steamofunconsciousness

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I've suppressed so much of myself in the pursuit of finances/financial freedom. It works, it just isn't the most pleasant.

So, it is a sort of self sacrifice.

But my soul yearns to be me and true to me.

I miss art, and painting in particular. Photography, making music.

I miss (romantic) love. And romance. But like they really don't have a place right now.

The things I desire and want, my goals, require this sacrifice for now.

It makes the time much more savory.

The conflict is: in not a future person, I'm a now person. I prefer to meditate and be and live consciously and mindfully, living presently and doing whatever I want whenever I want.

But, when you have goals that are out of reach (which you ought), you have to put that stuff to the side, for a time.

Especially coming from where and what I've come from and through. I look at my siblings, everyone else went the family route. So I have to not go that route, as it so happens that route hasn't worked for me anyway. But this one has worked. Working hard, long hours, and stacking grips. Making things happen. I've traveled all over, I get paid to travel. I don't even have a permanent residence because I travel so much & so often. I own/manage a property, and have a separate career. Like on paper I look really good now. But I don't feel that just yet. Because, I would rather be out there on my property, reading books and writing songs and stuff. And not participating in the rat race. But, ten year plan, you know? Down the line, I'll be able to do everything I want the way I want to do it. Unbothered, and financially free. But for now, I have to keep grinding. I wanna make sure my energy is good and clear and clean. Because one day I wanna get married and have biological offspring. But that's like... it's looking like that'll have to happen in my 40s. I never wanted to be an older parent, but generational curses and grander purposes beckon otherwise. . .

Still, in the present, there is a lot of loneliness, and general imbalance of satisfaction. And because of that my confidence & self esteem waver. Even though I'm successful by most definitions. I tell myself what I've accomplished, what I "own", and have acquired. But like I dunno it just doesn't do much. If I wanted praise and clout, and to appeal to superficial people or try to pick up women superficially it would probably work great. But that just doesn't appeal. I'd much rather be single and alone than to have a body/bodies that don't actually mean anything or contribute much to anything going on in my life. I dunno. Sex isn't all that important anymore.

Winning is like sex for me. Whenever I win, I get a non sexual orgasm. And I always win fortunately. Thanks and praise to The Most High.

But winning isn't... enough I guess? Because it's not necessarily my standards that I'm winning in. I'm still a cog. Still a slave. I'm just a moderately wealthy slave. . .

The matrix is... incredibly deep and complex.

#thinking #personal #feelz #mine #adulting #goals #reality #happiness #joy #success

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“If I love you I have to make you conscious of the things that you don’t see.” - James Baldwin

Ferguson October

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Art by Maheen

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🎀 𖧷 💕

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Elated Meditation Stream of Consciousness:

If I can't have love, if i can't have the sex that you have when you're in love.

Then I don't wanna have a normal meaningless sexual relationship. I want to just wait and delay it until we've met our limits of self denial and break and just consume each other's entire sexual appetite.

I think that's why I get weird about sex now. Meaningless sex just doesn't make me feel good. It's a waste of orgasm haha.

I guess, after discovering my D power, it's just not something I play with. I'm not interested in it anymore. Turning women out isn't fun anymore. And I'm not remotely interested in men.

I've proved my point to myself, i know sex isn't just something to get off with. So I've lost interest in being reckless about it.

So, that's all to say i finally understand how i can casually date women: don't have sex with them, until we've met our absolute breaking points. Then I'll enjoy it, at least moderately. And i won't feel as bad about it, because mathematically, that was the next progression/statistic. If i deny myself 10/10 times, then the 11th time I will break. So to speak. I can't be mad at myself for that. I will push to deny myself more and meet my next boundary. And then push further than that until I don't break anymore.

That's like all I can do in life. Just work to be better. Every mistake I make. Or accident. Or breaking point. Learn from and make it right if I can. Or make it better, if I can't make it right.

And i mean I learned through abstinence, so sex is the subject I used for my example. But it applies pretty much everywhere.

Recognize your own boundaries and limits. Listen to your body's communications. And reciprocate in turn.

Hunger

Sleep

Thirst

Rest

Hormones

They're less emotions, and more like functions of the body. Like your check engine light coming on, or your gas tank alert in your vehicle. Preventative maintenance promotes proactivity and prolonged performance.

Which seems like it is common sense; but our common sense has been hijacked by soul / spirit terrorists aka demons.

We think of possession like in the movies but look at how you live when you're 'asleep' and how you live when you're 'woke'; tell me that isn't being possessed. We spend so much of our lives listening to and believing other people's bullshit versions of what life is or is supposed to be.

But like, God is alive and real, and you can pretty much just ask God. The only thing about that is: when you're conditioned into the mentality of your possessed mind, it becomes difficult to accept. And even more difficult to apply and live.

I'm reaching such a level of freedom and consciousness, that it is really really difficult to do this 9-5 b.s. but I've not met anyone really on the same vibration I'm on. I had met 1 person, she was amazing. And she went off the damn grid. So she was vibrating higher than I was. I'm on the level of thinking about it. She was on the make it happen level. I'm stepping into the make it happen level. I already deactivated my FB. I still have tumblr, twitter, IG, and snap. But i don't really use those for much except like posting stuff when I'm bored high drunk or vibing out. Except tumblr. I'm fairly active on tumblr these days because it's essentially the better version of all of those because for the most part I'm anonymous, and can post without my mama texting or calling to ask me questions about wtf I'm doing with my life. 😂😂😂😂

And I'm finally in my own space again, so I really don't need or want other people's energy trying to control or influence mine. Especially if you aren't in my face. If anything I've said or done really offended you that much, or made you feel something to that degree, come over and let's talk about it in real life as real people.

I'm tired of these plastic interactions, man. I'm tired of reacting a certain way because it is 'normal' or expected. If you come over and I feel like yelling randomly I wanna be able to do that and you just understand I'm being me. And you react however you feel like if it is really how you feel. Like if you wanna join in. If you wanna say shut the fuck up. If you wanna leave. Whatever I just want you to do it and be it 100% that's the vibe I'm on. Like I'm so tired of playing things nice because that was the indoctrination of how I should be. But I'm not nice. I'm real. That's that. I'm kind sometimes. I'm nice sometimes. I strive to always be grateful. And I strive to always be better. But I have to define that better for myself, because this is my life and just because i listen to someone else's explanation of 'normal' doesn't make it right, or make it right for me, or make me right for it or doing it. Like there's so much to life, and for some reason we thought listening to other people's ideas was the truth. It isn't. Haha none of these people are correct. Or even right. Like we'd be better off as cavemen than we are today. We use everything wrong. The internet could be amazing! Streets and vehicles could be amazing. But they aren't. They're rather frightening and dangerous places to be. . .

Anyway I'm tired if typing for now...

Perhaps I'll feel like doing this again.

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Hey tumblr, my sister and niece are victims of a shooting that happened monday evening. If you have the means to please donate, and please share this.

My niece was hit by 2 of the bullets (one in her leg, the other bounced around from her lung and stopped in her shoulder.), she was life flown to an emergency room and has been in the ICU since. Her condition is stable, thank God. She's 15 years old & is a good kid. Please if you have the heart and means to help my family out.

My sister was hit in the foot, and as soon as she was cleared from the ER, she left to go be with her daughter. I know 2020 hasn't been very nice to many of us, but if you can spare compassion and kindness, my family really needs it.

Thank you

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RIP Chadwick Boseman. A video of him speaking about communicating with kids who had cancer. Unknown to the public, he was already battling his fight with cancer.

You were a rising star! This generations league of great Black Actors! You had so much ahead of you! And I appreciate all you have done for cinema! I hope your family finds peace and consolation. You will never be forgotten.

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Tips That Can Save Your Kid’s Life.

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‘now_watch_this_drive’

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Seriously guys, don't forget about Net Neutrality

They ignored millions of comments in favor of NN in July. They’ll happily ignore them again if we don’t keep bombing them with protests over the next couple weeks leading to the vote. They’ll only care if we make them care.

Contact your representatives. Contact Congress. Use all the online resources people have been suggesting - including those of you outside the US. Keep reblogging, retweeting, and making your own posts. Keep this trending and spread the word. Even now, there are people who don’t know and don’t understand what’s going on.

Repealing NN means people will lose their jobs. Repealing NN means fandoms will die. Repealing NN will mean higher costs for education and healthcare (they need internet access, too, and will bill WE THE PEOPLE for it). Repealing NN means losing your favorite websites that can’t pay the millions needed to convince ISPs not to block their websites entirely. Repealing NN means slower internet access on top of all that unless you’re willing to pay more. There is no benefit to this unless you’re the ones making billions off axing the internet.

Keep protesting.

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