at that, and you pretend not to see it, clearing your throat for no reason.

“I call dibs on choosing the movie.”

“We’re watching Home Alone? AGAIN? I thought we talked about thi-”

“Oh shush. It’s starting.”

iv. Walk with me through my nightmares

Your home was empty, except for the petals of lilies scattered around the entire place. You call out to someone, but no one answers. You remember something. Entwined hands, warm shirts, him. Suddenly you’re not at home, but in a dark alley, the entire place pitch black if not for the soft moonlight. You’re standing in front of him. He offers you his hand. You want to take it, but you can’t seem to lift your hands. You try again, but your hand doesn’t budge. You look at him, mouth opening to tell him but strangely, no words come out. He’s retracting his hand and you want to tell him to stay. You try to scream, but it stays lodged in your throat. He turns around, against your wishes. You stay still, even as he goes out of sight. Don’t go, don’t go. Please

You open your eyes, sweating, as you feel something patting your cheek repeatedly. Taking a few deep breaths, you grab something closest to you. An arm, Minho’s arm. You clutch it with your hands. He’s with you, he’s here. Minho holds you tightly, bringing your head to his chest. He rocks you slightly as you try to ground yourself. After a few minutes, he slowly detaches you from his hold, getting up from the bed. You’re too tired to ask him why, sending him a questioning look instead. He merely tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear, hand patting your head while telling you to wait.

You sit back against the headboard, as you sleepily try to stay awake.

Hot. It was too hot. You needed air.

You abruptly wake up from the bed, the duvet falling off you. You take one, two, three wobbly steps before you come crashing down on the floor. You wince, rubbing your knee where it hurt from the fall, but the sensation of the cold floor feels nice. You sit there, unmoving, trying to make sense of what just happened. You had a nightmare. A really bad one at that. And you don’t know if you can fall asleep again.

Minho was jolted awake when you were whimpering in your sleep, your entire form trembling. This is the first time he’s seen you going through a nightmare, and he’s grateful that he got to be there for you. What was he supposed to do? You’d like some water, right? He could get you some water. When he returns to the room, glass in hand, he sees you curled up on the marble floor, shivering.

He quickly scoops you up in his arms, and you cling to him like a baby. His lips twitch at that, but he knows better than to tease you in this state. Depositing you on the bed, he brings the glass to your lips as you take in greedy gulps of the water. After you’re done, he wipes your lips and tucks you into bed wordlessly. You don’t have the heart to tell him that you can’t fall asleep. You simply close your eyes and stay still, as he gets back into the sheets, tugs you closer until your foreheads meet, and falls asleep.

But you stay awake. The sounds are too much, the absent hum of the air conditioner, the rustling of the bedcovers, faraway sounds of a vehicle.

You put both your hands into your ears and shut your eyes. When you start to think that maybe you might not get to sleep, Minho starts talking, even as his eyes are closed.

“Do you think maybe we should change the curtains tomorrow?”

You’re confused. You respond with a meek “Huh?”

“The curtains. We put them on during spring, I think we can put up different ones for winter. We can decorate the whole house too, if you’d like.” Minho’s voice drowns out the rest of the incessant noise. The rhythm of your heart stutters, then starts again.

He was trying to talk you to sleep. And it was working. Your eyes slowly drift shut, even as you fight to stay awake. You love him, so much. And you want to let him know.

You tap him thrice on the arm. I love you. You do it again. You hope he understands.

He opens on eye to look at you, confused. You tap him again, I love you. Maybe it was your sleep riddled brain, but you swore you felt him tap you back, a smile adorning his face.

v. I don’t want an epilogue. I just want to wake up with you, for the rest of my life.

Weeks pass by, and the leaves outside droop and fall, painting the ground yellow and crimson. Soon enough, as the world outside begins to be covered in snow, your life slowly becomes coloured in the shades of love.

The hues of your love were mellow, but not monochromatic. They were the colour of the sea in spring, when both of you were feeling blue, wordlessly being with each other. They were the colour of his warm eyes, whenever the both of you sat on the kitchen counter, hands trying to eat popsicles before they melted, even as your teeth chattered. They were the colour of the first rays of sunlight, when his arm reached for your waist and your hands reached for his hair, limbs tangled together under the duvet.

These little moments were your favourite. Because it was just you and him. A thousand thoughts roamed your mind, but the thoughts of him prevailed, always. And you hoped it would be so until the end of time. Until the end of your time.

A/N : Let me know if I should make a prequel or a sequel for this one, since it's not out of my heart yet :)

#minho;oneshot #minho;fluff

[straykidsland]

Hi ele! Ive been following for a while but haven’t sent any requests. Sooo, im here with one:

Dom!Husband!Hyunjin x Sub!Fem!Reader

Reader and hyunjin were cuddling, until things started to get heated.

Tysm!

First but not last ° Hwang Hyunjin

You're needy, really needy so Hyunjin decides to haul you on top of his lap and let you take what you want.

Wc: 993                Genre: smut, 18+ ONLY

Tw: groping, creampie, unprotected sex, sub reader, dirty talk, riding, humping, first time on top, crying, reader cums quickly, sub space, hints at after care, let me know if I missed something!

AN: Reblogs and comments are always welcome and very highly appreciated! If you want to be tagged on my work go on my masterpost!

Lazy Sundays with your husband were the best. Laying down on the couch, watching stupid tv shows and cuddling together- your skin on his, his warmth enveloping you. Unfortunately these types of days were very rare. Both of your schedules were very hectic so whenever you had free time you always decided to stay in and bask in each other's presence.

The drama on the tv had been playing for hours, it was an old one that you and Hyunjin had particularly liked and rewatched religiously. Hyunjin's big, warm hand ran up and down your naked back under your t-shirt. It was something he did habitually, nothing new, but there was something about his touch that day. His fingertips sent sparks through your whole body. Goosebumps rose on your back in an irregular pattern. Sweat collected on the back of your neck and your breath was shallow. It was impossible that your husband hadn't noticed but he remained focused on the tv. 

Your panties had begun to stick to your core uncomfortably and not even the squishing and rubbing of your plush thighs did anything to alleviate your ache.

When you started to squirm and wriggle, Hyunjin turned to look at you.

“What is it, my love?” his voice and his eyes were sweet as always when he talked to you. A whine escaped your lips, your head buried in his chest.

“Jinnie, I need you,” you whined and panted.

“You need me baby?” 

Your lower lip trembled and your eyes welled with tears, it was a pitiful sight, but Hyunjin loved it when you got desperate like this. You nodded.

“Then come get what you want, my sweet,” Hyunjin hadn't even finished his sentence that he was hauling you into his lap and pushing your clothed pussy onto his hard length. Your lips formed an O as you felt him pressed up onto you.

“But I've never…” your confidence wavered.

“It's time you learn, you're a big girl, baby,” Hyunjin saw the insecurity in your eyes, “you're gonna be fine baby, just do what feels good for you and you'll do great,” he reassured you.

You hummed at his words, he never would have lied to you. With that your husband pressed your pelvises back together again, your pussy pulsed and gushed. With small uncertain movements, you started grinding on him, back and forth. His dick twitched in his boxers and grew even harder, a wet patch of precum stained his underwear. 

Hyunjin's eyes twinkled with love as he gazed up at you. You were beautiful, like a queen on her throne. 

The movement of your hips had started to get more and more frantic, arousal and pleasure clouded your mind.

“Shit, slow down, my love, you're gonna hurt yourself,” his voice was shaky, the proof of the unfathomable pleasure you were making him feel. His hands gripped the juncture between your torso and your thighs, his fingers digged into the flesh of your ass, effectively stopping your movements.

“Hyunjinnie, inside, please, I need you inside, please, inside, inside,” you kept bubbling, your forehead resting on Hyunjin's shoulder. Your husband gently patted your ass and lifted you up and shaky legs to free his dick from its confines. When he finally sheathed himself inside you, a high pitched cry came out of your mouth and he sighed in pleasure. Your pussy hugged him perfectly, your velvety warm walls felt almost comforting to him.

“You can move, baby, try rocking your hips back and forth.*

Hyunjin didn't even have to repeat himself that you started to furiously hump him, searching for your Hugh and your high only. Small ‘huh’s were the only sounds coming from you while Hyunjin threw his head back and panted loudly at your actions. Your slick dripped down his balls and the wet sounds you were making echoed and bounced of the walls.

“My little lover humping me like a dumb puppy. You're making me feel so good, do you feel good, my muse?” Hyunjin's voice was husky and sensual, it went straight to your pussy and made a ring of white cream collect around Hyunjin's girth.

“I can't, Jinnie, I can't,” you whined pathetically.

“Aw, baby, do you need me to touch your little clit? Get it all wet as well? Rub you until you're all sore?” You didn't have to answer, he wasn't looking for an answer. His long and warm fingers found your clit and began rubbing and pinching roughly just how you liked. The pleasure downed all you all at the same time and in an instant you could feel your high approaching. It was one of the fastest and most powerful orgasms you had ever reached, never in your life you had gotten so worked up so fast but then again never in your life had you been on top. 

Your humping sped up and Hyunjin knew you were close, after the years spent together you were like an open book to him. The hand that was resting on waist reached under your t shirt and pinched your right nipple, hard. You wailed.

Your high washed over you in mere seconds, leaving you panting and exhausted, but Hyunjin hadn't cum and you had to stay awake. 

“Jinnie please, cum in me, please I want it inside, I want to be full of you,” you babbled tiredly. Hyunjin started thrusting into you strongly, you could feel him hit your cervix every time. The pleasure mixed with the pain and you slipped into that dimension where everything is made of cotton and the world feels soft. 

Your husband reached your high shortly after you, his cum shot deep into your womb and filled you up to the brim. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” you kept repeating. Hyunjin's tired hands lifted up and started petting your hair lovingly, trying to ground you.

“It's all right baby, you're safe with me. Let's get you cleaned up okay?”

#hyunjin;oneshot #hyunjin;smut

[straykidsland]

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updated as of December 22nd, 2022

[straykidsland]

the storm.

a/n: happy (early) birthday to my shining star xian @forlix i love you so much i ache with it. i love this universe you've created and i love your characters and your beautiful, beautiful mc that i'm so happy you've let me play with.

warnings: unprotected sex, fingering, teasing, pretty tame for me tbh! many big emotions. wc 2.7k. hurt/comfort sex between two people who love each other.

pairing: hwang hyunjin x afab!reader, she/her!reader, based off of xian's lovely crying lightning (you can read this as a stand alone but why would you? xian's fic is phenomenal. please read it.)

as beautiful and wonderful and kind and patient hyunjin is, it’s hard to forget sometimes that his general presence is still exceptionally infuriating sometimes. the days of your loneliness, before the two of you had finally come together into one woven cord instead of two strings dancing alongside one another, were all but a distant memory. overriding that was the smell of his skin in the morning, the glint in his eye when he catches yours across the cameras and fans, the warm weight of his hand steady on the small of your back, protective and possessive. all you knew now was the cracking of lightning across a stormy sky, raindrops hitting your face in a welcome intrusion to your mundane day to day. 

the all expanse of the storm did its job well of making you forget that sometimes the raindrops were irritating, too. 

they came in the form of him opening one eye slowly as you tried to swipe shadow across his lid, upsetting your plan and making you double back once you’ve scolded him; the air moving around you as he walks away from you after teasing you one too many times; the sound of his laugh when he’s behind the camera of someone, making eyes at the lens that should have been reserved for you only. each one was a piercing cold drop of water to your face, piercing as they fall and sliding down to form a puddle at your feet. 

it didn’t escape your notice that you weren’t upset at him, really; it wasn’t his fault that you were spiteful. even thinking the word makes you shiver in disgust - this isn’t you. you had never been one to let your feelings affect your actions, you selfishly prided yourself in your ability to compartmentalize, but he had this hold on you that made you experience things you never thought were possible. 

he, of course, finds the entire show encompassingly amusing. you could see the mirth in his eyes from across the room when he meets yours, recognize your own expression in them like a mirror and it made your scowl deepen in it’s permanence. you almost wish for the time when he didn’t know of your affection for him; the surety in his step when he makes you frown is maddening, overshadowed by the smugness he holds in knowing he could make you smile with greater ease. let it be known that you didn’t lack in confidence - your spine is stood high, head held with authority and feet planted firmly on the floor. envy wasn’t something that ever crawled up your legs like ivy over an ancient grecian statue. jealousy, even, seemed too harsh a sentence for your current charge. to put it simply, you were annoyed. 

he knows this, of course. he knows you, inside and out, and on your best days it’s a rare gift that you treasure, hidden away in the deepest corners of the closet that is your heart. on your worst days it’s utterly terrifying, the feeling of being laid out to shrivel in the sun with no chance of respite. and wasn’t it ironic that the one thing that made you feel this way was the one that cured you too?

it’s with an embarrassing amount of pleasure that you remind yourself that you are the one he goes home with, at the end of the day. you’re cleaning up your station and you hear his laugh in the background, not directed at you but ringing like sweet bells nonetheless. every brush that returns home into your kit, every lip product that gets swiped into a bag, every charcoal pencil is the ticking of time that needs to pass before he is yours again. simply yours, not belonging to the cameras or the managers or the staff whose stare linger on him for longer than they should be allowed to. 

you knew where your talents were - in your art, your ability to read people, your creativity and your drive for perfection. these uncharted waters were not in your skillset, but as hyunjin stalks across the room to reunite with you after what seemed like hours, you took a moment to be grateful that it seemed to be in his. putting yourself in someone else’s hands, feeling the level of trust that you had for him, sent a tingle up your spine, but if anyone was going to take care of you it was him; the thought soothes you like a balm, not enough to be permanent but enough to get you by for now.

“missed me that much?” he crowds into your space to press a light kiss to your hairline, expertly moving his body so that no one could see. “i’ve only been shooting for an hour.”

“keep talking and you’ll get shot,” you mutter, ignoring the heat that rises up to your cheeks as you turn from him to gather your things, aching to be home and in his arms and away from prying stares. his heat is still pressed up against your back, standing as close as he could while still letting you move freely. as much as you want to drag him into some secluded hallway and refamiliarise yourself with the taste of his skin, you had to pull out your endless supply of restraint. getting caught with your hand down his pants in a building that you frequented often was not an outcome that you wished to experience, at least not today. 

his hand is warm on the small of your back as he walks you out a series of doors and stairs to the parking garage, the sound of your shoes bouncing off of the walls a bit jarring. 

“you looked nice today,” you tell him, honest, as he slides into the passenger seat of your car. the worn seats smell like his cologne and his old bracelet hangs from the rearview mirror - god, even your car was reminding you of how much of your life he encompassed - not that you were complaining about that. 

“that was all you,” pride drips from his voice and you catch his soft gaze when you turn to look behind you so you could back out of your parking spot. 

“i may have helped, but it’s still your face,” you counter, hand busy on the gear shift, as eager as your heart was to finally get home. 

“if i didn’t know you, i would have thought you were obsessed with me,” he says, the biting tease dripping off his tongue like citrus. “with the way you were staring at me, back there.”

“i’ll make you walk home,” you tighten your grip on the steering wheel despite the threat being empty. he knows which threads to tug on without unraveling you, playing you with his words like it was muscle memory. 

“you’d make me walk?” he gasps theatrically, pressing his palm to his chest and fluttering his eyes at you. “what if i get kidnapped, or mugged? how would you live with yourself?”

“you’re an idiot,” you deadpan, cursing the betraying fondness that rises up in you. 

“your idiot,” he grins stupidly, settling his hand on your thigh as he watches the streetlights shine across your face as you drive. his touch is scalding, long fingers pressing into your very nerves and leaving them flayed out. 

“yeah, remember that,” you retort, and you hope he thinks you mean the idiot part. 

the remainder of the short drive home was spent in comfortable silence, hyunjin tapping away on his phone with his free hand as you speeded down the freeway. when you park you let out a sigh and your keys jangle in melancholy along with you when you take them out of the ignition. hyunjin presses his fingers into your thigh in a final squeeze before he exits the car, long legs carrying him over to your door before you could blink to open it for you. 

walking up the stairs to your third story apartment never felt more relaxing, the breath they stole from you a necessary tax to pay to enter the comfort of your own walls. 

you pull him to the bedroom as soon as you walk through the front door, dropping your things in the foyer with as much care as you could muster. 

it takes you a couple of seconds to push him to sit up against the headboard, a couple more for him to complain about it, and less than that for you to climb into his lap and press a searing kiss to his lips. 

he opens himself to you, open mouth curved into a smile as you lick into it. you taste the coffee you had made for him this morning, the croissant he had eaten during a break, the gloss that you had carefully dabbed across his plush lips. 

you want him, no one else could have him. how could you feel this much possessiveness over someone you already hold as yours?

his hands circle your waist and his thumbs press into your skin, holding you against him even as you pull away from him. his lips are left glistening red and he looks up at you with a kind of reverence that you don’t think you’ll ever get used to. 

“slow, angel,” he moves his thumbs in slow circles. “i’m not going anywhere.” 

“hyune,” you gasp, going lax against him. you’re far too drained to pretend that your entire body didn’t ache for him. “need you.”

“i know,” he shushes you, trailing his fingers up and down your spine. he loves to tease but he’d never do so at your expense; he must sense that your emotional turmoil is bubbling into the direction of a vortex. “you have me. take what you need, baby.”

the reminder that he was yours, though wholly unneeded, sounds so sweet to your ears. your fingers slide up his chest, twisting into the button at his collar and popping it open with practiced ease. you peel the panels of material off of him to expose his sun-kissed skin, abdominal muscles tensing with how he’s holding back from jerking up into your lap. 

“what does my baby want, hmm?” he says, voice catching when your hands slide over his chest and brush over his nipples. he groans when you roll one between your fingers and the sound of it makes your heart soar.

“i want you to shut up and take your pants off,” you back off of him to rid yourself of your own clothes, folding them into a neat little pile at the foot of the bed. he shows no such care for his own, kicking off his pants and boxers throwing them along with his shirt across the room. his hungry eyes stay on you the whole time, shining with excitement as if it was the first time he was witnessing you undress.

you climb back over him as fast as humanly possible, the feeling of his bare skin against yours like an eternal gift. you grind down against him, his rapidly hardening cock sliding between your folds and his head catching against your clit. you’re wet, of course you are; you have been since his hand was on your thigh on the car ride home you moan and duck your head, a little embarrassed by how affected you are by such a simple motion.

he braces himself on his elbow as other hand moves to your hairline, brushing a few strands back behind your ear on it’s path towards cupping the back of your neck. he moves closer, lips so close to yours that you can almost taste them again, but before they meet you’re feeling the earth’s weight shift and your own balance break. 

“i want to take care of you,” he explains when you look up at him in a daze, dizzy from how quickly he had flipped you underneath him. “let me?”

“i thought i told you to shut up,” you were breathless but the permission still rang true under your words. you’d let him do whatever he wanted, how could you deny such a sweet request?

he grins something wicked as one of his hands slides down your chest towards your lower belly. his fingers part your folds easily and you feel so exposed even though he wasn’t looking. he decidedly keeps his mouth shut even as whines begin to spill from your lips, your eyes fluttering closed as a familiar burning sensation starts to take over your body. 

he alternates between rubbing gentle circles into your clit and teasing his fingers at your entrance, so close to dipping inside but not quite. he ducks his head to mouth at your neck, sucking a constellation of marks into your skin until you’re panting into his hair and shaking apart in your orgasm. 

he gives you a moment to recover, waiting patiently until you open your eyes to see his fond smile aimed at you. 

“what’s that look for?” the snark is completely absent in your voice post-orgasm, and it almost comes out dreamy. 

“i can’t even look at you now?” he breaks his unspoken vow of silence to ask. “i can’t help myself. i have the most gorgeous person walking this earth underneath me, looking at you is the tamest thing i can do to you.”

the blood returns to your cheeks as you take in his words. you don’t respond because you didn’t know how; what could you even say to that? he doesn’t seem to mind as he moves impossibly closer to you, leaning a bit of his weight against you. it’s not too much, just enough that you could feel his chest moving with his breaths. he lines his cock up to your entrance, his hips flush against yours as he slowly pushes in. 

you let out a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding when he enters you fully, every inch settling your frustration as it flows out of you along with the air in your lungs. this feeling was worth all of it, the early mornings and the onlookers and the sharing of him when all you wanted to do was lock him away for you and you alone.

he loves you. he was so in love with you that it poured out of his very being, in his gentle touch and the slide of his lips against yours and the slide of his cock against your walls. each drag of his hips sends burning pleasure up your spine, licking flames against your vertebrae until you can’t move. 

you’re so drunk on him that you lose track of time, all of your senses falling away until hyunjin is the only thing you can feel, see, touch. you lose your words, unintelligible syllables trying to shape his name falling from your lips, pressed against the skin of his neck and floating to his ears in a sweet symphony. 

it isn’t long before you’re falling apart underneath him, electricity crackling between you as fucks you through your orgasm. he gathers you in his arms as he tumbles over the edge after you, folding himself over you so he can kiss you, and you don’t realize that you were crying until his cheeks come back glistening with salty water. 

“god, i love you,” and to this day it still feels like a heavy declaration, the words never diminishing their weight despite the number of times they’ve fallen off of his tongue. “you are everything to me.”

“hyunjin,” is all you can say, but you know he reads between the curved letters of his name. i love you too, you mean the world to me, what would i be without you. 

he cares for you like the cracked piece of porcelain that you are, light fingertips tracing along the tear tracks on your cheeks that move to turn you on your side so you could smush yourself into his chest. your hand rests right above his heart, and if you looked close enough you could see the static sparks of electricity that connect the two of you together. 

#hyunjin;oneshot #hyunjin;angst smut

[straykidsland]

connected

bang chan x reader, 0.4k words, no warnings — fluff, comfort. taglist form.

a/n : made a little comfort fic for those who needed it :) i hope you enjoy 💌

“Ah.” 

Chan smiles at the scene before him. It left him in a stupor when no one responded to him after he called your name several times upon arriving at the doorstep earlier, assuming you'd already slept. He swears he feels his heart melt after seeing you in a state like this, your head resting under your arm, with papers, pens, and highlighters scattered all over your desk. Your tablet is still on, playing faint music that seemed to disconnect from your headphones earlier. He feels his heart might burst right at this moment after seeing the title of the song playing on the lock screen of your tablet — connected.

“I think I might pass out right at this spot,” he says to himself. There's something lovely about your disheveled state. The bare, vulnerable side you show him every time you find yourself in a state like this – eyes all baggy and hair still messy from yesterday. He's convinced of the depth of your trust, seeing how willingly you reveal your vulnerable side to him – and all he desires is to shield you and tenderly care for you each time you reveal this part of yourself. He would stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you he’s not afraid of your dark.

He gently lifts you from your chair, carrying you to the shared bed. You almost stir awake, but he tries his best not to wake you up.

“Shh, love, it’s me. You’re okay. You fell asleep at the desk,” Chan gently calms you down – and you swear his voice resonates like a melody played by the angels themselves.

“What… what time is it?” you rub your eyes, your voice still coated with sleep.

“Time for you to sleep,” he smiles softly, leading both of you to the bedroom.

He then gently lays you on the soft mattress of the cozy bed, where the two of you share your most affectionate moments, reminding you of the constancy of his love. He tenderly covers you with the comforting sheets of the duvet, feeling your soul sink into the embrace of the bed. You swear you've never felt such serenity before, longing for this moment to last an eternity.

“I’ll clean your desk tomorrow, so don’t worry about anything.” Chan gently pulls you closer, running his fingers through your hair as he wraps his arms around your waist.

He gazes at your sleeping face, all peaceful and serene. A smile tugs at his lips as he slowly contemplates what he did to deserve someone like you in his arms, in his life, even. He presses a tender kiss to your forehead, fingers tracing your side. Soon after, he joins you in dreamland.

“Jalja, baby.”

taglist : @agi-ppangx @bluethemoments @ashracha @wonootnoot @skzstarnet @straykidsland @k-labels

⋆ taetr4ck, est may 2023. / requests open

#chan;oneshot #chan;fluff

[straykidsland]

slow

– in which it's yn's & jisung's first time together. jisung gets a little too in to it!

pairing | han jisung x fem reader

genre | friends to lovers, fluff, smut – 18+ is strongly advised!

cw | established relationship , small mention of anxiety , jisung & reader are not inexperienced, its their first time being intimate together , masturbation (m) , dirty thoughts , orgasm denial , pet names , love bites , biting , grinding , jisung is rough at the start , safe word used , breast & nipple play , oral sex (m & f rec) , protected sex (p in v) , aftercare

words | 7.6k ~ ( 7,630 )

notes | it's been a while.. i still dont feel 100% on this site rn but i wanted to post a lil something! also, this was requested a hella long time ago! don’t forget to leave feedback, reblog and tell me what you think here. curious as to what is next? here is my wips list! i hope you all enjoy! ‹3

m.list — you can also read it on my ao3

dont repost. dont translate. minors, ageless & default blogs; dni! feedback and reblogs are highly advised and appreciated!

you never thought you could ever be so in love with a human being, yet here you are, smitten by none other than han jisung.

you’ve read and watched about love, soulmates, marriage, sex, all that type of stuff in movies and books. you never believed in the soulmate's thing or the ‘red string of fate’. you simply thought it was a gimmick to hook the audience into whatever media consumption they were consuming.

but alas, here you are. as you look at your lover and soak in every single precious detail of him, you slowly understand the meaning of soulmate's. your heart thumps every time you hear him speak, stomach fluttering every time you watch him fill his cheeks up with food like a squirrel.

you met jisung by chance. you both were attending a beginners painting course at your local community center. it was a chance for you to step out of your comfort zone and meet new people, possibly make new friends too.

you were nervous to begin with and possibly overwhelmed too. new faces, sounds and smells. you were overstimulated and the raging feeling of anxiety activated your fight-or-flight mode.

luckily for you, jisung noticed and instantly calmed you down. he spoke to you in a gentle and soft manner. he made corny jokes to help relax you and ease your mind. you only just met him and yet, you felt instantly connected to him – like you've known him your whole life.

he mentioned that the teacher, who's name you learnt was hyunjin, was a very good friend of his and that you didn't have anything to worry about. you explained that you're a terrible artist and know nothing at all to which jisung replied “me too! let's be terrible together, yeah?” 

that day was the most fun you've had in a long time. the anxiety you felt disappeared as soon as jisung approached you. you both created god awful paintings but they left you in tears of laughter and by the end of the session, you were sure you developed a six pack due to how sore your stomach muscles were hurting from laughing too much.

you could say that you both acted like two high schoolers goofing around in class. hyunjin did tell you and jisung off but he was just happy that his friend was able to find someone just like him.

you and jisung exchanged contact details. calling and texting each other 24/7. it started off small and sweet, telling each other about your day, telling one another to eat well and stay hydrated. sending pictures of things you both think the other would like.

you didn't realise or consider that your feelings for jisung were slowly becoming a lot more than ‘just friends.’ you couldn't explain it at the time. you couldn't understand why you felt so giddy every time you saw his name pop up on your phone screen. you didn't understand why you wanted to scream and shout every time he sent you a comfy selfie. you didn't understand why your heart raced and why you felt the urge to spend every single second of every hour with him and when he wasn't calling or texting you, that you felt sad and empty.

you simply put it down to the fact that you've never had a close friend before, especially of the opposite sex. you mistook your feelings for love as that of excitement and joy.

however, it wasn't until you saw a picture of him with someone else on a night out, did you finally understand.

the jealousy you felt that night turned you bitter and cold. it turned you into something that you didn't recognise within yourself. you did act a little distant towards him the next day and poor jisung didn't have a clue as to why.

one thing about jisung that you've learnt since knowing him, is that he is very good at getting you to talk about things you don't want to.

“do you think the reason you feel like this could be related to something much more? something you haven't quite figured out yet.”

as soon as jisung sent those messages to you, did you reflect and come to terms that you have fallen in love with your best friend. once that was evident, you had a whole new problem.

what if jisung doesn't feel the same as you? what if it affects the friendship between you both?

with so many questions rushing in your mind, you unintentionally ghosted jisung and he noticed.

he noticed the dry messages. the one liners. he noticed that you didn't seem all too interested anymore. yeah, it filled him up with anxiety because he wondered if he'd done anything or said anything to upset you.

instead of letting his mind run away with negative thoughts, he made the bold decision to go to your apartment and talk it out.

it was a day you'd never forget. it was a day that started off angsty and slowly turned into something magical.

you talked with each other and you confessed through your tears. you sobbed and sobbed, worry shaking your entire existence. jisung hugged you tight, his scent calmed your nerves. once calm, did he too also confess and that was the beginning of something you both cherish to this day.

you both agreed to start of slow. neither of you are inexperienced however, going from being ‘just friends’ to boyfriend girlfriend is a whole new feeling.

you're seeing each other in a new light, learning new things about one another. everything is so different, everything feels different. it feels like your relationship with jisung is starting all over again. what you thought you knew about him, turns out to be completely different.

you went on many dates and outings. you held hands multiple times and cuddled a lot. you both even exchanged sweet pecks on the cheeks before kissing each other. however, you both never did anything intimate with one another.

not because you weren't ready or inexperienced, it's a simple matter of the timing doesn't feel right. you (and jisung) both want to be with each other more, spend more time with one another and learn about each other before taking that massive (and vulnerable) step in the relationship.

not one of you pestered or pressured the other about it. it's as if you both silently just knew. at first you were a little anxious about not having sex with him right away and jisung felt the same, however, as time went on and you both started to find comfort in each other as well as understand one another via social/physical cues, did the anxieties slowly disappear.

that's not to say that you don't feel some kind of lust for him. jisung is exactly the same, thinking and feeling like you. some days he wishes he could just ravish you. when you look that extra gorgeous or do something cute that makes his heart skip, he wishes he could just drag you back to his place and indulge in you.

there have been many times that he's masturbated over you. date nights he would find himself going home, straight to his bedroom and his fist around his throbbing cock. his mind plagued with dirty thoughts of you, imagining you in your date attire.

some nights he wants to ruin you. his hand funnelling for his phone as his other is wrapped around his cock and squeezing tightly to deny himself of his orgasm. it hurts and the longer he waits, the more it hurts him but it makes his toes curl and body shakes with excitement.

he doesn't know how long he can go on like this. he knows patience is a virtue but just everything about you is driving him insane. the more time goes on, the more he becomes impatient. the more it builds and builds until it feels like he is suffocating with an intense amount of lust.

luckily for him, he won't have to wait that long.

“thank you for tonight, sungie.” you smile as you stand on the doorstep of your home. jisung hums softly, his hands in his suit pants pockets.

“my pleasure. i hope you enjoyed the meal.”

“i enjoy your company more than anything.” you feel your cheeks heat up slowly. the tips of jisung's ears slowly turn red at your cute confession.

“i – ahm – i shall bid you goodnight then, darling.” as he turns on his heels, he is abruptly stopped by you grabbing his wrist. he looks up at you, a look of confusion on his face, his brows furrowed together.

“what’s the mat–”

“stay the night.” you blurt out in one sentence. 

his heart stops beating for a second. your cheeks pink as the grip on his wrist is tight. heat rushes down south and his mouth becomes dry. 

“darling, what are you trying to say? do you know what will happen if i stay the night?” he takes your hand gently from his wrist, intertwining his fingers with yours as he walks close to you. 

you become fixated on him and your senses become heightened. your throat becomes dry as jisung holds your hand whilst his other wraps around your waist, pulling you flush against his body.

you become hyper aware of the situation; of him! you swallow thickly, jisung's plump lips curled up at the corners in a smirk as they glisten from his saliva. 

“you are aware, correct?” he whispers. his voice is husk and his breath fans against your lips. you nod slowly, unable to speak. you worry that jisung would be able to hear your racing heartbeat. his cologne tickling your nostrils and intoxicating you. 

you've never been this close to him before. you can see every single detail of his skin up close and personal. his grip on your waist tightens ever so slightly as he shakily lets out a slow breath.

he brings the back of your hand to his lips, pressing them against your skin as he peers up at you through his lashes. you feel warmth flooding your body, butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

“god you're so beautiful.” he mumbles before kissing each of your fingers individually. “do you want to, darling?”

“i–” you stumble over your words.

“tell me. let me hear your pretty voice.” his hand escapes your waist to be pressed against your flush cheek. you instantly lean into his palm, feeling yourself be swayed by his charms.

“i-i want you, ji.” you whisper as your eyes flutter close. with a small huff, you feel jisung leaning closer to you and within a second, his soft lips are against yours in a slow and rhythmic kiss.

it's different. it feels different. it's not a simple peck or a good night kiss. it's a kiss that is filled with built up fiery passion. jisung has finally been given the go ahead and he can feel it all overflowing and seeping out.

he grips your hand, eyes fluttering closed as his brows scrunch together. you tilt your head to the side a little, lips locking and caressing one another. he presses his body against yours, your back hitting your door which causes jisung to snake his arms around your back and hold you firmly in his arms.

your own arms wrap around his neck, keeping him close to you as possible. the way jisung is kissing you is making you feel lightheaded and deprived of oxygen – but you don't want to escape from his grasp.

the cold night air fans against your hot cheeks, failing to bring down your body temperature. you feel the tip of his tongue glide along your bottom lip, silently pleading for permission. you grant it by parting your lips and letting your own tongue caress with his.

your body fills with tingles of excitement, your abdomen fluttering. jisung's suit pants are starting to feel a little tight. he can feel himself slowly melt into you, his mind turning foggy. he's waited all this time to taste you and now he finally has you, he doesn't want to escape and let you go.

“taste so sweet.” he mumbles for a split second to allow some air to resume into his lungs. you don't have a chance to reply because his lips are instantly back on yours, tongue caressing and colliding with yours. melting at the touch.

your heart thumps against your chest so loudly, you can hear it in your ears. your body trembles with excitement but also another feeling that you can't quite put your finger on.

you hear jisung fumbling behind you, his hand coming into contact with the cold door handle. with his lips still locked onto you, he opens the door and slowly pushes you inside. once inside, he kicks the door closed with his foot as you both stumble whilst taking off your shoes.

you're the first to pull away from his lips much to his dismay. you look at the man that stands before you and notice that he looks and feels different. he no longer feels soft and gentle. his eyes are hazy but darkened with hunger and lust. his cheeks are pink and lips swollen and glistening with saliva. you see his chest rising up and down with every breath and his neat hair now dishevelled.

“where?” his words dripped with a hint of impatience. you swallow a little and chew your lip gently.

“we can go to my room?” you press your lips together in a thin line. you're suddenly aware that jisung is in your home, in your space and it's making you nervous as hell! jisung notices you trembling a little so he places one hand on your shoulder whilst the other is used to lift your chin up gently so you're looking at him.

“are you sure?” his voice is now soft and gentle, the same softness you've grown accustomed too. “we don't ha–”

“i want to!” you blurt out causing jisung to widen his eyes slightly before chuckling to himself. “just give me a few seconds. i need to go to the restroom.”

he gives you a gentle smile and nods. as you go to the restroom, you tell jisung the directions to your bedroom in case he wants to sit and wait and whilst he does, he takes his time looking around your place.

he makes a mental note how it's just like you. how every piece of decoration resembles you in one way or another. he walks to your bedroom, cautiously sitting on your bed as he waits for you.

as he waits, he suddenly becomes hyper aware of where he is. he can smell you. the same lavender scent that emits from your clothing is now tickling his nostrils. his lips part as he lets out small, shaky puffs of air.

“fuck.. this is bad.” he mumbles as he unbuttons the first few buttons of his dress shirt. his body temperature skyrocketing, skin glistening in sweat as your scent continues to hug him deliciously.

meanwhile, you're in the restroom giving yourself a pep-talk. the coolness of the ceramic sink feels soothing against your hot palms.

you're nervous. you've never been this nervous before. it feels like you could throw up. you want to run and hide but the desire you have for him is too strong. you want him and he wants you, it's just because it's all new that you feel like this.

however, you can't shake that hungry look from jisung's eyes away from your mind. he looked like an animal, ready to pounce on you at any second. 

you take a few deep breaths in and slowly release before fixing your hair. “you got this yn.” you mumble to your reflection before walking out of the restroom into the bedroom.

jisung looks up at you and gives you a grin. his legs are spread, hair pushed back with the buttons of his dress shirt still open, giving you a glimpse of his honey smooth skin you've been dying to caress.

he pats his inner thigh, silently beckoning you forward. like a puppet on a string, you feel yourself being pulled towards him. you stand between his legs, his hands on your waist gently as he strokes it with his thumb.

you glance at him, soaking in how beautiful and flush he looks. he tilts his head to the side, his bangs covering his eyes and his lips curl into a smirk as he sees your eyes flicker from his face to his crotch.

“like what you see?” 

your eyes widen and you feel heat rush to your cheeks. your brain melts and your ability to speak fails. words lodged in your throat and all you can muster is broken sentences.

jisung laughs at your flustered state, pulling you onto his lap. he pulls you flush on his crotch, chest to chest. his arms wrapping around your back and holding you close and he nuzzles into the crook of your neck.

the tips of his hair tickle your cheeks. hot, shaky breaths fanning against your skin as you feel your clothing being bundled up into jisung's hands.

“fuck, i’m in trouble. you’re too cute.” you giggle, your fingers caressing his soft hair. the tips of your fingers rake against his scalp and jisung closes his eyes slowly. his lips brush against the skin of your neck before being pressed against it. 

he starts off slow and gentle at first, peppering and sucking gently. but that soon fades.

you feel his teeth graze against your skin and your breath hitches in your throat. you bite your bottom lip gently before whimpering a little as his teeth dig into your neck. you squeeze your eyes shut, enduring the stinging sensation as you hold your breath. 

his kissing and sucking quickly becomes rough and painful. you grip onto jisung as his hands trail down your back to hold your waist. he grips onto you, moving your hips back and forth on his crotch.

when he pulls away from your neck, do you realise exactly what is happening and why you feel so anxious.

this isn't your first time but with how rough jisung is being is making you feel scared. the kind, gentle man you're so accustomed to is nowhere to be seen. his eyes are darkened, half-lidded. kiss bitten and swollen lips glistening in saliva.

his jaw clenches as he grips onto you forcefully. his mind has fogged over and he is purely chasing his own high. his body is being driven by the intense lust and hunger that had been building for months.

he's a different person and it's scaring you.

“h-hey. why don't we take i–” your attempt at trying to calm him down and bring him back to you cut short due to jisung throwing you onto the bed.

your back is hit with the bouncy mattress, the springs squeaking from impact. you watch jisung kneel between your legs, hands fumbling with the rest of the buttons of his shirt before it's quickly discarded to the side leaving him in nothing but his dress pants.

you wish you could enjoy the beautiful sight before you but you simply can't. you've seen jisung's body numerous times via gym or thirst selfies, seeing it in the flesh and glistening in a thin layer of sweat is a different experience and you so wish you could enjoy it.

“ji–” your eyes widen as he leans down and kisses you. it's not the same as before, it's rough. all teeth and tongues with no coordination. you start to panic, palms becoming sweaty and your heart beating against your chest.

this isn't how you imagined your first time to be with jisung. this isn’t what you wanted. you want your passionate, gentle and loving jisung back.

“v-volcano!” you sob. as if a switch has suddenly been switched inside of him, he is fast to get off you. his eyes widen in pure shock at the sight before him. you chew your bottom lip gently, unable to stop a few tears from trickling down your cheeks.

“oh my god. oh no. yn, oh fuck. i’m so sorry!” he reaches down shakily and presses his palm against your cheek. you lean in as you sniffle.

“it’s ok.” you whisper.

“no!” his sudden loud tone of voice makes you jump a little. “it’s not ok. i lost myself in the moment and i made you cry. fuck, i’m an idiot..”

“hey, it's ok.”

“it's not ok yn. i didn't mean to scare you. i've been wanting you for so long that when i finally got you, i lost sight of everything and in the process hurt and scared you.” his voice cracking and shaking. his brown, boba eyes filling with tears.

you sit up and kiss his cheek gently. your lips are met with the salty flavour of his tears. he wraps his arms around you tightly, pulling you into his chest as he sobs.

“i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry. this wasn't how i planned this. fuck i’m so stupid!” he babbles. you hush him softly, stroking his hair slowly. you make a mental note of how he currently reminds you of a lost child, babbling and crying till their red in the face and snotty.

“i’m ok jisung. it did scare me. i saw a side to you that i’ve never seen before and it frightened me but you stopped when i used the safe word and that counts for something.”

“really?” he mumbles against your neck which is currently wet with tears.

“really. it'd be different if you carried on but you didn't. don't beat yourself up about this. this is our first time together.” you pull away slowly, cupping his cheeks. “we’re still learning about one another, darling. intimacy is a big big step in a relationship. it's probably one where we're at our most vulnerable.”

jisung simply nods and looks down, chin into chest as his lips turn into a pout. a few stray tears falling down his cheeks as he sniffles.

he really is like a child you say to yourself mentally before giggling.

“i'm sorry.” he whispers before looking up at you. “can we start all over again?”

you smile softly at him and nod. he leans on, tilting his head to the side and eyes slowly closing as your lips meet again. he is slow, tender and so gentle with you. it sparks butterflies in your stomach and for you to melt and relax into him.

he gently pushes you down so you're resting on your back, the kiss not being broken once. you wrap your arms around his neck and hold him close to you. his fingers dance along your jawline and down your neck, trailing down to your breasts when he gently cups them through the fabric of your clothing.

your breath hitches a little in your throat. he gently massages your breast, kneading it in the palm of his hand. you gasp a little and groan, your legs parting a little bit more to allow more space for jisung to situate himself in.

his hand slowly trails up your stomach from under your clothing. his soft fingers dance along your skin like delicate pixie feet. it leaves a trail of heat and butterflies behind making you longing for more.

jisung licks your lips slowly and is pleased to feel them slowly part. the two wet muscles meet in the middle when they collide, hug and caress. his delicate fingers reach to your breast where he presses his palm on the flesh and wraps his fingers around it gently.

he squeezes your breast a few times, kneading and rolling it slowly. he swallows every gasp and soft moan that falls past your lips.

“god.” he mumbles as he pulls away to bury his face into the crook of your neck. “you sound so beautiful.” 

“i do?” 

“mhm.” jisung's fingers brush over your hardened nipple, causing you to moan softly in shock at the sudden sensation and sensitivity. “see? i might become addicted.”

you flush at his words, your stomach fluttering and heartbeat skipping beats. you worry with how close jisung is to you, that he'd be able to hear and feel how erratic your heart is.

he presses his lips against your neck, kissing it tenderly and giving gentle sucks. his fingers work on your breast whilst you're unsure on what to do with your own. jisung notices this.

“it’s ok. you can touch me.” he chuckles against your neck. you flush red with embarrassment.

“i-i know! i just don't know where..”

“you can caress me. hold me. tangle your fingers in my hair. whatever feels natural, yn.” he pulls away from your neck to kneel up. his hand is off your breast as he takes your hand gently by the wrist. he brings your hand to his lips, eyes on you as he kisses your fingers delicately. “i won't break.”

you watch him kiss your fingers before kissing the back of your hand. then, he takes your wrist gently, guiding it to his cheek. he presses your palm against his flush skin as he leans in, his own hand pressed against the back of yours to keep your hand there.

“it’s ok to touch me, yn. touch me as much as you like. i've been dying for your touch so please, indulge in me. be greedy.” he whispers. 

you can't help the onslaught of butterflies fluttering in your stomach. it feels like they're travelling throughout your whole body, hugging your veins, nerves and tips of your fingers and toes. your breathing becomes shallow and jisung becomes the only thing you see.

everything turns blurry and time passes by slowly as you look at the man that is smitten for you. this love you feel from him, the love that's radiating and seeping from his pores is more than you thought.

it's suffocating but it's good. you want to drown in his love, drown in his warmth. you want to be entangled with him and have him be the only person you think and feel. 

you've noticed it for a while. noticed how hot he makes you feel. how his touch makes your skin burn. how his kisses linger on your skin. your lips automatically turned up in a smile whenever you see his name pop up on your screen. you're always thinking of him and you miss him when he isn't with you. you want to lock him up and never share him with anyone else because you'll get jealous. you want him by your side for eternity.

he is your life, your soul. your present and your future.

“i love you.” 

jisung looks at you, his eyes slowly widening. you haven't registered what you've just said, feeling like you're in a haze.

“say that again.” 

“huh?” you blink, coming back to reality.

“do you mean it? like, truly?” 

“mean what?”

“you said… you said you love me.” your eyes widen as you open and close your mouth like a goldfish, words stuck in your throat.

“i… i…uhm..”

“because–” he cups your cheeks gently. his eyes sparkling and wet as they fill with tears. “because i love you too. so fucking much.” 

your own eyes fill with tears as you watch tears trickle down jisung's cheeks. you laugh softly, stroking them away with your thumb.

“yes. i mean it, ji. i love you.”

“fuck.” he sobs before kissing you sweetly. you laugh in the kiss before kissing his tears away.

“yn.” he mumbles. you hum as a response. “i’m really fuckin' hard.. it hurts..” you press your lips together and glance down.

true to his word you can see a bulge in his suit pants. the fabric hugs him nicely, giving you a brief idea of his size and girth. he looks thick and long.

“please yn.. please do something. i can't bear it no more.” his voice is husk and dripping with lust. it tickles your ears and makes you shake with adrenaline.

you reach down and unbutton his pants, pulling the zip down. it gives him a small sense of relief but it's not enough. he lets out a small sigh before raising up a little on his knees to allow you to pull his pants down.

you do so with shaky hands, pulling them down to his thighs. jisung watches you stare at his crotch, watching you soak in all the information you have right in front of you.

his grey boxer shorts hugging his lower half tightly, the material stretching a little due to his bulge. it hugs him, feeling too snug to be comfortable. a wet patch where his tip is resting turning the fabric a darker grey.

“baby.. you're embarrassing me.” you look up to see jisung looking to the side, his bottom lip being chewed and his cheeks pink.

“sorry! it's just..” you trail off. jisung laughs softly and cups your cheeks.

“it’s ok. i understand.” he kisses your forehead gently. his muscles twitch and jerk as he feels your fingers come into contact with his sides.

you hook your fingers under the waistband of his shorts and slowly pull them down. you both hold your breath, time feeling like it's slowed down. you reveal his happy trail, his neatly trimmed hair until finally, his penis bounces free from its restraints.

jisung sighs heavily in relief, his eyes closing. you, on the other hand, stare at him with your mouth wide open. your hands have now bundled up the fabric of his shorts as you swallow and lick your lips.

you knew he was packing, that was evident in the way you could see it in jeans, pants and even his underwear – but you didn't think he'd be this big.

“holy. you're big.” you say without giving it a second thought. jisung stutters and covers his face with his hands, peering at you through the gap of his fingers.

“not sure if that's a compliment or not but, thank you.” 

“it's a compliment.” you whisper before leaning down.

his hips buck and muscles twitch. you haven't done anything but your breath fanning against his hot skin makes him throb and anticipate. you lick your lips and use the tip of your tongue to lick his tip.

“f-fuck.” he instantly moans. your actions are miniscule but it feels so much more than what it is. maybe it's because he's wanted this for so long or maybe it's because you both confessed and said i love you that makes it feel the way it does.

you press your tongue flat against his tip. your taste buds are met with a salty flavour from his pre-cum. you wrap one hand around the base of his penis as you slowly start to become more confident. you stroke him slowly, rotating your wrist a few times as you wrap your lips around his tip.

he feels hot – so so hot. jisung feels like his skin is burning. he feels like he is drowning in molten lava. he pants as he watches you, his eyes half-lidded and his teeth chewing on his bottom lip.

“hot.” he pants. he reaches down to bury his fingers in your hair. ���ahh, fuck..” his head tilts to the side as you bob your head in time with your hand, giving his penis equal stimulation from both your hand and mouth.

you flatten your tongue to stoke the underside of him. you can feel the bumps from his veins against your palm. you hollow out your cheeks and breath through your nose the best you can. the corners of your mouth start to stretch and sting due to them splitting slightly. your mouth becomes accumulated with saliva which makes it easier for you to take more of him.

“a-ah.. fuck, yes. that's it. god, your mouth is so warm and feels so good.”

his praises and soft moans hug your ears. the deep octa waves of his voice send shivers down your spine and encourage you to be more brave. your eyes flutter shut as you focus all your attention on pleasuring jisung. 

he slowly unravels right before you. a thin sheen of sweat soaking his body as his penis throbs and twitches. he gently tugs on your hair, his hips bucking several times. soft whimpers and moans leave his swollen and parted lips as he slowly becomes dizzy with heat and lust.

jisung reaches down and gently pushes you away from him. you look up at him with a confused expression, eyebrows furrowed together. he strokes your saliva coated lips with his thumb before speaking.

“you're going to make me cum and i don't want to cum just get.” 

you laugh softly but it's quick to become muffled and swallowed by jisung kissing your lips slowly and passionately. you only pull away from a brief second to allow him to undress you.

once stripped of your clothing, you're left in your underwear. just like you did, jisung is currently staring at your body. his mouth agape and eyes filling with love and admiration as he soaks in every single detail of your body.

you become aware of his eyes and feel somewhat violated by his piercing gaze. you cross your arms across your breasts and stomach, feeling embarrassed and vulnerable.

“hey, don't do that.” he whispers softly to you as he gently pries away your arms.

“but it's embarrassing.” you mumble.

“but you're so gorgeous, yn.” you remain silent. you don't know how to respond. he's always showered you with compliments and love, forever telling you how beautiful and pretty you are but it feels different this time and it's making you feel embarrassed and shy.

your thoughts are disrupted by the feeling of jisung kissing your stomach. you watch him, tangling your fingers in his hair. he reaches up and hooks a finger underneath your bra strap as if he's silently asking.

you nod slowly. he grins, showing his teeth and gums. he takes off your bra and discards it with the rest of the clothing. his head dips low and you close your eyes, whimpering as you feel his lips peppering kissing on your breasts.

“so pretty.” he mumbles between each kiss. your hard nipple is caught between his teeth, lips sucking and tongue licking the sensitive nub.

you chew your bottom lip to suppress the moans that are building in the back of your throat. you tremble a little and let out a small pant. jisung notices and releases your nipple to kiss your neck softly and slowly.

“don't hold back your voice. let me hear your pretty moans.”

tingles are being left behind from where jisung has kissed your skin. heat pools in the pit of your stomach and much to jisung's delight, you let go of the moan that had been building in the back of your throat.

“see. told you your moans sound pretty.” his hot breath fanning against your hard nipple before his tongue swipes over it slowly. it gets covered in saliva and slowly becomes sore and sensitive.

the tips of your fingers and toes feel tingly. you feel restless and needy. you want him to hurry up and touch you but at the same time, you want to indulge and embrace the sweet yet tender moment.

he moves from your breast and kisses between them, kissing, sucking and licking your stomach whilst his hair tickles your skin. he stops just above the waistband of your underwear, eyes flicking up to meet your hungry gaze.

you nod and give him the go ahead. he licks his lips and slowly pulls down your underwear, discarding them on the floor. you swallow, feeling nervous and embarrassed now that you're on full display for jisung to see.

he shuffles between your legs, kissing your inner thigh slowly as well as sucking it. he squeezes your soft flesh as he looks at you and keeps eye contact with you. you bite your bottom lip, loving this new side to him. your once innocent looking skin now tainted with purple love bites and goosebumps.

using the tip of his middle finger, he trails it up and down your inner thigh slowly. he looks at your pussy, humming softly as the sight of your soaked folds and swollen clit.

“all this for me?” he whispers as he drags his middle finger to your entrance and gently scoops some of your slick onto it. you nod slowly, unable to speak with how embarrassed you feel. “cute.” he mumbles before licking his finger clean.

he leans down and in, pressing his tongue flat against your neglected bud. your muscles twitch and you gasp as electric like tingles shoot up and down your spine. jisung hums at your reaction, swiping his tongue along your clit.

“j-jisun.. aah!” your eyes flutter close as you press your head onto the pillows. the tip of jisung's tongue is now swirling around your bud, fingers teasing your entrance slowly. he gently sucks on your clit before kitten licking it and moaning softly.

he hooks his arms under your legs, pulling you flush against his face. his tongue slips down to your entrance where he laps at your slick, moaning at the taste and rutting against the mattress. he huffs occasionally, hot breathes fanning against your entrance.

“so good.” he mumbles. you go to reply but a moan replaces your words due to jisung slowly pushing his tongue into your entrance. your warmth encapsulates his tongue, fingers digging into the skin of your thighs. he pushes and pulls his tongue in and out whilst his nimble fingers work on stimulating your clit.

“mhm, fuck. ji don't stop, please.” you moan as you reach down and grab his hair on your hands. you gently tug as your back arches a little. jisung feels your walls flutter on his tongue, your muscles twitching with the stimulation.

your folds get coated in slick and saliva along with jisung's lips and chin. he pulls away for a brief second to catch his breath before resuming back to the task at hand. jisung is thrusting into the mattress, the roughness of the sheets rubbing against his length that's being pressed against his stomach and coating it in his pre-cum.

you feel that all too familiar heat and knot in the pit of your stomach. you gasp and moan, tugging at his hair by the roots. your eyes flutter open and you look up at him as he pulls away, your lips forming a pout.

“i want to carry on, believe me baby but–” he kneels up and between your legs. he looks down and bites his lip. you follow his gaze and press your lips together in a thin line from how hard he is. “it’s painful. i need to be inside of you.”

“o-oh.” you blush. “then, hurry up because i want you.” 

“do you have any protection?” you nod and point to the side drawer by your bed. jisung reaches over you and you take this opportunity to lean up and kiss his neck. jisung grunts and shivers, his lips parting slightly as you gently bite and lick his skin.

“baby.. you're not helping.” 

“shh, just focus on getting a condom.” you purr. jisung's hands fumble around, struggling to open the drawer. when he does, he is met several packs of condoms, lube and some toys.

“i see you're fully stocked up.” he says with a smirk, grabbing a condom and closing the drawer. you feel heat rising to your cheeks.

“there for a friend.” you mumble, averting his gaze. jisung laughs as he opens the condom.

“riiiight, a friend.” 

“shut up.” you whine. “it's better to be prepared.”

“oh i know. that's what i love about you, baby.” you watch him roll the rubber on his length and hold your waist, pulling you closer to him. “ready?”

“i’m ready.”

jisung nods and holds the base of his penis. he guides it to your entrance, rubbing his tip against it and between your folds before slowly pushing in. you both hiss for different reasons.

for him, the warmth and tightness is delicious. you feel so comfy and hot that the heat is spreading throughout his entire body and replacing the blood in his veins with molten lava. he feels his cheeks becoming hot, his palms sweaty and brain feeling like it's melting.

for you, the pain from the stretch burns. you know it'll subside once you get used to him but his thickness is currently the issue. he is being careful and content, going ever so slow for you. he has a little under half his length in and you already feel full.

“it’s not all of it but you're still so tight so we shall go from here.” jisung manages to say through his laboured breaths. he gives you a few minutes to adjust, his hands gripping onto you as he painfully waits.

you give him a nod that tells him it's ok. he starts of slowly, the burn still there but pleasure is soon quick to override it. you reach down and hold onto his wrists as he slowly picks up the tempo. 

his head tilts to the side and his lips part slightly. soft moans and grunts leave his lips. you hold onto him, your body rocking with each thrust of his hips.

“aah fuck. you feel even better than i imagined.” he pants.

“y-you too. please go a little faster and harder.” jisung nods and starts to thrust harder and faster. your back arches as pleasure hugs your body tightly, making you feel like you're suffocating. moans being lodged in your throat.

jisung leans over you, resting on his forearms that are beside your head. the new position allows him to push a little bit of his length deeper inside you but his hips slow down. his movements are long, slow and sensual. 

the ridges of his cock rub your gummy walls, reaching places that have never been touched before. jisung leans down, burying his head into the crook of your neck as you wrap your arms around his neck.

“this feels too good.” his voice is hoarse and low due to his throat being dry from panting. his hair sticks to his skin, the tips coated in sweat as his body glistens.

“it does. you're so deep, ji. please don't stop.” you whisper in his ear, moaning a few times.

“fuck.. you sound so fucking pretty moaning my name. is it even possible to become even more addicted to you?” he kisses your neck slowly and gently. 

your gummy walls tighten around him. both of you reaching your peaks. denying yourselves from previous orgasms meant that it's been building and building up to this point.

“i can't..” you stutter, nail digging into his back.

“me too.. i think i’m at my limit.” you whimper and nod as a response. a few more thrusts and you both orgasm together. your walls flutter around him whilst he twitches and empties into the condom.

you both pant heavily, exhaustion settling in. jisung's arms shake a little, threatening to give up and collapse on top of you. using the remaining strength he has, he pushes himself up and pulls out slowly, taking off the condom, tying and discarding it.

you spread out on the bed, eyes slowly closing. jisung laughs and kisses your forehead gently. he rushes to the bathroom, running a warm bubble bath for you both.

he gently scoops you up in his arms, placing you in the tub before settling behind you. after washing yourselves, you both take a few minutes to relax. you lean into his chest, listening and feeling his steady heartbeat.

“i’m sorry about before..” he mumbles as he strokes your hair slowly. “i became too excited and lost myself in the moment.”

“it’s ok. all's forgiven.” you grin, looking up at him. your grin falters as you look at him. his head dipped low, chin tucked into his chest. his boba eyes glistening as he chews his bottom lip. “hey, it's ok.” 

you spin around to face him in the tub, kneeling uncomfortable in the small tub. you cup his damp cheeks gently, water droplets falling from the tips of his hair. he looks at you and pouts softly.

“but i sca–” you press your lips against his to silence him. his eyes widen a little but he is quick to kiss back.

“i said it's ok. you stopped and you snapped out of it pretty quickly. don't beat yourself up about it, baby. besides–” you push his hair back gently “i enjoyed my first time with you.”

“me too.” his cheeks flush pink, whether from him feeling shy or the humidity of the bathroom. “i’d love to do it with you again.”

“the feelings mutual.” you giggle before kissing his forehead. “now c’mon, let's get to bed. it's been a long night and i’m exhausted.”

jisung agrees and gets out of the tub with you. you both dry yourselves off and get ready for bed. jisung suddenly scoops you up in his arms which causes you to squeal and laugh. he walks to the bed, gently placing you down.

you snuggle into the duvet, watching jisung get in beside you. he faces you, holding your hand gently.

“i love you, yn. i love you so much.” he plays with your fingers as he whispers those sweet and delicate words to you. your heart flutters and skips beats, time freezing for nth time.

“i love you too, ji. forever and always.” 

#jisung;oneshot #jisung;fluff smut

[straykidsland]

APRIL FOOLS TEXTS WITH SKZ !

bf! skz x reader, brief mentions of 'girl' — crack. taglist form.

a/n : based on this! that pin made me cackle so fucking hard 😭 [to those who can't access the link: it's basically you changed the word 'i love you' to 'throw that ass in a circle' on their phone LMFAO] happy april fools day everyone! remember to not prank someone in a harmful way :)

taglist : @agi-ppangx @bluethemoments @ashracha @wonootnoot @skzstarnet @straykidsland @k-labels

⋆ taetr4ck, est may 2023. / requests open

#ot8;smau #ot8;fluff

[straykidsland]

A Kim Seungmin Drabble

"Where were you?"

Word Count: 254 words

Characters: Seungmin X Gender-Neutral Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Triggers/Warnings: None I can think of.

You come in early, and you find your boyfriend as quiet as a mouse, knees tucked together due to the cold.

"Hey" you went to stand in front of him, tucking him into your waist. Seungmin wraps his arms around your waist, head resting on your stomach. He doesn't say a word for long moments. "Why are you so late?" he mumbles, his voice squeezing your heart. "Am I really?" you ponder, eyes going to your watch. You weren't late to meet him. You were two minutes early. "But I'm not." You told him patiently, waiting for him to explain. "You are" he reaffirms, his hold tightening. "I read that soulmates will arrive at the right time, exactly when you need them. So where were you all these years? I missed you." He cries. You were startled, you didn't know what prompted the outburst. But you held him that way until he was strong enough to hold himself.

"You're late" he tells you again over dinner, when you're both clad in much more comfortable clothing, and his tears have dried enough for you to leave trails of kisses on his beautiful face. "And what about it?" You humour him. "For that, I'm subjecting you to be my soulmate in all my lifetimes". You thought your poor heart was going to burst from all the joy it had to suddenly contain. "I accept it wholeheartedly", you give him your acceptance with a raise of your spoon and a loving kiss on his lips.

#seungmin;drabble #seungmin;angst fluff

[straykidsland]

Changbin Drabble 1

The Tortoise and The Hare

A/N: Something I wrote while listening to the Stray Kids song, 'The Tortoise and the Hare' and wanted it to be sweet but now I don't know what this is.

Word Count: 292 words.

Characters: Seo Changbin X Gender-Neutral Reader

Genre: Fluff, Humour

Warnings/Triggers: None I can think of- Oh! Changbin's biceps.

“You know”, Changbin begins, “If we were animals, you’d be a hare, and I’d be a tortoise.” 

You squint and glare at your boyfriend, from your seat across the living room, both from being interrupted from reading a really good fic, and the fact that he basically roasted you after referring to you as the hare from the popular story. 

“Please elaborate.” You give him a sickly-sweet smile while crumpling the empty paper cup you had just finished drinking from. Aggressively, to make sure he hears it.  

“Looking at it, you’re always chasing words and running so fast. Sometimes you run so fast I almost feel like I might lose you out of my sight. But, I’m a tortoise. And I’m nothing if not a winner. I will always be there to catch you. The world is round, isn’t it?”

“I can’t believe you just said something so sweet and here I was ready to throw hands with you”, you offer him a grin and saunter up to him to feel his arms. They feel nice. Amazing actually. 

“Sometimes, I think you spend time with me just for my arms.” He rolls his eyes. 

“Wait, only sometimes? You should know me better than that. I always spend time with you just for your arms.” He shoves you off him like you’re nothing but a stick, and you fall from the couch. His eyes widen, and he immediately scrambles towards the door, holding it in front of him like a shield. You slowly stalk towards him, and he bolts out the door. Maybe you really were a hare, and he was about to be your prey. “Hares are herbivores, right? Please don’t kill me.” Changbin yells, even as he runs farther from you. 

#changbin;drabble #changbin;fluff

[straykidsland]

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Fairytale ౨ৎ lfx

Pairing — Lee Felix x gn!afab reader

WC — 27k (27305)

౨ৎ

Synopsis — He’s trapped in a story of his own and Felix needs you to set him free.

Genre — Friends!to lovers AU, Hurt, Angst, Smut (Minors and blank blogs will be blocked), Fluff

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W — Infidelity, topics of Manipulative and Emotionally abusive relationship, (not from Felix nor the reader), Bad communication, Public sex (no one is around), brief vouyerism, Soft dom!Felix x Sub!reader, Angst, hurt from past experiences, Mutual pining, mentions of alcohol, Solo Masturbation, Oral (M. receiving), handjob (F. receiving), Unprotected sex (bad idea!!).

“What happens after he saves her?”

You and Felix are currently huddled up together, a warm atmosphere created by the lovely fireplace that sat inside of your living room. You both do this almost every weekend, he comes over with a book that he’s read during the week of not seeing you, and when he sees you, he’s telling you all about it. You two have been at this thing for a while now, the first time that you've done this with him being around 2 years ago.

You were new to the city then, having moved away from home due to the stress of your old job and the fact that college just simply wasn’t working out for you anymore. After months of planning and saving, you were eventually able to run away from that old life and start anew in a city that you’ve dreamed about living in since you were young. Life was brighter, more colorful and exciting and you found a purpose in going to work whenever you were scheduled. You actually enjoyed the atmosphere the city brought you, and you were happy every day you woke up. As for college, you had given up on it awhile ago, and though your parents were extremely upset about it, you didn’t care – you were finally free. Free from the stress of completing assignments, free from the attitudes of professors and just free from being cramped up in your childhood room with absolutely nowhere to go. You were sick of it all, and when you had finally left it was like a weight being taken off of your shoulders. At first you were nervous, but after living here for a year or two you know now that leaving your hometown was the best decision you’ve ever made.

Then you met Felix.

It was on a very slow day at work, and you were starting to consider asking your manager if you could just leave a little earlier since business wasn’t probably going to pick up anytime soon. The moment you considered going to seek out your manager, a certain freckled-face blonde stepped foot into your little bakery. Like prompted, you immediately greeted him once he reached the register, your brightest smile on display for him once you realized how cute he was. He was a little unsure of what to get, but you were patient, walking him through the menu of what your bakery offered to eat. After a few minutes of looking it over, he finally found something he liked, and you clasp your hands together in joy. As you ring up his order, you notice that he’s holding a book in his hands, one that you’ve read before.

“Is that book what I think it is? I absolutely loved that book!” You speak up, and he flashes you an excited smile, you being the first person out of today to even have mentioned the book at all.

“It is actually!” He says, holding up the book as if it were one of his prized possessions. “I just got around to reading it a few days ago, but I’m enjoying it so far.” He tells you, still eying the cover of the book.

You nod at his words, “I hope you get to finish it sometime, it’s really good! I really enjoy that author in general, and I’ve read a lot of their books.” You say, but a blush quickly spreads over your face once you realize that you might’ve told him a little too much about your obsession with that particular artist.

His eyes light up at your words, “Really? I really enjoy their works too.”

You guys chat for some time while you wait on his food, and in that short amount of time you’ve come to realize that you two have a lot more in common than you think. You learn that his name was Felix, a pretty name for a pretty guy. You find out that he’s just as book obsessed as you are, actively listening to all of the stories he’s read so far. In exchange, you tell him about almost every story that you’ve read as well as bits and pieces from your personal life. You also find out that he was a literature major in the college you lived close to. You’ve met plenty of people while working at your job and have had endless amounts of conversations, but none of them can honestly compare to the happiness that you feel while you talk to him. He’s funny, and easy to relate to when he’s telling you parts of his personal life too. You enjoy his presence and you feel sad once his order is finished, you don’t think you’ll have any more encounters like him any time soon.

As he picks up his order, he smiles up at you. “We should definitely get together sometime on a day that you’re not working. I would love to talk about any other authors you’ve read.” He tells you, and you can’t help the giddy grin that spreads across your face.

“Of course! Oh! Here actually..”

You search around for a pen, making an ‘ah’ noise in surprise once you find a blue one in reach. Once the pen is in your hands, you grab a napkin and click the pen, scribbling your number across it. When you’re done, you slide him the napkin and you’re met with his enthralled gaze. He’s got dark brown eyes similar to that of a warm cup of coffee, and his long blonde hair fits his face perfectly. His freckles were carefully painted on – you can tell, and he’s even prettier up close.

“It was nice talking to you.” He speaks again. “I hope to hang out with you soon!”

You nod, “You as well, tell me about that book the next time we meet, okay?” You say, and he’s giving you a cheerful nod.

When he’s leaving he gives you a final wave before he heads out of the door, and you wonder if you’ll ever really see him after that.

And surprisingly as promised, a few days later, he finally finds the courage to text you. You’re shocked when you see a text from him asking if you’d like to meet with him at the local library on a weekend that you were free. In almost an instant you respond to him and from then on that becomes your thing with him for a while, meeting up with him at the library and chatting away about books. But eventually your work schedule got tight and you weren’t able to make it to the library in time to hang out. To solve this, you decided to propose the idea of him meeting up at your house to hang out since it was easier that way, especially on the nights you worked over the time of the library's closing. He was a little reluctant at first, and when he first enters your home he’s a nervous and awkward wreck. You remember laughing at how shy he was and after getting him comfortable enough he was acting like he lived at your house in no time. You always think to yourself that out of all the blessings that this city has brought you, such as a house, new friends and an opportunity to feel alive… Felix was your greatest blessing.

This night was the same as any other nights, and you enjoy this little tradition you have with him, you’re glad that you didn’t leave work early that day. You and Felix have gotten a lot closer over the past years, and it’s gotten to the point where he has a spare key to your house. He comes over often outside of your planned meetups with him, and it never fails to surprise you whenever you come home and he’s lounging on your couch. You think it’s a little funny considering that when he first started to come over it took a lot of convincing just for him to wash his hands in your kitchen sink.

He’s a lot more comfortable with you now, and there’s nothing about each other that neither of you don’t know about. Outside of your book conversations, he’s also really into video games, so often the two of you are staying up late to play rounds of Mario kart or just to run around in each other's islands in Animal crossing. You both were quick to form a close bond after hanging out just for a small amount of time, and you’re glad that he’s someone you can trust to be there for you when you need it. Felix was considered someone special to you, and you never let a day go by without telling him so.

When you sit in thought for a while, Felix is quick to bring you back to reality by speaking up after your question.

He hums, “Well, I’m not sure actually. I’ll have to read a little more.” He admits and you make an ‘ah’ noise in understanding.

The living room is cluttered with mountains of blankets alongside the stack of pillows and plushies scattered around for the added comfort as the two of you lay on the floor. The TV is playing soft ambiance of animal crossing per his request since it was something that he was really into these days. Your bellies are full from the pizza that you bought on your way back home and you’re a little tipsy from the wine Felix provided. You scoot closer to him to peer over his arm to read the book a bit yourself, parts of his hair occasionally flying in your face and blocking your view a few times. You gently blow his hair out of your way and he giggles, turning to you and blowing a stream of air right back into your face, causing you to yelp and pull away from him in shock.

“You– Felix!” You say, still trying to process the interaction.

Felix lets out a full laugh now, his eyes crinkled when he sees how astonished you are about what he’s just done. “You blew on me first. It’s just payback, doll.”

You roll your eyes, “Your hair was in my way, I wanted to read too.” You huff, rolling back over to him, except you were on your back now while you laid next to him.

Your view of the ceiling is blocked by his face when he hovers his face over yours. His face is close, and you can see him staring at your lips a few times. You’re guilty of doing the same thing, the atmosphere growing a bit tense as he stays there for a little longer than he probably intended to.

You wanted to kiss him – you really did. The opportunity was dangling right in front of your face, and the alcohol definitely wasn’t helping with trying to hold yourself back either. Truth be told, you actually have liked Felix for a while now, and as much as you want to tune into your desires to kiss him and whatever else your body craves from him, you just couldn’t and this was simply because Felix was in a relationship already.

He told you this on the third day of hanging out at your house and you remember feeling so sad yet understanding over it. Felix’s girlfriend wasn’t exactly the best to him though, to your knowledge, she’s manipulative and she’s controlling. You always ask him what he sees in her, why he can’t seem to pull away from her and leave, but he doesn’t quite seem to see the problems in her. It was that or he chose not to see the problems within her. You figure that he was scared of her, which was why he let her get away with what she does for so long, or maybe he does genuinely love her. As the good friend that you are, you’ve tried to talk to him and help him see the issues, but he can be stubborn at times and you can only do so much.

You won’t lie, there’s been a lot of moments between you both that’ve made you feel like your relationship with him could definitely go a lot further if he wasn’t with someone else already. The amount of times he’s nearly kissed you or held you close to him while you guys napped together has made you question what you were to him a few times, but over time it’s clear that he has a thing for you too. Though he’s never really said it outloud you can definitely tell, you can tell with the way his eyes linger on you a little too long whenever you’re reading out loud to him or with the way he gifts you with things that you mention liking just once.

If you could, you would save him, just like in the books he enjoys talking about. To think of it, you’ve never seen him read with such passion the way he does when he’s reading about stories of someone being saved. It makes you wonder if perhaps he does want to be saved and that he just doesn’t know how to ask.

You’re respectful, and so is he, so when moments like this happen, you only giggle and tuck his hair behind his ear as you give him a tired smile. “Silly, you’re interrupting my sleep.” You tell him, and he gives you a grin in return, inching away from your face.

“Are you tired? Should we wrap this up?” He asks, scooting over a bit when you sit back up. You nod, “Yeah a tad, I’m sorry.”

He waves it off with a hand, “Ah, no that’s alright. We did start this pretty late.” He says, reaching over to pick up his phone, eyes scanning the time.

You notice that his face drops as he continues to stare into the screen of his phone. You frown a bit once you see the distressed look on his face, “Is everything alright?”

He turns to show you his phone, and your frown only deepens when you see the hoards of messages sent by his girlfriend asking where he was and when he’d be home by now. You let out a loud sigh and when you meet his eyes again you can see how sad he is.

“I’m sorry, I should probably, um hurry up and go before she freaks out.” He tells you and you nod in understanding.

Felix’s girlfriend wasn’t exactly keen on him being out this late the way he was, and she definitely didn’t like the idea of him having friends at all that much either. He’s only gotten this far because she’s left to think that he’s out late because he was studying for exams. You weren’t sure how long this lie would last, so you often feel bad when you end up keeping him out too long.

“No, no, I understand. I’m sorry that we started late, if it happens again we can just reschedule, okay?” You say to him, and you can see him biting his lower lip in thought.

It’s not like he doesn’t want to hang out with you, because he risks his relationship by lying to his girlfriend every night just so that he can. He just feels conflicted whenever he has to pick between you or her, and as much as he wants to put you before anything else, he has someone else he still cares for as well. He’s not sure why he’s with her, or if he even loves her anymore, but as caring as he was he doesn’t think he could bring himself to leave her. He’s tried to leave her once, but when she broke down crying to him, he ended up feeling bad about the whole thing and decided to give it another try. He knows she can be a bad person to him at times, but he also knows that she has bad days as well as experiences that can trigger her to not be herself at times. He just likes to tell himself that she’s just hurt after her past relationships, and that he has to be better than them.

As he’s sitting there, you begin to gather his things up so that he’s not wasting anymore time by hanging around. He feels bad to have to leave you like this, but he knows his Girlfriend would give him hell if he stayed out any longer. He just hopes that the next time he sees you that he has more time to be with you. When he’s lost in thought, you gently nudge him with his shoes, setting his bag down next to him. He gives you a sheepish grin, nodding as a form of thank you as he slips on his shoes.

You stand out of his way when he stands up, watching as he slings his bag over his shoulder and fixes up his clothing. Once he’s sure he has everything, he opens his arms up for a hug. You immediately go up to him, wrapping your arms around him as he engulfs you in a huge bear hug. He smells of warm vanilla and fresh laundry, and you can’t help but allow your senses to be full of him. You both stay like that for a while, rocking back and forth as you hold each other.

You don’t want to let go, you never do, but you know that you have to. As much as you want him to stay with you, as much as you want him to kiss you and hold you while you sleep every night, you can’t, simply because he belongs to someone else. You sigh, being the one to pull away first because you knew that he wasn’t going to be the one to. It was always hard watching him have to go, but you try to cheer yourself up by reminding yourself that you’ll see him soon. As long as you live out your week you’ll be able to see him soon, and maybe he’ll surprise you with a visit during the middle of the week.

“You get home safe okay? I don’t want to have to go looking for you.” You joke, holding his hand as you lead him to the front door. He lets out a chuckle, opening the door and standing in the doorway for a little.

“I will, you get some sleep, alright? Just clean everything up tomorrow, don’t stay up too late.” He tells you and you nod.

“I will.”

With that, he gives a reassuring squeeze to your shoulder before he’s disappearing out into your driveway towards his car. You stand around in the doorway to make sure he gets to his car safely and that he doesn’t have any trouble getting out of your driveway. When he’s fully in the road, he honks his horn to you before he’s driving away until you no longer see his white car in your vision.

When he’s fully gone you let out a longing sigh before heading back inside. When you make it back to your living room the mess everywhere is only a further sign that you should wait until tomorrow to try and clean. Normally Felix would help you clean before he left, but given the circumstances he wasn’t really able to do that. Your house feels so empty now that he’s gone, and it makes you realize how lonely you are everytime he does.

You hold yourself in your arms as you trudge around the pile of items on the floor, scanning everywhere until you find your phone. When you do find it and pick it up, you’re sitting in a chat held by you and Felix. As far as his girlfriend knew, you were just another person in one of his classes, so the conversation in chat only contained messages of him pretending to ask for homework notes, which was code for ‘I’m coming over, I miss you’. It’s insane that the two of you even have to sneak like this in the first place, that his girlfriend was so against him having any other connections besides herself. You wonder how she’d react if you went off script, if you texted him now and asked him to come back.

She’d probably flip out and you didn’t want to stress him out any further. Felix was a genuinely sweet person – an angel really, so you didn’t understand why almost everything in his life treated him like he was the opposite. He deserved better, he deserved you, and you think he feels the same way. You sit and stare at your phone in thought as you begin to think of if he feels that way every time he sees you, if his heart was full of you instead of her. You close your phone and plop onto the pile of blankets on the floor, you’d treat him a lot better than she did.

You’d take him out to a bookstore so he could get all of his favorite books and you’d spend all of your money just so he could have any game he wanted. You’d be there to listen to all of his stressful days after his classes all while you had his cock far down your throat. You’d do so much for him, you’d take him to better places than she ever has, and have him see sights he’s never seen.

You wanted to save him, just like in those silly little stories he loves to read.

—

The week goes by slowly whenever you’re not around Felix, and it was a tad bit boring. You’ve tried to fill the loneliness you feel by hanging out with your other friends, and though you did have a good time with them, all you could think of was Felix. You don’t get to talk to him as much when he's not with you since his Girlfriend tends to go through his phone a lot, so you’re left only to wonder how he is. Knowing him he’s probably just busying himself with classes and with school in general.

You hope he’s having a good week so far, that nothings giving him much trouble and that he found a book for you guys to talk about when he comes back. But if he doesn’t want to talk about books when he sees you then that’s fine too, if he wanted to nap or game you’d be down for that too. You just wanted to be with him no matter what the two of you were doing, you just wanted to have him around. You worry that it’s weird to think of someone who’s in a committed relationship the way you do. If you told anyone about this you’re certain you’d get a strange look or two. You can’t help it though, you’ve tried to talk to other guys to get over your crush on Felix, but they never work. Every guy is either too boring or they just simply aren’t him.

You want to get it over it, just so that you can stop feeling this way whenever he’s not around. So that you can ditch this feeling of sadness and emptiness when he’s not here. But there’s just something about his presence and about him in general that you just can’t get over. Felix isn’t like anyone else you feel like, he’s a lot different than the guys you’ve met in this lifetime. He’s more soft spoken, endearing and gentle hearted. He couldn’t hurt a fly even if he really had to, he’d rather find a way that allowed it to live without him having to hurt it. He’s not from this earth, he’s otherworldly, and his beauty is definitely unmatched. If you could you’d kiss every freckle that lay across his face, and you’d hold his face in your hands for as long as time allowed.

There you go again, daydreaming about him when you shouldn’t be.

You sigh and decide to try and rid yourself of your thoughts by going to the local library, a place that would distract you enough at least. You figure that you ought to catch up on your reading anyway considering it’s been awhile since you’ve last had the time. As you step into the huge, old time-y library you're met with the comforting smell of books. It makes you feel a lot more calm and your mind less busy, so you begin to find someplace to set your items down. Once you scope out a small area by windows that peer out onto the street beside it, you make your way towards it, eyeing the types of books that catch your attention on the way there.

You set your items down when you reach the round table, double checking that you have everything before you’re eventually off to find something to read. It takes awhile since a lot of the books on the side of the library you’re in you’ve already read or heard of, but after a good search you manage to pick out a few books that you haven’t gotten a chance to read yet. With the stack of books in your hand, you make your way back towards the table, setting them down and pulling your chair out to sit down. When you’re sat you pull out your headphones and allow yourself to get lost in the first book you pick out.

—

Hours and hours end up going by, and when you first entered the library the sun was out, but now it was setting and it was starting to get dark. You’ve gone through at least five books now, and to your surprise you enjoyed reading every last one. When you reach your last book, you figure that it’s time that you wrap it up and call it a night as the library is going to close soon. You take your headphones, folding them up and sticking them back in your bag as you begin to gather everything else. Once you were sure that you had everything, you grab the stack of books and begin the process of putting them back.

As you’re walking around the library, you begin to hear noises of some kind, and as far as you know it sounded wet. You squint your eyes and try to ignore it, thinking that maybe someone was mopping or something. However, as you inch closer to a shelf that you needed to go to in order to place a book back, you’re met with the most unexpected sight ever. There, right in the middle of the aisle, was Felix and his girlfriend, and your eyes widened when you saw her hand down his pants. You quickly stop in your tracks and turn back around to the next shelf, peeking out to fully see what was happening. Just as you saw, his girlfriend kept him pressed against the bookshelf as she made quick work with his cock in her hands. Felix’s face was scrunched into a look of pleasure, his eyebrows raised and his pretty plump lips hung open as soft whines and moans escaped them.

He looked pretty to you, and you feel bad for intruding on him like this, especially for a side that you’ve absolutely never seen before, but you can’t help it. His hair was disheveled, sticking out in random various places as it sticks to the bookcase behind him. You watched as his girlfriend muttered weak words of praise as she continued to jerk him to his orgasm, words that you knew weren’t good enough for him. He sounded good, you thought, and you couldn’t help but wonder how it would’ve been if it were you instead. You would’ve kissed his neck, or would’ve gotten risker by lifting his shirt to suck on his pert nipples. You bite your lower lip, unable to peel your eyes away from the scene before you.

That should be you, it should be you kissing his pretty lips to swallow up his moans and jerking and squeezing his cock til he came all over your fingers. You figure they might’ve been going at it for a while with how flushed he looks and how his forehead was sheen with sweat. You tell yourself that you need to leave, that it was wrong to spy on them like this without them knowing. But just when you get the courage to finally leave, a high pitched whine escapes his lips and a dark wet patch forms at the front of his pants. Your jaw drops and you’re gripping onto the book that you’re holding without realizing.

Before anyone has a chance to see you, you immediately pull away from the bookshelf, rushing to just drop the book off at the counter instead. You’re given a confused look by the librarian at the counter when you toss the book up, muttering a quick ‘couldn’t find the shelf, sorry’ as you make your way past the double doors. When you’re outside you seek out your car, double clicking the start button on the keypad so that your car would be on by the time you reach it. You speed walk over to the vehicle, throwing your door open and tossing everything into the passenger seat before climbing into the driver's seat and immediately pulling out of the lot.

You weren’t angry, not even a little bit, why would you be? It’s not like Felix wasn’t allowed to have sexual interactions with his partner, but it took you off guard that you had to watch it happen. The image of him panting and looking fucked out can’t seem to escape your mind, the sounds of his moans filling your mind with various thoughts of him. You grip the steering wheel as you speed home, the ache between your legs seemingly impossible to ignore. Parts of you wanted him to see you, wanted to see what he would do if he had seen you peeking around the corner. Would he have cum fast to the sight of you? You don’t think you would’ve been able to handle it if you watched him cum just from knowing that you were watching.

The thought almost makes you miss your turn into your driveway, and when you realize you’re stepping on the breaks in the middle of the road. You sit there for a bit to calm yourself down, backing up once deemed that you have your thoughts together. You slowly pull into your driveway and hop out, shutting your door and opting to just grab your things tomorrow.

As soon as you open and shut your front door, you’re rushing your way over to your bedroom. You could think about the guilt of doing this later, you needed to worry about the mess between your legs right now. You throw your bedroom door open, shutting it in one swift motion as you begin tugging your pants off, tossing them in a random direction. Your underwear feels sticky and uncomfortable as you dig impatiently through your nightstand drawer until you finally find your vibrator. You sigh in relief and hop onto your bed, laying flat against it as you spread your legs, teasing yourself with a singular finger. Thoughts of Felix and his fucked out face plague your mind and it makes your body shiver.

You wish it were him touching you like this, that it were him teasing you through your underwear instead of you. You drag your fingers up, sliding them underneath your shirt until you reach your nipples, pinching and rolling them between your fingers. You tug on your bottom lip with your teeth and your hips are canting into the air without having touched yourself fully yet. You pull your hand briefly out of your shirt to spit on your fingers before bringing them back to your nipples, emitting a loud whine when the wet pads of your fingers come back in contact with them. You’re rubbing your nipples in circular motions, pulling and squeezing them in the pads of your wet fingers, the pleasure of your actions building up inside of you the more you tease yourself. Loud whines and whimpers spilling from your mouth as you toss your head to the side to take in everything you were feeling.

You imagine Felix wrapping his plump lips around your nipples, sucking eagerly as he fucks into you with desperation. You picture him holding you close to him as he roughly fucks his hips into you, drool pooling from his chin and words of need falling from his stuffed mouth. You could cum to the actions of this alone, but you need more, so you pull your fingers from yourself before you get too carried away. You snake your fingers back down to your underwear, hooking your fingers underneath it before tugging it off of you completely. The cold air on your cunt makes you shiver, but you waste no more time, turning your vibrator on and pushing it to the highest setting. You press it against your womb, the vibration making your body tingle and you throb with need.

You slowly drag the toy lower and lower until it catches onto your clit, and you moan at the feeling. You don’t hold yourself back anymore, rubbing the toy in circular motions against your clit. You’re humping onto the toy, jumbled words and babbles leaving your lips as you feel that familiar knot build in your stomach. You wonder if Felix was this good in bed, if he’d make you more of a mess than you already make yourself. You can hear his deep voice talking to you, coaxing orgasm and orgasm out of you and you can’t help the call of his name that escapes you. You want him to fuck you, to pin you against your bed and ruin you to the point that he’s all you think about. Or maybe you could pin him down instead, riding him and praising him until he’s making that pretty face that you keep thinking about.

You picture yourself jerking him until he cums on your hand, until he’s a whining and pleading mess begging to fuck you. The thought of it all does you in and you cum with a loud cry of his name followed by a moan. You wish he were to clean you up, to hold your hips as he licked up every drop of cum that fell between your legs. You sigh loudly, trying to get your breathing together before you get up. You sit there for a while, actually thinking about what you had just done. You’ve cum to the thought of Felix before, but coming to terms with the reality of it always surprises you. Seeing Felix like that was not something that was on your list for this week, but you weren’t mad about it.

With another sigh, you force yourself to get up, tossing your vibrator to the side to clean it off later. Your body aches and shivers as you stand up, hitting a quick stretch before you’re off to go shower.

As you shower, you try your best to purge your mind of those images of him, or else you don’t think you’d be able to keep yourself together when you see him again.

–

When you do see Felix again, you can’t stop staring at him.

He always looks good, but ever since that encounter at the library you can’t seem to stop yourself from thinking of him. If anything, you feel like the whole thing made your crush on him even worse, and you didn’t know how to stop. Everyday until you saw him again you’ve tried to do things to clear your mind such as going out for walks, taking over shifts and hell even masturbating in hopes they’d just go away, but they never did. When he shows up at your door you know that it’s over for you.

It could also just be the alcohol that he brought tonight, and so your sober thoughts are starting to feel more intense. He doesn’t seem to mind it though, considering he’s a tad bit tipsy himself right now, so when he catches you staring at him he only plays it off with a playful grin. He came over with the idea of you guys just relaxing today since he’s had a stressful week of school and from his knowledge you were tired from work – and you were. You’re both on the floor of your living room as usual, the piles of blankets providing soft cushion as you two lay down. You’re sort of laying on him as he plays the games you have for him whenever he comes over, and often you twirl locks of his hair on your fingers.

It felt intimate, and close, and it’s always been this way, but with all the thoughts in your head you can’t help but feel like it was more than what it was. He’s leaning into your touch, stopping to stare and smile at you whenever his game is loading and sometimes he rubs your back. It feels loving, like the two of you were meant to be together like this. You try not to think of anything while he’s here, to remind yourself that this was a day to relax for the both of you. And you appreciated this, to have him around and unwind, but you can’t stop your mind from wandering into dangerous thoughts about him. You think about cockwarming him on your couch while he plays his games, to let him use your mouth whenever he feels angry towards it.

You want to help him unwind more than just letting him cuddle up to you and play games, but you know you can’t and it frustrates you. You have the prettiest man in your living room right now and the two of you are so close to being drunk and it angers you that you can’t do anything about it. If he weren’t so loyal to his girlfriend you would’ve dragged him to the couch ages ago, pillows and blankets scattered as he’s deep into your pussy. You let out a shaky sigh, feeling yourself grow worked up from the thoughts, and you did not want to stop this hang out because you were too horny to function.

You just hope that he leaves soon, because with the wine in your system you were feeling up to do anything right now, relationship or not. You’re not able to hold yourself back for long though, as a question pops into your head that you felt like you desperately needed to ask.

“Felix?” You suddenly speak out, and he hums at the sound of his name.

“Have you gotten head before?” You ask, tilting your head so that you were staring at him fully now.

Felix pauses for a moment at your bold question, but he turns to you anyway with an inquiring look. “I have, what about you?”

You’re both staring at each other, and you’re not even holding back on the way you’re checking him out while you do. He’s checking you out too, staring at how sensual you look without really trying to. He’s grinning at you, staring at you as if he could pounce on you at any moment.

“Yeah, I have..but … have you ever had good head?” You say with a smile, holding your face in your hands, placing emphasis on the word ‘good’.

Felix raises an eyebrow, “You think with a partner I would have by now, yeah?” He says with a chuckle, his voice has dropped an octave and it makes you shiver.

He’s indulging in this, you realize, he’s giving you the steering wheel and allowing you to let this go wherever you want if you vocalize it. You’re shy now when you realize that he’s catching onto this whole thing and now he’s just waiting on you to use your words.

“Yeah.. that sounds like a horrible life. Having a girlfriend and not getting great head.” You say with a nervous laugh, and his grin grows bigger.

“Hmm, yeah. You sound like you have some experience.” He says, his head is tilted now and he’s staring at you with the most ‘lets fuck’ eyes ever. You gulp and try to remember where this was supposed to be going when you first began to speak.

“At giving good head? Yeah, I can say that I do.” You say with a proud smile, if there was one thing that you knew about yourself, it was that you were great with your mouth.

“Is that so?” He asks, casually throwing the ball further into your yard, kicking it and aiming it into your yard on purpose even.

“Mmm .. yeah.” You respond, lifting your head back up as you think of another risky question to ask. “You know… what do you consider as cheating?” You ask.

You’re way past the point of reason with yourself, and you don’t seem to care what comes out of your mouth at this point. It’s obvious the two of you want each other, why keep anything from happening now? If anything, he’s already gone past the point of being unloyal by lying to his girlfriend to come see you in the first place. Felix is sitting up now, setting his controller down to plant both of his hands on the ground to lean in towards you. You’re both close to one another, and you’re staring at him through your eyelashes, waiting patiently for his answer.

“Hm, I guess as long as we don’t have sex… then, I don’t see why it would be an issue.” He says, and you giggle.

“If your girlfriend was saying that to someone else would you have gotten upset?” You ask, tilting your head in question and he shrugs.

“Is she important right now?” He asks you honestly, and you chuckle again.

“I suppose not.”

The room fell silent besides the soft music coming from the TV by the game Felix was playing previously. With newfound confidence you inch closer towards him, close until your faces are nearly touching. You pushed him back a bit so that his back was up against the couch and you were semi in his lap. You plant your hands on the sides of him and smile up, nuzzling your nose against his. You can tell that he’s trying not to kiss you, to let you do whatever you want to him, so he hoped that you made a move soon or else he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back.

“Do.. you want to know how it feels..” You begin to ask, running a curious finger starting from his lips down to the button of his pants. “To be sucked off…the right way?”

He’s nodding before you can really finish your sentence and then you’re unbuttoning his pants, and he’s at a complete loss for words, his breath caught in his throat as he watches you tug off his pants as painfully slow as you can. He’s biting on the bottom of his lip, and you can see how hard he is when you finally take his pants off. He’s big, and it makes you wonder if you’d be able to fully take him into his mouth, but you weren’t going to disappoint him, not like this.

There's a small wet patch on the front of his boxers and you can see his dick twitch the more you stare at it. You lick your lips, directing your attention back up to him. You place a firm hand on his length, squeezing it in your hands just to get a feel for him. He lets out a quick gasp, his face nearly in the one similar to the one you saw a few nights ago. You grin, “If you don’t want to do this at any point, we can stop.” You say, your voice barely above a whisper.

He shakes his head, “I– I want this..” He says, and suddenly his voice isn’t as deep as it was before, it’s a little more high pitched and laced with need.

You smile at the whine in his tone, placing a hand underneath his chin, his eyes staring at you with the most pleading look ever. You place a sweet kiss to his lips, taking his lips onto yours and working them alongside his own. The kiss goes from slow and gentle to a little more fast paced and more desperate as you slip your fingers into the waistband of his boxers, slipping them off of him as the two of you continue to kiss each other. He’s pressing himself closer to you each time as if he doesn’t want you to pull away from him. There’s soft pants and whines escaping his mouth the longer you two kiss. You allow him to pull away first, and your heart swells from affection at the sight of him. His lips were kiss bitten and his mouth was slick with spit.

You focus your attention on his dick, your mouth drooling once you finally see it out of his boxers. It’s long, curved and the tip is a bright red adorned with precum on the sides of it. It’s just as pretty as he is, and it jumps with excitement when you press an experimental touch to his tip. He bucks his hips upwards, and he groans when you pull your fingers away. You giggle, deciding to cut the teasing, dipping your head down so that your mouth was level to his dick. You wrap your hands around the base, jerking him a bit before placing your tongue flat down on the side, licking his length until you get up to the tip. When you take the head into your mouth that’s when he moans, it’s sweet sounding and it doesn’t sound as deep compared to his voice. You swirl your tongue around it, collecting precum with the tip of your tongue and savoring the way he feels on your lips. He tastes sweet, perfect for the type of person he is.

You take him further into your mouth until he hits the back of your throat, thankful you have a great gag reflex. You hollow your cheeks out, swiping your tongue alongside his dick as you begin to suck him, jerking off what you couldn’t fit in your mouth. Felix is a moaning mess above you, his head leaned against the couch and his hands tangled in your hair as he does his best not to thrust up into your mouth. His eyebrows are furrowed and he’s making the same face that’s been plaguing your mind for days. You moan at the sight, the vibrations causing him to buck his hips up into your mouth, muttering quick ‘sorries’ into the air as he massages your scalp in genuine apology.

You bob your head on his length, drool spilling from your mouth and sliding down to his balls. You fondle and squeeze them in your hands, causing his cries to go higher in pitch, his grip in your hair getting tighter. He was babbling and rambling a mix of incomplete sentences and words that you sure weren’t real. His hair stuck to his forehead due to the sweat that was produced there, and his eyes were squeezed shut as he began to grind up into your mouth. You don’t even stop him, feeling as he twitches – indicating that he was close to orgasm. You slow down your movements, allowing him to take over and continue fucking himself into your mouth. He takes full control, holding your head in place as he speeds up his movements, his voice fluctuating between very whiny and deep and gravely, every sound he makes going straight to your core. You’re uncomfortably wet, but that’ll be something you’ll have to deal with later.

A few thrusts later and he’s cums down your throat with a rather loud moan, his toes curling and his legs shaking as he emptied himself into your throat. You swallow every last drop with ease, a line of spit that connects your lips to the head of his dick breaking when you lift your head to show that you swallowed. He lets out a chuckle when he sees your confirmation and then he rests his head back on the couch. You pull away from him, reaching over to grab a box of tissues you kept on your coffee table and begin to clean him up.

“Fuck..that was..” He says, still trying to process everything.

You giggle at his loss for words, tossing the tissues once you were sure you cleaned him good enough, “I wouldn’t lie to you.” You say with a proud grin, licking your lips clean.

He lets out a loud sigh of contentment before he lifts his head, motioning for you to come closer to him. You insist, bringing your face over to his before he’s taking your lips in for a kiss. It’s a lot slower and passionate and he groans a little when he can taste himself on your lips. The kiss lasts for a good minute before his phone is suddenly going off. You both jump at the sound, quickly pulling away to identify the source of the sound. He scrambles to his phone once he notices and his face drops when he stares into the screen. You sigh since you can already assume who it was.

“It’s her isn’t it?” You ask and he pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“Yeah– I’m sorry, she’s calling.” He says, and as he starts to get up to get his clothes together you stop him, staring at him with pleading eyes. He gulps but he listens to your request, going back to his place on the floor as he wraps a blanket around himself.

He holds a finger up to his mouth, signaling for you to be quiet once he finally answers the phone.

“Hello?” He answers, and he hears his girlfriend emit a loud sigh.

“Felix, where are you? It’s 11:30 and you’re still not back. You’ve been gone all day.” You can hear her say harshly into the phone, annoyance leaking from her tone.

Felix squints in a random direction, his face showing visible irritation. “Sorry, I got busy. I’m wrapping everything up now.” He tells her.

While he’s talking to his girlfriend you’re sitting between his legs, dipping your head down, lifting the blanket and slowly pressing kisses up his thigh. You can feel him shuttering with each kiss and you can see the warning glare he shoots you when you start inching closer to his dick.

“I said I’ll be home soon, I just– ah, fuck– I just– No, sorry I dropped one of my papers outside and the wind blew it off. No it’s okay I can get another copy.” He continues, his breath hitching once you kiss the base of his cock.

“Yes, yep. Okay, see you.”

With that, the phone call ends and he emits a loud sigh of relief. “I’m sorry baby, I have to go.” He says, patting your head when you lift it again.

“Aw, well, It’s okay, we got to hang out a lot earlier today.” You say with a smile, and he nods.

“Uh-huh, and next time I’ll be back even earlier.” He tells you and you laugh.

“Oh, really?” You say and he nods, a huge grin on his face.

“Definitely.”

—

As promised Felix shows up earlier to your house the next time he sees you, and he’s even taking risks by showing up during the middle of the week.

As long as you two don’t have sex, that was the agreement for him to come running back to you the earliest chance that he gets. It was the agreement that ended all of your hangouts with his cock in your mouth or his fingers inside of your cunt. He’s great with his mouth just as you are, and he learns that eating pussy has got to be one of his favorite things ever. Every hangout ends up with the both of you with your hands all over one another.

You’re just glad to have your hands on one another in whatever way possible. Nights that the two of you don’t do anything sexually intimate are used to kiss each other as many times as possible, showering one another in the love you so badly wanted to give. Felix knows he has a girlfriend at home, but he couldn’t stop if he wanted to. Every touch on your skin feels like his prayers have been answered, and he’s lost in you all over again. He’s addicted to you, addicted to every sound you make or the way your lips feel against him. He’s in love with the way you touch him, with the way you make him feel as he cums deep into your mouth. He can’t get over how you taste on his tongue, how your face scrunches and squeezes together when he’s making you feel good. Can’t over your words of praise or the way you kiss him with such desperation and need.

His girlfriend can’t even make him feel as good as you, and he’s convinced there’s nobody better than you. When he kisses you, he actually feels something, a feeling between love and affection. Nights where the two of you decide to sleep next to each other and he can’t sleep, he’s staring down at you with the most loving look ever. He’s tucking your hair behind your ears and planting sweet, serene kisses on your face. He’s in so deep and he’s not sure if he’ll be able to get out. He never meant for this whole thing to get this far, but he can’t stop, he can’t stop touching you, and he can’t stop how he feels when you touch him.

However, he still cares about his girlfriend – and it’s weird, he knows that. As long as the two of you never have sex then maybe his actions could be excusable if she knew that all you both did was touch each other. Felix has always been a good person, and he’s never once contemplated cheating on his partner, but then you came into the picture. He’s still not sure why he cares about his relationship so badly, maybe because part of him felt like he was doing wrong by her by doing this. It was the good person inside of him, the part of him that died a little whenever he did something he knew he shouldn’t be doing. He figured that if he had at least some sort of reassurance with himself then he’d be able to explain and have an excuse for why he does what he does. But he can’t explain why he sticks around, why he refuses to leave his girlfriend. Maybe it was deeper than that, but he knows that he doesn’t love her. How can he after this?

He’s fighting a war within himself each time he comes over and then he just can’t help himself. He knows it’s wrong for you too, to touch you the way he does when he knows he still cares about his girlfriend. Parts of him feels as if he’s leading you on, that he’s just using you as his own getaway, but he knows he’s not. It’s not fair for you to get roped into his own desires, to put you in a situation that you know is wrong too. He can’t find it in himself to tell you, mainly because he doesn’t want to ruin what he has with you. It’s not like he loves her, but he can’t say he doesn’t care for her, and he can’t bear to ruin your feelings. He can’t bring himself to tell his girlfriend that he loves holding another person in his arms, it’s the wrong thing to do. He’d rather relish in the paradise that he has with you for as long as he can before he faces anything else from her.

Over time, your crush for him grows into love and you’re afraid. You’re worried you won’t be able to let him go. You know that it’s wrong, that he’s not yours and that his heart belongs to another, but you can’t stop yourself. You’re so in love with him that it nearly hurts, and it hurts you even more when he leaves and you know who he’s going home to after that. It’s not fair you think, it’s not fair that a person that treats him like he’s nothing but an accessory gets to lay in bed with him every night. It should be you, you should be the one who gets to hold him at night after he comes home to you. You hate that you have to hide whatever this was between the two of you, that you have to hold back telling him that you love him every time he makes you cum. Is this what forbidden love felt like? It had to be, it felt too similar to the books you guys always read about, and that’s probably why you do. You read those books because that’s how you feel, unallowed to love one another.

And with hiding how you truly feel comes consequence between the two of you.

You won’t forget the day he came crying to you, sobbing out the words of, “Why couldn’t it just have been you?” and It broke you, because you never really understood why he couldn’t just leave. He could have you as long as he left the person that was holding him back in the first place, that it wasn’t too late for the two of you to become a thing, but he just won’t listen to reason. You feel like you’re the only one here who can see that his girlfriend’s a shitty person, and it only drives you crazy when he finds stupid reasons to defend her.

You start to let your frustrated feelings get in the way, and instead of your hangouts ending in the way they have been usually, they end in bickering between the two of you. It’s a first for the two of you, and whenever you begin to make comments Felix is genuinely confused, and it only angers you more. You can’t help it, you’re just so angry at the world for bringing you a man that you simply just can’t have. You’re growing tired of being left home alone for days on end and not having communication with him, you’re just sick of it all. So when the anger finally boils over you can’t stop yourself from lashing out at him. You just can’t seem to understand him at all, and all you want to know is why he’s still holding onto her.

You’re seeing him again today, and as much as you want to be excited you can’t, because you need answers from him. You plan on confronting him, just for your sake and hopefully his. You don’t think you can keep living like this, and you’re sure he can’t either. Felix is too nice of a person to not feel any guilt for this, and it hurts you because you know he feels guilty. You’re a little angry at yourself for letting your thoughts get the best of you, because honestly if it weren’t for you maybe the two of you wouldn’t be here.

You’re pacing the living room, nails in your teeth as you think of ways to confront him on this. For weeks you’ve tried to talk to him about it, but it always falls through the moment you see how tired he is. But you have to be strong, you have to remind yourself that in order to feel at peace with this whole situation you had to put your foot down for once. When you hear that familiar knock at your door, you take a few deep breaths and collect your thoughts before answering. Felix does his best to put on his happiest smile for you – but honestly he’s feeling a little strained lately. He hasn’t been able to do anything intimate with you lately and he’s growing tired of the conversations dealing with his girlfriend.

Everything starts off okay at first, he’s sitting on the couch as he watches TV and you’re laying on the floor messing with your switch. It feels a little tense, only because you know that the conversation has to happen soon and you hate how awkward you feel. Nothing’s really been said between the two of you besides the occasional questions about how his classes are going and if you’re having good days at work, but for the most part the living room is silent. Even if the intimate parts between the two of you stop, you in no way want your friendship with him to end. He’s still a great friend to have at the end of the day, and there’s no one else you’d rather stay up and play games or read books with. You hope this conversation goes well, or else you’d never let it down.

“I can hear you thinking from here.” He suddenly speaks up, and you can only shut your eyes in silence. You weren’t even ready to have the conversation yet, but you figured it was either you can keep living the life you wanted in secret and hurt even more or come to a compromise that allowed the two of you to still be in each other's lives without risking anything.

You sigh and toss your switch to who knows where, and you sit up to face him. “I just have a lot on my mind right now.” You admit and he softly sighs, he already has a feeling where this was gonna go.

“What is it?” He asks, but he knows, he already knows what’s bothering you, and it’s the same thing that’s been bothering you for days now, that’s what it always was.

You nervously twirl the tuffs of the carpet in your fingers, trying to figure out where to start. Normally when the two of you have this conversation, it starts off with you sighing loudly and interrupting an activity the two of you were doing by immediately bombarding him with questions, growing frustrated when he doesn’t give you the answers you’re looking for. You can’t get what you want by being angry towards him over a situation you know he feels the same way about, you have to be calm. Most importantly, you have to be direct, because when you beat around the bush he’s never going to answer, you’ve learned that about him.

“Do you feel good about what we’re doing?” You ask him, turning back to face him again.

You see the tired look on his face and you feel bad, but you can’t stop now. If you give up on trying then neither one of you will be able to live in peace. He sighs, pushing his hair out of his face.

“Why do we need to talk about this everytime I’m here?” He asks, turning the TV down because he at least wanted to give you the respect to talk.

You hum, “Because we’re two adults doing something that’s morally wrong. We have to talk about this.”

Felix’s face twists into a look of genuine concern. “Are you saying we should stop what we’re doing?” You shake your head, “No, No– I’m just saying that this is something that we need to talk about. We can’t keep sneaking off and risking ourselves like we’re a pair of teenagers.” You admit honestly.

Felix can feel his heart twist at your words, he knows you’re right, but he couldn’t bring it in himself to admit that you were. “We talk about it all the time, what more is there to talk about?”

You tilt your head and furrow your eyebrows in confusion. He couldn’t be serious right now, he was skipping out on telling the truth and you know he was. Why was he suddenly acting as if he’s told you the truth about how he feels about the situation? You’re about to speak again until the sound of his voice interrupts your own.

“If this isn’t what you want, we can just stop.”

Your confused face turns into a look of disbelief, “What are you talking about? I just wanted to talk to you about this. Can you just – not act that way right now?”

He squints at you, “Act like what?” You stare at him in silence for a while, a little shocked that he’s acting this way to you right now. “Like I’m trying to end this, you know that I just want to talk, so why are you acting like– like I’m the bad guy?” You say with a hint of irritation.

“I’m not trying to act–” He begins, but you immediately cut him off, you already knew where this was going and you weren’t going to tolerate it.

“Felix.” You begin, your voice is a little firmer now. You were trying to be careful with your tone before, but you realize now that he wasn’t going to take you seriously if you kept talking to him in a cautious tone. “Just answer the question, do you feel good about this?”

He doesn’t answer you for a little, only deciding to just stare at you as he tries to think. He hates being cornered like this, because he knows if he told the truth he’d only be hurting you more. But it’s what you wanted, and honestly it’s what you deserved. You deserve to know the truth, to find the answers your heart wants to hear.

“No, I don’t.” He finally answers, and a part of you feels a little relieved that he’s finally starting to answer you.

“Why can’t you leave her, Felix? What’s keeping you with her?” You ask, and he starts to look defeated.

“You know why.” Is the only thing he can really say, even though he knows that you don’t know. You furrow your eyebrows at his short answer and fold your arms, “‘Cause you don’t want to hurt her feelings? Because I find that to be a weak excuse.” You say honestly.

It’s Felix’s turn to be in disbelief at your words, but he’s not surprised either, it’s always the same thing as any other time you see him. “It’s not an excuse, it’s a valid reason to still be with someone.” He tries to reason.

You scoff, “Felix, if you still ‘cared about her feelings’,” you begin, air quoting your words, “Then you wouldn’t be here knowing that you’re not supposed to be.” You say.

Felix takes his bottom lip into his teeth, unable to look at you now. “It’s more to it than that..” He quietly says and the room falls silent. Your heart begins to hurt at the realization, and you assume that the reason that he was still holding on was because he was still in love with her.

“You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?”

Felix jumps at your words, “No? No! I’m not in love with her.”

You break from your emotional trance to give him an annoyed look. If that wasn’t it, then what was it then? He was starting to make no sense to you. “Then what is it?” You ask in genuine question.

Felix shrugs, throwing his hands over his face in defeat. His tongue pokes at his cheek in irritation and he’s squeezing his eyes shut as if he were wishing this whole thing would go away.

“I don’t know! Okay? If I knew I’d be able to tell you, but I can’t! And I don’t know why you continue to bother me about it. It’s exhausting and we get nowhere.” He says, his anger starting to get the best of him. You’re starting to get angry too, and so you stop holding back on trying to tiptoe around with your words.

“We’d get somewhere with this if you’d learn to talk to me when I ask! We can’t be in a relationship if you can’t learn to be honest with me – or even yourself for that matter!” You say, your voice slightly raising with each word.

Felix moves his hands away from his face and he’s staring at you with an upset look, something that was rare to get from someone like him. “We’re not in a relationship, that’s the thing. Maybe that’s the problem, you keep treating what we’re doing as if we were in an actual relationship and that’s what’s causing all of this!”

He pauses in surprise once the words of truth finally leave his mouth. You’re just as surprised as he is, and for a moment you’re at a loss for words. You’re in love with him – and he’s not feeling the same way. Of course he wasn’t in love with you, why would he be? You weren’t the first person in his heart, and you probably never will be, no matter how many times you give yourself to him. You feel stupid for thinking that all of those things between him would mean something to him, that it’d be enough to make him realize that his girlfriend was never the one he was meant to be with. Silly, silly little heart.

Tears began to well in your eyes, maybe he was right. Perhaps that’s why this whole thing hurt you so much, why it made you angry. Because at the end of the day you know that’ll never be that way, that he’ll never be in a relationship with you like you want him to be.

“Felix.” You speak up again, your voice is softer now and a little shaky. “Have you ever considered that maybe I’m feeling that way because.. I have feelings for you?” You admit, and you see his face go from irritation to a surprised look.

Before he can really say anything, his phone is going off, and you break the eye contact that you were holding with him. It’s never going to work, and honestly from the beginning you should’ve known it was going to be that way.

Felix sighs loudly as he pulls his phone out. He already knows who it is, it was late and he already knew that it was just going to be a headache to deal with. As he reads the name of the caller, you’re gathering your things.

“You should head home, it’s late.” You say, not even giving him a passing glance as you make your way towards your room, shutting the door, leaving him alone in the living room.

—

Stupid, Felix was so stupid.

Why couldn’t he have just told you how he felt? What was he so afraid of? That question felt pointless to ask, because he already knew the point of his fears. He knew why he held back every time he talked to you, what held him back from telling you that he loved you. It was her, the person he foolishly made his girlfriend, the person that he knows he doesn’t love at all.

Yet, he came home to her every night like a dog being called back by its owner. He felt hopeless when it came to her, like he was stuck in a place that only she had control of, and in truth she did. Felix wasn’t able to have friends, go out past a certain time or have regular conversations on his phone because of her, and it was all because of the type of person he was. Before her, he’s never known what real love felt like – what love was supposed to feel like, and for the longest he felt like her actions were justified because he knew that she loved him. He had convinced himself that he was doing right by her when he listened to whatever she wanted, and he believed that she was only controlling him because she cared.

Felix has never grown up in a place of love, he grew up watching his mom listening to everything his dad says, even when he got angry at her. Nobody bothered to tell him that it wasn’t okay, and he was raised to think that the actions he watched as a child was how love was supposed to be. Growing up into adolescence, Felix was a hopeless romantic, and he began to take an interest in romance books, finding himself getting lost into the idea of finally falling in love with someone. Then in his first year of College he had met her. At first she seemed normal, someone who was shy and just as soft spoken as he was. But then she noticed how much of a push-over Felix was and began to take advantage of that. She began to get away with treating him the way she does because she knew that he wouldn’t leave her. And she was right, Felix was worried that if he ruined things with her then he’d never find anyone to love him again. He was so afraid of being alone in this world, and she lured him in with false hope and slowly began to surround him with walls he couldn’t escape from.

He’s never known any better, he was always the ‘be quiet’ and listen kid. He figured that as long as she was happy then he could be too. He knew that as long as he never complained and listened to everything she told him then he’d finally have the type of love he’s always read about in stories. He never saw the importance in defying anyone who’s trying to love you, and that’s probably why he thought he understood his parents.

He never bothered to listen to anyone in the past, he was always defensive about her and grew angry whenever someone accused her of being something he thought she wasn’t. When people stopped trying, that’s when it got worse, because there was nobody to fight for him anymore. Everyone figured that maybe Felix was truly happy in his relationship, so after a while nobody bothered to care anymore. She used him, trapped him and made him a version of himself that he truly wasn’t.

Then you showed up – and you made him feel a lot different than how she makes him feel. You make him feel like himself, like he didn’t have to be a person he wasn’t. He had let himself be surrounded by those walls for so long that when you tried your hardest to break them down he just simply wouldn’t let you. Even when you never gave up, even when you continued to get him to talk about his feelings, to explain that their relationship wasn't love, he was stubborn. It wasn’t until he met you that he had started reading books about someone being saved – and that’s when he realized that he wasn’t happy in his relationship at all.

And when you kissed him, everything in him changed. His feelings about you growing until he started to grow conflicted about everything, about his relationship, about you. He wasn’t in love with her, and he realizes now that he never really was. He was made to believe that his girlfriend was a good person and he never understood when you thought that she wasn’t. He was so used to people giving up on him when it came to his relationship that he couldn’t believe that you actually cared to show him. He should’ve listened to you, he should’ve called his girlfriend the second he kissed you and told her it was over, but he couldn’t.

Now he’s sitting in a room with a person he knows that he can’t bring himself to love anymore. He should be with you, he should have you wrapped in his arms while you’re kissing him and telling him how pretty he is. He was so worried about ruining things with you and he managed to do the one thing he was scared of doing. He’s stuck reading those books where the characters fall in love and run away, and he’s wishing he could do it all with you. He relates to the character that’s forced to hide a version of themselves just to be loved by someone, the character who was too stupid to say anything before, and now they’re stuck in their own cycle of regret. That’s how he feels, he feels like he’s lost you and now there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s never going to find someone like you, and he’s afraid that his girlfriend isn’t going to let him either. But Felix doesn’t want anyone who’s ‘remotely’ close to you, he wants you, and he regrets not running away with you sooner.

Felix is stuck in a fairytale that he’s not able to get himself out of, trapped between pages of a book until the reader of his life decides to read forward. He doesn’t know what his story has in store for him, and he’s afraid that maybe he won’t be saved at all. He feels so lost without you, and it’s hard to live a life knowing that you won’t be in it anymore, and with the realization of his relationship he knows that he won’t be able to escape now. Felix just doesn’t have the strength in him to, so he figures that he’ll just keep staying silent as he always has. Is this how Rapunzel felt when she was locked away in her tower? Forced to believe that her mother loved her when in reality she never did?

He wishes that you’d save him, that you’d find it in yourself to come back for him. He can’t do any of this without you, and with each passing day he comes to learn that this isn’t the life that he wants. He doesn’t want to be locked in a tower waiting for when someone would come to save him, he doesn’t want to keep believing that his girlfriend gives a single care about him. He wants you, the only person who’ll listen to him, who knows what he wants and who cares about how he feels.

Felix doesn’t read books anymore, they remind him too much of you, and he can’t stop the tears that fall when he tries to read a book that he used to read with you. Every book reminds him of you, every character, every word, every title, it’s all you.

It’s you, it’s always been you. He knew it when he held you for the first time. He should’ve told you, he should’ve told you he loved you when he had the chance. Felix will never be the same, he knows now that he’ll truly never find genuine love in this world, not when you’re gone. He’ll never feel the same way that you made him feel ever again, and he’ll never feel it when he looks at the person he thought was his girlfriend. So long ago, Felix was convinced that he had found real love, that he was living the fairytale of his dreams, but now that you’re not in the picture he knows that it was all a lie. He looked at life through rose-colored glasses, blinded by the fake reality that his books gave him, that his parents created.

He never knew what real love was until he met you, when he kissed you for the first time and stared into your eyes in a way that felt like he was telling you that he loved you. You’re seasons away from him now, and he knows you’ll never come back to him. Perhaps he’ll just keep living the same life that he’s used to, a way to punish himself for everything he’s done. Maybe he deserves it, and that’s why life was being so cruel to him. He’s left with the dream he convinced himself to be real, and now that he’s awake he still can’t seem to shake it away. Felix knows he was being unfair when he didn’t show up to your apartment the next weekend, but he was just so afraid. He didn’t know how you felt about him, and in his mind he figured that you were angry at him – and rightfully so.

You probably hate him now and there’s nothing he can really do about it. He’s left to reminisce about old times and of what could’ve been. If only he weren’t so afraid, if he hadn’t made himself believe that the life he was living before you was the one meant for him. He should’ve let you in, should’ve let you break down his walls and now he regrets it. Felix has never felt regret for any of his actions the way he does now, and if he had the chance he’d go back in time just to see you again, just to stop himself from giving into his desires just so that you could be here with him now.

He’ll never get to tell you that he loves you, that he knows now that you were the one for him all this time. That his stories of romance and being saved were all about you from the start. He’ll never get to hold you in his arms and kiss your face. Never will get to experience the joy of seeing you every time you open your door, or the feeling of love he gets every time his lips crash into yours. He’ll never be free from this tower, and he doesn’t have anyone that cares enough to save him anymore.

Felix was so stupid.

—

It’s been a year since you’ve last spoken to Felix, and you begin to wonder if you made the right decision in having that conversation that day. You weren’t expecting for it to end with the two of you no longer speaking to each other, but when the next weekend came, Felix never showed up and that’s when you figured it was over. You didn’t blame him, you would’ve been upset too if someone was taking something and making it bigger than what you wanted it to be. You realize now that you let your romantic thoughts ruin your friendship, and you feel bad for letting it get that far. You were only supposed to talk to him and try to fix things, but you only made them worse by letting yourself grow angry and slip up with your words.

All you wanted to do was to help him, that even if he never got with you, you still wanted to help him escape that horrible relationship. Even now you couldn’t stand to sit here knowing that she’s still treating him the same as before. You were supposed to save him, and you failed him, and now you’re not sure when you’ll ever get the chance to see him again – let alone save him again. You should’ve done better, you should’ve fought harder for him even when he was being stubborn. There had to be a reason why he was refusing to listen to you, maybe he was scared that he was going to have to face her. Felix hated conflict, this you knew, so knowing him you wouldn’t be as surprised if you found out that he was just being that way because he didn’t want to have to face her.

You miss him a lot, and it’s hard trying to live a life without him around as much anymore. Your house feels empty and you’re stuck with the constant feeling of knowing that you’re missing something, like a puzzle meeting parts of its pieces. A town that once felt so alive and bright to you now feels dull and void of life. You go to work hoping that he’d show up someday, that you’ll see his beautiful freckled face and his crinkled eye smile as he looks at you. You search for him in everything you do, in every person you talk to, but it just isn’t the same, and it never will be. Everything is a lot different now that he’s not here, it reminds you of that old situation from home all those years ago. Where life felt meaningless and there was no point in having dreams you know won’t come true. You feel like you lost your dream the day Felix walked out of your apartment, that he took a part of your life away when you knew you’d never see him again.

Life doesn’t even feel the same anymore, and everything you’ve tried to do in hopes that you’d forget him was pointless. You’re not the same as you were a year ago, lately you’ve been overworking yourself in order to avoid being home alone. You’ve picked up extra shifts, picked up another job just to escape it all. You can’t stand sitting in the silence, to sit and stare at the video games you know he’ll never touch again. When you are home, you can’t relax, you’re just sitting there, in your living room right where he used to be. You spend your off days just staring at the pile of books he’ll never come back to get, and you even end up sleeping in there too after a while. It felt like losing a loved one, like you were in a state of grief that you couldn’t get out of.

You wonder if he’s even still in town, or if he’s moved out and left long ago. The thought makes you sad, knowing that you really won’t see him ever again if he had. The city doesn’t feel the same to you, it doesn’t feel like home. It feels unnatural and it almost feels like you don’t belong anymore. Even if you wanted to, you couldn’t afford to move out and go to another city right now. You were stuck, stuck living the same endless cycle over and over again like a recurring nightmare that just won’t go away. Like you were forced to think about your regretful actions and suffer for the consequences of your words.

Your mind is everywhere nowadays, all you can think of is him. You wonder if he’s okay, if he’s getting rest and that his girlfriend wasn’t causing him any trouble. He’s a sensitive person, and you know that he’s probably having a hard time trying to deal with all of his emotions on his own. You were his outlet, his source of relief, but now that you are gone it hurts to know that he’s alone at home hurting, and his girlfriend probably doesn’t even know. You know that you failed him, that you failed to give him the one thing he needed – which was the plain feeling of relief. His life was so stressful and when he met you, it felt like everything that he was doing was worth it as long as he got to see you. You failed to give him a place to relax, to run away from his problems, and it pains you to know that he has nowhere to go now. Nowhere to hide from his problems, nowhere to seek reassurance and nowhere to feel love.

Maybe that conversation didn’t need to be had, and you should’ve just left things alone. Everything seemed to be fine when neither of you began to care about anything else, it was just you and him in your own little world. Instead, you let everything get the best of you, you let your love for him fester until you grew annoyed and angry. You should’ve just stayed there, happy and not worrying about any of the consequences. You think about it now and it feels a little silly, but you’re not sure if you’re just saying that because you miss him or if it was because you actually feel that way. You’re sure it’s just because you miss him, that you regret pushing him to the point of being vulnerable with you when he didn’t want to be. You couldn’t help that you cared for him, but parts of you were also doing it in hopes he’d leave her for you. It was selfish – you know.

You had the thought that if he left, the two of you could finally be happy with one another and he wouldn’t have to hide anymore. You did care for him, but your care was also just the love that you had for him, the hope that you’d be with him someday. You wanted him to see that you were the better choice – that she wasn’t good for him and that he deserved better. And maybe for a moment he did, maybe he did know that you were better for him, but you feel like you’ve ruined that chance by thinking that he didn’t. You were so convinced that he didn’t love you, that he was just using you for his own escape from a hectic life, but you know now that would be a ridiculous thing for him to do.

Felix wouldn’t do that to you, he had too kind of a heart to use you like that. You overthought everything and ended up accusing him of never being in love with you in the first place. You feel silly for it, for not even allowing him to talk and assuming that he was still in love with her. You’ll never know now if he loved you or not during the time he was with you, and you feel so silly. You begin to think if he ever wonders why you didn’t stop him that day, why you didn’t toss his phone and tell him to stay. You wish you had, you wish you had stopped him, that you never went into your bedroom out of your own hurt, that you had just allowed him to speak some more.

Felix is a distant memory to you now, one that makes you smile but it also makes you cry. It reminds you of a life that you used to live, a life that used to make you feel alive. But you’re living a new one now, one without him and one where you were alone again. It’s not what you’re used to, you’re used to him being here with you and filling your home with laughter, with smiles, with love. You’d give anything to be that version of yourself from a year ago, where you were happy and felt like anything was a gift from the universe to you. You miss your ray of sunshine, your purpose for coming home every weekend, your reason for staying in this city. Everything was so good before you let feelings get involved, and now you wish you hadn’t let them at all.

What once was a life full of sunshine and happiness, is now a life full of constant gray skies and regret.

—

When your other ways of escaping life turn out to no longer work, you decide to turn to the one thing that made your life feel stable, the library. It’s been awhile since you’ve been, and you figure that the visit is long overdue. On one of the days that you’re off you decide that instead of moping around in your house, you think to take a visit to the library. You could use a good book right now to distract you from everything that was going on. Though it’s been a year, everything still feels like it happened yesterday, and lately it’s been driving you close to the point of insane. You needed to get out and soon, or else you’d end up burying yourself in a pile of guilt and sorrow while stuck in your home. You wanted to do something that would make you feel happy, and though you can’t pick up a book without thinking of Felix, you try to push through it and use it as a positive experience for you.

When you finally exit your car and make your way over to the library you’re brought back to the old days of when the library was your go to after a long day of work. You’re reminded of the memories of isolating yourself in a corner while getting lost in countless amounts of books you piled on your table. It makes you remember the times you’ve brought Felix when you first started to grow acquainted with him. Though those times are long gone time-wise, you’ve never really left from those days. Somewhere, there is a version of you reliving those memories all over again in another life and feeling alive.

The library is your home away from home, and you’re glad that you’ve decided to pay it a visit after a long time. You’re hit with that familiar smell of books, and your eyes scan all around the building. Even after not visiting for some time it’s never really changed, there’s still the same stain on the carpet from years ago and the same broken bookshelf that sat on the second floor that you could see from the front entrance. It was the only constant in your life, the only thing that never really changed even though life around you has. You feel at ease, like you can finally breathe and you don’t have to worry about anything else again after this.

You look for a place to sit down at, eventually able to find a spot of the library that was tucked away from the busier parts of the library. You make your way over, eying the aisles of the library as you head over. It reminds you of when you caught Felix and his girlfriend, and the memory of it doesn’t even anger you, it just amuses you. You make it to the table and begin to set your things down, pulling out your chunky headphones and putting them around your neck as you start making your way to the book aisles. You slide your headphones over your ears, your favorite music playing in your ears as you scan the endless row of books. You place your fingers on the spine and feel every book on the pads of your fingers. You feel like yourself again, like you were able to be a part of yourself that you were a year ago. Like you had never really left from that version of yourself.

You search around until you find a book that catches your attention. You pluck it from the row of books that it was in, making a mental note to come back to return it later. You pick up a few more books on your way there, returning to your table with an entire stack of books for you to read. You pull your seat out and sit back down, picking up the first in your pile, flipping it open to the first page. For the first time in forever you feel alive again, you feel like all of your stress has finally left your body and you can finally breathe again. Your life has been so busy lately that it feels unreal that you’re able to be here right now. Nothing else mattress to you right now, only focused on the books put in front of you and the world they provide for you.

You’ve been so stressed and full of emotions lately and coming to the library allows you to take a breather and reconnect with life. As you read, you occasionally stop to stare out of the window that sits next to you. The sun is shining and the sky is clear, providing the perfect atmosphere for a good day, and for a moment you can say that you feel okay. Life is never ending, and the amount of cars that pass on the street or the amount of people that walk by is a sign of that. You take notice of the little things, such as the birds that perch on the branches of nearby tree and a butterfly that you’ve seen at least five times now. You watch as local college students flood the cafe across the street and occupy the sidewalk as they sit and chat. You watch them, wishing that somewhere in the crowd you’d find Felix there. You search for his blonde hair in the crowd, hoping you’d catch wind of a beautiful face full of freckles in the crowd of people.

If he were you’d run out there, and maybe you’d kiss him in front of everyone without caring. It’s been so long you wonder if he still looks the same, if he still carries his bright smile or if his hair is even still blonde. You hope that even in a crowd as big as the one outside, that you’d find him no matter what. But for now, you stop your search when you realize that you won’t find him out there. To avoid any further disappointment, you peel your eyes away from the window and go back to reading the book you were reading before. You sit and read for a while, and you’re able to calm yourself down and you feel at peace.

—

You’re around on your second book the moment you begin to overhear loud voices coming from a table that was nearby to yours. At first it didn’t bother you, but then the voices grew louder and then it got impossible for you to ignore alone. You try turning up your music the furthest it can go, but not even that can save you at this point. You’re annoyed now, upset that your calming day at the library was interrupted by a group of people that have no sense of awareness, especially in a place like this. When you grow too tired to keep dealing with it you huff, setting the book down and just closing it. You figure that was time for you to leave anyway since you had some cleaning up to do at home.

You gather all of your things, pushing your headphones past your ears so that it rests on your neck and you pick up your stack of books. One by one, you make your way around the area you were in to set the books back in their original places. The group from earlier was so loud that you were able to hear them speak no matter how far you were. It annoyed you to your core, and parts of you also grew curious to what the hell was worth being so loud about, so you decided to hang back a little after putting your books away. You walk in the direction in which you hear the voices coming from, careful not to make too much noise. There’s one voice that sounds familiar, it’s feminine and you’ve definitely heard it before.

You assume it’s one of your coworkers at first considering she’s mentioned this library a few times, so you figure that’s who it could be. When you reach a bookshelf that allows you to listen to the conversation and see who it was, that’s when you realize who it really was. The voice belonged to Felix’s girlfriend, and your face scowls when you notice who it was. You’ve only seen her a few times based on the photos he’s shown you and you’re able to recognize her voice from the multiple phone calls you’ve heard from her when she would bombard him. You sit in a place that allows you to eavesdrop without being seen, picking up a random book and pretending to read it so that a passerby couldn’t accuse you of watching a random group of people.

She’s smiling and sitting with a whole bunch of people whom you can guess are her friends. Despite having a handful of people around her, Felix was nowhere in sight, and it makes you sad. What if they eventually broke up and he moved away? You notice that she’s getting her words together as she begins to speak up on her next sentence, and you tune in to what she’s about to say.

“Yeah, and like, he used to stay out late for classes and such but now he hardly ever leaves the house once he’s done with classes.” She says, a proud tone leaking from her voice.

Your heart breaks a little at her words. It’s comforting to know that he’s still here in the city, but it hurts to know that he’s suffering, and his girlfriend just doesn't care. The thought brings a few tears to your eyes, you wish that you could comfort him. He probably feels so horrible about the situation and that only makes you even more upset. You feel yourself growing angry towards her, how could you have someone that you claim to love and just not care when it’s obvious that they’re hurting? You can hear her friends come up with tons of theories about why he suddenly chose to stay home, the most pathetic one you’ve heard being that ‘he couldn’t bear to be away from her for too long’ and it makes you scoff. Of course Felix wasn’t going to just admit everything to his girlfriend, but if she cared to even ask she’d know that wasn’t the reason why.

“I prefer him like this anyway, he’s a lot better when he’s at home with me.”

Her words continue to boil a pot that’s been brewing since you’ve stood up to listen in on their conversation. How could she not care about him? Felix was the most kind and caring person and she treats him like he’s just an object, someone used to prove that she was in a relationship in the first place. She doesn’t love him, she doesn’t see him as her boyfriend, he’s just used for her to brag because he’s pretty and she’s not single. She treats him horribly, yet after all this time he still chose her because he cared about her feelings. Felix was too good of a person for her, she didn’t deserve him at all.

You don’t know what came over you, maybe it was the stored anger towards her you’ve had for years, or the fact that Felix was at home at this very moment and likely feeling miserable, but you had enough. You’ve had enough of sitting on the sidelines and watching as she tore him apart, breaking him down and forcing him to become this lifeless being made to listen to whatever she had to say. You’ve been quiet for way too long, and if Felix refuses to see the good in her and confront her, then it’s time that you do. You know it’s been a year now since you’ve seen him, but seeing her like this only gives you more of a reason as to why you needed to keep fighting for him.

You had to be his voice, his saving grace, because if you didn’t, Felix was just going to stay stuck in the continuous cycle of submitting to her and allowing her to take away his life. You’ve seen enough, and Felix can be as angry as he wants with you later, but you refuse to stay quiet any longer. He may be afraid of her, but you’re sure as hell not, and it’s about time someone has told her about herself. If Felix can’t accept that his relationship is toxic, then maybe she will. You think to yourself if going up to her was the right idea, but then her words about him flood your mind and you’re reminded of why you’re doing this. You’re doing this to save him, to break him free from that monstrous dragon who’s ruining his life. You promised to yourself that you’d save him someday, and if this had to be the first step then so be it.

You take in a deep breath before rushing over to where her table was. Everyone is laughing and poking fun at her words until they see you approaching the table. The group falls silent now when they realize that you were actually heading towards them, and they all exchange looks of confusion when you slam your hands on the round table. Was this a bad idea? Absolutely. But you were going to fight for Felix now matter how bad it was, you’re willing to take all of the hits that you know he cannot take.

“How can you treat someone like that? How can you be proud of yourself for allowing him to stay locked up in his house all day. You’re a terrible excuse for a partner.” You shout, and suddenly the entire library is even more silent, and all eyes are on you.

Felix’s girlfriend notices that you’re addressing her directly now and her face turns into a scowl, clearly displeased with the way you’ve stormed up to her and began to shout. As far as she knew, you were somebody that she had no idea of, so who were you to come yelling at her as if you knew anything at all about her relationship?

“Excuse me? What do you even know about my relationship? Why are you spying in on my conversation?” She asks angrily and you roll your eyes.

You’re fuming now, and you’re appalled by the way she acts as if she doesn’t see the bad in her actions. You were just so angry at her, angry that she's the reason why you can’t love Felix the way he deserves to be. You’re angry that she’s the reason why he wasn’t here with you, why your living room was empty and his stack of games have begun to collect dust. She’s the reason for all of this, and though she doesn’t exactly know why you’re so angry, you can’t help but blame her for everything. If she weren’t so shitty then Felix wouldn’t have to seek refuge in you, he wouldn’t have risked everything just to see you every weekend and he wouldn’t have to feel guilty just for kissing you. If she were a good person then Felix would be loved and cared for, he wouldn’t be stuck at home wallowing and stuck behind the walls of guiltiness and sorrow. If she cared then he might’ve never really met you at all, and you wouldn’t be here, yelling at her for treating him the way she does.

If she had just loved him, if she would just care for him.

“I know you’re a disgusting person who's not deserving of him at all. And you know what? When the time comes for him to open his eyes and see you for who you really are, I hope he and his new lover rub their love all in your stupid face.” You say, balling your fists before finding it in yourself to storm away.

You leave his girlfriend shocked and unable to say anything before you walk off, and you feel good knowing that you were finally able to get that off of your chest. You know that wasn’t enough, and you know now that you have to save him, and you have to do it soon.

—

Weeks after the encounter with Felix’s girlfriend you’re on edge and feeling anxious. For days now you’ve been trying to find ways to get in contact with him again so that you can help him. As awkward as it’ll be, it had to be done, you had to help him get out of the situation that he was in. You realize now that he can’t leave everything by himself, he needs your help to do it. He needs you to say the things that he’s been so afraid of saying, to be strong for him when he didn’t find it in himself to be. You know that his girlfriend is probably giving him hell for the words you said to her that day, and though you didn’t say anything too specific you know she’s giving him a hard time.

You have sat here for a year and allowed Felix to be where he was without help, and you’ve finally come to the realization that you can’t sit around to wait any longer. You don’t even care if he doesn’t want to be with you after this, you just care about freeing him from that horrible place. It’s time that you help him – but you were going to do something that you should’ve done a while ago. You were going to get him to break up with her, and you were going to sit with him while he did so. Actually meeting up with him was going to be a challenge, but with some thought you’ve come up with a way you knew you’d be able to meet with him again. It was a longshot, but for Felix you were willing to do anything.

You’re currently sitting in the middle of your living room floor with your nails in your teeth as you stare into the screen of your phone. Moments ago, you finally gained the courage to just text Felix and ask if he could meet you at your house, saying that the reason was an emergency. Even though it wasn’t as big as you were making it to be, in his case it did seem like an emergency and it was urgent. You know it was off script for you to do considering that you never text him outside of your normal way of sneakily texting him, but you hoped he understands. He never replied to you, and you worry that either his girlfriend got ahold of his phone or maybe he decided to ignore it. This approach was a hit or miss considering that texting him could’ve been the worst idea you’ve had knowing that his girlfriend would probably find out and give him hell about it.

You hope she hadn’t been too hard on him, and that it wasn’t too late to try and get him to come over. You could’ve texted him your normal keyword sentence of ‘Hey, can we meet in the library to study for that test coming up?’ that translated to, ‘Come over!’, but you figured that if you did that he might’ve not taken it too seriously. Either way the situation stresses you out, and you’re not sure if you should start finding other ways to approach him or not. You think that maybe going to his class buildings would be a good idea, but even that idea starts to sound weird after realizing that you’d have to find a way to get him into your car. You start to rock back and forth in anticipation, not sure of what to do now. You could try double texting him, but what good would that be? If he didn’t respond to your message the first time, why would he respond the second? You hoped that he was okay, and that he decided to think it over before he wanted to come over and see you.

Hours pass and there’s no sign of Felix coming over to your house. You’re laying flat down on the floor now, your phone in hand as you stare at the time. It was close to midnight and you knew for sure he wasn’t going to show up now. You felt as if you had ruined everything, your friendship and even Felix’s wellbeing as well. If only you hadn’t let your feelings get in the way, if you had just learned to hold yourself back, if you were just grateful to live the way you were before, then maybe Felix would be here right now. Tears well in your eyes and there's a burning sensation in your throat from trying to stop yourself from crying. You feel like your world has crashed on you, like there was no hope for anything anymore. You ruined and took away the one good thing you had and now there was no way to get him back. And yet again Felix was going through emotional stress from something you caused, and you feel horrible.

You figure it was no use in trying to stay up right now, so you loudly sigh and wipe your tears away from your face. Putting your phone down, you huff and turn yourself over to get up from the spot on the floor you were laying in. You walk over to your front windows, checking outside to see if he were in your driveway or if you could see him down the street, but just as it’s been for a year, there was no sight of him. Your frown grows deeper, and you shut your curtains, tiredly making your way to your bedroom. In this moment you just wanted to sleep, wanted to forget about today and maybe try again another. Right now, you couldn’t take any of the emotional feelings you were going through, you just wanted to rest.

The moment you’re close to the doorway of your bedroom, there’s suddenly a loud knock at your door that makes you freeze. You turn to face the wall clock that sits in your hallway, your heart beating faster once you realize that it was half past midnight. You weren’t really expecting anything in the mail, and you were certain that you weren’t expecting Felix either due to how late into the night it was. His girlfriend would kill him if he were here this late considering that this was around the time he used to leave anyway. You stand there for a moment to see if there were any other sounds, but there’s nothing. You try and think for a moment, but then there’s another knock at your door. You come to the scary realization that you’re going to have to answer it, or you could just leave it alone and let whoever it was go away. But you’re a nice person, and you figure that it could be anyone – it could be someone that really needed your help, and you’d feel horrible if you had known that’s what it was and you didn’t save them.

You make your way over to the door as silently as you can, and when you reach it you try and listen to see if anyone could be talking, but you hear nothing. With a quick countdown you open up the front door, and your eyes widen when you are in fact met with someone who needed your help, and it was a certain blonde haired freckle-faced man.

“Felix?” You ask in astonishment once you see who it is.

Felix furrows his eyebrows at you in confusion. You sounded as if you weren’t expecting him at all. “Yeah? You texted me to come here.” He tells you and you blink at him a few times before realizing that the two of you are standing there with your front door wide open.

“Oh, yeah. Please come in.” You say, standing out of the way to let him in.

It’s quiet and a bit awkward as he steps inside of your home, and it reminds you of how he was when he first started to come over. It’s a lot different now given the situation, it feels a little more tense and nerve wracking, especially since you knew that you were going to have to talk to him soon. You shut your front door and lock it, following him into your living room and flipping the light switch on. He’s standing at the edge of your living room carpet while you sit on your couch, and the two of you are staring at one another. He’s scared, you can tell with how fidgety he is and with the way he checks his pulse a few times from how fast his heart was racing. It’s been so long since he’s been here, and he’s almost pleased to know that nothing’s ever changed at all. All of his games are still here along with the pile of books he promised to read to you one day before he suddenly couldn’t.

It still feels unreal, and when he sits and stands there it feels as if he never left, like he’s still that version of himself a year ago when he was here all the time. It’s hard to believe that he was away from you for that long, but he knows that's his fault. He was feeling so guilty about the situation that he decided to bombard himself with school and the work that came with it, no longer having time in his schedule to do whatever he wanted. He felt like he couldn’t face you after that day, and figured that he could probably never. You clear your throat, tapping the empty spot on the couch to indicate that was where you wanted him to sit.

He walks over, setting his bag down and sits down next to you. You feel a little awkward since you weren’t expecting him to actually show up, and definitely not this late. You know you have to say something soon, or else he would’ve come out here for no reason. It’s nice to see him again, to know that after a year he’s never changed that much. You notice that he does look a little more tired than when you last saw him, and the roots of his blonde hair are starting to fade back into his original brownish-black hair color. In some ways, he does seem a little different, but to you he’s still the same ol’ Felix you’ve always loved. You wish you could hug him right now, to hold him in your arms and kiss him.

It’s always been him, and you wanted to tell him you loved him, something you honestly should’ve done a long time ago. Perhaps he never would’ve left if you had told him you loved him sooner. Who knows what you could’ve done differently, all you know is that he’s now and that you have only one shot to make everything right.

“Felix, I’m sorry.” You begin to speak up once you find it in you to speak up. He turns to you with a visibly confused face. He didn’t understand what you would have to be sorry for. If anything he feels like he should be the one apologizing for not talking to you sooner, for making you have to pick between what was right and what you knew was wrong, and most importantly he should apologize for leaving you the way he did without saying a word. You’re not the one who should be apologizing for any of the stuff that’s happened between the two of you, you deserve to hear everything you wanted to hear and he knows that’s why you had gotten so angry all those times before. It wasn’t your fault that you were tired of hiding how you felt about him, and it’s not your fault that you feel like you have to save him from all of this.

“Why are you apologizing to me?” He asks and it was your turn now to look at him as if he just thrown water all over you.

“What do you mean? I’m apologizing for everything because I know that this wouldn’t have happened if I had stopped getting so angry at you over it.” You say, and his heart shatters.

Felix feels horrible, had he known that you were feeling that way he would’ve never left you the way he had. You were too good for him, he felt like he didn’t deserve to be here right now. Even after leaving you for a year and being so stubborn in the past, you still put everything aside just to help him. To know that you still care about him even after all that time makes him want to cry – and honestly it’s what he does. He can’t stop the sudden burst of tears that fall from his face once he hears those words. How could he leave you and allow you to sit there and think that all of this was your fault? You place your hand over his in concern once you see that he’s crying, and it only makes him cry harder. Felix loves you so much, and even after being away from you for so long that never changed. His heart has always been so full of you, and no large amount of distance and time away can ever change that.

He wants to kiss you, to hold your face in his hands and tell you that none of this was your fault, it never was. And that’s what he does, he suddenly takes your face into his hands, pulling your face to his and placing a kiss to your lips. You’re surprised by the sudden action, but you don’t hesitate to reciprocate the kiss, bringing your hands up to his face to pull him closer. The kiss is so full of love and longing that it’s hard for either one of you to pull away. His tears don’t stop despite having you in his arms like he’s been dying to, and that’s when you pull away. The sight of his face wet with tears and eyes swollen makes your heart break. Felix has gone through so much and you just wanted to take all of his pain away.

You waited for him to talk, listening to his hiccups and sobs as he tried to get himself together. You’d wait all night and day for him if you had to, you’d sit until you grew old. You rub his back, giving soft kisses to his cheek as his tears pool on your shoulder. You’re going to be there for him this time, and you’re gonna wait until he’s calmed down and able to speak. When he’s got himself a little bit together he lets out a long shaky exhale and he stares at you through his teary eyelashes. You pout a bit at the sight and you rub a reassuring thumb over the back of his hand.

“You shouldn’t apologize for any of this.” He says and you frown a bit from his words. “None of this was your fault.”

“What do you mean?” You ask him, holding his hands up and bringing them to your lips. You plant soft kisses along the back of his hand, continuing to maintain eye contact as he speaks.

He lets out a shaky breath, “I’m in love with you, and – and It was so hard for me to come to terms with it. When you kissed me, I knew I was going to be too far into this.” He finally admits and you gently place his hands down to properly look at him.

“I’ve spent half my life trying to convince myself that she was the one for me, that she was perfect.” He hiccups out. “But then you showed up – and you showed me that she was the exact opposite.”

It’s his turn to take your hands into his, interlacing his fingers with yours as he holds it. He’s a little more calm now, but he’s avoiding your gaze. “But I was so afraid to accept it. I was scared to accept the fact that she wasn’t the one for me. I didn’t want to face her, but I didn’t want to keep hiding either.” He continues on, squeezing your hand a little tighter now.

“I was so unsure of what to do, especially since I knew that I was making you upset too. So I hid, I hid away thinking that maybe you’d be a lot happier if you were away from me so that you didn’t have to keep going through that. I was so stupid.”

You frown at his words, and now you feel like you’re the one who could cry. Tears welled on your waterline and you scoot closer towards him.

“You’re not stupid, Lix.” You speak up, and his eyes welled with tears again.

“How can you say that? You shouldn’t have to save me just because I can’t do it myself. None of this is fair to you, you shouldn’t have gotten roped into the life of someone who can't speak his mind because he’s afraid of conflict. You deserve so much better, someone you don’t have to risk your life trying to save. It’s not fair!” He says, and the tears don’t hesitate to fall from his eyes.

He’s been holding all of his feelings in lately that it’s hard for his heart to accept that he’s finally getting the chance to let all of his pain go. He doesn’t even know where to start in all of this, all he knows is that he’s in love with you and that he wants to forget about his past life and start all over again – but with you. You’re all he wants, all he wants to base his future on. He’s spent so much time trying to find true love that while he wasted his time on his girlfriend the universe decided to throw you to him. He knows that you’re the better choice, and honestly after all this time you always have been.

“Felix, I’m not doing any of this because of pity. I’m doing this because I love you.” You speak up, placing emphasis on the last part. “I should’ve fought harder before, but I’m here and I’m not giving up on you. I don’t care about any of that, I’ll happily do all of the things you’re afraid of until you feel the courage to.” You say and he can’t stop himself from crying even harder.

You’re truly his saving grace, his reason for not giving up on himself like he wanted to. Where would he be without you? Probably at home and crying to himself like he has been for awhile now. He’s tired of getting hurt, and he’s tired of denying himself of happiness when it’s thrown to him. For so long he’s felt like he didn’t deserve you, but he’s done trying to keep himself away from you any longer. You place a hand underneath his chin, lifting his face to meet yours again. You bring your other hand up to cup his cheek, wiping away his tears with your thumb. He melts into your touch, feeling truly at peace while you calm him down again. No matter how broken he was, you’d sit and help him rebuild himself bit by bit no matter how long it took.

“That’s why I need you to break up with her, Lix. You have to be strong in order to break this continuous nightmare for the both of us.” You tell him, and you can tell he’s a little afraid. You bring his face towards yours, planting a sweet reassuring kiss to his lips.

“You’re safe here and she won’t hurt you. I’ll be here, right with you the entire time.” You say to him, and after some time he nods in understanding.

In order to be with you – to really start anew, he had to get rid of the one thing that was keeping him from doing so. He had to break up with her, he had to do it for you.

With another, more confident nod, he pulls out his phone. You pull away from him to allow him the space he needs to be able to do this. You hold a reassuring hand on his knee, staring at him with a loving look. You wanted this to be over with, to finally with him without having to hide anymore. You watch as he shakily taps through his phone, heading over to the call app of his phone and searching for her number. Once he finally finds her number he pauses, his eyes glossing over the contact name a few times. It’s hard to believe that he’s actually getting the chance to do this, that he’s getting away from her.

He’s thought for the longest that maybe there was really no escaping her, that he had to stay with her for the rest of his life. He’s been so afraid of speaking up for himself that he was just going to compromise and accept everything that was happening to him. He’s never had hope for himself until he met you, and he thanks the universe for leading him into that small little bakery just because he was hungry that day. You can see the hesitation in his body, and so you lean into his face again, taking his lips in again for another sweet, reassuring kiss. It lasts for a while, mainly because neither of you want to pull away from each other. You were the first to pull away, and after placing another quick kiss you pull further away, mouthing a quick ‘you got this’ as he taps the contact number.

His heart races as the phone rings, and it rings for a while. For a moment he considers texting her everything he’s wanting to say instead of wasting his time trying to call. You stare down at the phone as it rings, anxiety filling your body when it takes awhile for her to answer. Just when you’re about to tell him to just text her, she finally answers.

“Hello? Felix?” She calls out, and you see the look of shock on his face. He stares up at you with a worried look, and you rub his knee to ease his worry. He inhales deeply and lets out the same exhale as he begins to speak.

“Look, I care about you. I want you to know that before I say any of this. But recently, I’ve come to realize that I spent half my life trying to come to terms with something I didn’t want to be in terms with.” He begins and you can hear her sigh.

“What are you on about? Do you know what time it is? It’s late and you should be here.” She says, clearly starting to grow irritated at the fact that he was taking a while.

Felix pauses, and for a moment he starts to hear that frail part inside of him screaming for him to hang up and just go home. But he’s done listening to it, and he’s done sitting in the confines of the tower made by her. He wanted to be free, to live his own life and he’s going to do it all with you. He quickly reminds himself what he was doing this for, that his future was sitting right next to him, holding his knee in their hands as they try to calm him. He’s not going to be afraid anymore, he’s going to learn how to stand for himself so that when the time comes for you to be afraid of something he can be there for you too.

“I’m not going.” He says. “I want to end things between us. We’re not meant for each other, and I don’t think we ever were. I won’t allow you to hold me back any longer.” He finally blurts out, and you can hear her scoff on the other line.

“Excuse me? Is this about that bitch from the library? Is that who you’re with? You’ve got some nerve speaking to me like that, I want you here, now.” She yells out, and Felix shuts his eyes in his own irritation.

You huff out, fed up with the disrespect she’s been giving him since the moment you’ve met him. You’re over it, and so was he, and you’re done letting her ruin Felix. So, to quickly end things you simply lean over to the end of the phone to where she could hear you better.

“That’s what happens when you treat someone you’re supposed to love like shit. I told you he was going to wake up and leave you, didn’t I?” You say, a grin on your face once she goes quiet.

“You can get rid of whatever is mine there, I’m not coming back, so don’t wait for me. I’m where I need to be, and hopefully you can find where you need to be too.” Felix quickly adds, immediately hanging up the phone.

When the phone call is over he feels a weight lift from his shoulders, and he doesn’t feel tense anymore. He tosses the phone and jumps on you, pushing you back against the couch as he covers your face in kisses. He’s finally found love, and he’s not going to be afraid anymore, and it’s because he has you. As long as you’re with him, then he doesn’t have any reason to be afraid of things, because he knows that you’ll love and treat him better than anyone else ever could, and you’re going to be there for him. It’s hard for you to keep up with the hoard of kisses he’s planting on your face, but you kiss him back just as much, wrapping your arms around him as you hold him close to you.

“I love you, I love you so much.” He murmurs between kisses and you grin with each kiss.

“I love you too, Lix. I love you a lot, I’ve never stopped loving you.” You admit, and that’s when he directs his kisses to your lips. The kiss is passionate and full of love, and he’s got his hands pinned to your waist as it slowly begins to deepen.

You’re both finally free and able to love each other without hiding. You’re able to publicly shout and express how much you love him without feeling ashamed. Felix feels the years of exhaustion and fear leave his body as he kisses you, no longer feeling guilt when his lips are on yours. Everything he’s done has led up to this moment, up to you, and he’s not going to hold back on things any longer. You’re his future now, and he’s not going to deny that reality for himself any longer. He gets to hold you without guilt, he gets to love you and kiss you without worry.

He’s finally happy now, and he’s ready for the future he gets to build with you. He’s ready to start his life over, and live it the right way – the way that he wants it to be.

—

After the phone call, you decided that the two of you relax together in your living room, a good way to take off the stress that you were both feeling after the situation. Your living room was a shared safe space, and after a long day of whatever either of you had to endure, your living room will always be a place of peace and sanctuary. You always joked that your living room had the ability to instantly take away stress the moment anyone who steps in begins to relax in it, but after some time you start to think that may not be a joke anymore. The second you and Felix begin to lay on the mess of blankets and pillows on the floor, it starts to feel like nothing ever even happened a few minutes ago – like there was never a point where the two of you stopped talking.

You’re lying next to him with your arm wrapped around his torso while he plays one of his games. You always find peace in knowing that Felix was having a good time, so even if you were just watching him play a game you were able to relax. It’s always been that way between the two of you, and you’re glad that you can sit here with him without having to do much. You twirl the locks of his blonde hair in your fingers as he plays, and when he has spare time between each match, you bombard him in kisses. At first he’s a little off guard when you start, but after a while, when he’s waiting for a match he automatically turns you with puckered lips. The scene makes your heart swell, and you always tend to go overboard with kisses the moment he turns to you. You love him so much, and you’re happy to know that you can kiss him without the added weight of his ex-girlfriend. He’s all yours, all yours to kiss and most importantly, he’s all yours to love, publicly and privately.

When he’s in the middle of a game you can’t stop staring at him, he always looks so pretty when he’s focused like this. You tilt your head to take in more of him, and your mind begins to slowly wander off into dangerous territory. You’ve come to the realization that you can finally have sex with him, and there wouldn’t be any consequence if the two of you were to do so right now. You bite your lower lip, the thought undoubtedly turning you on more than it should’ve, and you can’t stop thinking of ways you could have him right now. You want nothing more than for him to just pause his game and f–

“Is there something in my hair?”

You blink in confusion a few times, unsure of why he’d say that until you remember that you were just shamelessly staring at him and zoning out. Your mouth turns into a sheepish grin and you shake your head, “Ah, no, sorry. I thought there was.” You quickly say, turning to the TV.

You thought that you were blushing enough the second you realized that he had caught you staring, but it grows the moment you see that the game was paused. You slowly turn back to Felix, who in turn had an amused grin on his face. He had you right where he wanted you, and there was no way for you to escape whatever idea he had about what you were thinking of.

“Hopefully you got it with the amount of staring you were doing, right?” He begins to tease, and you grimace. “I just said there wasn’t anything.” You mumble, avoiding his gaze.

“So, what was it then? You said you liked my hair, but I didn’t know you liked it that much.” He continues to tease and you flick his hair into his face.

When you fall silent and turn your head away from him, he scoots over to you and takes your face into his hands, gently turning you back to face him. Your eyes are glossy and wide the moment you lock eyes with his own brown ones. He places a thumb on your bottom lip, slowly pulling it down until his thumb reaches back down to your chin. Your breath is caught in your throat and you feel like you can’t pull away from him.

“What’s on your mind, my pretty angel?” He asks in a deep, husk tone.

You thickly swallow a pool of spit you weren’t even aware that was pooling around in your mouth. Your eyes dart to his lips and back to his eyes so fast you weren’t sure if he would’ve even caught on, but his smile grows bigger when he notices.

“Do you want to kiss me, baby?” He asks, and you slowly nod. His gaze shifts more into a lustful one when he pulls your face closer to his.

Within seconds his lips are pressed against yours, and it feels like heaven. Everything about him feels heaven sent, his touch, the way he tastes, everything about him. Your mind and body is full of nothing but him and you don’t think you’ll ever get over the way he makes you feel. He makes you feel like water putting out an intense fire, a drink of fresh water after a long hike, like feeling cool air conditioning after a hot day. The kiss grows in intensity the longer he kisses you, and suddenly you’re pressed flat against the living room floor. Felix has himself between your legs now, his kisses growing more rough as he holds a firm grip on your waist.

His tongue finds its way into your mouth, and you let it in without hesitation, soft whimpers and whines escaping your mouth when he shoves it past your own. His tongue is dancing alongside yours, and he pushes it as far into your mouth as it can go. The whines and wet noises made from the kiss reminds him of having your mouth wrapped around his cock and the thought causes him to shove his tongue nearly down your throat. You gag at the unexpected action and the sound makes his cock swell with need. He’s fighting the urge to grind into you right now, but the thought of him having you like this right here on the living room floor proves it to be hard. It’s not until you cant your hips up to get a little friction on your throbbing clit that he’s throwing all reason out of the window and grinding his hardened dick into you. A breathy moan escapes your lips and you’re grabbing onto him to feel him closer to you.

Your pajama shorts are stained with a mix of your arousal and the precum that was staining his own. Felix is the one to pull away first, but it’s not long before his plump lips are attaching themselves to the sides of your neck. He’s sucking the sensitive parts of your skin that sits between your collarbone and shoulder, and it has your brain puddled into mush. You run your fingers through his hair, eyes squeezed shut as you focus your attention on the pleasure he was making you feel. He never meant for it to get this far, but he’s been holding himself back for way too long, he can’t find it in himself to wait any more. Felix slips his hands into your shirt, taking a handful of one of your breasts into his hands, rolling your nipples around in the pads of his fingers. You moan at the feeling, your body melting into his as he continues to kiss on you.

You can’t focus on both actions at once, your collarbone and neck are being littered in kisses while his fingers make their way around your body. When he’s done with your nipples, his fingers find their way down to your waist, slipping past the waistband of your shorts to ease their way into your underwear. A gasp escapes your mouth when his fingers attach themself to your clit, rubbing slow circles against the sensitive bud. He moves his mouth from your neck to your ear, nearly breathless as he speaks.

“Is that what you wanted, angel? Were you craving my hands on your pretty pussy?” He whispers into your ear, his voice a little higher than before, like he felt good at the fact that he was making you feel good.

You nod, your mouth unable to form coherent sentences at the moment as he spoke. His ear is pressed close to your ear, taking in every gasp and whine that you make. Despite the restriction of your clothing he dips his fingers a little lower, circling them around your entrance in a teasing manner. Felix shoves two of his lithe fingers into your pussy, and you feel your eyes cross at the feeling. He’s done this a million times before, and you’re not exactly sure why tonight felt different, but the way his fingers thrust deep into you just feels too good. You arch your back, your body meshing into his as loud moans and whimpers leave your mouth and you’re gripping onto him tighter now. He lets out his own whines and moans at the sound of your own, and he swears he could just cum from the sound of you alone. Felix holds one of your legs close to your chest as he thrusts his fingers into you, each touch against your g spot making you drool.

“Am I making you feel good, baby? Yeah? Oh– yeah, that’s my pretty angel – ah, fuck.” He groans into your ear, slowing his fingers down to grind them into you.

Your cries are getting louder and more high pitched, and you’re thrashing around as you near your orgasm. You can’t even talk correctly with his fingers deep in your pussy, and you’re a complete mess underneath him without him having to actually fuck you. He’s pulling his fingers out and slamming them back into you, the wet sounds of your pussy getting louder each time.

“Oh– there’s that pretty face I love, fuck, c’mon angel, cum for me, I want to feel it, you gonna give it to me?” He says, and you’re burying your face into his neck as you nod your head,

“Yes, baby– fuck, yes, I’ll cum for you–I’ll cum, I’ll–” You begin to ramble until your jaw drops open and theres a choked cry leaving your mouth as you cum around his fingers.

Your body shivers, your leg falling back on the ground from how tired it was, and when you have the strength to face him again he’s pulling his hand out of your shorts. You watch in awe as his lips wrap around the two digits, sucking off the cum you graced them with. His eyebrows raise in pleasure and you catch the whine that leaves him as he swirled his tongue around them. Even though you just came, your body craves for more, and when he’s done cleaning his fingers off, you’re back on him again. Felix indulges in your wants, his kisses powered by the fact that he wanted you just as much as you did right now, and he was finding it increasingly hard to hold himself back.

He pulls away from the kiss, his mouth wet with spit and hair disheveled, he truly was a sight to see. “I– I don’t think I can stop myself right now, I want you so bad right now, do you want me too, Angel?” He asks, a pleading look in his eyes as he stares into your own eyes.

How could you deny him? You couldn’t when the two of you were like this, “I want it, baby. I want you to fuck me, can you do that?” You ask him and you feel his dick twitch at your question. He’s dumbly nodding his head, and his lips are back on yours in no time.

He can’t help it, kissing you has to be one of his favorite things to do with you. He loves the way you feel on his lips, and he’s afraid he’ll never get over it. But he’ll never have to get over it, because he’s going to always have you, and you’d let him kiss you for as long as the two of you can take without getting too tired. His hands are all over you again, grabbing and feeling you on his fingertips at every touch he makes. He can’t get enough of you, of your body and the way you make him feel. He wants the feeling of you to forever imprint on his mind, he wants all of his senses to be full of nothing but you.

Felix’s hands make their way to your shorts again, and this time he’s undressing you, and you lift your hips to make it easier on him. He makes quick work of your shirt next, and when you’re fully naked you have your hands on him this time, and he emits a deep groan when your hands touch a part of his skin that’s sensitive. You’re tugging at his clothes, lifting his shirt in attempts to take it off of him, your hands grabbing every part of him you can reach. He chuckles into the kiss at your desperation to have him naked already and he finally decides to give in. He momentarily pulls away from the kiss to pull on his own pants, lifting himself off the ground for a second to pull his pants and boxers off. Your clit throbs at the sight of his cock, seeing the way it stands up the moment he pulls his boxers off. His dick is just as pretty as he is, and you’re more excited to know that he won’t have to stop himself from keeping it away from you anymore. You’ve dreamed of this, to finally feel him inside of you, to feel his length sliding past your walls and leave you a mess underneath him. You needed it so bad – you needed him.

He’s maintaining eye contact with you as he takes his shirt off, and you swear you could melt. His gaze is lustful as he stands above you, and you stare up at him with glossy eyes. He looks so good like this, and the sight of him standing over you like this is a sight you’re never going to get out of your mind, ever. He joins you back on the floor, spreading your legs as he finds his home between them, his naked body now touching yours as he lays a top of you. You’re both panting, anticipating a moment the both of you have been waiting on for forever. Felix grabs the base of his dick, jerking himself a bit as he taps his tip on your pussy a few times. Your breath shutters when his drops of precum create a sticky feeling on your clit. Your body jolts when he starts to rub the head of his dick against your clit in circles, switching his hands to hold you in place while he grinds himself against your clit.

“Been thinking of fucking you ever since we kissed that night.” He breathlessly admits, and you let out an airy chuckle.

“Is that so, baby?” You sigh and he nods.

“Will you let me? Please, baby? I can’t help myself, I know you’ll feel good, you’ll feel so much better than her.” He pleads and you can’t help but grin at his needy tone. You would’ve teased him for it, but you can’t find it in you to play around with him right now. You nod, granting him the permission he’s been dreaming of for what felt like ages.

“Fuck me, lix. I’ve wanted it for so long. ” You murmur into his ear, and he emits a whine at your words.

Without making the two of you wait any longer he grabs the base of his dick, and he’s lining himself up to your entrance. He pushes the head past your folds and he’s biting his lip at the feeling. When he’s worked himself up enough he finally pushes himself fully inside of you, and the moan you both give is filthy. He’s moving his hips without giving you time to adjust, but you don’t care. You’ve long enough waited for this moment, and now that he’s inside of you, you don’t want him to stop. His thrusts start off slow at first to allow the both of you some kind of time, but then they start to pick up speed and he’s fucking you roughly into floor.

The once quiet living room is filled with loud wet noises from your pussy and the loud string of curses made by the both of you. Felix lifts both of your legs, bending your knees to your chest as he hooks his arms underneath the back of your knees. He digs his knees onto the floor, the wood starting to hurt them a bit as he picks up the pace. He’s thrusting into you at a pace that’s hard for you to keep up with, and you can feel your soul leave your body with each thrust he makes. He’s a mess himself, babbling and planting messy kisses to your lips and neck. He’s panting heavily, a thin sheen of sweat produced at his forehead as he fucks you.

“You feel so good, angel – can’t believe I didn’t fuck this perfect pussy sooner-” He moans out, and your body shudders at his words. You’re digging your nails into his back, your legs shaking above you as he keeps them pressed to your chest.

You’re starting to see stars, and your orgasm is starting to creep up on you the longer you’re like this. Your back arches off the ground and your body is held close to his as he continues to split you open, your walls fluttering around his length to signal that you might not be able to hang on any longer.

“Lix?” You coo out.

“Yes, baby?” He coo’s back, and you take a moment to look at him.

His hair is sticking up in different directions, some sticking to his forehead and covering his eyes a bit. His mouth is parted open as pretty moans and whines escape his lips, and his eyebrows are raised in pleasure. He’s making that face of his that you love so much, and it makes you feel so good to know that it’s you making him feel this way. You press his forehead against yours, his lips resting above your own to allow you to swallow every noise of pleasure he makes.

“I wanna cum with you, please? Cum with me,” You beg, and he nods, too lost in the feeling of you.

“Yeah– Yeah, I can do that, Angel– I’ll do it, cum with me, baby” He urges, his voice deep as he talks to you.

His thrusts are sloppy and messy as he fucks you, and there’s a layer of arousal on the front of his thighs as he fucks you. It’s messy where the two of you connect, puddles of precum all over the blanket underneath you. Your toes curl at the feeling of him, loud, ‘ah, ah, ah’s’ leaving your mouth when he fucks into your g spot repeatedly. He’s just as loud as you are, his voice falling between deep and high pitched, drool falling from his mouth and creating a mess all over your shoulder. The both of you are fucked dumb at this point, you from how tough he was fucking you – and him from how good your pussy felt wrapped around him. He feels like he could die happy in this exact moment just from how you feel. You hug his length so perfectly it makes it hard for him not to cum on the spot.

You pull his lips to yours for a messy kiss, spit being shared between the two of you and getting everywhere as you give him open mouthed kisses. You’re both swallowing each others moans, and with each rough thrust pounding into you over and over you finally let go.

“Fuuuck–, I’m cumming baby, oh- please cum with me, I need to feel it, I want you to fill me-,” You cry out as your body tenses, your cum creating a thick white line at the base of his cock that disappears with each of his thrusts.

The added wetness makes Felix’s mind officially go to mush and he’s cumming short after you, giving you two hard thrusts before his hips still, and he’s filling you with every last drop his body can give. He cums a lot, and it’s to the point that it leaks out of you. When he’s done he falls on top of you, letting go of your legs and his face into your neck. The living room is silent now besides the soft breathing made by the two of you. You finally rest your legs and begin to rub his back while he lays there.

“I’m sorry, I just want to sit like this for a while.” He softly says, and you’re massaging his scalp now.

“You’re alright, Lix. Take all the time you need.”

And the two of you sit like that for a moment while he’s still inside of you. It feels a lot more intimate than any other moment shared between the two of you, it makes you feel at ease, like the two of you were destined to be like this. When he finally pulls out of you, you feel empty and you cringe a little at the mix of liquids that fall from your hole. He grabs a blanket and wraps the two of you in it while he lays on top of you again. You don’t think he’ll want to get up for a while, and you don’t blame him because you don’t want him to either. You figured that he might’ve fallen asleep on top of you, so you tuck his hair behind his ear and press a sweet kiss to his face a few times in case he had.

“I love you.” He sleepily murmurs and you chuckle, kissing him a few more times before wrapping your arms around him tighter, pushing the two of you to lay on your sides.

He’s halfway asleep now, face buried in your chest now as you plant a few kisses a top of his head a few more times before resting your chin on top of him, finally laying your head down.

“I love you too, my Lix.” You murmur back to him, and the both of you sleep just like that, on the floor in each other's arms.

—

It’s been another year since everything has happened, and since then Felix has made things official with you and now lives with you at your place. The whole moving process was a headache considering that his ex-girlfriend was still stuck on the fact that Felix actually had the courage to break up with her, so the two of you couldn’t move him in without the added stress she decided to bring. After getting fed up and telling her off, she finally learned to leave the two of you alone, and Felix was able to move in with you without any more trouble.

Living with him feels like having a sleepover with your favorite person everynight, and at the end of hanging out together he holds you in his arms. He feels happy now, more at peace knowing that he made the right decision in life, for you and more definitely for himself. He’s never felt more in love with someone the way he feels with you, and he’s a lot happier now. Felix can finally breathe, he’s finally free from the prison he was kept in due to someone else's selfishness. With you, he’s learned to find his own voice, to learn how to voice his troubles and speak up for himself when needed. He’s no longer afraid of the things that once used to scare him, and he knows that he’s finally found real love.

You’re more than just a savior to him, you’re an angel, and most importantly you’re his lover.

Life feels a lot more colorful now, and you feel like you’ve found your purpose of being here again. You and Felix are a lot happier together knowing that the two of you are able to be in a relationship without any restrictions and without having to hide. It’s a feeling of fresh air, and you’re able to rub your love with him all in his ex-lovers face. It’s funny actually, considering that a few months ago you were in the library with Felix, mouth wrapped around his cock as you took the risk of sucking him off tucked away in one of the aisles. While you were doing so, the sight of his ex-lover came into few, and you locked eyes with her. You held a smug look on your face, adding extra flair to your movements to show off all while Felix was too lost in pleasure to take notice of what was going on. Her mouth dropped in shock and she was quick to speed off when she noticed what was happening. It made you feel good to know that she’ll never have him like this, you will, and you always will.

After a long week of work and school, you proposed the idea of the two of you read books to relax. When you decorate your living room with spare blankets and pillows it starts to feel like how it used to be when the two of you first started doing this. Felix is putting on his favorite ambient music and you’re scattering the blankets everywhere, tossing pillows in random directions alongside the random plushies you brought out. Once Felix finds suitable music (which was just the same video of animal crossing music, just different picture background), the two of you are laying on the floor cracking open one of Felix’s books.

You’re both sharing laughs, cringing at cheesy parts and even shedding a few tears together as you read whatever book he picked. It feels like a scene straight out of a coming of age movie, and you love it honestly. You’re wrapped in his arms while he reads to you, and you laugh at the parts he doesn’t understand or the parts he accidentally messes up on. When it’s your turn he doesn’t hesitate to do the same, and you never fail to stick your tongue out at him when he makes fun of you. Being with him like this makes you know what it truly feels like to be alive, like everything you’ve worked for has led you up to this. Felix was proof that leaving your old life was worth it for the one you’re living now, and you’re glad to have given this city a chance. You’re glad that you found him when you did and that you didn’t give up on him when given the chance.

You’re both on another book now, but the atmosphere is more calm and relaxed than the hysterical and loud one from before. You’re laying on his lap while he lays with his legs crossed. He’s playing in your hair, massaging your scalp at times while he does. While you’re reading to yourself, he suddenly speaks up.

“You remember that book that you asked me about? The one where you wondered what happened after the guy saves the girl?” He asks and you nod, remembering the story from years ago, and you’re a little surprised that you even remember it.

“Yeah! You never told me about the ending actually. Did you end up finishing it?” You ask, setting the book down and looking up at him. He nods, a huge grin on his face.

“I have, and do you want to know what happens when he does?” He asks you, and you nod.

“She ends up finding out that he was the one for her all along. That she’s in love with him and she’s thankful that he saved her when he did.”

You giggle, “Sure that book wasn’t about you?”

Felix laughs, “Maybe it was.”

“Well then I’m glad I saved you when I did too.”

Felix chuckles, and presses a quick kiss to your lips in which you happily accept. When he pulls away you’re back to reading your book. While you’re reading, Felix stares at you. He’s admiring you, wondering how he could’ve gotten so lucky, how a blessing such as you could’ve waltzed into his life the way you did. You truly did save his life, and he’ll always have you as a symbol of being free.

Though he feels as if he’s in a fairytale at times, you’ll always be the one who saved him from that tower, and you’ll do it in every book he finds you in.

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#felix;oneshot #felix;angst fluff smut

[straykidsland]

you belong with me - s.changbin

Genre : childhood friends to lovers, fluff, teeny tiny bit of angst cause I suck at it

Warnings : none I think? Maybe a brief mention of making out, but nothing descriptive

A/n: I wrote this at 2am, so I hope it doesn't suck; song is not mentioned, I just used it for inspiration(kind of)

You started out as neighbors.

You lived in Incheon until you were seven, and your father got relocated for his job. Then, suddenly, you were packing everything up and leaving your life behind, driving to Yongin-si. Even though the drive was short, your seven-year-old brain made it feel like you were light-years away from everything you had ever known. Which, in a way, you were, having never traveled outside of Incheon.

Your new house was nice. It was larger than your previous one, since your father’s relocation also came with a hefty pay raise. Your new bedroom had a good-sized closet, a connected bathroom, and three windows: two facing the city below the cliff-area your house was set on, and one facing the house next door.

Looking out the window towards the other house, you set your suitcase down on the ground as you saw a boy in the window opposite. He had curly, short black hair, and seemed to be listening to something. As you watched, he turned his head and made eye contact with you. Frightened, your eyes widened as you turned away from the window to continue exploring the house.

This was your first interaction.

--

The second time you saw Seo Changbin, his parents had invited you and your family over for dinner. Your parents had accepted their gracious invitation, and, despite your complaining, had dragged you over one Thursday night for dinner. You had been living in your new house for about two weeks, and even though you had initially thought the world was ending and nothing would ever be the same, you found yourself liking your new home. School hadn’t started yet, since it was only mid-July. Your bedroom was nice, but you liked your windows the best. The view of the city was beautiful at night, and you stared outside for hours, daydreaming about the lives of the people below.

As your father knocked on the door, carrying a gift of your mother’s home-grown golden pears. She was very proud of them, often making pies out of them, so in addition to the basket of pears, her pie recipe was set atop the bunch. Changbin’s mother opened the door a few seconds later, welcoming you and your family inside warmly, smiling as she shook hands with your mother and father. At the top of the stairs, you could see the boy from the window looking with curiosity at the scene unfolding before him. You quickly looked away, not wanting to be rude for staring.

The dinner was delicious, warm jajangmyeon and crisp, spicy radish kimchi. While the adults discussed amicably about various topics(your father’s job, how they were liking the town, etc), you ate your food silently, listening to the chatter around you, occasionally looking up and around the room, noting the chandelier hanging from above, the comfortable-looking leather furniture in the room next door, the fine china in the cabinet across from you. These people lived nicely, you noted.

You felt something hit your foot. Looking down beneath the table, surprised, you saw nothing except feet. Dismissing it, you returned to your food.

Then it happened again. And again.

Annoyed, you looked around, meeting eyes with the boy across the table. He was smiling at you. You narrowed your eyes at him, hoping he would leave you alone.

The adults moved to the sitting area nearby, leaving you alone with this boy.

Mrs. Seo came over to the two of you, introduced him as Changbin. He looked like a Changbin.

The boy, who now had a name, smiled again at you, with a little wave. You gave a tight-lipped smile back, still cautious around him. His mother prompted you both upstairs, where you assumed she wanted you to bond, become friends. You hesitated, looking at your parents for support. You found none, your own mother motioning for you to follow him. Traitors.

Huffing a little bit, you followed the boy upstairs, where he led you to a big, open room. The room was filled with various forms of entertainment, a game cabinet and table to the left, a small television and gaming console to the right, and comfortable floor chairs scattered about. There was a piano in the corner near the window, through which you could see the darkness of your room.

“Do you want to play a game?”

Startled out of your thoughts, you turned to see Changbin sitting in front of the television, flicking through games.

You approached him, and sat down a few feet away. Taking note of some of the games you saw, you nodded.

“What do you want to play?” Changbin asked you, still looking at you. You wanted him to stop. It was getting annoying, how friendly he was.

You shrugged. “I like adventure games,” you murmured quietly, playing with the hem of your leggings.

Changbin pulled out a few for you to choose from. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Ninja Gaiden Black, Stronghold. You picked the Zelda game.

Starting up the game, Changbin asked, “Do you know how to play?”

“Kind of.” You had watched your father play it, so you knew the gist of it. Link, the main character, starts out in the town of Ordon, where he gets his starting gear. Then, after completing a few quests teaching you how to play, Link gets attacked by this shadow monster guy, who turns him into a wolf and drops him into the dungeon of Hyrule Castle, where he meets Midna, who guides him to Princess Zelda, telling him about various tips on playing along the way. The princess explains to Link about why he’s a wolf, and how everything happened, etc. It’s a very interesting game, in your opinion.

Changbin notices your interest and obvious knowledge about how the game works.

“Have you played this game before?” he asks, attempting to make conversation.

“Yeah. My dad plays a lot of it. I’ve watched him play it.” You start to warm up to him a little bit, glad to talk about something interesting.

You and Changbin continue to play through the game, taking turns with the controller, since it was a one-player game. You also talk about things, such as where you were enrolled in school(it was the same school), favorite foods, and how cats were better than dogs(Changbin thought dogs were better, but the obvious answer was cats).

Your parents found you two fighting bokoblins and swimming around Lake Hylia while talking about whether or not you thought Midna was a good character.

“She is! She helps you learn about the bitey-attack thingy, and helps get you to Zelda and the pieces of Fused Shadow and fragments of the Mirror of Twilight!” Changbin argued, slightly upset that you didn’t like the small, red-head side-character,.

“Well, even though she does do all that stuff, she’s a little gremlin-thingy and that’s just kinda weird! Also, she basically lives in Link’s shadow, which is also kinda weird!” you argued back, and you two bickered until you felt your mother’s hand on your shoulder.

“Y/n, come on, it’s time to leave, honey,” your mother prompted, and you reluctantly saved the game, Changbin promising to not find the final pieces of Fused Shadow without you. (Spoiler alert: he did anyways. You were quite upset about it, and made him apologize several times.)

Waving goodbye to your new friend, you walked back to your house, holding your mother’s hand.

“Well, did you have fun, sweetheart?” she asked, and you nodded.

Climbing up the stairs to your bedroom, you rushed to your window, hoping to see Changbin in the room across. You watched as he played a different game, this one with a small yellow ball eating dots and chasing other small, colorful moving balls.

He looked out the window, meeting your eyes. He waved. You waved back.

This was your second interaction.

---

A few years had gone by since the first official meeting between you and Changbin, and you had become great friends. Changbin had gotten a new Zelda game, this one titled The Wind Waker. It was technically under the same franchise as Twilight Princess(which you had beaten at least 4 times), but the style was completely different. School had started a few months ago, and you were sitting in the great room upstairs in Changbin’s house where you sat playing Twilight Princess a while ago. Not very much had changed, but there were a few things. The music area next to the window had expanded, a small folding table set up with a beat pad, a MIDI audio interface, and a stand with headphones on it. The same electric piano was still set up in the corner facing out to the window. Curtains had been put up, but Changbin had pushed them to the side so you could still see your window from his house. You occasionally exchanged messages through the window, but usually only when your phone was dead.

Your room hadn’t changed much either, although your room had changed slightly as you aged, various posters hung around the walls. You had gotten a replica of the Hylian shield from your parents for your birthday last year, which was hung up on the wall next to a poster of this boy band that you liked from the west, called One Direction. You had no idea what they were saying, but their music was really good. Your favorite member was named Harry. He had really good hair. Changbin insisted his was better.

“I know how to style mine! All by myself!”

“I know you do. Congratulations.”

As a 15 year old, you enjoyed many things. Arguing with your best friend was one of them.

You and Changbin had become great friends after you bonded over Twilight Princess when you were seven years old. Since then, Changbin had decided that he was going to be a rapper or something when he grew up. You still weren’t entirely sure what you wanted to do.

Changbin had also gotten more attractive as time went on. But you still thought Harry looked better.

One afternoon, while walking back home from school, you and Changbin were stopped by one of the boys in your class, whose name was Jun. He quickly handed you a note and walked away, his face red. Startled, you opened the note and saw that Jun had written his phone number inside with a note asking you to meet him for coffee sometime. You smiled. Jun was one of the more attractive boys in your grade, and he seemed nice too.

As you typed his number into your phone, sending a quick “hi :)” text, you failed to notice Changbin looking down at the ground, boring holes into the concrete with his eyes.

---

Jun turned out to be your first ever boyfriend. He was sweet, and took care of you. Your parents liked him. But for some reason, Changbin couldn’t seem to get along with him. You asked him why so many times, and begged him to at least be polite. He was eventually, but only for you. He didn’t like it when you were mad at him.

When you and Jun hit your first year of dating, he took you out to dinner at one of the fancier restaurants in town. Little did you know, Changbin followed the two of you to the restaurant and watched as your date continued, wanting to make sure that Jun would pay for you and make sure that you were at least happy.

At the end of the date, Changbin followed you home as Jun dropped you off at your house.

“You can come out now.”

Nothing.

“Seo Changbin, I swear to God if you don’t get out of that bush right now, I’m going to go tell your parents that you stalked me.”

Reluctantly, Changbin climbed out of the bush, brushing leaves off of his shoulders as he walked towards you slowly, in your pretty dress from the date. He looked down, ashamed.

“Why were you following me? You knew that I was on a date!” you asked, not new to Changbin’s strange antics around Jun.

“I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to make you pay or something. It isn’t right to make the lady pay,” Changbin said, shuffling his feet as he answered. Was he sorry that he stalked you on your date with your boyfriend? A little. Did he regret it? Maybe. But only because you were mad about it.

“I’m grateful for your concern, but you know Jun, he wouldn’t do that! I just don’t understand why you don’t trust him!” Your tone grew a little angrier, wanting to confront this issue that had been around for the past year. You were sick and tired of Changbin acting like a child whenever Jun was around.

“I just- I just don’t like him, okay? Why do you need to know so badly? Can’t I just be concerned for my best friend?” Changbin retorted, annoyed that had yet to see what was so obviously so clearly in front of you.

“Listen Bin, I’m grateful that you're concerned for me, but stalking? This is getting excessive! You need to know when you’re going too far!” Frustrated, you took a few steps closer to him, trying to prove a point. “It’s honestly just kind of creepy at this point!”

“Fine! I’ll leave you alone! Just don’t come to me when you find out he’s been cheating on you for months!”Changbin stormed off back towards his house.

“Cheating. . .on me?”

The curtains were closed that night.

---

Jun had texted you earlier, inviting you over to play some games with him and a few of his friends. You questioned him about what Changbin had said, but he denied it.

“Why would I ever cheat on you? I love you, you’re perfect, baby,” he told you, giving you a short kiss before returning to the game he was playing.

Still, Changbin’s words remained at the back of your mind.

Speaking of which, you and Changbin hadn’t talked for a few weeks now. Your parents questioned you, asking if everything was alright, to which you told them yes, everything’s fine, we’re just busy. Which was a lie.

To be honest, you missed your best friend. You parents had gifted you a new Zelda game, this one called Majora’s Mask. You had played through some of it, but you missed the playful banter and commentary of Changbin. He would probably make a case about how Skull Kid is just a mentally ill kid who just needs a hug. The game just wasn’t as fun without him.

Changbin felt the same way. He missed the way you would gently scold him for trying too hard on his games or his homework. As he sat in his room replaying Ocarina of Time, he glanced out the window towards your bedroom.

Your blinds were open. You and Jun were sitting on your bed making out. Disgusting.

Changbin got up, closed the blinds, and returned to his game.

---

A few more days passed. There was a big party that most of your class was attending, and Jun had invited you and Changbin to go. You were going, but Changbin was not. He just told you to go have fun, and he’ll be fine on his own. You asked him if he was okay. He said he was fine. All of this occurred over text. He couldn’t tell you the last time you had talked face to face.

The party was fun, kind of. Except that half of the attendees were drunk off their asses, and you had needed to go to the bathroom for forty-five minutes. As you opened another door, crossing your fingers for an unoccupied bathroom, you instead opened the door to a bedroom where a boy and girl were sitting on the bed, obviously very occupied with each other. But. . .you recognized that dark hair. And those hands, those hands that had caressed your own countless times.

Changbin was right. Jun was cheating on you.

You broke up with him that night, and went to the only place you could think of for comfort : Changbin’s house.

---

Knocking on the wooden door, you didn't expect anyone to answer. It was late, and they were all probably asleep. However, to your surprise, the door creaked open a few seconds later, with Changbin holding open the door. Taking note of the tear stains on your face, he let you in and quietly guided you upstairs to his room.

He sat you down on his bed, letting you lean against him and cry into his shoulder. The words “I told you so” were at the tip of his tongue, but he was holding them in for your sake. Even though it was technically true.

“I-I just don’t know why he would do that! Am I not enough? What did I do, Bin?” you whispered through tears, pain cracking your voice. Oh, how wrong you were. The problem was him, not you. Never you.

“I should have listened to you. When you told me he had been cheating on me.” You sniffed, pulling your head off of his shoulder to look him in the eyes. Tears clung to your waterline, the minimal makeup you had applied for the party melted in streaks down your cheeks.

He wiped his fingers underneath your eyes, smoothing out the wrinkles at the sides of your eyes and in between your eyebrows. You sniff, settling back down on his arm, hugging it for comfort.

“It wasn’t you, you know. He was a douchebag, I knew it from the start,” Changbin told you, patting your head with his hand, stroking your hair comfortingly.

“It wasn’t?” you sniffed again, leaning into his hand. “How do you know that, though?”

“Because. Because I know you, and you’re my best friend, and I’m-I’m the one who’s loved you for forever, and you should’ve listened to me when I told you that he was cheating on you, and-and-”

“You love me?”

Changbin hadn’t realized he’d said that. He just kept on talking and things just came out. Oops.

“. . .yes.”

“For how long?”

“Since you sat down to play Twilight Princess with me. Willingly. No one else would, and I know that was just the first time we met-” You cut off his rambling with a kiss.

Surprise took over Changbin. You were kissing him. You were kissing him? OH MY GOD WAIT YOU WERE ACTUALLY KISSING HIM. OH MY GOD. KISS BACK YOU IDIOT. So he did.

You were warm, even though the saltiness of your tears lingered. As you pulled away, Changbin asked, “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you kiss me? I thought you didn’t like me like that.”

“You’re such an idiot. You couldn’t tell? I’ve literally been crushing on you for months!”

“You have?”

“YES!” you exclaimed, hitting him on the shoulder.

“Ow!” Changbin yelled, and you quickly shushed him. His eyes widened as he remembered that you technically weren’t supposed to be here since his parents were asleep.

“Do you want to play video games?” he whispered.

“I got the new Zelda game at my house,” you whispered back, looking up at him from his shoulder.

“I do too! I’m convinced that Skull Kid is just a-”

“Mentally-ill kid who needs a hug?” you finished for him, knowing what he was going to say.

“Yeah, how did you know?” Changbin chuckled. He already knew the answer.

“‘Cause I’ve known you for basically forever, lover boy. And you always try to look for the good in everything. Even if Skull Kid is actually a child possessed by a god wants to take over Termina by threatening the whole town with a moon that will eventually crush them all.”

“So you admit that he’s just a child?” Changbin questioned, bumping your shoulder with his. “I knew you had a soft spot for villains!”

“I do not have a soft spot for villains! Ganon is evil! But Skull Kid technically is just a child possessed by a god!”

------

My writing, imo, went from ↗️ to ↘️ yk. Also I loved being able to feature my favorite video game series in this (PLAY ZELDA RN. THAT IS A THREAT)

#changbin;oneshot #changbin;fluff

[straykidsland]

LOVE IN SCRIBBLES — ten things seo changbin writes in his love letters for you

seo changbin x reader, no warnings — fluff, comfort. taglist form.

a/n : i almost forgot abt this series omg... i missed writing this it makes me insane

bang chan / minho / changbin / hyunjin / jisung / felix / seungmin / jeongin

i. I saw the sky today. It's beautiful. It actually reminded me of you — just like how you always bring peace when my heart is full of uncertainty. Is that your superpower, yeobo?

ii. Is it possible for a home to be a person rather than a place? 

iii. Everything is going to be okay, jagiya. You can’t blame yourself for something you can’t control.

iv. We will figure this out, okay? Just like we always have.

v. Together, we will create a home that is soft and warm, like basking in the grassland under the gentle glow of sunlight. We will always live for 5 am sunrises and 5 pm sunsets. I will keep you safe and I am always yours to keep. There will be no fear, hurt, and anxiety.

vi. I will never forget the day you held my hand for the first time. You could have left me, but you chose to take my hands and place them in your coat pocket. You gave me love that breathed life into my chilly fingers, rubbed them gently, and held them tight, promising to never let go.

vii. My favorite feeling in the world is seeing you first thing in the morning, with messy hair and groggy eyes — the way you hold my arm lazily and pull me into yours. The way your breath caresses against my skin, and the way our bodies bathe in the soft, golden hues of morning sunlight. I love everything you do. My favorite feeling is you.

viii. Loving you is as easy as breathing.

ix. I love you. I love the messy hair and the bags under your eyes every time you can’t stop working. I love the little messes and chaos of you. I love your cheeky smile and your bubbly laugh that can brighten the room in an instant. I love the way you sigh when you're tired and the way you sing along to the radio on a Sunday morning. It's all lovable. It feels good to love you.

x. Maybe I was born just so I could meet you – and dedicate everything to you, perhaps.

taglist : @agi-ppangx @bluethemoments @ashracha @skzstarnet @straykidsland @k-labels

⋆ taetr4ck, est may 2023. / requests open

#changbin;drabble #changbin;fluff

[straykidsland]

listen

PAIRING: bang chan x reader GENRE: fluff, established relationship WC: 449 WARNINGS: implications of sleep disorder

"Chris, I think I can hear the music layers," you said to your boyfriend one peaceful afternoon. Your pupils moved left and right as if following the sound from the headphones you were wearing, freaking him out.

"Baby, how long did you sleep last night?" he asks, taking off his headphones. He had promised to come over during the weekend, yet, he sat still in front of his laptop, working on something for the last hour. Leaving you to do something by yourself.

You shrug in response, not providing the answer he needs. He sighs. It's not the first time you made that claim and every time, you're only running on 3 hours of sleep.

Not that you're ignorant about the little details, but somehow it fascinates you even more when you're lacking sleep. As if you're taking some drugs and give your imagination a little bit more to work on. Is there any research on this? Well, you were so busy with work that you never bothered looking it up.

"Let's go" Chris plucks the headphones from your ear, taking your hand in his. "You need sleep. Now."

Chris drags you to the bedroom, turning on the air conditioner before closing the blinds. You sat on the edge of the bed, fidgeting with a strand of thread on the corner of your shirt.

"But I'm not sleepy," you said quietly. You blink twice at Chris. "I haven't seen you all week, and you're working, and I'm working, and we barely get the chance to talk or watch movies or eat together or cuddle..." your voice getting smaller as you list the things you usually do with him.

He immediately melts at the statement, unable to counter it.

"Baby..." he coos. Chris walks over to you, cupping your face in his hands, slightly tilting it upwards. You pout at him, trying not to cry. Another thing that comes out of lack of sleep.

"Let's take a nap first, yeah? Then we can arrange a date." He plants a small kiss on your pouting lips. You nod in response before lying down. As soon as your head hits the pillow, Chris notices your eyes fluttering shut. Smiling to himself, he took his spot next to you after turning off the lamp.

"I want sushi," you request. "I can hear your heartbeat," you said again, breathing steadily to match its rhythm.

With a yawn, you murmured a small I love you.

Your sleep was sealed by a kiss on the top of your head, along with a soft I love you from Chris. After this, he's taking a much-needed day off to spend with you. At least he owes you that.

a/n. i want sushi to break my fast later... also tomorrow is debut anniversary!!!! my second one since i become a stay. it's funny how the time went ((not really, i mostly cried this year but anyways))

#chan;drabble #chan;fluff

[straykidsland]

Acceptances 23

Congratulations to the new batch of acceptances to Stray Kids Land! We are super excited that you have decided to join the community of amazing creators. Please read the following information below now that you’ve been accepted to the net.

Writers:

@nonononranghaee | @tasteracha | @booksndpoetry

Media Creators:

Writer & Media Creators:

After Acceptance:

Reblog this post so we know you’ve seen it!

Be sure to add a network link that is visible on your tumblr page

Please tag your content with #straykidsland

Please refresh your memory of the rules

If you have opted to joining the Discord server, a server link will be sent to you via tumblr dm shortly. Please be sure to have your messages open!

Don’t See Your URL? 

If you don’t see your url in this acceptance, you most likely missed a step during the application process that was noticed. Please complete all stepsbefore reapplying.

Once again thank you to everyone who has applied, our apps are always open and the official post can be foundhere!If there is any questions please reach out to Admin Fran @baekhyyun or Admin Elle @kookthief.

#acceptances

[straykidsland]

Happenstance - SCB - OneShot

pairing: 3rachaChangbin x femcharacter

genre: travel au, fluff, smut, little angst, strangers to lovers,

romantic trope: love at first sight (inspiration from this reel)

word count: ~18k

rating: M

warnings: mc invites strangers to dinner amongst other things (DO NOT RECOMMEND), kissing, penetrative sex, ridiculous amount of haggis discussion, food and drink, some language, changbin with fluffy hair, dressed in hoodies. honestly, i don't think there's too much concerning in this one, apologies if I've missed something.

a/n: fic #4 in skz as romantic tropes collab with @jl-micasea-fics. in case you read my answers to asks, this is the first story i started that i didn't finish until yesterday (I apologize for every single mistake that i probably missed). which means, this took me over seven months. i have no idea why something as 'simple' as love at first sight required me to write nearly 18000 words!! anyway, um, hope you like it.

--------

You don’t really mind being alone. It’s a lot easier to just pack up your stuff, yourself and go on your adventures when you don’t have to consider another person and their preferences.

It gets lonely, but it works for you.

At the train station with your backpack and one rolling suitcase, waiting for your train in London at Kings Cross station that will take you to Edinburgh. It’s a long journey, over eleven hours, but you saved up and for the very first time, got yourself a sleeper cabin. There weren’t any singles available, as the classic cabin comes with twin bunk beds, but you figure the extra space can’t hurt. 

Who’d go with you anyway?

You bounce on the balls of your feet, waiting for the train. This experience is less about the scenery as it’s mostly at night, but the getting to sleep in a bed (the sleeper seats aren’t horrible, but they aren’t exactly great if you really want a good night’s rest) on a train is something you haven’t gotten to do yet. 

You like Scotland and you haven’t been since you started this work. Inverness sits at the top of Loch Ness, and there are so many picturesque places to visit once you’re there. Then you’ll take the train back, but during the day, so you get to see what you couldn’t on the overnight train. 

You have one earbud in, listening to a soft playlist you made mostly full of Sufjan Stevens, Fleet Foxes, and Band of Horses. Only one earbud as you need to make sure you hear any important announcements and you also really enjoy eavesdropping, especially when everyone has a much more interesting accent than you. You’re glancing back at the announcement board as though something might have changed in the last minute (it would just be the worst luck if it got canceled…what would you do in London…go to a museum or something?). 

The train is arriving and you just want to dance around like a fool. No one should be this excited to sleep on a train, but you are. As you queue behind a few others, you glance down the track, taking in the people who will presumably be sleeping near you. It seems like a diverse group, some people dressed nicer than you, as though they are having a work meeting on the train (with computer and phone cameras…maybe they are), some look like they might already have on their pyjamas. There are heads of grey and white, long plaits of blonde and red, fluffy short black hair. 

All types. 

You board and glance at the signage, looking for the arrows to connect you to cabin 25. Slipping past a family of three who are speaking in what sounds like German to your unknowledgeable ear, you glance at the descending numbers. 

There’s a small scanner on the door (how far tech has come), and you scan your phone over it, the QR code for your ticket allowing you access. As you open the door, you look down at the male voices coming from the other end of the carriage. 

There are three of them. 

In your travels, you see a lot of people, but unless it’s a commuter-type train during work or drinking hours, you don’t run into men of a certain age, and certainly not on an overnighter covering the length of England. 

Certain age being mostly like twenties, mid-twenties if you had to guess. And though you’ve definitely seen a good-looking man a time or two, it’s rare to see them en masse like this. One is carrying two duffle bags, his hair a wavy platinum blonde. He is attempting to pull out his phone and scan like you just had. The second one is whining about the first one taking too long. It’s not really complaining, because he wears a smile in between the pouts. In fact, when he glances over the third’s head, he sees you and smiles brilliantly. 

You smile back, embarrassed at being caught staring, but if you blushed every time you did something socially forward, you would be a permanent tomato. 

The door finally opens for them and that’s when the third one turns around, presumably because he noticed the second one looking at you. He’s the shortest, and even before he turns, you notice that he’s very broad from the back, despite the guitar case blocking your view. 

When his eyes meet yours, your brain definitely tucks away the recognition that he’s wearing black-framed glasses, eyes a warm brown, black hair curly and fluffy, completely dressed in a black t-shirt, black joggers, and black sneakers (a motif one might say). You see all of that, but it doesn’t really connect.

Because something happens. 

No lightning from the sky, or voice, or whatever occurs when something big changes. You’re just oddly aware that your heart is beating at a rate that only occurs when you're winded, that your anticipation has gotten more like anxiety, and you would very much like to ask his name. 

So you disappear into your cabin, not sure of anything anymore. 

“It said four.”

“Well, there’s two, Chan.”

“But it said four.”

You sit on the bottom bunk, watching the fading sunlight out the window, your heart rate seeming to slow down. The fact that you can hear your neighbors’ conversation doesn’t bode well for your sleeping tonight. 

But you always pack earplugs. 

“Must be a mix-up. Find a…what do they call them?”

“Station agent?”

“Porter?”

“Train guy?”

You cover your mouth so you don’t laugh too loudly at the final suggestion. You stand up and start to unpack your few things; pajamas, toiletries, two books, and journal. You can hear one of them opening the door and calling down the corridor. 

“Yes sir.” It’s a few minutes (you’ve actually journaled a whole page by this point) when there’s footsteps and a response. 

“I booked for three people, for one of the cabins with two sets of bunk beds.”

“Ah yes…” There’s a clearing of one throat. “We only have a small amount of those, and unfortunately the original train set for this journey had to be changed at last minute. Mechanical issues. You were refunded.”

“That’s not very helpful as I still have only two beds and three people.”

Another clearing of the throat. 

“Yes, well, the train is fully booked. I can supply another set of sheets and pillows.”

“You’re saying our only option is one of us to sleep on the floor?”

“I am very sorry, sir.”

There’s a couple of very very deep sighs. 

“Thank you anyway.”

The ‘train guy’ must leave because you hear furtive discussion; with foreign words you aren’t sure about, but it seems like ‘rock, paper, scissors’ has the same rhythm no matter the language.  

You are on the top bunk, eyes moving from your book to your door. 

It’s dumb, even for you, but you feel like you have to. You have decent intuition about people, at least on a level if they are dangerous or not. And none of your neighbors set off your warning bells or mental red flags. 

So you jump down and open your cabin door, leaving it open in case you need to run back in and like, hide due to extreme embarrassment. 

One deep breath and you knock on their door.

It opens and the blonde stands there, you can see the other two behind him. 

“Hey neighbor,” the blonde greets you with a weary smile, but a smile nonetheless. It makes you grin more easily.

“Hi,” you introduce yourself. “Sorry to eavesdrop, but I heard…” You wave with your hand at the beds in their room. “I have an extra bed.”

All three of them sort of freeze at your words. You don’t blame them. You are an unaccompanied female on a trip, talking to three men you don’t know. Offering a place to sleep to a stranger. 

“You…aren’t serious?” The one who had been whining earlier spoke up first. 

“I think she is,” the third one…the one you actually can’t look at closely right now (though his voice is enough to set your heart rate back up to jumpy). 

“I am.” You shrug. “I know it’s weird. I don’t know you guys. But there’s dinner in the dining car in like an hour. We could have dinner? Chat? Make sure none of us is a serial killer?” 

Are you asking three men out? 

“One of you needs a bed. I have one. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal,” says the blonde. “But…” He looks at his friends (you assume, maybe they’re all together which makes your proposal of dinner even more awkward), “We do need a bed.” He looks back at you. “I’m Chan. We’ll have dinner, and no hard feelings if you decide to take it back.”

His smile is warm and you would swear in a court of law that this man is one of the safest humans on the planet. 

“Deal.”

“Jisung,” He points to the one that had smiled at you so brilliantly. He grins again, but it’s shy. 

“Changbin.”

Oh. 

So you meet his eyes again for a second time, hoping you’re prepared. 

It’s still there, maybe less surprising because you are expecting it. You know his name now. You know that he still hasn’t smiled at you (which feels tragic somehow), but doesn’t look angry or disgusted by you (a triumph to be sure).

He seems perplexed, which you can’t blame him for. Your offer is certainly perplexing.

“Nice to meet you,” you stutter a little, but deliver your name without too much embarrassment. “So, I’ll see you in an hour?”

There are verbal affirmations and some nodding and you hurry back, wondering if you can even focus on anything other than the fact that you might be sleeping with in the same cabin with one of them later. 

–

You question yourself as you walk to the dining car (you did your makeup and now you think you’re a little silly), wondering if they’ll even show. Like how damn strange are you to offer a bed to three men you do not know? They probably don’t even want to be near you now.

There’s a host at the front of the carriage and you give him your cabin number. 

“I’m waiting on someone…s.” And your ability to speak has been hijacked by your nerves. You’ve spent the last hour in your cabin, earbuds in so you don’t eavesdrop on anything you might hear from next door (not that they only speak in English, but still. It feels invasive). Your mind has tumbled over itself trying to understand what you had done, had said, and the eeriness of how the third man affects you.

Changbin. 

He isn’t your type, as pointless as you think having a type even is. You’ve never found impressive muscles all that impressive.

But...

“Someones? How many?” The host asks you and you feel weirdly interrogated by him, like maybe he doesn’t believe anyone would be sitting with you. That you’d lie about something like that. For what? A table to yourself?

“Um, I think, three.” Confidence would probably be a handy thing right now. 

“Three?”

You open your mouth to reiterate the number of guests when you feel a presence behind you. And you know, even though this is the closest he’s ever been that it’s him. 

“Three,” he states, voice scratchy. You feel his gaze on you. “The other two are coming.”

You swallow and look over. 

But…he is really attractive. 

He’s wearing trousers and a button-down. The dining car does encourage more formal dress and you’ve even slipped on a skirt and nice top for it. His hair is still fluffy and he still wears the glasses, which makes him look way more scholarly than he had just an hour ago. 

“Hi.”

He hasn’t given you much to go on if he feels the same strangeness when you meet eyes or even if he is aware of you beyond that you exist. But there’s a lift at the corner of his lips, a hint of a smirk or smile and it’s devastating. 

“Hey,” he replies, still with that half-grin. “You look nice.”

Oh god, he complimented you?!

“Um, thanks.” You try and pretend that your brain can engage quicker than it is currently. “You do too.” You gesture vaguely. “I like the glasses.”

You do not know this man and yet when the half-grin grows into a full grin, maybe a touch bashful, it feels very familiar and comforting. Like you’ve never seen him smile before and it’s beautiful, but also, that’s exactly how you feel he should smile.

What the fuck is going on right now?

“Jisung can’t tie a tie to save his life, so Chan’s doing it for him,” he explains before looking at the host. “Can we sit or do we have to wait until they get here?”

“We prefer the parties to be all present when–”

“Sure thing.” Changbin makes eye contact with you again and you know that he’s amused at the level of formality the host is emanating. “We’ll be here.” He gestures for you to move over to the side so the next people waiting can move up. He follows and leans against the carriage wall next to you. 

He’s not uncomfortably close by any means, but there’s not ample amounts of space in trains, so he’s close.

He smells good.

“So, what brings you and um, your friends to Scotland?” you begin, willing confidence into your voice and posture. He’s watching the entrance to the dining car but glances at you, the mirthful turn of his lips coming back. 

“Ah, well, inspiration.”

You straighten up. You don’t know what you expected, but that wasn’t it. 

“Really? For what?”

He regards you for another second or two, like he’s seeing if you’re really interested, or if you can be trusted. 

“What’s your guess?”

Way to put you on the spot.

“Damn, that’s unfair.”

He chuckles, crossing his arms over his chest (ARMS). “Yeah, how so?”

“Anything I say will be based on stereotypes. Like I met you an hour ago.”

“Still invited one of us to bed.”

His voice drops with those words and you wonder if he can see the shiver that goes through you (you try and not visibly react, but holy fuck). 

“Yes, well, no red flags.”

His eyebrows raise. “Really?”

You shrug. “Yeah. Unless my detection skills for serial killers are rusty.”

The half-grin again. “Hmm. How do you know your skills are even competent?” His eyes widened. “Have you met a serial killer?”

You laugh because he seems to legitimately think you might have. And there’s something really refreshing about the fact that he has no idea what field you’re in. Maybe you have.

“You first.”

He eyes you with concession. “Musicians. You?”

“Musicians? Really?” 

“No…” he points at you. “You have to say what you do.”

“No I don’t.”

That’s when his friends arrive, with you and a man you don’t know staring at each other in a mock-battle of wits.

“Interrupting something?” Chan says, nearly laughing.

“She…” Changbin starts then his shoulders drop. “I don’t even know.” He glares at you with no malice before going back to the host. 

“Hi again,” you greet them both. Also dressed in somewhat formal attire, Chan and Jisung are as handsome as the man you are thrown by. 

“Hi,” Chan replies and behind him Jisung waves in tiny . 

All of you are ushered to your table. You sit next to the carriage window even though it’s nearly too dark to see outside. There’s a moment of awkwardness as the three of them seem to nonverbally communicate as to where to sit. 

Changbin sits next to you. HIs arm brushes yours as he gets situated and it happens again: the heartbeat, the anticipation, but it’s mellower, more familiar. 

A server comes to the table and the next few minutes are spent in ordering food and drink. You all decide to get a bottle of wine to share.

“So, Changbin says your musicians?” you begin before taking a sip of the merlot, swishing it around in your mouth as though that would tell you something. You’ve done a wine tour or five, and you kinda get it, but you don’t really. It’s just wine. 

You can see both Jisung and Chan look at Changbin in surprise. 

“Oh, he did?” Chan asks, something underlying the innocuous remark. Teasing of some kind; as guys often do. “Yeah.”

“I saw a guitar.” They all look at you and you flush a bit. “I mean, when I saw you guys coming down the hall. There was a guitar case.”

“Observant.” You can just tell Changbin is paying attention. If only to figure out what you do.

“A bit.”

“Musicians…” Chan begins. “Is a little misleading. We can all play, but…” He takes a sip of wine. “We don’t play, like, one of us on drums, a bass, and an electric guitar.” 

“So, non-traditional.” You rest your chin in your hand. 

“We rap,” Jisung says, twisting his wine glass by the stem. “Me and Bin mostly, Chan does the beats, mixes.”

“Ohhhh.” You straighten up. “Okay, that’s awesome…so, do you have a gig in Edinburgh?”

“No, just to write,” Chan sighs. “We’ve been a little stuck lately and yeah.” He looks so despondent about it, so you pat his hand before taking another sip of your wine. He smiles at you like the physical comfort is normal.

“We have a deadline for a full album and we’re way behind,” Changbin explains further and you look over at him. 

“You all are represented and everything? That’s amazing.”

He waves it away as the other two verbally dismiss such an accomplishment. “What about you? What do you do?”

You grin at Changbin’s apparent annoyance that you’ve kept it from him for this long. The corner of his lips lifts in an almost smirk.

Fuck, it’s attractive. 

“Um. Content creator.”

There’s a collection of laughs from them.

“So are we,” Changbin says, leaning a bit closer. “Wanna be more specific?” 

You know you don’t have a great poker face, so when he gets that close, you’re sure all three of them can see that you’re affected. Your face heats, and your breath catches just for a split second.

When have you ever been this partial to a stranger before?

“Travel. Writer, vlogger,” you answer with a lift of your shoulders. He leans back and it’s like you can breathe easier. “I’ve never done a sleeper train before, so here I am.”

There’s a moment where they are all quiet, looking at you with various expressions of incredulity.

“You get paid to travel?”

You laugh at Jisung’s question. “Kinda? I mean, I go and make the content before I’m paid, hoping that someone will want it…monetize it, etc.” It’s always an interesting thing, to see what people think when you explain how you make a living. Some think you must be famous (not even close), or full of shit (maybe you are, but not about work), or some place along that spectrum. 

“That’s amazing,” Changbin speaks next, his tone more thoughtful than sarcastic or derogatory. 

“I’m jealous. I’m so freakin jealous,” Jisung pouts and then sips his wine. “Wait, so when you took a picture of the wine bottle and glass with your lipstick stain on it…it was for work.”

You nod. “It’s honestly the only time I wear lipstick. I kind of hate it most of the time.” You add credence to your words by wiping off your lips with a tissue from the tissue pack you always keep in your purse. Then doing the same to the glass. “Lipstick residue never comes off in the dishwasher…I used to wash for the local tavern in my hometown. The worst.” 

They’re all three looking at you again with various expressions. You think the expressions are positive, but you’ve only known them for an hour and most of that hour you were in your cabin, journaling. 

“Do you have a niche?” Chan asks, “Like a specific type of travel or anything?”

You shrug. “I like train travel. This is my first sleeper cabin, so that’ll be of some focus. But I have a few places in Edinburgh to capture as well.”

“And you can live off of this?” Changbin answers. “Why the fuck are we writing music?” 

You laugh with the others at his thunderstruck question. You turn a bit more toward him, watching how his gaze drops to your now-naked lips then back to your eyes. 

“Because you love it. I assume.” You feel your cheeks heat when he smiles at your sentimentality. The waiter returns to receive your orders, and you try not to smile too large that everyone orders something different. You hope they’ll let you photo each meal. 

“Why Scotland for inspiration?”

Both Changbin and Jisung look at Chan who shrugs, a bit sheepish. 

“Always wanted to. We spend most of our time in South Korea or Australia, so this seemed like something different.”

“‘Stairway to Heaven’ was written on Loch Ness, too,” Jisung offers.

“Yeah, in the house of the creepy af Aleister Crowley…” You lean forward and drop your voice. “You’re not going there, are you?”

“No,” Changbin chuckles. “But you know that story?”

“I’m full of useless knowledge,” you answer. 

“How long have you been doing this?” Changbin asks you. “The traveling and vlogging?”

“A while. The living off of it, only a few years.” You shake your head when he opens his mouth. “My turn. Tell me about how you three became rappers, musicians, a crew.”

“Gonna use it in your content?” Chan asks, a touch of amusement, but also more caution. 

You shake your head. “Not without permission. And usually my stuff is less with people and more places, food, drink. I will totally ask if I can take a photo of each of your meals.”

“I guess that’s okay,” Changbin says. “If you get part of my hand, though, I expect compensation.”

And with that joking remark, your eyes immediately focus on his hands. That’s not a feature you usually think much about in your attraction to men. It takes more about personality and smile, and maybe a lanky form. 

But it says everything about this whole strange experience that when you look at his hands, you actually shiver.

God, this is so damn weird.

“Of course,” You answer. “Also…you didn’t answer. How did you three meet?”

Again, both Changbin and Jisung look at Chan.

“You’re in charge, huh?”

Chan blushes, which is adorable. “I mean…kinda, but just cause I started us…”

“What he will never say is that he studied music production and then found us at the same school, basically said ‘fuck school let’s do our own thing’ and we’ve saved money on tuition and made money…though nothing like insane.” Changbin leans back in his chair, his arm falling to the back of mine before his eyes widen and he drops it. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’ve already invited one of you into my cabin…What are social rules at this point?” You just have no filter today, but the answering laughter from them is comforting. “Since you asked me, what is your niche? Like love songs?”

“Rap love songs?” Jisung asks, mildly disgusted. 

“Love songs is a pretty wide spectrum,” you argue. “From unrequited, to innocent, attraction to just sex, broken hearts, betrayal, cheating. It’s all over the place.” Your question isn’t all that random. Out of the corner of your eye, you’re watching Changbin the moment you mention ‘love’ as though he might say or do something that’ll give you indication that he’s also feeling the same lunacy that you are undergoing.

Nothing. Nothing but just him listening and having a piece of the rustic bread dipped in olive oil the server placed on your table. 

“She has a point. We do write love songs if that’s the umbrella,” Chan says and Jisung pouts again, but while he’s chewing on the bread, his cheeks full, and he looks just like a small woodland creature. “But I wouldn't ever market them as love songs.”

“Doesn’t fit the hip hop crew vibe?”

Changbin snorts. “Not so much.”

“So. What do you write about?” You plop your chin in your hand. “I admit my rap and hip hop knowledge is less than my obscure trivia about Boleskine House.”  

Jisung speaks up, “Just stuff we’re dealing with.” He glances at Chan. “Probably more about growing up and figuring out who you are more than anything.”

“Relatable,” you reply on an exhaled breath. All three of them smile. “Sorry, that was pretty obvious. I guess everyone is still figuring it all out, huh?”

The food arrives a few minutes later and after you get the perfect shots of all the dishes (there are a few with their hands because it’s too aesthetic not to do so) the conversation turns to places to see and visit in Edinburgh and the surrounding areas, things to do, etc. 

“Oh, I’ll definitely try haggis,” you say. 

“Really?” Jisung makes a face. “Isn’t it like…gross?”

“I tend to try most food at least once. I’ve already done blood pudding.” Which means you have to explain it to them. The trio of disgusted faces makes you laugh. “It’s not bad with ketchup.” 

“Bin would probably do the same, though.” Jisung points at him with a beef-laden fork. “He eats anything.”

You turn to Changbin, noting the slight reddening in his cheeks and narrow-eyed glare he gives to Jisung. 

“It’s called being adventurous,” you say in support. “And food is a gift.” You gesture to your plate. “Case in point.”

“A gift?” Chan prompts. 

“I mean, we didn’t have to have taste buds, right? Like we could just have evolved or been created, whatever your origin stance is, without. Food could just be sustenance, something we do without thought, like breathing. But we have all these receptors that give us pleasure.”

“Or disgust,” Jisung says before taking another bite, the cheeks filling out again. 

“Is there pleasure without pain?” 

“Jeez, we got deep,” Chan says, chuckling.

“Could be your next song. The listener will think it’s about life or sex or whatever, but it’s just the three of you debating about food.”

“Life or sex or whatever?” Changbin repeats, turning a little toward you. You make eye contact (maybe you’ve had too much wine), eyebrows up in curiosity. He gestures that you should continue. 

“All literature, and I’d include lyrics in that, boils down to being about love or death. Or simply sex or death.”

Again, it might be the wine, but you swear that when you mention sex his eyes focus more on you. There’s just a slight flicker. 

“And that’s not an original,” you quickly say before going back to your meal. “I learned that in the infinite amount of Lit classes I took in college.” 

“I guess that’s true.” Chan looks thoughtful. “Our songs about identity and growing up is pretty much about doing what you can before death.”

“Speaking of getting deep,” Changbin says. “We should go back to talking about food.” 

“Or pleasure?” Jisung teases. 

Chan cuffs him on the back of the head. He just grins at his friend like being physically chastised is commonplace. 

Probably is. 

It’s brief, the moment of melancholy that hits you when you think of this three-person friendship and how so much of what you do is solitary. 

You blink it away and take another bite of your sea bass, listening to them discuss Edinbrugh castle and the village they have an AirBnb in after two days in the city. 

“Please?” Jisung whines. “We can share the molten chocolate cake?” 

Chan rolls his eyes. “But I don’t want any.”

“I’ll share it with you, Jisung,” you offer. “That or the cheesecake sounds really good.”

“We could do both.”

You giggle at his excited expression. “We could do that.”

“Amazing,” Jisung is thrilled. “You are amazing.” 

“I am often lauded for my sweet tooth.” 

“Only for your sweet tooth?”

The lower tone makes you look at Changbin again. Chan is ‘scolding’ Jisung on the other side of the table about too many sweets and how he’ll be hyper and not sleep, so for the second time this evening, it looks like you and Changbin are speaking alone. 

“Only?” you ask to clarify.

He grins. “I mean, you just used the word ‘lauded’ in regular conversation. I feel like you might get compliments in general.”

“For using big words? Or weird ones? Not really.” 

“Well.” He regards you for a few seconds, eyes not leaving your face. “It’s impressive.”

Your face heats before you can deflect and you drop your gaze because his is overwhelming. 

“Thanks.” 

Dessert is ordered and when received, devoured (even by Chan). When the bill comes, there’s an argument about letting them pay for you, which is won by Jisung saying that since he ‘bullied’ you into getting dessert with him, they should cover it all. You acquiesce only because you convince them to let you get breakfast tomorrow morning (wow, isn’t that suggestive). 

You’ve never been walked to your door before by three men. Granted, they’re just next door and you’ve also never been walked to a train cabin door before. But you recognize that if anyone paid attention to your little party, they might be envious.

You’re kinda envious. Of yourself.

Three of you pause at your door. Jisung continues to the cabin before realizing that everyone else has stopped and readily looks abashed as he comes back the six feet. 

“So,” you begin, scanning your phone over the pad on the door. “I don’t think any one of us is an axe murderer.”

There’s a collective chuckle.

“Who uses axes anymore,” Jisung says before considering. “I don’t suppose that really helps my case.”

Chan pops him lightly on the back of the head again. “I think,” he says to you. “That whoever can just sleep on the extra bed. We’ll keep all our stuff and such in our cabin. If you’re still okay with this. It’s really alright if you’re not. Ax murderers or not, it’s your space.”

You glance at Changbin, remembering the warmth of his arm when it pressed against yours randomly through dinner. 

“That’s fine. I guess brushing your teeth in front of a stranger is pretty weird.”

You hear Changbin’s snort of amusement before looking at him again. It’s hard not to stare at him. It was actually good he sat next to you during dinner, so you had to make the effort to look at him, so it was easy to tell and force yourself not to. Because that’s what you want to do. Memorize everything about him. The line of his jaw, the placement of his dimples when he grins, the rapid-fire of his laugh. 

God, you’re going to need some serious time to process what is going on with you. 

“Yeah, just knock whenever,” you continue, forcing yourself to look away from him. “I’ll probably stay up for a bit to journal and take some notes.”

You don’t ask who will be using the empty bed in your cabin. It’s too weird, beyond what this already is, but you are trying not to give away the way one man keeps stealing your attention and focus. 

You have never done a one-night stand and you don’t think that in a train cabin next to his friends would be a good place to start. 

You bid them a good night and enter your cabin. You lean on the closed door and let out a huge sigh before hurriedly getting ready for bed in the worry that maybe one of them will show up soon.

Also, you probably don’t need all your underthings just out to be seen.

You settle in your pajamas (sweatshirt and shorts because you always forget to buy fun pjs) and situate your laptop and journal in the bottom bunk. More time passes than you think it would take a guy to get ready, but it is kind of early to go to sleep, so you work on just focusing on organizing and writing copy for what you captured today. 

You’re working on describing your supper in good detail when there’s a knock on your cabin door. 

You almost fall in your stumble to get to the door, opening it and staring.

“Hey.”

Changbin, dressed in a sleeveless t-shirt and nylon shorts, stands there, the half-grin in place. He has a small backpack over his shoulder. 

“Hi.” You step back to let him in, watching as he closes the door behind him. “It’s a good look.” You speak before thinking. 

He laughs, leaning on the door. “Thanks, I try.” His eyes drop to take in your sleepwear. “Also, a good look.”

“Scantily-clad lingerie is so overrated.”

“Is it?”

God, you really shouldn’t have wine.

“Um, I took the bottom bunk.” You point to the beds. “Hope that’s okay.”

“It’s your room. I’m just grateful to not have to sleep on the floor. Or try and drown out Jisung’s snoring.” He moves easily toward the beds, climbing up to the top, slinging his bag on the mattress. 

“No axes in there?”

He plops down, legs having over the side and his grin widens. “Just a tiny one. In case I need to defend myself.”

“From me?” 

“Or Dementors.”

It’s easy to laugh and it decreases the tension a little especially when he swings his legs as you move back to your little nest on your bed. 

“So. What’re you doing?” He moves so he’s laying down and looking over the side of the bunk at you. You look up, finding the fact that you chose to put the man on top of you (with space and a bed in between but still) probably a dumb dumb idea. 

“Working. Or more like brainstorming. I still need to figure out where I want to go, when, how, etc. I make itineraries, but really flexible ones because if I’m too rigid, I don’t have fun.”

“Makes sense.” He goes quiet for a second. “Can I…be really self-involved for a second?”

“Absolutely. It’s encouraged.”

He grins again and hurries down to the floor next to where you have tucked yourself in. He gestures to the open space at the foot.

You nod and he sits before offering wireless headphones. 

“Want to listen to something we finished last week?”

“Absolutely,” you say again, reaching out with almost ‘grabby hands’. He laughs at your enthusiasm and leans in to place the headset over your ears. Your smile fades with him that close. It’s a move, it has to be. There’s no way he doesn’t know what he’s doing. His face is about a foot or so away from yours and you want to touch his cheeks and feel if they are soft and smooth like they appear. He meets your eyes once the headphones are in place and there’s a softness in his curled lips. 

You absolutely want to kiss a stranger. 

He sits back and opens his phone to press play. “Too quiet?”

The instrumentation is soft, so you nod and he presses the side of his phone a few times before you nod again. 

You aren’t sure what you expected, but it wasn’t this. It’s not hip hop, with its intense beats and rhythm. There is synth and piano at a much softer, flowy-ier tempo. 

“Oh it’s pretty,” you say quietly. He smiles but then looks down at the phone as you listen. You wonder if he can sense where you are in the song with just watching the time counter move along. 

You wonder who does the higher notes, whose voice is harsh and rough, who sounds more like he could be in a choir. 

The song ends abruptly and you startle at it, glancing at Changbin. 

“We don’t have the ending quite right yet.”

“I think it should fade out,’ you say, again without thinking. “I mean, I know nothing about how to put a song together–”

“But you like music, so noted.” His smile is warm. “You liked it?”

“Very much. It’s…what I could understand cause I assume Korean?”

“You assume correct.” 

“It’s about dreams changing? Like how you wanted one thing and you realize that what you wanted has changed into something perhaps less impressive, but still matters to you?” Your eyes widen as you remove the headphones. “Or I could be projecting.”

He chuckles and reaches out for the headphones, his hand touching yours and you try to not shiver at the errant contact (can you still blame the wine?).

“No, that’s there. Maybe not as thought out as what you just said.” He fiddles with the headphones. “You’re really smart.”

“No. I just overthink.”

He makes a face at you, disapproving. “You’re smart. Take the compliment. The lauding.” 

You look away, feeling flushed. “Thank you.” Then you look back. “It’s really beautiful, Changbin. Like I was going to search for your music anyway, and listen and then decide how to tell you what I thought without being like super judgy or whatever, but wow.”

“Thanks.” He nods to your computer. “I showed you mine, you show me yours?”

The terminology (innuendo, wtf) makes you feel more than you should about trading work content with someone, but you nod and turn your laptop around, finding your YouTube channel and choosing a video from last year when you were in Barcelona, walking around to see every Anton Gaudi piece of architecture. He watches, occasionally glancing up at you.

“You don’t show yourself much.”

“Oh, yeah, well, it’s not about me. It’s about the experience. No one needs to see me to see the food, the sights.” 

“But they can hear you.” You do narrate quite a bit.

“Well, that’s done mostly after because then I can figure out what I want to say, clearly.”

“You have a nice voice.”

“Oh. Thank you.” You point to his phone. “Which voice are you?”

“Which do you think?” 

“That’s not fair. Our speaking voices don’t always match our performing ones.” You pout and he grins. 

“Guess.”

You sigh as though it’s a burden and he chuckles, eyes back on the video. 

“The low one. Like the raspier one.”

He smirks. “Good guess.”

“It’s nice. Like rough, but soothing too?” 

He stares at you as the video ends. 

“What?” Now you’re even more flustered. 

“Dunno. Kinda fascinated.”

You want to ask him. Does he feel it too? This weird something between you. But you actually think that might make the strange occurrence of him sleeping above you even more awkward. 

You turn your laptop back around and look at the screen like you can focus on anything but him. 

“I, uh, won’t be up much longer,” you begin, stuttering a bit as you can still feel his eyes on you. “So you can sleep soon.”

“We tend to late hours, the guys and me, so it’s more like I might keep you up.”

Your eyes dart to his, the tension back so strongly that you actually curl your fingers into the bedding as though it might keep you from reaching out to touch him. 

“Oh.” Smooth, very smooth.

He sits back, but doesn’t make any move to remove himself from your bed. “So…I feel like you should definitely see us at some point. Like come to Linlithgow when we’re there.”

“I should?”

He nods, resting on the opposing wall. HIs feet are still off, but the rest of him is on your bed. It’s intimate, a sleepover with a friend. 

A really attractive friend.

“Like after you do what you need to in the city…?” He glances at his hands then at you. “If you want.”

“I wouldn’t not want.”

He laughs.

“Sorry, that was terrible English,” you wave it away. “I wouldn’t want to disturb you guys though. You’re doing this to work.”

“Inspiration comes from all types of things. Including new people.” He looks like he might say more, but moves to get off the bed and you feel it acutely. “Besides,” he says as he starts back up into his bunk. “It shouldn’t all be work, right? All work, no play and all that?”

Why does he have to look so appealing saying the word ‘play’? You are so very tempted to say something about him staying in your bed, to play, to tease, to taste.

Too much. 

“Something like that.” If he hears the tremor in your voice, he doesn’t comment. 

You hear him settle in the bed above you and you try to focus on your work, though it’s not easy, hyper-aware of him as you are. 

“Hey.”

“Hmm?”

“This is dumb, but I’m really glad I got to meet you guys.”

There’s rustling and you look up to see him peer at you over the side of the bunk. He’s grinning. 

“It’s not dumb. And same.” Again he looks like he might say something else, but he just winks at you. “G’night.”

“Night. Sweet dreams.”

“Yeah, I hope so.” He laughs and rolls back over. You continue to do what you can; listening to the tinny sounds of whatever he’s vibing to on his phone, hearing each shift he makes in bed. You make decent progress and plan to record the audio sometime in your hotel room tomorrow night. You close down all your electronics, before getting up and moving to turn off the lamp light on the small table by the door. You carefully make your way back to your bunk.

“Again, night, neighbor.” His voice is impossibly lower and it makes you jump even if you assumed he wasn’t asleep yet. 

“Good night, Changbin.”

You curl up under the duvet and look outside at the pitch-black dark night before pulling the cord for the blinds and closing your eyes. 

–

When you wake up, the sun is just peeking over the horizon, the light diffused through the blinds right next to where you sleep. Despite being a little concerned that you might not sleep since you have a cabin mate, you actually wake feeling decently well-rested. Not that you are happy that the sun is making itself known in your face, but it isn’t the worst wake-up call. 

You stretch before reaching for your phone. You hear a deep inhale and it makes you freeze in your movements.

Right. A near-stranger slept in your cabin.

You stare up at the underside of the top bunk, mentally reviewing everything that happened yesterday. 

You are no closer to understanding why you feel so drawn to the man in your cabin than you were yesterday. 

With a sigh, you push yourself out of bed, stretching again once you’re on your feet. You move to the other side of the window, moving the blinds just enough so you can see out. 

It’s hard not to smile at the landscape that rushes by. The rolling hills, the sparse trees, the rock walls and hedges that provide simple borders. 

You hear the shifting in the top bunk and quickly drop the blinds.

He says your name, voice low and rough from sleep.

It takes you a second to respond, to make your voice not sound at all affected by just how much hearing him say your name in that tone warms you to near scorching. 

“Morning.”

You see him peer over at you, face flushed from sleep and eyes all squinty. 

It’s as devastating as when he’d been dressed up last night. 

“Time’isit?” he slurs, voice low and rumbly. 

“Not quite seven.”

He groans and rolls to his back. “Why up?”

You chuckle at the sleepy caveman speak. “Just woke up. Go back to sleep. I’ll be quiet.”

He snorts, rolling back over and propping himself up on one elbow, cheek to hand. “It’s your room. I can go back next door.” He blinks a few times as though you might be finally coming into focus. He smiles, as sleepy and cute as can be. “Though Ji and Chan might be violent if I wake them up.”

“Wouldn’t want you harmed,” you reply, and waves dismissively. “Go on, go back to sleep.”

He nods slow before letting his arm drop with the rest of him. You wait to see if he’s going to say more, but you hear the even breathing after a few seconds and it makes you smile. 

Seems like he’s good at that.

You gather your things for the day to take to the bathroom compartment down the hall (having showered the night before, but you aren’t about to change in the same room even if he is asleep). When you get back, you do some simple skincare and makeup before starting to pack everything up for disembarking in a few hours. 

There’s a loud thump sound from the other side of the wall, then muttered words (not English, you assume Korean) before another voice joins in and it’s not horribly loud, but it is noticeable. 

The other two must be awake.

“Changbin?” you say softly, not wanting to shock him awake. You move over to the bunks, again saying his name. Then you lightly touch his shoulder.

He hums before blinking his eyes open. He grins at you. 

“Missed me?”

“Of course.”

His eyes widen because you don’t argue and that makes you laugh. You point toward the wall. 

“Your friends are up.”

He turns, hair sticking out in all directions as he listens to the muted voices of his bandmates. He nods before sitting up. He searches the bedclothes before finding his phone. He points down toward the small nightstand. You grab his glasses as he opens his mouth.

“Can you–” He stops when you hand them to him. “Oh.”

You chuckle again and walk back to your suitcase, zipping it up and starting to fill your backpack with your journal and laptop and other vlogger accessories. 

“Hey.”

You look over to see him climbing down. He runs a hand through his hair, before shrugging.

“Thanks.”

“Oh. You’re welcome.” You feel your face heat with embarrassment. “Truly not a problem. Thanks for not being an ax murderer.”

He laughs before grabbing his bag from the carpet and moving toward the door. He pauses as he opens it then offers you his phone. 

“I…I can text you when we head to breakfast? If you want?” He is blushing slightly and you feel an immense amount of gratitude that he initiates the exchanging of contact information. You had been mulling over and over about the best way to make sure you could keep in contact with your next door neighbors (especially Changbin) and how not to make it obvious that you are interested (unless you should make it obvious…cause you are…right?…this weird connection is just…attraction…of some strange degree?) or awkward.

You nod to ease his discomfort and take his phone, fingers brushing and that definitely elicits some frissons. You input your number and hand it back. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay,” he says before giving you a large grin and heading out into the hallway. You look around the door to see and make sure he gets into his room. The door opens after he knocks and there’s a loud ‘Hyung!’ before he’s pulled in. 

You let out a breath.

Breakfast (preceded by a short ‘hungry?’ text from an unknown number - now not unknown) is much more relaxed than dinner was, the guys chatting about the cabin and decent sleep though Chan does complain about Jisung’s snoring to which Changbin who sits next to you again, says that you don’t snore with a familiar grin, discussing if they should store their bags and immediately go to Ediburgh castle, or check in at their hotel first then go.

As Jisung rants about how heavy their equipment is after prolonged carrying, Changbin leans over to you.

“Kinda silly, but promise me something?”

Is this it? Is he going to say something about the weird link that you feel…that he feels it too?

“Maybe.”

He scrunches up his nose at your cryptic response. 

“Don’t have haggis without me? I need moral support.”

It’s so not where your brain went that you have no idea what expression is on your face, but you laugh at the surprise of the request because only you are spiraling about this whole thing. He seems blissfully unaware.

Lucky him.

“I can keep that promise.”

He smiles back, squeezing your arm which repeats the tingles from earlier but more of them and you watch him, to see if anything in his face or reaction gives anything away.

Are you just the one losing your mind?

Perhaps it’s good that you’ll be on your own for a few days in the city before deciding whether or not to go meet up with them in Linlithgow (you refuse to admit that it’s 100% likely that you will). Maybe time away from him will fix your brain. Or whatever has you in such confusion. 

You all return to your respective cabins as arrival time is ahem, arriving soon. 

Changbin pauses by your door as the other two continue to their cabin. You stop half-way into the room. 

“Yes??”

He presses his lips together. “Nothing. Just seeing that you get in safely.”

“Going for the knight-in-shining-armor role?”

He doesn’t answer your teasing immediately, expression more contemplative. 

“Maybe.” There's a quick smile at the end of that, like he knows he’s being as cryptic as you were earlier. He takes a step closer, probably the closest that he’s been face-to-face with you. “That okay?”

Your breath hitches at his nearness and he has to hear it. His smirk is subtle, not as confident, but far more enticing. His eyes drop from yours to your mouth and back up so quickly that you almost believe you made it up.

But when he steps back, you’re sure you didn’t. Which means the butterflies in your stomach are not alone. 

Maybe he has a few too.

“Yeah. That’s okay.”  

He nods before walking to his cabin, looking back once then entering. You do the same. 

The train reaches Edinburgh Waverley station within the next twenty minutes and soon you are back on solid ground, less than 24 hours later, but, as you stand with the guys as they check their phone GPS, it is a very different you than previous. 

Even if it’s only you and not him. 

“So…” Jisung begins once they have decided they know where they’re going. “We’ll see you?”

You smile. “Most likely.” You glance at Changbin who raises his eyebrows. “Probably yes. I’ll let you know.”

“Have fun, then. Be safe, yeah?” Chan says and comes over to hug you like that level of familiarity has been established between all of you. You don’t mind. Not a bit, and you’re grateful that he is so unawkward about it. He’s warm and smells good, like sun-warmed grass. He releases you before hefting the guitar over his shoulder and heading toward the street level. Jisung, notably more reserved, waves at you before following Chan. 

You look at Changbin who hasn’t looked away. Feeling bold because ‘what the hell’, you open your arms in a blatant hug invitation, and he laughs before sliding off his shoulder bag and coming up to wrap his arms around you.

Oh god in heaven, wow. 

Chan was warm, but Changbin is searing. The weather this far north is chilly and though you’ve dressed for such a change, Changbin is far better as a heater than your hoodie. You hope you’re not being creepy when your eyes close and you breathe in; spicy and floral. You feel him turn his head a bit, his arms tighten, but then he lets go almost abruptly. You feel a whine at the back of your throat but you swallow it down. 

He tucks his hands into his pockets.

“Text once and awhile. Okay?” His smile is sheepish. “So this knight doesn’t worry.”

“Will do, Mr. Knight.” 

He jogs off, bag back on his shoulder, after his friends and they soon disappear among the crowd of morning commuters. 

You have many things to do but you don’t immediately start because if only for a moment, you feel bereft.

–

You spend four days in Edinburgh. You go to the castle though you’ve been before because it really is one of the loveliest sights in the country. You take your camera to The Writers Museum, showcasing it because it’s super interesting and also free admission. Not free really because you buy a ridiculous amount of souvenirs from the gift shop. You tell yourself and your followers that you’ll use them as gifts, even offering a few as a giveaway. 

You (on encouragement from a few comments) decided to do one of the haunted walking tours (there are several to choose from), checking with those in charge that your recording will not be a problem. They seem delighted for the free publicity and some spooky tales or shots will be a lot of fun.

You temporarily forget that you don’t like scary things.

It’s halfway through the tour and you are doing your best to record, listen and not gasp in terror or cover your ears like a child who doesn’t like what they are being told. You know your heart is pumping so fast because you feel it and why did you do this to yourself?

There’s a split second of you wishing Changbin was with you and hugging you again because that is your most recent memory of feeling safe. Hugs are naturally just a wonderful thing, but his had gone beyond that.

In your time alone in the city, you’ve given some thought to the strange draw you have to a stranger (though less of a stranger now). You definitely have found random people you run across in your travels as attractive. You aren’t blind. Beauty in people is just as soul-reviving as beauty in landscape and architecture. 

You’ve dated, but not lately. Your job can keep you away for periods at a time and though you’ve never been seriously tempted to be unfaithful, your partners have been more paranoid. That lack of trust bothered you more than any idiosyncrasies in dealing with combining two lives together. 

You have never seen someone in passing and felt like if you didn’t meet, didn’t talk, didn’t have a moment to interact; that you would spend your days living in regret. The desire to know someone has never possessed you at any point that you can remember. And now that you do know him a little? It just makes you want to know more. In a mental list, you have questions you want to ask him. 

He’s texted you. Photos of their time in Edinburgh; the castle and classic tattoo performance, all the food and drink, the statues that he and his friends sometimes pose like or with. You’ve texted back comments and suggestions. You’ve sent photos you wouldn’t use on your platforms; silly ones that would make the blooper reel if you had one for your life, ones that are just moments in your wanderings that you think he might like. You exchange song recommendations. You didn’t know he’d also like ballads, and softer songs. 

You’ve looked them up on youtube (they never mentioned their group name, but a search of ‘chan, jisung, changbin’ only brings up one group) and listened to their songs. It’s not your typical listening, but you like it. You buy an album digitally and when you just walk through the streets, you pop in your earbuds and listen to them. You look up lyrics when you have a moment, Korean being the dominant language in all their songs. You mull over the themes of their work, it makes you add new mental questions to that list. 

You get a photo of their little Airbnb when they are in Linlithgow. There’s pictures of the sun reflecting on the loch, the castle in the distance. Chan in front his laptop with music making paraphernalia. Jisung with his forehead furrowed, scribbling something on paper. 

Changbin making a duck face selfie.

>>Haggis soon?

The text comes in when you are in your inn room, editing more recent footage. Your time is coming to an end in the city and you’ve not said anything because you aren't sure they, or he, will still want you to come visit. Your original plan was to stay only a few days, maybe a day trip somewhere near, and then get back on the train to London. 

Plans change.

<<if you still want to? you’re supposed to be writing great masterpieces.

>> (pout emoji) 

<<not going well?

>>it’s okay. it’s really peaceful here and i get distracted by just sitting on a bench, watching people. 

<<i know for a fact that’s good for inspiration.

>>you’re avoiding answering my question. Are you coming to see us?

<<I booked a room for tomorrow night. Celebratory haggis for dinner?

>>YES

You’ve adjusted your train ticket back to London, giving yourself more time, but you can’t help but wonder what will happen when you go back home and he goes back to Korea. 

–

When you first ran into the trio, you weren’t nervous because you didn’t know. This time around, your heart is prematurely thumping like you’ve run all the way from Edinburgh. You’ve checked into your room at the pub/inn you’re staying at, then back on the street to view the centuries old architecture. It’s definitely a wet day, the clouds are ominous, so you’ve thrown your umbrella into your backpack and layered under your hoodie. 

You have plans for dinner with them; a local restaurant that the owner of their Airbnb recommended. There’s no reason for you to see them before that. But despite that knowledge, you keep your eyes peeled (what a weird phrase, honestly) for any familiar sightings. 

You walk along the street, trying to remember to look down because the streets are not even in these old villages and you wouldn’t say you’re clumsy, but you wouldn’t say you’re grace personified either. The buildings are magnificent though. The style sends you back to books you’ve read about tiny villages and murder mysteries that never scare you, just make you want to live in a cozy place and live a cozy life. 

You pause in front of the third pub you’ve passed by, wondering if going in for a drink would settle the buzz of nerves currently rippling through you. 

You hear your name.

You turn to see Changbin jogging up to you with a grin on his face, and he’s pulled you into a hug before you can piece together that he’s on his own, without his friends. 

“You didn’t say you were here yet,” he says, voice muffled by your hair before he draws back, still grinning. 

It’s stronger, the tether that you’ve felt since first laying eyes on him. You want to kiss him. 

Like really really want to kiss him. 

The urge startles you and you take a second to smile back, to cover that insane desire. You barely know him. What you know, you like, but you need to chill. 

“Hi.” 

Good job. Real eloquent and normal.

He laughs and squeezes your arm before letting go. He’s wearing sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a backwards snapback. 

It’s so casual and normal, and you feel a bit light-headed.

You almost move to hug him again. 

“Where’s the rest of 3racha?”

He shrugs. “Ji is currently down the rabbit hole of youtube, and Chan is frustratedly working on a track and does not want any outside input at the moment. I decided to go for a workout.” He smiles again, tugging on the straps of his gym bag that’s hanging on his shoulder.. “And I found you.”

His smile drops when you don’t say anything. 

“I mean, unless you’re working right now? I’m sorry. You probably are and–”

“No, I’m sorry, I just…” You trail off, trying to figure out how the simple ‘I found you’ with that amount of sincerity destroys you, in all the best ways, and you can’t share that with him. “I’m kinda always working, so please, distract me.”

That pretty rose color lightens his cheeks and you wonder if maybe your words carried more underneath them than just a casual ‘let’s hang’ vibe.

“Wanna go work out?” he asks, teasing. You look down at your all-terrain boots and jeans then back at him. “No?”

“I guess these aren’t god-given?” You poke his arm, trying not to laugh when he flexes. You think it’s probably instinctual. 

He eyes you suspiciously but there’s still that hint of smile on his lips. “Nope. Requires maintenance.”

“My maintenance is just the walking I do for work.”

He nods. “Wanna walk then?” He zips up his windbreaker, seeming okay with the change in plans. 

“You don’t…don’t you want to go build muscle or something?”

He shakes his head. “Not right now.” He nods in the direction you were heading. “Come on. I’ll show you a nice spot.” He takes your hand and starts walking. You don’t resist.

Why would you?

His hand is warm, a little rough with calluses (probably from those beloved barbells). He’s speaking but for a few seconds you don’t comprehend because it’s been ages since you’ve had your hand held; nothing beyond a handshake or someone maybe helping you in and out of a mode of transportation. 

And it’s just so nice. 

“We haven’t tried there yet.” His words finally come into being understandable, even though you are still fixated on your hand in his. “But I want to. I think pubs might be one of my favorite things about the U.K.”

“No pubs in Korea?”

He takes you down a narrow street, cobblestoned and a little smelly. The wind picks up because of the condensed space and you shiver. 

“You’ve never been?”

“To Korea? No. Not yet.” It’s on your list. As is most of east Asia. Perhaps now, knowing them, you might put your focus on affording that type of trip. 

“Pubs aren’t really a thing. Not like here. There’s bars, restaurants that you drink in, but it doesn’t quite have the same laid-back feel.” He pauses at the curb, waiting for a cab to pass. Then he continues on, still holding your hand and you think it’d be really easy for him to lead you anywhere. 

“Same. I mean, for the States. We have bars, clubs. I feel like coffee houses are close to the same vibe, but generally no alcohol.”

He’s led you to a small park, complete with wrought iron benches and trees that if it was spring or summer, would be full of green. Full of leaves and would block the view of the still lake beyond the bank.

“Oh.”

“Right? It’s really pretty.” He tugs you toward one of the benches that faces the lake, where the reflection of the local castle is near perfect, minus a few rolls that warp the shape of the towers when wind touches the water. He sits and you sit, staring at the picturesque beauty. 

He lets go of your hand and you have to hold yourself back from taking it again.

You pull out your GoPro, opening it before getting up to find a few angles. 

“I watched some of your videos. When are you putting up the Edinburgh ones?”

You frame the castle reflection before capturing it digitally. “Probably in a day or two. It takes awhile to edit and do the voiceover. Also…” You glance back at him. “I don’t like to post when I’m in the same place. In case there are any–”

“Ax murderers?”

You smile. “Yeah.”

“That’s smart.” He leans back on the bench, letting his small gym bag fall to the ground. 

Manspreading is something you normally despise, especially on public transportation, but as with everything else, Changbin is the exception. 

An image of you climbing onto his lap flashes through your mind, and you spin around to look back at the castle, mortified at your own thoughts. It seems invasive to think of him like that. 

“Which videos did you watch?”

“Some of your first ones.”

You turn back to him in horror. “You didn’t.”

He grins, as though pleased that he’s made you embarrassed. “There’s a lot more of you in those. How old are you then?”

“Gah, right out of university.” You shake your head as you walk back to sit on the bench with him. “I knew nothing.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“The editing is mediocre, the shots and angles are pedestrian, my voice is–”

He’s laughing. 

“I can’t believe you went back that far.”

He raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t listen to our first songs?”

“To be fair,” you begin, caught but ready to defend. “You have less songs than I have videos, because your songs take more work…” He’s still grinning and you shrug. “‘Wow’ is especially enjoyable.”

Now it’s his turn to look away and grimace in pain. “Yeah. If fans didn’t love it, ironically probably, I’d make that disappear.”

“Shows how far you’ve come.”

He looks back at you, eyes warming. “Same for you.”

The warmth is unnerving and you look back at the perfect view of water and architecture. “You come out here a lot?”

“I’ve been twice? Since we’ve been here. I don’t usually just sit and stare out into nothing. That’s more Ji’s thing. He’s the introvert.”

“And Chan?”

He sits up and rests his forearms on his thighs, watching a lady push a stroller while talking on the phone. “He’s a workaholic. Even more than Ji and I. Sometimes I have to wrestle him into bed so he can get some sleep.”

“Can you take him in a fight?”

He smirks. “He’s taller, but I’m stronger.”

You mimic his position, watching the branches seesaw with the wind. “Who wrestles you into bed?” The moment you say it, you recognize what else it could mean. That perhaps just being around him layers your words with implications that hint and tease and lure. 

You feel his gaze, but you stubbornly look at the trees, even though you’re sure he can see the heat on your cheeks.

“No one. Lately.”

You swallow and let your eyes drift to him. He seems undaunted by your words or even his response. You think you could ask him, right now, if he’s having the same feelings as you; a practical stranger. You think he would tell you the truth. 

But you hear the sound of a vibrating phone and he jolts at it, letting out a huff before pulling it out of his pocket to answer.

“Yeah?” The conversation moves into Korean and you do hear your name, but the rest of it is lost to you. You sit up, messing with the settings on your GoPro, taking a few shots, trying to capture the quiet in a photo.

“That was Chan.” Changbin tells you. “It’s early, but Ji is starving.” He rests his arm on the back of the bench, his fingers centimeters from your arm. “Hungry?”

“I can always eat.”

He smiles at that, standing up to grab his bag and fit it on his shoulder before offering his hand. “Same, really.”

If you post those castle photos, you aren’t sure what you'll caption them, as your biggest impression of that hour was holding Changbin’s hand. 

–

“You didn’t!?” You cover your mouth as you laugh, hilarity infecting Jisung and Chan as well. Changbin looks pained as he stares at his plate. “You looked it up. You shouldn’t have.”

“I always check what I’m about to put in my body,” he answers, lips in near pout. “I knew it was going to be unusual, but…”

Haggis sits on his plate, awaiting a first bite, and you think, it looks a bit sad that it hasn’t been partaken yet. 

It might be the beer you’ve all had, but the giggling doesn’t cease. You lean over and cut it open, taking a forkful without even asking him. Later, you’ll blame intoxication. 

“See?” You take a bite, chewing and grinning at him. Then you pause. “Okay, that’s excellent.” 

He doesn’t look very convinced. “I…”

You grab his fork, do the same and offer it to him. “No regrets. If you hate it, at least it is an informed opinion.”

His lips part at the beckoning expression you give him. The other two are still laughing, teasing him, but the way he looks at you seems to drown them out. Like it all fades and you swear you can hear how his breathing changes, as though his heart speeds up.

“Come on, you’ll never know unless you try.” 

He lets you feed him, something you’ve never done outside a few gigs babysitting as a teenager. And it wasn’t like this.

It takes far too long for you to drag your eyes from his lips, to look up to his eyes, to see if he liked the Scottish delicacy.

His thoughtful face is cute. 

You set the fork down, drawing back, as though you’ve finally realized just how forward, how flirty you’ve been. You know there’s nothing wrong with it, if he’s not bothered, but you feel bashful nonetheless. 

You aren’t usually this person. Not since you were in school, when opportunities to meet and date seemed endless. 

“So?” Jisung pipes up. “Verdict?”

Changbin swallows, turning from you to his friends. “It’s actually…pretty good.”

Jisung takes that as permission, grabbing his own bite, as does Chan. You coerce yourself into watching them, not him, as they make similar confused and pensive expressions. As you do, you muse that you aren’t sure how three friends could all be so handsome, each in their own way.

Why only one of them seems to be bewitching you.

He’s sitting next to you again, but it’s in a booth not separate chairs, and though you aren’t touching, you can feel the heat of him in the few inches between you. 

“Maybe not something I’d eat all the time,” Chan says. “But certainly not gross.”

Jisung nods. “Especially if I don’t think about what it is.” He even takes another bite. 

Changbin fiddles with his fork before taking a swallow of his pint. 

“I like it.”

You smile. 

The guys mostly talk music for the rest of the meal. Chan even apologizes to you, but you wave it off. You’re fascinated by artists of any kind, how they create. You sip your cider, listening to them, even when they forget you and speak in Korean. It’s a nice, hazy feeling. The coziness of the pub, the talking around you, voices with different accents, the music filling in any lull in conversation. 

Perhaps the cider is stronger than you thought.

“You falling asleep?” 

You tilt your head toward him. He’s removed the snapback, run his hand through his hair a few times and you want to do the same. 

“No.”

“You sure?” 

You are slumped against the back of the booth, warm and comfortable. In a distant part of your brain, you chastise that you haven’t taken more photos or video of the meal, but it’s nice. Nice to be here. 

“I think she’s fading.” You hear Chan. You shake your head. “How early did you get up today?”

“Not early…I just haven’t slept super well since the haunted walking tour thingy.” It isn’t until Changbin touches your bottom lip that you realize you’re pouting.

And that he’s touched you. 

“Was that fun?” Jisung asks, animated. 

“No. Not by myself.” You watch Changbin who has gone back to his food and beer. “Probably would be fun with someone.” 

He glances at you and holds your gaze for a few seconds before saying something to Jisung about his horror film obsession. 

You don’t fall asleep, but you are definitely close when you fight them for the bill. You win this time. 

The walk outside into the night is a good wake up, the air far chillier than when the four of you entered the establishment. You wrap your arms around yourself, not too cold, but not warm either. 

“Nightcap?” Chan asks. “I don’t think I can go back to working just yet.”

“I want to,” you say. “But I think I need to go to bed.”

“Rain check,” he says, smiling fondly. “Come on, Ji.” He wraps his arm around his younger friend. “First one’s on you.”

“Why me?” He complains as the two of them cross the street to a pub that sounds and looks lively. They both wave at you before disappearing through the doors. 

“I’ll walk you back.”

“You can go on,” you protest, shivering a little. “I know how to get back.”

He pulls up the hood over your hair, tightening the strings. “I’m walking you back.” He states again, taking your hand. 

You aren’t about to refuse.

“Don’t you want to go with them?”

He gives you a look that you can’t really decipher. When he lets go of your hand, you open your mouth to argue, but he wraps his arm around your waist to pull you close. It’s a second later that you feel a group of people walk by, nonverbally explaining why he does so.

You look up at him, your hand on his chest.

“They were–I mean–” He is blushing, before releasing you. “I didn’t want you to get bumped into.”

“Thanks.”

He nods, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep going. You loop your arm with his. He almost stumbles but doesn’t say anything.

Neither do you.

It’s a few minutes more until you’re in front of your lodging.

“Well…” you begin, but he enters. “Changbin I can…”

“I know you can, but I want to.” There’s a stubborn set to his jaw and mouth and you resist cooing over it because for someone who could probably lift you with ease, he’s adorable. 

You wave at the innkeeper, trying not to look shameful that you are bringing someone up the stairs with you. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it does feel cheap, as though this person you’ve met days ago is just a fling. Not someone making sure that you are safe in your room, not someone that you find yourself thinking about hourly. 

Not someone important.

You stop in front of your room, pulling out the skeleton key and unlocking it before turning to your bodyguard. 

“Thank you for seeing me to my room, Mr. Knight.”

He smiles at the reference. “You’re welcome.” He moves to slip the hood off your head, smoothing your hair. “I hope you sleep better.”

“Me too.”

He swallows and you watch the movement of his throat with avid interest. “I’m gonna…I’m gonna work out tomorrow morning, but do you want to do anything? Together? I could help you record or whatever, if you wanted.” He’s got his hands in his pockets again, his windbreaker zipped all the way up, eyes wide and inquiring. 

“Fuck, you are so cute,” you breathe. His eyes get even wider. “Like, sorry, that’s…you are. Really attractive.”

“Oh. Thanks.” He’s so taken aback by your words that you giggle. That smirk returns, painting him far more confident than he just was. He moves a few steps closer. “Is that a yes?”

He is so close.

“Yes?”

He grins even more. “To tomorrow? Hanging out.” He takes one of the strings of your hoodie, tugs it lightly and wraps it around his finger. 

“Sure. I’ll put you to work carrying my stuff.”

He tilts his head down, his eyes dropping to your lips. “I can do that.” His nose touches yours. “And same by the way.”

“Hmm?” You can’t look away from his mouth.

“You’re also really cute. Attractive.” He pauses to let that sink in. “Pretty.” He moves so carefully and your eyes fall shut, sure to feel his lips on yours, but you don’t.

He kisses you on the cheek. Your eyes flutter open and he’s watching you, searching. He starts to pull back, but you grasp the collar of his windbreaker, halting his retreat. 

Your name falls from his lips, and you figure what the hell.

You kiss him. 

It’s a bit forceful, perhaps your coordination is off from the drinking, but his little grunt when your lips meet makes you soften immediately. Your grip relaxes, your hands seeking out the curls at the nape of his neck. You feel him tremble, then you feel his hands on your hips.

Your head falls back against the door as he licks into your mouth, apparently no longer caught off guard by your forwardness. He tastes a little bitter from the beer he imbibed, but the heat, his tongue curling with yours makes your fingers tighten as though holding onto his shoulders might keep you from collapsing. 

One hand captures you by the jaw, a gentle maneuvering so he can kiss you deeper. You hear his hat fall to the floor when your greedy fingers card through his hair, soft and silky. He takes a step in, and his hips align with yours.

It’s like fireworks explode under your skin. 

In case you questioned whether or not he was interested, you aren’t questioning now. He’s hard, pressed against you in a way that makes you hungrier than you’ve ever been. 

You absolutely crave him. 

His mouth leaves yours, and you whimper at the loss. There’s a dark chuckle, arrogant, before he graces your neck with soft pecks, ending with a nip and a suck, right near your collarbone, your hoodie pushed aside to let him taste. 

You stutter his name. 

There’s a pause in his ministrations, his thumb running along your lower lip. He raises his head as your eyes open. You can see a reflection of your desire in his eyes, in the focus of his gaze. 

His thumb pulls on your lip, as though seeking the wet heat of your mouth. Your tongue flicks the tip and his eyes go even darker. You think maybe he growls before slotting his mouth back over yours, tongue stroking and enticing. 

There’s a creak of footsteps coming up the stairs and you break apart, chests heaving with breathlessness. His face is flushed, hair and eyes a little wild, and you wonder if this is how he looks post workout, post other exertions.

A runaway thought about licking the sweat off his neck ping-pongs in your brain, but you won’t ever verbalize it. 

You both wait until the guest passes down the hall to their room before either of you speak. He leans down to grab his hat.

“Do we blame the beer?” you ask softly.

“You had cider.”

It’s almost petulant, his words, and it surprises a laugh out of you. His answering smile is soft, and he cups your cheek in his hand. 

“You should go sleep.” His index finger taps lightly on your ear, playful.

You want to protest, to invite him in, but this evening has already sped past any rules you’ve ever had in place for dating and sex. 

A moment to process, to think. 

“Yeah.”

He kisses you again, but it’s chaste and sweet. A good night kiss as though you two are familiar with each other. 

“Message me when you wake up?” His voice is barely a whisper. His nose slides along yours before he drops another kiss and backs up. “Sweet dreams.”

“Yeah.” You are incapable of anything more eloquent than that at the moment. He grins, squeezing your hand before heading toward the stairs. You open the door, still with your back against it, resistant to look away. 

“Night.”

“Good night,” you answer before finally shutting the door behind you. You allow yourself the cliche romantic moment of leaning and sliding down to the floor, completely enamored.

–

You wake and check your phone out of habit. 

Wanna do breakfast? 

It was nearly an hour ago that it was sent, but you hope it’s still an option. The overabundance of cider ensured you slept hard last night, which given how much the man at the other end of this text filled your brain, you are grateful. Because it’s a new day. Sun’s coming up and things that are easy and make sense late into the night, under the influence of alcohol, sometimes feel rather foolish in the light of day.

You want to see him. After last night, after kissing, touching…just feeling; you feel like the one time you’d had a crush in middle school.

The beginnings of crushing. That quickly turned painful and awkward (the epitome of middle school life), and even thinking of it dampens your present joy.

You shove it away, intent on appreciating that the strange inclination that appeared at just seeing Changbin seems to be somewhat reciprocated.

Yes. This pub has breakfast. Wanna meet me?

Give me 15. Have to shower and I’ll be there.

You did not need that mental image.

You may spend a minute more on your face this morning, but then your brain is taken over by thoughts of what to see and what to do for your channel. You keep a decently consistent upload schedule (the only way to keep viewers sticking around), and you posted the last one of your last excursion.

It’s time.

The worry from two seconds ago reappears. 

You find a table downstairs in the pub and order a tea (when in the UK). You check your instagram and TikTok platforms. You’d posted just the castle reflection (no location mentioned) yesterday and just looking at it again warms you.

“Hey.”

You look up from your phone to see Changbin sliding in the chair across from you. His hair is damp and curly, reminding you of that mental image you do not need to have. He wears not all black today, but a pale pink hoodie and dark jeans. He smiles once you make eye contact.

“Morning.”

You reply the same, your own gaze falling to his lips, which flusters you immensely, so you sit up, put your phone away.

“I didn’t know if you were coffee or a tea person.”

“Oh. Coffee. But,” he looks at your cup. “That actually looks good.”

You offer it to him. “Try. You should at least try good breakfast tea while you’re here.” 

He takes it from you, sipping it before staring off as he contemplates. 

“You can have it just plain. I always add milk and sugar. It’s good without too.”

He smiles. “Oh I can?”

You fluster yet again. 

“It’s cute. You’re like a tea missionary all of a sudden.”

He sets the tea back on your side as a server pops up for your order. Changbin orders a full Scottish breakfast (and tea), and you get porridge. 

“Good workout?”

He nods. “I haven’t really been diligent about it.”

“You’re traveling, of course you haven’t.” You rest your chin in your hand. “You enjoy it?”

“Yeah. I mean…” He blushes. “I could go on and on about everything to do with training, eating, all that. I don’t want to bore you.”

“As a person who knows very little, except to get some exercise to be healthy, I won’t be bored.”

He looks doubtful. “No?”

“Try me. I like learning stuff.”

He does know a lot. As much as you don’t think you will ever desire to be a gym rat in any circumstances, you find his enthusiasm wonderful. It’s perhaps one of your favorite things about traveling. A lot of it is solitary, but you do meet people, have conversations that only two strangers on a plane, train, or in a restaurant could have. People have passions, and they light up when they get to talk about them, or share them. 

You once had a two hour conversation with someone about red milkwood fruit and the best areas in South Africa to get it. 

It was really good. 

Food is delivered and Changbin’s commentary about leg day tapers off. You hide a smile as his focus becomes solely his meal. 

“I’d like to look at the castle today. I’m sure you’ve already gone?”

He chews slowly, but shakes his head.

“You haven’t?”

“All three of us had stuff to work on. Or wanted to work, so sight-seeing hasn’t happened yet. So, yeah, let’s go.”

“You don’t mind? I mean, I don’t want you to not work if–”

He interrupts you, saying your name. “You think I don’t want to spend time with you? After…” He’s the cutest thing when he blushes. 

You don’t suppose you look as cute when your face heats too. 

“So,” you save him from continuing, even though your voice definitely cracks, “The castle, and maybe a boat ride at the Canal Centre, the museum there too?” You meet his eyes. “You don’t have to do all of that with me if you don’t want to.”

He leans in a little (there are still two meals between you two). “I want to.” 

You can’t really find anything to say to that, not with that resolute tone that makes you want to crawl over the table (pretty sure the beans on his plate would stain your pants for eternity but it would be worth it) and continue where you left off last night. 

It’s a craving that your very nice porridge will not satiate.

And it’s a lot for you in your not very long time on this planet. 

He seems to feel the same if the way he’s looking at you is any indication, but he drops his gaze to go back to his meal. 

You do the same. 

When you’re outside after eating, he tugs on your backpack. You turn and he pulls it off you, sliding it onto his shoulders. His smile is a little cheeky and bashful. 

“You did say I could carry your stuff.”

“I did.” Can’t really argue with him about that. You open your phone to find the best walking route to the castle and let that lead you both. His hand slips into yours. 

You’ve never gotten to travel as part of a couple. This phase of your life started because you had wanted to see more than your state, and no one in your life was able to join you (commitments to jobs, partners, now kids). Traveling alone means no one puts any sort of expectations of what you do, when you do it, and where. It’s freedom.

But it’s terribly nice to walk hand in hand with someone down a cobblestoned street as you record the simplicity and antiquity of your surroundings. 

“Say hi!” you turn the camera on him and he doesn’t even hesitate, but gives a peace sign and a huge grin. You laugh that he’s so at ease with it, but remind yourself that he performs fairly regularly. 

To see them live would be an experience. 

“Did you know this palace is the birthplace of Mary Queen of Scots?” you ask him, camera still focused on his profile.

“I did not. Nor do I have a clue who that is.”

You laugh again. “Why would you?” You turn the camera back toward the castle in the distance. You do a quick speech about the little you know of British royals and history. “I’ll add more later,” you turn the camera to your face. “Edit this out, but keep in Changbin.”

“Wait, why?”

“Cause you’re cute and look good on camera.”

The blush is redder with the brisk wind. 

“I see how it is. You just want me for my looks.”

“Absolutely.” You may blush when you say it, but his answering laugh is worth it.

The castle is as castles are: drafty, wet-smelling, but still hold some sort of mystique due to age and grandeur. There’s a tour you follow, listening and taking the occasional note on your phone. Changbin is fairly quiet, though he mutters the occasional comment to you which makes you laugh a little too loudly and interrupt the tour guide. 

You really do try not to be the loud and rude American when you travel. 

“When I was little, I wanted to live in a castle,” you say to Changbin when the tour is over and you are just filming to get footage and B roll. 

“You don’t anymore?”

“Oh god no. It’s too cold. Too big. Too much to clean.”

He laughs and adjusts your backpack on his shoulders. “That’s not very romantic.”

“I’m not very…” You trail off, glancing at him as he looks out across the pond. The wind is up, ruffling his hair, and you think you might be a little romantic because your heart does swell when you look at him. 

“Hmm?” He looks back, and smiles.

“Never mind. Wanna head to the Canal Centre?”

“Sure.”

As you both walk that way, you see a group of people (possible power-walkers, is that a thing in Scotland?) coming down the road toward you. He takes you by the elbow and pulls you into a tiny alcove under the footbridge. You stumble into him as his arm wraps around your back. You look up to see him watching the crowd pass by before seeing your gaze. Pink tinges his cheeks in a faint blush. 

“There was–” He gestures with his other hand toward the now absent crowd. “It wasn’t a move, I promise.”

“It’s okay if it had been.”

One corner of his lips shoots up in a smirk-smile. “Yeah?” His arm tightens around you, pulling you flush against him. 

As you lean in to brush a kiss to his lips, your brain is reminding you that everything is on a deadline, and you should mention this to him. But the kiss (and he) is distracting. His hand is splayed in the middle of your back and he’s so warm. The kiss, that starts fairly chaste, morphs into heat, tongue and at least one moan. 

The moan is you.

“Public indecency charges in a foreign country are probably really difficult to get out of,” you mumble, mouth barely touching his. 

He chuckles, hand stroking down your back. “We probably shouldn’t find out.” He rests his head on the stone wall behind him.

You open your mouth to say something about your train leaving tomorrow, but he takes your hand and pulls you from the alcove to head back into the muted sunshine. 

The Canal Centre has options for 12 or 40 people, and requires advanced booking, so you and Changbin just wander through the museum before finding a spot in the tearoom to watch the boats pass. 

“It feels slower here,” he says softly as you look through the footage you’ve taken. 

You lift up your head and raise your eyebrows in question. He shrugs and takes a sip of tea in the dainty teacup. You gesture for him to hold that position as you snap a quick photo of his large hand wrapped around that delicate porcelain. 

“Just. Stopping for tea. Staring out at people. It’s all very calm.”

“We are kinda on vacation. Working here would be different.”

“I’m sure. But even that…people are out for lunch, just heading to the pub and spending time eating and socializing. We do that in Korea, but usually after work, late, for supper and drinks.” He sets the cup back down. “Just different.”

“America never seems to stop. Just get into your car, drive, work, eat as fast as you can, drive home, crash. Maybe go out, but I couldn’t usually muster up the energy post-work.” 

“I’ve never been.” 

“No gigs in the US of A?”

“Not yet.” He meets your eyes before looking back at the boats. “I’m a bit bummed we didn’t get to ride in a boat.” He points at you, with excitement. “We could book for tomorrow if you wanted.”

It’s an anvil on your chest.

“What about your work?”

He gives you a look, like ‘are you kidding?’ “For a boat ride? With you? I think I can take a few hours.” He leans forward, resting his arms on the table, one hand seeking yours. “More content for you, ms. vlogger.”

You let him take your hand and then you take a deep breath. “My train leaves tomorrow.”

His thumb, rubbing over your knuckles, stills at your words. 

“It does?”

You grip his hand in case he thinks of letting go. “I have to get back. Money wise, content wise, just…life.” 

He stares at you, expression unreadable. 

“I’m sorry. I would stay if–”

“You need to get back.” He nods before letting go. “And I have songs to write.”

There are several other people in the tearoom and you want to say things, but it feels way too private for this public venue. 

“When do you guys head back to Korea?”

“End of next week.” He takes a deep breath, eyes back on the boats. His jaw tightens and he turns again back to you. “Come to Korea.”

“What?”

“In your travels, come.”

“I mean, I would like to. It’s on my list.”

“Move it up the list.”

You laugh, bewildered at his insistence. “I’ll try. It’s not like it’s easy to get to from America.”

He takes your hand again. “Come. Please.”

It’s a lot. To not look away from the intensity of his gaze, those brown eyes entreating. 

“You gonna come to the States?”

“Yes.”

No question, no hesitation. 

“Oh.”

He says your name, then looks around. “Can we go somewhere and talk about this?” He takes out some British pounds and leaves them on the table. “Please?”

You gather your things and follow him out. He takes your hand and leads you back to the park from yesterday. He pulls you next to him on the bench, sliding your backpack onto the ground.

But he doesn’t speak. He stares back out across the water, his hand in yours. 

“Bin?”

He turns with a smile. “First time you’ve called me that.” He moves closer, his smile faltering. “Maybe I’m completely off, but this is something.” He gestures to the space between the two of you on ‘this’. “Right? It’s not, it can’t be just a hookup. I…don’t want to not see you again.”

It’s hard to speak. To follow the rapidity of what he says. 

“Right?” He forces a smile. “You weren’t just gonna fuck me and leave?”

You hide your face, embarrassed at his words. “I hadn’t even…I mean, I thought about…oh god.”

He rests his hands on your shoulders, saying your name again. “Talk to me. I realize I am not being at all cool and detached about this. But, when I saw you on the train, I…it’s so cliched and just bad romance movie shit, but I felt something.”

Your head raises up so quickly, his hands tighten in surprise. “You did?”

“Yeah. Like, I mean, you’re cute as fuck, but it was more than that.” He watches your face. “You did too, didn’t you?”

“I thought my heart was going to beat itself into exploding.”

He grins. “I don’t think that makes sense.”

“Yeah, well, it’s my first time.”

“Mine too.” He presses his lips together before speaking. “It’s big, right? Like I don’t know everything about you, but…”

“It feels like it? Yeah.” You feel your face heat. “It’s both super familiar and safe, but also, all the butterflies and anticipation and–”

He kisses you. “That.”

“Yes.” You kiss him back, and he holds you so close that you’re almost in his lap. 

He moves his hands to your face. “We travel, the guys and me. Perform. Then we lock ourselves in the studio for the rest of the year. You can be there, for any of that. As much as you want.” He presses a kiss to your forehead. “We’ve wanted to go to America for a couple years now, we have fans there…”

“I could travel with you guys?”

“Yeah. When you can.” He makes a face. “I mean, I’ll talk to them about it, but they know.”

“They know?”

He doesn’t let go of you, but his eyes do dart away, embarrassed. “They know that I’m into you. That something is going on.” He rolls his eyes. “Ji is especially annoying about it.”

You smile. “I bet.” You encircle his wrists with your hands. “So…long distance, huh?”

He swallows. “I’m game.”

“Me too.” It settles your heart and nerves to hear it. To hear that he feels and has been going through the same as you. That you aren’t alone in this. 

You aren’t alone, at all. 

His thumbs sweep along your cheekbones. “Okay.” His shoulders lower, relaxing. “Okay.”

You kiss him, letting go of his wrists and fully moving onto his lap, arms around his neck. He holds you close, mouth opening to taste you. It’s horribly public, but you don’t really care. 

How could you, in his arms?

When his hand slips under the back of your pants, he mumbles something against your skin.

“Hmm?”

“Thinking about those public indecency laws,” he says. 

You giggle as he looks up at you. “You say the sweetest things, Changbin.” 

He snorts but stares at you. 

You comb his hair off his forehead, staring back. “Pretty.”

He makes a face at you, but doesn’t look away. “I think we’re getting sappy.”

“Maybe a little.” 

You kiss his nose. “I like you.”

He smiles wide. “Yeah?”

“A lot.”

His wayward hand takes one grab of your ass, making you yelp and him laugh. 

“I like you too,” he murmurs, mouth tracing down the shell of your ear. “A lot a lot.”

—

Supper is with Jisung and Chan again, no haggis this time. The four of you opt for curry, and you are given a front row seat to Changbin’s ability to handle spice and how Chan and Jisung don’t handle it.

Though all three do way better than you as you ask the server for the least spicy curry on the menu. And even then, you make good use of the naan in the middle of the table. 

Changbin sits next to you, thigh flush to yours. His hand finds your leg often, resting on it, tapping a rhythm on your knee, fingers slipping to your inner thigh; hints of more, both casual and intentional. 

“You don’t mind?”

Chan glances at you from taking a swig of his pint. “Not at all. It’d be nice to have someone along. We have roadies, of course. But like…” He shrugs. “We put up with Ji, so you’ll be a breeze.”

Jisung glares at him. “I’m an angel.”

“I would check with you about anything I post, of course.”

Chan smiles warmly. “I trust you. Pretty obvious the moment you offered us a bed.”

It feels like years ago.

“I still can’t believe I did that.” You shake your head. “I’m lucky I’m not a True Crime podcast episode.” 

“Or Bin isn’t.” Jisung says. “All you’d have to do is get him working and like, you could sneak up on him so easily.” He chews then swallows. “Not that I’ve thought about it.”

“Feeling’s mutual, Ji,” Changbin volleys back, unbothered by his friend’s comment. His fingers lace with yours, resting on his leg. You try not to show how affected you are, but Jisung meets your eyes and winks at you.

Chan gives you a big hug after supper, outside the restaurant. “I’d say I’d get up and say goodbye, but I don’t want to lie.”

You hug him back, chuckling. “I appreciate the honesty.” 

He squeezes your arm. “Have a safe trip. We’ll see you soon.” 

“Yeah, you will.”

Jisung hugs you this time, long arms wrapped around you. He also wishes you a safe trip and elicits a promise from you that you’ll bring Flaming Cheetos with you when you come to Korea as he really wants to try them.

It’s an easy promise to make. 

There’s no excuse or question as to whether Changbin will walk you back to your room. He follows you in the main door, both of you not speaking. When you get to your room, he covers your hand as you try to unlock the door.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” he asks, voice no more than a whisper. “I’m afraid I won’t get up to say goodbye and–”

You turn around to kiss his cheek, silencing his stammering. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

You open the door. “We’ve already shared a cabin. Might as well share a bed, right?”

He enters, a bit timidly, glancing around. “You’ve already packed?”

“I barely unpacked.” You take your backpack from him, setting it on the floor of the wardrobe. You take off your shoes, setting them next to your backpack. You reach out for him, grabbing his hoodie to yank him to you. 

“I wasn’t…I wasn’t assuming that we’d…”

“You did ask if I planned to fuck you and leave.”

He coughs a laugh, hands settling on your hips. “I did, didn’t I? I was panicking a little.”

You kiss his chin. “I’m not assuming anything either. I just want to kiss you again.”

His eyes soften and he slides his hands under your thighs, the unspoken indicator to jump into his arms. You do so, legs around his waist as he covers your mouth with his. He moves you both to the bed, laying you down carefully, leaving your lips to taste and suck down your neck. He only breaks away when you pull on his hoodie in an effort to disrobe him. His laugh is light when he pulls it off, his t-shirt clinging to him in ways that should be illegal. He takes off your layers, peeling off the sweatshirt, t-shirt, then camisole. 

He stares.

You whine a protest. “What?”

He leans down, lips at your ear. His hands slide along your side, almost tickling. 

“I like your shape.” You tremble at the puff of his breath on your ear, shiver more when he nips at the lobe. He continues, pressing kisses along your jaw line until he’s back to your mouth, urgent. Your legs fall open as he lowers himself, a sharp intake of breath when you feel him. 

“I like yours, too,” you sigh into his mouth. 

There’s a rumble of laughter. “Which shape?” He lifts his head to grin at you. “My body or my dick?”

You slap his arm, flustered. 

He rests on his forearms, dropping soft pecks on your nose, cheeks, eyelids. “Just trying to clarify here.”

“Ridiculous.”

“You aren’t answering.”

You open your eyes, now to glare at him. “Both, obviously.”

His smirk is so satisfied, you kind of want to hit him again. He sits back on his knees and starts to undo the button of your jeans.

“Okay?”

You nod. “Your shirt first, though.”

He pulls it off, and you think your mouth actually waters a little. You sit up and he groans because he can’t undo your jeans now. But you have to touch. You have to map every line and curve of his body with your hands, taking in that warmth and softness. You kiss his chest, unable not to.

“I fully support all the working out.”

He giggles before trying to usher you to lay back down. He’s mostly successful though you have to kiss him again, taste his tongue and mouth again. 

He’s single-minded, returning to your jeans and dragging them off you before doing the same on himself. You’ve sat up, legs crossed, eyes just marveling at him and every reveal of skin that you get. 

“I guess it’s kind of late, but I haven’t been with anyone in months. I’m clean.” Just clad in his boxer-briefs, he sits next to you, his hand on your thigh, drawing up and down the length of it. 

“Years,” you admit. “But yeah, clean.”

He grasps you by the chin, bringing your mouth close. “Years?”

“I’m not a sexy rapper.”

He kisses you lightly. “True.”

You punch his shoulder and he doesn’t even flinch. He’s laughing into your mouth, kissing; his other hand cupping the back of your neck. You scoot closer, knees on either side of his hips. You roll your hips the moment you sink down.

His groan is music. 

“You have protection?” You ask in between kisses. He rests his forehead on your collarbone when you repeat the motion, biting your lip so you don’t echo his groan. 

“You don’t?”

“Years,” you repeat. He lifts his head to smile at you. 

“I do.”

“See…sexy rapper, with groupies all ready to throw themselves at you.” You tousle his hair, jerking when his hand drifts under your underwear, palming your ass. 

He rolls his eyes at you, but leans over to pull his wallet out of his discarded jeans, seeking the one condom he has. He hands it to you, freeing his hand to help lower you both back to the bed. 

Underwear tossed aside, latex rolled on; there are more kisses, and explorations of each other. He pushes in so gently, with whispered compliments and soft touches. It’s a different tone and color than his performative rapping. 

Softer, quieter. Private. 

Perhaps since it’s been years, it seems to happen all too quickly. You first then him. He’s collapsed on you, his breath harsh pants. You give into your earlier fantasy and lick away a drop of sweat off his temple. His hold on you tightens. 

“We should get some sleep,” you say, playing with his hair. 

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbles into your skin. 

You smile sadly, recognizing that it’s only hours left. He rolls off of you, planting a kiss on your shoulder. His eyes are half-open, sleep oncoming.

You roll to your side, curling up next to him. “I’ll wake you.”

He turns his head, meeting your eyes. “You better.” His eyes flutter closed. “I wanted to sleep next to you that night on the train.”

“Me too.”

–

“Hello friends,” you greet the camera with a smile. “I just arrived and have made it through customs, which is way better streamlined than in the States. It was a long flight,” you nod at some passengers you pass on your way to the arrival area. “But pretty uneventful. I think I slept nearly all of it.”

You look around once you go through the automatic sliding doors. 

“I can’t believe I’m here. It’s been almost six months and–” You break off when you hear your name above all the pandemonium of the Seoul International Airport. Your camera turns with you as you try to follow that shout. 

On Youtube, the video loses focus and there are muffled voices. The shot is of a far-off baggage claim and dozens of walking legs and shoes. When the camera is righted, it frames two faces.

You’re no longer on your own.

----

(c) yoongihan 2024. please do not steal, translate, repost, or whatever. stray kids belong to themselves and all idols used in this piece are just the inspiration for characters and do not in any way reflect the actual humans.

#changbin;oneshot #changbin;angst fluff smut

[straykidsland]

ᯓ ᡣ𐭩 Love. ⭑ ksm

Pairing — Kim Seungmin x gn!afab reader

WC — 27k (27159)

⭑

Synopsis — Love has always been hard, but with Seungmin it was complicated.

Genre — Friends to lovers!AU, College!AU, Smut (Minors and blank blogs will be blocked), Fluff, Angst/hurt, slow burn

⭑

CW — Mentions of alcohol and getting tipsy, bad communication, Reader is a little selfish in parts and a bit mean, piv sex, unprotected sex (be responsible), dom!seungmin x sub!reader.

A/N — Ahhh!! Finally my full length fic is heree!! I’m so excited to share this with you all and I hope you guys enjoy it just as much as I did! Thank you for your patience and expect more from me soon! p.s, did you like my format change? xox

You remember like it was yesterday, the day that seemingly changed your life for the better… or better known as the day you met Seungmin.

–

You were younger then, a little new to the neighborhood and alone while playing in the fresh laid snow. You were building a snowman, something reasonable that a normal kid your age then would be doing when snow appeared around you. You were focused, so immersed in trying to make your snowman look perfect that you failed to notice another kid walking up to you.

“That looks horrible.”

You hum and look up, a little surprised to see another kid standing in front of you now. He seemed to be around your age if not a little older than you. You give him an uninterested look and go back to your snowman.

“Who’s asking?” You ask, not even bothering to really look at him anymore.

The kid huffs, the atmosphere falling silent around the two of you as he tries to find something else to say. He thinks for a moment before he speaks up again.

“Someone who thinks your snowman is ugly.” He says again, a little more confidently this time.

You only giggle, still focusing your attention to smoothing out your snowman and continuing to adorn it with random blades of grass and pinecones. You sit back for a moment to admire your work and you smile a bit in satisfaction. Your snowman wasn’t at all that horrible really, sure the buttons were a little misplaced and the ‘hair’ wasn’t really covering much, but you really enjoyed the way it looked. After what seemed like forever, you finally divert your attention back to the kid, squinting up at him before turning your head to look around behind him.

“Where’s yours?” You ask, and he looks a little taken aback.

“Does that even matter?” He says, folding his arms in defense now.

You shrug, “A little. I was hoping to see yours.” You say and he hums.

“If I showed you, you’d be jealous of it.” He says, unfolding his arms.

You purse your lips into a straight line, dusting yourself off before standing up and brushing the rest of the remaining snow off. “Show me”

He seems a little surprised now, and you give him a smug look. “Or do you not have one built?” You tease, “You’re all talk and no snowman.”

The kid is a little speechless now, not seeming to expect such responses from you like that. He quickly puffs out his chest and you see his cheeks puff up as well. “I do have one! I’ll show you!”

You’re about to say something again until he begins to walk in a random direction and then you’re quick to follow close behind him. You’ve never met this kid before, you weren’t even sure if he attended the same school as you or not, yet you were following him as if you already trusted him enough. The snow is thick and crunchy beneath your feet as he leads you a little far from your original place, and if you squint a bit you can actually make out a figure in the distance. You’re not sure if it was a snowman or just a lump of snow, so you continue following him out of your own curiosity. He’s silent, not bothering to say a word to you as the two of you continue to march over to where his ‘snowman’ was.

When you do reach the snowman, you’re a little surprised to see that it was, well… indeed a snowman.. If you could even call it one. The poor snowman was half done, the circles not even being full enough to keep it standing up straight. It had patches of dirt throughout the whole thing and sadly it wasn’t even smiling… maybe scowling? You’ve never seen such an expression before so you’re not sure what to call it. You cover your mouth in surprise and from the amusement of knowing that his snowman was nowhere close to being as cool as yours. You could tell that he was feeling a little embarrassed about the ordeal, so being the nice kid that you were you began to gather snow.

He watches you with a confused expression, but once he realizes what you were doing he’s quick to join you in gathering snow. And just like that, you’re helping him fix up his snowman, giggling and laughing a bit when he seems to mess up a little or when he ends up dropping his snow on accident. There’s no words being exchanged, only the soft laughter you emit and the grumbles he makes. After some time passes, he turns to you mid-fixing.

“I’m Seungmin by the way.”

You hum, patting down some snow, “I’m Y/N.”

He nods in understanding your name, a small grin plastered across his face. He’s cute, you think, it’s a little impossible to be upset at him for talking about your snowman. You only smile back at him, resuming the work you were doing before he spoke up.

—

From then on, You’ve never really known what the word ‘alone’ meant ever since you’ve been with Seungmin. You knew the two of you were going to be good lifelong friends the moment he sought you out during a fifth grade dance just to tease you for your dancing (it was really because he didn’t want to be alone). After that, one meetup turned into a hangout, then a hangout turned into a sleepover and then the rest was honestly history. You two were always together, and by then it was an unspoken rule with everyone in town that wherever you went Seungmin had to be there too.

You honestly found his company comforting considering the fact that you were new around the time he found you that day. Someone else would’ve gotten annoyed and bothered by his constant teasing, but over time you realized that was honestly how he showed his admiration for anyone. Of course, when his teasing went too far you were always quick to correct him and to explain why he was wrong, but other than that it was often a little endearing. You two were known for bickering back and forth everyday in elementary school up until it followed you both to highschool. After a few, people also began to realize that it was just how you two bonded, and nobody’s ever batted an eye towards the two of you since.

You practically grew up with Seungmin, as when you met him you were a small child, so almost half of your life you’ve known nothing but him. You were there to watch him grow and he was there to do the same for you, and no matter what life threw at the two of you, the both of you always came out on top together, never leaving one another.

Seungmin never admitted it, but he also enjoyed having you around. He was known to have trouble expressing his emotions, but with you he found it almost impossible. In the end, he was glad you understood that he deeply cared for you and really did like you. You’ve tried to get him to work on talking things out with not only you but with others as well, and though it works sometimes, he’s only human at the end of the day and you knew that. You promised to be there for him, to help him grow as long as he did the same for you. As long as you both took the time to grow up and understand each other then you weren’t going to leave him, and you hoped it was the same for him.

You didn’t hesitate to seal the promise by buying matching bracelets for the two of you. You were only in eighth grade when you bought the bracelets so they weren’t the best quality, but that didn’t stop neither of you from cherishing the dingy little bracelet you both paraded around on your wrists.

—

When it was time for the two of you to go off for college you almost thought he was joking when he told you that he had gotten accepted to the same university as you. When it was confirmed that he was actually going, you were excited and happy. A lot of people would’ve gotten tired of having the same person around them 24/7, but not you. You were excited to escape from this small town and traverse another one with someone who was close to you, it made the entire process easier for you. Before, you were nervous about having to leave someplace that was familiar to you, somewhere that you knew every nook and cranny of in exchange for somewhere that you didn’t really know at all.

You know it’s part of life to explore things you’ve never explored before, but you honestly don’t think you would’ve been able to if Seungmin weren’t there. You were happy to at least have some piece of familiarity with you while you were in a place you weren’t familiar with. As long as Seungmin was there with you, then it was hard for you to be afraid of any new environment.

When it was time for the two of you to start packing up before College, you came to him with the idea of just spontaneously doing anything either one of you had wanted to before you both left. Of course, he was in on the idea, helping you write down a bucket list for any last minute activities the two of you wanted to do while you still could. And for the last few months of being in town the two of you did just that, going down the bucket list day by day to have as much fun the two of you could before your life really started.

Your parents hardly ever saw you while you were doing this, opting to just stay at Seungmin’s house to make any activities the two of you did easier time wise. When you did see them, you were sure to hang out with them as much as you could before you were right back to your own fun. At some point they had just accepted everything and they decided to just let you do whatever you wanted as long as you were safe.

And you were, as long as you were with Seungmin your safety was always guaranteed. You did things you never thought you’d do with him, such as going to a beach at night to bungee jumping the next morning. Nights the two of you couldn’t sleep were used to talk about your favorite activity that you’ve done with him and used as time to prepare for the next activity as early as possible. The summer before you were off to college felt like you were living an entirely different life other than the one you normally lived. You and Seungmin often did things together – that was true, but this was on a whole ‘nother level. You were hardly home, outside until the sun came out and you were doing something every single day for as long as your body could keep up. Call it what you will, but honestly you have never felt more alive when you were with him, you were genuinely happy.

You’ll never forget the words he told you the moment the two of you finally had no more time to do anything else on your list. It was a rather cold night, but the two of you had driven out a few ways from town to a small field the two of you discovered by accident when you took the wrong route to a trip the two of you planned back in your junior year of high school. Since then, the field had been a place of memory, a place that held all of your laughter, your tears and all of your fears for the life ahead of you. And whether you were crying, laughing or just ranting about something, Seungmin had always been there, like he always had been.

It was really dark out, but the field was illuminated with the help of the moon, its soft rays casting a gentle blue light across the grass. There were a little bit more stars out than there normally would be, and the grass was plush and soft beneath the two of you as you both laid out on the ground. It was silent, save for the occasional sentences the two of you would randomly blurt out , but other than that there was a comforting silence between the two of you. You could almost fall asleep if you wanted to, but Seungmin had other plans, turning to you as he spoke.

You remember his eyes having the same sparkle as the stars that night as he looked at you, and for the first time of your entire friendship he was soft spoken and he trembled with nerves as he spoke. He held your hand tight in his, and for a moment the two of you sat like that, staring at one another and maintaining a close distance from one another.

“You’ve made living here in this small town feel like it was bigger than it really was. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way you’ve made me feel all these years. Thank you for existing at the same time as me.”

And you smile at him, your heart aching at his words as you try not to cry from how sentimental he was. Just like how you made him feel, you don’t think you’ll ever get over his words and how he’s made you feel either. The town you had always called home was always more than what it was when you were Seungmin. There was always an adventure with him, new spots to discover, secrets that were uncovered and places to hide in. You’ll always have him, no matter how small or big a place is, he’ll always be there with you to make it more worth being there.

That’s when you realized that your friendship with him was way more than just a ‘friendship’, it was a bond made by two soulmates that were meant to find each other. It was almost like your souls were meeting up again in the past life and doing everything again in a different life, maybe it was for the first time – or maybe it was for the trillionth time, who knows? You just know that you were grateful to have found him in this life, and you do a silent thought to always find him in the next.

—

The day that it’s time for you both to finally depart off to college you’re not as emotional as you should’ve been. Anything else that didn’t involve getting to drive off to college with your best friend with a huge moving truck behind you and you probably would’ve cried an entire ocean. But that wasn’t happening, because even though you were driving two hours away from ‘home’, you weren’t really leaving home, because your home was going to be right beside you.

You were a little sad to have to depart from your family for the first time in your entire life. Yeah you were always hardly home, but this was the first time you were going to be miles away from them, a distance that didn’t allow you to just come home whenever you felt like watching tv shows with your mom or cook with your dad whenever you wanted. You gave them as many hugs as time allowed it and you promised to call them every other day to keep them up with your college life whenever you had the chance.

When it’s time for you both to actually leave though, there’s a grin on your face and a sense of leaving the old behind and happily embracing the new. As you sit in the passenger seat of Seungmin’s car, your arms out the window, the wind blowing harshly across your face as he drives down the highway. He allows you to play music, and he instantly regrets it when you start to play music as loud as the car allows it to be.

As he continues to speed down the highway, there’s no worry on either one of your minds, allowing the feeling of peace to enter your systems as you keep on. You’ve died down the music a bit the second a slower song comes on, and without thinking you take Seungmin’s hand in yours over the center console. You squeeze his hand – a way of telling him that everything was going to be alright, and he rubs his thumb on the back of your hand to confirm that. You’re happy now, and you only hope that this life continues to be kind to you and him. You hope that this new chapter of life is easier for the both of you, and that it allows the two of you to continue to find peace and adventure in everything that you guys do. You take the time to admire him, taking in the way that the golden sun rays blessed his honey skin as you stare at him. His face is turned into more of a concentrated look as he focuses on the road, and his hair is black and lightly curled per your request since you’ve always liked it when his hair was curly. Seungmin has always been pretty to you, ethereal even, but you’ve never really admired him like this.

When you think about it, this was the man you were going to basically start your new life with, the man who’s been there for you for basically all of your life. You wonder if he sees himself the way that you do, someone who though may seem tough on the outside but was actually soft and kind hearted. You wonder if he loves the same things that you love about him such as his silly smile or the way he puts his hand over his chest when he’s nervous or the laugh he gives when you tell a joke that’s a little too funny. But most importantly you wonder how he sees you, were you just as precious to him as he was to you? You had to be, there was no way he’d go through the lifelong journey of being with you if you weren’t.

“You’re staring.”

You jump a bit at his words, realizing that you were leaning against the seat now, staring at him as if he were the most beautiful person known to man…and honestly to you he was. You gulp and quickly sit up, giving him an offended look as if he just accused you of murder.

“I wasn’t. I was looking out the window beside you.” You state.

“And smiling?” He has a small mischievous grin as he speaks and he knows that he’s got you.

You roll your eyes and with a small huff you turn to stare out the front window. “There were pretty trees on your side..”

He laughs at your excuse, “There’s trees on your side too bub.” You only shrug, “Yours were prettier.”

“Were they? Or is that me?” He continues to tease and you feel your breath getting caught in your throat.

“You’re not that pretty.” You say, refusing to look at him now.

“If you weren’t looking at me the way you were then I would’ve believed that.” He replies and you groan, he’s never going to let this down.

After a brief passing of comfortable silence he speaks up again, “What’cha thinkin’ about?”

You sigh as you try and arrange your thoughts together. There was so much that you could tell him but you weren’t really sure where to start. “Just thinking about college and stuff. I’m really excited for it, you know?”

He nods in understanding to your words, “I feel you, I’m also pretty excited. I hope this year is good for us.” He says and you see a small smile tug at his lips.

You nod, a small smile making its way to your face after seeing his own. “I wonder if we’ll meet more people and make more friends.” You ask him and for a moment he doesn’t really say anything, you figure he was just trying to focus on making sure the two of you didn’t miss your exit right now.

“Yeah, maybe.” He says after successfully making the exit and you chuckle. “You think we’ll stay together through college?”

He shrugs, “Nah, I can’t stand you.”

You turn to him with a shocked expression and all he can do is laugh. “I’m not going anywhere bub, I’ll always be with you.” You feel yourself relax at his words and you turn back to face the front.

“Yeah, you better.” You say with a relaxed sigh.

“You think I'll make friends and just forget about you that easily?” He asks, his turn to be a little bit more serious now. You shrug, “Maybe.”

Seungmin falls silent again, and for a moment you wonder if you’ve said the wrong thing. You were only joking, but you worried that he might’ve taken your words too seriously. Without saying anything he releases his grasp from you and you turn to him, ready to apologize for your weak attempt at a joke before he holds your wrist up. He slips his index finger underneath your bracelet, and without looking towards you he speaks again.

“Do you remember what this symbolizes?” He asks, his voice a little bit more firm so that you knew that he was serious as he spoke. You nod, your eyes wide with curiosity as you wait to hear what else he has to say.

“It symbolizes the promise we made to each other.” You answer and he nods.

“That’s right, so as long as we wear these around our wrists then I’m never going anywhere, I mean that.”

You can’t stop the smile that forms when he says that, and once he’s satisfied with his speech he lets you go, resuming the hand holding from earlier. The car is back to its comforting silence, and your heart is full from the words you’ve heard him speak. You lean your head against the seat and continue to stare out the window, watching as the sun begins to set further, streaks of orange-red hues now painting the sky. With Seungmin by your side maybe College wouldn’t be as scary as you thought it’d be.

‘You’ll always be my favorite.’ you think to yourself before shutting your eyes, allowing the wind to continue breezing past your face as you drift off to sleep.

—

As hoped, College is as nice as nice can go for the both of you. You’re both in your Junior year of College now and it's a little unbelievable to know that you only have a year left here. Despite gaining a group of friends and having crazy schedules, the two of you never changed. You both were still the same ol’ inseparable friends that you were back in highschool – just a little died down and more chill now. Whenever you and Seungmin do get the chance to hang out you’re both often just spending time eating take out and watching movies just to destress from the busy college life.

There isn’t much to do in the new city you’re in, but both of you make the effort to make the best out of what you guys have. Although you’re not going on constant fun adventures with him, you still manage to have a great time with him no matter what you’re doing. Even a small nap with him before either one of you has a class is considered a good time to you at this point. You just want to be around him, even if it means sitting with him in complete silence, you’re fine with anything really. When the two of you do meet up though, it’s full of gossip from life outside of each other and anything interesting that’s happened that day. Ever since you’ve come to college, you’ve never run out of anything to talk about with him. It feels like there’s something happening to you everyday, and when something does happen, you’re one to save it for your hangout with Seungmin.

Even though you did enjoy your small hangouts with Seungmin, you’ve also been curious about the parties that were held on campus. You never told him, but you were starting to get a little tired of sitting in your apartment and just talking about mundane things. The adventurous – thrill seeking part of you was screaming to be let out at this point, and you wondered if going to a party on campus would help satisfy the urge you’ve been having for some real fun. You’ve always heard about college parties, even when you were in highschool, and you’ve heard some crazy fun things. You’ve heard of people drinking til they passed out, people gathering in large groups to play silly games and the endless amounts of people found making out in random areas of the location.

You wanted to experience it, all of it. The drinking, the games and maybe even the making out if you get that far. You had been waiting to bring the topic up to Seungmin for months, but now that there was a party this weekend and that you had a group of friends who were going to go, you figured it was time. Parties weren’t exactly Seungmin’s kind of thing, but you figured that he’s had to have been just as bored as you are lately from doing the same thing everyday. Back in highschool, you two were always doing something fun together, now all you do is sit at home and watch TV. It felt a lot different than what you were normally used to, and it felt like it just wasn’t any of you at all. You hoped that maybe he’d give in and if he had a good party experience, then he’ll definitely do it again. You decide that after his next class you’ll pick him up from his class building and talk about it on your way home. You grow excited, already thinking of the amount of fun the two of you will have once you step fun in a party.

You wonder if all the stories were true – if the party was going to be as fun as everyone says it was. There was only one way to find out.

—

“No.”

You nearly crash the car from how shocked you were to hear his response. “What!?” You ask, finally pulling into the parking lot of your apartment complex. You stop the car and waste no time to turn to him so that he’s able to see the emotion on your face.

“You heard me, I’m not going to a party.” He says firm, almost like he’s not going to back down from his decision.

“Why noot? We’ve been working on stuff ALL week, why not unwind by doing something fun?” You ask, your arms folded across each other as you scan his face. You were a little confused on why he’d turn something like this down after not being able to actually do something fun in awhile.

“You don’t think just hanging out with me is fun?” He says with an offended tone and you can’t help but roll your eyes.

“That’s not what I meant. I mean – don’t you wanna do something similar to what we used to do? Go out, stay up past our curfewww…” You say, trying to find more ways to influence him on changing his mind. He only sighs and shakes his head, and it makes you even more discouraged.

“That was because we were kids without anything much else to do. We’re adults now and we have to be a little more serious about stuff.” He tells you and you squint your eyes at him in slight disbelief. There was no way Seungmin was saying this to you right now, the one who mainly came up with half of the ideas of stuff you guys did was telling you to take life a little more seriously right now. “No way.”

“Yes way. Besides, there’s nothing fun about drinking and standing in a hot and humid room full of sweaty people.” He says, and you can almost see the look of disgust on his face as if he were experiencing it now. You huff and shake your head.

“Not all parties are like that. You’ve never been to one before, so how can you say they’re ‘all the same’?” You say, putting your hands in the air and air quoting your words.

He squints at you, “Oh, and you have?” He asks with a tone that almost sounds sort of jealous, but he already knew the answer to that.

“You know what– If you don’t want to go then I’ll just go by myself.” You say, gathering your things so that you could end the conversation.

You see his face soften a bit and suddenly he’s speaking again, “Whoa– why would you want to attend a party by yourself?”

You shrug, unlocking the door and getting out without saying a word. He’s quick to hop out, sort of forgetting about his stuff as he trails behind you to your apartment. “Mainly because my best friend won’t go with me.” You say, finally speaking up again.

“You can’t go to one by yourself, something could happen to you.” He tells you, a bit of worry laced in his tone with the fear that you could actually be serious about this.

You’re silent again as you unlock your door, still not saying a word as the two of you squeeze past the door frame and into your apartment. When you put your stuff down, you turn to him as he’s in the middle of shutting and locking the door all while realizing he forgot his stuff.

“Then just come with me.” You say, dangling the opportunity out in his face again, wishing he’d just take it already, but this one is stubborn and you knew that.

He sits in silence for a moment, debating if he would go or if he should just let you have fun by yourself. There was nothing wrong with parties, but he’d be lying if he said the idea didn’t frighten him a bit. However, he felt as if he were going to be a bad friend if he didn’t join you, so he decided to make the painful decision of just joining you.

“Oh my g– Fine. I’ll go, but I’m not drinking or anything, only going to make sure you’re safe.” He says, and you fight the urge to smile, only nodding as a thin lipped grin sits on your face, “Thank you.”

He rolls his eyes, his turn to fold his arms now, “Stop trying to be cool.” He tells you, and you immediately break character to run over to him and jump with excitement over him joining you to the party. Although he wasn’t going to be doing anything fun, you were still glad that he agreed to come with you nonetheless.

After some time the two of you settled down on your couch and resumed the plans you made for the rest of the night, which included the same routine as any other day. You had ordered food for the two of you and the moment it arrived you both sat down and began flipping through the TV for whatever interested the two of you. You’re laying on him, phone in hand as you two basically cuddle together and use the TV for background noise at this point. As you munched on pieces of your chicken, you take the time to discuss outfit ideas with him for the party, all to which earned an eye-roll or a sigh from him.

“All of those were ugly.” He says and you immediately pull your phone back, slightly offended by his words. No matter how long you’ve been with Seungmin, his way of casually being straightforward was always a jaw dropper for you. It never fails to shock you whenever he openly states that something didn’t look good on you or if something wasn’t your color and that you simply just needed another. In a way, it was always helpful to you in the end, because half the time his remarks saved you from making bad outfit decisions.

“Well excuse me.” You slowly say, locking your phone and setting it on the coffee table. “I thought those were nice.” You mumble, burying your face in his chest, your arms wrapped fully around his torso now as your body lays flat against him.

“Yeah, and that’s the problem. Let me pick some outfits for you.” He says and you nod into his chest, not seeming to focus on anything besides the warmth of his chest on your face.

A small comforting silence passes between the two of you, the soft sounds of the TV filling the quiet atmosphere as you lay there, snuggled up and warm in his embrace. Just as you lay between the border of being asleep and awake, his voice wakes you up when he speaks up again.

“Someone asked me out today.”

You weren’t sure if you were hearing correctly, your heart now racing as you sit up to face him. You momentarily become flustered when you notice how close the two of you really are, but you set that aside to focus on his words. “Really? Who?”

Seungmin shrugs, “A girl in one of my classes. Told me she’s had a crush on me for a while now and that she’d finally mustered up the courage to tell me.”

“Ohh.. cool, what’d you say?” You continue to ask.

“I gave her my number afterwards and told her I’d think about it. She’s really cool and we’ve actually hung out briefly a few times. I told her earlier about the party and she told me she’d be there.” He answers and you nod.

“Ah..well, I hope things go well.” You say, laying your head back down against his chest.

As much as you wanted him to actually have fun and get to know her, deep down you kind of hoped that he didn’t. Growing up, you’ve never really considered having a relationship, especially since you weren’t really that interested in anyone from your town and because you grew busy up until you left. It was weird to say, but you recently had come to terms that maybe you were a tiny bit in love with Seungmin more than you wanted to admit. All it took was a day drinking session with your friends and suddenly you were telling your entire life story from start up until now, and without thinking you let your feelings about him slip.

Of course, they promised not to say anything, but you still couldn’t help but feel a little bad about it. You were worried you’d let your feelings for him seep into your friendship and honestly you didn’t want that. You wanted him to find love, if anything he was deserving of it, but deep down you didn’t want him to find love unless it was with you. Was that selfish? Maybe a little, but the idea of him finding someone else and then forgetting about you made your stomach churn. In no way did you want him to come down to having to pick between you and his lover, but you had the huge fear that maybe he’ll find someone that wasn't you and then suddenly your life with him was gone.

What if his partner didn’t like you? What if the two of you never click or get along? They’d end up taking him away from you, and then your life would honestly feel like it was over. You didn’t depend on him for your emotions whatsoever, but Seungmin was the only one who had been there for you since you first met him. He made you feel welcome and known in a town who had no idea who you were. He was the first kid to make an effort to talk to you and has been by your side ever since. You didn’t have anybody else, and honestly, you didn’t need anyone else. Seungmin was always going to be better than anyone ever could, and deep down you knew that. But you also knew that if you weren’t the one that he loved romantically then you couldn’t keep him forever.

The thought makes you a little teary eyed, what would you do without him? Obviously in that situation you were supposed to live and move on, but you have never experienced a life without him. Maybe he’d make drifting away from you less hard so that you didn’t have to lay awake without him being next to you and wondering what he was up to. He could make the pain of no longer talking to you one day easier so that you didn’t look for him in anyone else you meet.

“What’s on your mind?”

You jump a little bit considering that you weren’t aware of the fact that you had completely zoned out and hadn’t heard a single word he just said to you. He’s rubbing your back now, seeming to have noticed your spaced out look and your habit of falling quiet when something was on your mind that bothered you. You instantly melt into his touch, knowing that this was his way of calming you down and giving you time to talk.

It was moments like this that made you wonder what you’d do without him, how were you supposed to live without him?

You loudly sigh, drawing shy circles on the couch as you try to gather up your thoughts.

“Min.. if you get a partner..will you forget me?” You quietly ask.

For a moment he falls silent and you wonder if you’ve said anything wrong. You start getting angry at yourself for overthinking and letting your thoughts get that far. Just when you’re about to speak up again, he sits up, pushing you back a bit so that you’re no longer laying on top of him and he’s sitting up straight now. He stares at you with a more serious gaze and you stare back at him with a curious one.

The room’s still silent when he gently grabs your hand, rubbing soft circles on your palm and interlacing your fingers with his. His eyes are trained on your hands and your heart nearly stops at his touches, but you can’t help but watch as his hands gently touch yours. Something about his movements felt more loving more… intimate? You were unsure of what to say, so instead of embarrassing yourself a bit further you allowed him to continue what he was doing until he wanted to speak to you.

He continues his soft touches to your hand before moving up towards your wrist, and each touch makes your body shiver. There was a sudden tension in the room between the two of you right now and you’re not even sure if it was just you who was experiencing it. Your breath gets caught in your throat the moment a finger slips past your bracelet and for the first time this whole encounter he’s looking at you again.

“Do you know what this symbolizes?” He quietly asks, and you can’t help but feel the same emotions you felt when he asked you this in the car on the way to college.

“The promise we made.” You answer, your voice barely beyond a whisper, and he nods.

Without really noticing it, he’s pulling you closer towards him, way closer than the two of you would normally be. You’re not sure of what to do, only mesmerized by the sheer glow of gloss that sat on his pretty lips. You wonder what he tasted like, if his kisses were any good.

“And what did we say to each other?”

“That we were going to be there for each other no matter what…that we were never going to leave each other.” You answer again.

You’re closer to him, and he reaches out to place a fond hand to your cheek. “I’m never going to leave you. I’m always going to be here. Don’t think I’ll let anyone come between us. You’re my number one no matter what.”

You stare into his eyes, and you can’t help but smile at his sincere words. You don’t get to kiss him that night, but you do get a sense of knowing that you’ll always be his priority no matter who comes into the picture… and honestly that was enough for you.

—

The day of the party came around faster than you thought, and you were a lot more excited than you wanted to really admit you were. It was probably because it was the first party you were going to attend ever since coming here and because Seungmin was going to be with you while you were there. As much as you knew he didn’t want to go, you also knew how important this was for the both of you since the two of you honestly didn’t get out much since coming here, you knew this was something the both of you needed. You hated being cooped up in your apartment without anything to do, and if this wasn’t something he needed then it definitely was something that you needed.

You stood in your bedroom getting dressed while Seungmin occupied the living room. Normally the two of you would get dressed together as you’ve known each other long enough not to care, but you wanted your outfit to be a surprise. You knew that Seungmin had a particular taste in clothing, and normally you wouldn’t dare to dress in the likes of someone else, but tonight you wanted his attention to be on you and you only. You wore clothing that you knew that would just have him on you the entire night, clothes you knew that he would love on you. Seungmin had always said that emerald green was your color, so you decided to flatter him tonight by wearing a dress in that exact color. It has been hard trying to hide this dress without him accidentally finding it or from him being nosey since the two of you shared the same account on your delivery apps, but you managed to scrape by without him having the slightest clue.

The dress was a silk emerald green dress that stopped right at your thighs, short enough to keep your decency but not enough to keep you from showing the curves of your ass that nearly showed at the bottom of the dress. A slit adored the side of the dress, allowing the left side of your thigh to be shown. You paired the outfit with gold accessories, and did your hair in a way that you liked, throwing on black shoes to tie everything together. Your breasts spilled a tiny bit over the top, and if you bent down too far then your ass would definitely be out, no questions asked. You spin in the mirror, a satisfied grin on your face as you check yourself out. There’s no way he’d be able to let you out of his sight when he sees your outfit. He might even tap into his “unknown fantasy” (as you’d like to think), and maybe he’ll fuck you when the two of you come back home.

You quickly remind yourself that tonight was a night for you two to hang out strictly as best friends who needed to cut loose… but… if anything else were to happen then you wouldn’t be opposed to any of that either.

When you’re done adding the finishing touches to your makeup you go and meet Seungmin in the Living Room. When you first enter he’s not really facing the way you expect him to, so you have to do the honors of showing your surprise by tapping on his shoulder.

“Huh–Oh, are you read–” He asks as he turns to face you, and you nearly laugh at the way his face instantly drops and the fact that he was checking you out way more obviously than he realized.

You could proudly say that you were successful in your attempts, because he was staring at you the entire time the two of you were still in the house. You felt his eyes scan you each time you turned to tell him something, seeing the way he’d place his hand over his heart every now and again, something he’d do whenever he was nervous. You guess you could say that you practically had him right where you wanted him, and that maybe tonight would go exactly how you wanted it to go.

—

The actual party itself was loud, rowdy, and everything you were looking for. There were people drinking in almost every corner you encounter, clouds of smoke filled the air as people sat around in smoke circles. As the two of you traverse throughout the building, you never failed to bump into someone from how crowded it was. There was loud music blasting in your ears from some song you had no idea of and there were people terribly singing the lyrics to it everywhere you went. Bodies grinding on top of one another and sweat accumulating from how hot it was inside of the venue. There were red lights scattered around the building only enough to aid you in navigation as you walked around it. You weren’t even surprised when you see people making out in the safety of the shadows either, only counting it as normal as other party goers had no care of what was happening.

The whole time you walked around, your hand was held tightly in Seungmins. You weren’t sure if it was because you looked good or simply because it was simple human etiquette to make sure you stayed close to your best friend, but you didn’t mind it. No matter what you did, the two of you always stayed true to the whole ‘everywhere you go I go’ thing, and going to a party never really changed that either. You were honestly walking around to find your friends as after finding out that you were attending the party you all agreed to meet up and hang out. You were really most excited for that since they had promised to play a few games set up by one of the hosts and you heard around that it was going to be fun. You were all adults, so surely that fun included getting drunk and making an absolute fool of yourself while doing so.

Minutes of walking around later and you finally found everyone already in a circle for the game. You greeted them and they immediately greeted you back. They don’t hesitate to eye you in your outfit, compliments flowing out of their mouths way easier than it was for Seungmin, and if he were being honest he didn’t like it one bit.

“You look so pretty tonight!” Felix says, a friend you met while on your way to work one day. You ended up bumping into him due to walking too fast without paying attention. It was the typical cliche for a friendship starter, but it was enough for him to genuinely take interest in you and become your friend.

“You’ve gotta dress me next time.” Changbin, another friend of the two of you says. You ended up meeting him through a group project you had in one of your classes. Despite not really liking the project, he made it easier and more fun for you. Because of it, the two of you decided to start talking outside of classes and grew a lot closer.

“That’s definitely your color!” Jisung, who was also a friend of you two, adds in. You met Jisung through the fact that you were sitting in the Library one day and he had asked you for directions as the day the two of you met was his first day. You were kind to him and eventually the two of you hung out enough after that to become friends.

As you were showered in compliments, Seungmin opted to just stand beside you and look around. It’s not like he didn’t like the three, but more of the fact he was a little jealous of the fact that they instantly flocked over to you. You were dressed beautifully tonight and not even Seungmin looming over you the entire time was enough to stop various people from approaching you and telling you how pretty you looked. He wanted to compliment you, he really did, but every time he felt himself about to say the words he wanted to say he’d only grow nervous and push them back down. He wasn’t sure what it was about you now that made him so nervous to say words that said you looked good, you two were really good friends after all, but he could never find the confidence. Every time he tried you were either getting bombarded with compliments from someone else or he would grow too afraid to and told himself to forget about it.

“Hello to you too, min!” Felix perks up, waving to Seungmin. “Hello.” Seungmin simply says back.

“C’mon, loosen up, we’re at a party, you can drop the cool guy act here!” Changbin says, playfully bumping into the other, passing him a cup of alcohol.

“Yeah, Min! Loosen up, let’s stand with the others cause the games are about to start!” Jisung adds, pulling the two of you into the group of people that were circled around a game table.

As you join the group of people you’re handed your own cup of alcohol, a little something to speed up your fun for the party. In all honesty, you had never really drank alcohol before as you have never had the time to, so seeing it in person made you surprised a bit. You swirl it around in your cup a bit, watching as it spins around in a mini tornado. You’re fascinated by it, but also a little nervous by it at the same time the more you stare at it. You bring it up to your nose, the strong pungent smell filling your nose almost instantly. It has you turning your nose up to it, wondering if this was even okay to drink in general. You’re pretty sure it was mixed with some kind of juice to make it easier to drink since the smell was followed by something sweet right after.

With no more time to waste you decide to just throw the drink into your mouth, swallowing thickly when you do. You cough from how fast you drink the liquid, and you scrunch your nose from the bitterness of the alcohol. You’re almost glad there was juice paired with it or else it might’ve all just come back up from how weird the experience felt. When it’s all gone you let out a loud sigh, this was definitely going to be a long night, you already knew it.

—

And a long night it definitely was, because you were extremely tipsy, on a thin line between sober and really drunk. One cup after another and suddenly you found it hard to stop, all to the point where Seungmin eventually had to intervene and stop you from drinking to death. You were a giggly, stumbling mess as everyone continued their games as they had when you first joined. Seungmin decided to stay sober, only to be aware of your safety and simply because he chose to. Drinking wasn’t really his thing, he didn’t have any interest in it so he didn’t see the need for him to drink while he was here.

You were standing around, chatting with everyone you saw and laughing at everything you heard. It was honestly kind of endearing to see you like this, to see you finally able to let loose and enjoy yourself. The amount of times Seungmin has had to keep you from embarrassing yourself would never take away the happiness he feels for you knowing that you’re having a good time. You’re letting loose, dancing around with everyone and making jokes, roping Seungmin in and forcing him to dance with you, and though he’s embarrassed by it he could never say no to you. This was honestly the most fun you’ve had since you’ve been on campus and you only wonder what this would be like if you partied every weekend. Would it still give you the same rush it was giving you now, or would you quickly grow tired of it?

Maybe you could space out the amount of times you could party after this, but for now all you knew was that you were definitely going to do this again.

“Alright, we’re going to play a quick game of truth or dare, is everyone ready?” A girl in the circle says and everyone nods.

You quickly turn to Seungmin, “You gotta participate! Please Min, you can’t sit this one out” You pout. You’re lucky he couldn’t say no to you, especially when you’re pouting up to him like this. He sighs and takes your hand in his. “Okay, I will.”

You give a noise in excitement and drag him back over to the group of people, continuing to stand in the circle that you were standing in before. You’re a little excited to know what kind of dares they’re going to give, especially since it was late in the night and everyone was almost as drunk as you were. It was the perfect combination to give the most interesting, yet filthiest dares if they really wanted to. As you wait for everyone to get together, you squeeze Seungmins hand as a silent way of thanking him for being here with you. You two had always done the hand squeezing system to show your appreciation and attention for each other, it was a silent way to assure and speak without having to actually speak. You could never grow tired of it, it was honestly one of your favorite things to do with him. He squeezes your hand back and you can’t help the smile that spreads across your face when you receive a squeeze back.

You’re not sure if it was the alcohol making you feel this way, but you’re starting to appreciate him a lot right now. You wonder how you were able to get so lucky the way that you were with him, how lucky it was for you to be able to have someone that understood you even without words. You take the time to stare up at him and when he does the same, you do your best not to lean in and kiss him right then and there.

The game finally starts up and judging by the dares and truths you’ve heard tonight you’re honestly a little scared now to play the game, especially in the state you were in. You were still aware of your surroundings, but you were afraid that you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from exposing yourself once you started to talk. The questions that get asked are way too personal and the dares only make you want to hide away and forget the game all together. People were getting dared to full-on make out with one another, some getting dared to give a strip tease to the whole room, and there was even a truth asked that revealed who Felix last jerked off to.

When it’s your turn, you’re staring like a deer in headlights, a little unable to process what’s fully going on other than you were asked a question.

“Okaay, Truth or dare?” Someone named Chan asks, you’ve only met him tonight, yet you’ve mentioned his name at least twenty times now.

You think for a moment, “Dare.”

You’re a little internally shocked that you even managed enough confidence to say that, and honestly Seungmin was too. In all honesty you were trying to seem cool in front of everyone, so your response was a lot less freaked out than you were on the inside. Chan laughs at how seemingly quick your answer was and he thinks of a quick dare to give you. Anyone here who’s been focused on you would’ve noticed how clingy you were to Seungmin tonight, and to Chan’s knowledge it was clear you had a thing for him. He decided to base his dare on Seungmin, figuring that maybe he could help you out on your feelings for the man.

“I dare you to play 7 minutes in Heaven with him.” Chan speaks out, pointing straight towards Seungmin.

Without thinking, both of your jaws drop and you face each other in disbelief. “H-huh? Him?” You ask, pointing towards Seungmin to further clarify that you heard right.

Chan nods, “Yep, and thankfully there’s a closet right over there, so get to it.” He says, pointing in the closet’s direction. “You’ll be out for a turn.”

You’re unable to move now, a little terrified of the fact that this was happening to you right now. It’s not like you didn’t want to, but you were scared of how Seungmin felt about it. It was just a game and you figured that Seungmin was probably thinking the same thing. You let go of Seungmin’s hand, and for a moment he looks at you as if you had just shattered a glass in front of him.

“Come on.” You say, heading towards the direction of the closet. If you were going to do this, you had to do it now before your body went into flight mode and decided to just take off.

You lead him into the closet and he shuts the door after himself. It’s a lot more cramped than you hoped to be, and you’re a lot closer to him than you thought you’d be. It’s silent for a few seconds, and it’s clear the both of you are nervous right now. You’ve seen him put his hand over his chest a few times over the dim light the closet gave you. Thankfully it had shutter doors, so there was at least a tiny bit of light entering the small space, enough to make out faces but not enough to see. You’re glad nobody was actually focused on you two or else they would’ve seen the both of you just standing in here not knowing what to do. The sounds of the party were muffled, not enough for it to be dead silent, but enough to allow the two of you to get engulfed in your own little world.

You want to make the first move, to hype yourself up and remind the two of you that it was just a game and that a kiss wouldn’t ruin your friendship. You try and think really hard of times where the two of you may have kissed, even if it were by accident, and all you can think of is the time where he accidentally ran into you. You let out a shaky breath, deciding that if anyone was going to make the first move it’d ought to be you, it was your dare after all. As you try to decide what to do, Seungmin's voice suddenly fills the awkward silence between the two of you.

“Hey, if – you don’t want to do this, we can just stand here..” He suggests, and you shake your head.

“No. Let’s just do this, it’s only a kiss…right?” You say

He nods, “Yeah .. just a kiss. Nothing’s gonna change between us, right?” He asks, and you nod in response.

He lets out a breath of relief, not for your sake but for his own. He was worried you’d think too hard about it and stress yourself out over it. As long as the two of you agreed that it was just a kiss then it would stay as only that and it would mean nothing else. It’s what you wanted right? It grew a little more tense now that the agreement was set in place, and now all that's left to do was actually kiss you. Seungmin lets out another quick breath, placing a hand over his pacing heartbeat in an attempt to steady it. You’re staring up at him with curious round eyes, unsure if he was going to make the first move or not. You try and think of ways you could lighten this awkward atmosphere and make it easier on the both of you. You weren’t even sure why you were so nervous, but then again it wasn’t everyday that you had to kiss your best friend.

You didn’t even have to really make out with him, you could honestly just give him a peck or really just stand there – so why did you even agree to kissing him in the first place? Because you wanted to, you wanted to kiss him, and parts of you hope that he wanted to kiss you as well. Without saying much, Seungmin grabs your hands, pulling you a little closer to him. You’re slightly pressed against his chest, your bodies touching but not too much for comfort. He’s nervous, you can tell just from his quickened heartbeat, but you can also tell that he’s ready to leave this cramped up closet already.

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?” He asks, his voice a little softer this time. You nod, and he nods in acknowledgement.

Before you know it, he’s pulling you closer to him, your lips just inches away from touching. Your eyes are shut and he’s nearly already panting without even having to kiss you yet. Without thinking you decide to be the one that closes the gap between the two of you.

He’s sweet and he tastes of strawberries and vanilla – meanwhile you taste like cherries and strong notes of alcohol. The kiss starts off innocently at first, but then the longer you’re on him the messier it starts to get. Your breathing increases and he’s got his hands all over you without noticing that they were. Your bodies are practically meshed together at this point, nearly tumbling over in the closet when you push him closer against the closet wall. You didn’t think your first kiss would be Seungmin, and you definitely didn’t expect for your first kiss to be in a hallway closet during the middle of a party. You’re sort of straddling his thigh now, and he decides to keep his thigh pressed against your core without you having to really ask.

Your panties are soaked at this point alongside your chin and mouth. Your hands move from his shoulders to his face in an attempt to bring him closer to you, resulting in desperate open mouthed kisses shared between the two of you. You’re not thinking straight at this point and without even noticing you’re grinding against his thigh, soft whimpers involuntarily escaping your mouth at this point. He helps you keep a steady pace by holding a firm hand on your hips, flexing and tensing his knee so that it’s easier for you to feel pleasure. You’re sure that you could just cum from this if you really wanted to, so you silently hope that he allows you to.

The once semi-quiet closet is full of pants and soft moans between the two of you without the need for any words. He knows exactly what you want without you having to actually say it, so in one swift motion he puts both of his hands on your hips to speed your movements up. You’re the first to pull away from the kiss, burying your face into his neck in order to shamelessly release the moans you were trying your hardest to keep down before. Your hands move to his shoulder in order to support yourself as you grind against his thigh. His mouth finds its way to your neck and he places a scatter of kisses and bites alongside your neck. Your eyes are squeezed tightly shut as you focus on the pleasure he was making you feel.

“Are you gonna cum right here?” He whispers in your ear in a tone that was so surprisingly low for him to have.

You nod, and his voice has you moaning a bit louder and honestly you’re a little embarrassed. Your mind began to wonder how he’d sound if the two of you were in bed together, a tangled mess of limbs as he sheaths himself deep inside of you. You imagine his voice whispering and groaning the filthiest words to you while he’s fucking you into your matteress. And the thought does you in.

You cum with a loud whine, digging your nails into his shoulder to keep yourself from toppling over. He wraps his arms around you to hold you close to him as you come down from your high. The two of you are still panting even after you’re both done, and shortly after the realization is hitting you like a truck. This whole thing was supposed to be just a simple kiss, it wasn’t supposed to end with you cumming in your underwear like this. Extremely embarrassed now, you pull away from him, avoiding his gaze. Part of him wants you to say something, to tell him if you enjoyed what just happened or if you felt like that was something that could change how the two of you viewed one another. Instead, you don’t really say anything, you just straighten your dress and awkwardly clear your throat. For a moment, Seungmin wonders if he had done something wrong, if maybe he read into that whole thing the wrong way. He figured the two of you were on the same page when the whole thing started to fully unfold, but now that he thought about it, he probably did take it a little too far.

“Um… do you want to leave now?” You ask, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Oh, yeah.” He calmly says, and he takes your hand in his as he slowly opens the closet door.

The two of you are greeted by a bunch of hooting and hollering from the other party goers, and your face is hot with the blush that spreads across your face. You should feel accomplished, proud, but instead you feel weird, and sort of freaked out. It wasn’t towards Seungmin of course, but more towards yourself. You shouldn’t have let it go that far – it wasn’t supposed to go that far. You let the alcohol talk and work you up more than you needed to be and instead you made a fool of yourself. You felt awful for putting Seungmin in such a position that catered to your desires. You let your thoughts win and basically pushed yourself onto him without once thinking about how he felt about it.

Did he even want to do that with you? In the end, it was only supposed to be just a kiss… so why did you feel so many emotions with it? Maybe it was the alcohol finally wearing off or the realization of knowing that you just came to your best friend in a way you honestly shouldn’t have done, but suddenly you were feeling tired and you honestly just wanted to go home now. You tug at the sleeves of Seungmin’s jacket and signal to him that you want to go home by pointing to his car keys. He immediately understands this, and without further questioning he whisks you away and leads you towards his car. The party is a mash of colors and random noise as you navigate your way back towards the front of the house. You can’t even focus right now, and all you wanted was to just be in your room away from everything and everyone.

When you reach his car you don’t wait for him to open the door for you, you simply just climb inside as fast as you can and shut the door. He’s a little confused, but he still gets into the car nonetheless. Silently, he starts up the car and to your relief he’s finally on the road and driving you back home. The car ride is painfully silent, and the two of you don’t make any efforts to talk to one another, a first that was too scary for the both of you to have. You stare out the window and tune out the annoying radio that Seungmin uses as background noise as you focus on your own thoughts. As you sit and stare at everything, Seungmin is tense, gripping the steering wheel as he tries to focus on just getting you back home. He worries if maybe he took things a step too far and he felt the need to apologize.

He figures he should’ve just given you a simple peck and left it alone, but he couldn’t. Parts of him had craved that kiss so much that it was nearly too hard to just deny. He wanted to pull over and talk to you, but whenever he felt the courage to be able to, he pulled back to that version of him that was so afraid to talk about his feelings. He figures that maybe this was one of those situations that needed time to go away on its own before the two of you could talk about it without feeling any type of way. He just hoped that you didn’t hate him, that you would still be able to talk to him after this without being angry.

“Do you want me to spend the night?” He asks, his voice a lot different than the one that spoke to you in the closet earlier. It was more soft and cautious.

Did you even want him to spend the night? Yeah you did, but what was that going to do for you besides drive you even more crazy. You honestly can’t have him next to you while you are like this. You knew that if he saw you the way he did now then he’d only keep you awake by getting you to talk about how you felt, and honestly you just wanted to sleep.

“No.” You simply say.

Seungmin is a little taken aback, but he’s not too surprised. He figured that after this whole thing you’d want to be away from him for a little while, and he can understand why. He doesn’t argue with you, only nodding in acknowledgement and speeding a little so that you could be home faster. You try to fight off the tears that threaten to fall from your eyes, why did you have to be this way? Why did you have to let a kiss ruin your entire mood and make this awkward for you? You knew why, but you didn’t want to come to terms with it, not now, not while you were sitting mere inches away from the person it pertained to. You wished that this night hadn’t ended the way it did, that Chan never dared you to kiss him just because he wanted to play matchmaker.

You were so into your head that you never noticed when Seungmin pulled into the apartment complex parking lot, quietly waiting for you to get out. When you come back into reality you quietly gather your things and without saying a single word you simply open Seungmin’s car door.

“Goodnight.” He suddenly says.

You don’t answer for a while, and for a moment Seungmin figures that maybe you won’t say it at all, but when you’re fully out of the car you speak up again.

“Goodnight.”

You shut the door and quickly head up to your apartment. Seungmin watches as you enter your apartment and disappear, sighing when he sees you turn your apartment lights on. He turns off his car and leans his head on the steering wheel, letting out a frustrated sigh.

—

You were definitely in love with him. This you already knew, but the kiss and the actions that proceeded after that only further confirmed it, and honestly it made you a little afraid. You were worried that if you hung around him then you’d only end up telling him how you felt.

Over time you just started ignoring Seungmin all together. You tore yourself apart over it everyday, but honestly you don’t think you could have him around you right now. You were angry at yourself for allowing your first kiss with him to be in a cramped up storage closet at a party you grew tipsy at, letting your emotions get the best over you too easily. You figured that if you distanced yourself enough he’d grow impatient of waiting on you and he’d eventually leave so that you didn’t have to tell him how you really felt. Was that a dick move? Absolutely, but you’d rather distance ruin your friendship than feelings he probably didn’t reciprocate.

This wasn’t love, you knew that, but love was foreign thing to you, so instead of dealing with it you chose to run away. You don’t think you could handle rejection he’d give you if you confessed, in all honesty it’ll only break you. If it were anyone else, then perhaps you would’ve been able to get over it, but this was Seungmin, someone who you had known for almost your entire life. He wasn’t just some random guy, he was someone who had a huge role in your life, someone who’s words meant a lot more to you than anyone. His rejection would hurt a lot more than anyone else's, it’ll hold more and it’d be a lot harder to get over. Parts of you wanted to think that he wanted to kiss you, that you were just overthinking and that he really did like you back. But you couldn’t risk it, you couldn’t risk doing that to yourself or to him, so you decided to just plan ahead to avoid the worst.

You couldn’t face him, not now and maybe not even ever. You stopped allowing him to come over to your apartment, and you started to plan going out during times you knew he wouldn’t go out. You started to really notice how big of a part Seungmin truly played in your life the more you stayed away from him and honestly it was a little weird. All you’ve ever known was Seungmin, so to not have him by your side was a little odd. Distancing yourself away from him made you realize that he was quite literally ALWAYS with you, even with you at your apartment though he quite literally lived a floor below you. You found the time away from him to be a confusing yet relieving thing as you realized that now you didn’t have someone standing over you twenty four seven.

You stopped taking his calls, and even avoided your other friends knowing that he was going to be around. You kind of wanted nothing to do with him right now, because it allowed you to momentarily breathe and think freely.

On the other end, Seungmin was in absolute agony. When you stopped talking to him it was honestly out of nowhere and very unexpected. He had stopped hearing from you and didn’t see you as much anymore. He began to wonder if the whole thing was his fault, as he had let his own emotions get in the way of the kiss that night. If he had just kissed you normally would things be okay between the two of you? He hated not knowing what you were doing and if you were okay, but he also knew that you probably needed space right now.

As much as he wanted to respect your boundaries, it was also killing him at the same time. He didn’t know what to really do with himself now that you weren’t around him now. He found his apartment too quiet for his liking, it allowed him to focus way too much on his thoughts and he hated it. His journal entries were full of nothing of nothing but you lately, and sometimes they were full-on stories and often they were just two sentences. He couldn’t function normally without you, seeing that socializing with other people was just too boring and taxing on him. He didn’t feel the need to go out as much and he found that maybe he had way too much free time than he’d like.

He felt empty, like he was missing something in his life. He didn’t think that kiss shared between the two of you would end up like this. Maybe it was because he was too much of a coward to admit his feelings towards you, angry that he let you go all this time without telling you how he really felt about you. He was just so horrible with words and he found it so hard to admit something that was so small to you. He liked you — in love with you even, and it didn’t take a scholar to figure that out, but when it came to you it was so hard for him to say that.

If he told you how he felt would this have gone differently? If he had just opened up to how he felt would you still be around? He felt like he had lost you, like you were the only thing keeping him together — and honestly you were. Without you his life felt sort of meaningless, like there wasn’t really anything else to look forward to.

In the end, Seungmin was respectful before anything else. If you needed space then he wasn’t the one to intrude and bother you when you didn’t need it. It pained him, but it would’ve also pained him to keep you around knowing that you didn’t want to be. Maybe it was for the best right now to be away from you, it could be a lesson for him. In his time away from you he took the time to reflect on himself, to allow himself to feel the way he does. He’ll work on himself as long as it means that you’d come back to him in the end.

These days it felt like all of his thoughts were full of nothing but you. He wondered what you were up to right now, were you missing him just as much as he missed you? Were you feeling the same way he was? Lost, distressed and lonely? Perhaps you were feeling good about this whole thing and using it as time for yourself. He didn’t want to be the one to take your freedom away from you, this could’ve been what you needed. Or maybe you were waiting on him to show up to your apartment without having to ask. Being away from you meant not really knowing what you wanted him to do anymore. Back then, when the two of you were upset towards each other all it took was a simple apology from him and a trip to your favorite restaurant for you to feel better. Now, things felt different, almost like they weren’t entirely the same anymore. Times where either of you were upset towards each other were rare, and so you being upset with him was still a foreign concept.

The reason for this distance also felt a lot different too. Normally the two of you would be upset over a small disagreement whenever you did get angry at him, but this time it wasn’t the same. You had distanced yourself from him because of a kiss, because of feelings he couldn’t verbally say. He didn’t know what to do in a situation like this, should he keep calling you? Should he show up to your apartment with flowers and kiss you at your doorstep? He should probably stick to talking to you first before doing anything as drastic as that. If he had the chance, he’d go back in time to stop himself from agreeing to it in the first place. If not kissing you meant that you’d be here with him then for now he regrets it. He regrets kissing you at a party in the conditions you two were given and not saying anything afterwards.

Truth is, he was scared. He didn’t know what to do after he had kissed you. He was afraid that if he used that time to confess then you would’ve just turned him down. You were drunk and he didn’t want to ask you out like that, definitely not at some party. He didn’t want you to think too hard about your relationship with him if he did bring it up to you, he thought he was doing the right thing by letting it go afterwards. He should’ve said something — anything. He should’ve told you that he enjoyed kissing you, that he loved having you pressed against him the way you were. He should’ve held you for a little while longer and told you how he felt about you in his car. There was a lot he should’ve done that night, and maybe it wasn’t the kiss he regretted , but the way he didn’t do anything about it after.

It was his fault, this whole thing was his fault. You deserve someone who could verbalize their feelings way better than he can. Perhaps this was your eye opening moment, an opportunity to show that Seungmin might’ve not been who you were supposed to be with. If that meant allowing you to walk out of his life to find something, or someone better, then Seungmin would allow it. As much as it would’ve killed him to see you actually go, it would hurt him less to know that you were doing something that made you happy. All Seungmin ever wanted was for you to just be happy, to experience life in ways you’ve never thought of before, to find yourself. He wanted to be your first friend, your first adventure and maybe even your first love. If you weren’t to find any of that with him then he’d be okay, he just wanted you to know how loved you were by him.

Someday you’ll find someone other than Seungmin who’ll be able to tell you a whole lot better than he ever could. And he’ll gladly sit on the side if that meant that you were happy, if it meant that you truly didn’t need him anymore. He couldn’t be your first love, but he was your first breath of fresh air, your first person to cry to and your first reason to be alive. That was enough for him, to know that you’ll eventually leave him still full of the love he had given him. He’ll always have a piece of you, whether it was him watching your favorite show by himself or going to your favorite shared restaurant alone. He’ll find you in everything he does, he’ll find you in the way he cooks his food, in the way he dresses himself, he doesn’t think he’ll ever lose his pieces of you.

And he hopes that you’ll carry pieces of him too no matter where you go and what you are to him. He hopes you’ll find him in everything you do, that you’ll be reminded of him whenever you do something. That you’ll see him whenever you go grocery shopping with your lover or you’ll see him in a movie you share with someone else. He just wants you to hold the memory of him for as long as you can, and in return he’ll hold the memories of you close to his heart and to his grave. He knows that he’s not the only one for you, but he’s glad to have been someone to you.

If he had the chance right now he’d tell you he was sorry. He’s sorry for holding himself back, for not loving you how you needed to be loved, for not being there for you.

In another universe you’d be here with him, pouring all your love into him with kisses. But instead he’s alone, regretting all of the things he should’ve done differently.

—

It had been awhile since you’ve really last seen Seungmin, and honestly you were starting to wonder if you’d ever really see him again.

It’s been a month since the kiss, and he’s never stopped texting or calling you ever since. You feel a bit bad about it, for ignoring him out of the blue, but right now you both needed this. You both needed time to properly process each of your emotions and be able to do things without the need for either one of you to be around. You quickly learned to do things without having to need Seungmin around, finding a decent schedule in life that you never knew you had the ability to make. Of course, while you were away from him you never stopped thinking about him either, and you wondered if he was okay.

Often you’d see him leaving his apartment and you’d find yourself wanting to stop him and talk to him, but you had to remind yourself that the distance was necessary. In order to really get over him you had to separate yourself to avoid gaining any further feelings for him. You wanted to come back to your friendship with no romantic feelings so that you’re able to talk to him and be around him without feeling too awkward. Even though it was a little unfair to him since he wasn’t made aware of this ‘break’, you figured that he had to have some level of understanding of what was going on. You were doing this for the both of you, even though he didn’t really know that.

You weren’t planning to ignore him for long, and honestly you weren’t really planning to ignore him for this long it just sort of happened. You decided to just keep at it since maybe the longer you ignored him the faster those evil romantic thoughts of him would go away. And though they never really did, you were determined to at least work on yourself enough to be able to come back to him as you once were.

You’re finally working again after impulsively quitting your last one in fear that you’d see him again. After an adequate amount of time passed you figured that maybe you’ll give working a job another try since you kind of needed it right now because your parents weren't going to be able to help you with your apartment forever. You figure that if you work somewhere that Seungmin didn’t know about then the chances of you seeing him again would be slim and you wouldn’t have to worry about any encounters with him anytime soon. Your plan was completely foolproof, and for the longest you believed that your idea of starting a job somewhere else was absolutely genius. Seungmin was always your main driver, allowing you to drive his car once in a while, but since he wasn’t around it was a little taxing to take the bus every now and then, but you managed it just fine after a while.

You were working your normal shift as you had been for the past few weeks, and like normal you didn’t have any expectations for him to show up. It’s been weeks now, there was no way he’d show up right now anyway. You were working as a retail associate in a small boutique that you hadn’t heard of until you overheard someone on campus mentioning it. It piqued your interest, and after doing the application and getting to know everyone you were quickly accepted and you grew to like it more than you thought. It was a lot different than your last job, since you had no experience as a retail associate, but you grasped the concept of everything right away. You were minding your business, folding clothes away and humming a random song to yourself as you always had when suddenly the bell above the door went off.

It was a rather slow day, so whenever a customer popped in you were quick to hurry over to them and help them as soon as possible in order to avoid taking up any time. You set the pile of clothes you were holding back down on the clothing shelf and dust your hands off as you make your way towards the counter seeing that was where the customer headed straight over to. You assume they just needed to return something or had a question, so you figure that whatever it was that it wasn’t going to take long. You maintain a bright smile on your face as you prepare to meet the customer, but as you round the corner your smile instantly fades and a wave of terror took over your entire body.

There, standing at the counter, was Seungmin, the one you had been ignoring for a long time. He’s not exactly too happy to see you either when he hears you coming up from his side, his face forming into a look of shock and slight confusion. You’re both standing there unable to form any type of sentence or thoughts as you stand before him. It was your job anyway to interact with customers and help them, but right now you were feeling like doing the exact opposite of that. You wanted to tell him that the store was closed and that he had to come back on another day, but you knew your manager would emerge from the back if she saw you turning him away. You sigh and try to compose yourself, it’s just a simple interaction, it’s not like he’s here for anything else, and you’re not here to talk to him.

“Can I help you?” You ask, but your words come out a little harsher than intended to. You’re just as taken aback as he is when you speak, but you shake it off and wait for him to say something.

“I um, I was here to return this.” He tells you, holding up a shirt in his hands. You take the time to carefully inspect the shirt and you realize it’s a shirt you had bought him for the party the two of you attended. Your eyes dart back up to him and there’s a light blush across his face from embarrassment.

“Yeah, sure.” You say, stretching your hand out. He can tell that you’re a little upset by it and he’s exactly right. You bought that for him because you thought it would look good on him, and for the short time it was worn it definitely was, but you guess he didn’t like it as much as you did.

You expect him to hand you the shirt and leave or something, but instead he just stands there looking you dead in your eyes. You grow a little impatient, so you decide to speed this up by trying to just reach for it and take it, but he pulls his hand back in time.

“Hey, I’m sorry, It’s like I didn’t like it or anything–” He begins, but you cut him off by trying to reach for it again, huffing a frustrated sigh when you miss.

“I don’t care, just give me the shirt. I’m not here to talk to you.” You say, eyes trained on the shirt instead of on him.

Seungmin furrows his eyebrows, you’ve never spoken to him like that before, did the kiss between the two of you really cause you to hate him this much?

“What’s your problem?” He genuinely asks, and you emit another loud sigh, separating yourself away from him to keep yourself from going for the shirt again.

“I’m not doing this with you right now. I’m trying to work, so if you’re not here for anything then I think you should leave.”

Seungmin is a lot more shocked now at how you’re speaking to him, and for a second he’s a little upset with you. You’ve been ignoring him all this time, and now that he’s seeing you again you’re just getting short with him and growing angry.

“I’m not leaving. I want you to talk to me.” He says again and you finally look at him.

“Seungmin.” You sternly say, “I am not talking to you right now! Do you see where we are?” You say, and he crosses his arms.

“Okay? So can we talk when you’re done with work?” He asks, and all you can do is pinch the bridge of your nose.

“If that’ll get you off my back right now then– Ugh! Yes, we can talk after I’m done, but right now I can’t deal with you.” You tell him, and you can see the look of relief wash over his face.

“Okay– I’ll take you home and we can just talk there?” He asks, but you’re walking away, waving him off to dismiss the conversation.

“Yeah yeah.”

–

You can’t believe that you’re doing this, that after months of deliberately ignoring him you’re actually in his car almost like nothing ever happened. The car ride is nearly as silent as it was on that day of the party, the same annoying radio station blasting through his speakers. You’re almost annoyed at yourself for allowing him to easily talk you into doing this, at the time you were just upset and wanted to get the whole interaction over with so you weren’t really thinking. You guess it’s time for the two of you to talk anyway, you were just annoyed that it was earlier than what you were expecting it to be. It was a lot more impulsive too, you didn’t even get to properly plan the talk out, it just sort of happened.

You weren’t even sure if you were ready to talk to him right now, your thoughts and feelings about him were about the same as they were before this was happening, so you were worried you’d end up saying something stupid if you weren’t too careful. The closer you get to your apartment the more you wonder if you should tell him to drop you off and go home, to tell him not to expect anything from you. But those were too harsh, you were already mean enough to him at the boutique and to be fair he deserved at least some sort of explanation from you, even if it weren’t the full truth. You let out a sigh you didn’t even know you were holding and you continue staring out of the window as you draw closer and closer to a talk you honestly weren’t even ready for.

When the two of you do reach your apartment building, it’s still a little silent when you both get out. You make sure to grab all of your things and then you allow him to follow you up to your apartment afterwards. You decide that if you were going to talk to him then you were just going to keep it short and simple, not planning to have this conversation last all night. You enter your apartment building and allow him to squeeze in right after you once you’re inside. The apartment is just as silent as you are, and Seungmin is a little surprised to see that it was a lot more different than it was the last time he saw it. You’ve definitely moved a lot of things around as well as bought a few more items to fill the once empty space in your home. It’s a lot more cozier than last time, and it kind of saddens him to know he wasn’t there for any of it.

The more he stands in your house the more nervous he gets once he realizes that you’re not going to talk first. He was the one that wanted to talk to you, so you were simply going to sit on the couch and wait for him to speak. Seungmin stares at the ground for a bit before going over to one of the ottomans that lie on the ground, sitting atop of it. It was now or never, and personally Seungmin wasn’t looking forward to having to wait on you to talk to him again. So, with a shaky breath he begins to talk.

“What’s going on with us?” He asks, and you squint at him.

“There’s nothing wrong with us.” You simply say, “We’re just taking a break from one another.”

“But why? Not only did you ignore me for an entire month – but you did it without telling me anything. It was like you just upped and left.” He says, a little upset at how calm you’re being right now.

“So? I don’t understand why that’s such a big deal. It’s not like I was planning to ignore you forever or anything, I just needed space.” You admit, and his face twists into a slightly confused look.

“The problem is that you didn’t tell me that you wanted space. You normally tell me everything, so why is it that you’re suddenly pulling yourself away from me and acting like it was okay to just ghost me like that?”

You cross your arms, tongue poking at your cheek from the level of irritation you were feeling. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know the real reason that you were doing this, but you were starting to grow upset, because any longer of this and you might just end up telling him. You can only be irritated in hopes he’d just grow upset and finally leave you alone, but you knew Seungmin. If something was going on he was going to press you about it, even if it took all night or even days. Now that he was here, there was no way of escape, you were backed into a corner and forced to talk about how you felt whether you liked it or not.

“Seungmin, do you ever just feel so… stuck and cramped because we’re always together?” You ask, completely ignoring his question. He tilts his head, a little unsure of what path this conversation was about to take.

“No, I don’t. You know why? Because I actually enjoy being with you.” He honestly answers and you scoff, of course he’d say that. “Do you not feel the same way?” He asks you, and you shake your head ‘no’ in full honesty.

“If you want the truth, no, I don’t. We’re always together and I was getting sick and tired of constantly being around you all the time. This time away made me realize how refreshing it was to not have you around.” You honestly admit, and his jaw drops at your words.

He’s hurt by your blunt honesty, but if he left now then he’d never have the chance to talk to you, so he tries to push it aside. “Why couldn’t you have just said that? Why did you let it resort to you just pushing me away?”

You roll your eyes, leaning against the couch as you try to think, “‘Cause you’re sensitive, I don’t know!” You answer, sitting back up to look at him again. “If I told you then you would’ve just been all upset and ran off.”

“You don’t think I’m upset right now too?” He asks, genuine confusion on his face towards your words.

“Of course you’re upset. You’re upset when this whole thing is your fault, when you kissed me and then proceeded to make my life more difficult.” You spat, and his demeanor is a little more sad now.

“Why.. Do you hate me?” He asks, his voice soft and a little afraid.

You groan in frustration, holding your face in your hands. You were clearly making this worse on yourself, and you had to figure out a way to save it before things got to the point of being unsalvageable. “I don’t hate you! I just– ugh!”

“So? What is it then, huh? Why are you doing to me, why are you pretending like any of that never happened? What did I do to y–” He begins, but you’re quick to cut him off.

“Because I’m in love with you, okay?” You blurt out, and you’re talking before you can even process it. “I’m so in love with you, and I can’t stand to be around you without wanting that kiss to mean something to us. I don’t want to be around you knowing that you don’t even love me in the same way that I know I do.”

You cover your mouth in pure shock from your own confession, and suddenly the apartment grows silent again. You just confessed, and you feel like your entire world has just crashed down on you. It wasn’t supposed to be like this – it was never meant to be like this. You weren’t supposed to let your confession slip, you were supposed to just talk to him and let him leave. You were brought back to that feeling you felt when you first kissed him, idiotic, embarrassed and ashamed. You were such a fool for even allowing your feelings to develop past anything romantic and because you were so horrible at keeping your mouth shut you might’ve just ruined the only good thing in your life.

Maybe you weren’t able to fully come to terms with your feelings and that’s probably why you felt so emotional over this whole thing.

“I’m just so afraid of losing you because I can’t control how I feel..” You softly say, tears threatening to fall.

You felt like such a mess, unsure of why you couldn’t just admit anything to him. Seungmin was surprised, a little unsure himself of what to say due to the fact that now he was too shy to tell you the same thing. The words he so desperately wanted to say got caught in his throat, and all he could do was stare at you. He stared and stared, hoping that you’d understand him like you always had, but instead you only just pushed him away further. You knew exactly how this was going to end, and now that you were at that point be nothing didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Instead, you only stand, avoiding his gaze as you hold your arm.

“Can you just… leave? I don’t think we can be in each other's lives right now..” You quietly say, a single tear rolling down your cheek.

Seungmin is a little hesitant, not wanting to leave as he knew that once he left here you’d be gone from his life forever. He didn’t want that, he wanted to talk to you, to confess his feelings but the same fear he had always felt when it came to you slowly crept up on him. He didn’t want to further complicate things, so instead of trying to protest, he only got up and listened to your simple wish of wanting him to leave. And without any further words, he opens your front door and leaves.

When you know he’s fully far away from your apartment, all you can really do is cry. You felt so stupid and it was only then that you realized that this whole thing was truly your fault. If you had just talked to him, if you hadn’t pushed him away like that, if you had just confessed earlier, then maybe you wouldn’t be here.

—

For the first time in forever, you’ve finally grown to know what it felt like to really be alone.

Ever since the fight you had been isolating yourself, you never went to work, or did you go to classes ever since. You had ended up hurting the only person who was ever there for you and now because of your poor choice of words and ability to talk you might never see him again.

And after that you never really did. When you were ignoring him before he’d still make the effort to text you every now and again, but now he didn’t do it at all. The other end of the phone grew completely silent, and you even stopped seeing him leave his apartment as well. You weren’t even sure if he lived in the same apartment building anymore after realizing that his car wasn’t in the parking lot as it once had been. Maybe he ended up going back home, and honestly you don’t blame him, but it makes you wish that you were with him while he did so. Winter break was rolling around and as students began going home for the next few weeks, you came to terms that you’ll just be staying here by yourself.

You missed your hometown, you missed the familiarity, the sense of knowing that everything was going to be okay. You missed when you were a child, where being in love didn’t really exist and when it did then it didn’t bring complicated emotions with it. But most importantly, you missed Seungmin. You miss holding him and having him next to you, you miss your late night conversations and you miss getting lost in every word he said to you.

You wish that you told him you loved him before you came to college, because even then you had known it. You knew you loved him then, but you had always told yourself that you weren’t in love but just really fond of him. You wish you hadn’t convinced yourself that it was less than what it actually was, for letting yourself be afraid when you didn’t have to be. Love was such a foreign concept to you, you’ve never really had time to process it, so when you experience it with someone you were meant to be with platonically it ruins you. You didn’t want to ruin your friendship because you forced yourself to believe that you weren’t supposed to have feelings for someone you only were supposed to see as a friend. You were so scared of just verbalizing your feelings that you had convinced yourself that pushing him away was the right thing.

And now, as winter rolls around and it grows colder, you’re all by yourself with no one to lean on and nothing to keep you warm from this cold season. You’re a lot lonely than you realized, and you know now that you’ve taken Seungmins presence for granted. You thought that being away from him was what you wanted, but really you just wanted to be away from how you felt.

“Are you coming home for winter break?” Your mom asks over the phone, and you shrug although she can’t see.

“Not sure.”

The University is closed for winter break now, and after weeks of telling your mom that you might come home you had to be the bearer of bad news and let her know that it might not happen. You had been sitting in your house for weeks trying to figure out how you were supposed to tell her that you and Seungmin weren’t exactly on speaking terms right now and so you didn’t really have a ride back home anymore. You thought you would’ve had an explanation by now, but all you were able to come up with was that you simply just weren’t sure. You didn’t feel like dealing with a load of questions regarding your status with Seungmin, so you just hoped she’d be a little sad about it and leave you be.

“You know..” She begins, and you’re sitting up in your chair now, intently listening to what she was going to say. “I saw Seungmin a few days ago, I was a little worried when I realized you weren’t with him, is everything okay?” She asks, and you can hear the genuine concern in her tone.

You quietly sighed knowing that it was no use in trying to hide the fact that you and Seungmin weren’t hanging around each other right now. You were also a little relieved to know that he did in fact end up just going back home, and although you sort of knew that it still made you feel better to hear it confirmed. “Yeah um..” You begin, trying to think of a reason as to why you weren’t down there right now.

“He had a family emergency and I was too busy with work and class to join him, so I decided to just stay here.” You lie through your teeth, squeezing your eyes shut and holding your breath as you hope she buys the excuse.

The other end is silent for a moment, and you worry that she might’ve seen right through your lie and was trying to figure out a way to confront you about it. “Oh, I see. Well.. why don’t you tell me where the nearest train station is to you and I’ll just buy you a train ticket, okay?” and you release the anxious breath you had been holding the entire time.

“Yeah– Yeah, okay, I can do that.” You say with a small smile. “Okay, just text it to me and I’ll buy you the ticket, okay?” She reiterates, and you nod even though she can’t see, “Yeah, okay I will. Love you.” You confirm, and she lets out a sound of relief. “Alright, I love you too.”

—

Your hometown is a lot different than what you remember.

As the train pulls into the train station, you’re met with the few familiar sights of what you once used to know when you were younger. There’s a lot more to it though, more colorful buildings and pretty greenery, you figure the town was trying to seem more appealing. It felt weird returning after being away for so long, and it still felt unreal that you were even actually here. Just a few days ago you were telling yourself that you were going to just stay at home and now you’re back in the place you wish you had never left. Although you were nervous to see everyone again, part of the whole trip made you happy. It was nice to be home and to be able to see that there were still some parts of your childhood still hanging around.

You haul your luggage towards the front of the train station where your parents are happily waiting for you at. When you catch sight of them you’re quick to rush over to them and engulf them in a huge suffocating hug. Their familiar scents fill your nose and ease your worries as you cling to them a little longer than intended.

“Oh, you’ve grown so beautifully, my baby.” Your mother coo’s into your hair as she continues to rock you in her arms.

For the first time in a while you feel safe and secure, and you’re no longer really worried about anything right now. All you care about is finally being home in a place you know that you belong in at least for now. When everyone’s ready to leave you gather your things and make your way back to their car. The car ride is more talkative and energetic, and you make sure to fill your parents in on things that you’ve experienced on your wild journey in college. Of course, you make sure to leave out the details of the only party you’ve ever attended while you were there and the fact that you and Seungmin weren’t really on speaking terms right now.

While you guys are having conversation you’re also staring out the window, buildings of your childhood emerging from every corner you all turn and flooding your mind with memories they all hold. Even though the downtown area has changed a bit, your small little old neighborhood remains the same. You’re glad that nothing really ever changed since you left, and it makes you feel like you’re really at home. The further you all drove into your neighborhood the more you really felt like you were at home, the familiar sight of your house just inches away. But, It also breaks your heart to know that Seungmins house is just mere inches down from yours, and you wish that you could see him right now. You crane your head a bit to try and see if his car was in the driveway, biting back your frown when you see his small gray car make itself known in your sights.

Almost as if he were reading your mind, your father speaks up. “Do you want to visit Seungmin before we head home? I heard that he ended up having to leave without you and you know how you two are.” He says, the last line being a little joke about how inseparable the two of you are…or were at least.

Your eyes widen at the mention of his name and you quickly shake your head. “Oh! He um– He told me that he wouldn’t be home when I arrived, so I’ll just see him later.” You say, an awkward smile sitting on your face.

Your parents exchange looks of mild confusion but your father shrugs anyway. “Well alright, we’re almost home.” He tells you and you nod.

When you all arrive at your childhood home you’re quick to get out and admire the building as it stood. It was still the same old two story building as before, just with a little bit more chipped paint and a few plants withering away now. Though it’s changed a bit over these past years, it still felt the same to you. You grab all of your luggage and head inside, the familiar scent of your home fills your nose and you release a satisfied sigh. You quickly head upstairs to your old bedroom, your eyes big in awe at how everything was still in place. Your bed was neatly made and your things were all still in place like you never left. As you walk further inside, your smile fades when you come into view of the wall that was completely covered in memorabilia of you and Seungmin together. There were hardly any parts of the wall left to see as you stare at the amount of pictures and drawings the two of you shared together. You run your fingers alongside the items you kept from him, your mouth slightly turning upward when you see the writings the both of you wrote were still intact.

Although you were ‘home’, you still didn’t have your home next to you the way he should’ve been. He should be here with you, staring at your wall and making fun of you for the silly things you’ve kept on your wall.

You sigh, you’re missing him more than ever now.

You throw yourself across your bed, the plush blankets hitting the back of your head as you stare up at the ceiling, lazily turning your head to stare at the wall. You haven’t even unpacked any of your stuff, and you didn’t take the time to see the rest of the house. As much as you loved being home, you really just wanted to come back to your room and stare at the piles of memories you’ve made with Seungmin as the two of you grew up. You were hoping you’d have something to add from College, but you didn’t. You didn’t think you’d be coming home by yourself, left to stare at something that once was used as a dedication to life now sit and collect dust.

You didn’t think you’d ever know what life without him felt like, what it felt like not having him around you anymore. As your eyes scan the wall, you catch a glimpse of that flimsy little bracelet that you’ve worn around your wrist for who knows how long, and suddenly you feel like time stops. You wonder if he was wearing his right now, or maybe he had taken it off, you wouldn’t have blamed him if he did. You lift your other hand, bringing it slowly towards your bracelet as you gently loop your fingers underneath it – just like how he did that night.

His words feel like they were a lifetime ago, yet they replay in your mind the moment you touch your bracelet. You think of his words the day you two were in the field, how you made him feel. If you could see him again you’d ask to visit the field, and maybe you’d have the confidence to tell him you loved him there, that it had always been him. Tears well in your eyes and your heart stings in your chest as you hold a tighter grip on your bracelet. No matter how you look at it, you broke your promise to him, and you did it in the worst way possible. You let go of the bracelet now, but tears don’t hesitate to fall from your eyes as you replay his words in your mind like a broken record. You were supposed to be his reason for living – for being alive, and you took that away from him because of how selfish you were for your own feelings.

You don’t know if you’ll ever see him again, but If he were here now you’d hold him and tell him you were sorry, but you don’t think you’ll ever get the chance to.

—

For the first time in years, you were able to watch it snow again.

For you, snow has always been a sign of luck and it has held good memories ever since you’ve met Seungmin. While you were in College it never snowed when winter break came, and although you were with Seungmin at the time it made you sad. You were used to going outside and traditionally building snowmen with him while he openly criticizes it. And you don’t care if he judges it, because you knew that was how he showed his love to you. But you don’t have him anymore, and the snow feels so much different to you now. It reminds you of a life you once loved, a reminder that you’ll never have that life again. You wish you could be happy about it again, that you could wake Seungmin up and beg him to go outside with you, but you can’t. The snow feels unfamiliar, almost as if you honestly didn’t know it anymore, like it didn’t have any purpose. It wasn’t sunny as it normally would have been, and for a moment you wonder that the universe might be sympathizing with you by giving you gray skies and endless amounts of snow, like it was trying to show how sorry it was for you.

As you stare out of the window all you can think of is him, and now the snow only feels like a distant memory to you. You semi-cover up your windows, ultimately deciding on just staying inside instead of going out like you normally would have. You don’t have it in you anymore, maybe it was because you were getting older, or because the snow didn’t serve as any importance anymore. You climb back into your bed, huffing as you pull your blankets closer around yourself, and you think to yourself that if you sleep long enough – the snow will pass and you won’t have to stare at it anymore.

Except you can’t sleep, you’re tossing and turning and you swear you can almost hear the snowflakes falling down on your window – like it was taunting you, teasing you. You pull your pillows closer over your head, squeezing your eyes shut and just hoping you’d fall asleep fast enough to pass the day. On what felt like your 100th turn you groan, peeking out from underneath the blanket and staring into the cloudy gray sky. When you’re about to try your attempts at falling asleep again, a figure comes into your room, obstructing your view of the window once they come into frame.

“Hey, breakfast’s ready. I didn’t know if you were up or not – but I heard all that tossing and figured you were.” Your father says, a small grin on his face when he sees a singular eyeball peeking out from underneath the mountains of blanket.

You shake your head, “Not hungry.” You murmur.

Your father stares at you with a look of concern before he’s squatting down in front of you, a comforting hand on top of your head. “I know it’s a little cloudy today, but don’t let it ruin your mood. Once you’re outside you’ll find it to be just like the old times.” He tells you, and you remove a portion of the blanket to reveal your other eye.

Perhaps he was right, although you wanted to fight it, parts of you did want to go outside again. You figure that it wouldn’t hurt to go outside for at least a little bit, just long enough to feel the cold ice on your hands and the brisk winds to hit your face. You blink up at him before slowly sitting up again, giving him a small smile.

“You know.. I think I’ll take you up on that and head outside for a bit.”

—

When you’re fully dressed, you make your way outside and the snow is thick and crunchy beneath your feet as it always had been, and there are large amounts of it everywhere.

It feels weird having snow on a groggy day like this, but at the same time it almost feels relieving, like you didn’t have to force yourself to be in too much of a good mood. You could just feel as you are and reunite with the snow as if it were any other thing, and you do just that. You walk a little ways from your front yard to a small area that is next to your home, squatting down to at least stick your hand in the snow.

As your hands play and draw in the snow, you start to feel a little alive again, memories flooding in like a broken dam. It reminds you of when you had first moved here, alone yet curious about the snow. It had never snowed where you were originally from, so when you had come here it was a sight that amazed you. The snow made you feel the wonders of life, like there was more to explore than just your small little town. And when you met Seungmin, you felt as if he were a gift brought to you by the snow. Like he was sent to you to show you more forms of life than just the one you had known when you were a little smaller. And growing up he did, you grew to know what being in a thunderstorm felt like, what it felt like to walk through trees in a path far from home. You had explored and lived so many lives that when you grew up they just … went away.

Tears well in your eyes as you sit and stare at the snow. Where did the time go? Moments ago you were a child, playing and running around in the snow with Seungmin, and now you’re an adult watching as the pile of snow you were holding slowly melts away. It reminds you of your life, how Seungmin was your snow and you slowly let him melt away from you. Even when you promised you wouldn’t, that you swore you’d keep him for as long as he lived, you broke your promise, and lost that one reason why snow was so important to you. Maybe because of him, snow meant something to you, and now that he wasn’t here to experience it with you it almost felt like nothing. Exactly summed up how your life felt at the moment, like it didn’t mean much of anything anymore.

And then you remember it, and you can’t stop yourself from walking further down the street away from home. You begin to remember that small little opening that you met him in, how precious it was to you as you grew up. You were drawn to it, almost like it was calling you as you continued to trudge through the thick snow. You keep walking until you find that small clearing, and suddenly you’re a kid again, your eyes wide and curious as you cautiously make your way through it. The opening Is still the same as you had left it, and it was just as pretty covered in snow as you remembered. It was a space circled by trees, and it felt like entering another world when you feel the snowflakes falling atop of your head as you walk further.

You stand there for a moment, your eyes closed and your arms open as you try and feel how you once felt being in this hidden space. It felt magical, almost like your worries were lifted away the moment you had stepped in. When you open your eyes again you notice a small blur in the distance, the small little snowflakes covering your view. You squint and try to make out what it was, worried that it was some kind of animal and then you’d have to leave. You don’t walk towards it, you just stand there and try to think about what it could’ve been. If it were an animal it doesn’t seem to be worried too much about you, as it was facing away. You begin to cautiously approach, wondering if maybe it were a deer.

Your shoes feel heavy with snow as you make your way over, the snowfall starting to lighten up the closer you get to the figure. You wonder if approaching an animal like this was a good idea, but to be honest you wanted to have some kind of cool story to bring back to your parents when you got home, so you pushed on. You just only hoped that the animal was friendly or else you weren’t sure if you’d be able to outrun it in time if it weren’t. Your heart races in your chest, and your head throbs from the cold, but as you continue to approach, the figure comes more in view and you’re soon to realize that it was definitely more of a person than an animal. You assume some kid probably found it just as you had years ago, so you let out a breath of relief and decide to turn around when a glimpse of their wrist comes into view.

Your heart nearly stops when you realize that on their wrist, was the same bracelet that you had given Seungmin all those years ago. You stop immediately in your tracks, the once heavy snowfall now dissipating into a very light snowfall, allowing you to see a lot clearer now. As awkward as it should’ve been, your body fills with affection once you realize that even after a tough patch between you two he still chose to come here. He’s probably here for the same reason as you, to feel like you once did when you were both children. You want to say something to him, to immediately spring onto him and hug him while apologizing profusely. You notice that he was making a snowman, and you realize that he’s never honestly gotten better at making them.

You hug your arm, and without really knowing why you continue to approach him. You thought that maybe you’d have something to say to him once you gain the courage to speak up, but nothing comes to mind. You want to apologize, to cry into his shoulders and hold him close to you, but you’re afraid. Maybe that’s how he felt when he first saw you, afraid. You put yourself in his shoes, feeling how awkward he must’ve felt to see that someone other than him was out here. It almost felt the same, except he wasn’t just some guy you had never seen before. The thought of him doing the same thought process of how to approach you almost makes you giggle, and you stop when you’re finally fully behind him.

You think of the only way to approach him that you know how, and if it doesn’t work you’ve convinced yourself enough that it’d be okay to just walk away and pretend it never happened. So, without any more hesitation, you clear your throat and speak.

“That looks horrible.”

Seungmin stops his movements, stiff as if he had just been threatened for his life. It hasn't been that long since he’s seen you, has it? There’s no way he was starting to hear your voice out of nowhere. He had always felt like this place was magical, but he didn’t think it was ‘starting to hear your voice talk to him’ type magical. Then, for a moment he thinks everything over, and what if it really were you? He hasn’t seen you in so long that the thought of running into you nearly terrifies him. He felt like he didn’t have all his emotions together, and he worried that he’d ruin things if he said how he felt. He wants to see you again, to tell you that he loves you and that he’s sorry for leaving that day, but he’s afraid. He’s afraid he’d confess if he saw you again, that’s not what he wanted.

He holds in his breath, trying to rationalize that maybe it really wasn’t you. Maybe it was just some other person who also thinks that his snowman was really ugly. He braces himself, slowly turning to face the owner of the voice to see who it was.

His eyes widen when he sees that it really is you, and that it wasn’t the opening playing cruel tricks on him. You’re really standing in front of him, staring at him with apologetic eyes and still looking the same as ever. Things changed, but you certainly have not, and that's what Seungmin loves so much about you, that no matter how long he’s last seen you, you’ll always be the same.

The two of you don’t say anything for a while, and you wonder if you’ve made the right choice by even stepping outside at all. But you don’t let this deter you, as you peer over his shoulder, staring down at the pitiful looking snowman that he was building prior to your arrival. Maybe you can’t fix your friendship, but the least you could do was fix his snowman, right? So, without words you silently walk around him, squatting down once you’re in level to his snowman. And, without words you’re fixing his snowman back up for him. He’s always let you do this, and the distance that was put between the two of you won’t ever change that. He decided to join in as well, grabbing random piles of snow to add onto the sides of the poor snowman.

For a while, the two of you just sit like this, rebuilding his snowman like you always have since being with him. You’re sneaking glances at him while he works, and in turn he does the same, taking in the way you look while you focus on the snowman’s face. You’re turning his scowl into a small smile, and his pineneedle hair is put more into a mohawk, which makes Seungmin smile a bit. It takes a while, but after some careful consideration and silent building, it looks a lot better than it did prior to you coming here. The two of you stare at the completed snowman, satisfaction washing over the both of you the more you stare at it’s more completed look. Seungmin has always been bad at making snowmen, but that’s why he has you, right?

Seungmin figures that you won’t be around for long, so he doesn’t say anything to make it less painful for him. But then you find it in yourself to speak up.

“I’m sorry.”

He turns to you, a sad look on his face. “For what?”

You sigh, still unable to face him.

“I was so stupid. I let myself push you away over the fear of getting hurt.” You admit, turning to face him now. You both sit down on a small open patch of grass made by the amount of times the two of you have walked around in the snow after it melted.

“I was so afraid of just talking to you that I shut you out, and thought I could justify it by saying that we just needed a break. But I was so wrong.” You continue, a shy hand drawing circles in the snow.

“I’ve realized that I do want you around – that you were a huge part in my life that I selfishly took for granted.” You tell him, tears threatening to spill from your eyes again. You hated how a lack of communication made you drift so far apart from him.

“I was so scared of ruining our friendship because I knew I was in love with you. I thought that if I just played it off as strong fondness then it wouldn’t feel weird.” You say, now holding your face in your hands as you speak. The ground was starting to hurt now, but you felt as if you deserved it, that you deserved any pain you had caused him, even if it was small. You can’t even bring yourself to face him anymore, worried that if you saw his face you’d cry and then you wouldn’t make sense anymore.

Even after all this time he was still there to listen to you, and you hated it. What did you do to deserve someone like him?

“But then… you kissed me and I freaked out. I was reminded of all of my feelings that I tried so hard to keep down, and that’s when I knew I really was truly in love with you. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, so I hid, I hid like an idiot.” You say, your voice raising towards the last bit of the sentence at how upset you were with yourself.

You take in a deep inhale, “I figured that if I ignored you then.. You’d give up on me and then you wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.”

Seungmin felt his heart shatter at your words, and he hates that he didn’t try hard enough to talk to you then. He spent so much time thinking that you hated him that he didn’t consider reaching out to you and bothering you about it like he always had. In a way, he did give up, and the more he sits here the more he realizes that now. He should’ve kept trying, should’ve stayed that night and just told you how he felt. Have you always felt that way? Like if you’d stop talking to him that he’d just give up on you so easily? He felt like a child all over again, staring up at you as he found speaking to you about the way he felt so difficult. He hears you – he definitely does, but when he goes to speak he’s almost speechless, like he doesn’t know what to say. His mind is so jumbled and all over the place that he can’t find where to even start. He wants to tell you that he loves you, that he’s sorry for leaving you and for giving up when he should’ve tried harder.

He doesn’t respond for a little, and you’re worried that your confession may have made him uncomfortable. But, Seungmin has always had a hard time talking to you about how he feels, and you know that. And after all this time, it took you until now to realize that you’ve never really allowed him to speak his mind like you usually would. Normally you’d sit with him until he figured out his words, but you’ve been so wrapped up in your own feelings that you never once gave him the chance to gather his thoughts. Your thoughts are interrupted when you feel his hand touch yours, resting atop of yours as he holds it in his own. You break your eye contact with the snowman in front of you to glance at your hands intertwined with his. You stare at the bracelets that adorned both of your wrists, glad that you made it to where they’d be on the same side whenever you both held hands.

You give him time to speak, to rub your thumb over his hand to assure him, to let him know that you weren’t going anywhere. You feel him relax a bit and he sighs, turning back towards you and for the first time in awhile you’re staring at him again. His eyes are soft, and you can see everything he wants to tell you without him actually having to say it. You reach out to wipe away the tears that spring from the corners of his own eyes, your hand lingering on his face for a moment just to hold it in your hands again.

Seungmin loved you so much, and though he may not be able to fully express his words, he hoped that his actions explained how he felt about you. For all he’s known, it’s always been you, and that's something that’ll never change. Without any more thought he just grabs your face, pulling you towards him as his lips crash into yours.

“I love you.” He says between kisses, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

You’re taken aback, unable to get any words out from the endless amounts of kisses he’s planting onto your lips and face. You’re not able to keep up with his movements, but you kiss him back as much as you can. After he’s done showering you in kisses, he brings your lips to his for a longer and passionate kiss. You’re able to kiss him easier this way, and for a long time the two of you stay like that, engulfed in one another in a place that felt special for the both of you. The kiss was slow and full of love, like the two of you were trying to get all of your hidden emotions out. All those years of trying to hide how you felt, and those months of being away from him were all poured out as you kissed him. You held him close to you, afraid that he’d slip away from you if you loosened your grip on him.

All those fears and doubts washed away the moment he was in your arms, nights of being alone and wondering if he could ever love someone like you. He was the one to pull away first, breathing heavy as he stared at you. He’s waited so long to do this, and now that he was able to gain the confidence to do it, he didn’t think he could ever stop. He’s loved you for so long, and he wasn’t able to express those feelings for you until now, and on top of that you loved him too.

He was never going to let you go, because as long as you two wore those flimsy little bracelets on each other's wrists then he wasn’t going anywhere.

“You’re such a mess… but that’s why you were made for me.” He breathes out and you can’t help but smile.

“Good you found me when you did, hm?” You hum and he nods, leaning in to press another chaste kiss to your chapped lips. “There’s nobody else I’d want to stick around for, you’re the only person worth fighting for.” He mumbles against your lips.

You held him for a little, and though there were a lot of unspoken words, you still understood everything completely. You were truly home, right with who you should be with.

—

You can’t even remember the last time you’ve been in his house, but you know it’s been ages when the two of you clumsily step inside. When the cold had finally gotten worse you both decided to seek refuge at his place, especially since the two of you were going to be alone for a while. You both don’t waste any chance to let that opportunity slip away, immediately heading up to his room the second you both step inside. You don’t even really have time to take in everything that was nostalgic to you, because the moment the door is shut he’s on you, your body pressed against a wall by the door as he kisses you.

The kiss starts off sweet and gentle, but as time went on it grew more heated and a lot more rough than any of you two intended for it to be. It takes you back to the kiss you shared with him in that small closet, how sloppy and desperate it grew the longer you stayed pressed against his lips. His tongue forces its way into your mouth, and he’s giving you open mouthed kisses as his tongue dances around with yours. Your hands find their way into his head, tangling your fingers in the locks of his hair as you push him closer to you, until your noses are practically smushed into one another and your teeth are knocking into his with each kiss. His hands are wandering around your body, gripping your waist and lowering until he’s reached your ass, grabbing handfuls of it into his hands.

He subtly grinds you against him, and you nearly groan when you feel his hardon brushing against your thigh. You absentmindedly open your legs, angling yourself so that he could grind himself directly into your clit, and you can’t help the moans that escape your mouth when he does. He’s bucking his hips into you, his lips leaving yours to kiss on your neck, leaving a trail of love bites in his wake. To be honest, the two of you have never had sex before, so the thought of it scared you a little. So, you try and find contentment in just grinding yourself onto him until you cum, but you grow frustrated when you know your body craves a lot more than what was given to you. You’re unsure of how to ask him, how to tell him that you want him to fuck you so hard that you forget why you were even so afraid to ask in the first place.

You two were each other's first everything, first friend, first kiss, and now first time. It was surprising that after all these years Seungmin was about to be the one who was going to take your virginity. Your breath hitches when he kisses a sensitive spot on your neck and you whimper, starting to just throw your fears out the window.

“Do–you want to take this to my bed?” He mumbles into your ear, and you let out a breath of relief of knowing you didn’t have to be the first to ask. You nod, and he chuckles at your fast response.

He pulls away from you, your hand in his as he drags you towards his bed. He’s done this a million times before, but now it feels different. The same bed that held all of his past memories with you was about to be used to ruin you, and he honestly couldn’t wait any longer. When the two of you reach his bed, you’re the first to climb onto it, staring up at him with curious doe eyes as he climbs onto it after you. You open your arms to welcome him onto you and he happily accepts the invitation.

You two resume the kiss from before, except it’s a little more slowed down now, but it still holds the same desperation as before. He grins into the kiss, tugging your pants off without anymore hesitation, leaving you in your underwear now. He has a better access to you this way, curious hands making their way down to your clit, and you moan out when they finally attach themselves to where you wanted them . Your hands reclaim their place in his hair and his hands make their way back to your body. He hikes your leg up so that he has a better feel on your thighs, squeezing and massaging them in his hands.

He’s rubbing circles on your clit, swiping his fingers down to your entrance, groaning when he feels the wet patch that stains your underwear. He brings his fingers back up, pressing his fingers down on your clit and pulling away to hear every noise you make when he moves his fingers a little faster.

“Tell me.. How long have you been in love with me?” He murmurs into your ear, slowing his fingers down so that he could hear you through your cries.

“Forever, since – since we were kids-” You admit, because in all honesty you know you might’ve liked him since you were young.

Seungmin snickers at your response, “Silly thing, we were young, how could you have known you were in love with me?” He asks and you huff, was he really looking to go back and forth with you right now?

“I don’t have to be a certain age to know that I wanted you to be mine.” You say, pulling his head up so that he was staring at you. He held a smug grin on his face, giving a barely noticeable slap to your clit as appreciation to your answer.

“Good answer.” He says and you pout when he pulls away from you. You’re about to protest his loss of contact when you notice that he’s undressing himself now.

You sit up to watch as he tosses his shirt over his head, revealing his lean, beautiful body fully to you. You’ve seen him a million times, but seeing him like this makes your head dizzy and your body fill with need. When he hooks his fingers on the waistband of his pants – that’s when you really get excited, as you’ve been dreaming of knowing what he looked like underneath those layers of clothing. Just from grinding on him earlier, you knew he was big, and he definitely doesn’t disappoint when he finally takes everything off.

His cock is long and curvy, a prominent vein runs alongside it. The tip is red and leaking with precum, and you can feel yourself drooling at the sight. He grabs the base of his cock, jerking himself a bit to relieve the ache he had been feeling since he’s dragged you in here, letting out a breathy groan when he does so. When he diverts his attention back to you, he’s pressing you back against the bed, lifting your shirt over your head and unclasping your bra from your body, tossing them who knows where. His fingers tweak and pinch at your nipples, and he leans back down to press himself against you despite the barrier of clothing still in the way. He grinds himself against you, drops of precum staining your already wet underwear as his tip bumps against your clit, poking itself into your desperate hole. You shiver, your eyes nearly rolling back when he runs his length alongside your clit, causing you to buck your hips up every now and again.

His lips are attached to your nipples now, his tongue swirling along them as he sucks harshly. He’s great with his mouth you’ve come to realize, and the pleasure he’s making you feel just from the miniscule of things is insane to you. He pulls away from your nipples with a ‘pop’ and he drags his tongue down until he reaches your clit. You think that he’d remove the underwear by now, but instead he wraps his mouth around your clit and sucks on it through your underwear. You gasp, grabbing and reaching out for whatever you can hold onto while you basically fuck yourself on his tongue, his hands on your hips to keep you in place as you grind into it.

You swear you start to see stars, your hips starting to grow tired, but the way your orgasm builds up its hard to stop yourself from moving. Seungmin doesn’t let you stop either, deciding to help you out by using his hands to grind you against his tongue. Your eyes squeeze shut and you end up pulling harder on his hair without really meaning to, but when your orgasm washes over you, you can’t help but yank at it. He groans when you cum, your underwear was only getting filthier by the second and he loved it. As you try and come down from you high, Seungmin snaked his fingers on the band of your underwear, pulling it down and off of you, tossing it in the void of his room. He pressed his mouth against you, his tongue lapping up the mess you’ve made between your legs.

“A-ah, I’m sensitive-” You whine.

“I know.” Seungmin mumbles between darting his tongue between your folds to collect your cum and massaging it all over your clit.

You were breathless and he hasn’t even fucked you yet, you felt like your entire body was on fire. The noises you make are filthy and lewd as he works his tongue against you, and you’re worried you would’ve gotten too tired before he’s even got the chance to fuck you. You wonder if he’d fuck you anyway, if he’d just put you in any position and make you take it – you hope he does. You’re so lost in your thoughts that you don’t even realize that he’s hovering over you now, face inches away from yours. His face was flushed and he held a lustful gaze as he stared at you, but all of it only made him prettier than ever.

“You wanna know when I knew I loved you?” He asks, his touches soft, a lot more considerate and intimate now as he looks down on you.

You nod, “I do.”

He holds a serene grin on his face, his fingers making delicate touches alongside your thighs as if he were worried that if he were to apply any more pressure you’d break. Your breath hitches as his fingers dance alongside your skin, like they were trying to get used to you, their new home. He was studying each part that made you shiver and whine, every sensitive loving part. You swear you’ve stopped breathing when he traces a finger up your arm, dragging it until it reaches where your bracelet lays. He knows now that you like it when he touches you there, and he’d keep doing it forever just to hear how whiney you get. He keeps going until he hooks a finger underneath your bracelet, his free hand bringing your face back to face him.

“The moment you slipped this over my wrist, I knew you were mine.” He murmurs against your lips, and you can’t help the whine of his name that escapes your mouth as he holds your wrist down, bracelet tangled in his fingers.

“Really, when you think about it, you’ve always been mine, yeah? Ever since I’ve seen you.” He murmurs, and you nod, your bottom lip in your teeth.

He tugs at the bracelet, unlooping his fingers and going to hold your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours as he keeps your wrist held down. Seungmin presses a quick kiss to your lips, lining himself up to your entrance as you bend your knees, spreading your legs further to give him easier access to you. When he pulls away from your face, he searches in your eyes for a sign of discomfort, a sign that maybe you didn’t want to go this far. He knew that this would’ve been a first for the both of you, and he didn’t want to do anything that made you uncomfortable.

But you don’t, you only rub your thumb against his hand, assuring him that everything was okay, that you wanted to be here right now. When you give him your approval, he’s kissing you again, the kiss hungry and desperate, and then he finally pushes himself into you. The stretch makes you cringe away from him at how foreign it felt, and your body tenses up from how weird it felt. It stung a little, and you feel your toes curl at the sensation. He stops the kiss and stills his hips for a moment to allow himself to feel comfortable. To him, you felt amazing, your walls hugging him in ways he wouldn’t have ever imagined. Every rare solo session he’s had to himself has led him up to this, to knowing what you actually felt like wrapped around him. He felt your walls pulsate and clench around him, and he tries his best not to cum on the spot at how good you felt.

“You– feel so fucking good..” He nearly whines into your ear, his hands holding a tight grip on your hips.

Your heart is racing, and right now you just want to keep him here, to just feel him close to you and hold him in your arms. The room is silent besides the pants made by the two of you, and Seungmin could honestly just fall asleep like this if you hadn’t tapped him. He jolts up, staring down at you to confirm what he thinks the tap meant.

“Go on – if I’m yours, please make me feel like it.” You say, your tone sultry and soft like velvet.

Seungmin nearly burst at your words, but he quickly composes himself, planting his hands on the sides of you as he begins to thrust into you. You find purchase in the crook of his neck, soft moans and curse words falling from your lips as he gradually speeds up his pace. The bed was practically rocking from his thrusts and the room was quickly filled with the lewd wet sounds made by your cunt, added with the loud skin-slapping the two of you produced. For it to be his first time, he was fucking you into his mattress like he had something to prove, and practically he did. He was making up for all of the times he’s let you go on without telling you how much he’s loved you, for letting you sleep next to him without planting kisses on your face. This was for all the times he’s stopped himself from telling you how beautiful you were at times, how you made his heart race and his pants tight. He’s pouring all of his love into you, and he’s doing it in the best way possible.

His length kisses your g spot and it feels heavenly. Drool adorns the side of your mouth as the kiss between you two is finally broken, and when you get a good look at his fucked out face you can’t help but moan.

“Want to cum with you, can you do that for me?” He pants into your ear, and you frantically nod, grinding your hips up to meet each of his thrusts.

“I love you– I love you so fucking much, you don’t even know” He groans, his thrusts becoming sloppy and uncoordinated as he began to chase his own high, the knot in your stomach building each time he fucks into you.

“I love you so much Seungmin, Always– always knew you were meant for me, always have been yours,” You moan back, your eyes squeezing shut as your head gets pushed further into the headboard of his bed.

With a final thrust, he’s cumming deep inside of you, his hips slamming into you as he empties every last drop of himself into your cunt. In return, you cum around him, your walls squeezing and keeping him close to you as you do so. The feeling is so strong you start to see specks of white when you squeeze your eyes shut and you've drawn blood when you scratched him a few moments ago. The two of you stay like that for a moment, panting and trying to come down from each other's highs. You feel like you’re floating and you feel at peace once you do calm down. Seungmin doesn’t pull out of you, instead he just flops on top of you, and you wrap your arms tight around him as you hold him close to you.

You both stay like that, finding home in each other's embrace once again.

—

It’s been a few weeks since the two of you have decided to make things official, and in that timeframe you’ve both decided to reignite the flames of your childhood before the two of you were off for college again.

The time spent was nice and refreshing, and though you’ve been away for some time, you can still never get over the feeling that doing fun things with him brings you. You feel younger again, like you’re still that version of your child self running around and doing things until the sun sets. Nothing ever really changed, and for that you’re so grateful to be able to do the things you loved to do since you were a child.

In those past weeks, no stone was unturned and no place was unvisited, and you feel alive again. You’re happy because though you’re home, your real home was right beside you the whole way and you were never going to lose him again. When the holidays came around, you spent the entire day hanging out at your house and his, and when the day was over you two were back at it again. Though it was tiring, nothing could ever make you hate feeling this way again, you’d do it for years if you could.

When the time came for the two of you to go back off to college, Seungmin decided to surprise you with a trip to the field you both discovered years ago, the one with the lush grass and soothing atmosphere. It was night time and it was a little chilly out due to the fact that it was still winter time, and the snow was long gone by now, but the ground was still cold to the touch. Still, despite the weather, you both laid out in the grass and stared out into the starry night sky. Your hand was in his and you listened as he told you his plans when you two were back in the city. You close your eyes and allow the cool night breeze to pass your face, and you huddle closer to Seungmin when it grows a little too cold.

No matter how long you’ve been away, this field will always be special to you. It will always hold those special memories with Seungmin that you’ll always keep with you. It will always hold your laughter, your tears and now it will hold kisses stolen between the two of you. You hope that you’ll always have this field, even when you grow old and you’re no longer here anymore. Maybe this field would be the home for someone else, a place for another pair of people to plant new memories on while yours get carried away gently by the wind. Until that does come, you’ll come running back to this field with Seungmin for as long as time allows. You’ll continue to fill this field with memories and dreams until you no longer can anymore, and you hope that the next couple will come and fill this field with the same love that you had.

You’ll always love this place, and no matter how far you are you’ll always come running back to it.

When you get too lost in your thoughts, Seungmin gently pulls you out of them by tapping you on your shoulder to which you respond with a jolt.

“Sorry, I wanted to make sure you were alright.” He says and you nod, a sheepish grin on your face when you realized you lost wind of what he was telling you ages ago.

“Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking.” You admit, and he sits up, prompting you to do the same. You notice a concerned look on his face and you immediately wave it off. “Oh! No, it wasn’t anything horrible. I promise.” You assure, and you see waves of relief wash over him.

He brings your hand up to his, kissing it gently, “What were you thinking of?”

You grin, “You.”

A light blush takes over his face, and for a moment he’s a little flustered. “What about mee?” He asks, momentarily tickling you in hopes you’d tell him. You thrash around in a fit of giggles, “I’ll tell you! I’ll tell you! Just stop!” You plead, and he stops once he hears that you’ll tell him.

“I just… I just wanted to say thank you.” You begin, and he tilts his head in slight confusion. “Thank me?”

You nod, “Thank you for being there for me, for helping me grow and for not letting go of me.” You say and he falls silent, his face a little more red now.

“You’ve made me feel so loved from growing up until now, and I don’t think I can thank you enough. With each day passing, I know for sure you’re the one I want to spend my entire life with, no doubt.”

Seungmin’s at a loss for words, unable to find any words to say. You chuckle and plant a kiss on his cheek, giving him a sweet smile. To let him know that you knew exactly what he wanted to say, even if he couldn’t find the words for it.

“Thank you for being my home, for loving me, and for showing me what it means to really be alive.”

With that, you press a kiss to his lips, and he accepts it without hesitation. The kiss is sweet and full of pure love, and it’s easy to get lost in him when it’s like this. When you pull away you stare into his eyes, and they hold the same shine as the stars do when you look at him.

Love is scary, and uncertain, but one thing you do know for certain is that you love him, and you’re going to love him forever.

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