steady-decline

[steady-decline]

the joke is that i took benadryl to soothe my hyper sensitive skin and instead it just makes me Normal

[steady-decline]

oh, my god i haven't posted on here in lit-chral ages holy cow holy cow it's been MONTHS anyways i'm doing my best

dream log so that i don't lose it in my messages with jo - i had a dream that me, jo, caro, and paul were ate a computer programming convention at a mall and i had to pick out my favorite programming language and i won assorted raw meats and cheeses at a raffle then i was making up a math quiz and i could pick which question i wanted to answer from a box of magazines and articles and you pass the quiz by correctly answering the question on the bookmarked pages

and then when you turn in your quiz and pass ou get to have a homemade meal of your choice and all the math teachers were chefs. i picked chicken i think? also the math question i got was in a fashion magazine, and it was explaining a specific type of math function as an analogy for a family with parents who had been married before and an adopted child. and the question was to create your own analogy to describe (insert math function here)??? idk why i picked it but i guess the example was so good that it made me understand the question so i was able to answer properly even tho i didn't study

then we were looking for a bar in the mall to et drinks at the end of the night and this place was called 'font'. the mall was huge and we walked down the most disgusting staircase i had ever seen like it had weird recessed lighting in the top of each step and there were dead cockroaches and mice and rats and trash everywhere

and we came across a store that used to be my chemical romance themed and it was a coffee shop now and the guy working saw i was walking around with a cream puff? dessert? and he said he had this perfect orange frog candy to complement it and he was gonna get me one but i forgot and we moved on. we kept getting lost but eventually found the store in the outside portion of the mall and it deadass looked like a clothing store but surreal and everyone inside was distorted and moving in slow motion and for some reason i knew that we had to go inside a giant mirror on the wall and it opened up to a dressing room and we had to go into that mirror as well by opening it like a door

we went inside and it was like a forest meadow but nighttime and there were people in random clumps everywhere dressed like faeries and bards and there was a counter to the immediate left but everyone was silent when we walked in and it was kinda creepy

we picked a corner and sat down on some rocks and these two ladies whose faces were painted to camouflage into the rock wall behind us started whispering to us and i was like wtf but this guy came around to stamp our hands with an ink that glows under blue light and we were supposed to get the stamp at the door but we just walked right in. he explained that every spot to hang out had hidden interactions and you had to solve the riddle by talking to the people and this specific one you had to solve by getting them to talk about love. so now we had our stamps and we could go to the bar for drinks and the guy who was gonna get me the orange flavored frog was there and he was like oh! you're here! i can give you the frog. it's so good! and i was confused bc i was like he followed us??? but he just works here and was changing shifts

and then i had a different dream where i was attending a luna li concert in a target parking lot and i was an honorary tour member bc i helped them troubleshoot their sound check. and then they had an opening act that didn't get to sound check and it was a mess but it only took like 15 minutes to fix vs the time i had to help it was a bigger problem that took like 45 minutes to fix. and her fanbase was trying to recruit me as an admin member.

woooo i did it! i'll have to do a bout of transferring my email drafts here so i can delete my 90 drafts RIP

in other other news my eyesight got worse and i'm so excited to get glasses that actually work... who was going to tell me that you're not supposed to squint to read the letters when you go to the eye doctor... bruh...

[steady-decline]

Dream log house tour but it's Ns house tour. I had a dream that we were looking to rent or buy a house? And there were like, postings on insta reels or something like I get occasionally that advertise houses for sale in my area. And there was this beautiful modern looking home, a very Korean modern looking home tbh kinda hyori home stay style. It was actually two houses on the lot and the buildings looked like nice Korean cafes with giant patios and large stone driveway that both houses shared. Big garage and multiple stories AND basement. It was in Buena park tho, and the downside was that it was near Knotts but not like, immediately next to it. There was this one ride idk if it was like a big ferris wheel car or like that spinning view tower but it could see straight over the house but it wasn't necessarily near the park, the house was up against a giant parking lot that was for the park. So we went in to check it out and the first thing we checked out was the basement, which was a gigantic open concept den with recessed cubic shelving framing a gigantic TV setup. Whole thing was huge and it was the appeal of the house, decorated kinda like ceo minhyuks secret gaming lair in strong woman do bongsoon. And I was like wow this is incredible the people who live here must be so cool. And also we had just walked in? The door was unlocked bc the video we watched said it was an open viewing for people to come and go as they pleased. Then we went upstairs to the 2nd floor? We skipped the 1st floor which was the kitchen, living room, laundry, garage etc. But the 2nd floor we went straight to a kids room? And there was a young Asian caretaker in there and she was encouraging us to look around even though she was working putting away laundry and cleaning up toys. This room had a big window that could see the ride from the park. We spent some time in this room but idk why? It was pretty big. And then when we went out to the hallway, scout was there next to an open lounge area and she recognized me? She was much browner than she usually is but it was scout for sure. I gave her a big ol hug and that's when I realized that this was Lauren's family's house? After I realized that I was super comfortable just walking around the house. Her parents came out and told us to check out all the rooms so we started at the opposite end of the hall and worked our way back, there was a small room that I was like, oh this is a me sized room, and then an even smaller room with a slanted ceiling and that was a me sized room. Scout came in too but for a split second she turned unto the puppy version of herself and I thought I was going crazy but! There was a cat in there that looked more like bean or kyo and I think it was supposed to be ranger and she bolted out the room and we kept looking through the rooms while ns parents went to find the cat in the house. We saw Sean's room which was a normal, very plain room, and then we went to a big ass room like probably should have been the master bedroom. And a giant slightly slanted ceiling and a big ass window with a nice view, and the room was overly decorated but still inherently Lauren. And then the baby caretaker lady came in with ns parents and they were trying to catch the cat to give her medicine to no avail, so I went out to the hallway to get her and I was able to approach her and grab her and she let me! I brought her back to the room and they gave her her meds. When we left the house I realized the patio had like, nice restaurant Cafe furniture? So maybe it was one of those houses where you live above the Cafe or restaurant.

[steady-decline]

In true me fashion, juxtaposing the end of my last post with a heartfelt notion:

Sometimes, cooking is a love letter to myself. Comfort food is comforting for a reason, and cooking will carry me to the ends of the earth. Or in the worst case scenario, will carry my weary body into the next day. The trying times are inevitable and days like these have hands like no other. I'm no stranger to emotional whiplash and new experiences can be good as much as bad but I don't think I was prepared for emotional exhaustion this grand. The constant wave of tension and anxiety in my body holds me hostage at night, and in the morning I feel like I've braved a storm that I'm still afraid of. Like I survived, but at what cost.

But as much as the bad days are bad, the good days are good. And the me on those good days is a better version of the me that stands before you today. The me last Saturday decided it was time to make some adobo, and not just any adobo, but the adobong puti that I had been craving for weeks. The delay lies in the fact that until that day, I had never made it before.

Applicable to most aspects of my life, the fear of failing keeps me just out of arms reach of things I could have very easily accomplished. But with a little trust in my ancestors (and a lot of trust in my mom) I put everything in the pot and said a little prayer. Cooked something else to distract me. And I let it do it's thing.

It turned out. My grandma must have been watching that pot or something because it's good. There's room for improvement (there always is) but for a first attempt, that's about as good as it gets. I had a small bowl of it, put the leftovers away, and I was happy.

Cut to the me of today, fresh from a two hour post work sobbing session, tummy empty after having skipped both lunch and breakfast, feeling like a shell of a person. With a little mental coaxing I made it downstairs to scrounge for sustinence, and lo and behold. Leftover adobo, complete with just enough leftover rice for one meal. A little microwave magic, a little kimchi on the side, and some calamansi juice and it's time to eat. Me, and the bowl of food I made for myself. Out of love, out of care, even though the me of Saturday did not anticipate the arrival of the me of today. Saturday me put her love into a little pot on the stove, and today me eats well.

The flavors of adobo are almost always better after being reheated, and I'll stand by that every time. Today is no different. Even though I beat myself up through the week for every time I fall short, the me from Saturday doesn't care! She knows good food can help a bad day. And if we're blessed with a deficit of bad days, then good food can make a good day better. With this bowl of food, I'll carry myself into tomorrow. I'll try again. And maybe, tomorrow, I'll make something else.

I tried to get off to relax my body before bed and ended up with a ripping headache instead lolol doing great

living in the constant whiplash of being exhausted and in fear of losing my job and still actively doing my job and i am tired. it's a different kind of exhaustion than at my last job, bc i was hating getting up to go to work every day before, and i was doing so much goddamn work. here, i'm doing less and i can still enjoy my actual job and do it well but the drama surrounding it is making me want to just scream??????? like????

[steady-decline]

sometimes i love something so much and my heart just hurts. i love when people are happy, truly happy. it makes me happy even if it’s not my own happiness

i don’t remember exactly what that post was about but i think it was txt related oh it was the soogyu concert post where they’re just smiling and so happy

i said i was gonna sleep earlier when i had gin with my koolaid lol it’s not a euphemism i literally poured like two shots of gin into my glass of koolaid with dinner and then got real sleepy and then proceeded to do two rows of my gigantic crochet rug lol tbh i just wanna keep crocheting but i NEED to sleep lol YIKES like it’s bad for me babes

also i’ve switched to opera and i’m using the updated tumblr xkit and it’s pretty good so far both the extension and opera in general like i’m into it, i might switch to it on my pc as well

sitting in the wonderful stagnancy of both an edible and some benadryl and i have actually shrunk 2 inches smaller than my own skin inside my body

take two is stuck in my head and i can’t crochet bc i need to let my nails dry big sad big big sad

when do people find the motivation to eat. is it before or after the intrusive thoughts of self harm or am i just overreacting

[steady-decline]

i haven’t had grapes in a long time. huh.

i just watched return to seoul, a french/korean film about a young woman and her journey of growth and self acceptance as she makes contact with her biological parents. it’s somber and poignant and i didn’t cry bc she doesn’t for most of the movie, you just watch her feel so complex about the whole circumstance and it’s very intimate and sad

anyways. i wonder if could ever write a book about the disconnection of growing up first generation and losing your culture. it’s hard to think and talk about a lot and it’s a very difficult combination of emotions to feel, this connection to something and someones somewhere else, part of you and apart from you always

i’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, wondering how people perceive me when i’m gone. whether it’s people i used to know, or people i see sparingly. what their idea of me is in their head. if i seem as sad as i feel sometimes

life is stressful in its own ways right now. i don’t cry as often as i used to, i don’t think. you’d think by now i’d recognize that the stress only shifts within your life, it never disappears. i’m still clinging to the happy moments. still rolling with the punches as they come. if i eat a meal, it’s a good day. if i talk to my sister, it’s a good day. i go to work, do my best, and then go home and do my best.

i think i’m finally starting to reach beyond the idea that i’m not an interesting person. i’ve always felt profoundly boring in most aspects of my life, which is partly why i hate meeting people, having to introduce myself into someone else’s world and decide what kind of person i want to be in their life. i never feel like i have much to share, or i guess much of myself that i want to share anyways. i wonder if its a byproduct of growing up independent, doing things primarily for myself. there’s hardly a need or a want to share the parts of myself that people don’t see. i think i’m very good at spending time with people in the way i want to be seen. i think taking myself out of a digital persona, away from the eyes of people who no longer get to know me, has manifested an awareness of self perception in a different light. i think i am very intentional with the way i interact with others and present myself. but i don’t think i’m boring anymore. i have a lot of experiences, anecdotes, places i’ve been, stories to tell that i need to work harder in not trivializing. i often think of my experiences as less than others simply because they don’t look like other people’s experiences, but that doesn’t make them any less. it also doesn’t make me any less curious about what people think of me when i’m not in the room, if at all.

if i am no longer in your life, do you think of me fondly? do you think of me at all?

when i am no longer here, will i have been enough? will i have done enough for you in this lifetime for you to love me when i’m gone?

i think. i am just a simple person burdened with the curse of complex thought. i think maybe i’m here in this lifetime to do my best for the people i meet. i think that if i can be a good memory, even in passing, even as i leave and especially while i’m here, i will have done enough.

somewhere along the way i’ve lost the end game. i know it’s good to have lofty goals and bigger dreams, but time has taught me to stay in it now. if i look too far ahead i can’t see myself there, but if i look behind me i can see how far i’ve come and the versions of me i’ve left behind. for a while i thought it was because i wasn’t meant to be here for much longer, that i couldn’t see myself growing older. but i think the me ten years from now is doing the same, looking back at the me that is here. wondering when i’ll catch up. knowing i’ll get there eventually. hoping that i find the checkpoints along the way to make it to the next station. i wonder if i’m doing the right things to get there. i wonder if i’m doing what people expected of me. i wonder if it matters that i’m probably not doing anything that people expect of me. i hope they can see my intentions instead. i hope that they an believe i’m doing my best, for myself. even when I make the wrong decisions. even when I fail.

i need to go to the beach. these are beachside thoughts lol i have no business having this conversation without my therapist (the ocean) present

[steady-decline]

intermish

intermission from posting all of the drafts in my email that i write at work. spent the weekend as a hermit at home and got to finally fucking sleep a little and cuddle with my cat

she’s such a lil bitch but i love her stinky ass my lil baby

it’s also not hot but not cold out??? i’m sitting at my computer and sweating while watching youtube videos. i need hsr to update so bad bc i’m just grinding for ascension materials rn since i finally got to trailblaze level 51 :))) did my healer first, then jing yuan. working on stelle and then yanqing. i don’t think i’m strong enough to try world 6 again in simulated universe, but i might once i get everyone to 70

dream log really fucked up sleeping schedule edition

i got home from work last night around 7:30, clocked out, played hsr for like half an hour and decided to lie down after a bit bc i was so tired on the drive home? turns out i passed out until 12:30am and completely disoriented myself so i got up and fed my cat and ate dinner and then went back to sleep around 3:45

anyways dream log, i moved into an apartment that was a really weird layout bc it was more like a commune? or a hostel? i guess? the kitchen was its own room and my mom came to visit and wanted to help me cook hamburgers for dinner (i wanted hot dogs) and she was worried something was weird with the burger patties. and then my sister and her husband came and my room was somehow separate from the common area but there was a couple that had their room behind a shelf partition next to the dining area, kind of how a studio apartment would be? they somehow knew my sister so when they came over i made sure they said hi. my sister had 4 rings on her finger ???? from like the proposal, wedding,and other things??? they were very fine and dainty and she let me try them on and i was afraid of breaking them. also i was wearing rings too, i think around 4 as well and they were made out of old keychains i was gifted from N and also past shows i’ve done??? weird concept

another dream i think? where hsr starts as a chibi platformer that you can like, charge your jump but it launches you so far into the air that you kinda just have to hope you don’t miss a platform when you land. and depending how much you charge the jump you can find secrets and hidden rooms and stuff. once i completed the first level after dying a ton i think i was in the 3d world? it was kind of like the singapore streets or the vegas strip where everything feels really on top of each other and condensed. i think i was with caro and we were wandering around food stalls getting stuff for breakfast or brunch or something and we ended up on the terrace of some building. some lady asked us where to get coffee and we like, pointed to the rooftop of a building around the way and said there was good coffee there, or she could go to one of the hotels and get coffee there too. idk if this was the same dream but it was nighttime and i was walking to an event?? on the plaza??? and there were a ton of people and i wasn’t working i don’t think. but i think jo or someone i knew pulled up and had their grandpa? dad? with them in a wheelchair that kinda felt like gurney and i helped them out of their car in the drop off zone and let them enjoy the show. then they asked where the nearest hotel was so they could rest so i walked them over to a nice place but i was barefoot? like properly clothed for outside but i remember walking into the lobby and being barefoot on the cold marble floors. they got a room reserved and checked in and then asked me where they could get OJ and i pointed them to a corner of the lobby that was like a drink bar with dispensers for water, coffee, oj and apple juice but the apple juice had apple cubes in it idk

#dream log

[steady-decline]

3/16

here early as balls today but i got breakfast and answered an email :))))))) i'm so tired

i made the most incredible malatang last night and i wrote down the recipe per jo's request and i used the leftover broth to make rice porridge for lunch today

i need to stop slouching at work lol i could fall asleep at my desk

picked up my mister again and it's 500 percent going to make me cry i know it. ugh i love iu and watching her in somber roles makes me wanna sob, my introvert sympathy is tingling

NE WAYS i had a thought last night about something - like, if i had a kid i would name them ___ ?????? what was it? what was the name???? ughghgh i'm gonna remember it three weeks from now at 4am bet

i had coffee which was a mistake but here i am, vibrating :))) getting stuff done and i'm out of here before 4 but i can't forget to take a break within the next hour or i'll get in trouble lol AAAAAAAAAAAAH I'M gonna die today i can't wait to go home and pass tf out under my lil moon lamp i love it so much

todays intrusive thought is that wouldn't it be super cool to get an autopsy while you're alive??? like if someone could look into me in the most literal sense and be like 'wow this shit is fucked up' that would be wildly funny

[steady-decline]

3/14

sleepy sleepy today but today is an easy day, catching up on settlements and advancing the rest of the months shows

watching living alone and cooking vlogs is really relaxing sometimes??? idk part of me wants to start doing it and part of me feels really silly to start doing it but eh

it would be fun tho, to stage some dramatic shots of my plain ass house and romanticize my life a little. i need to make adobo with the pork butt in the freezer, and i want to make miswa maybe bc i've been coughing a little today and it's supposed to rain. i could also try making sinigang but i'm a PUSSY and i also bought ingredients for malatang bc apparently my hunger was in fact, not quenched :))))) but oh my god i got a color changing salt lamp and the moon lamp last night and the moon lamp is amazing at night! i did end up turning it off when i went to bed but my god i loved it, having it on while hanging out at night. it fills up my ceiling provides ambient vibes but doesn't blast the room with tons of light. i even dimmed it bc it's really bright at night. i slept with the salt lamp on and it's so pretty on my desk TT TT i was a bit nervous at first bc there's no control on it and it's constantly color changing but ugh i actually kinda love it, and it matches the RGB of the rest of my computer accessories really well so the vibe is cohesive

I need to put my solar panel lights in my window asap al;fdasfjjljksjfd anyways i just took allergy meds and i brought pan de sal and a cup of lucky me bulalo to work bc i need to bring food to work since i spent hella money on groceries this past week RIP

gotta document what i have going for me in the fridge: i have 1.5 trays of shrimp left which should make at least 3 meals of scrambled eggs and shrimp. i have pork belly, 1lb pork butt, longanisa, and filipino hot dogs in the freezer that i have to work through as well

caro bought me 2 packs of soondubu mix so i can make that too! i have tamales to take for lunch and just bought chinese broccoli and king oyster mushrooms. those can be good in stew or honestly they're best just grilled in a pan of pork belly fat lololol oh i got 2 trays of beef in the freezer for malatang and also some fish balls but since they're frozen they're not as important to get through. there's also a thing of firm tofu that i think will go bad soon so i should check it. but i can make miswa and/or malatang tonight, depending on my mood when i get home. it's not even noon and i'm waiting for my allergy meds to kick in

now that i've eaten lunch, the bennys has arrived. WOOOOOO but also this is always the case. at least i'm not actively trying to rip my hands apart rn so i'll take it

i wonder if i should just cook the hot dogs and longanisa and use it to meal prep for the week? i like that things last longer in the freezer but when they're in there i'm infinitely less likely to reach for them sometimes bc they won't go bad? but if i cook them, i'll eat them and i'll have things to eat for lunch and dinner. i should just pick one at a time tho so it's not overwhelming and it doesn't crowd the fridge. i could also just cook up the adobo and be on my way. if i make it tonight and just leave it stewing on the stove we can have it for the rest of the week, which would be good. but then i would make the chinese broccoli into a side dish, i could probably get away with using half of it as a side and half for malatang

[steady-decline]

3/12

i'm on a 12 hour shift and i'm craving malatang and i didn't eat this morning nor did i bring any semblance of food with me to work today so we're just doing grand

i can either fast food it up and drive thru on my lunch break in a few hours or i can order for pickup and have malatang now?ish? maybe? depending on if i'm brave enough to go a little farther away to a new location and pick up food

or i can default to mitsuwa and get whatever sounds good. if they have spicy tofu crystal noodles it may quell my cravings but also i could like go full out and actually pick some up after work maybe if these places i looked at are open until 2am like they say

craving quenched

subject is 8 movies to introduce yourself and my list is: amelie, submarine, secretly greatly, metropolis, sympathy for lady vengeance, what a girl wants, wanted, and  charlie's angels

of course suddenly i couldn't remember a single movie i watched and enjoyed but on this intro 8 (i only did 6) here are some quotes to introduce myself (quotes not by me, but resonate with me on a molecular level):

1. I am the worst version of myself in the entire multi verse

2. Do you really want to live with the burden of perceiving me?

3. At times, misery and fortune come with the same face, and I still have a hard time distinguishing the two.

4. I'd tell you that I liked you. And then I'd become cosmic dust. The end.

5. model through it

6. what do you MEAN what do you mean

While i'm cruising my journal for quotes that resonate deeply with me i am delightfully surprised to mostly find unhinged out of pocket quotes from smut fics for the most part

also not my boss being grateful for me and me being the unhinged gremlin that i am, crocheting at my desk and literally binge watching little women over the course of 3 work days in the middle of moving and simultaneously regurgitating the entire show to josie every night

[steady-decline]

3/7 kdrama master list

adfaslfdja;fasdjfa i need to make a list of kdramas i've watched and would actually recommend

oh my ghost, strong woman do bong soon, weightlifting fairy kim bok joo, doom at your service, it's okay that's love??? except i haven't watched it in ages, 2521 is good, idk if i would recommend it tho bc the ending???, goblin??? i just HATED THE FLASHBACKS, coffee prince. for fucking sure, coffee prince, fool's love, yumi's cells seasons 1 and 2, little women - fuck yeahhhh, the lover, hwarang,the producers, business proposal, crash landing on you, cheese in the trap, hi! school love on OH MY GOD THIS IS THE INFINITE BROMANCE DRAMA OH GOD I JUST HAD THE MOST RIDICULOUS FLASHBACKS, Imaginary cat - i only kind of remember this one?? but i definitely watched it, there was the one about the doctors??? i don't remember what it was called tho EMERGENCY COUPLE LOL why tf did i watch that but it was good tho, she was pretty - i forgot i watched this one???, You're all surrounded - i watched this one for the bromance tbh i totally forgot about the plot, BLOOD - OH MAN I GOT REPRESSED MEMORIES it took me so long to look up the lead for this drama but i got war flashacks, MY LOVE FROM ANOTHER STAR OH AHAHAHAHA OH HOH HO HO i forgot about so many dramas wow i've seen a good number, cinderella and the four knights, pinocchio - i binge watched this in one day so i don't know if it was good but definitely one of the worst villains out there, something in the rain - the soundtrack tho... makes me wanna die, jealousy incarnate - this is the tv show with the BRA SCENE THAT I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT, rooftop prince, the guardians, the idle mermaid (also called surplus princess), flower boy next door, SWEDEN LAUNDRY OH GOD WOW I LIKED THAT SHOW SO MUCH, birth of a beauty, DREAM KNIGHT OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHEN GOT7 WAS IN A KDRAMA, madame antoine - i think i watched this one?, THE MASTER'S SUN, to the beautiful you, nightmare high, the doctors?? i think so???

my only love song, my unfortunate boyfriend, when the camellia blooms To watch - shopaholic louis obviously i'm more into slice of life and romance than anything

This is overwhelming i'm sure there's more but i wish i had my dramafever account so i could just look up my watch history bc all the older ones are hard to recognize

[steady-decline]

3/2

not a single person has emailed me back today and it's thursday.... so now i get to sit here and read fic and pretend like my life isn't worthless

in other news we got some bad news yesterday and it's going be a very hard time soon. trying to muster up positive energy and get through the day

on season 2 of b99, trucking through it faster and also slower than i thought i would. do i go to mitsuwa or get pho for lunch.... HMMMMM i know there are other options for me but like idk if i have the energy to explore that right now. i have no meetings today but it's only 10:30 :))) didn't get to work early but i got here earlier than i have the past few days

tonight is for garlic bread and shakshuka but i'm tiiiiired

going to get dinner on friday and then die and pass away on saturday can't wait so excited

gonna go get food from L&L later per jo's recommendation. i didn't sleep with the weighted blanket last night and it was not the move??? i was cold but also kyo ended up taking half the bed. RIP

[steady-decline]

2/19 2/24

i am... exhausted. mentally, socially, tired as fuck. exhausted. i know i have tomorrow off but i also have to go do my taxes and have my cat checked out and i would love to just crawl into a hole and never emerge again but also i need to make money so i can go to concerts and experience life and pay my bills and maybe go to mexico for the first time and sleep on my days off and do laundry and just die in general

oh man after this week i think i actually get a weekend to recover at home???? unpack boxes and play some video games and just maybe exist

in other news after a few weeks of being up to my eyeballs in stress and exhaustion and decidedly not horny, i have graduated back into the full blown 'i need to be railed into another dimension' horny. i need to be absolutely murdered. just straight up disrespected' and it's all consuming

2/24

retiring from the horny monster for the time being but like. i think what's left is the lingering need for physical touch LOLOLOOLLOLOLOLOL ANYWAYS

the question is... will i make it through the day lol the bennys are hitting me like a ton of bricks. 3 hours lol 3 hours left until i finally have 2 days off in a row i forgot how fuckin good mango by hyomin is??? the song is such a fucking banger why wasn't it more popular. it's one of the rando songs that comes up in my top listens and it's fr just a classic summery fuck you vibe that i can always get behind and i always have time for. just so refreshing in sound? love the colors of the mv too. wish more people were into it but also it's kinda like a secret lil treat for me, a lil bop that i can keep to myself

i need to go to target bc i didn't realize i don't have any more moisturizer... :))) i was one leg short out of my bath last night and i was like 'wtf' LOLOLOL oh man i'm crashing tho like frfr but also i should read more fic... i can do this! i can do this lol

thinking of getting a moon lamp for my room... wow i'm gay. listening to laufey at work and feeling all soft and romantic while i fill out event forms... I'M NOT EVEN SEEING ANYONE god i'm a fucking soggy cheeto of a person

aa;dlsfja;fkja i'm supposed to be clocking out and our big boss walked in and now we're all like awkwardly loitering LOLOLOL he's so nice but we all can't help but be nervous LOLOLOL we're the other building and we don't usually have him in our office so it's kinda like... we're not used to his presence i guess

[steady-decline]

2/17 2/18

holy shit i'm watching easy a for the first time in forever and i forgot it's so fucking funny oh my god also i'm in love with the family. it's literally the most best supportive family dynamic ever god this movie is a timeless classic wow. really

2/18

am i eating lunch for breakfast and demolishing half of this jar of lingonberry jam? yes. i have soup in the fridge and i'm so tired lol i slept super fucking late bc i was on a call with jo and then kyo proceeded to fucking RUN AROUND MY ROOM UNTIL 5AM LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING i barely slept :))))))))))))) and now i'm here, doing my best

anyways i need to get gas once i get off work and carolyne told me there's a farmer's market until 7pm down the block from our house that i might catch if i'm able. i also want to finish happy new year and maybe. MAYBE. watch doom at your service again OR AND OR start playing breath of the wild again. i should bake some cookies tonight too

i started tearing apart my hands at a meeting today and i didn't take benadryl about it! instead i braved through it and had some soup, and that's the true meaning of christmas

i'm rewatching b99 from the beginning and it's just a good show but i don't think i ever finished it so this will be a journey

[steady-decline]

2/3, 2/8

hustling and bustling to get things done until my crew member gets in but other than that i'm just kinda... chillin. anxious as fuck always and i wanna go home early so bad bc my allergies are killing me but i'm here. i'm eating! and i'm here. 2/8

its 9:30am and i'm having chicken soup and chugging water bc i had totinos pizza rolls for dinner last night and now i'm fuckin hungry. i know we're gonna have a big dinner tonight tho so i'm not worried. this chicken soup needs a little bit of fish sauce but i'm throwing overly salty truffle potato chips in it and it's better. the chips soak up the soup but also somehow stay crunchy? vibes wooo i ate half the soup and i can't fucking wait to go to bed tonight. every fucking night i'm like 'i should sleep early' and then i'm doing stuff until 1 and 2am and then getting up for work at 6am

i really need to bring some pickles to work. maybe pickles and pasta for thursday and friday

i feel like i keep having really fucked up dreams. i really gotta dig up my benadryl, it's in a box somewhere. also. gotta make a list of things i need to get for the house, and i gotta purge my under bed doom boxes

[steady-decline]

1/25, 1/26

... i'm like 10 minutes back into episode 7 of little women and there's literally so much that's already happened. like??? things literally just don't stop developing. it just keeps coming. it just keeps happening. it just doesn't stop happening. also????? the murder of the grandma wasn't in line with the other murders??? in joo brought the orchid she was giving when she went to go check up on the grandma, but they still found an orchid by the safe???? so like??? is the death related or not??? also??? the detective dude caused an accident that injured a bunch of the thug lady's henchmen and demanded that she investigated what happened. she was like 'i don't know what happened' and he's like 'figure it tf out' but like??? he acted so cold when in joo was like 'YOU KNOW SOMETHING' like??? i don't think we're supposed to trust him and i'm definitely not on his side bc he's a dangerous person but like what even is his deal you know

on another note love this random side quest dude who like grew up with a crush on in kyung he seems so helpful and just along for the ride. there's a part of me that's wondering if he's the big bad bc he's so unassuming. what if he's doing all the murdering behind their backs

the flower is kind of treated like a drug at this point... what even is this

lol the hotel they're staying at in singapore is called the fullerton hotel LOLOLOL

also the sole kopiko sponsorship for this show

also the idea that someone could get plastic surgery to look exactly like her... at this point i'll believe anything, this show is so fucking ridiculous and WILD oh GOD i know i'm not a rich person but this dress kinda ugly tho lol

i'm on episode 10 now and wowza this show is really. so much. i should rewatch doom at your service to cleanse the palette after this lol

1/26

i finished little women lol that shit was way too fucking wild. i'm literally recapping the last episode to josie and it's kinda hard because i'm like, literally dictating some of the conversations word for word. but anyways the show was really good and very intense up until the very end and i really really might end up watching doom at your service to palette cleanse after this 

[steady-decline]

1/24

amidst the moving and the everything i started watching little women and my god everything is so intense. there are so many plot twists. the entire rich political family is like, completely embroiled in the sister's lives in so many fucked up ways. everyone is so desperate for money and desperate to hold on to the little bit of nothing that they have

everything about this show is disturbing. ugh it's so good

i wonder if the middle sister is going to have to put on her big girl pants and investigate this all through to the end bc the other sisters are backed into corners. there is no moral compass in this show. everyone's for themselves. do i traverse fbk marketplace for a couch or wait until i can buy one that i actually like

oh god everything is so GRIMY IT SO SLIMY GROSS AND SUSPICIOUS UGH i guess it's so enticing bc who tf are we rooting for?????? like?????? who????? oh no oh no oh no oh no he's playing along i don't trust him and he's PLAYING ALONG OH NO OH NO OH NO I DON'T TRUST ANYONE OH GOD why did he play along???????

this politician dude is a sociopath and so is his wife. oh my god. they're both fucking insane. they all need to get TF OUT OF THERE. every single person in this house is like, marked for death. everything is so fucked up oh god i'm so also i don't trust do il???? like ???? i have no idea what his intentions are but i don't trust him???? NO I DON'T like he's hot and all but i DON'T TRUST also this military general made a bunch of schools for poor people so what??? so they could know their place and worship him??? everything is fucking wild

ohm y GOOOOOOOD i have to be at a meeting in 15 minutes but holy shit this show is too fucking wild... they're gonna kill the middle sister. there's way too much shit going down. like. prolifically way too much shit going down