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starcrossed42long-blog · 6 years

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I had a bad day.

My mother knows exacrly how to push my buttons and does it most of the time.

Today was one of those days.

All day just kept going even when I tried to be nice she just kept going. Always asking other people to do things for her just because she doesn't want to. Like standing next to the fridge and having you come all the way across the house to ask for something out of it even though she is not doing anything to prevent her from doing it. She also NEVER listenes to me. Ends up doing it her way anyway just to get mad because she didn't listen to me.

Anyway. My current situation on top of that stressed me out so much I nearly punched the nearest object.

Came home to find my "boyfriend" passed out on the couch sleeping......hes been there all day im sure. He doesnt help me do a damn thing. Not with the house, not with the kids, not with something that needs to be fixed or putting the fucking floor in!!!!! He is the laziest person I know. He is always negative due to him screwing things up by his own hand and getting upset over it and blaming anyone esle for it. Doesnt get up for work at a decent time and is home at all kinds of hours. Tells me to get a job. I have a toddler who isnt in daycare because we cant afford it and a kindergartner on break at the moment. They listen better than their father but are still a handful.

How in the world am I to get a job 1, not knowing my availability 2, whos going to watch the toddler while I work 3, how are we going to pay for daycare and finally 4, what hours am I to be working if we cant afford it because i sure as hell am not waking up every morning at 5:30 to prepare for the day take our eldest to school then come home and try to entertain our youngest (who if left alone and upset your not playing with him will destroy whatever he gets his hands on despite having conseauences for doing so) while cleaning or maintaining the house so it doesnt end up looking like an episode of hoarders. And make meals. And do laundry. And mop. And sweep. And dishes. And dusting. And all the other things that I am the only one doing all the damn time.

So yeah add my mother into that mix.

Its a living nightmare. Everyone else around me also has things that i cant stand to be near or a part of. A wife having an affair and involving everyone she knows in her life when she lies to her husband about it. A man with a child who cant seem to put down the phone and help his girlfriend or play with his son like EVER always on the damn phone. Most everyone else around me is also negative and boring to boot. No one ever wants to do anything.

The worst part of all of this is I have no one to listen to me. Everyone hears me but no one listens. I have no friends to talk to. I have recently tried to connect with people whom I went to school with, and I know everyone has their own lives and things to do but, they cant be that busy to never respond back unless the eants something i can however help them out with.

I dont even know how to continue to describe how I feel. I have dreams of telling everyone around me the reason I can no longer be around them and am moving. And it feels great. But that situation could go many ways good or bad and at night my mind races through each possibility over and over just new slightly different scenarios.

But then there is this person. Whom I seem to be infatuated by. I cant totally describe what it is about this person but I just like pretty much everything about amd how this person sounds and speaks and how genuine they seem. We never really hung out or even talked really, although once I did have to give them a ride and buy a pack of somes from time to time when they knew I was already 18 but ive always seen something in them.

When we talk about anything I am instantly in a much better mood. It hasnt been long at all and its already seemingly die out. We seem to have a lot in common as far as some hobbies and posting about certain things we both agree on. For a bit it even seemed like we were passive agressively talking to eachother. And even our signs are a good match for us if thats your thing. I like to read my horoscope but dont take too mich to heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve and will do pretty much anything to help you out if you need it and it seems like he does too.

But then again I helped him out a few times and even though he was gratefull each time I was slightly taken back by how much generosity he took. So now I feel like I was played for the fool.

I honestly dont know. And it drives me mad. The pictures in my head and dreams make me more motivated and to pursue but then the negative side of everything comes into play and I cant distinguish thought much after that so pop in my headphones and listen to music.

I dont even know how to person anymore it feels like. The past decade or so has changed me for the worst and I dont know where to start to gain some of my old self back and merge a new me into the mix and move on. I dont know what's holding me back or why but I want to get back into a healthier self. I want to get back in school and get a job. I want my own place with my kids away from all the negativity surrounding us but cant seem to do amything about it. Im stuck in a hole and I cant seem to dig my way out.

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