starry-milk
luna
a place to dump my unfiltered thoughts.
277 posts
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I've said my goodbyes; my heart's always with you.
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[ 17.03.24 @ 10:14pm ]
sometimes i think.. "fuck you for being open and proud about being in a happy relationship"
it's my own jealousy showing through.
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[ 17.03.24 @ 8:51pm ]
it feels like i'm drowning under the weight of my feelings. there's nowhere for them to go, but they keep riding higher and higher and higher.
when will it be my turn? when will it be my turn to be cared for and checked on. when will it be my turn to feel loved again? appreciated again? helped and supported?
i wonder if i'm just stupid. i have people around me, i'm just selfish for not working on the relationships i have now.
maybe i don't deserve any of what i want.
maybe i should just kill myself.
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[ 17.03.24 @ 8:25pm ]
it's honestly crazy how much i'll want to kill my self, and everyone else is none the wiser
the cost of masking and isolating myself, i suppose.
all i want is to deactivate everything and disappear. even just for a little bit. just to help me accomplish things and come back feeling needed. wanted. appreciated.
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[ 14.07.23 @ 1:03am ]
maybe i'm just meant to be alone, and that's okay.
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[ 03.07.23 @ 12:50am ]
even if i never take the offer out of guilt, phrases like "text me if you need anything" and "i'll be here if you need to talk" always make me tear up a little bit
even if it's.. just a common courtesy thing, the concept of people caring and offering to let me just dump my shit on them for a little bit means a lot. genuinely.
but part of me knows i'll always be too guilty and self-conscious to take those offers.
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HUH???????? YOU CAN'T JUST END THE EPISODE LIKE THAT WHAT THE FUCK HOW WHY WHEN WHERE HOW
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[ 30.06.23 @ 1:00am ]
i think i'd rather be dead than be here right now.
the air of suffocation.
the overwhelming sound of fans.
deafening silence.
empty notifications.
bleeding heart.
i pray for a better night.
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[ 30.06.23 @ 12:56am ]
was... was it really a month ago? the last time i genuinely felt cared for and seen?
it makes me so sad thinking about it.
i don't deserve to feel this unloved.
i don't deserve to feel like everyone dislikes me.
but unless i do something, nothing will change. it's as simple as that.
it's depressing that i haven't felt so cared for in that long, but unless i'm "proactive" about it, nothing will change.
it's my job.
only my job.
people can't read minds.
it's not other people's job to care for me when i can't initiate it.
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[ 26.06.23 @ 9:15pm ]
oh my god the horny brainrot keeps getting worse and worse
i wanna be milked so badly
i wanna be humiliated and cum too early
fuck, my head is so fuzzy and i want a dick
i want someone to ride me, it looks so.. ugh
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[ 26.06.23 @ 8:56pm ]
god, i want a dick so badly right now.
i want a dom to suck me off and to just whine and cry under them
i want to be pathetically sucked off until i embarrassedly cum in their mouth. oh god it would probably feel so warm and nice..
i wanna jerk off so bad, the horniness is horrible right now
ugh i hate being on my period so much
i wanna know what it's like to have my dick stepped on and played with orz
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[ 20.06.23 @ 11:15pm ]
having another one of those intrusive thoughts about leaving all the spaces i'm in with the belief that everyone would be better off without me in their life.
i don't have anyone i really talk to on a daily basis anymore. or at least... none that i feel benefit from my presence. i feel like all i am is this annoying barnacle that they can't get rid of. they said it themselves, didn't they? they have more important stuff going on in their life, they don't care if i feel like shit and can't communicate them. the only thing they care about is the fact that i can't communicate with them, not about the part about me feeling like shit. if i can't communicate, then i'm on my own.
what's stopping me from leaving everything behind?
why do they even have me here?
why haven't i just ended my life yet?
why do i still try to form close connections with people when all people do is leave?
what's the point?
what's a lifetime of loneliness, if it means ending the torment i put others through?
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[ 20.06.23 @ 9:40pm ]
i think it would be easier to be flat-out rejected and told that they don't give a shit about me.
they have the right to act like this, but i don't like being the target of that behavior. it's deserved but it makes me want to rip my skin open.
i'm, once again, in this state of rising panic but then i realize.
i never had anywhere to go in the first place.
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[ 20.05.23 @ 10:21pm ]
i wanna self destruct.
i don't want to be here anymore.
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[ 11.05.23 @ 6:43pm ]
i think i really do feel like a fearful avoidant right now, when my first reaction to someone experiencing grief is to "give them space" rather than making sure they're okay and supporting them.
it...
it feels like a "if i suddenly do something wrong, i might make things worse, then they'll get mad at me, then they'll hate me" and my brain starts spiraling thinking of the consequences of me saying the wrong thing.
i've never been good at supporting people. fuck, it's one of the reasons i'm a horrible partner.
it's so... it's something i really hate about myself.
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[ 11.05.23 @ 6:31pm ]
also...
i think one of the most depressing things ever is having someone you want to share, be it a post or exciting experience, and suddenly realizing you don't have anyone to send it to.
you excitedly look at the different dms and servers you could possibly share it in, but they you realize "... wait, but no one really cares or will feel as excited about this as i am"
and thus you're left on your own, with only yourself to enjoy things with.
and... i know that i "should" enjoy things by myself and be happy doing so. but i think part of the joy of the human experience is being able to share things and make others equally as happy.
this is a long way of saying i'm lonely, isn't it.
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[ 11.05.23 @ 6:27pm ]
venting about stressful things going on in my life while someone else vents about someone's death makes me feel like the shittiest person ever.
on one hand, there's no way i could've known that they were going through that bc they didn't tell me.
but also, i've just been going on and whining about stressful exams while someone close to them died.
i feel so insensitive and i hate myself for it.
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