startsandendswitha

[startsandendswitha]

It's been a month since i've decided not to keep in touch with you, i miss you a lot. Next month is the moment i've been waiting for and my favorite month of the year. I wish i'll be able to celebrate it without shedding a tear.

Please be well, and stop shitting around cos its not good to actually thinj highly of yourself. I hope u grow into a better human.

[startsandendswitha]

day 13

it's been almost 2 weeks since the last time we spoke, and i'm hoping that you still care. I hate you so much. I hate how i keep on seeing the good in people. I hate how much you've said a lot of hurtful words yet i still think of you.

I hate that i dont even know when will i be okay. I hate that im scared of meeting new people again. I hate how you fat shame me, how you made me feel like if i get thinner and prettier you might make me feel loved again.

I hate that i thought finally saw something within this face and body. I am not just all physical. It's 9:51 a.m. and i'm typing this all confused. I hate you both so much why did you have to hurt me while i wished you nothing but the best.

This wouldn't matter in years i just hate that you overpower my self

[startsandendswitha]

Huling pagsasama na ata natin to dito sa kwarto ko, unless pumayag payag akong magpunta ka. Kaso thesis ko na, pipiliin ko na sarili ko ngayon. Mas importante to at di mawawala.

Dami ko pang gustong sabihin, pero wala na kong masabi... mukha kang papalipad dyan, love. Hehe. Mami-miss kita, sobra. Wag mo pabayaan sarili mo ah? Sa susunod sana mas lumalim pa ang tingin mo sa pagibig at mas humaba ang pasensya.

Di ko mapapangako na kaya pa kitang harapin sa mga susunod na buwan, kaya kung gusto mo pang sumama sa lakbay ko sabihin mo lang. Pero alam ko di na talaga. Hahaha. Nakakaiyak naman to, tangina. Di ako makatulog, ayaw kong matulog kasi pag gising ko huli na to. Di naman kita mapipigilan, di na rin kita pipigilan. Bagsak luha ko, on cue hahaha. Bwiset ka.

[startsandendswitha]

day 71

Wish we'd spend more time together. if only i could change your mind, i will but i can't. I love you, athena. Thanks for trying at least.

[startsandendswitha]

day 68

it hurts, everything hurts :'(

i don't know how will i get over this again. i just know i have to. I hate this situation. I hate myself most especially. I hate my capability of loving, for seeing the goodness in people. Why do i always end up getting hurt. Why. Why. Why. Despite of every trauma, why do i still love the most.

Mahal kita, natutunan ko lang, di ko alam hanggang kailan, hanggang saan. Gusto kita gawan ng milo araw araw pag gising mo, pero di ko na magagawa yun, i wished to be with you in another life but i know deep down you don't see me that way. Cos it was never me.

I love you, my athena even if u weren't with me to begin with.

[startsandendswitha]

day 67

i am sick, kind of no fever though, just a bit of colds, cough and sore throat. I am tired. I wanted to cry for days but my body wouldn't just let me cry, maybe it's tired too. I've been doing something for 4 days straight, sleeping late so there wouldn't be a second of me thinking of you.

But jokes on me, i am still hurt. I still remember every pain, every word i have read when i could have chose not to but i had to.

I'm having a hard time crying cos of my throat it's also hard to breathe especially when you're going through this. I've asked God about this, if there's a reason for this, what is this trying to teach me?

But you know, i got this. Even though i know i don't just yet. I fucking loved again, and hurt again. Sabi sayo, andrea eh. Parepareho silang lahat. Well sana hindi pero sa ngayon oo, walang makakaintindi kagaya ng pagintindi mo. Very empathetic ka e haha, a short tempered empathetic. Thesis mo na, tumahan ka na. Ikaw lang magpapatahan sayo. Kayanin mo.

[startsandendswitha]

day 64

Posting this here just now although i have written this last March 16, 2023

Hello, my love.

I just want to thank you for letting me know about how you really feel, I wish I can do anything to change that. But I don't want to go through the slowburn breakup anymore. I want to be with someone who only wants to be with me.

A pokemon trainer that chooses a pokemon, like i choose you. Vebs, yung ako lang sapat na... Dapat ganon! Alexa, play Sure Thing by Miguel. Hahaha!

I am thankful for all the tight hugs and the sweetest kisses that i've never thought i needed, for the times we have spent, cheesy but...

I loved every second of it, I loved getting to know you every second, i loved spending my time with you.

I have never experienced this romantic welfare, it was good until it lasted.

So do whatever you have to do. Figure out why you're confused. Get her back and take your time. If it doesn't work then please work on yourself and if it does I will pretend to be happy for you even if it's gonna hurt me a lot.

But for the mean time, like i always say to myself, just figure things out, baby steps.

I love you so much, my Athena and I won't do anything to make you feel less loved. But I know how capable I am to love, with that I am choosing to let you go.

I don't know how long will i get over you, my love i am so scared. But it took me a lot of courage to come up with this.

I have so much love to give in this world, I do not deserve to be treated this way. I won't allow myself to be an option. I know you did not asked for this too, and I understand. But if it's meant to be it will be.

All the best, Engr. Baysan

Mahal na mahal kita hanggang sa may natitira pa.

P.s. I can't be with a person who has lot of things to hide and say things behind my back. I am so tired of dealing with this, i don't know what i did to be treated this way while all my intentions are pure. If i have a shitty attitude i still dont deserve to be backstabbed by my lover. Leave me rather than saying bad things behind my back. I have never talk shit about you, cos at the end of the day you're the one i love. So it's pointless. Bbye. I know my tears are bottling up but here i am supressing everything and doing my best to be productive to avoid myself.

[startsandendswitha]

day 64 bub

i don't know, i still don't know

[startsandendswitha]

day 60-61

Hello, my love

I miss you a little bit extra lately, although we haven't spend much time together. I will always do my best to support you and your endeavors.

Basta, wag mo na papasakitin ulo ko haha pls 🥲 ako lang love ok.

[startsandendswitha]

day 59

uncertain of what made you stay but i’m just gonna stay put and avoid getting hurt by asking. I miss you a lot today, my love. I’ve found myself putting my guard down, and being more understanding and not high tempered of what you do and our differences, i just know that im willing to do anything to keep you, i love you, my athena.

[startsandendswitha]

day 55

another day, another fight

I can’t possibly just leave, when i love… i love til i can even the bad sides. Minsan nakaka frustrate lang kasi maybe theres something wrong with me. I cant make people stay or be contented with me eh. Ginagas light ko sarili ko haha wtf.

Im at a different pace, not rushing just going through it. I love athena so much that im willing to adjust things talaga. Sad lang kasi di naman lahat pareho magmahal and its okay. Ganun talaga. Sana lang ano, piliin mo pa din ako love… kasi napapagod din naman ako, di lang ikaw. I just dont make it a habit to complain anymore, ive passed that phase. It does make sense to be better now kasi bubunga yan i swear. Minsan lang pakiramdam ko, mukha ata akong walang goal sa buhay pag kinakausap mo ko hahahahah. Meron madami, and the uncertainties frightens me… di lang siguro halata cos i try to handle it.

We’ll get to places, my love. I just know it, i don’t just trust the universe. The universe gives back if we have earned it.

I still try yknow, to be gentle cos i could be a monster and i dont want that either. I dont wanna come begging for your love and to not leave. Its on you, but i just wish that you’ll love me not just on our happy days… even on the days that we misunderstand each other.

[startsandendswitha]

day 54

slept early and woke up early like when i used to be a morning person back on my frosh days, weird. seems odd, urgently waking up and reminds me that something happened between us.

i like talking about it, opening up sets me free when im bottling my emotions. I just can't repress. It's harder that way.

as much as i wanted to say good morning, it's not. but today i'm just gonna try to breathe.

I was jealous when u watched a movie without me, one of the moments i knew i'm not that important when u watched a marvel movie without me + with a new person in ur life haha but yea its just you.

I was hoping for an invite bec finally i was introduced as a girlfriend to a big family, my lover's family haha but u changed ur mind. Cos its a big hassle to clean up for me.

Safe travels, my love.

I hope one day, i'll be able to stop hoping for the best. I really hate being able to handle this positively.

I'd be lying if i say i don't love you anymore, i wanted to wish you a good day, a good morning but idk til when will i wake up feeling heavy.

Its not a very good morning.

[startsandendswitha]

day 53

as much as i love you, i love myself more… with that i know when i have to step back and protect my heart and my mind. take care today, my love.

edit:

i wrote something for you, love. i am fucked up. so fucked and i just don't know what to do :(:

mahal na mahal kasi talaga kita e, kaso kailangan. pls take care of yourself, wag mo pabayaan sarili mo. paborito kitang alagaan love, kasama maligo, mag ayos at kung anu ano hahaha.

I don't know what to do, wala pang isang araw and im already having a hard time.

[startsandendswitha]

day 51

Hi my love,

I just wonder how do u sleep at night after our recent conversations… well, me? I can’t really sleep unless my brain gives my body that its time to rest.

Its just uncomfortable to do all the couple-ly things knowing that you’re not sure of me :( i want someone thats sure of me too, it feels unfair to know that despite being so sure of us. Hayyy. I know, youre tired.

I hope you’re having a good sleep

[startsandendswitha]

day 50

Hello, my love.

We had the talk again and honestly i don't know when will i wait for that day til you leave. I am scared for that day to come.

I'd rather vanish than witness your absence in my life and i'd rather build everything from scratch with you, than start another chapter with anyone else.

I wanted to go back to sleep but i can't.

I can't stomach the thought of having an empty space on my bed. my heart is being all occupied by yours. You run on my mind rent free

I'd like your skin on mine, i want to hear you breathing beside me while running your fingers through my head. I want to share all my sunsets and be able to wait for you every night after your work hours.

But here i am letting you go, because i love you.

[startsandendswitha]

day 49

Haha ang bilis no? Akalain mo yun, ay akshuli... i knew it from the start. I just waited for something to happen, if god's real maybe a miracle? Hahahhahah ang sakit love. Ang sakit sakit love. Pero wala e.

You might not be ready to end this, nor will i be. But i'm sorry for letting you go first, even if i don't want to. I've learned to love you, athena. You've shown me the love that i deserve, and i'll be grateful for that.

I just don't know how to pick up myself again, but as i always say... i'll figure things out.

[startsandendswitha]

day 48

God knows how much i'll do anything for you love, but he also knows til when we will stay. Now, i wake up just waiting for you to let me go. Cos i cant stand the fact that even if you say you love me, i know youre uncertain of this relationship. Hahahayy i love you and it doesnt have to be this hard. Yung ngiti na to, araw araw kong gustong makita hayyy