stargirluniv

[stargirluniv]

Dear Leo,

Next one will be Dan.

Different Dan. This one's Dan Vincent. From bumble too. I like how he calls me by my name. Second name included. I feel so special. He's also an engineer. Hilig sa engrs yarn? Jk

We talked for days. Talking to him felt good. Secured. No pressure, not so fun. Just general talking na may sense.

Until he brought up still being hung up with his ex.

Gosh, I was so close to liking him. Tapos may ex baggage? Ew. I got sad din when we stopped talking. I miss being called by my name. Our last convo was me saying shits about praying for him na maka move on. Haha.

[stargirluniv]

Hi Leo,

Here to update. I'll try to remember what happened in between the last message and this one.

I started going on dating apps. I wanted so bad to have something. To feel something. I wanna take chances. I don't wanna sit at home and be alone forever. And that desire left me with nothing but quick repairs to cope.

Emer. I guess my bumble profile was a bit deceptive. Lol

He was so interested in me when we first started talking. He would greet me good morning. Ask things. Talked about taking me in his apartment, suggest I stay there if we ever return to office.

It's scary. How people can easily change their minds. How things they said suddenly mean nothing. How they can just drop you the next second.

After weeks, he slowed down. He didn't reach out for one or two days, i don't really remember. And since I hate waiting, I asked him. Sabi ko, if we're not on the same page, let me know. Don't keep me waiting. He asked for my social media. We moved to messenger.

Days after, i guess i can't help but be vulnerable sometimes. It's my nature. He was probably turned off? Idk. I don't care anymore. He slowed down again. Hinayaan ko na.

We don't chase. I had to do some outgrowing, and I was sad. I liked him. He's a UP grad. Engineer. Smart. Kaso INC. Lol

Some values don't coincide. It's probably for the best.

But I liked him. For some moment, I thought this could amount to something. Pero hindi.

We stopped talking. Tapos after some days, he was reaching out about folklore docu. Kita na daw nya sa app nya. And that's our last conversation.

Anyway, that's all about Emer.

Funny how I told you about him. I was ugly crying when this ended. Now, I just tell it like it's nothing.

[stargirluniv]

Hi Leo,

Long time. I've been okay.

Today's about 🌻. I'm so confused. Sure ako na wala akong feelings sa kanya, pero I enjoy yung company na binibigay nya. The way na di kami nauubusan ng things to talk about. No matter how many times I don't reply, meron at meron syang sasabihin to keep up the conversation. That's all I wanted. Pero di sa kanya. Ang cruel pero that's how I feel. I should prolly distance myself para fair.

I'm probably better off all alone.

[stargirluniv]

Hi Lee,

Just checking in.

Everything's okay. I got back to my old habits of not depending my day on talking to people. Although, there are times when, I still wanna be asked how my day went or how am I doing. Some do ask, but I hate it when my answer is always limited to "I'm okay." and no one bothers to ask beyond that. But it's okay.

I am rediscovering hobbies. I just finished a book and planning on reading the second one. I started another on going drama. And I've been sleeping A LOT again. Everything went back to normal. I guess the last few months was just the cancer season taking over my emotions and the transition to normal. So yeah. I'm good.

Another thing, I've been replying less to Dan. He's been occasionally messaging me but still, replies late. I seldom replies (not to be rude) and leaves him on read sometimes. Andddd, i don't care anymore whether he only talks about himself or if replies back or not.

Bye! Take care of yourself.

[stargirluniv]

How the tables have turned, Leo.

Hey, a lot have happened. But there's one thing that remained the same. I'm still sad and lonely. It would have been so hard for me to accept that fact, but it's you I'm talking to, so I guess, it's okay to be on-the-next-level-pathetic.

I'll fill you in. CJ—has fallen for someone, who? Brown Sugar ✨ whatever. He's been so happy lately, as he said. Hopefully, he wouldn't jinx it. Michael—the long, curly haired guy who like green jokes but somehow became conscious when talking to me, likes a lot of things I like eg. Greek and Norse myth, hates dds, I didn't talk much about him before, yeah, but he's the third guy—we stopped talking. I practically told him I'll no longer be talking to anyone bc cancer season's over ~lame excuse~ so yeah. And finally, Dan—that one who tells me I look good, don't wanna show himself to me, but i did my research, okay looking mechanical engineer who's always busy, who only have time to talk when it's about him or if he's tired and so stressed and has to vent out, but when it's my turn to tell stories, makes me feel that he's not interested but he tries hard to listen. replies super late—for the first time, i did not replied to his last message. So I'm kinda waiting if he will still come around, like it's not a big deal.

So that's the 3 guys from my last letters. Now, there are more. Wtf no? Hahahhaa. So, AP—how we call him before, the guy who broke my heart, 2nd year college, I liked a lot but didn't want to commit to, who left me in tears{lots}—he replied to my fb stories, we talked twice already, his last relationship ended, he said, for all i care loljk. I think he's tryna hit on me again lowkey, still not sure. But he was talking about coming here to see me, so that might say something unless he's just being the flirt that he is, char kidding onleh mars.

I'm not so sad, Leo. But I'm also not happy. I'm not sad bc, you know how insecure I tend to get when it comes to my appearance. I'm not pretty, I know that, but recently, I kinda got validated in some ways, bc i posted a pic and even AA replied saying in some indirect way that I look good. when i said it was only because of the filter, he said I was only beong humble. So yeah. Another one that makes me lose my shit is a teenager replied to that story, sis I'm 24, can't believe, may teenager pa sa market ko. 😂

Last one is about friends, because they out right reacted with lots of love/hearts on that certain photo, I felt that they're still my friends and that they still love and support me, they're just busy with their lives just like me, so I'm no longer sad that they did not remembered my birthday. I still love and miss them. And I know they feel the same way.

This letter may not count as less one stone on the happy wagon. It's just a mixture of sad and happy and me realizing that life's like that. It happens to everyone. Mine's no different.

[stargirluniv]

Hi Leo,

What do I blame when it's no longer cancer season but I'm still feeling heavy and wanna cry for some unknown reason?

Today, I got a panic attack. I rarely get one since I'm home and has no reason to feel sad. But strange enough, I felt like crying, my chest felt so tight and I just wanna be alone.

Then a thought hit me. I feel like no one wants to listen. I don't know why I care because I have absolutely nothing to tell. Everything's okay. Nothing's wrong with my stable/routine life. But, I wanted to atleast be asked—how are you?

I have completely given up to talking to C. But, I got used to having Dan. He acts like he somewhat likes me. But lately, I feel like I'm being taken for granted. He's always busy. He no longer asks how I'm doing. He usually falls asleep while talking to me.

So, I'm taking a break. I'll try to get used to going solo again. Just taking a breather.

He made me wanna wait for him. But, I hate waiting.

[stargirluniv]

Hi Leo,

What's up. Been a while, eh? Cancer season's over, so that's prolly why.

Here's what's up. There's 3 guys. 2 of them likes (talking to) me (i think) 1 doesn't (seems so). 2 of 'em messages me first. For the other one, I usually initiate the conversation. He also leaves me on read most of the times. The other two, I usually leave them on read. I could go on the differences, but you probably know.

I don't have any plan on liking any of them. But, I kept pushing myself on that one guy who *obviously* don't like me. Gagi, what's wrong with me. Hahaha

[stargirluniv]

There have been many times when I plunge into solitude looking in abandoned bottles for messages that do not arrive.

siir-poesia ©

Han sido muchas las veces en que sumerjo en la soledad buscando en botellas abandonadas, mensajes que no llegan.

siir-poesia ©

[stargirluniv]

petty, annoying, pathetic bitch

[stargirluniv]

Hi Leo,

I was trying so hard not to update my own kinda version of a happy wagon aka me writing this shit. But here I am again.

I gotta stop being so petty, it's so annoying. I know.

We were planning to go out tomorrow. Pero unfortunately di tuloy. And I'm getting so frustrated. It somehow feels like nothing is working out for me. Tho deep inside, I know it's more than a plan that got cancelled, it's actually me not having friends I can ask to go with me. I feel so lonely. And it's so sad it's making me so petty.

I wanna cry. So I cried when I tried reading but I placed the bookmark on the wrong page, now I don't know where I left off. I'm mad that people wouldn't give me the same energy I'm giving/they used to give before, when I took all the courage in me to start a conversation. I hate everything. I hate everyone. But mostly, I hate myself.

Ciao.

[stargirluniv]

Good morning Leo,

I woke up feeling extra sad today. For no reason. I've been thinking that my most hated part of the day was waking up. I know that's absurd, because it's a beginning. It's something you look forward to.

I cried for absolutely no reason. I just felt sad, and my heart was beating so fast, I don't know why. I am afraid on how will I survive yet another day. I feel so empty when I don't even what's wrong. I hate this.

I dreamt of my friends. I miss them so bad.

[stargirluniv]

[stargirluniv]

[stargirluniv]

Hey L,

its 3:45 am, im reading a book. Antok na antok na ko but im also hungry. Tho di pa rin ako bumabangon to get something or atleast drink some water.

Thinking about it, i haven't been eating much lately. I'm not particularly dieting, but I guess I'm unconsciously starving myself. Most of the times, nalilipasan ako ng gutom, because wala akong gana no matter how hungry I get. Tapos sobrang picky eater ko pa to the point that I'm also getting annoyed at myself. It's like I wanna appreciate something but I just can't do it. I wanna want to eat a certain food yet I can't bring myself to like it. I'm beyond help.

I don't know if this has something to do with my self consciousness/pity pero it's like I don't care if I get hungry or starve because no one cares naman din. Weird. But I somehow think thay way.

[stargirluniv]

Hi Leo,

I am sounding more and more pathetic as I write to you. But what shame would it bring talking to an imaginary character? Lol

So, hey.

I'm relieved that day was over. All I have to do now is to move on. There are things I couldn't say, heck, i couldn't even admit to myself. Pero, this has been weighing me down for quite a while now.

It hurts. None of my friends remembered. I know, not because a friend forgot about your birthday (or did not greet you) means you're no longer they're friend. I'm over that phase. I know friendship is more than that. I'm no longer making tampo if you forgot. I always forget. I know. Pero the fact that not even one remembered, I know there's something wrong. With me, ofcourse.

It sucks that I thought I was better than the me from high school. I thought I knew how to make friends. I don't know. Not that I don't consider my friends good ones. It's that, I don't think I'd even been a friend to them.

[stargirluniv]

Hi Leo,

I intended to tell you about my day, but I only get to write when I'm sad so, hi there. I hope I'll write to you less. I don't like feeling sad. It's tiring.

I know I shouldn't keep attachments with people I don't intend to keep. I get hurt when ignored even when I know I don't like him. I like being liked so I talk to someone even when I'm not interested. No wonder I never had a relationship. Because I only like the idea of it. I had been like this eversince.

I like consistency. I like talking about things. I like the company you could give me. But not the actual person. This is prolly the reason why I like talking to strangers. I like being liked. Then I'll get bored. Once I lost interest, I'll try to keep the conversation for the sake of not being rude. But then, I'll out right tell 'em I'm no longer interested when I can't take it anymore. This was all about me. I suck. It might really for the best to stay alone.

[stargirluniv]

Hi Leo,

Some worries have been lifted from my chest yesterday. He sent me a message saying he's still not feeling well, and we'll catch up soon. When, i don't know.

If he had only done that days before, i wouldn't have felt some of the feelings i had. Ew, that was so cancer. But honestly, that made it better. Whether he has plans of contacting me or none, at least, I'll no longer feel like it's my fault.

Anyways, he had some energy to tweet today, so i guess he's getting better. I know I'm in no position to say something about anything because if there's one thing I learned from talking to him, it's that we don't talk about the things we post online. I just hope he's finally stopped smoking. And I hope i get less grumpy.